Original subtitles

Hey, baby.

Baby? Bit off‐brand for you.

I'm just feeling cheerful.

Come on in, how you doing? Let me take this for you.

- How was work? - Fine. Why is it so tidy in here?

Because I spent two hours doing it.

- New bin. - Oh, nice.

- £100 on a bin? - Yeah.

I guess I just thought, the more expensive it is,

the less likely I'll be to kick it again.

And I am making the alcohol‐free beer‐can chicken

- from your mate Finn's cookery club. - Oh, wow!

No, I think Finn said you need to actually open the can, otherwise...

I did open the can, don't you worry, come on.

Just relax, come on. Sit down.

Let's get this lit.

JESS: What's all this in aid of?

I just wanted us to have a nice evening together.

And, to be honest, um, I want to apologise for last night.

Falling asleep at 9:00, missing all your calls...

No need to apologise, I got your voicemail.

Anyway, how did it go?

How did what go?

Your mental health assessment.

It was this morning, right?

- Could you make my line a bit bigger, please? - Sure.

What is it?

Um... I, um...

It's okay, you can tell me.

I've messed up.

So, what's going on after this?

I got the dates wrong.

- What? - Yeah.

I think, because I recently tried to sync the calendar from my laptop to my phone,

and I think there must have been, like, a lag in the sync.

- A lag in the sync. - In the synchronisation of the calendar, yeah. Shit.

Damn it.

I will get it rearranged.

Now, let's have some beer‐can chicken, alcohol‐free...

I don't want any beer‐can chicken, alcohol‐free.

- But it's going to be so moist. - Liam, what I wanted

was for you to go to your mental health assessment.

Or for you to just show that you care that you're going to have to wait

- another... - Six weeks.

Six weeks? Six weeks.

Well, it'll actually be another three months

before the therapy starts, because...

But I'm sure they'll understand about the lag in the sync.

Oh, will you give up on the lag in the sync bullshit!

- It's not bullshit. - Liam...

I know what happened.

Have you guys seen Penelope?

Oh.

You didn't go because you were scared,

and I'm really sorry if I'm running out of sympathy with that.

What do you mean?

You say you're going to do things,

and I believe you because I'm an idiot,

and then you don't do things... [sighs]

No, it was just the lag in the sync.

What are you doing?

Leaving.

Give you some space to think.

- I don't need space to think. - I think you do.

- Well, how long you going for? - I don't know.

Well, like, ten minutes, ten years?

- Well, obviously not ten years. - Ten years, no, but I...

When am I going to see you again?

Why don't you let me know when you're ready to be honest with me?

Okay?

LIAM: Well, that's Jess for you, always overreacting.

Why are relationships so difficult?

Why did I kick the Brabantia bin?

Adulthood is a nightmare.

Everything used to be so much easier.

First love was so much easier.

At age 15, I couldn't wait to join the ranks of the deflowered.

I'm so bored, man.

But Addy, Craggy and I were still having to make do with less‐thrilling pursuits.

I've heard there's a dead dog down at t'canal path,

if you want to have a look at that?

- Yeah, all right. - Hang on, is that Ralph?

YOUNG LIAM: They're definitely going out, then.

Are they holding hands now?

He's pathetic.

There was genuinely nothing more I wanted at this age

than to have someone to hold hands with.

- What a sell‐out. - Is he wearing jeans?

LIAM: Since Ralph had recently found himself exchanging

family heirlooms for cocaine, he decided to make some changes,

staying away from drugs, even wearing denim.

We didn't like it one bit, but Rachel did.

- CRAGGY: Now then. - Hiya.

Not saying hello, Ralph?

Hello.

We're going to go look at a dead dog down at t'canal path,

if you want to come?

Sick! Where is it?

I mean, um...

No, me and Rachel are actually on our way to take in a picture.

A picture?

Sorry, guys.

"Guys"?

"Guys"?

Why wouldn't he want to go look at a dead dog?

Because he's a fucking girl, hanging out with his girlfriend, that's why.

Probably quite telling that my superficial reaction

to Ralph's basic personal growth

was an accusation of emasculation.

And deep down, that feeling that we were just immature,

sexless losers was becoming more and more acute.

Fuck's sake.

I don't know why you're so bothered.

I'm embarrassed to be a fucking virgin, to be honest, Craggy.

We all should be.

I'm not actually a virgin.

I've got a girlfriend, to be honest.

What? No, you don't.

- Yeah, I do. - Who is she?

Her name is Melanie.

And I met her in a casino.

Yeah. She asked me if I could lend her a chip for the poker table,

and let's just say, I made it all the way to the river.

Addy, you're not old enough to get into a casino.

No more questions.

Just when I'd resigned myself and my loser mates

to a lifetime of deriving entertainment from animal corpses...

life offered a reprieve in the form of an interschool trip

for high‐achieving English students.

It's called Young, Gifted and Talented.

It doesn't mean those of you who aren't picked are any worse,

it just means you're going to do worse in your education,

and probably your life as a whole.

So now, apparently, my ability to identify personification

was worthy of institutional reward.

Going from this class will be...

Liam...

and that's it.

- (MUSIC PLAYING ON EARPHONES) - Absolute banger, this.

- I like it. - It's giving me a headache, that.

Aw, has gifted and talented boy

- got an 'eadache? - Not clever enough for you, is it?

Look, I didn't put myself forward to go.

I'm only off 'cause parents are making me. Get off!

And also 'cause, secretly, I was very excited by the prospect

of spending a week writing about the landscape

in a youth hostel in the North Yorkshire Moors.

James, Chrissie, you go together.

And the final pair will be Liam and Katie.

You will all have an hour to write one side of A4,

describing the North Yorkshire Moors in a positive light.

In your pairs.

LIAM: Katie McAleer.

She came into focus like a JPEG loading by 56k dial‐up,

making spikes of desire surge through the membrane of my innocence

like a first wisdom tooth breaking a gum.

She was utterly my type,

which is to say she was more attractive than me.

(YOUNG LIAM CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, I, uh... I think we're working together.

Oh, right.

So, what school do you go to?

Garforth. You?

- Rothwell. - Never met anyone from Rothwell before.

Why would I have done? It was three miles away.

So, what is it we've got to do again?

Write one side of A4,

describing the Yorkshire Moors in a positive light.

Positive light.

How sad is that?

This is the setting of Wuthering Heights.

Savage nature, Gothic romance.

Yeah.

- Have you actually read Wuthering Heights? - 'Course. Haven't you?

Yeah, 'course I have.

What's your favourite part?

Of the book?

Um...

So many bits to choose from, in't there?

It's probably just the...

all the...

wuthering.

- That's so funny. - Is it?

The wuthering.

I actually prefer the heights.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Anyway, we'd better get on with this nonsense.

Tell you what, let's not describe moors in a positive light.

Let's describe them in their true light.

Yeah. Dark light.

Nice oxymoron.

So, how about...

"Under the brooding skies,

"the moors stretch out like a violent sea of malign feeling"?

Nice.

Katie and I were kept behind because our work apparently showed...

...a morbid disrespect for the perfect beauty of Yorkshire.

LIAM: So we had to sit and rewrite

while everybody else went to play rounders.

But we didn't care, because we knew really that we were

the young, gifted and talented‐est

in the entire funding district.

When we get back, do you want to meet up?

Which will involve, because the concept of a date

doesn't really exist for people this age,

just meeting up near one of our houses

and walking around and talking and laughing about things

which we won't really be able to remember the substance of in 15 years' time.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Nice one.

By which I meant, "I love you."

Or, at least, because up to this point

I'd never loved anyone who wasn't a blood relation or an animal,

"I think I have the potential to love you."

When I got back from Young, Gifted and Talented, or YGT,

I had not only a taxpayer‐subsidy‐improved aptitude

for metaphor and simile, but more importantly,

a new use for my mobile phone,

a device whose sole purpose up to then had been

to inform my parents that I'd be slightly late for tea,

now became something much more significant.

"Hey, HRU? I'm proper missing YGT, home is boring..."

I wouldn't really speak my texts aloud as I wrote them like this,

but it just helps with the storytelling.

"Hey, Mum, can we please have chicken Kievs for..."

All right, no, boring. Let's move on with the story.

And when credit ran out, there was always MSN Messenger,

on which Katie, AKA Crazy‐in‐love‐Katie,

and me, AKA LiamIsCool254Weed,

spent hours talking.

In some ways, it was like the opposite of texting,

entailing not a sparse economy of contact

but a kind of limitless space in which to self‐disclose.

You could be occupied like this for hours,

unless somebody needed to use the house phone.

- (TAPPING KEYBOARD) - WOMAN: Need to call your nana!

Don't worry, son, broadband in three years.

Before long, I began to understand a little better

what had happened to Ralph.

I cut down on the weed and soon saw the benefits of,

e. g., being able to breathe properly, and not stinking all the time,

and being able to get through an entire day

without hearing weird demon voices in my head.

I felt happy.

What are you thinking?

Just thinking about Wuthering Heights.

And how, in chapter nine, when Cathy says,

"I have dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me

"ever after, and changed my ideas

"and have gone through and through me."

And I was just thinking, being with you, it's like a dream to me.

One that I'll always remember.

Ugh.

You've only just read that book to impress me, haven't you?

No.

You can't lie at all, can you?

- It's not a lie... - Shut up.

Aw.

We'd spend afternoons at the park,

where we'd often be told to...

CYCLIST: Get a room!

LIAM: And we'd wish we could.

But both sets of our parents, who, every time they came

into the room would see Katie and me explode, hot and flustered,

away from each other, wouldn't leave us home alone for some reason.

So we had to make do with the blanketing darkness of cinemas.

During Minority Report, we kissed with tongues.

During Die Another Day, she held on to my thigh for the entire film,

including trailers and credits.

And during Ice Age, we, um...

Ah, I'd better not say.

CARTOON CREATURE: Whoa!

And there were house parties, of course, which would allow me

to play the hero more than once.

Liam?

Liam?

Whoa!

Hey, love, what's up?

Hiya.

What have you had?

White Lightning.

White Lightning?

White Lightning.

Fucking hell!

You know you can't handle White Lightning.

But I love it, though.

Come on, let's, let's get you home.

And I love you.

I love you too.

Come on! Pisshead.

KATIE: Oh, no.

You're the pisshead.

LIAM: With Katie's influence,

I began to appreciate a better kind of conversation.

I was becoming a truly mature, respectful young man.

Look, I just want to say, I'm happy for us to wait.

Wait for what?

You know, to... To have sex.

Oh.

That's a shame.

Because I want us to do it right now.

- Really? - Yeah.

Let's do it right now.

No, wait, let's do it on t'swings, where those kids can see.

Right.

Okay, um...

I am joking, you idiot.

You're so gullible.

That's really sweet of you to say.

You're a lovely lad.

I am a lovely lad.

And do you see now, how love used to be simpler

when you were a teenager, and it was just the two of you,

and jobs, and rents, and resentments, and ambitions

were still a lifetime away?

RUPERT: Oh, the big boys have got girls now, then, yeah?

What the...

So what do they look like naked, then, your birds?

Well, we aren't going to talk about that.

I will. Mine's got a shit‐hot body.

RUPERT: Has she?

What, nice pair of tits and arse and that, yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

What, you shagged her yet?

Nah, not yet.

Mate, what's the point in having a car

if you're not going to drive it?

Fair point.

All right, I'm off, me.

See you later.

Well, Ralph's got fucking boring since he got a bird, in't he?

- Make sure you don't turn out like that weird maggot, yeah? - No way.

Good lad.

So what about you then, Addy, have you got a girl?

Yes. Melanie.

I actually saw her last night.

Took her to McDonald's drive‐through.

Yeah, we sat in my car as we munched happily on our burgers.

But when she had finished, it was clear that she was still hungry.

Yeah, if you know what I mean. She wanted a bit of extra beef in her...

- You don't drive, Addy. - Prick.

- What about you, Craggy? - No, no. I'm a late bloomer, me.

And if I had a bird, I'd treat her with respect.

And I wouldn't go around telling everybody else about her arse and her tits.

You're not a late bloomer, Craggy,

you're just a fucking virgin, mate.

You're a virgin, too.

Less of a virgin than you are.

That don't make sense.

No, it doesn't.

Look, boys, all I know, right,

is life's too short to wait about for shit.

I mean, think of it this way, right?

You could be dead tomorrow.

Well, that's a shame, but, uh...

Obviously, I was just humouring Rupert, youthful bravado.

The point is that I loved Katie and...

that's really... Where are we now?

What about here?

Oh, yeah, so...

Katie and I decided that the time was right,

but we struggled to find a good place to, um...

- You know... - To have sex.

To have sex?

Here?

That's getting bad, that, now.

Fucking hell.

What about here?

Shall we go?

Yeah, I'll walk you home.

LIAM: You see, in every case, I was the perfect gentleman,

because I knew that...

The thing was, there just wasn't any place for us to do it,

which was incredibly frustrating and...

(WINDOW CLINKING)

Come and let me in!

Are you going to climb in, like Cathy's ghost in Wuthering Heights?

No, I'm going to go through t'door, you idiot.

Come and open it.

Yep, okay.

- I can't believe that you're actually... - Shh!

What a moment that was.

And I'm glad to see that, when it mattered, I had a perfect...

respectful attitu...

For fuck's sake.

She were throwing stones at your window? Fucking hell!

- She must be a right nympho, mate! - Yeah, man.

Well, hats off to you, man, hats off to you.

I bet you're itching to get a few more shags under your belt now,

though, aren't you?

Like, some proper stunners and that.

I don't know, you know. I actually really like Katie.

You don't want to spread your wings a bit?

Mate, you can't be stuck with one bird your whole life.

You've got to get your tally up.

LIAM: This was ridiculous advice, of course,

and for all my naivety, I would be far too smart to heed it.

Um...

I'd forgotten about that.

I must have felt awful, of course.

KATIE: Liam?

Whoa!

Hey, love, what's up?

KATIE: Hiya.

What have you had?

White Lightning.

But I think, in the end, not my fault.

The culture I grew up in was to blame.

There were just no voices of reason amongst my peers.

You're a fucking idiot for risking something so good.

- You've got to tell her. - No way.

You've got to, lad. You've got to say things

before she finds out from somebody else.

- Look, you wouldn't understand. - What, because I'm a virgin?

To be honest, yeah.

Look, honesty's always best, in my experience.

When I took Melanie on the trip to Barbados...

Addy, we all know you're bullshitting, mate.

Ripping off stories out of wank mags. Just give it a rest.

Doing my head in.

Well, despite this cruelty to Addy

and my immature reflex response to Craggy's wise words,

I did heed the advice,

because I was a good person, deep down.

I didn't cheat on you!

KATIE: If you did, just tell me,

and we can talk about it and try and work out what to do.

But if you're lying, please stop

because I'll never be able to talk to you ever again.

I swear on my life, Katie, I did not cheat on you.

You can't lie at all, can you?

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

(WINDOW CLINKING)

LIAM: It was just the wind.

The wuthering wind.

I think I might just be too complex a person for monogamy, you know?

Ugh, no. Um...

Uh, you've misjudged that a bit.

We've just talked about your girlfriend all night

so that's just a bit weird.

If it makes you feel any better,

Melanie's actually left me as well.

She's moved to Ibiza to pursue her dream of being a jet ski model.

Oh, here he is.

Yo.

Ay‐oop.

Not with Rachel tonight?

No.

She says that I should, um, spend some more time with you lot,

so...

Still making you wear jeans, then.

Yeah.

She says she wants me to start wearing chinos and all, now.

What are chinos?

I don't know, to be honest, mate.

Chinos?

We've heard there's a dead cat down t'industrial estate.

Going to go down, if you want to have a look?

Yeah, all right.

Come on, then.

ADDY: You coming, Liam?

Going to be gone by t'time we get there.

- CRAGGY: Do cats get rigor mortis? - ADDY: Of course they do.

(DOOR OPENING)

(LOUD CRASH)

(SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)

I forgot to open the can.