All language subtitles for Ladhood.S01E06.WEB.h264-BREXiT.eng

Hey, baby.

Baby? Bit off‐brand for you.

I'm just feeling cheerful.

Come on in, how you doing?
Let me take this for you.

- How was work?
- Fine. Why is it
so tidy in here?

Because I spent
two hours doing it.

- New bin.
- Oh, nice.

- £100 on a bin?
- Yeah.

I guess I just thought,
the more expensive it is,

the less likely I'll be
to kick it again.

And I am making
the alcohol‐free
beer‐can chicken

- from your mate Finn's
cookery club.
- Oh, wow!

No, I think Finn said
you need to actually open
the can, otherwise...

I did open the can,
don't you worry, come on.

Just relax, come on.
Sit down.

Let's get this lit.

JESS: What's all this
in aid of?

I just wanted us to have
a nice evening together.

And, to be honest,
um, I want to apologise
for last night.

Falling asleep at 9:00,
missing all your calls...

No need to apologise,
I got your voicemail.

Anyway, how did it go?

How did what go?

Your mental health assessment.

It was this morning, right?

- Could you make my line
a bit bigger, please?
- Sure.

What is it?

Um... I, um...

It's okay, you can tell me.

I've messed up.

So, what's going on
after this?

I got the dates wrong.

- What?
- Yeah.

I think, because I recently
tried to sync the calendar
from my laptop to my phone,

and I think there
must have been, like,
a lag in the sync.

- A lag in the sync.
- In the synchronisation
of the calendar, yeah. Shit.

Damn it.

I will get it rearranged.

Now, let's have
some beer‐can chicken,
alcohol‐free...

I don't want
any beer‐can chicken,
alcohol‐free.

- But it's going to be so moist.
- Liam, what I wanted

was for you to go to your
mental health assessment.

Or for you to just show
that you care that you're
going to have to wait

- another...
- Six weeks.

Six weeks? Six weeks.

Well, it'll actually be
another three months

before the therapy
starts, because...

But I'm sure they'll understand
about the lag in the sync.

Oh, will you give up
on the lag in the sync bullshit!

- It's not bullshit.
- Liam...

I know what happened.

Have you guys seen Penelope?

Oh.

You didn't go
because you were scared,

and I'm really sorry
if I'm running out
of sympathy with that.

What do you mean?

You say you're
going to do things,

and I believe you
because I'm an idiot,

and then
you don't do things... [sighs]

No, it was just
the lag in the sync.

What are you doing?

Leaving.

Give you some space
to think.

- I don't need space to think.
- I think you do.

- Well, how long you going for?
- I don't know.

Well, like, ten minutes,
ten years?

- Well, obviously not ten years.
- Ten years, no, but I...

When am I going
to see you again?

Why don't you let me know
when you're ready
to be honest with me?

Okay?

LIAM:
Well, that's Jess for you,
always overreacting.

Why are relationships
so difficult?

Why did I kick
the Brabantia bin?

Adulthood is a nightmare.

Everything used to be
so much easier.

First love was so much easier.

At age 15, I couldn't wait
to join the ranks
of the deflowered.

I'm so bored, man.

But Addy, Craggy and I
were still having to make do
with less‐thrilling pursuits.

I've heard there's a dead dog
down at t'canal path,

if you want to have
a look at that?

- Yeah, all right.
- Hang on, is that Ralph?

YOUNG LIAM:
They're definitely
going out, then.

Are they holding hands now?

He's pathetic.

There was genuinely nothing more
I wanted at this age

than to have someone
to hold hands with.

- What a sell‐out.
- Is he wearing jeans?

LIAM: Since Ralph
had recently found
himself exchanging

family heirlooms for cocaine,
he decided to make
some changes,

staying away from drugs,
even wearing denim.

We didn't like it one bit,
but Rachel did.

- CRAGGY: Now then.
- Hiya.

Not saying hello, Ralph?

Hello.

We're going to go look
at a dead dog
down at t'canal path,

if you want to come?

Sick! Where is it?

I mean, um...

No, me and Rachel are actually
on our way to take in a picture.

A picture?

Sorry, guys.

"Guys"?

"Guys"?

Why wouldn't he want to go
look at a dead dog?

Because he's a fucking girl,
hanging out with his girlfriend,
that's why.

Probably quite telling
that my superficial reaction

to Ralph's
basic personal growth

was an accusation
of emasculation.

And deep down,
that feeling that
we were just immature,

sexless losers
was becoming more
and more acute.

Fuck's sake.

I don't know
why you're so bothered.

I'm embarrassed to be
a fucking virgin,
to be honest, Craggy.

We all should be.

I'm not actually a virgin.

I've got a girlfriend,
to be honest.

What? No, you don't.

- Yeah, I do.
- Who is she?

Her name is Melanie.

And I met her in a casino.

Yeah. She asked me
if I could lend her a chip
for the poker table,

and let's just say,
I made it all the way
to the river.

Addy, you're not old enough
to get into a casino.

No more questions.

Just when I'd resigned myself
and my loser mates

to a lifetime
of deriving entertainment
from animal corpses...

life offered a reprieve
in the form
of an interschool trip

for high‐achieving
English students.

It's called
Young, Gifted and Talented.

It doesn't mean those of you
who aren't picked are any worse,

it just means
you're going to do
worse in your education,

and probably
your life as a whole.

So now, apparently,
my ability to identify
personification

was worthy
of institutional reward.

Going from this class will be...

Liam...

and that's it.

- (MUSIC PLAYING ON EARPHONES)
- Absolute banger, this.

- I like it.
- It's giving me
a headache, that.

Aw, has gifted
and talented boy

- got an 'eadache?
- Not clever enough
for you, is it?

Look, I didn't put myself
forward to go.

I'm only off 'cause parents
are making me. Get off!

And also 'cause, secretly,
I was very excited
by the prospect

of spending a week
writing about the landscape

in a youth hostel
in the North Yorkshire Moors.

James, Chrissie,
you go together.

And the final pair
will be Liam and Katie.

You will all have an hour
to write one side of A4,

describing the
North Yorkshire Moors
in a positive light.

In your pairs.

LIAM: Katie McAleer.

She came into focus like a JPEG
loading by 56k dial‐up,

making spikes of desire
surge through the membrane
of my innocence

like a first wisdom tooth
breaking a gum.

She was utterly my type,

which is to say she was
more attractive than me.

(YOUNG LIAM CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, I, uh...
I think we're
working together.

Oh, right.

So, what school do you go to?

Garforth. You?

- Rothwell.
- Never met anyone
from Rothwell before.

Why would I have done?
It was three miles away.

So, what is it
we've got to do again?

Write one side of A4,

describing the Yorkshire Moors
in a positive light.

Positive light.

How sad is that?

This is the setting
of Wuthering Heights.

Savage nature,
Gothic romance.

Yeah.

- Have you actually read
Wuthering Heights?
- 'Course. Haven't you?

Yeah, 'course I have.

What's your favourite part?

Of the book?

Um...

So many bits
to choose from, in't there?

It's probably just the...

all the...

wuthering.

- That's so funny.
- Is it?

The wuthering.

I actually prefer the heights.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Anyway, we'd better get on
with this nonsense.

Tell you what,
let's not describe moors
in a positive light.

Let's describe them
in their true light.

Yeah. Dark light.

Nice oxymoron.

So, how about...

"Under the brooding skies,

"the moors stretch out
like a violent sea
of malign feeling"?

Nice.

Katie and I were kept behind
because our work
apparently showed...

...a morbid disrespect
for the perfect beauty
of Yorkshire.

LIAM: So we had to sit
and rewrite

while everybody else
went to play rounders.

But we didn't care,
because we knew really
that we were

the young, gifted
and talented‐est

in the entire
funding district.

When we get back,
do you want to meet up?

Which will involve,
because the concept of a date

doesn't really exist
for people this age,

just meeting up
near one of our houses

and walking around and talking
and laughing about things

which we won't really be able
to remember the substance of
in 15 years' time.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Nice one.

By which I meant,
"I love you."

Or, at least,
because up to this point

I'd never loved anyone
who wasn't a blood relation
or an animal,

"I think I have the potential
to love you."

When I got back from Young,
Gifted and Talented, or YGT,

I had not only
a taxpayer‐subsidy‐improved
aptitude

for metaphor and simile,
but more importantly,

a new use for my mobile phone,

a device whose sole purpose
up to then had been

to inform my parents
that I'd be slightly late
for tea,

now became something
much more significant.

"Hey, HRU?
I'm proper missing YGT,
home is boring..."

I wouldn't really
speak my texts aloud
as I wrote them like this,

but it just helps
with the storytelling.

"Hey, Mum, can we please have
chicken Kievs for..."

All right, no, boring.
Let's move on with the story.

And when credit ran out,
there was always MSN Messenger,

on which Katie,
AKA Crazy‐in‐love‐Katie,

and me,
AKA LiamIsCool254Weed,

spent hours talking.

In some ways, it was like
the opposite of texting,

entailing not
a sparse economy of contact

but a kind of limitless space
in which to self‐disclose.

You could be occupied
like this for hours,

unless somebody needed to use
the house phone.

- (TAPPING KEYBOARD)
- WOMAN: Need to call your nana!

Don't worry, son,
broadband in three years.

Before long, I began
to understand a little better

what had happened to Ralph.

I cut down on the weed
and soon saw the benefits of,

e. g., being able
to breathe properly,
and not stinking all the time,

and being able
to get through an entire day

without hearing weird
demon voices in my head.

I felt happy.

What are you thinking?

Just thinking
about Wuthering Heights.

And how, in chapter nine,
when Cathy says,

"I have dreamt in my life
dreams that have stayed
with me

"ever after,
and changed my ideas

"and have gone through
and through me."

And I was just thinking,
being with you,
it's like a dream to me.

One that I'll always remember.

Ugh.

You've only just read that book
to impress me, haven't you?

No.

You can't lie at all, can you?

- It's not a lie...
- Shut up.

Aw.

We'd spend afternoons
at the park,

where we'd often
be told to...

CYCLIST: Get a room!

LIAM: And we'd
wish we could.

But both sets of our parents,
who, every time they came

into the room would see
Katie and me explode,
hot and flustered,

away from each other,
wouldn't leave us home alone
for some reason.

So we had to make do
with the blanketing darkness
of cinemas.

During Minority Report,
we kissed with tongues.

During Die Another Day,
she held on to my thigh
for the entire film,

including trailers and credits.

And during Ice Age, we, um...

Ah, I'd better not say.

CARTOON CREATURE: Whoa!

And there were
house parties, of course,
which would allow me

to play the hero
more than once.

Liam?

Liam?

Whoa!

Hey, love, what's up?

Hiya.

What have you had?

White Lightning.

White Lightning?

White Lightning.

Fucking hell!

You know you can't handle
White Lightning.

But I love it, though.

Come on, let's,
let's get you home.

And I love you.

I love you too.

Come on! Pisshead.

KATIE: Oh, no.

You're the pisshead.

LIAM: With Katie's influence,

I began to appreciate
a better kind of conversation.

I was becoming a truly mature,
respectful young man.

Look, I just want to say,
I'm happy for us to wait.

Wait for what?

You know, to...
To have sex.

Oh.

That's a shame.

Because I want us
to do it right now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Let's do it right now.

No, wait,
let's do it on t'swings,
where those kids can see.

Right.

Okay, um...

I am joking, you idiot.

You're so gullible.

That's really
sweet of you to say.

You're a lovely lad.

I am a lovely lad.

And do you see now,
how love used to be simpler

when you were a teenager,
and it was just the two of you,

and jobs, and rents,
and resentments, and ambitions

were still a lifetime away?

RUPERT: Oh, the big boys
have got girls now, then, yeah?

What the...

So what do they look like
naked, then, your birds?

Well, we aren't going
to talk about that.

I will. Mine's got
a shit‐hot body.

RUPERT: Has she?

What, nice pair of tits
and arse and that, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

What, you shagged her yet?

Nah, not yet.

Mate, what's the point
in having a car

if you're not
going to drive it?

Fair point.

All right, I'm off, me.

See you later.

Well, Ralph's got fucking boring
since he got a bird, in't he?

- Make sure you don't turn out
like that weird maggot, yeah?
- No way.

Good lad.

So what about you then, Addy,
have you got a girl?

Yes. Melanie.

I actually saw her last night.

Took her to McDonald's
drive‐through.

Yeah, we sat in my car
as we munched happily
on our burgers.

But when she had finished,
it was clear that she was
still hungry.

Yeah, if you know what I mean.
She wanted a bit of extra beef
in her...

- You don't drive, Addy.
- Prick.

- What about you, Craggy?
- No, no. I'm a late bloomer, me.

And if I had a bird,
I'd treat her with respect.

And I wouldn't go around
telling everybody else
about her arse and her tits.

You're not a late
bloomer, Craggy,

you're just
a fucking virgin, mate.

You're a virgin, too.

Less of a virgin than you are.

That don't make sense.

No, it doesn't.

Look, boys,
all I know, right,

is life's too short
to wait about for shit.

I mean, think of it
this way, right?

You could be
dead tomorrow.

Well, that's a shame,
but, uh...

Obviously, I was
just humouring Rupert,
youthful bravado.

The point is
that I loved Katie and...

that's really...
Where are we now?

What about here?

Oh, yeah, so...

Katie and I decided
that the time was right,

but we struggled to find
a good place to, um...

- You know...
- To have sex.

To have sex?

Here?

That's getting bad, that, now.

Fucking hell.

What about here?

Shall we go?

Yeah, I'll walk you home.

LIAM: You see, in every case,
I was the perfect gentleman,

because I knew that...

The thing was,
there just wasn't
any place for us to do it,

which was incredibly
frustrating and...

(WINDOW CLINKING)

Come and let me in!

Are you going to climb in,
like Cathy's ghost
in Wuthering Heights?

No, I'm going
to go through t'door,
you idiot.

Come and open it.

Yep, okay.

- I can't believe that
you're actually...
- Shh!

What a moment that was.

And I'm glad to see that,
when it mattered,
I had a perfect...

respectful attitu...

For fuck's sake.

She were throwing stones
at your window? Fucking hell!

- She must be
a right nympho, mate!
- Yeah, man.

Well, hats off to you, man,
hats off to you.

I bet you're itching to get
a few more shags
under your belt now,

though, aren't you?

Like, some proper
stunners and that.

I don't know, you know.
I actually really like Katie.

You don't want to spread
your wings a bit?

Mate, you can't be stuck
with one bird your whole life.

You've got to get
your tally up.

LIAM: This was
ridiculous advice,
of course,

and for all my naivety,
I would be far too smart
to heed it.

Um...

I'd forgotten about that.

I must have felt awful,
of course.

KATIE: Liam?

Whoa!

Hey, love, what's up?

KATIE: Hiya.

What have you had?

White Lightning.

But I think, in the end,
not my fault.

The culture I grew up in
was to blame.

There were
just no voices of reason
amongst my peers.

You're a fucking idiot
for risking something so good.

- You've got to tell her.
- No way.

You've got to, lad.
You've got to say things

before she finds out
from somebody else.

- Look, you wouldn't understand.
- What, because I'm a virgin?

To be honest, yeah.

Look, honesty's always best,
in my experience.

When I took Melanie
on the trip to Barbados...

Addy, we all know
you're bullshitting, mate.

Ripping off stories
out of wank mags.
Just give it a rest.

Doing my head in.

Well, despite
this cruelty to Addy

and my immature reflex response
to Craggy's wise words,

I did heed the advice,

because I was
a good person, deep down.

I didn't cheat on you!

KATIE: If you did,
just tell me,

and we can talk about it
and try and work out what to do.

But if you're lying,
please stop

because I'll never be able
to talk to you ever again.

I swear on my life, Katie,
I did not cheat on you.

You can't lie at all, can you?

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

(WINDOW CLINKING)

LIAM: It was just the wind.

The wuthering wind.

I think I might just be
too complex a person
for monogamy, you know?

Ugh, no. Um...

Uh, you've
misjudged that a bit.

We've just talked about
your girlfriend all night

so that's just a bit weird.

If it makes you
feel any better,

Melanie's actually
left me as well.

She's moved to Ibiza
to pursue her dream
of being a jet ski model.

Oh, here he is.

Yo.

Ay‐oop.

Not with Rachel tonight?

No.

She says that
I should, um, spend
some more time with you lot,

so...

Still making you
wear jeans, then.

Yeah.

She says she wants me to start
wearing chinos and all, now.

What are chinos?

I don't know,
to be honest, mate.

Chinos?

We've heard there's a dead cat
down t'industrial estate.

Going to go down,
if you want to have a look?

Yeah, all right.

Come on, then.

ADDY: You coming, Liam?

Going to be gone by t'time
we get there.

- CRAGGY: Do cats
get rigor mortis?
- ADDY: Of course they do.

(DOOR OPENING)

(LOUD CRASH)

(SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)

I forgot to open the can.