Original subtitles

(upbeat percussive music)

(man screaming)

- [Man] Oh God, ah!

- [Fran] Look, stop struggling.

- [Jamie] We've got you, come on!

- What were you even thinking climbing over here?

- I do not know, okay, I panicked!

People do really weird things when they've got a gun

pointing in their face!

- Shh, can you keep your voice down, please?

- Help, they're trying to kill me!

- Fran, I don't think I can hold him for much longer.

- [Man] Help!

- Look, mate, we're just trying to do our job.

Why don't we pull you up, you can get warm,

and then we'll kill you in a civilized manner.

- Somebody, please!

- Oh God, if we let go of you, you're gonna die anyway.

- All right, okay, you win,

but I will need a little headstart when we get up there.

- All right, five seconds.

- 10?

- Oh God, mate, uh, all right, 10 seconds.

Jamie, time it.

- Great. - No, no!

- [Fran] Jamie, Jamie, no!

- No, shit!

Shitting hell!

(he screams)

(loud thud)

("Figure It Out" by Royal Blood)

- Do you still need me to--

- I think that ship might've sailed, mate.

* Getting hard to sleep but it is in my dreams *

* But it's killing me to try and figure it out *

- [Fran] As you know, if I get less than six hours, God.

I mean, the fluid, it just--

- [Jamie] Matey, for the last time--

- [Fran] Last swell.

- [Jamie] You haven't got eye bags.

They're pert little sacks.

- Who wants pert little sacks hanging off their face?

It's Joao, to be honest.

He can't get to sleep without the sound

of the Amazonian Rainforest at full pelt.

- Oh, man, that is not ideal.

- When I agreed to marry him I thought,

oh, look, there's a lovely gay man that I've met at Pride,

he wants a visa.

Wouldn't think that six months later I'd be kept awake

by the sound of howler monkeys in heat.

- That's the last thing you want on your special day.

- No, well, to be honest, I didn't feel

much like celebrating anyway.

- [The Lawyer] Happy birthday, by the way.

- Shut up in the back.

- I've already bought everything for the big

birthday dinner at mine tonight.

And it was supposed to be a surprise,

but now obviously I've--

- That's so lovely, that's really sweet of you.

So who's coming?

- Oh, all the best ones.

Uh, we're talking you, me.

- What that's it, just us? - Yep.

- Just us? - And a takeaway?

- But that's, that's like every Friday night,

that's not a surprise!

- Well, I called round and everyone who picked up

said they were busy, even Joao.

- Jamie, I've told you, the Brazilians,

they're a quiet, reserved people.

You know, they don't have a big party culture out there.

Anyway, you must've asked other people, what about Patrick?

- Oh, yeah, Patrick said yes.

- Oh, great.

- Then I told him it was your birthday dinner

and he suddenly remembered he had

to go to his mom's funeral.

- She, she died six years ago.

- And they're only burying her now?

- No, Jamie, it's obviously an excuse.

I can't believe that no one else is coming.

- Do you think it's something to do with what happened

at your birthday last year?

I think it was probably a mistake to go

straight from that job to the karaoke bar.

- Can I just say, in my defense,

I had no idea that place was lit with UV lighting,

and if I had, well, I would've changed

my clothes after the hit.

- I mean, how did they know it was blood?

Could've bene urine.

- [The Lawyer] Or semen.

- Can I just say it definitively was not semen.

- But I had a whole day planned.

- Well, I'm sorry.

This muppet decided to wear a wire to Mr. K's meeting,

so now we've got to deal with him.

- But we've already sat here for hours

waiting for Mr. K to call.

You don't wanna waste your precious birthday, Fran,

waiting to, you know.

- [The Lawyer] I can hear everything.

- K-I-L-L him.

- [The Lawyer] Yeah, and I can spell.

It's kind of a requirement of getting a law degree.

I didn't have any choice.

It was either wear a wire or do 25 years!

- Yeah, whatever, pal.

Mr. K said we sit and we wait,

and that's what we're gonna do.

- So why don't we do the birthday stuff in here?

- Because that would be super weird.

- [The Lawyer] Oh, go on, now the adrenaline's worn off,

I'm actually pretty bored back here.

- Yeah, well nobody asked you.

- Let's put this to the vote.

Those in favor of celebrating Fran's birthday

within the van, raise your hand.

(man grunts)

- [The Lawyer] If I could raise my hand I would.

You know, I love birthdays.

- Yeah, well you don't get a vote, do you?

- It's two to one.

We are celebrating.

- [The Lawyer] Woo-hoo!

("Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand)

(phone line ringing)

- [Keith] Hello?

- Oh, hi, Keith?

- [Keith] Yeah.

- It's Fran. (party horn blares)

That was my good ear, it's Fran.

- [Keith] Oh, hey, Fran.

- It's my birthday today.

Okay, and I was just having some people round tonight.

(phone disconnects)

- [Man On Intercom] Next customer, please.

- Hello, um, how you doing, mate?

Can I have a birthday McFlurry for my best friend, please?

- [Man On Intercom] Birthday isn't a flavor.

- Okay, two Smarties, please, what do you want?

- [Fran] Don't ask him!

- Why not?

- We don't have to feed him,

we just need to take care of him until Mr. K calls.

- [The Lawyer] After Eight, please.

- Do you do After Eight?

- [Man On Intercom] No, that promotion ended months ago.

- Okay, they don't have After Eight.

- [The Lawyer] What?

- [Fran] Yeah, it was a promotion thing, it's ended.

- [The Lawyer] Ask again.

- No, no, don't ask again, don't ask--

- Are you sure about the After Eights?

- [Man On Intercom] Listen to me, mate,

you are not hearing me.

I can't make you an After Eight McFlurry

if I literally don't have the After Eight stuff.

- Could you try improvising?

- [Man On Intercom] I haven't got it!

- Oh. - Well, all right!

- Keep your hair on.

- I think he's, I think we've had a definitive answer

on the chocolate and the mint.

I love you dearly, it's quite close proximity.

- Sorry.

- Did you have lasagna last night?

- I did, yeah.

- Wow, and it's still very much in the mix.

* Hey, hey, all right

* Jump up, get it, hey

- [Fran] I can't believe you actually made him

an After Eight McFlurry.

- [Jamie] Well we have to something

while we wait for Mr. K to call.

- [Sat Nav] You have arrived at your destination.

- Yeah, it's good. - Do you want some more?

- [The Lawyer] Yeah, fine, yeah, hold on.

- Can you taste the After Eight?

Who's that?

- I don't know.

Hi.

- Hello, are you Fran?

- [Fran] Who's asking?

- Human Spider.

- Right.

- Are you the stripper I ordered?

- Did you order a stripper?

- Um, no, The Human Spider.

The agency called and said you needed me

for a birthday party.

- Well, there must have been a mix up.

I thought I'd ordered a stripper.

- Oh, well, they do those as well, you know,

strippers, gorilla-grams, magicians, freaks, whatever,

I just go where I'm told really.

- Great, well, I'm telling you to just piss off to Wales.

- Well, hang on, he's here. - Yeah.

- You love animals.

- Yeah, I do, I love animals.

I mean, I love cats and dogs and donkeys,

I'm just not that into grown men dressed as Spider-Man.

- No, not Spider-Man, every time, God.

A Human Spider, there's a big difference, pal.

- Do you wanna pop round?

- Yeah, sure.

- Jamie, what...

- [Human Spider] Right.

- Get out! - Okay, okay.

Oh, you've got someone here from the agency already?

- [The Lawyer] I'm not from the agency.

- Sorry, your agency has a guy with a bag over his head?

Who orders him?

- Finally, somebody, I agree, like,

he makes like 10 times more than me as well.

I just can't understand it.

So who's this guy?

- [The Lawyer] I'm, uh, I'm an old friend.

But I don't get to see these guys very often

because I'm always tied up in court.

In fact, I should be there now.

And when my clients realize that I'm not coming,

they're gonna kill me.

They're gonna kill me, mate!

- I didn't ask for your life story, mate.

Right, let's get started, where do you want me?

- What do you do?

- Oh, uh, I'm a writer, uh, but you know,

just sending stuff out, trying to remain positive.

You know how it is.

- She meant as the man spider.

- Oh, right, sorry.

Right, well, in that case.

Um, forget everything you think you know

about The Human Spider and set your minds to blown.

Sorry, hang on.

* I need some more

* And I feel your body close to mine *

* And I move on love, it's about that time *

* Makes me feel mighty real

* Makes me feel mighty real

* You make me feel mighty real

* You make me feel mighty real

* When we get me

(applauding) - Woo!

- I didn't expect to be moved, but.

- Oh, I didn't think I was gonna have it in me today,

but, oh, when that bass kicks in, man!

Oh, I feel like I can do anything.

- I mean, you could've just sung "Happy Birthday",

but that was powerful.

- Bit rude, not to clap, you could at least--

- [The Lawyer] Firstly, I can't see anything.

And secondly, I can't clap, my hands are tied.

- Sorry, what is going on?

- Is that all part of the act, do you think?

Um, can we let him go?

(gun bangs) (man groans)

That's a no then.

(phone line ringing) (upbeat music)

- [Kirsty] Hello?

- Hello?

Uh, Kirsty, it's Fran.

- [Kirsty] Oh, right, hey.

You came up as a private number.

- Yeah, um, listen, I wondered if you wanted

to come to my birthday dinner tonight?

- [Kirsty] Tonight, um, uh, I'm not sure.

- Listen, Kirsty, if it's about last year's karaoke,

then I'm sorry, we didn't realize they'd be UV lighting

and it looked like blood, I know it did--

- [Kirsty] Sorry, Fran--

- But it wasn't and it, or urine.

And it definitely wasn't semen.

- [Kirsty] Uh, can I call you back?

I'm about to go through a tunnel.

- But this is your home number.

(phone disconnects)

Hello?

- Kirsty a no then?

- Oh, no, she's gonna phone me back.

I think it's likely she'll, yeah.

- Any news from Mr. K?

- No.

- Oh.

("Ante Up" by M.O.P playing in van)

- Oh, shit.

- Here, look who's here.

Oh, my God, you fancy her?

- Oh, God, no I don't, no, God, not remotely.

Not my type, I don't go for that obviously hot thing.

("Bellbottoms" by The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion)

- Fran.

- Liz.

- Jamie. - Jamie.

Sorry, that's my name, Charles.

- Nice hair, what have you done to it?

- I washed it, you should try it sometime.

What are you idiots doing here anyway?

This is our canal.

- Oh, your canal, who do you think you are?

God, someone who owns a canal.

- Oh, Ratty from "Wind in the Willows".

- That's a river.

Also, why are you helping her?

- Sorry. - Don't apologize, it's weak.

- Sorry, ah, I've done it again.

- [The Lawyer] Excuse me, any chance of loosening this bag?

Or maybe a bigger bag?

I mean, not silly big, obviously.

- Get back in the van!

Who the fuck is that?

- Nobody, Liz, just a target.

We're on it, we're all over it.

- What's with his party hat?

- It's Fran's birthday.

- Oh, many happy returns.

(Charles groans)

- Oh, are you guys free tonight?

We're having a birthday dinner.

- They won't be. - Definitely, we'd love to.

- Really?

- No.

- Good, I'm glad you said that

'cause we were joking anyway and--

- Oh, really, 'cause I was just messing with you.

Of course I wanna come.

- What, really?

- Nope, ha!

- Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha!

- If the offer is still on the table, I would love to come.

Um, I'm on antibiotics so I can't really drink--

- Shut up, Charles! - Yeah.

- Anyway, we gotta bounce.

Mr. K's put us straight on another job, big money.

(Charles groans)

- You wouldn't be a darling and dump this

in the canal for us, will you?

- Oh, of course, yeah.

- Enjoy your dinner, sounds like it's gonna be great.

- You're actually really missing out

'cause we're gonna have,

I mean, not that it's just the two of us,

let's lots of people, we're gonna have an amazing night.

Amazing night.

- Round at mine. - Yep.

- Oh, sorry, Fran, I can't hear you.

- What? - You gotta talk louder.

- I'm gonna have a really good birthday!

- I'll put Charles down as a maybe.

- [Charles] Thank you!

- [The Lawyer] Do you guys know any party games?

("Time of the Season" by The Zombies)

- [Fran] Oh, a film, okay.

Um, "Die Hard"?

- [Jamie] Oh, hang on!

- "Die Hard 2"?

"Aladdin"?

Oh, I don't know!

I've been guessing for half an hour and I still haven't got,

what's this?

- [The Lawyer] Well, if I could see, then--

- Yeah, we're not taking that bag off.

- Why?

- Because he'll see our faces!

What if Mr. K decides to let him go?

- [The Lawyer] You invited me to your party,

the least you can do is let me join in.

- I didn't invite you to anything, mate.

- Hang on, I've got an idea.

Bum-bah-bah.

Right, uh, okay.

(scissors snipping)

Just one minute, there.

- Oh, Jamie!

- No, listen, I didn't take the bag off.

I just cut some eye holes so that he could--

- See, see us, well, it's done now.

- Right, I can see now why you're a bit annoyed.

- Hello.

- Oh, FYI, guys, I was doing "Pinocchio".

- Ah, why did you tell us, I was gonna guess.

- What do you mean that's "Pinocchio"?

Why didn't you just do that?

- What's that?

- That's Pinocchio's nose growing, it's sort of,

that's, that's standard how to, Pinocchio!

- I think I saw a different version.

- Can I do one?

- Go on, knock yourself out.

"Riverdance".

- Yes!

- Mm, you see, he can do it,

and he's got his hands tied behind his back.

- Uh, that's actually because he's extremely good at it.

- Yeah, thanks Jamie.

- You're having fun though?

- No.

- Well I am.

- [Jamie] Is Mr. K ever going to call?

Do you wanna open your present?

- Maybe later, you know, just--

- Oh, go on, open it.

- Oh, look, there we are, God.

- [Jamie] Can you believe how long we've known each other?

- I won't lie, sometimes it feels like a lot longer.

Oh, who are these, who are these people?

- Oh, yeah, I could only find one photo of us that fit

so I kept the stock ones so it wouldn't look weird.

- I tell you what, that looks like Carly Barnes,

do you think?

- The girl that used to fiddle with herself in R.E.

- [Both] Captain Birdseye.

- Yeah, do you know she's got a dental practice now?

She set it up with her husband.

- Oh, I wouldn't want those fingers near my mouth,

I'm telling you.

- I know, dunno why I'm laughing at her though,

at least she's got a life, what have I got?

I've got a sham marriage, a knackered van,

and RSI in my trigger, look at that.

- I know what you mean, Fran.

I think if I had my life again,

I'd make different decisions.

Stop using my skills to help terrible people

get away with murder, sometimes literally.

I've wasted so much time mixing with the wrong people

for the wrong reasons.

- I hear you, we were friends with this boy at school.

Bad boy, you know the type?

Used to make us smoke with him

and play pranks on all the teachers.

Anyway, one day, he was trapped in the kiln

and was baked to death.

They had to close down the art department.

Really ruined it for the rest of us.

- Yeah, that wasn't really what I meant.

I guess I'm just saying that nobody's life

works out as they planned, you know.

Everyone ends up doing stuff they're not proud of.

And, in the end, the most important thing

is the people who know you and accept you for who you are.

- God, you know what?

For a guy that's spent most of the day

with a bag on his head, you are absolutely right.

(phone vibrates)

(suspenseful music) Hello?

Yeah.

Understood.

- Please.

No, I, listen, you don't have to do this.

Just speak to Mr. K and just tell him that I'm sorry, okay?

Come on, he's a reasonable guy!

- He is not a reasonable guy.

- Jamie? - It's not her decision.

Don't look at her, please, turn around.

- Oh my God, this is really happening.

(gun cocks)

Oh my God.

(whimpering)

- Only joking!

I'm just joking, he said you're free to go.

That was a really good one, that was a,

it's just, it's just a birthday prank.

It's just, your face, your face was unbelievable.

It was just...

(vomits)

(all laughing)

(vomits)

(all laughing)

- You really had me going there.

- Oh, seriously though, what are you doing tonight?

("Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire)

- I'd like to propose a toast.

- Oh.

- To birthdays. - Yay!

- And to new friends.

- To new friends.

And to birthdays not spent cry-eating cake alone

in a karaoke booth.

Cheers.

- Cheers. - Oh, I almost forgot.

Back in a sec.

- Do you want some more wine?

- Uh, oh, yes please.

- [Fran] Right, coming straight up.

(phone chimes)

- Oh, look, you got a text.

- Is one of my mates just finally remembering my birthday?

- Uh, no, no, look, it's from Mr. K.

He says, he says have you done it yet?

Have you done what yet?

He didn't say I could go, did he?

Did you just keep me alive so that you could

have a guest at your birthday dinner?

Sorry, you fucking bitch.

(intense music)

(gun bangs)

* Hap

("Isla De Encanta" by the Pixies)