All language subtitles for Columbo S08 E04 Grand Deceptions 1989 BluRay x264 720p-DeMotJo_eng

Good morning, sir.

Morning, Corporal.

Any word on our toy soldiers?

Not a one, sir.

The shop still insists
they've been shipped.

The deed'll never get done
with just the books.

At least I've got them sorted out.

I'll be out at the camp until noon.

After that, at the Foundation.
Let me know if the soldiers show up.

Not much of a surprise for the general,
not if they don't get here by tonight.

It'll take me hours
to set those things up.

The general's office is off limits
until his party.

I've got it locked off, for all the good...

that'll do us without any soldiers.

Right, sir.

We'll keep our fingers crossed.

Oh, yes, Corporal. Wish us both luck.

You people haven't seen much of me,
but I know all about you.

I know that if you wanted
to learn close-order drill...

you'd have joined a marching band,

and not the First Foundation
training battalion.

You've spent two weeks of your lives
and a lot of your very good money...

learning to fight and kill
like professionals.

Tomorrow, Sergeant Major Keegan
and his trainers...

will send you home tough,
confident and capable.

Someday your capability will be
this country's first line of defense...

against our enemies.

Some of those enemies have seen fit
to deprive us of a draft army,

a trained body of citizens,

ready to guard our families
and our way of life.

Now, by your personal sacrifices,

you have embraced that responsibility.

Tonight's maneuvers will be
your last formal exercise.

After that, I expect you
to live what you've learned.

General Padget is proud of you.
I'm proud of you.

Soldiers, I salute you.

How much longer are you gonna
keep making that phony bugle-boy...

speech to the troops?

Fine body of men
you're turning out there.

Well, I don't like this job.

I hated dumb duty when I was in the army,
and I don't like it any better now.

You never drew this kind of pay
for real soldiering.

Neither did you, Frank.

Now,

you don't mind me calling you Frank,
do you, Colonel, huh?

It's fair, Lester. We've been around
a few blocks together.

Yeah, that's true, that's true.
Now you're running this foundation here,

and you're working for the old general,
I'm working for you.

Only the general, he... He doesn't
trust you all that much anymore.

Turns out he likes me better.

Cheers.

Is that a fact, Lester?

You know, the general thinks
you're holding out on him, Frank.

Some operation called, uh,
Special Projects Fund.

Did you ever hear of
the Special Projects Fund?

That's Foundation business.

It's got nothing to do
with the training battalion.

Well, Frank, that's exactly
what I told General Padget...

when he asked me
to look into this for him.

But how in the hell am I gonna
find out anything that high and fancy,

unless I talk to some of
my old army brothers in the Pentagon?

Which I did. Just top-kick non-coms.

What the hell, close enough to the bone.

And you know what I found out?

I have a feeling
you're gonna tell me, Lester.

You're using the general's foundation...

to do things
that they put people in jail for.

Then you're cutting out
a nice slice of cash for yourself.

But, Frank, listen,

I don't have the slightest intention of
blabbing any of this to General Padget.

Not after what you and I
have been through. Mmm-mmm.

I appreciate that, Lester.

Oh, thanks for the use of the room.

Of course I had to do
a little recon job for myself.

So I can tell you that I also know
who you've been sleeping with.

Sergeant Major Keegan, you seem to
have a great deal on your mind.

Well, Frank, you see,
I got this idea in my head...

that if the Foundation's got money
for you, you've got money for me.

What do you say, partner?

It's the old army game, Lester.

All those black phone calls
you've been making.

You call your friends, they call you.

They pump their friends,
their friends call me.

And round and round it goes.

So I guess I'm about three points
ahead of you on this.

As for whom I may or may not
be sleeping with,

I've noticed you've been following me
around here and there.

Lester, you don't do that very well,
so I know all about that, too.

So what are we gonna do
about all this?

We're gonna take care of each other,

so long as neither one of us
gets greedy.

Starting when?

Give me a couple of days
to bring you an offer.

Old battle comrades never die,
they just get rich together.

No hard feelings, Frank?

Life's too short.

Nobody knows that
better than we do, huh?

That's right.

Those were the days of Korea.

I only had one star then, and
in the presence of a five-star general,

one star gave you
as much heft as a shavetail.

I remember the first time
he cocked that pipe at me,

he couldn't even remember my name.

But that's all right.
I couldn't either.

I've got a lot of stars
myself now, I affirm.

I've had 'em for some time.

Every once in a while, they let me
dress up in my soldier's suit,

and try to impress somebody.

But you think-tank people are
too smart for that kind of stuff.

Nowadays, I have the honor
to head up your organization.

They put my name
on the top of the stationary,

and they call me your chairman.

You're a great bunch
of folks here. I would...

I only wish I had you on my staff
when I was in the Army.

My beautiful wife here and I
both thank you for a lovely morning.

And now, now it's time for Frank and me
to get out there,

and dig up some more contributions
to keep this place going.

God bless you all.

You made it a very pleasant morning,
Frank. You always do.

We'd still like the General
to keep an office here.

I wouldn't know what to do with it.
I don't even know what's going on here.

Too many Ph.D. 's trying to rewrite
the history of the world.

Say, how is that sergeant major
of yours doing?

I haven't seen him for a while.

– Lester Keegan?
– Right.

Still hammering away at the troops.

Well, I don't know about that bunch,

but Keegan's a good man.
A good soldier. We need more like him.

Oh, it almost slipped my mind again.

That Special Projects Fund
of yours, Frank.

You know, I still haven't
seen the report yet.

All brought up to date, sir.
I think it'll explain everything.

That's it?

That's the report.

I'm grateful, Frank.

Someone promises once and
doesn't deliver, well, that's a busy man.

Promises twice,
he's not very efficient.

Promises three times,
I know when I'm being diddled.

But here we are, after all.
I take it all back.

And now I'd like another look at
that sexy computer system of yours.

There goes my Squire Toad.
Enthusiasm unbounded.

Are we gonna have the soldiers
for him, Frank?

Still up for grabs.

Colonel Brailie, I've got...
Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Padget.

Not at all, Marcia. I was just leaving.

I'm glad you got that report to Jack.
He was fretting about it.

– I'll see you at the dinner party.
– Indeed.

Bye-bye, Marcia.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Padget.

What can I do for you, Marcia?

We seem to have
two Special Projects reports.

Do you want either one of them
in central files?

No, I'll take care of them.
Just leave them here.

You know I don't love you.

What I love is
being here with you, like this.

Does that make me a bad woman?

Only for a few hours,

my depraved Jenny.

Hmm. Of all the sins,
Jack says betrayal is the worst.

What's your worst conceivable sin?

Not getting what I want.

I meant what I said, Frank,
our first time.

We'll take what we enjoy from each other,
but I won't have him hurt.

Not by you, not by me, not by us.

He'll never know. Never. I promise.

Okay, you've had a taste.
Final exam's coming up.

Time to see what all you heroes
have learned these past two weeks.

Now, you got three hours
to get back to base camp,

in the dark, in the muck, in the woods.

And, just so you don't think
those pits you see in the woods,

the ones with the white lime
circles around them,

just so you don't think
they're nifty little hiding places,

every once in a while
the bogeyman is gonna make them go...

That's mortar fire.

And you're never gonna know
when it's incoming.

So I don't wanna ever catch
any of your raggedy butts...

hanging around something
that looks like a white circle.

Now, that's the menu
for tonight's tea party.

So you soldiers of fortune,
get some chow, get some rest,

'cause the fun and games
commence at sundown.

The sexual life of the camel...

Is stranger than anyone thinks.

He lies in the shade of the pyramids...

And tries to make love to the Sphinx.

But the Sphinx is only a statue...

Beset by the sands of the Nile...

Which accounts
for the humps on the camel...

And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

All right, Mr. Martinson,
it's your turn on stage.

Oh, well...

Well, in this glittering company
all Peggy and I have to offer...

is a little contribution to help
celebrate the general's birthday.

Well, we don't wear uniforms,

but we do like to think of
ourselves as patriots.

So keep up the good work there,
Jack, and you, too, Frank, and...

damnation to our enemies.

Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

Jenny, our good friends seem to
have made this out to the First Foundation.

Now, I'm not going to tell you people
how much this is for,

but I think I've counted
pretty close to six zeroes.

Come on.

Come here!

Jenny, I got 'em.
600 blue and gray.

The toy soldiers?

Just delivered.

What a shame, Frank.
You won't have time.

Let me try.

Two hours, then bring everybody up
to the pool house.

If I haven't got everything set up,
at least we'll have something to show off.

Jennifer? Where's Jennifer?

Jennifer! There you are.

Now, tell me, what's all this about?

More birthday surprises.

Oh, my.

Anybody out yet?

Nah. They're falling
over their own feet in there.

Throw me that checklist.

Count 'em right, Sidney.

Everybody checked out
before you start the light show.

I'll take care of the hookups.

Keegan to Winnik. I'm out of here.

Frank?

Frank?

Frank?

Happy birthday, Jack.

Happy birthday!

I'll be damned.

Gettysburg.

Cemetery Ridge.
Pickett's Charge.

Love from Jenny.

Indeed.

It's a marvel.

You're a marvel.

The books go with it, Jack.

All the Civil War battles
you'd ever want to fight.

All on a nice, clean sand table.

Not so clean that day.

No, not when the dying began.

Flesh and bone and heartbreak.

Listen up!

We're all out of the woods,
and count yourselves lucky.

You were still in there. The enemy had
his artillery ranged and ready.

So that's where you begin to die,
like this.

Look at that.
I think we just lost one of our men.

My name is Brailie.

Well, my pleasure, sir.
Colonel Brailie.

– You're from the Foundation.
– That's right.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Police.

A lieutenant.

We seem to be fellow officers,
Lieutenant.

You know the responsibility
of leading your men.

Well, mostly the men I lead,
that'd just be me, sir.

I see.

Still, you can understand
an officer's concern,

when he's lost someone
under his command.

Is there any way I can assist you here?

Well, thank you very much, sir.

The training battalion,

all the military uniforms and
military ranks,

it was very confusing
to understand that all this...

is really just a school for civilians.

But we seem to have that
under control now, sir.

Then what are all these people
searching for?

Search and look, look and search...

for whatever might explain
the circumstances.

They expect us to do that in homicide.

Homicide?
I was told it was an accident.

Well, there is one question.

About the exercises last night.

Now, I understand that Mr. Keegan
set those switches over there,

and then he radioed...

May I ask, sir,
were you watching the exercises?

No, I'm afraid I was at a dinner party
for General Padget.

Right.

General Jack Padget?

That General Padget?

That General Padget.

That would be like having dinner
with history, sir, wouldn't it?

He's the honorary chairman
of our foundation.

You were about to
ask me a question, Lieutenant.

A question? Right.

Mr. Keegan, yes.

Mr. Keegan set those switches
for what they call a light show.

He radioed Sergeant Winnik
that he was leaving.

But it was an hour later,

when Sergeant Winnik
fired off the explosives that killed him.

What was he still doing here?

Can you help me with that,
Colonel Brailie?

I've been wondering about that myself.

Obviously something
brought him back here.

But why to this particular spot,
when he knew it was so dangerous?

What am I gonna say in my report?

That he was checking
a wiring connection,

or searching for something,
or someone.

Even the best of trained men
grow careless.

While I played with toy soldiers.

Toy soldiers, sir?

I was setting up a gift for the General.

I'm gonna give you
four final words, Lieutenant.

Chest burned and excavated.

Now, you need me for anything else?

That's it. Thanks, Clarence.

I'll send the attendants.

We served together.

Little wars in secret places.

I brought him out of the army
into the training battalion.

All that combat,
to die on a night exercise.

Well,

we're just gonna have to call it
an accident, sir, and let it go at that.

I have arrangements to make,
Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me.

Right, sir. You just run along,
and we'll call you if we need anything.

I'm very sorry.

Thank you.

Lieutenant! We found it, sir!

– Hey, Jackson, over here.
– They got it, they got it. Check it out.

Right there,
at the bottom of the slope.

Right there, Lieutenant.

Very good, Sergeant.

Eddie, gonna need some photographs.

This object that I have in my hand is
a flashlight, is that right?

Yes, sir.

You all see that?

Yes, sir.

Battalion's closed down until we
find out why this accident happened.

Last night we lost a comrade.

All of you have served
in the regular forces.

Some of you have seen
violent death before.

That's the profession we picked.

We're soldiers, so make the best of it.

That's all.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That'd be my mess.

I must have tracked it in here
when I came back to clean up.

Well, that's all right, Lieutenant.

Lester kept this place
like he was still a recruit.

We wouldn't want to desecrate it now.

Well, I apologize, Colonel.
Here, let me take that.

This camp.
I never saw so much mud.

I counted seven different type muds.

You can't imagine
how many different kinds of mud.

That's what a detective
has to be interested in.

Green mud and black mud,

wet mud and dry mud,
old mud and new mud.

I bring the samples home.
My wife, that's Mrs. Columbo,

she won't even let me
bring it in the house.

That woman, she keeps her house
like Sergeant Major Keegan.

There.

Now, that mud...

That's the mud from where
the victim was killed.

In the accident.

You're very thorough, Lieutenant.

I don't think I'd like you on my trail.

Oh, if that were the case, sir,

I'd have to ask you what you were
doing here in the victim's quarters.

And I'd tell you
it was to say a kind of last farewell.

Of course, sir.

And clean up the mud.

And that, too.

Colonel.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Yes, Sergeant?

I've got the men here, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I'll send them in one at a time.

I wanted to talk to some of the men, sir,
just to get a feel of the place.

Go to it, Lieutenant.

Please, call me at the Foundation
if there's anything I can do for you.

Here I be.

You wanted to know
about the training battalion?

I want to know about you, sir,
and why you came here.

To get ready for the time of anarchy.

Time of anarchy?

When the element tries to take over.

The element, sir?

Now, maybe you don't care,

but they ain't gettin' me,
and they ain't gettin' mine!

Right.

Training up to be a mercenary, sir.

In two weeks?

That's what the article said
in the magazine.

Best camp I've ever been to, sir.

You mean you've been
to these places before?

Little bit, sir.
Taylor Point, South Carolina,

Westerville, Arizona,
Squeaks Ridge, Pennsylvania,

Centerburg, North Dakota,
High Bluff, Nevada,

Tannerstown, Oklahoma,
Forge Bend, Kentucky.

Then last year, sir,
I got into Blast Cap, Georgia,

Deal, Montana, Murphytown...

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie's busy for a few minutes.

He'll get to you as soon as he can.

That's quite all right, ma'am.
Thank you very much.

At the Foundation, ma'am,
what is it people do here?

We're what they call
a think tank, Lieutenant.

Oh, a think tank.
This is a think tank. That's what it is.

Thank you.

What do they think about?

Our country's problems, Lieutenant.

I'm sure Colonel Brailie
will explain it to you.

Right. Thank you, ma'am.

Yes? What is it?

Sorry. Wrong door. Excuse me.

Having a look around, Lieutenant?
Sorry to keep you waiting.

Not at all, sir.
This is a very interesting place.

Well, come on.
See what else might be interesting.

Oh, Marcia,
please remind Professor Gait,

I'll need to see the Dalai Lama
before my trip to Tibet.

Yes, Colonel.
Carl Peterson just called from Mali.

Get him back.
And ring through. No other calls.

Come in, Lieutenant.

Well, this is certainly
a most interesting office.

And your work,
it sounds very intriguing, sir.

Visiting Tibet,
and phone calls from Mali.

That's in Africa, isn't it, sir?

It is, Lieutenant.

You'll find it...

right here.

Oh, yeah, Mali.

It's a very uncertain world, Lieutenant.

Things happen unexpectedly,
and even randomly.

Our policies have to expect
the unexpected.

That's the sort of thing
we think about here at the Foundation.

You mean, the best plans, sir,
sometimes go all wrong?

Well, not the very best plans.

Here we try to design perfect plans.

Feel free to look around, Lieutenant.

Yes?

Put him through.

Hello, Carl.

Did you see the tanks yourself?

Well, find them and count them.
I'm not interested in the CIA report.

Take care of yourself.

Well, what have you
found there, Lieutenant?

Is this what I think it is?

What do you think it is?

Well, it looks like
a human head all shrunken.

It is indeed a shrunken human head...

from the Jivaro Indians of Ecuador.

He was a soldier killed in battle.

Otherwise his head wouldn't
have been all shrunken.

I keep it as a soldier's warning.

A single misstep
in the face of my enemy,

and I might end up like
our unfortunate friend here.

Right, sir.
I guess we can say this fella,

he's a lesson to all of us.

Now, Lieutenant, how can I help you?
Did you talk to our trainees?

I did, sir, and I must say...

I'm puzzled.

What puzzles you?

The kind of people they were.
They just don't seem to go with all of this.

The Foundation
and the training battalion,

they're very different, aren't they, sir?

Different, indeed.

Sophisticated scholars
and roughneck romantics.

Some of our people here call
the training operation...

our bargain-basement boutique.

Still, the fees help finance
our Foundation work.

For the rest of it,
we depend on donations.

Is there something here
you wanna show me?

Oh, yes. Well, it's really
just a question, Colonel Brailie.

Mr. Keegan, the victim,

was he unhappy with his work
out there at the camp?

Well, not that I know of.
He never complained. Why do you ask?

It's these pieces of paper, sir.
I found them in Mr. Keegan's desk.

An unexplained accident, sir.
We're supposed to look around like that.

Yes, I'm sure you are.

They're all from the want-ads sections
of the newspapers.

Help wanted. All help-wanted ads.

Like Mr. Keegan was thinking
of changing jobs.

All different jobs.

"Limousine drivers wanted."

"Employment opportunities
in Saudi Arabia."

"Gun shop needs expert clerk."

"Careers in security services."

Odd jobs like that.

And the dates.

Here, sir.

The dates are all in sequence.

Like Mr. Keegan was looking
every single day until last Monday.

Then it stopped. No more ads.

You see, sir?
Do you see how the dates run out?

Mmm-hmm. I see, Lieutenant.

What's your point?

Well, here's a man, he's looking
in the newspapers for a new job.

He's looking every day.
He's looking and marking the ads.

Then six days ago, everything changes.

He stops looking. No more ads.

I gotta ask myself,
what happened last Monday?

What changed in Mr. Keegan's life
last Monday?

Can you think of anything, sir?

I can't imagine, Lieutenant.

I only visited the camp
when new classes began and ended.

Do you think he could
have found a new job?

I can't conceive Lester
even looking for another job.

Well, we can't read
the man's mind, can we, sir?

All right. Well, thank you very much
for your help. I'll just be running along.

He never talked to you
about a raise, money, anything like that?

Nothing like that.

Lester was perfectly happy with his life
when I saw him yesterday morning.

What could this possibly
have to do with his accident?

Exactly, sir. That's my point.

Here we have an accident on our hands.
My report is gonna call this an accident.

And there we go, we're complicating it
with a lot of questions.

The paperwork,
it's gonna go on forever,

unless we just learn to forget
about these little questions.

All right, sir.
Well, thank you again.

– Good day, Lieutenant.
– Good day, sir.

Those sticks, sir.

Excuse me?

These sticks.

Those people sitting on the floor
in that room down there,

they were shaking sticks
just like these.

Yes, they're I Ching sticks.

An ancient Chinese way
of divining the future.

You mean, people use these
for fortune-telling?

Well, it's all rather mystical.
One shakes the container like this,

and eventually,

one of them falls out like this.

See, and each stick has
its own unique markings.

These lines here.

You look up the meaning
in the I Ching book.

You know, what the future holds,
how to deal with your life,

what decisions to make.

All from just this stick?

All from that stick.

Of course, it all depends
on some pretty hazy interpretation.

We do these studies
to try to understand the...

processes of
Chinese decision-making.

For instance, I happen to know
that this is the Ming Yi symbol.

What would that mean, sir?

Well, it could mean, among other things,
that a woman is sitting on a well,

and that's been interpreted
as a warning against a trap.

Right.

A woman on a well.
That's a trap. I can see that.

I'm gonna tell that one to Mrs. Columbo.

Well, you've been very kind, Colonel,
and I won't intrude any longer.

Not at all.

And we both better guard
ourselves against traps, sir,

or we're liable to lose our heads.

Bye again.

One more thing, sir.

I'll show you how I find
these little problems,

that I really shouldn't even
be looking for.

I put it here somewhere.
I know I got it.

Well, it seems like I don't have it.

Oh, no, here it is.

Over here by the light, sir.

You see this, Colonel Brailie?

Yes. It looks like dirt, Lieutenant.

Lots of dirt, bits of leaves,
little twigs.

Found jammed up under
Mr. Keegan's collar.

Lots of dirt, bits of leaves...

And twigs.

Little twigs.

What do you think of that, sir?

Obviously blown under his collar
by the explosion.

But when the explosion went off,
he was lying face down.

His chest was all blown in.
Excuse me for saying that.

So how could all this dirt get back here,
underneath his collar?

What do you make of it, Lieutenant?

Well, it's like the victim was being
dragged through the dirt on his back.

Like somebody was dragging
Mr. Keegan by his arms,

and his collar was
scooping up all the dirt.

You see how that can
confuse my accident report?

Yes, you have my sympathies.

Still, I can tell you
from battlefield experience,

an explosion can produce
random results.

I think the explosion
would account for the dirt.

Then that's what I'm gonna say
in my report.

Explosion,

random results.

This is gonna be very helpful.

Colonel Brailie,
General Padget's on the phone.

I'll take it at my desk.
Goodbye, Lieutenant.

He wants to talk
to Lieutenant Columbo.

Talk to me?

General Padget?

General Padget on the line.

General Padget. Sir.

Okay, I'm gonna put you
in charge. You take care of the car.

You're a responsible dog.

When I get back, if the car's okay,
I'll give you another cookie.

If the car's gone, I give you another
cookie anyway, 'cause I love you.

With a knick-knack
paddywhack

Give a dog a bone

Excuse me, ma'am. Lieutenant Columbo.
The General's expecting me.

Yes, of course.
I'm Jenny Padget.

Is that your car,
Lieutenant?

Yes, ma'am.
Afraid it needs a wash now.

I had one like that once,
a long, long time ago.

Well, you should've
held onto it, ma'am.

That car, that's a collector's item now.
Lovely thing, isn't it?

Yes. Lovely, indeed.
Please, come in.

My husband's back
in the pool house.

Come in.

Excuse me, sir.

Columbo?

Right.

Padget.

Well, come on in. I'm not gonna go
all the way over there.

Well, what do you think of this?

A birthday present.

You know what all this is, Lieutenant?

Could this be Gettysburg?

Cemetery Ridge?

What do you know
about Cemetery Ridge?

Well, it's not me
so much as my nephew.

He belongs to one of those groups
that get together to fight all the battles...

from the Civil War books.

This is certainly some beauty.

Pickett's Charge.

On orders from General Longstreet.

Half a day late and the battle is lost.
Longstreet's fatal flaw.

Well, the fatal flaw, sir,
I always thought it was shoes.

Excuse me?

There was a shoe factory
in Gettysburg.

If General Lee hadn't needed
shoes for his men,

there may never have been
a Battle of Gettysburg.

Well,

I'll be damned.

You're a good man, Lieutenant.
You know things. A pleasure to meet you.

And it's a real privilege to meet you, sir,
and to see how you set this table up.

Oh, I didn't set it up.
Frank Brailie did that last night.

Those are the books, sir?

"Lincoln and His Generals."

"Bluebellies and Johnny Reb."

That's the one.
That's the great one.

That's a classic.

"The Gray Runs Red."

This is some collection.

A gift from my wife.
The whole thing was a gift from Jenny.

Look at this.

A Union soldier.

He retreated too far.
Where are we gonna put him?

How about with the artillery,
over here on Little Round Top?

Why don't we help out
General Hancock? You put it here.

Well, sir, you're the general.

There.

But I don't think that you invited me
over here to help fight the Civil War.

You're right.

We lost a good man last night.

A stupid accident.

He was on my own payroll, so to speak.

You wanna know the truth?
I don't know beans about our accounting.

I told that to Sergeant Major Keegan
a few days ago.

He was standing
right where you're standing.

Would that have been on Monday, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact, it was.

Well, in that case, sir,

I'll ask you what you and Mr. Keegan
talked about on Monday.

Lieutenant, I'm going to trust you.

I asked him to be my eyes and my ears,
do me a little favor.

I might not know
too much about accounting,

but I do know millions
of Foundation dollars...

have dribbled down into some rat hole
called Special Projects Fund.

Now, Frank Brailie finally
gave me that report...

on the Special Projects Fund yesterday.

Been after him for weeks.
It was like pulling teeth.

Not the way Colonel Brailie
usually does things.

Anyway, last Monday,

I asked Sergeant Major Keegan
to look into all of that for me,

to find out what was going on.

Good man. He knows his business,

just like I think
you know your business.

Well, I never heard from him again.

A real tragedy.

Got the report here,
anyway, for what it's worth.

Does that answer your question
about what happened last Monday?

In a manner of speaking, sir.

May I ask you, what exactly is
the Special Projects Fund?

Well, it's a catchall
for everything that isn't nailed down.

Our own intelligence operations
around the world, special grants abroad,

anything that's around,
according to this report.

Now, I'm gonna ask you a favor,
Lieutenant.

You're looking around about the camp.
Keegan's life, Keegan's effects.

You find any odds and ends
about the Special Projects report,

you keep me informed.
You think you can do that for me?

Anything I can do
for General Jack Padget,

that would be
my own personal pleasure.

Why don't we stop
this mutual buttering-up,

and see if we can't help each other?

Okay?

Good. Before you go,
I want you to stick this in your pocket.

It's your soldier. You found this.

Here.

Give you an excuse to come back again.
If you don't, I'll claim you stole it.

Right, sir. And I certainly will be back.

You can count on that, sir.

Lieutenant?

I was picking up my cleaning. They gave
me Sergeant Major Keegan's stuff.

I didn't know what to do with it.

I'll take it for you.

Sergeant, do you like your work here?

It's a job.

Sergeant Major Keegan,
did he like his work here?

He never said.

Good night, Sergeant.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Colonel Brailie.
Well, this is some surprise, sir.

I was looking for a Mr. Dunstan.
A Mr. L. Dunstan, apartment 2A.

Yes, Lieutenant,
this is indeed apartment 2A.

Is there something I can do for you?

Careful, sir. You almost spilt that.
I promise, it'll only take a minute.

What a remarkable coincidence.
Would you be visiting Mr. Dunstan?

Would it astonish you to learn
that Mr. Dunstan, Mr. L. Dunstan,

and myself are
exactly the same person?

That's you, sir?
You're Mr. Dunstan?

I don't mean to be inhospitable,
Lieutenant,

but I'm expecting a guest
at any moment.

Of course, sir. I should have known.

The wine and the music.
I'd have to say a lady.

Exactly.
Now, if you'll excuse me...

A private place for romantic meetings.

That's why Mr. Dunstan
keeps this apartment.

You have my confession.

Well, I certainly understand, Colonel.

Except, I must admit I'm a bit confused.
I thought somewhere...

Bear with me, sir.

Right. Here it is.

Don't you have a lovely home
in Sherman Oaks, sir?

Lieutenant, we all know
there are moments when...

it's more discreet not to be at home.

Ah, right, Colonel, more discreet.

Well, that certainly explains that.

But then,

you're not a married man, are you, sir?

Why would you worry
about being discreet?

No, I'm not married, but the lady...

Ah, of course.
It's really none of my business.

And she'll be along any minute.

I know exactly what you're thinking, sir.

You're wondering why I came looking for
Mr. Dunstan in the first place.

Just too polite to ask.

It's the victim, sir, Mr. Keegan.
Here, I'll show you.

I found Mr. Dunstan's name
and address...

in Mr. Keegan's... Oh, here it is.

Yes, in Mr. Keegan's quarters.

Did you know that Mr. Keegan
knew about this apartment?

No, as a matter of fact I didn't know.
Lieutenant, I don't mean to rush you.

You didn't know and he knew?
Well, how did he find out?

Sir, do you think he could
have been following you?

I can't imagine that Lester
would be following me.

Lieutenant, don't you think that you're
intruding a little more deeply...

on my personal life
than the situation warrants?

Well, sir,
we hate to intrude like this,

but now we have to consider
Mr. Keegan's flashlight.

His flashlight?

His flashlight, sir.

The night Mr. Keegan died.

Do you see the problem?

To the window.

You see where we found the flashlight?

Underneath this lip of rock, sir,

like an anvil
hanging over the flashlight.

Now, how did the flashlight end up
under that rock like that?

The explosion...

Uh, we'll see if I can
make this clear, sir.

This is the explosive pit.

Now, the explosion couldn't
have blown it over here.

This is the rock, sir.
And this is the lip.

How did the flashlight end up
here underneath the lip?

How did it get there?

Your point seems
a bit strained, Lieutenant.

Well, sir, flashlights,

they don't go flying around
all by themselves.

Not dirt and leaves
under Mr. Keegan's collar,

and not flashlights.

That's why we did a second autopsy.

Lieutenant, you seemed quite certain
all of this was an accident.

Well, sir, nobody wanted it
to be an accident more than me.

Murder?

You wouldn't even wanna think about
the amount of paperwork for murder.

Murder?

Well, it certainly was a murder, sir.

The second autopsy.

We found a knife wound
in Mr. Keegan's heart,

where he was stabbed.

I'm sorry, sir.
We have to face that now.

I see.

It all seems so inconceivable.

Poor Lester stabbed to death
while I enjoyed myself with the General.

So many violent men
in the camp that night.

Well, we'll just have to leave
all these things...

in your capable hands, Lieutenant.

Good luck with your paperwork.

We'll just have to manage, sir.

I'm sure you have a lot of
other things to think about.

Oh, Colonel, would you mind
if I used your washroom?

Lieutenant,
I do have an engagement.

I'll just be a minute, sir.

Is there anything else
I can do for you, Lieutenant?

No. No, sir.
I can't think of a thing.

No, I'll be running along.

We'll be talking again soon, Colonel.

I'm sure we will.

Try and have a pleasant afternoon.

Right then it was touch and go.

Colonel Brailie would have settled
for the soldiers without the books.

But the books without the soldiers?
There goes the big surprise.

Well, it sounds like
a remarkable evening.

And this is certainly
a remarkable sherry.

The General's best, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo?

Ma'am.

I see Warren's been taking care of you.

Even telling me stories, ma'am.

Come and join me over here.

May I pour you a cup of tea,
Lieutenant?

Well, if it's all the same, Mrs. Padget,
I'll just enjoy my sherry.

Please do.

I'll only take up a minute of your time,
ma'am, on my way to visit your husband.

Well, this is very nice.

When a policeman comes calling,
I'm sure it can't be all that nice.

Mr. Keegan's accident,
the Sergeant Major,

he was murdered, ma'am.
We know that now for a fact.

That's a very brutal fact, Lieutenant.

This sherry is delicious, ma'am.

Even the glass is beautiful.

You see the glass,
the four frosted stars?

It's like all that crystal over there
in that cabinet, for a four-star general.

They were a gift from the Army.

I saw a glass like this
earlier today, Mrs. Padget,

in an apartment kept by Frank Brailie,

for what you might call
intimate occasions.

With a woman.
He was expecting her.

A married woman.

Am I to understand that you're implying
some insulting connection...

between me and a wine glass
and some love nest of Frank Brailie's?

Well, four stars,
that's very unusual, ma'am.

Like... You'll forgive me.

Like special wine glasses that a woman
brings to a furnished apartment.

You'll forgive me, Lieutenant.

On any number of occasions...

Frank Brailie could have taken
those glasses from my home.

He could have borrowed them,
stolen them, treated them as a gift.

I have no intention of continuing
this offensive inquisition.

Don't make me stop you, ma'am.

If you'll look at this, please.

It's one of those
traveling toothbrushes...

from Mr. Brailie's bathroom
in the apartment.

And the fingerprints, Mrs. Padget...

Everybody's fingerprints
are on file, most everybody.

Would you want me to say
whose fingerprints we found on this?

No.

That won't be necessary.

Why, in the name of God,
are you doing this?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

There'll just be a few more questions.

Were you aware that Mr. Keegan knew
about the secret apartment?

No.

Nobody knew.

Mr. Keegan knew.

And now he's dead.

What I need, ma'am...

Was there anything else,

any other kind of secret
he might have known?

Maybe about the Foundation?

The Special Projects report?
Anything you could help me with.

No.

My husband was interested in
the Special Projects report.

That's all I know.

Well, that's it then, ma'am.

I'll just take this way
to the pool house.

Lieutenant.

When you speak with my husband,

will you find it necessary
to mention any of this?

No, ma'am.

Good night, ma'am.

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.

Come on in.

Lieutenant.
I'll be with you in a moment.

You just carry on, sir.

The French have a saying, Lieutenant.

"The older you get,
the worse things are."

Self-pitying nonsense.

But at my age, I find myself writing
too many letters of condolences to...

the bereaved widows
of clam-brained generals...

I never cared for in the first place.

I suppose that makes me a hypocrite.

That's another word for good manners.

What news have you brought me?

Well, it's about Mr. Keegan, sir.

Anything about
the Special Projects report?

No, nothing like that, General.
No sign of anything like that.

But that brings up the subject
of your own feelings, sir,

your interest in this report.

A place like the Foundation.

There must be plenty of
reports you never get to read.

Maybe you can tell me what's so special
about the Special Projects report.

And if I choose
not to answer your question?

Well, sir,
it's a policeman's question.

We expect to get our answers.

The Special Projects Fund
is discretionary,

and I wasn't aware of that until recently.

When you deal with
other people's discretion,

that leaves a hole
for the devil to pop up.

And I think perhaps
he's already poked his nose out.

Do you mind if I took a look
at this, sir?

Well, it's hardly necessary
for an accident investigation.

Well, General, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

but it's not an accident anymore.

Your friend Mr. Keegan...

We now know that
Mr. Keegan was murdered.

Murdered?

A murder.

That's a completely
different kind of investigation.

And there'll be more questions.

I don't know why you're
telling me these things.

That's police business.

All police business.

I can't help you.

There's nothing I can do.

It's terrible. Terrible.

I understand, sir.
We'll talk another time.

Yes, yes, please.

Good night, General.

Who is it? Who's there?

Jack?

Oh, Jenny, good.

I wanna talk to you.

I wanna talk to you, too.

I saw Lieutenant Columbo.

He told you about
all this awful murder business?

Yes.

And some other things
from his investigation.

The things we have to talk about.

This is of no concern...

Please, Jack, don't look at me.
Not yet.

Lieutenant Columbo knows
what I have to tell you now...

about someone in my life.

A relationship I swore
you'd never know about.

A man...

I could never care for
the way we care for each other.

Jenny, you're a young woman.

Strong, lovely,

full of needs
that I can't provide for you.

Do you really believe that I...

haven't made any allowances for that?

– I never wanted to hurt you, Jack.
– Shh.

You've been
the most loving companion that...

I ever could have been blessed with.

And for the rest of it,
I want to thank you for your discretion.

And now if you need to tell me
who, when, where, I beg of you.

Don't.

With all my heart, don't.

Please, Jenny, I couldn't bear it.

You the investigating officer?

Yes, sir. Lieutenant Columbo.

Marty Tanzer.

Just wanna wish you the best of luck.

You're the only one here
who wished me good luck, sir.

Any particular reason?

Keegan was an old friend.

May I ask when you saw him last?

Seven years ago.
Since I've been in Washington.

Seven years.
Well, thank you very much, Sergeant.

Seven years,
except for the phone calls.

Any recent calls?

The last one on the morning
of the day he died.

Phone calls about what, Sergeant?

I can't say.

You can't say?

Classified.

Mr. Keegan told you
something classified?

I told him.

Military intelligence.

Right.

Military intelligence.

Can you tell me?

Can't.

The police. I'm the police.
You can tell the police.

I can't talk about it.

If you ever see your way clear
to talk about it, give me a call.

How about now?

I've got them in my hand, Colonel.

Yes, sir. In the shredder.

Okay, and I'll give
the lieutenant your message.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant. Colonel Brailie
won't be available for the rest of the day.

Ah.

Well, that's too bad, ma'am.

These fortune-telling sticks.
I gotta have a lot of help.

This one here, ma'am.
This is either a Wei,

which means a father
is having trouble with his son,

or it's a Kun, which means
a young fox just crossed the river.

I'm not too sure about the Kun part.

And then there's all this about Yin Yang.
What's a Yin Yang?

No, it's yin and yang,
Lieutenant.

I think it's the tension
between opposites.

Like black and white, light and dark.

Sweet and sour.

Hot and...

Is this a Special Projects report,
Lieutenant?

Yes, ma'am. I'm reading that.

Did that come from Colonel Brailie?

Oh, yes, yes.
Definitely from Colonel Brailie.

Did he give you
the old report or the new report?

Well, that's hard to say, ma'am.
What do you think?

Well, the old report was
in the red holder.

So the red letters on the gray cover
must be the old report.

Unless it was the gray cover
in the green holder.

That would have to be the new report.

Or maybe it was vice versa.

Unless it was the other way around,

in which case, this would go here.

Well, this is the red cover
in the red holder, ma'am.

Otherwise, it'd be opposite,
like yin and yang.

Please, Lieutenant,
don't get me confused.

Now, let me have the red holder.

You're not supposed
to have the red holder, anyway.

The gray cover with the red letters goes
with the new report in the green holder,

and that's in here.

If the green holder had a report
with a green cover,

we'd know exactly
where we are. I think.

So this report also goes
with the green holder.

Now, the red holder has the red cover
with the black letters in...

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?

Good evening, Colonel.
The general will be pleased to see you.

Is he in the pool house?

No, sir. I'll tell him that you're here.

Thank you for coming.

My pleasure, sir.

You got the wrong report.

This is the one
you weren't supposed to see.

Is that all you can say?

We try to protect you
from these things, Jack.

Your Special Projects?

Here and there.

Africa.

Illegal gun running!

Foundation funds.

Arms transfers.

That's what our beloved sponsors
really hope they're buying.

Just a little blood.
Don't you know that?

Secret little excursions beyond the law.

Secret guns for secret friends,
in the interest of our country.

You thieving bastard!

Spinning your foreign bank accounts.
A dollar for guns, a dollar for you,

all wrapped up
in the Foundation flag!

A thing like that, Jack,
if it ever comes out,

even General Padget
could get chewed up in the machine.

A co-conspirator or an inept fool.

Any preference?

Just one.

To see you in prison.
Any price, any cost.

You go to hell.

General, you'll do what you have to do.

In the end you'll beg me
to take back that report.

For Jenny's sake.

Jenny?

Do you really want me to admit
how many times she's made love to me?

How many afternoons
in our own apartment?

In our own bed?

The devil's in the details, Jack.

Shocked people love shocking details.

What we said to each other,

what we did for each other.

If you open up
the Special Projects Fund,

well, that doesn't give me much to lose.

What you lose, what Jenny loses...

Well, that's up to you, sir, isn't it?

Jack.

Advise him, Jenny.

– I think you would want this back.
– Don't!

Whatever he says.

I won't have any further need for it.

And copies, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo's copy
is on my desk.

Thank you for understanding.

Perhaps you'd be good enough to...

fix me a cup of chocolate.
You know how I like it.

Colonel Brailie.

I was hoping we'd run into
each other again, and here you are, sir.

I see you've found the I Ching stick.

Is that the Kui symbol, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant, it appears to be a Kui.

Well, the I Ching book,
it was very baffling about the Kui.

Something about a culprit
who walks on his toes,

because the police are looking for him.

Why would he walk on his toes?

Why would the police
be looking for him?

I think it's a kind of warning.

Like the shrunken head, sir.

Yes, Lieutenant,
much like a shrunken head.

Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind.

I'm sure this is what
you came here for, Colonel.

Your Special Projects report.

And I know that you're anxious
to be on your way, so good night, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

All the things in that report,

the arms and all,
and the foreign bank accounts,

Mr. Keegan, he never saw the report,

but he did know about those things, sir.

Do you think
that's why he was murdered?

What do you think, Lieutenant?

Well, sir, the way I see it,

there's Mr. Keegan
getting telephone calls...

from an intelligence friend
in Washington about the Foundation,

and about the guns to Africa.

And Mr. Keegan, he needs a new job,

and I have to consider
that maybe Mr. Keegan...

The best job he could find would be
in the blackmail business.

Somebody at the Foundation.

And the blackmail, that would
be the motive for the murder.

Would you agree with me
on that one, sir?

A possibility.

Unless you're implying
I was the target of Keegan's blackmail.

Oh, no, sir.
I'm implying more than that.

I'm implying
that you murdered the man.

Then I'd better walk
on my toes, Lieutenant.

I was here when Lester
was murdered, remember?

I spent the evening setting up all this.
Hardly a trifle.

Oh, I can see that, sir.
Hours of work.

And right there.

That's where you got me beat.

Your alibi, sir. It's a perfect alibi.

How can I even begin to make a case
with an alibi like that?

I'm glad you agree.

You know, Colonel,

the way we always agree
with one another,

that's amazing,

considering the fact
that we really don't like one another.

Would you agree with me on that?

I think I'd have to agree.

You see? We agree again.

What would you say about this, sir?

I'd say it looks like a toy soldier.

I found him.

You wanna know where?

If you like.

Right here, sir,
is where I found him.

The day after the murder.
Behind the Civil War books,

by this bookend.

Do you see where I found him, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant. I see exactly.

Well, that's very confusing.
That's puzzling, sir.

Right away, I don't know
what to make of it.

According to the General's orderly,
the carton of books came in the morning,

and the soldiers were
delivered at night. Am I right?

Right you are, Lieutenant.

Then if the books came first,

how did the soldier end up
behind the books?

Ah, I sense a trap.

Maybe a woman sitting on a well, sir.

Lieutenant, I used this shelf...

to group my soldiers.

I didn't put the books there
until all this was done.

One errant soldier got left behind.

This one.

Well, that would explain him, sir.

But then there's all these books.

You see?

All these Civil War books
that you ordered for the General.

I'm perfectly aware
of the Civil War books, Lieutenant.

Do you plan to borrow them?

No, no, no, sir.
No, nothing like that.

Would you give me a hand, sir?

Since you insist.
The books in the box.

Well, there it is again, sir.
Interesting.

You see how interesting that is, sir?

The books?

And the carton. It won't close.

There's too many books for the carton.

Well, obviously there's
a proper way to pack the books.

Well, sir, no matter
how many times I tried to pack 'em,

it always came out the same.
That's because that box...

That's a two-cubic-foot box.
I measured that.

And the books,

I measured those at 2.9 cubic feet.

You see that, Colonel Brailie?

2.9 cubic feet of books.

How could they fit into
a two-cubic-foot box?

Well, they can't.
I don't care how you figure it.

Metric, liters, kilograms,
whatever.

But that box...

This carton marked
"Military Miniatures,"

that'd be toy soldiers, sir.

Don't patronize me, Lieutenant.

This box, sir,
this is a 3.1-cubic-foot box.

You see that?
It says it right there, sir.

And the MacAdam booksellers,

they sent me another
complete set of books,

just like those in that box there.
Exactly the same.

And there they are.

But the books,
they can't fit in this box, sir.

That's a scientific fact.

And from this scientific fact,
you deduce...

Well, I would have to say,
sir, that the books...

The night Mr. Keegan was murdered,

the books were delivered here
in the evening...

in that box marked "soldiers,"

and this box,
the one marked "books,"

the box you opened
in the morning, sir?

I'd say this box had
to have the soldiers.

So that you could set them
all up here ahead of time,

for the charge up Cemetery Hill.

And that evening
you went to the training camp,

and you murdered Mr. Keegan
without an alibi, Colonel.

You murdered him with no alibi at all,

unless the jurors manage
to pack all those books in that box.

Do you think
they could ever do that, sir?

I expect they'll have difficulty,
Lieutenant.

I seem to have misjudged myself.

And you.

I'm curious. When did you suspect me?

Well, as long as you ask, sir,

that first day in Mr. Keegan's quarters,

when I found you scrubbing
my mud off the floor,

I thought that was peculiar
for someone as arrogant as you are,

if you'll excuse me, sir.

Oh, there's still one more thing.

Our lost soldier.

Where do you think we should put him?

It hardly makes any difference
to the battle, Lieutenant.

It already seems to be lost.

Well, sir, this one's
on the side that won.

Did I read your rights, Colonel?
I think I forgot to read your rights.

I have the card somewhere.
I know it's here. In this pocket.

No, the other pocket.

Gee, maybe I forgot to bring it again.

No, here it is.