Original subtitles

[siren blares in the distance]

[car horn honks]

[man] What are you doing on the curb? Shouldn't you be in college?

I was waiting for you to drive me to your house

to play with all my tight holes.

[sighs]

But why are you just waiting on the curb and how did you know that he'd be there?

First thing.

I even got a daughter that looks like you.

Okay, well, that's just 100 percent disgustingness, isn't it?

My feelings are so intense.

"Feelings are so intense"?

You just met him now you go and get feelings?

My mum is away for, like, the first night

since I was, like, born, and this is what-- [tuts] Nah, man,

I can't watch this stuff no more, you know.

Because one day I was like, "Rah, hold on.

If there's a camera that close to her face, she must know it's there.

Hold on, what does this mean?

There's some kinda acting or something."

And from time I realise that, yeah, me and my pillow are losing interest.

See, my mind, yeah, is woke,

I don't even think they're actually having sex,

it's some kinda motion graphics or something.

And it's good it's fake, yeah, 'cause she ain't even ugly,

she looks like that blonde chick from Homeland,

why is she messing with this tired and retired brokeback, man?

[tuts] Trust me, this more comedy than sex.

[moaning on laptop]

Cynthia, get out!

[theme music plays]

I'm going to meet Aaron's parents tomorrow.

Oh, road trip, cool, what time?

-Train's tomorrow at one. -Oh, no, no, I can't make one, you know,

I got a shift in the shop. I can't make one.

Oh, uh, damn. I guess it's all right, 'cause you're not invited so...

-Wow, okay. -[video game sounds]

So, I been there for the whole of this relationship--

-Tracey-- -No, no, I've been the rock

-in the middle of this whole shebang. -Tracey, man, chill.

Now you're telling me I can't meet the parents? And Aaron!

Next time. It's just, for now, three's a bit of a crowd.

Yes. Yeah, we are the three.

-Yeah, but it's a bit of a crowd, babe. -A bit crowdy.

Ah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean.

[video game sounds]

Ba! Ba! Ba! Ba! I won.

[Cynthia] The sexual liberation planner, here we go.

Smell nice, be relaxed, be commercially attractive,

safe alcohol abuse.

Dear God, I pray you send me a man with whom

I have a connection, who will release the virginity

from my thighs and thus I will be liberated.

Amen.

[Ola] ♪ Every day is payday, swipe my card and go on... ♪

[Ola and Tracey] ♪ Holiday ♪

[Aaron] Oh, no!

No fucking way! You need to tell them they're not coming.

[Aaron] I can't, they're here.

Why do you always have to go on like your balls ain't dropped yet?

That's how girlfriends keep their boyfriends these days, yeah?

I don't want a boyfriend. I'm a woman, Aaron, I need a man.

So, guys, you said three was a bit of a crowd,

-so, I hollered at Ola. -[both] Yeah?

So, now, we're a proper crowd!

♪ Italy 2013, Italy 2013 ♪

What are you doing?

Well, I've heard people chant all sorts of places and years,

why can't I do my own?

It's holidays.

It's when they're gonna go on... Do ya know what, don't worry.

[gasps] Is your mum gonna make apple crumble? You said she cooks.

It must be weird, living with your mum and dad.

[gasps] The train! The train is moving!

♪ The train, the train, the train is moving ♪

♪ Choo-choo, the train, choo-choo ♪

Road trip!

[Cynthia] Okay, becoming sexual.

Make sure you lubricate the finger, slash fingers.

[air escapes]

[laughs]

-Where's Ola? -I haven't seen him since he went toilet.

Ola!

That's them. That's them. Aaron, Tracey, Candice,

Mark and Ian are my new friends. Ian is in a wheelchair.

It's so nice to meet you, man.

I mean, I don't usually like other browns.

-So, you're here for one night only? -Mm-hm. One night only.

Aw, well, where are you staying? We're on Grace Road, are you near?

It's like two minutes from mine but I don't think you should go off with them.

Look, it's not easy for us as minorities, we stick together.

Oh!

Yes, black people, I'm a member of many private minority groups,

black, gay, the working classes, Irish.

So amazing. Come on then.

Apple crumble! [laughs]

Where to find a man...

You lost?

Yes, I've walked too far from home.

What's the road?

Clayville Street, Pensbourne Estate.

Would you like to take me there?

Pensbourne Estate's just round the corner.

Well then, let's go. You should lead though, I'll follow.

[doorbell ringing]

[Tracey] Aaron, you never told me your mum and dad was living like Drake.

-[Aaron] Yeah, well, they are. -[phone beeps]

Mum's just text me, she sent, "Sorry."

What the fuck?

Oh, Aaron, your mum's left me, for good. [chuckles]

Come on, come on, man.

-Well, I like games, board games, and-- -Why you telling me this?

Because you should've asked already.

And as my sister, Tracey, will be back tomorrow,

I don't want to waste any time, that's all.

Is this, like, a set up?

No, you're the one that brought me here.

I'd like a cup of wine, please.

It's your house.

Oh, that's true, there's a bottle and two cups on the hatch.

If you'd just like to-- Thank you.

I hope you're having as good a time as I am.

♪ Magaluf 2014, Magaluf 2015, Magaluf 2013 ♪

[both] ♪ Magaluf 2014, Magaluf 2012, Magaluf 2014 ♪

Okay, that's enough.

Okay, I'm ready.

For what?

To fuck.

[Marlon burps]

All right, come on. Do what your best at, clear up.

A beer?

-[moans] -Are you preeing Aaron's dad?

Eurgh, no! He's an old man,

he's probably got a drip hidden in his... muscular bum.

Don't fuck with me, y'know,

I'm tryin' to put some respect on my fucking name.

Listen to me.

I have never seen an elderly man with a booty like that, okay?

Let me observe. Let me catch the gist.

Why has there gotta be sexual feelings involved?

What's all the noise?

We were just saying how lovely your house is

and how welcoming you've been.

That's a lot of shite, isn't it?

[bottle top clatters]

-[exhales] -No.

-[laughing] -You know girls like this.

[impersonating girl] Hi, I'm Clarissa.

Oh, my gosh! You're gay?

-[laughs] -Well then, hey, girl!

I'm still a man.

Ooh, you're gay and black, tell me your coming out story.

It must've been horrible.

-[groans] -You're so cringe.

[phone beeps]

Uh… Derrick's at Freedom's.

He's bored. Ha! I can fuckin' tell. Derrick, look at you.

-I really wanna kiss you. -[Mark] We're in the country!

Ola, say hi. Snapchat!

Ah, you missed it.

Ian, you look tired. Well, this has been fun.

You don't need a cab or something, do ya? It's just round the corner, isn't it?

Yeah, just gonna pop to the shop and get some more wine.

Text me your Snapchat, and we'll keep in touch, yeah?

I wanna slap my face with it.

Yes, so, I would really appreciate it if that happened.

-Come here. -Okay.

No. No, no, no, we can't, he's been so nice to me. No.

But it would be so--

Amazing, I know, I know.

[Mark] See you later, Ola, won't be long, Ian.

-[door closes] -How long do you think he'll take?

Well, shop's a very long walk away.

Thank you, Jesus.

[football plays on TV]

[Candice] Tracey!

Oh, Cand, come on, you've gotta admit, he's all right.

I'm not crazy, look, look at him.

Yes, just keep your eyes on the TV.

But, Candice, that's hard and I'm on holiday.

You've gotta admit he's all right, am I lying?

-Keep your eyes-- -Tell me I'm lying.

-He could be your dad. -No, he could be your dad.

My dad signed my birth certificate.

It's not ‘cause he's old. Yes, it is. He's a wasteman. Look at Connor,

I got a thing for wastemen, so what, leave me.

What, fucking Barnes reffing? One red card, a fucking hundred to go.

I forgot, you "don't do sports."

Actually, Dad, I've been bodybuilding and that.

What, like a gay?

What are you doing, drinking protein shakes?

Trying to drop that baby fat? [chuckles]

Try dropping your balls first, son.

[laughing]

Oh, my days, I just said that same thing today!

What you saying about my son?

Uh... No, no, I was just saying, you've brought him up--

Eh! Eh! I didn't bring him up, I more sorta dragged him,

but he didn't have any biceps and he lost his grip

and grazed his little boobies on the pavement.

-Didn't ya? Eh? Didn't ya? -Can you stop it, please?

Oh! Got some big man boots in London, have ya?

Now he's wearing 'em, but do they fit? Are you sure you're a big man, eh?

Come on. Come on. Use some force. That all you got?

What ya got in them triceps, eh, candy floss?

[Aaron] I said, stop!

[scoffs]

This is a great holiday. That was great. That was great.

[clapping]

[music plays]

Right, so, you wanna do sex? You're just gonna give it to me?

Well, I'm not giving it to you, we're sharing it.

This ain't a set up? There ain't no cameras here?

All right.

Oh, great, well, I broke my hymen in preparation,

so, I'll lie down...

and you...

At my pace, please.

Okay, and now just put it around my knicker area.

Okay, you may now enter the dome, with your penis.

Are you enjoying it?

Yeah, but if you keep talking, it's gonna go down.

Is it tight?

Okay, well, you can say stuff like that.

Is it tight?

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something, Mr Ryan, it's all a myth,

virgin tightness has been scientifically debunked.

Intercourse does not stretch the vagina.

Well, it does, but it just shrinks it down

to what it was before, so, that means if we do this again

we'll be having the exact same experience that we're having right now.

[moaning]

Are you having fun?

[Mark] Hey, Ian, I'm back.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus!

Don't worry!

[muffled talking]

[Marlon] Where did she put all the fucking snacks?

Right, well, I guess I've just gotta be honest.

I've never been round a man your age, so,

I don't what the pull is, but there's a pull and--

Oh, God, I'm getting nervous now. Yes, I totally fancy you.

I don't know how you feel you don't have to say--

No, actually, how do you feel?

-How do I feel? -How do you feel?

I'm hungry.

Me too-- [gasps] Oh, hungry, literally.

My feelings are so intense.

Right, Aaron, so, this is serious, is it?

Yeah, I love her.

Where you from, Candice? I guess some sorta council block?

What you done with your savings?

They're there. Why? What you implying?

Aaron, you got back up funds. How much? How much?

Are you spiritual? Do you have a degree, a job, anything?

A hundred? A thousand? More? More?

[Marlon] ‘Cause my assumption, right,

is that the answer to these questions are: no, no, and no.

At the end of the day, what are you doing to increase his points as a man?

He's now very angry and saying very crazy things.

It's amazing.

Listen, he don't give me shit. I'm the one that's working.

Even on a superficial level. Yeah, you got a face,

you're nice and light, but where's your bum?

That's significant!

Aaron, I told you, you want a girl to look like she's dying.

Anorexic here, morbidly obese here, and here.

Okay, well, I'd love to see your wife.

So would I. Slut.

Aaron, aren't you gonna do anything?

Men do things, boys do Buddha chants.

Oh, son, you gotta do some leg work, look at them chicken legs.

Chicken legs for a chicken.

Aaron, look, I know it's not gonna happen tonight,

because the atmosphere's a bit tense,

but can you guys do the wrestling thing again before you go--

Aaron? Aaron!

He knows I'm only playing with him.

Gotta be cruel to be kind to make a man.

-Well, let me know when that man is made. -[chuckles]

No, in all honesty, you're probably a lovely girl.

I hope he's taking good care of ya.

Thanks.

You look a little like her, you know?

-Ah, well-- -She were an ugly bitch.

[laughing]

Come on, you gotta be cruel to be kind to make a woman too.

Aaron ain't even learnt the easiest trick in the book.

Treat ‘em mean.

[Cynthia] How do you think this is going, Ryan?

-I'm gonna come! -I'm not coming at all.

I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!

-[moans] -[screams]

[laughing]

I did a big come.

My toes have gone all numb. [laughs]

Ooh! Do you mind if I give that a once over?

You're not supposed to let girls have your--

I need to check for holes, because I don't want children right now.

Oh, great, tidy, there's nothing there, shouldn't you have...

Then again, girls don't always squirt,

so, the same must be true for boys. Good work, Ryan.

[exhaling]

-Do you mind if I take a nap? -Why?

I just came, and also there's something very exhausting about you.

Okay, I guess, but you have to stay here in my sister's room.

Why we in your sister's room?

Well, I heard that sex sometimes smell,

and if there's an odour I want my mum to think it's her sex, not mine.

Anyway, goodnight.

Uh...

Oh, yes, I read that falling asleep together

can create an emotional attachment in women

and I have no desire to see you again, so, I'll sleep in my room.

-[banging on window] -[screams]

-[Ola] Tracey? -Ola?

[Ola] I've made a mistake.

[muffled talking]

Ola, are you off your rocket?

-Get me home get me the fuck home! -I was trying to save us!

Save, look at me, I am vulnerable!

Yeah, Ola, he's in a wheelchair.

Not the fucking wheelchair, my fucking clothes!

Ola, get this shit off of me.

I was stressed, he was going to catch us.

He knew! We knew!

-Eh? -He has a fantasy thing.

You came along and we saw an opportunity.

We were texting each other the whole time, since the train journey.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because it ruins the fun.

Okay, I can see you may have found it deceptive.

I can't say I'm offended.

No, it's, "I can't say I'm not offended."

No, I mean to say, I'm really not offended.

I mean, you know, let's go and discuss this in the cottage?

-Really? -Mm.

-Really? -Mm.

-You're gonna have sex. -Yeah.

-In the bum. -Mm-hm.

Candice, Ola's gone and got it-- Oh, God, sorry.

-Sorry, Aaron, sorry. -[Candice] Oh, fuck.

I thought mixed raced people were supposed to be more evolved,

supposed to be the smart ones. That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Tracey, can you not see he's everything I've been telling Aaron to be from time?

Just so you know, he made advances towards me as well,

but I rejected him.

You should have said you were hungry, Candice,

instead of eating my leftovers.

Why does everything always have to be about you?

Ah. Okay, got caught out, so now you're tryin' to beef, yeah?

Wash your bum crack, Candice, I can smell the guilt from here.

Oh, fuck off, man.

Not just Andrex wipe it, you need to wash it, bruv.

-This ain't your business, you know? -Yeah, I know, I'm gonna wait here.

-What for? -So you can tell Aaron in private.

[groans] Look, we didn't even kiss,

-it was just some lame dry hump ting. -Uh... Sorry, nah, you have to tell him.

Why?

'Cause unlike you, I don't wanna lie to Aaron, he's my friend too.

Do ya know what, I'm just gonna break up with him, it's easier.

Uh... Isn't he gonna ask why you're breaking up? Duh! You dodo head.

Maybe I might just run away like you.

You've got till 12:24 p.m. tomorrow to tell him or I will.

Why 12:24?

Because... I don't know, I'm not sure.

[tuts] Just go to bed.

I didn't even need to kick him out.

[gulps]

[phone alarm dings]

Aaron, what's the time?

12:24.

She knows I ain't gonna say nothing, she's my best mate.

[Marlon sighs]

Son, I'm sorry, yeah. Treating you like shit off my shoe, you're my son!

To be honest, Dad, it's Candice you should be apologising to.

I think we both took advantage of each other.

Took advantage?

Aaron, he's lying, what's the point in talking about it?

What do you mean, "He's lying"? He hasn't said owt. What's happened?

She got off with me, didn't she?

Aaron, look at me, look at me, baby, look at me.

-Candice, what's he on about? -I don't know, he's crazy, he's crazy.

I was with Tracey the whole night, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey!

-Well, that says it, don't it? -You fucking prick.

Just gonna, take five, guys, if that's all right?

-[sobs] -Baby, baby, it was hardly anything.

Things are getting tense in the Big Brother house.

Just in case you're still wondering if I'm still interested in you sexually...

[sobbing]

...I am.

-I'm a waster. -Mm, mm, mm, I like it.

It's part of it, you know, I left my number, there.

[sobs]

[sobs]

I'm sorry.

If you want me to be more like my dad, ask me directly, don't get off with him!

We didn't even kiss.

And I don't want you to be anything like him.

I want you to be you.

What about me, what if I want changes?

[Candice] Anything you want.

I wanna get married.

Well, we can't just do it now, there's no church.

You know what I mean, when we get back and that.

I'm never talking to him again.

[whispers] Ola, did you have sex... in the bum?

I can't even go back in there, I dunno what I'll do to him.

Just grab the bags and ignore him. Ignore him!

I can still feel it in my kidneys, right here, I can feel it.

What happened?

Basically, Aaron's dad told me he was in love with me,

but I told him I wasn't interested.

I'm sorry, Mummy! [sobs]

Can you come home? [mumbles]

[wails]

Sorry.

I don't deserve you, or anyone.

Don't talk to me please. Jesus!

I didn't take the piss, I used a condom.

I did, I promise.

Oh, fuck yourself then!

[both] ♪ Every day is payday Swipe my card and I go on holiday ♪

♪ It's my first holiday I want a Kanye and not a Ray Jay ♪

[theme music plays]