Original subtitles

[sighs] And, of course, dessert. Can't have dinner without dessert.

-You can. -What?

-It is possible to have dinner without-- -It's just a saying.

Yes, maybe she didn't know, that's why I'm saying it.

Oh! Mm. Tasty!

-Um... So, I'm just gonna wash up. -Don't be stupid, you're our guest.

No, I'm not being stupid. I've just gotta do the dishes.

Tracey's culture is African.

African, yes, yes. Yes, I know, you've said it.

-Tracey's African. -[Tracey clears throat]

[mouthing]

Okay, you two are doing that mysterious miming thing again.

Sorry, it's just habit, because... I have to go, but I don't wanna be rude.

I feel like the miming thing is way ruder, Trace.

Tracey.

Okay, look, let's be adult about this.

I mean, the three of us could actually be really great friends.

Cool. Well, guys! [chuckles]

High fives, up top. Go, team! Yeah, you too.

One, two, go, go, go, go, go, go away.

[theme music plays]

I will trust you, Lord!

Amen.

I believe in God, and God, he believes in me.

[announcer] God rocks!

Traumatizing. Honestly, how can you conduct a service

on the power of yoga and meditation?

-[preacher] Praise be to Jesus! -[audience applauds]

[hiccups]

-Hiccup. I had a hiccup. -What, you just had it that one time?

-Yeah. -Nah, there's no such thing.

You don't get a hiccup, you get the hiccups

or you get called "dumb", Cynthia.

And you get sexually transmitted infections.

-Excuse me? -Vaginitis.

-I've never even had that. -'Cause it's smelly and...

Look, you're dumb, you don't wash down there...

-[indistinct shouting] -Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Ey!

My mum's looking for another space to turn into a church.

At first I was like, "Mum, why can't you just sit in the pew,

you haven't even read the whole Bible." But I had to accept it.

My mum loves to lead. She just loves it.

And it's all about what you love, innit?

Right now, I am loving the idea of a dog.

Look, they don't care about your personality,

they don't care about your looks, and they will never abandon you,

as long as you don't run out of food. [squeals] Look!

Look at this one. Meep. Meep. Meep.

The one and only thing I will take

from that apparent church is loving nature.

They encourage that, to adore all God's creation,

not just each other.

To love the sky, the plants, the tigers, the cockroach.

Mummy, a dog, the dog. We can get a dog then?

No, no, no. But I will allow you now to go to the zoo.

You wouldn't have to take care of it, Mummy.

-I would do everything myself. -Nu-uh-uh.

You can't take care of yourself. How can you a dog?

-Mummy, please, can we have a-- -No dog!

-We already have a dog. Mm. -Oh, shut up! Shut up!

-Mummy, look. Please, please, please-- -If you open your mouth--

Yes, Tracey, stop barking. [barks]

Cynthia!

Ay!

Oh, these children! You can't even give me one minute's peace.

-[spits] -[squeals]

Sex is what the internet was made for,

and you want a dick, you want some sex, now that is free.

-Preach. -Well, all right, let's check it out.

3zup, 2zup, any up app, whatever, sign me up.

I'll prove to you that sex don't zap

from the screen to the scene for all of us.

Look, babe, if you're unlucky with guys, you're unlucky with guys.

Oi! I get men, just I get men in reality.

The internet is fickle. You base a whole person on a 2D--

No, no, enough of the fucking politics. Here, download it, let's do it.

Esther's right. Esther's always right, Mandy.

Nan, your phone's like from caveman times.

Oi, Nan, I've already proved it. Look at this site, yeah?

Loan-A-Pup.com.

Dog owners, they need babysitters to look after their dogs,

because they've got rich people things to do

and no real friends to help them, and I'm gonna do it.

What?

Trace, no one's gonna trust you with a dog.

-Is it? -Have you ever even owned a dog?

Is it?

Nan, it's done. See if anyone swipes ya.

Anyone? This face would give you a fuckin' run for your money.

-Ooh! -[all laugh]

[music plays]

[preacher] I will trust you, Lord.

-Amen! -[crowd] Amen!

-[video stops] -Pause.

C-T-R-L, screenshot.

Oh, my God!

-I'm gay. -[screams]

Ronald!

Nina, Sunny, Clara, Rebel, Fenton, Tigger.

There's two Tiggers.

Look, all these people want to borrow me their dogs.

Or want me to borrow their... No, it doesn't matter,

because now I can be selective.

You know, what colour do I want? What size do I want?

[man on phone] I wanna show you a good time.

[laughs] I'll bet you do, cheeky sod.

Talk about foreplay, I haven't even met ya.

[man] Well then, let's meet.

That didn't take long, did it?

Well, I dunno... I've never done this sort of thing before.

-No, sorry, unfortunately-- -[man] Nor have I.

You're my first. There we go, both virgins.

I ain't no virgin.

[laughs]

[man] Such a sexy voice.

Look, I'm staying at a hotel that's apparently a kilometre away from you.

Why don't we have lunch there?

-Okay. -Yes!

[man] All right, Candice, I'll text you the details. See you then.

[laughs]

He called you Candice.

-No, he never. -He did.

Mm.

-Whose Facebook was signed on? -It said, "Authorize through Facebook",

not "Authorize through Esther's Facebook."

It's all right, it's not even a clear picture.

Just put a brown wig on, he won't know the difference.

Are you completely mad?

I'm three times this bitch's age.

Trust me, Candice does makeup, I'm all about looking younger.

Ola's gay, it's sorted.

What have you got to lose, apart from a man ya fancy,

if you say no?

-[clattering] -[dog barks]

Oh, hello.

[dog barks]

He's in season.

Nah, I'm out.

Rah! Your house is banging! What's your name again?

-Lance, and you're Tracey. -Cheese and bread, this place is amazing.

What's your job? Do you need help?

Um... I'm a photographer, these are all mine.

You took all these pictures?

Rah! I mean, Lance, it's a lot.

Oh, yes, and this is Orlando.

[Tracey] Oh, hello, Orlando!

He's so cute.

No, no, no, no, no, no, come on. Sorry about that.

-Sorry about that. -Yeah.

How come you don't have any pictures of Orlando?

Oh, you know, just can't get him to stay still

-in front of the camera. -Oh, that's a shame.

It's a shame. It is a shame.

You know, I like it, I like him, I like you.

-Oh! -What do I need to know?

Well, he's just been fed,

so he won't need feeding again for another six hours.

Erm... Now, he's a very friendly dog, but he will bark at other dogs,

so you make sure you hold on to that leash nice and tight.

Oh, yes, sir. [chuckles]

Oh, yes, this... This is Noah. It's his favourite toy.

-So you just give this a little squeeze... -[Noah squeaks]

[chuckles] No matter what's going on, he'll run straight to you.

Ah. It's a very, very powerful toy, Lance.

Noah is the power, Tracey.

[laughing]

Like you. Okay.

-Bye. -Bye-bye.

Come on, Orlando, my new friend.

What kind of God would create rules?

Not the God that we serve.

What kind of God would love one of his creations and not the other?

Hating you if you're bad, loving you if you're good?

The God of The Bible.

That is a mother fuckin' shit kinda God, am I right?

[cheering and applause]

We're all going to Heaven.

But whilst we're here on Earth, let's listen to our hearts...

and let's chase our dreams.

[cheering and applause]

Amen! Amen!

You are preaching blasphemy and I will have the blood

of this entire church on my hands if I do not speak!

Please, sister, do. We encourage an open dialogue here.

What you encourage is sin. You are a liar!

You have to do good things and not sin to get to Heaven.

I used to be like you.

First, your legs wide open, and then arms,

no to both, thank you.

And if you're pregnant before you're married,

you should be sat at the back,

not over there with God, because my-- [sobs]

It's okay, Cynthia, it's all right. Come on, come with me, it's all right.

[sobbing]

[applause]

[preacher] Amen, brother.

Amen.

Good boy, aren't you good?

Did you have a nice time in the park?

Maybe I'll give you a little, little treat, huh?

Why do I know that bloody dog?

My dog is not bloody, this dog don't have no period.

And second of all, all dogs look like this, Mandy.

Have you not noticed, though, Orlando and me, we're the same colour.

Exactly the same colour. He's basically like my son.

This is gonna drive me mad.

-Where do I know ya from? -Hey, stop scaring Orlando.

-It's a fucking dog, get over yourself. -No, I won't.

-All right, that'll do. Mm-hm. -That'll do?

You better have me looking glitz and glamour

or I will knock your lights out.

All right, Nan, finishing touches.

-Okay, Ola, mirror. -Are you sure?

Show me the fucking mirror.

-Oh, quite nice. -[Mandy] Yeah?

No, I look fucking awful! I look like a fucking gypsy princess.

What have you done?

I'm questioning our friendship, Mandy, I really am.

Nan, you look great. We're practically twins.

Well, he said he'd have a blue handkerchief,

what am I supposed to tell him?

"Look out for the council estate drag queen"?

Stop staring at him!

Oh, come on, let's get away from this nasty lady.

Mandy, stop it!

I was a complete shambles on our wedding day.

I tore the whole marquee to pieces.

[screams]

I threw The Bible on the floor.

Joy must have had a lot of cleaning up to do after that.

-I'm sorry. -I came here for some kind of closure,

but I didn't know that until this conversation.

I've been kind of struggling with my sexuality.

You're a lesbian?

No, I'm struggling with my sexuality.

What other kind of struggle is worth talking about?

Being a virgin, not wanting to be a virgin,

not knowing why I can't just meet someone and...

But things are a little bit clearer now you've apologized.

-I didn't apologize. -You said "sorry".

For tearing down the marquee.

-No, Ronald. -Let me articulate this truthfully.

I'm sorry that I put your mother through the cardio

of tidying up the shattered marquee,

when cardio is clearly not a thing she's familiar with,

due to being morbidly obese and unable to step foot in a gym,

as she'd be an eye sore there.

I believe and know... that you owe me an apology.

I love you as my sister in Christ, but how could I feel sorry?

Your life is of no importance to me, it's impossible to feel sorriness.

But thank you, you were a footnote, I suppose, in my journey...

-[door opens] -...toward being a full-on homo.

I won't be long, honey.

Cynthia, this is my boyfriend, Cleveland.

Are you feeling any better?

Enough. Enough talking.

-[chuckles] -Me, enough? You, enough.

-I love you. -Excellent.

Sorry, where were we?

That's him, that's Bobby.

God, he'd be worth a fuck-and-a-half.

You go, I'll be fine.

Nan?

What the actual fuck?

Oh, yeah, I know, right? I told her that it's totes inapropes, yeah?

-Here we are, madam. -Candice, lovely to meet ya.

Oh, yes, lovely to meet you, too. [chuckles]

-It's your menu, sir. -Thank you.

[Tracey] I took him to the street, I took him to the park,

I fed him-- Oh, I let him feed me. And I got him doing bare tricks, you know,

just like that, bare tricks. I let him meet all my friends.

Yeah, I even let him lick my face.

Like, I didn't think I would ever let him do that, ever.

Oh, well, it's not for everyone, I suppose.

[Tracey squeals] No!

Do you mind?

It's just that I think you might be his muse.

-Shall we, um... Yeah? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -Okay.

Yeah, now you come and stand next to me.

You might be able to get him to stay in front of the camera.

Yeah, I probably could, to be fair. It's like me and this guy go way back.

-Yeah. -What do I do, just tell him to stay?

-Yeah. -Yo, stay, stay.

-[camera shutter clicks] -Stay, stay.

-Stay, stay, stay. -[camera shutter clicks]

See, look, look, he's proper staying.

-Yeah, yeah. -Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay.

Oh, look, look at that. That is superb.

Do you want some with him?

Er... Yeah!

[laughing]

That's it. Arm up. Yes. Yep. Now smile.

-[camera shutter clicks] -Yes!

-[Bobby] I'm having a lovely time. -Me, too.

I don't know what to have. What are you having, Bobby?

Tell you what, Candice, you choose for me.

-Are you ready to order? -Just give me one more moment.

I think we'll have a tomato and mozzarella salad for two.

-Perfect. Perfect. -That's great.

Thank you very much.

[menu rustles]

[mouths]

[chuckles awkwardly]

You're gorgeous, you know?

Really?

Yeah, just like I imagined you'd be.

Thanks.

[Lance] Yes, yes.

-Uh-huh. -[Tracey gasps]

These lights are a mad ting, Lance.

Yeah, you are sweating.

Ooh. No wonder he don't stay in front of the camera, it's too hot.

Yeah, it's ruining the shots.

Sorry, I'm boiling. I'm gonna take this off.

Yeah, let's just do underwear.

Do underwear?

As in, that's what I wear while you proceed to take these pictures?

[scoffs] Mate.

No, wait, wait, I mean, I'm gay.

-Real talk? -Mm-hm.

Now, I thought me and you had like a... Okay, cool. Shame. Underwear it is.

Underwear. [chuckles]

Orlando, see, "Oral", "Oral-ando". I knew I knew that dog.

-[moaning on laptop] -[groans]

-Mandy! -What? I've seen worse.

[groaning]

[camera shutter clicks]

Drop the mask, Tracey.

All right, now look, you are a beautiful girl,

don't be afraid of your own sexiness just 'cause Orlando is there.

Now, look, I dare you to relax.

Dare you to free yourself.

That's it, yeah.

-[camera shutter clicks] -That's it.

Yeah, now, look, why don't you just let him get in there...

just a little? Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Um... I'm gonna... I'm gonna put my clothes on now.

Hmm?

-I'm gonna put my clothes on now. -[sighs]

Is...

-Is that legal? -No, but what is?

I mean, one day the government will legalize it

just so they can steal all the profit out of it,

and until they do I will continue living my life like this.

Big market on the fetish scene for it.

It can be a bit hit and miss with Loan-A-Pup girls,

but you know what? I like the authenticity...

[Lance] Fuck! Orlando! Tracey!

Just 'cause he drinks water from the toilet bowl,

and he eats food from the floor, and he doesn't mind putting his nose

up another dog's bum-bum, it doesn't mean you can make him do that.

You know, I just think, it's a sad, sad world.

If you're gonna sit here, stop whining.

[Cynthia] You're not leaving until you apologize.

-Get out of my way. -You haven't changed.

If you're trying to provoke me to touch you,

-I'm afraid I won't. -You can't stop hurting people.

I'm surprised they don't despise you.

Oh, they do. I sleep with Cleveland, Sam,

John, Paul, and Gaultier.

But it's not biblical to judge or hate.

Furthermore, no one will tell Cleveland. I'll do as I please.

Yes, you do as you please, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

That's where you're wrong, that's where you're...

you're... You're too close.

The sin is not having sex.

The sin is hurting people.

I can... I can do what I want.

I could wear short skirts, I can kiss someone,

as long as I'm not causing pain. [whispers] Oh, my God.

But a kiss from a gorilla is surely painful to anyone, Cynthzilla.

Get out of my life.

[mutters silently]

Hi, Cynthia.

Cleveland... So, how did you and Ronald find love?

Come on, you deserve to know the truth.

Can you just give me two seconds?

-Ooh, I could do with a top up. -Yeah, the service in here, honestly.

-[snaps fingers] -Is everything okay, sir?

Yeah, can we get the lady a top up?

I like you, you're demanding.

[glass shattering]

-Shit! -For fuck's sake.

You blind or something?

-I am, actually. -What?

I just thank God Rocks for bringing us together.

He's, he's my only friend. No one's friendly here.

It's... been, been, been really hard.

Cleveland, I think you're lovely...

and you deserve the world,

which is probably more than what the world decides to give you.

No, that's the bathroom.

[sniffing and sighing]

-Oh, no. -Oh, hey!

Are you feeling better?

Can we discuss this when I've finished?

[Cynthia] Shall we go to Cheesy Eaters?

-Why the fuck didn't you say something? -People judge ya, especially women.

A blind guy just isn't an option, it's not even an option you can consider.

So what do you look like?

Mixed race, a caramel sort of tone. Occasionally, I model.

I don't care, it's your voice,

the raspiness, it's affecting.

Well, when I first saw you, I said,

I reckon that you were definitely worth a shag-and-a-half.

Now... I'd say that you're probably worth at least two.

[chuckling]

[moans]

[Tracey] I'll always love you, okay?

And I'll visit ya... every day.

Never lick my face again, okay?

From now on, Orlando, it's about your future...

-it's not about your past. -[Mandy] Take a selfie.

-No, stop, stop! -[camera shutter clicks]

Oh, gosh! This estate is no place for you.

It's time to go.

-Are you sure? -I promise you.

-And I can visit? -Of course.

Every day if I want to?

Yeah, if you really wanted to, it's possible.

Okay, I wasn't really talking to you at all, but it's cool.

My grandma literally raised me.

I promise you she'll take good care of him.

Oh, I'm glad she has great experience in raising dogs.

-Sorry. -One thing I will say before you go,

keep him away from her vagina.

-What? -"Vagina", she said "vagina".

Er...

[theme music plays]