Original subtitles

Okay, it's... It's this...

It's quite hard to say.

Basically, it seems like nobody wants the Trace.

Even my cousin don't fancy me no more. Look at him.

A couple of months ago, Boy Tracey couldn't be left in a room with me

without taking his clothes off. Now, he just goes on and on and on

about all the girls he's banged and how I'm his goon,

I'm his boy, I'm his cousin. What went wrong?

I've had two boyfriends. Nice boys, but both one day decided,

"Ooh, no, don't want the Trace."

Look, in my defence, Ronald wanted a penis.

Even Beyoncé couldn't give him that.

As for Connor, bless him, it's gonna take him such a long time to get over me.

Look, last week I saw him kissing

what looked like a hyena crossbred with a goat.

-And he's gonna keep doing that until I-- -Well, well, well.

[Tracey] Connor, yeah!

Emma, I want you to meet Tracey, my best friend.

-And your... -Ex, yeah.

[theme music plays]

[Connor] Tracey, are you...

-Tracey! -Hello! Yes, of course. Yes.

-Hi! -[Emma] Okay.

Well, I'll just...

-She alright, isn't she? Like a little-- -Hyena?

-What? -What?

Like I said, Trace, I've smashed 100 girls like that. See, I'm special.

Uncle Roy!

Yes. I've come to help your mother with the night vigil

since you and Cynthia have abandoned her.

Oh, thank you, Uncle, so much.

Like Tracey, you are growing fat.

Oh, Uncle! Thank you, thank you, you too.

I hate this man. I hate this man so much.

Brother, we have over 25 in attendance for night vigil!

[both laugh]

[Joy] Hallelujah!

Uncle Roy and Mum is like sugar-free jam and fake ketchup.

They're not great by themselves anyway, but you mix that together,

it's a whole 'nother level of disgusting.

Yeah.

Duck face and deuces.

-Uh... Well... -[camera whirs]

Boy Tracey, will you evangelise with your aunty

or follow this wayward girl into chaos and destruction?

Neither. I've got a lady waiting.

Hmm. Womaniser. You are you father's son.

Of course. But what happened to this one?

Brother, I tell her every day.

-"Live your life exactly as I--" -And I'll be just like you.

But I want to be Rihanna.

Nobody ever fancied me in school.

Nobody fancied me on the estate. I mean am I... I'm not. Am I ugly?

[all] No!

You're niche.

-Very niche. -Like K-Pop.

K-Pop? Okay, Karly, well, the men I've spoken to

do not say "K-Pop". They say I'm very sweet.

What do you say to these guys?

Well...

Hi! I just wanna say that you're, like, the buffest guy ever!

You remind me of this guy in the Freemans Catalogue

that I used to fancy when I was littler.

[all] No!

Tracey, you can't just go up to a guy and expose yourself. Who does that?

-You gotta wait for them to approach you. -She'll be waiting a long time, though.

-Real talk. -Mm.

I feel like you just insulted me and then you lot agreed with the insult.

-Oh, my God, I'm ugly. -No, no, no. You are beautiful.

In... in a Whoopi Goldberg kind of--

-Her face! -Clothes.

-The Color Purple. -[all] Mm.

-[Candice] Yeah. -They're looking for Rita Ora.

German's would love you. They like those sort of clothes.

-Or you could borrow my clothes. -Ugh, no thanks.

Germans, Karly? So, just go get myself to Germany?

I can hardly afford to get myself earrings!

So you're saying, go there or Connor will be the last boyfriend I have?

[all murmur agreement]

Oh, God. Oh, my...

-[gospel music plays] -Jesus, high! Satan, low.

Jesus, higher up. Satan, lower down.

In the basement.

Hi, I'm Louise, I'm from the--

-Shut up and make a joyful noise. -Shut your mouth and praise the Lord.

The Bible says to shout in praise, my sister.

Night vigil, tonight, 9 p.m.

Uh... I'm from the council.

Oh, my dear, why didn't you say?

Can I have a word?

Okay.

Oh, my god. Tracey, I cannot believe I've gotta tell you this again.

I'm not interested, okay? Stop wanting me sexually, stop pining for me, I'm not--

My dad told me to wait up here.

There's a woman that's come from the council, so...

-Right. Yes. Right. -She's wearing a suit.

My dad don't trust women that wear suits. So I'm not trying to--

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Yes, it's a small church, but growing. I'm occasionally recognised in Asda

and other department stores,

but I want to remain humble, so my entourage will come later.

-How do you specifically like your tea? -None for me, thank you.

But it's English breakfast, like in Downton!

Means nothing to me. I'm Scottish.

What's the difference?

-Look, Pastor Joy-- -Of sorts.

-Excuse me? -Well, if we are talking technicalisms,

I'm not officially a pastor, yet.

In one way, that sums up my being here and why I'm coming to the night vigil.

-I don't understand. -The council has rules.

Your church does not comply with them.

Jesu Christo, I didn't know such rules applied to the Kingdom of God.

Even to the Kingdom of God. We welcome multi-faith worship--

-Worship! That's what we do. -Multi-faith--

My dear, this is nonsense. Just come to the night vigil.

Your husband and children are welcome.

I don't have a husband, thank you very much.

You are not married? Oh, no children?

I know, I've managed to maintain a successful career, an amazing body,

and a sound mind without the assistance of a man. Wow, unbelievable.

I'll be off, now.

But no children?

And the body clock is ticking.

Does this mean I'm not to have my free will and individuality

destroyed by a toothless, crying blob? Soul-destroying news.

I'll be listening, tonight. Closely.

Do you think girls like stimulation via the clitoris or the vagina itself?

Or are all girls different?

[scoffs] I wouldn't know, Trace.

I mean, are you sure that you're okay in here?

Last time you were in my bedroom, you were trying to have sex with me.

So, I don't know how much your feelings could have changed.

Drastically. Do you wish they hadn't?

No. I'm just saying that if you had sexual feelings towards me,

I wouldn't mind, because you'd be the only one that...

-I'm feeling a bit... -[phone rings]

[exhales] ...funny about my...

-I'm feeling... -Yes! We're in!

-What? -Nothing!

Wanna go to a party, tonight?

Come on. [imitates defibrillator]

Like we used to. Me, you...

[both] Tracey’s embarking on an adventure.

[laughs] It's at this leisure centre. No, more like a spa club sort of place.

They do different nights. Shamone!

Hmm...

[trilling lips and imitating explosions]

Jackpot, jackpot!

We'll get ready at Candice's, yeah?

Why?

-[Candice] Shut up. -[Tracey] Can I borrow your perfume?

-[Candice] Of course. -I like your clothes, man.

[Aaron] ...18, 19, 20.

21. [exhales]

What? Gets the pecs popping.

-You're so vain. -You get to spend half an hour

doing each side of your face, but I can't do some push-ups?

Thanks, Candice. Is it Rita Ora enough? Yeah?

Yeah. Better, babe. Better.

You're lying. Yeah, I love you, anyway.

-All this boy cares about is his body. -And you. Come and let me teach you.

What are you trying to say? If you've something to say about my body,

-just be a man and say it, innit. -I adore every inch of you.

Wish you'd show more of it tonight, though. Where's that crop top?

Given all your clothes to Whoopi, here?

The way you're wearing them jeans it's like I gave all my clothes to you.

-Ooh. -[Candice laughs]

[slaps bottom]

You know I get turned on when you embarrass me.

[Boy Tracey] Adventure time!

Why is everyone wearing pajamas?

What sort of weird party is this?

Names?

Names?

Hmm. Yes, one moment, please, sir.

Guys, can we group? Can we group?

-What's the dress code? -[Tracey] [screaming] Candice!

We've gone to the wrong club, okay?

This is some sort of Heavy-R party. This is not the...

Surprise! [laughs]

Trace, you said "leisure centre".

Do you understand what they're doing in there? They're having sex.

-Are you having a laugh? -No, but I thought this might be.

How? For whom? You can't even swim.

I'm trying to live a normal life. Why'd you feel this appropriate?

Men can't go alone it's against the rules.

-No, he's having a fucking laugh. -Aaron, fall back, man.

Did you know about this?

-No! -Oh, my God, this is fucking nasty!

-It's disgusting, mate. -I didn't think we'd pass the photo test,

but then we did. I got carried away.

-What photo test are you talking about? -The selfie we took! That's why I took it.

Are... Are you telling me that I got into this club

-because of what I look like? -Yeah.

But, I mean, I don't even have a bikini.

I brought you one.

Did you hear that, Candice? Whoops! I thought the Trace wasn't on trend.

Turns out I got into PornHub Palace because of all of this.

Yes, Rita Ora better catch the next train to Germany,

because the Whoopi Goldberg train is...

Is what?

Don't know. [squeals]

Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm one of the buff people.

Buff person coming through. Tracey.

[Boy Tracey] Wait, now.

No way, man, I got my limits.

[sighs] Aaron, calm yourself, man. We ain't signed up, anyway.

[bouncer] Your face, his arms...

You can walk right in.

No thanks, mate.

So, what? We're just supposed to leave Tracey by herself, yeah?

[scoffs] Move out the way.

Fucking hell.

Thank you for gathering at Church of Joy Ministries.

My ministry.

God has anointed me to lead you all. And well done. You have heard...

and will follow me to heaven.

While those less fortunate, with wax in their big ears...

will go to hell and incur burns, their faces will fall off, and...

[footsteps approach]

[Joy] And don't forget to tell your white and Indian friends

to come and worship, as we are pioneers of diversity.

You told me this was Alcoholics Anonymous.

-I did not. -You definitely said this was AA.

Yes, Alpha Almighty God.

Fucking liar.

God bless you and do return again, soon.

-[door slams] -[Joy] With your Punjabi friends!

[Tracey] Rah. This is mad.

-[electronic dance music plays] -[woman moans]

[gasps]

[Tracey] She has a bra on, and yet no bra!

[all moan]

[Tracey] Disgusting.

Go over there. No-one's gonna talk to me if they think I'm with you. And that.

Word of advice, Boy Tracey. Tuck it in.

Tuck it, press it, clamp it, whatever. It's very offensive.

See you, Tracey.

[man] Yes, yes!

[dominatrix] Don't think I won't hurt you harder.

[man moans]

You can do this. "Hi, yeah, I'm Tracey. What's your name?"

"Okay, yeah, no, I came with my cousin, yeah."

"I'm a virgin. I'm still a virgin."

"I'm a virgin. Yeah, I'm a virgin."

"I'm actually just waiting for the right person.

Maybe it could be you!" [laughs]

"Yeah. Oh, thank you. You like them? Thank you so much."

"Your penis is amazing. It's really sublime."

[man moans and shouts]

[dominatrix] Is that hard enough?

Oh, shit.

[Aaron] It's actually alright, here, innit?

That is quite hot.

-Yeah. Let's whip this off, shall we? -No, don't.

-I think I'm getting a cold. -What?

-Hey. -Hiya.

-You're so beautiful. -Oh, thanks.

No. Back where you came from.

My name's Penelope.

I'm Tracey. Boy Tracey.

-[Penelope] Who's the girl? -[Boy Tracey] That's Tracey.

She was supposed to see me here with my penis, and my power,

-and see that I'm her ultimate man. -I believe it.

-I'm a raging bull. -[growls]

I'm fire and air.

You are the ultimate raging bull.

-Fire, air... All the elements. -[laughs]

[Penelope] Let's do what we came for.

Stop. I've never ejaculated before.

-What? Tell me that's a joke. -It's certainly not.

I can...

For ages, but when I feel like I need to come, I just stop.

-You're gonna go away, now, aren't you? -How can I make you relax?

I have this game that I play where I'm an ex-cop that turned bad

because a government official shot my child

and I'm seeking vengeance.

And Girl Tracey plays the government official that killed Jacob,

my son, and I shoot her. Then, while she's unconscious,

she realises that she's in love with me,

even though I'm her cousin. Even though I'm a cop.

Even though I'm the bad... [screaming] Cop! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Tracey! Look! Look!

[Penelope laughs]

[Penelope and Boy Tracey moan]

[screams]

Okay, my disciples. Who will give testimony, today?

You... You are always talking.

Brother Roy.

Hold on one moment. Let me just find a page.

Ah. Jeremiah 23, verse 16.

"Do not listen to the words of the prophets

who are prophesying to you.

They are leading you into futility.

They speak with a vision of their own imagination

and not from the mouth of the Lord."

Uh... Okay. So, what God is saying, here,

is that the church, slash, community hall is for everyone.

Jesus...

slash, God...

loves everyone... the same. Apparently.

Even Buddhists, homosexuals...

graphic designers...

Turn to your life partner and say I love you.

[congregation] I love you.

[man grunts]

-Take it off. -No.

Shall I rip it off? Is that what you want?

-Sit down, Aaron. -Come on, Candice, I'm taking control.

Look, what do you want? Because sometimes, like...

-What do you want? -[sighs] Aaron, I've put on weight, okay?

So you thought you'd wear your coat for the rest of your life?

“You haven't put on weight, babe. It's in your head.” That's all you'll say.

Well, maybe you have! [stammering] Or maybe you haven't.

All I know is you're gorgeous.

Yeah, in my face. But all the fat's gone to the wrong places.

You expect a body like Kim K. Instead, you get Pat Butcher.

[tuts] Pat Butcher, man!

[man groans]

[phone rings]

Hello? Connor?

Connor?

Connor?

Connor, you are not bum-calling me. Do not... Connor!

Fine, if you can't hear me, I'm gonna tell you you're a prick. You are a prick.

You're a good-for-nothing, no ambition, no deodorant,

no nature, and your self has rubbed off on me

and now nobody'll come near me because I'm damaged goods,

so thanks for that. Thanks to you, I can't even get

used and abused in a sex club, so...

[laughs]

I am worthy. It's just rules.

I can have sex with anyone. With everyone! I've just gotta ask. This is great.

This is... No, it's not.

No, wake up. What are you talking about? This is gross, this is disgusting,

I'd be a prostitute doing charity work. I've gotta put a stop to this.

-I gotta put a stop to this. -[man] Oh, yes!

[all sing] ♪ When peace like a river ♪

-♪ Attendeth... ♪ -[inhales]

[singing quietens]

♪ ...When sorrows like sea billows roll ♪

I didn't want it before, but now I need it. I'm so lonely!

[sobbing] Seeing this love, I want this joy.

-Amen. -[all] Amen.

God will find you a husband, you will find a husband.

-I will find a husband. -Praise God.

[all] Praise the Lord!

Repeat these words. Jesus, I invite you to become

Lord of my life, to reign in my heart forever.

Jesus, I invite you to become the Lord of my life...

-To reign in my heart forever. -To reign in my heart forever.

To keep Joy Ministries up and running.

Oh, no, no, I'm shutting this down. I mean, yeah, this thing is done.

[sobbing] Thank you!

[moans]

Hey, hey, hey, come here.

Freeman's Catalogue, do you want to have sex? Yeah?

Hey, hey. Hi. I think you're ugly and pathetic. Do you wanna have sex?

-Yeah, I'm up for that. -Excuse me!

Your mum's a dirty tramp. Wanna have sex?

-[man] Yeah! -Yeah?

Let's all have some sex, yeah? Yeah? This is a fucking joke. Turn this off!

-[music quietens] -I'm Tracey,

and I ain't having sex with anyone here, okay?

Because for the first time in my life, all I gotta do

is aim and click a finger, and I can have anybody I want.

And I don't want to. You don't see me, my charm, my personality,

how I look like Beyoncé...

from certain angles.

Look, you're beautiful people, okay? I might wanna bang some of you.

I just wanna know who I'm banging, know what I mean?

Sometimes, hey, I feel ugly. Who feels ugly, too?

-[crowd whoops] -Yes, thank you. Yes.

-I've gained a few pounds. -What? Babe shut up, it's in your head.

You look amazing, great.

Come on. Let it out, guys. Let it go. Who feels unwanted?

-[crowd] Yes! -[Tracey] You feel unwanted? Yes!

Yes, brother. Yes, my sister. Yes.

I'm a virgin. Stand with me, huh?

Sometimes, I get vaginal thrush. Who's with me? Thrush.

Who wants to have sex, now?

I'm... head over heels in love with a girl that happens to be my cousin.

-[crowd] Whoa. -Shut up.

Right, sex ain't the only thing that makes us feel good.

So let's go out on a different bang, then.

-[dance music plays] -[Tracey] Yeah, volley-dildo!

Right! Go, go, go, go!

[players shout and cheer]

[Candice laughs]

Yes. I used to think my life was a bit crappy

because nobody wanted me, but now I realise it could be worse.

Everybody could want me.

Oh, no. I feel like...

-Yeah? -I'm gonna...

Come? [screaming] Come!

We've gotta get you to the end of the rainbow.

No, I'm scared. It's so hot. I need the cold,

I need the... I've gotta get out. Let me out. Give it back.

-[screams] -[Boy Tracey] I'm scared. I'm gonna come.

-Out of my way! -[Tracey] Tracey...

-Tracey? -[Boy Tracey] I'm gonna...

-[players scream] -[screaming] Tracey!

Tracey, what are you doing? You can't swim.

Tracey! I'm really scared. Something's happening.

-What's wrong with you? -Something's...

[Tracey] What's happening? What's wrong?

-Is that my come? -Yep.

Yep.

[slow soul music plays]

[phone rings]

Hi, mummy. Everything is fine. I'm being good. I actually am.

I know you're lying, but it's okay.

Mummy, are you okay?

[Joy] I told you to do like me. I was wrong.

If you do like me, you will reach the end of your days with nothing.

Anyway, my dear, see you whenever you're home.

Hmm.

I think I need more time away from you.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Roy sobs]

[theme music plays]