Original subtitles

Yeah. Yeah, I'm back. Yeah.

I've been away three months, you know.

So, I've just been doing the reunions, innit?

Candice is bae, so obviously I've just been round to surprise her and that.

[squeals excitedly]

Welcome back.

Yeah, she was really, really happy to see me.

And, her nan, who's basically also my nan, was really happy as well.

Fucking piece of shit. Fucking hell.

What you done to your hair? And where's Connor?

I'm done with you, Tracey.

[buzzer buzzes]

[Joy over intercom] I said, you are not coming home!

Mummy!

I mean, technically, I'm not squatting. I'm just starting my shift really early.

[theme music plays]

Okay, yes, Deepak. I know how to run a shop.

Can you just go and catch enjoyments, please?

Oh! Look, Deepak, be careful, okay?

Because from far away, you look dark enough to be a little bit black.

No, you do! Look, look, look.

If the police stop you, don't panic, okay?

They're like bees. If they see you panic, they panic, and then they sting you. Ok--

[line disconnects]

Deepak's going on holiday to America.

What's the point? He ain't here.

He ain't here! [laughs]

[hip hop music plays through earphones]

-[music inaudible] -[rapping] ♪ I tore that ass up ♪

♪ And it splattered on the floor ♪

♪ I've got a hundred more on a worldwide tour ♪

[hip hop music plays through earphones]

Woohoo!

[neck cracks]

[Tracey] I slay, I'm carefree, and I've got my black girl magic.

[posh accent] Oh, my God. Connor?

Connor, it's Tracey!

Yeah, no, I know I look different, now. I've become successful. Yas!

Who's this? Is this wide-legged hyena your new girlfriend?

Oh, my God! No, no, no, I just... I just can't believe

you've moved on so quickly.

[London accent] I haven't, Trace. I haven't moved on.

I love you. Please help me, help me!

[gasps] Oh, my God, no, no, no! Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

[posh accent] Look, I wish I could, but I've actually gotta go see Beyoncé.

No, really. Yeah, I'm gonna fly there.

Oh yeah, because I can fly, and I'm flying!

I'm flying! I'm flying! I'm fly...

Oh, what you saying, fam?

You alright?

Yeah. Where you going?

-[laughs] Deepak's on holiday. -On holiday, yeah, I know.

He's left me in charge.

Alright, well, you can tell me where the toolbox is, then.

-What? -The toolbox.

He says he needs some shelves fixing.

-Why? -Broken shelves.

This ain't gonna be a problem, is it? I mean, we're mates, we're adults.

Yes. No! Er, yeah!

-Toolbox? -Toolbox, yes.

Here you go. [grunts]

[in choked voice] It's right in the back. Deep in the back. [coughs]

Deep in the back, right there. Yeah.

[mutters]

Make up, make up, make up.

This has expired.

[Tracey] Yup. Will you come back later? Thank you.

Oi, you idiot! I said this has expired!

So, put it in the bin!

I want fresh milk, you dumb fuck!

-[milk bottle slams] -[yelps]

Look at what you made me do!

You think the world revolves around you, don't you?

I'm out here trying to deal with real-life problems.

-I want my money back. -Yes, well you...

-[coins rattle] -There you go, madam. Keep the change.

Oh, look at that, I've just doubled your pension!

[Connor] Right.

Fucking hell!

Ah. Look at that.

It's a good job I'm here. Bit of twisting, bit of tightening, and...

Ooh.

-Are you alright with me working here? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -Yeah!

Connor, me and you, we're brethren, so, like, what's the...

Exactly. Besides, we haven't really caught up in private.

I knew this guy still fancied me, man.

I wanna break up properly, you know?

[voice echoes deliriously] Talk about exactly what happened.

And then, you know, put it all behind us.

[voices echo]

-[shrieking] No! -[echoing] It'd be nice if we had closure.

["closure" echoes repeatedly]

-Tracey! -[stammering] I... I'd love to, you know,

but I'm just... I'm so busy. So busy.

There's no-one here.

Stock! I have to... I've got to count the stock.

-[huffs] -What are you doing after?

-Oh, I'm busy after. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going on a date.

Yeah, literally the second my shift is done. [sucks air]

-Wow! -Yeah.

-What's his name? -Anthony Joshua.

The famous boxer?

Yeah, it's... [stammers]

Yeah, no. It's obviously not Anthony Joshua.

It's Antony Joshua's friend.

Basically, it's Anthony Joshua's friend that I'm seeing, you know?

So... yeah. And he's picking me up in his car.

Fancy. So, what's he whipping?

-Excuse me? -What's he drive, your guy?

A Rolex.

Sorry, a Rolex?

Yeah, he drives a Rolex.

Is that alright with you?

-Yeah. -Okay.

[whimpering] What's he doing?

-What's he doing? -So, it's Anthony Joshua's best mate?

He's one of his best mates, yeah.

One of his best mates. Just one.

Yeah, he's got loads of friends. Yes, that one.

-Him? -Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Stormzy!

[whispering] Oh, that is... That is really unlucky.

-You're going out with him? -Yeah.

Wow. Well, maybe we can chat after...

[imitating Crazy Frog] Bing, ba-ding, bing, bing!

Time to count the stock-ins!

Hey, son. [laughs]

["House Work" by Jax Jones playing]

[Tracey] Eight, nine, ten, eleven...

Eleven... stock.

-I need to know what happened. -Oh, well, you know, I guess...

You know, the shelves have been up for a while,

and with all the stock, they just got worn down.

Not the shelves. When we were staying at the homeless shelter.

[nervous groan]

-What's happened? -You made me lose count of...

So, now I've got--I've got to start again. It's fine.

Twenty...

Twe... Okay. Yeah, okay.

So, the thing is, about me and Connor's,

you know, drifting from each other,

it's not just that I just forgot to mention it.

I chose to forget.

But now he wants to talk about it.

He wants to talk about E2 Homeless Shelter.

Yeah, that's where we were staying when we were part of the underclass.

He wants to talk about it, and...

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen salad creams.

Fifty-six, fifty-seven...

And to top it off, he's trying to interrogate me

about my made-up boyfriend.

You're going out with Stormzy. That is mad, innit?

Well, you know, I didn't go looking for him like I did Drake.

You know, he found me, he saw the goods, he wanted the goods.

-He's got the goods. -Instagram?

No, man, you know we ain't really out here doing it for the gram, you know?

I ain't even on the Instagram, so.

You're on Facebook. Is it Facebook levels?

No, no, no. We don't really feel the need to... you know.

Oh, are you and... um, Emma, is it?

She wanted to, but I ain't fussed for it.

But it sounds like you and your famous fella...

It sounds like you're... serious. It's quite mad.

-I'm glad we've both moved on. -Yeah, we have. We have both moved on.

We have, both of us, have moved on.

I mean, hello! Prep the press!

Somebody call the reporters!

You know, me and you have moved on!

It's amazing. Do you know what I'm gonna do?

Yas! I'm gonna go into the back room,

and I am gonna crack open a bottle of Fanta! [laughs]

Trace, can we talk now, please?

It'll be over quickly, as long as we're both...

If you're not telling lies, and that. Yeah?

["This Woman's Work" by Maxwell plays]

Hmm?

-[music quietens] -Yes! [laughs]

[laughing] I've just gotta go and get the Fanta, right? You little weirdo!

Let's go. I don't even...

Shit!

Think of a plan, of a plan...

Candice. Candice!

[phone rings]

-[Candice] Yo, wagwan? -Candice, look, I need a favour.

[Candice] [laughs] This is my voicemail. Bet you thought I answered, innit?

-Because you're a dumb, gullible prick! -[beep]

[singing] ♪ And when he came ♪

[over phone] ♪ To his true love's dwelling ♪

♪ He knelt down gently ♪

-[Tracey] Ola, can-- -♪ Upon the stone ♪

-Ola. -It's an Irish folk song.

"The Night Visiting Song".

And I sing it because I want a man try and to come visit me in my sleep.

And give a gift to my penis of fellatio.

Oh, yeah, of course, fellatio. Congrats.

Look, I need a favour from you.

No, I prefer transactions.

I'll shave your bum-crack again.

Deal.

I need you to make a Facebook page under the name of Mr. Stormzy.

Okay? And do it quickly. Oh, and do photos of us together!

You've got Photo Grid, the app? Yeah, do some of that photo collages.

Yeah, make us look good, okay?

A challenge? Hmm. Okay.

Okay.

Don't look at me.

Hello, why--why are the shutters down?

You and me, we're gonna be straight with each other for two minutes.

No, you can't close the shop. It's the middle of the day.

I wanna talk, Trace.

Yeah, but I don't want to talk. Oh, my God, Deepak's gonna lose his shit!

-Where's the key? -We're not going nowhere

until we talk proper, so you're gonna have to cancel your plans

with your made-up boyfriend.

I... I'm offended, Connor.

That you really think I'm that pathetic. That crazy!

To just make up that I've got a boyfriend. Do you think I'm that sad? That lonely?

Yeah.

[phone rings]

Oh, it's just my made-up boyfriend. Do you mind if I--

-Let me see that fucking phone. -Look at the phone.

-[scoffs] Go on, then. -Thank you.

Hi! Hey, baby!

-[man] Come on, open up! -[banging on shutters]

No, we are open! Don't...

[shouting] Open the shop! [speaking] Hi. Yeah.

[Ola] This is so exciting.

-Honestly. -[Tracey] Yeah, I'm really excited

-about tonight, as well. -Huh? It's...

-Oh. -Mm-hmm.

-I see. -[laughing] Yeah.

[London accent] Yes. I love you.

My pretty little vagina.

[gasps] I love you, too.

-Check your Facebook. -[laughing] Check my Facebook?

I will, I'll check my Facebook.

[laughs, kisses air]

He hung up.

Aww.

Look. A picture.

That's another one.

Oh, that's cute.

Oh. Right?

So, back off!

I still wanna finish it properly.

Oh, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna hold me prisoner?

Oh, is your celebrity boyfriend and his bodyguards gonna come for me?

[shouting] I am going out with a celebrity.

He's got a lot of money! He takes me to dinner!

He picks me up in his Rolex!

It's not my fault, Connor. I don't know what he sees in me.

I don’t know! Maybe the same thing you saw before your vision got fucked,

and you started seeing a hyena crossbred with a goat as a potential wife!

-[screaming] I hate Emma! -[gasps]

That felt so good.

Now, give me the key, please.

-[woman] Open the fucking door. -[whimpering] Yeah, I'm so sorry!

We're coming, we're just... Just give me the key, Connor, please!

-[alarm blares] -[gasps]

[voice echoes deliriously] I need to know what happened.

When we were staying at that homeless shelter....

["homeless shelter" echoes repeatedly]

[Tracey grunts]

[moans]

-[yelps, groans] -[moans]

-Oh, Tracey... -Yeah?

We can't in here.

Have you been drinking?

-Have you been drinking? -[inhales]

-What? -I made us a love nest.

Come on.

It's yours.

I want you.

Look, baby.

Water feature!

Look. And I've... you know? Babes.

-How much have you had to drink? -Baby! No, baby, shh...

My body is yours. Do you know what I mean?

So you can just take it, because, like...

Yeah, baby, that's...

[Caribbean accent] Teif up mi body! Teif it up, man!

[both moan]

That is really...

Yeah, babe.

I'm sorry.

-No, don't... shh, look just-- -[knock on door]

[man] Have you lost it, yet?

[woman laughing] I've got a tenner on you staying floppy. Don't let me down!

-[shrieks] -Oi, say that again!

-Go away! -Say that again!

Go away, you're fucking terrible. You're terrible.

Right.

-Right. -Okay.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah. Ooh!

Okay.

[giggles]

[both moan]

[squeals]

-[Connor] Yeah! Let's go down here. -[Tracey] Okay. Oh!

-Yes! [moans] -That's it!

That's terribly... It's really uncomfortable.

Let's try this. [growls]

[both grunt and shout]

-[Connor] Yes. Yes -[Tracey] Yeah. Oh.

Yeah! Yes, babe! Yeah.

-I'm gonna-- -No. No, stop!

[yelps]

You're doing the nose thing. You're putting me off!

[Tracey screams]

Fuck you.

-Fuck you. -I'm sorry.

The way you fucking treat my fanny is fucking worse than...

People treat their animals better than this. I even got Gay Simon...

I said, "Gay Simon, please can I borrow your dildo?"

Listen. Three months, okay, and we’ve not done nothing

with the penis in the vagina going inside, okay?

Do you see what I’m saying?

Look. It’s frothing a little bit.

It’s all shrivelly and stuff, and I--I don't know...

I don't know whether that’s because of you.

[voice breaking] But I feel like it’s fucking because of you! I...

-I’m gonna be sick. My stomach needs... -Oh! The toilet bowl's there.

Keep your hands off me.

Where is the... Oh! [retches]

[Connor shouts]

That's better, yeah?

[retches]

That was on purpose.

[alarm blares]

[alarm quietens]

Look, I was trying to be a supportive partner,

trying to help their boyfriend through their erectile dysfunction.

-I don't know why you're pissed at me. -Shut up. No.

It's what you did after.

["Girls Like Us" by B-15 Project plays]

[music quietens]

[grunts and moans]

Danny likes it. How come Danny's got a hard penis

and, look at you, you fucker, you don't?

I don't have a penis, I'm a girl.

Yeah, but you're a lesbian.

What's happening with you?

Crazy when you're drunk, crazy when you're sober.

Where are you going? I thought you wanted to be the one to take my virginity.

I'm done with you, Tracey.

Oh, okay, well, that's alright.

Off you go.

The dildo is being activated.

Your services are no longer needed, Sergeant Floppy Dick!

We were tight! We didn’t need nothing but each other

and job seekers' allowance! They loved us up! Interracial!

Yeah, usually, the girl's white and the guy's black,

but we did it the interesting way around.

Tracey and Connor. “Tronnor.” They actually called us "Tronnor"!

Nobody called us "Tronnor."

And then you went and told everyone we weren't fucking,

and I turned into a laughing stock. Well done, Tracey! Nice one.

No, no. Why would I want you to be a laughing stock? I love y...

I mean, I like you, know what I'm saying?

You’re alright. I don't...

Just out of interest, then, why'd you fuck someone else?

I didn't.

Fuck off, Tracey! I was there, remember?

I don't care if it was a girl. Cheating's cheating.

-I... -[phone rings]

[groans] Ola... celebrity boyfriend!

Now's not a good time. Can you please call me back?

[gasps]

Look. I never cheated on you.

Never.

Honestly, nothing happened.

Okay, well there's, look... [mumbles]

[moaning] Oh, yeah!

[Tracey moans and shrieks]

What are you doing?

I'm making sex noises, because I should be having sex right now.

-Here's your... -Oh, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, come on. Let's...

Let's make like a scissors and trib.

-No. -Kiss me.

-No. -Kiss me!

-No! -Okay.

Okay. Okay, I'll just have a hug.

-I just need somebody. -Okay, come on.

He's gone. He's gone.

Thanks.

Fuck. I had a whole 'nother story going on.

It was much sexier than that. Fuck.

-You know, I tried to tell you. [sighs] -[phone rings]

Ola, give it up.

-[Ola] I need to tell you something. -Bye.

-So, you're not going out with-- -No, of course I ain't going out with him!

-It's lonely, innit? -Yeah.

-Mindlessly fucking whoever, then just-- -Wait.

-Hmm? -Your...

Oh, yeah, no, it's fine. It's just with you.

-Oh. -No, I mean... I don't know what it is.

I just... I think it's special. In a good way.

-Are you still a... -A virgin?

[laughing] No, no, no. I got demolished.

[makes choking sound]

It hurt, you know. I was like, "Ah!"

-Why do you lie so much? -I'm not sure.

We should get back to work.

Yeah.

[Connor] Work. Right.

Right. [grunts]

Oh, no. I don't really work here.

It's worked out really well.

I saw Deepak with his suitcases, put two and two together.

Okay, wow.

I just wanted to chat with you.

Alone. Without Emma breathing down my...

Why do you hate her so much?

-[sighs] -You haven't even met her.

Because she's nice. I can tell.

So are you.

Whoa, Connor, what are you doing?

We can't. We were talking about your girlfriend.

I was trying to leave.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[door unlocks]

["Put it On Me" by Ja Rule ft. Vita plays]

The fuck?

["Shut Up" by Stormzy plays]

Tracey, yeah?

Yes.

But she doesn't look like she's got cancer.

Well, I don't have cancer.

She can function, but it's just...

Alright. Take these.

I haven't really got the time for this, so I'm just gonna...

Ooh, Stormzy!

You told him I've got cancer?

That you had a little bit.

Just small, small cancer.

What?

["Shut Up" by Stormzy plays]