Original subtitles

♪ Life ain't so great, yeah There'll be dots in the mud ♪

♪ And life ain't Hollywood For any one of us ♪

♪ If ever you're in doubt Just get your wings out ♪

♪ It's all right, darling Get your wriggle on ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

Connor's dick is big.

Not the come-through-up-out-your-mouth- and-destroy-your-organs-on-the-way

kinda big, which I have seen on Heavy-R, which I do not want.

Connor's dick is pink,

and that is... interestin'.

Sorta reminds me of raw chicken skin, but I try not to think about that.

Instead, I go with a long, pink balloon.

That's now. I finally gonna contend with my vagina.

[Tracey] Come on.

I want it now.

I'm sorry. I just...

Ah! I just...

I-I don't wanna... you know.

I dunno, man, you're-you're just...

so pure.

I don't understand.

-Do you understand? -Yeah, yeah.

[Candice] You are too pure. you need to sext him, bruv.

I am not pure. I am dirty.

I've done it. Send it, yeah?

All right, let's move on.

Blow-job selfie.

You watchin', yeah?

All right, your turn.

Forget you're a virgin and channel your slut.

Do you wanna suck his dick or-or smile at it?

Neither.

Tracey, he wants you to push your pussy in his face,

like you're about to take a shit on it.

He wants to get his nose all up in there.

Nah, I don't who told you it was common, this thing--

The selfie is the theory exam to the driving test,

and you're 100% not ready to take the driving test, bruv.

You need to do some research.

I think you should talk to Mum about what you were watching the other night.

What was I watching?

[groaning]

[woman on screen] Oh, yes, mister, in my arse. This feels so good!

[woman moaning]

I won't tell so long as the next word you utter is "Yes."

May I borrow your laptop, please? Your laptop, can I borrow, may I--

What are you doin'?

"Asking questions repetitively signifies importance."

OK, so this method isn't yielding the results that I--

-Do you want my laptop? -Yes.

Well, take it.

-Say "Thank you." -You're welcome.

-OK. -Yes, of course.

-What you doin'? -Trying to give you a blow job.

-Why? -Because I want to.

I thought you weren't into that sort of thing.

Look, just sit down, sit down and do it.

All right, uh...

I'm gonna take your penis out now. OK?

-Yeah, yeah, OK. -Cool.

Oh, it's, uh... uh...

It's very relaxed.

And I'd say, "Give me a bit of dirty talk,"

but I-- I know that's not your thing.

-Yeah, yeah, it is. It's... -I thought it wasn't.

Yeah, well, maybe there's a lot of things that you think

that you need to not, uh...

'cause it's not... I do like that-doing that.

-Excuse me. I'm going to do it now. -All right.

Thank you.

Hello, penis.

Split my bum cheeks.

Tear up my, um, bum hole,

until it's-it's-it's wide enough

for the-the head on your neck to pop in,

and take a look at the view...

inside of my broken bum cheeks.

It didn't work. OK, so that time, it didn't work.

Oh, dear.

Oh, ooh!

-No. -Yes, it's quite cold.

The electrician's coming to fix the shower tomorrow.

I told him anytime before 1:00 PM, so I need you to be awake.

What, you gearing up for a titty fuck?

-Don't leave, Mum. -Where are you, where you going?

Get this.

-Turns out, I have a job, yeah? -Here we go.

It's this place that I go that keeps us inside a flat and outside arrears.

-Tracey, put your clothes back on-- -No, don't mind me.

Someone's has to pay for your useless notepads and pencils.

I'll see ya later, yeah? It ain't me. It's Mum. She wants to talk.

No, she don't.

Girl to girl, you can't titty fuck with tits like yours.

You got the tits of a 40-year-old, with triplets.

I'm just sayin'. Not being funny.

-[Connor] Mum, I ain't done with this! -Oh, shut it!

-[Connor] Stop walking away from me. -[Doreen] Can we talk about this later?

[breathing heavily]

[woman moaning]

[Cynthia moaning]

[Kristy] This better fuckin' be human hair.

'Course it is.

Kristy, how much were your, um...

Oh, mate, ain't even worth it.

Three years saving up Job Seekers' Allowance

just for the cheap ones.

I can flip 'em back to front. It's my party trick.

-What you ask her about that for? -Um, Connor's mum said--

I should've told you about underwear time ago, you know, babe.

-It's just that-- -I told you to tell her numerous times.

-What is wrong with my boobies? -They droop.

No, don't be out of order, dar. They're like earrings.

No, earrings dangle. Her tits droop.

'Cause you're always running for the bus.

You are and when you do, I worry.

I think to myself they're gonna be scraping the floor in half a decade.

All any man wants is cooked meals and good boobs.

Yeah. and if not good boobs, four of 'em.

Tell me about it.

"Babes, I been thinking about a threesome, you know."

-They all want a threesome. -Yeah, but never with John or Mark.

Yeah. No, no, 'cause they're biblical names.

'Cause they're guys!

Listen, if I said to any straight man,

"Let's find another guy on 3zup and I'll wiggle my clit

while you two kiss each other," he'd die instantly.

He'd die instantly, yeah! And I would laugh at, like, his funeral.

Imagine... if he didn't even know what 3zup was!

Hey, Esther, like, what would we say then...

over his grave, like, to explain what it was?

Oh, bless. If you're looking for a threesome,

you can find two other people who are also looking,

or one other if you're a couple.

3zup.

-It's an app. -Thank you, Esther.

Yeah, why is a threesome with a man so ridiculous,

but one with a woman so obviously possible?

[Kristy] As long as she's uglier than me, I don't mind.

[Karly] Ugly, pretty. I'm fine with my cockatoo.

Yeah, why do I have to like another girl's breasts

just 'cause I like my own?

Exactly, you've got a dick, it don't mean you want one for dinner.

I have to say that I am partial to a bit of cunt.

[women laughing]

-Nan! -Just as a starter.

About 1965, I was 16,

and me and the swim coach were the last to leave.

She leans over and kisses me on the lips, all of a sudden.

Right on the street, down there. Round the corner.

3Zup, I got a message.

Sasha. She's kinky, experimental, 26, bi.

I don't understand.

She was saying, "Hi, greetings, I'm Sasha," not "Bye."

Anyway, she looks nice. She's eating soup in her picture.

That's nice. She likes Buzzfeed, doodling and kale chips, yeah?

She's nice. I'll pick this one.

Then she pulled up my skirt, she kneeled down...

saliva'd on my vaginals,

and injected her middle finger up as far up it as it would go...

"Meet you at location, EG hotel!"

You know what? I'm gonna make it happen.

...and pumping it back and forth in me pum.

I carry that night.

[cellphone beeps]

That was quick. Three-way sex. "Yay," she said.

I'm going to have a threesome to get my twosome.

Sometimes, you've gotta do what you got to do, innit?

Yeah, yeah.

♪ Gonna bang him He's gonna bang me ♪

♪ Gonna lose my virginity ♪

♪ I'm 24, tits are saggy But tits times two means he's happy ♪

-Here we go. 3zup. Ay, ay. -What are you doing?

Just itching my leg, yeah. I think I got bitten by something.

A unicorn is a single girl willing to have a threesome

with a straight couple.

They're so rare, they're called unicorns.

And I found one.

Not 'cause of luck, no,

but because when I want something I go out there

and I grab the unicorn by its horns and that unicorn is mine.

No joke. I even got a hotel for 14 pounds!

Why aren't I on The Apprentice or someth--

Here, pound to spare?

I've got to feed my kid. I'm not a druggie, I swear.

No, sorry.

Actually, I'm lost. I'm looking for 48 Ferndale Road.

-It's here. -No, I'm looking for flats.

Oh, Airbnb?

Yes...

I'm Doreen. We've been messaging. I'll take you in.

That's... that's a butcher's.

Yeah, it's out the back.

[porno music]

[flies buzzing]

[Tracey] Um...

Look, uh...

it looks really different to the pictures online.

[Doreen] Well, what do you want to do? 'Cause we don't do refunds.

Where's the bathroom?

You said you wanted a room, not two.

If you want two I can try and sort it out, but it'll be another--

No, no. It will be fine.

-What do you want it for, anyways? -A threesome.

The usual. Right. There's a couple condoms in the corner.

You might have to sift through the used ones.

Thank you!

But if you want a fresh one, that's an additional charge.

Yeah, yeah, thank you. You know why?

Because it's dirty, and I'm dirty, not pure.

Planned this.

I planned it. I planned all of this.

All of this.

Dirty. Love it.

[whimpers]

Forgive me.

[gasps]

[Sasha] OK, that's her. Stop.

I said stop.

Jeez, Louise. They say it's next door...

the amount of traffic in between

makes it feel like Surrey is on a different continent.

Nice to meet you, Tracey, I'm Henry.

You all right, Henry?

So, the other guy is Caucasian, right?

'Cause he looked Caucasian in the photo.

Please, darling, just keep an eye on your purse this time.

Not outside the privacy of our own home, OK?

This one's my friend.

But what about the other black people at the party?

Dad, you can get out of my life now.

Have fun, darling. Don't drink too much.

We're not paying for your stomach to be pumped again.

I'm not listening!

-Bye. -Bye.

[engine revving]

You all right, unicorn?

Sorry, these are literally really good, like, I couldn't hear anything.

So, the guy other guy is white, right?

Yeah.

Tracey, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm already wet.

Not you, not you.

Ugh! Oh, no, no, yuck. Disgusting.

Father, forgive me yet guide me.

[computer pings]

Ooh.

Hello? Can you hear me?

[whispers] Can you see me?

Yes. Why did you have to be so beautiful?

Oh, dear.

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing my favorite greenbl--

can you angle the camera at your penis?

Uh-oh, you've got pants on.

I'm going to have to go now.

[man crying]

I'm gonna kill myself!

Oh, right.

-[Tracey]Ready? -Yeah.

Surprise!

Why we here? What's that?

Uh, she's a unicorn.

Eh?

She wants to have sex with both of us at the same time for free.

Eh?

Ah!

What's her name?

-Uh, it's, uh, Sasha. -Sasha. Yeah?

-Yeah. -Fuck. Why here?

Because... I like it dirty.

Mm-hmm.

Hello, sex scenes from 12 Years A Slave entering my mind

via my vagina as we speak.

Hey, bro. Sasha.

Hello.

Can we... can we talk, please?

Yeah. Sasha, can you put your...

Thanks.

-What's up, babe? -Well...

first things first, the unicorn's got leprosy.

No, she... it's just a scratch.

No, nah, I ain't on it.

[Sasha moaning]

Ah.

Oh, shit.

Ah!

Ah!

I suppose I developed a kind of numbness to it all,

[sobbing] the loneliness,

living my life through this stupid screen,

watching girls like yourself.

That's incorrect. I'm not a part of that group of women, so...

You're the only person in my life.

Please don't go! Don't go, don't go...

[man sobbing]

Who's in there with you?

No one, I'm just trying to look for a way out of the conversation.

[together] Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't know you liked girls.

I don't, I don't.

Hey! Mm, Sasha, we are so buff.

But, oh, that's-that's your hands on my... OK.

Oh, you're takin' it...

but what if I don't want to? I might not want...

-Too late. There goes me bra. -Ooh, yeah!

[Sasha pants]

Those are nice. It's very tweakable nipples.

Where did you get those from?

Hey, hey, your bra, put it back on.

-What? -Put your bra back on.

-OK. Yes. -Hide your boobies.

You're supposed to be helping me lose my v-reg, not your v-reg.

-Supposed to be helping me, blad. -OK.

[Tracey] What kind of unicorn are you?

Hey... hey!

What?

My Dad's not coming till the morning.

-Henry. -OK, my love?

Yeah, yeah, which means we've got all night, yeah?

-Yeah? -OK, yeah, yeah. All right.

By the way, I have cold sores.

-Do you really? I didn't... -Yeah.

-Dodge the face. -Oh! Ooh!

I can't--I can't lie, this is... this is a bit hot.

Why don't you come on in here, bro?

Oh, all right.

Don't you have a family?

I used to but, um...

now they hate me.

Aw! I've been where you are.

My sister acts like she doesn't like me

but I know that I'm her greatest friend.

The last time I saw my sister, I was on my knees and I cried.

Then she threw a ham sandwich in my face!

OK, no, not quite the same then, we don't eat pork.

[Sasha moans]

Not so pure now, am I?

-Aah! -No.

No, you've always been a dirty bitch.

Sorry, one second. First of all, I'm not a bitch, OK?

Second of all, you said I was too pure to penetrate.

I never said that!

Yeah, all right, just chill out, yeah? Just chill out!

Yes, you did. That's the whole reason I got the unicorn in the first place.

Unicorn? That sounds fun. What is that, like, a cowboy thing?

-Yeah! Yeah, something like this. -Argh!

Look, Connor, you didn't want to have sex before,

and now you wanna have sex, the only difference is her.

Look, I know I've dangly boobs, OK?

Is it my boobs? I'm gonna buy a bra with a wire.

-I'm gonna buy the wire bra, yeah? -[Sasha] Oh, I love them.

-Argh! -Ooh.

Oh, no.

[Sasha choking]

I think I should go.

No, no, no, you just cry right there.

You look so beautiful when you cry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-Are you scared? -Yes.

Would you like to touch yourself a little bit while you cry?

-No. -Fine, I'll just wank one out.

What... what?

I'll jump off, and when I go blue,

and can no longer hold on to my dick,

scream "Stop."

Wha-what? I don't understand...

One, two,

three.

[man sputters]

Stop! STOP!

[gasps]

Ah! That was great!

That was fucking great,

wasn't it?

Again. Now. Yeah?

Argh!

[moaning]

-Go on, then, you've got one. -You've got a dick.

Do you know what to do with the next man's dick, Connor?

You, Lupita.

Who?

Don't worry, bro, would never have left you out.

You get the big one.

Thank you.

-What's it for? -I don't know!

Obviously I don't know.

Ah, I'm losing my boner.

It's not the spoons, is it?

I just...

over the last couple of months I keep getting this

"don't fuck up, don't fuck up" thing in my head, and then I just...

oh, I just lose it.

Mm-hmm. OK.

Oh, nope. Yeah, not that, Sash.

Jesus Christ! Come up. Can I talk to you?

Can I...? Normal conversation, please. Great.

Thanks.

Look, my boyfriend, he can't get it...

Oh, erectile dysfunction?

No, no, definitely not.

-Let's use toys. -I just wanted him to bust my vulva.

Hey, hey, hey,

you escaped Michael Fassbender, this is yet another struggle to overcome.

Sasha, who are all these people?

Tracey, look at the gays, OK?

Bum sex is rarely the order of the day.

They do loads of other shit, they use loads of other bits.

Stop making his dick the center of sex.

Dick-centric sex sucks.

Um...

no, no. I don't want that.

♪ Jesus, you are the only one ♪

She can do it.

Jesus.

[groans]

It's just the two of us now, babe.

Just relax.

OK.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

That's actually, uh, something else. That's quite nice.

Um, ooh.

-Connor? -Yeah?

What do I do if I need to fart?

[Connor mumbles]

I'm just aware of how close you are to my bum...

oh, oh.

[moaning]

-Tracey, I'm still hard. -Yeah?

-Oh! -Yeah. Shall we do it?

Oh, OK, yeah.

You're beautiful.

OK, I think I'm ready.

-Ow! Ow! -Aah!

What? That was just the tip.

Oh, my God. Just do the thing with the tongue.

Please just do that again. That's very nice. I like that one.

Fair enough.

[Sasha] Guys, you sound so hot right now.

[Tracey] Oh, Sasha, chill, man.