Original subtitles

-Now, sis! Do it! Do it now. Do it! -All right!

You all right? Hey, you're gonna pop [indistinct].

-[Kristy] What're you doing? -[indistinct], look at her.

If I had £1,000, I'd buy Brazilian yaki hair like Beyonce,

a lip reduction, red velvet cupcakes...

probably a dustpan and brush for this place.

I mean, look at it, it's boring, there's not even crime here.

It's like some fake-ass estate, it's like Diet Cola. It's diluted.

Forget the dustpan,

I'd buy a train ticket and I'd just get out.

Yeah, 'cause I'm tryin' to be something worthwhile while I'm alive,

you know what I mean?

And these brick walls, they're dragging me back, man.

Yeah, I'm like a rose trying to grow out of mud.

I was born a big thinker, I'm very wise.

You know, my mind is bare agile. I'm fast, you know what I mean?

Got my ear to the ground, so I'm alert at all times.

Tracey!

I ain't even bein' vain...

Off we go.

I just am special.

Tracey!

Just keep breathing. Has your thing popped?

-What? -Idiot, man.

All right, let's go and have a look.

-[cop 1]It's fucking non-sense. -[cop 2]Those bastards...

[speaking gibberish]

I'm a bit busy right now, you know.

Oh!

♪ Life ain't so great, yeah There'll be dots in the mud ♪

♪ And life ain't honey For any one of us ♪

♪ If ever you're in doubt Just get your wings out ♪

♪ It's all right, darling Get your wriggle on ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

-Anything else? -Uh, no, just the salad, thanks.

-Is that-Is that Brazilian? -I don't know.

I'm not even sure. I've lost count.

They've practically got their own wardrobe.

It looks real.

Thank you. Wait, Tracey!

We went to the same school. I was a couple years below you.

Meisha?

Oh. Yeah, you all right?

The big boss has me running out buying coffees and salads

every five minutes.

-Wha-what do you-- -Oh, what don't I?

Personal assistant to the boss, marketing manager, sales exec,

no sleep,

but there are a shitload of perks.

I don't like sleazy Stacey, I like chocolate Tracey.

I wanna lock her in the boot of my car.

I wanna drive her beyond the most distant star.

-Good hat. -This is my boyfriend, Connor.

-Si. -You two look very cute together.

I mean, it's quite a new relationship.

-What are you doin'? -My mum wants it.

Uh... so, uh, Connor, what is it that you do?

We were just talking jobs and stuff.

-I'm a poet. -Ha!

Waste-man? I've been there.

[Meisha laughs]

Listen, my boss is holding a recruitment drive for the sales team,

you should go down there, you were always really nice.

Here.

[whispers] See ya.

"Winsley Cosmetics."

Bye.

-Why? -Police raided George the Giant's flat.

'Left the door open, innit? So we cleaned up.

But why were these in his flat?

So this is why you couldn't cover my shift?

Yeah.

I'm gonna glue them together and make a big one.

I had to get my sister in.

Cynthia?

Next, please.

Yeah, she'll be all right.

[together] Yeah.

I mean, 'cause I don't know if I can go back, you know?

Now I know I could go places, if I--well, if I get it.

Oh, of course you will, babe,

that's why Meisha wants you at the perfume recruitment today.

Yeah, but she's not the big boss, you know, the big boss, he's, like...

he's big.

-All right, I'll see you later. -Where are you going?

-To the recruitment. -You gotta change, you silly bugger.

I am changed. This is what I'm wearing.

[sirens wailing]

Welcome to Winsley Cosmetics. How are you doing, madam?

Would you like to try this nice perfume?

This is actually our latest release, yeah.

Your husband will love this one. Mine does.

Welcome to Winsley Cosmetics.

Whew!

Hi, welcome to Winsley Cosmetics.

Would you like to try this?

He-hello, ma'a-- Perfume! Perfume!

OK, so, um, what we try to do at Winsley

is, um, create an inviting atmosphere for the clients.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hello, welcome to Winsley Cosmetics.

Your husband will love me, mine does.

-No, I said that wrong. -Uh... Uh...

[clears throat]

-What is it? -Perfume.

The brand?

Oh, yeah. N, uh...

yeah, it's called, uh, "Yoonami Yodepumpum."

-Ennemis Hairont. -Yeah-me-hoho-yodo-poof-um-yum.

-Ennemis Hairont-- -Oh, my God!

You ain't even saying the whole thing, though.

"Ennemis Hairont eau de parfum."

Look, no one in this country is gonna buy this.

If it don't say perfume, how they gonna know it's perfume?

Good point.

-I'll, um... I'll make a note of that. -Cool.

Uh... oh! A note to big boss?

Yeah, you tell him Tracey said it.

We'll be in touch.

Smashed it.

Fuck 'em, Jesus!

I macked him in the ass, stuck his cock in my fuckin' ear.

Devil talks to me.

Grog in my Jesus cock ear.

I rinkeedink goo.

I worship Satan.

-Saboo! -I will fear no evil.

Mary is a whore of Joseph...

-[Cynthia] And your staff will comfort me. -and God is a whore.

-Jesus Christ, hallelujah! -And Satan burned him...

-darkness of the fire legion. -The blood of Jesus washes over this shop.

-Get away from me! -Legion! I am many!

-Get away from me! -I am many!

Why would anyone have this many dildos?

This is a business opportunity. Everything is worth a profit, yeah?

I'm employed by Winsley Cosmetics.

We are selling this smelly cow dung in a box,

and people with fully working nostrils are buyin' 'em.

-So? -So sell 'em.

-To who? -These lot! Yeah.

Have a girls' night, invite every woman on the estate,

do all the pink stuff.

-Some of them ain't fresh. -They're used. They're second-hand.

What? They ain't that bad, are they?

-Wow! -Yeah, AA batteries and STIs included.

[Tracey] OK, well,

as a business woman, I can give you a business model.

OK? Follow.

You, the seller, have a problem. 150 dildos with BO.

Seller-buyer problem, OK?

Now what I could do is go around the houses with footsie

analyzing and diagrams,

But what I propose to you... is this.

Let's give the people what they want, OK?

It's an alternative penis, and the most effective way...

to solve getting rid of the smell of the penis...

is to wash them.

Whew!

I feel like I just wasted two minutes of my whole life,

and I can't get 'em back.

Ew! Ugh...

-Meisha! -Wow, Tracey! Um, why are you here?

-I was in the area. -Oh, OK.

But we normally wait five to seven working days

before we get back to people--

I just wanted to know, should I start buying clothes, like, what you wear?

'Cause this is beginning to feel like a lucky charm, you know 'I mean?

OK, um, would you say that working in sales is unnatural for you?

Meisha, you know that I used to work in a corner shop.

Look, I can't do Wednesdays, I'm project managing a dildo.

OK. Unfortunately, you haven't been selected for the next phase.

Thank you so much for your offer, really,

but I'm going to have to decline.

I'm sorry, I'm just looking for something a bit more...

good luck, though, and thank you.

-You can go. -Um, but I work here.

-I don't care. -No, but I'm an employee.

Go over there, then.

There.

Well, I thought you definitely stood out,

which is, you know...

important.

But they're going to hire the daughter of the boss' friend,

they always were.

I don't know why they even bother with recruitments,

it's all about who you know, you know?

-Yeah, well, I don't know anyone. -Yeah, stepping stones and all that.

So listen, you up for coming to a work thing tonight?

Posh do, swarming with execs, worth your time?

-No, I didn't get the job. -Yeah, yeah... I'll sneak you in.

Stepping stones and all that.

Will big boss be there?

Well, uh, I dunno if he'll be down with this kinda shit

but, yeah, he'll be there for defs.

So what do we say? Is that enough?

-Well, what's that for? -Mainly cocaine.

I think Ned and Harriet are partial to a bit of MDMA,

a bit of the old mud-mer, so chuck that in for good measure,

but mainly the cocaine, and what's your number?

-My phone? -Yeah, yeah.

My old dealer got arrested or murdered, or something.

It's really quite sad, and quite inconvenient, but, hey...

Your old dealer?

Oh, fuck a dog, my suit's ready. Look, gotta dash.

Great work today.

Here's my card. See you at krunk o'clock.

Yeah, OK.

He give me the cash, and now, I think I've got a drug seller.

So you'll be their new friend with the cocaine?

Yeah.

Now, can I just carry it in my bag, or should I eat the cocaine

and then poo it out when I get to the hotel?

I've seen that on TV.

I don't know. I don't do cocaine, I'm black.

Oh, you don't know Noah? I've heard he's a drug lord.

No one knows Noah. That's why he's called that.

He's a mystery, bruv.

OK, well, you know what, I'll just pop down there.

"Pop down?" This isn't a Minimart, you know.

He's gangster, he's got tattoos all over his face, blad.

This innocent Bangladeshi immigrant, you know,

he had this Pizza Palace leaflet, he put it through his letter box.

-Do you know what he did to him? -Yeah, I'm already terrified, Candice, OK?

-I'm already terrified! -He ate the nose off his face.

I understand, OK?

I've come this far, if I stop now, I mean, I might as well die.

If I'm not back by midnight, call the police.

And tell my mother I love her.

That I was trying to live the life she dreamed of,

that I was just trying to step on the stones.

No. No, you're not goin' alone.

-I'm coming with you. -Thank you.

Listen, bitch! We tell 'im what we want, and we never look him in the face.

Keep your eyes to the fucking floor, Trace.

-No, not now. -Sorry.

This man is a beast.

He can and will kill you where you stand.

Banoffee's always a hit and miss, so if you don't like it--

-Noah, this is superb. -I'll show you, it's my own recipe.

Shut up!

Excuse me, sir? Can we have the drugs, please?

Oh, gosh! Have I not?

Noah, you're lovely.

What the hell?

I know, blad. And he's giving me the recipe.

Right. Cocaine in here.

MDMA in here. Speed and MDA.

'Cause you've both been a treat.

Come on, come on, come on. Please! Let's go!

You bet. Oh, excuse me. Who's this? Ah.

-Yeah, talk to me. -Hey, Josh, I'm outside.

[whistles]

Excuse me, excuse me.

No, not too much, you bell-end.

You don't want any, do you?

Nah, nah. No, I had some for breakfast and lunch.

-I am, I'm stuffed. -Sweet. Sweet.

Yeah.

Ah! Pleasure doing business with you.

A toast to our new working relationship?

Oh, OK. I mean, I haven't actually seen big boss yet.

Who's going to give me my hours, you know, like...

I've already told Meisha that I'm doing a dildo thing--

It's not going to happen overnight, is it?

Stepping stones and all that.

Oh, Tracey, I am fucking pumped.

-Chin-chin. -Um, yeah, OK.

Yeah.

Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm!

That is disgusting.

You've finished the whole thing.

Uh...

there's a little bit of backwash, if you, uh... if you want it--

Oh, fuck all the dogs.

Yes, well, I didn't know there was anything in there,

so it was totally, like, not my fault.

-Not mine neither. -[Josh] No, no...

-And the dogs. -and, er, stepping stones.

Stepping stones.

-Well, it was very nice to meet you. -I like you. I will...

-Get out. -She drank the whole thing.

Yeah! Yeah, OK, then, I'll come with you guys.

Sexy ladies, queens, princesses, you are about to experience

the night of your fucking lives, better than any Ann Summers party.

[people cheering]

A special presentation.

Wooh!

Well, ho-ho-ho, it's fucking Christmas.

Oh, Jesus!

-Do you wanna get this done? Perfect. -Yes.

Meisha!

-Tracey. You're here as well. -Yeah.

-Why? -It's hot in here. Josh snuck me in.

Josh? I thought you had a boyfriend.

Yeah, um... I do.

My mouth is dry.

Oh, I bought Josh the cocaine.

Isn't that how you got the job as well?

-No. -I have...

I think I've been a bit silly.

Well, that's disappointing.

Meisha, I just wanted it so badly. I was desperate, yeah?--

-Tracey-- -I was desperate, Meisha.

People like us, we have to be twice as alert.

Opportunities are never just gonna be handed to us on silver sp...

What are you doing?

Have you taken something?

[gasps] OK, come with me, you need to get out of here.

Oh!

It's big boss. Yeah.

Big boss.

Fuckin' hell, I'll tell you what, I've had more fake orgasms

than I've had Cornish pasties.

And I've had a lot of Cornish pasties.

Honestly though, most times, I just wanna be alone and ride pillow.

-Ride it, ride it, ride it. -Ride it.

Hey, the worst one, yeah, is,

"How many times did I make you come?" Like, make me?

Yeah, yeah, as if they give it to you.

I mean, I might climax if you stop generically pounding

my ass like hammer on a nail.

Some of the stuff I've seen men get off on,

I'm like, "Are you fucking delusional?"

They are delusional. They are.

"Ah, baby, are you gonna squirt for me one day?"

Them bitches in them videos are pissing, it's just piss.

-Like actual urine. -Oh, wow!

[Ola] Them girls are lucky,

my fudge is as dry as a fucking Ryvita.

Nan!

[ladies laughing]

Where there are no goals, there is no hope.

Where there is no future, there is no future.

Winsley Cosmetics is the future and I am so proud of...

Yeah.

I'm Tracey and I wanna say a few words.

I used to wanna be in you lot's gang...

but now I see this lifestyle for what it really is.

It's just greed.

It's just money.

I mean, wouldn't you rather have friends and people that love you, I would.

Instead of a bunch of people who judge me.

I mean, none of you know what I am capable of.

None of you know me, you just think you do.

And it's pathetic the way you judge me. It's pathetic.

But at the same time, I do really feel like we really get on.

[speaking gibberish]

[speaking gibberish]

Oh, big boss.

Eebeeboh! Oh, wow!

-[Tracey] Wow! -Oh, my God!

-[Meisha] Tracey -Mm?

Tracey, Tracey.

You're having a bad trip.

There's gonna be an attack,

Uh, there's gonna be a terrorist attack, the biggest--

Listen to me because this is important. It is not the Muslims.

It's the people of Scotland.

But all the CCTV is in the mosques, so we're never gonna catch them.

No, you need to get a cab.

Kiss me.

You did it!

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the highlight of the evening.

Candy's chocolate cockatoo!

[ladies cheering]

Whoo!

Jesus!

Yes! Oh, my God!

What's wrong with you? They're used, man?

-They're used? -Ugh!

-Argh! Argh! -What a shame!

-Are you taking the piss? -I want my tenner back.

Stick your dildo.

An absolute shame.

-Disgusting. -Disgusting.

[man] Can you imagine it?

Seriously.

[Tracey] Home!

Wow!

It's like a palace.

It's tall.

Bricks!

[gasps] Stairs.

Stepping stones!

You're amazing.

Oh, you guys are so, so amazing.

Mummy.

[operatic music]

I love you.

I know I've never said that before, but...

I do.

Mamacita.

[gagging]

[muffled] Fuckin', how romantic.

[humming]

[speaking gibberish]

-Keegmay innasseety. -Keegmay, keegmay, keegmay. Keegmay.

[speaking gibberish]

Satan will not prevail.

Oh, minions of Satan, I command you, leave her.

-Exit her! Erupt through her mouth. -So slee--

Leave her body, exit! Erupt through her mouth.

Hallelujah, hallelujah--

[Tracey retches]

Out, vile demon.

That's nice.

[speaking gibberish]

There we go. Yes.

-OK, bye-bye. -Bye-bye.