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1
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,640
I always thought that white people
were bad kissers and it's not their fault,
2
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,440
it's just that they've got really
small lips and they can't embrace
3
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,360
the-the challenge of lips like mine
and then they try and compensate
4
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,800
for the lack of lips with the tongue
and then the tongue ends up
5
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,680
everywhere, just flapping about,
you get my drift? But Connor, he...
6
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:22,640
[metallic clank]
7
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,640
Hi. You all right?
8
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:38,520
Huh!
9
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,120
-Ahhh!
-Ah! Connor!
10
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,840
[Tracey mumbles]
11
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,680
♪ Life ain't so great yeah ♪
12
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,760
♪ There'll be dots in the mud ♪
13
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,720
♪ And life ain't HollywoodFor any one of us ♪
14
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,720
♪ If ever you're in doubt ♪
15
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,760
♪ Just get your wings out ♪
16
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,080
♪ It's all right darlingGet your wriggle on ♪
17
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,000
♪ Somewhere else ♪
18
00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:11,640
[Candice] He ain't your boyfriend.
19
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,560
-What's his name?
-Connor.
20
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,480
Full name.
21
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:15,480
Connor grabbed my left boob.
22
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:16,400
Does he have a job?
23
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:18,160
Without dropping the left boob,
he went for the right.
24
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,320
Why does it matter if he's got a job?
25
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,680
-Does Connor have a girlfriend?
-Yeah, me.
26
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,000
-You ain't even met his dick yet.
-Well, yeah, I have, so...
27
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,240
-What's it like?
-It's big.
28
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,160
-How big?
-If he, if he, if he put it up me, yeah,
29
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,600
it could've come through, up,
like, out my mouth, yeah,
30
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,400
and then, like, just tied a knot
around itself and like strangled itself
31
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,200
till it was dead.
That's how big... it was.
32
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,040
Real talk.
33
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,040
All right, tell me this, yeah?
Is he circumcised?
34
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:50,440
[sighs]
35
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:54,320
-What's his door number?
-Er, it's-it's... number twen--
36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,880
-11!
-11, that's what I said.
37
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,520
You have no idea how to make
a man your boyfriend.
38
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,120
Pall Mall's, please.
39
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,760
My son nicked all mine,
fucking wayward bastard.
40
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,960
-Er, menthol, please.
-Oh, sorry.
41
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,960
-All right?
-You all right, man.
42
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,320
Do you hear Karly Raven
got pregnant by a Somali?
43
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,680
Ten pack, please.
44
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,360
Yeah, one of them pirate-looking
Somalians from Brick Lane.
45
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:22,880
They look like pirates.
46
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,760
Oh, er, you-you can't...
Sorry, thef-theft is not allowed...
47
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:29,680
Excuse me?
48
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,000
I ain't theft-ed a thing.
I pay my way, I just...
49
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,120
I just came in here asking for a bloody
packet of Pall Malls!
50
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,280
No, it's 'cause there's, there's cameras
now, innit?
51
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:39,640
Is there?
52
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:43,560
[Lady] They new?
53
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:44,800
Oh!
54
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,440
Fair enough, then.
55
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:48,880
Are Somalians black?
56
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,680
I've never been too sure.
57
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,120
I suppose, there's various
different types of black.
58
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,560
Somalis look a bit mixed
race, but, like...
59
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,320
something went wrong.
60
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,560
OK, see you on the estate.
61
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,720
What a prat. Why is she jacking baby food?
62
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:08,160
[chuckles] I know.
63
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,040
You should see her son.
64
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,040
Is it? Who's her son?
Who's her son, tell me.
65
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,000
Connor.
66
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,560
Dating is never easy and can oftenthrow up a lot of problems...
67
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,600
Agents of Satan, we shan't be swayed.
68
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,960
Promising to hook you upwith whomever you fancy,
69
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,520
whenever you fancy it.
70
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,040
But how do you get beyond that first date?
71
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:33,720
Ugh!
72
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,240
-What's on your mind, dear?
-Er, no-nothing.
73
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,360
-Maybe you're pregnant.
-Eh?
74
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,360
Huh? What nonsense!
75
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,080
Roland is a man of God.
76
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,120
-Maybe he's not the father.
-Oh, shut up!
77
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,960
-Shut-shut down and reboot. Shut down.
-Shut up!
78
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,640
Hey! Hey! Hey!
79
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,520
How is my future son-in-law?
80
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,400
God strike me down now!
81
00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,360
[thud]
82
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,040
Yeah, yeah, he's really good.
83
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,120
Hmm.
84
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,520
Next up. From first date to forever.
85
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,720
How to make the man of your dreams...
86
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,200
-Hmm. That would be Connor.
-Your boyfriend.
87
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,080
We asked three of London's mostsought-after relationship gurus.
88
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,520
The gurus.
89
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,160
Yeah, I'll just ask them as well, innit?
90
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,640
If he wants to put it in your bum,
just breathe through it.
91
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,720
Don't start panicking,
saying it hurts, 'cause he will dump you.
92
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,920
Don't be there primarily
as a function or role.
93
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,600
Ebony, Mahogany, stop it,
or I'll put you into fucking foster care!
94
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,720
...a field of conscious presence.
95
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,800
-I like that.
-Eckhart Tolle.
96
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,600
-What's he in Star Wars?
-No.
97
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,840
I think Dark Knight needs his feed.
98
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,040
-Aw! Dark Knight, is that a nickname?
-[both] No.
99
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,040
Swallow it through the hard times.
100
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,320
-Persevere.
-My mother always says,
101
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,520
those who enjoy their coffee black,
tend to love the taste of semen.
102
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,880
Field of conscious presence
103
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,680
and support him, impress him, be strong.
104
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,880
You're fuckin' jokin'.
Don't be a jobsworth.
105
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,480
It's just baby food.
106
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,560
Uh, uh... no.
[stammering] I just came for Connor.
107
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:21,080
Oh, great! You can help me take a photo.
108
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,280
[dog barking]
109
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,520
So, is Connor home?
110
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,560
No, no, no. Yeah, yeah.
Come on, let's just-let's just do it.
111
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,720
Oh, it's nice to have a BFF
to do this stuff with.
112
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:45,120
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Um, I'm actually here for Connor.
113
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:46,760
It feels a bit weird
talking to you about this stuff.
114
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,000
No, no, no, don't be silly.
Come on, tell your girl.
115
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,280
I'm sort of, trying to move
things past casual.
116
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,440
Nice! You'll gonna have a task
and a half there, though.
117
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,840
He's never had a girlfriend.
118
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,720
What... never?
119
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,440
I suppose he's waiting
for the perfect one, who knows?
120
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,000
-Uploading.
-Ooh!
121
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,360
Thanks for this.
122
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,400
You putting that on the internet?
123
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,000
Yeah. They say you're more
likely to get someone
124
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,320
if they know what you look like.
125
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,720
What is it, like, match.com?
126
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,640
Yeah, myfucksoulmate.co.uk
127
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,040
You look nice.
128
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,760
You look nice.
129
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,160
[Tracey] Um...
130
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:41,000
Oh, uh. Yeah, I'll... Uh, I'll do it.
131
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,520
Ooh, tangled. It's fine.
132
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,480
-It's kinda tricky.
-Ow! No, it's my, um, so...
133
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:50,440
[chuckles]
134
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,440
I wanna be your field
of conscious presence.
135
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,320
What do I take off first?
My bra or my skirt?
136
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,520
-Do you wanna take any of it off?
-No.
137
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,000
-Well, you don't have to.
-OK.
138
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,600
Ah! Oh, my God, are you all right?
139
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:06,920
-Yeah.
-I'm sorry.
140
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:07,880
It's fine.
141
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,640
-Ahhh!
-Sorry, sorry.
142
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:11,600
It's all right, it's all right.
143
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,760
I don't know what I'm doing.
144
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,840
-What's wrong?
-I don't know what I'm doing.
145
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,240
Look, it don't matter. I'll love it.
Just do what you want.
146
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:28,760
[groans]
147
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:33,840
[rapid stroking]
148
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,440
All right, you slow down a bit.
149
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,840
[groaning in pain]
150
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,480
Or less angry.
151
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,320
[moans]
152
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,280
-Trace, Trace!
-[Connor and Tracey scream]
153
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,320
I ain't even finished
completing my profile, right,
154
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,480
and I got a message.
155
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,040
I feel like a teenager again.
Look, he's from Syria.
156
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,160
I mean, authentic, you know,
like, proper Syrian.
157
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,400
-[Connor] Huh.
-How's it going in here, all right?
158
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,000
Yeah. Yeah.
159
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:06,600
I could sign you up to this, you know?
160
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,480
-Oh, er, I am sort of already, er...
-What?
161
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,400
I'm seeing, seeing someone.
162
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:16,120
-Oh, right. Oh, yeah, all right.
-Mum, get out!
163
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,120
Fine.
164
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,040
[Tracey] Um, may we continue, please?
165
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,360
Mmm. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's better.
166
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,880
Sorry, which one is the morning-after
pill please?
167
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,360
Do you want to just
come over here for privacy?
168
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,000
Yeah. I don't... I don't mind. [scoffs]
169
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:44,960
What's your name?
170
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,760
Uh, my name is... Be.
171
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:49,920
How do you spell that?
172
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:51,440
[mouthing]
173
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:52,360
B.
174
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:54,520
E.
175
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:57,600
That's it.
176
00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:58,920
And your surname?
177
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,920
It's Yonce.
178
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:05,960
Was a condom used?
179
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,840
No. No, no, we-we didn't have sex.
180
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,240
Oh, er, his, his cum was very near my...
181
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,400
And they swim, don't they?
182
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,560
The morning-after pill is for women
who have had sexual intercourse.
183
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,600
I don't trust this guy, man.
Do-do you trust this guy?
184
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,240
The morning-after pill is for people
who think there's a chance
185
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,720
of them getting pregnant, actually.
186
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,160
-Well, yes.
-Yes,
187
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:32,960
I'm one of those customers. Hello.
188
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,440
But you didn't have sexual intercourse.
189
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,880
No, no, no, I wanked him.
We was like rubbin' up and that,
190
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,800
and I wanked him,
I started to wank him, so...
191
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,120
I'm-I'm a Christian.
192
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,400
Look, I'm happy to provide--
193
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,560
Hey, hey, look, look, look,
this ain't CSI or somethin'.
194
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,280
I don't why you're interrogating me.
Can you just give it to me? Please.
195
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,920
You know, I-I-I didn't even
see the dick, you know.
196
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,880
I just touched it a bit, yeah.
197
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:01,840
I swear.
198
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,080
Here.
199
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,800
I'm a girl. What am I doing with condoms?
I ain't got a dick.
200
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,720
-Those are for your partner.
-I [stammers] don't know if
201
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:08,720
he's my partner yet.
202
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,840
I haven't-haven't confirmed it.
I'm going to confirm it, like, today,
203
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,640
or next week. I'm going to confirm it.
204
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,440
Why-Why are you shoutin' at me? I...
205
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:15,360
[indistinct]
206
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,040
No! You just...
207
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,080
[indistinct]
208
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:25,840
You are in wheelchair?
209
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:30,040
God will grow your leg back!
From thigh to toe it will return.
210
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,000
The road to hell is wide,
211
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,840
but the road to the Father is narrow.
212
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,720
Keep your genitalia narrow also!
213
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,320
I can't. She said we can't even use
tampons till we're married.
214
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,240
If she knew there was sperm swimmin'
around my... uh, she'd have a stroke.
215
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:48,640
Now...
216
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:53,840
Should I tell Rashad
all my kinks or some of them?
217
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:58,080
'cause, girlfriend, I have this kink
I'm a bit embarrassed about.
218
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,000
Look, jus-just keep it to yourself.
219
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,240
Isn't everyone shy about
that sort of thing?
220
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,640
Thanks, babes.
221
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,600
It's been a long time
since I felt up someone
222
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:07,880
other than myself, you know?
223
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,640
Keep Connor busy tonight, wouldn't ya?
224
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,680
Mandy, I'm sorry about
what happened in the bedroom.
225
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,360
That's nothin', babe.
If I had a penny for every girl
226
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,360
that's hand-pumped his willy,
I'd have a fuckin' yacht!
227
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,160
Er...
228
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,960
You said he-he's never had a girlfriend.
229
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,560
Well, he ain't, but he's got to empty
the trash into somethin', ain't he?
230
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,800
And there's never been
a shortage of friendly girls
231
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,480
to off-load his shit in,
if you know what I mean.
232
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:35,680
[chuckles]
233
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,040
Fornicators!
234
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,360
Film watchers!
235
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,040
Fashionistas!
236
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,200
Single mothers!
237
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,640
A demonic spirit is workin' in your life,
238
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,840
leading you to the gangsters
and witch doctors of Tower Hamlets,
239
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:55,200
giving them the last of your cash
monies for drugs and the disdain.
240
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,800
Big Leish is the queen of voodoo.
241
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,320
[police sirens blaring]
242
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,800
'She made one guy wake upwithout a testicle.
243
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,960
They call her Turkish trader
of Tower Hamlets.
244
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,200
It's hard core.
245
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,920
[lady] Code word.
246
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,400
[Tracey] Hello?
247
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,160
Say the code word, fam.
248
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,160
I don't know. I just need some drugs
to stop me getting pregnant.
249
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,120
Correct.
250
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,320
We [stammers] was just
talkin' on the phone,
251
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,680
about the mornin'-after pill?
252
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:28,640
Shh!
253
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:30,920
Take the seat.
254
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,400
Yeah, looking at the circumstances,
255
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,400
you could definitely be pregnant.
256
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,840
They can indeed swim from the leg
257
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,000
into the vagina,
258
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:48,920
upwards,
259
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,280
like salmon really.
260
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,960
And the father, he is...
I mean, he's never even had a girlfriend.
261
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,000
-Shh-shh-shh!
-I'd be a single--
262
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,400
Western medicine is too expensive,
too many side effects.
263
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:03,440
I can get you original medicine
from my home country
264
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:04,880
at a great discount.
265
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,600
OK, OK, what is it?
266
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,680
Calm down. What did I tell you?
267
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,480
I-I don't know. None of it
makes any sense yet.
268
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:12,880
I told you, "Shush."
269
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,400
There is a plant, Tracey,
270
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,360
found growing on highest
mountain in Turkey.
271
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,440
-Takes about three weeks to ship but--
-I've only got three days.
272
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,280
But, it exists in decent amounts
273
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,200
in a cream I source,
at very reasonable price.
274
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,040
OK, well, how much does it cost?
275
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,440
£1,000. What?
276
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,160
OK, get out, enjoy your baby.
277
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,920
Look, I've only got £15 to my name.
278
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:37,840
Deal!
279
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,240
That's Anusol.
"Effective relief from piles."
280
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,000
Can I have my money back, please?
281
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,520
I'm not even finished, Tracey.
282
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,600
This is for your bum,
and this is Diet Coke.
283
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:04,920
What's your point, fam?
284
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,800
How is this gonna
stop me getting pregnant?
285
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,000
Rub on your belly, nine layers, this.
286
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,720
Drink 12 sips, this.
287
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,520
Two hours before or after,
please make sure you don't swim
288
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:17,920
or touch a hairless animal.
289
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:19,800
This is Anusol.
290
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,560
Han-u-sol!
291
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,240
Different thing in my country.
292
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,840
-It's the same tube.
-Same tube, different thing!
293
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,240
Where are you?
294
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,400
-Tracey.
-I'm busy, sorry.
295
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,400
Trace?
296
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,280
I wrote you something, a poem, obviously.
297
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,080
Don't big-deal it.
Just put it on the page, basically,
298
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,720
'cause it's cathartic and that, basically.
299
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:49,680
[Tracey] Hmm.
300
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,560
"Look, there's a lonely cow
301
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,520
Hey, cow! If I was a cow,
302
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,480
That would be me until I met you
303
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,000
So it therefore ain't me no more."
304
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,680
I love cows.
305
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,520
Uh, what do you think?
306
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,840
I think, it's a lying cow.
307
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,360
Wh-what-what do you mean?
308
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,360
Well, I mean, it's-it's on a farm, right?
309
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,520
There's probably bare cows.
It's not lonely.
310
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,520
This cow is weird
but it's really good-lookin'.
311
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,600
It's got so much milk, the milk's
just swimmin' up the leg of any cow
312
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,760
that would just dare to-to m-moo.
313
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,400
No, no. I'm the cow.
314
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,240
Yeah, I think you're a lying cow.
315
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,800
Yeah, your mum told me about the brothel
316
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,040
of girls in your bedroom,
317
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,760
and how I'm just another one, so
it's just better that I know now, innit?
318
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,000
Mum...
319
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,200
Mum!
320
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,640
-Tracey!
-Don't chase me!
321
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,320
This is not a film.
322
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:49,480
Look.
323
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,240
Oh!
324
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,800
Nine layers.
325
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,600
12 sips.
326
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,720
Dear Our Blessed Saviour,
327
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,080
I need the courage you had
328
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,840
to tell them you were the Son of God.
329
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,680
And I need the strength that you had
330
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,080
to make the switch from R&B
to hip-hop when they doubted you.
331
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:25,640
Amen.
332
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,040
Two, three, four
333
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:33,960
[can pops open]
334
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,040
Got to piss already.
335
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,800
It's-it's-its my period. It's my period!
336
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,960
You got to have faith, yo.
337
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,480
[gasps] He lives!
338
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,000
You fuckin' dickhead.
339
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,040
This is the dumbest thing
you've ever done.
340
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,280
12 sips?
341
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,520
I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead!
342
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,760
You got your period 'cause your period
was fucking due, bruv!
343
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,440
All of this could've been avoided
had you told me
344
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,680
that Connor was a monster.
345
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,160
-He's not.
-Yes, he is.
346
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,320
His mum told me he's got girls
347
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,280
passing through his bedroom
like water through a tap.
348
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,520
He's a grown single man. What's the shame?
349
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,360
-What?
-It's just, it's Ronald.
350
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,960
What's he still messaging you for?
You ain't his business no more.
351
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,000
Well, I'm still his girlfriend.
352
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,360
No, no, he, he's not my boyfriend.
353
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,120
What?
354
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,360
She ain't even broken up with Ronald!
355
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,520
Thanks, they're lovely.
356
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,840
Just leave them in bin.
357
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,480
-It takes more than flowers, Tracey.
-OK.
358
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,280
I shouldn't have to hire a carer.
359
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,920
That's why I have you as my girlfriend.
360
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,080
Yeah, can we talk about that?
361
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,600
Thankfully, I've already forgiven you
for leaving me for dead.
362
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,400
It's the kind of Christian I am.
363
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,720
So let's just try and regain
a sense of normalcy.
364
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,160
OK, well, Ronald,
I want to break up with you.
365
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,800
-Why?
-Wha-- You hate me.
366
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:35,680
So?
367
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,400
I think it's important to not hate
the person you're with, OK?
368
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,160
I think you should just go
and find a girl that you like.
369
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,360
I like you more
than I like all the others.
370
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:44,680
Oh, sorry...
371
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,480
Andy, no, no, come in, please.
372
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:52,680
Look, Ron, Ron. I've met someone else. OK?
373
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:53,760
Ron?
374
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:55,400
Ron, it's over.
375
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,360
OK. Yeah, whatever.
376
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:30,680
Oh.
377
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,120
I'm sorry, Mummy, it was just
never going to work out, OK?
378
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,600
And I know you wanted us
to get married and stuff like that,
379
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,280
but the thing is, Mum,
he'll never love me.
380
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,200
He will never love any girl because he's--
381
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,240
My dear, can I speak now?
382
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:43,760
Yes, Mummy, I'm sorry.
383
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,200
You used wisdom and made a decision.I'm proud of you,
384
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,920
and happy you're OK.
385
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,080
Dinner is here whenever you're hungry.
386
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,800
Cynthia, come and sweep this ting!
387
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,040
[Connor] How come you didn't
buzz me, then?
388
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,520
I put myself on the line for you.
389
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,040
Where are you?
390
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,920
[Connor] You can come to me this time.
391
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,480
I'm in solitude.
392
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:23,600
Ow!
393
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,320
Is that that poem in there?
394
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,000
No.
395
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,280
OK, what's that?
396
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,520
The Bible. Been tryin' to understand you.
397
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,280
-I can see why you like this shit.
-I've never read it.
398
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,680
I went to church since I was born,
so I don't really need it.
399
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,520
See, your past confuses me
the same way mine does yours.
400
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,600
You're not like other girls.
401
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,560
It's not linear with you, you get me?
402
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,360
Can we sit in, like,
your house or something?
403
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,560
Yeah. Come on, then.
My mum's havin' a mate over.
404
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:02,640
Rashad or--
405
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,080
Nah, nah, nah, let's just stay in the bin.
406
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,880
Do you want these? They weren't even open.
407
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,440
All right, go on, then.
408
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,080
Read some.
409
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:21,920
"Give the king thy judgements.
410
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,480
Jesus and the disciples
gave bread to the crowd
411
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,160
and the entire multitude of 5,000
was fed with that small meal."
412
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,880
You didn't say on your profile
that this is what you were into,
413
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,120
-you know what I mean?
-Tummy, please!
414
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,680
[chomping]
415
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,560
Well, don't go all shy. Just get into it.
416
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,520
-I want milk!
-Eh?
417
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,640
Can I suck your tits?
418
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,800
-I can't do this.
-Oh, fuck off!
30961
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