All language subtitles for American Dad s17e18_English

**

For Cultural Appreciation Day,

I'm honoring 4,000 years
of Jewish tradition

by circumcising
this unrealistically long

Hebrew National.

You can see why the ladies think
it looks...better.

(chomp)

**

(girl shrieks)

(shoes clacking)

Wooden click-clack shoes
are the best part

of being Dutch!

But the wooden underwear

gives me splinters
in my nether lands.

You guys are so lucky.

My dad won't tell me
anything about our heritage.

He says being American
is enough.

Really?
I thought that outfit

was some kind of
religious get-up

because you wear it
every day.

And it's really
unflattering.

(sighs)

Everyone has cool
cultural traditions except me.

I don't even know what I am.

Guys!

My arms are from Uzbekistan,

and my legs are
from Thailand.

My right eye is from India,

and my left eye
is from a dairy cow.

Even this monster has
a better sense

of his cultural identity
than I do.

Steve, having friends
who are monsters

doesn't mean you can use
the "M" word.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

Gotta love my peeps!

Wait, Principal Lewis,

Italian food is
part of your culture?

What should I be eating,
Steve?

What should a man with my
physical attributes be eating?

Something from a different
part of the world, perhaps?

A certain continent?

Should I be wearing
a different kind of clothing

while eating it?

Enlighten me, Steve.

What should I be eating?!

Uh...

Deez nuts?

Your silver tongue
has gotten you

out of yet another
scrape, Smith.

(patriotic music plays)

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

**

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

-* Good -- *
-* Good morning, U.S.A. *

Aah!

**

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

**

Dad, check out
my new project.

This isn't another lame
science fair experiment, is it?

No, I-I'm making
a family tree --

No.
I'm talking about this.

All of this.

The simulation.

Uh...no.

I'm making a family tree

so I can find
our family's roots.

So far, all I have is you
and mom, Jack, and your mother.

Oh, a-a-and you have
a brother, too, right?

When it's convenient, yes.

Well, since Mom and Hayley
are out of town,

I was hoping you'd help me
fill in the empty branches.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(flame whooshes)

Dad, what the hell?!

It doesn't matter
where we came from.

We're Americans, the badass
super-people all of humanity

has been evolving to become!

But everyone in school has neat
cultural traditions and stuff!

Cultural traditions?

Amber waves of grain, man.

Purple mountains majesty, man.

America made Bud, Bud Light,
Bud Select,

and don't forget the mistake
at the factory

that graced us with Budweiser:
Oops, All Hops!

You realize you set
my project on fire

and then gave me a speech that
was ultimately about beer, yes?

'Merica.

**

Thanks for agreeing to meet
out here on my new balcony.

I thought it would be nice
to enjoy the fresh air,

be surrounded by my plants.

Did you know "balcony" might be
Latin for "air terrace"?

I actually have a problem
I need to talk out, and --

Let's put a pin in that.

I gotta turn the sausages
on the grill behind you,

but I feel like I won't be
able to fit past the table.

Come on, Roger.

Actually, I'm gonna
put you in charge

of the sausages
since you're closer.

Sausage Steve.

That's how I'll remember it.

-Mnemonic device.
-Roger!

I want to find
my cultural roots,

and Dad's refusing to help!

(sausages sizzling)

Fine, I'll turn
the damn sausages.

That's only one sausage,
Sausage Steve.

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder
how you even got that name.

I looked into taking
a DNA test,

but I'm not old enough.

Who says you have to use
your DNA?

**

(snoring)

The door's not locked.
We can walk right in.

Oh, come on.
I thought we agreed

we were doing
a whole stylized heist thing.

Let's just get my dad's DNA
before we wake him up.

(snoring)

Are you crazy?!

The best DNA
is in the fluids --

saliva, blood, semen.

And I know a way to get
all three at once.

It's called --

We're not doing
whatever it's called.

Okay, then.
Plan "B."

I whisper some really dirty
stuff in Stan's ear.

Like, filthy.

You're down there
with a ziplock baggie,

waiting for nature
to take its course.

Look!

(snoring)

Well, I can still do
my part of Plan "B."

It was a dark
and horny night.

The hospital furnace
was broken,

and the nurses were huddling
together to keep warm.

Did I mention this was
the sex pervert hospital,

Geyser Permanente?

Ohh, God!

**

Mom, thank you so much
for traveling the country

with me to all these Sub Hubs
to narc out bad employees.

And thank you for the free trip
to the Wichita, Kansas!

I haven't seen many witches yet,
but I'll be ready when I do!

Being a secret shopper
is a lot of pressure.

If I don't bust someone,
corporate will assume

that I'm on the take,
and I'll get fired!

Welcome to Sub Hub,
home of the Sub Hub Hub Sub.

Are you a member of the Sub Hub
Hub Sub Grub Club, bub?

Shit, I've never heard
anyone say that right.

(lowered voice)
Stick to your guns.

Ahem. I hope my order's
not too...

complicated, but...

one six-inch on wheat,
two slices of dry turkey,

one slice of wet ham,
half a slice of roast beef,

shredded, four pickles,
two olives,

and exactly the amount
of spicy mustard

you can make from
14 mustard seeds.

Here you go.
Anything else?

Maybe a little help
with closing your mouth?

She touched you!

That has to be
against the rules.

Actually, at Sub Hub, touching
the customer is encouraged.

Everybody living their
best life?

Mwah!
Mwah!

(mop sloshes)

**

Huh.
An e-mail from Farmville

saying I'm the last one playing.

-I guess I win!
-(cellphone chimes)

"Stan Smith, your DNA test
results have been finalized"?

"Click here to learn where
your ancestors came from."

Steve!
Downstairs, now!

-Yes, Papa?
-Does this have something to do

with that powerful
wet dream

I had about that hospital
the other night?

Uh...

Stealing my DNA?
That's fraud!

You signed up for this test.

You delete the e-mail.

All right.

But this link could be
our link

to a whole world
of possibilities.

**

-(bicycle bell dings)
-* We could be Frenchmen *

* With bikes and baguettes *

* We could be Italian
with long cigarettes *

* We could be Vikings
who plunder the sea *

* These are a few
of the things we could be *

Are we allowed to do this?

These are kind of
broad stereotypes.

* We could be Greek guys
in sandals and togas *

* We could be Indian
practicing yoga *

* We could be half Aussie
and half Japanese *

-* These are a few
of the things we could be *
-(boomerang whooshes)

Okay, the boomerang chopsticks
thing was kinda cool.

* We could be Scots *

* We could be Poles *

* We could be Dutch lads *

* If you simply consider
the things we could be *

* All of them seem *

* So rad *

(final flourish plays)

Do you still want me
to delete it?

Of course!
What was that?

You got footprints
all over the couch!

I can't, Dad!
I gotta know!

(gasps)

I am...

100% Canadian?!

Isn't that cool, Dad?!

No!
It's terrible!

Canada's the cheap knock-off
of America.

America is Oreos,
and Canada is Hydrox!

Steve, when you realize how bad
this news is, come comfort me.

I'll be crying feeble
Canadian tears in my study.

(sobs)

I like Canada.

STAN: No, you don't!

**

A real live human being!

I haven't spoken out loud
in days!

Hello, Tuttle.

I'm going door to door
admitting my secret shame --

I'm...Canadian.

Neat!
I'm Tuttle!

That's my secret shame.

-Oh, you got a new flag!
-What the hell?

Hey, Dad! Wanna hear
a Canuck-nuck joke?

That's a Canadian
knock-knock joke.

Canuck-nuck!

(deeper voice)
Who's there?

(normal voice)
This just in.

(deeper voice)
"This just in" who?

(normal voice)
This Justin Trudeau guy

won't stop doing
blackface, eh?

What's with all this
Canada crap?

I've been studying
the traditions

of our Canadian ancestors.

Instead of Dunkin' Donuts,
they have Tim Horton's Donuts.

Instead of milk cartons,
they have milk bags.

And instead of Game of Thrones,
they have Drake,

who sits upon the throne
as king of the rap game.

(tires screech)

Right on time!

Thanks a lot, Steve!

Look, I made Klaus a moose,
the noble Canadian beast.

Ugh!
Look at these antlers!

I'll never wear
a turtleneck again!

(loud crash)

I've been Canadian for
like one day,

and my life is in shambles.

(sighs)
Okay, I give up.

Let's go do American stuff.

How about I make us some
pancakes with maple syrup?

We eat it while watching
Mike Myers movies,

then discuss our favorite
Michael Bublé songs.

Okay, these sound like things
I can get on board with.

Aha!

All those things
are Canadian!

What a dirty trick!

How dare you use pancakes
against me!

-(horse whinnies)
-Excuse me.

I'm looking for Stan Smith.

A DNA test company sent me
to take him on a tour

of his ancestral village,
Smithville, Canada.

Dad!
Get out here!

STAN: Screw you, Steve!
You ruined my life!

-I'm Stan Smith.
-Great, sir!

Hop on up!

This is exciting!

But I hope not too exciting,
or it wouldn't be Canadian.

**

Wow!
Here we are in Sin City!

-It's pronounced "Cincinnati."
-Huh.

Well, either way, this place

has a whole lot
more witches than Wichita.

Mom, focus.
I got a new plan.

Sub Hub wants their cashiers
to push people

to order more stuff
than they want.

It's called "upselling."

But if I can get out of here
with just a bag of chips

and a cup of water,
we'll have someone to write up.

Damn it, they're good!

Meat thief.
Meat thief.

This is my big chance
to make a bust.

-We gotta tail him!
-To the meat mobile!

**

Goddamn witches, man.

Thanks for agreeing to have
this conversation

on my new balcony, Stan.

Fine, whatever.

Unfortunately,
the new bird feeder

I put up seems to be
attracting crows,

but that's balcony life.

(crow caws)

(crow shrieks,
neck snaps)

Did you know "crow" might be
Latin for "air steak"?

Roger! You said you had
important news about Steve!

Oh, yeah, Steve.

I-I saw him ride off
on horseback

with a Canadian Mountie.

Those Canadian bastards!

How am I going to
get him back?

I really started to drag
right around Vermont.

But now that we crossed
the border and I had that

Kind bar,
I feel totally re-energized.

**

All done, my boy.

What do you think aboot
your new jean jacket, eh?

Well, I'm an acid-wash man,
but it'll do.

Silence!
A moose approaches.

Dad!
You came!

Welcome to Smithville,
Canada!

I refuse to be welcomed.

Too late!

'Cause here come your
long-lost relatives.

I'm your cousin Jeffrey, eh!

Uh, don't worry,
that bulge in my jeans

is just a can of Molson.

And I'm your Uncle Carl,
ya hoser!

And this ain't no Molson
in my pocket.

It's a grade-A
Canadian rager!

Aw, look at you!

You're as cute as a beaver
on a hockey puck!

That must be
one tiny beaver.

Hi, I'm Stan.

**

I bet he's stealing
one piece of ham a day

and selling it on eBay.

I bet he's collecting
ham slices

so he can squish them all
together and make a whole pig!

**

An animal shelter?

Told ya he was making a pig.

(dogs barking)

(suspenseful music plays)

(dogs whimpering)

Ugh!

He's just giving food
to needy animals.

I can't bust him for that.

(meat squishes)

(cackles, laughing)

Or, maybe he's a gross pervert.

-(whimpers)
-Freeze, scumbag!

Sub Hub Internal Affairs!

-(spray hisses)
-Aaaaah!

What's that, scumbag?

Did you just say, "Bubble,
bubble, toil and trouble"?

Mom, no!
He's no good to us dead!

**

* O, Stan and Steve *

* This is your native land *

* We welcome you *

* Enjoy the feast at hand *

-(cheering)
-(hockey sticks tapping)

I get it now.

Canada's not a knock-off
of America.

It's our minor leagues!

They test out
a bunch of stuff,

and whenever something's
good enough,

we call it up to the big leagues
of the USA, like Jim Carrey!

-And hockey!
-And lentils!

For real, look it up.

I'm glad you're
coming around, Dad,

but something feels a little
off about this place.

Hey, there.
Can I top you off, yeah?

Wait, milk from a carton?
Not a bag?

A-And this bacon is crispy
American strips,

not floppy
Canadian circles.

I'm sure it's nothing.

But what self-respecting
Canadian would serve

Krispy Kreme doughnuts
instead of Tim Horton's!

First you bug me
about embracing our heritage,

and now that I do, you're trying
to take it away from me?

We Canadians have a word
for that, Steve -- beaver-shit.

(goose call honks)

Listen up, eh!

Let's welcome our two
newest Smiths

with a ceremonial toast
of maple syrup!

(squeaks, drips)

To Frank Zamboni

and his miraculous
ice-smoothing machine!

(gulps)

**

What happened?

Where is everyone?

Oh, we -- we must have been
drugged.

Aaah!

There's a big cut
in my tummy!

Me, too!
Incisions everywhere!

-(thud)
-(groans)

(gasps)

They stole your organs.

Our relatives?

It's all a scam.

The DNA tests you took were
to find matching donors

for their billionaire
clientele.

Wait.
You mean we're not Canadian?

-We're billionaires?
-No!

Your organs are being sold
to billionaires,

just like mine.

-Oh, my God!
-(gasps)

They can take my liver,

spleen, colon,

but they can't
take my dignity!

(head thuds)

(farting)

But we're gonna be okay,
right, Dad?

Of course we are.

Right after I rest
all my muscles at the same time.

(bodies thud)

**

Dad, we can't survive long
missing organs.

We have to get
to a hospital.

Well, hold on, Steve.
There's a silver lining to this.

We both just lost 10 pounds
right before beach season.

(squishing)

Ooh, 11 pounds!

Come on, Dad.
We need to find help.

Let me collect myself.

(inhales sharply, squishing)

(squish, splat)

Huh, guess that's
not gonna stay.

Let's go get that help
you were talking about.

I know just the place.

**

(door bell dings)

-Call a hospital.
-Yeah.

Ever since our organs
were harvested,

I've been feeling
a little sluggish.

One of everything, please.

(exhales weakly)
I can barely breathe.

(exhales)
But maybe this bear claw

could replace
my missing lung.

-(groans)
-(slithers, pops)

(inhales sharply)

Oh, my God!
It's working!

Let me try.

I've lost a ton of blood,
but maybe

if I have a squirt
of doughnut jelly...

(squirts)

Oh, yeah!
Doughnut power, baby!

You know, "honey bun"
kinda rhymes with "intest-tun."

And "maple bar" has the same
number of letters as "butthole"!

(popping)

AUCTIONEER: That's one
42-year-old spleen!

Going once!

Bet you my new maple bar colon

those are our organs
being auctioned in there.

AUCTIONEER:
Going twice!

Sold!

Looks like someone's
some spleenin' to do!

-(TV theme music plays)
-Aaah!

Ahh!

(grunts)

**

STAN: Aykroyd.

Labatt.

Canadian.

Specifics.

Dad, what are you doing?

No, no, no, no!

We never even left the cabin!

Oh, it was all
a hallucination!

(sobs)

This is all my fault.

I shouldn't have
stolen your DNA.

Yes, I'm pretty sure
that's the lesson here.

I don't think I've done
anything wrong.

In fact, I'm heading back to my
Tim Horton's hallucination

for a final doughnut.

That's it!

We'll get help
at a Tim Horton's.

The Canadian Constitution
requires there be one

every 300 meters!

(indistinct conversations)

Is anyone here a doctor?

Our organs have been stolen.

-(door bell dings)
-I'm a doctor.

I'm sorry. You're missing
a lung, a liver, and a colon.

I got an extra lung!

You can have my liver, eh!

Take my colon.
I mostly pee.

Me first!
Me first!

-(scalpel slicing)
-(men screaming, grunting)

They're just giving us
their organs?

Yeah, Dad.

The number-one cause of death
in Canada is friendliness!

(men grunting)

(foghorn blows)

Huh. This is where
the Sub Hub corporate office

told me to wait.

Hello!
I'm Sebastian Hub,

Sub Hub's founder, CEO,
and namesake.

Is that the troublemaker?

-Sir, yes, sir!
-At ease, Ms. Smith.

Thank you for bringing
this degenerate to me.

You're fired!

And you're hired to party
with me full-time

on the Sub Hub Party Sub!

(water splashes)

-(dance music playing)
-(indistinct conversations)

Wait, what the (bleep)
is going on?

Look, it's pretty obvious.

I have a party sub.

I need a bunch of badasses
to party with me.

Rule breakers
are the best partiers,

and you just helped me
find one.

(dance music continues)

But this freak's
into bestiality!

Sounds like
a "party animal" to me!

(klaxon wails)

On the bright side,
he forgot his submarine.

Yeah, his shitty little one.

It doesn't even have
lettuce on it.

That kind of attitude is why
we're not on the party sub.

**

Well, here they are.

My real DNA test results.

This can't be right.

Why?
W-What are we?

W-What's it say?

My credit card was declined.

(door smashes)

Quick!
You gotta hide me!

It's moose season!

Who's hunting you
around here?

(suspenseful
cartoon music plays)

Shh!
Be ve-wy, ve-wy quiet.

I'm hunting mooses.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

(cartoon exit music plays)

Bye!
Have a beautiful time!

-- Captions by VITAC --