Original subtitles

♪ Nothing is holy ♪

♪ Holy, holy ♪

♪ Nothing is sacred ♪

♪ Sacred, sacred ♪

♪ Nothing is holy, holy, holy ♪

♪ Nothing is sacred, sacred, sacred ♪

♪ Nothing is holy ♪

♪ Nothing is, nothing is Nothing is, nothing is ♪

♪ Nothing is holy, holy, holy ♪

Bedtime, now!

♪ When I said it out loud it wasn't as strong as it was in my head ♪

♪ I tried not to think about it, so it came back louder ♪

♪ I think it's been about a year since I became a snob ♪

♪ Decided not to play along, so it grew bigger ♪

♪ Me and my head have become very, very, very close ♪

♪ We decided not to tell you, to tell you about it ♪

♪ We're just gonna play it safe Do what we know ♪

♪ Play it cool, lay it low Not tell you about it ♪

♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪

♪ Me and my superiority complex ♪

♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪

♪ Me and my inferiority contest ♪

♪ I'm not winning, but I'm having a very good time ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me the good time girl ♪

♪ When I said it out loud, it didn't sound as good ♪

♪ I couldn't be as proud as my original thought ♪

♪ I'm not trying to whisper what should be bought ♪

♪ But I can't imagine being out of control ♪

♪ I knocked off the top, my head and I ♪

♪ When I'm all alone but I'm in my prime ♪

♪ Don't want the throne when I'm doing just fine ♪

♪ Just as long as I'm having a real good time ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me the good time girl ♪

OK, we're ready.

Hand me the heart.

You all wanna hear something funny?

This heart belonged to an Egyptian

a Muslim.

Pray!

Have you been praying here all night?

It didn't work

the transplant didn't take.

How do you know?

I don't need to know.

I feel it.

It was not God.

It was the Church.

"Our hatred is concrete

and our enemy is obvious.

It is Iblis.

It is the Christian.

And as the Koran says: I will fill Hell with you all

you and all those after you."

The latest conciliatory words from the Caliph.

A raving lunatic is not a priority of mine.

No, everything is your priority right now

my most eminent Secretary of State.

You've got terrorists at your gates

you've got an overdose of sexual scandals

that democratically touches the entire ecclesiastical hierarchy

and you've got a Pope who's no longer loved

but idolized.

Three failed heart transplants later he's still in coma

so you can't exactly squash the idolatry

and you know all too well how dangerous idolatry is.

Idolatry...

is the prelude to war.

My compliments for your expository clarity.

Thank you for the compliment.

Expository clarity is one of the prerogatives

of an ambassador to the Holy See.

I have often asked myself if you are merely an ambassador

or if you also perform other, shall we say

more delicate roles for governments.

Nine months ago, Pius XIII fell into a coma.

He is still alive but at the same time, he is dead.

You need a new Pope.

Pius XIII is our Pope.

Have you no compassion, no Christian charity?

I don't even know what they are.

In fact, I'm being paid not to have them.

I thought they also paid you never to be moved.

True.

I'm only moved in my free time.

Let me say it again, you need a conclave.

You are moving too fast, Bauer.

The world is moving too fast.

In the Vatican we move at our own pace

which is why we have lasted so long.

- Our procedures are our power. - Power!

Power!

Your empire is collapsing, Voiello.

And you know it.

A new Pope...

For the role in question, humbly permit me to propose Hernández

or, how about Sir John Brannox?

You know Pope Pius XIII so well

you even claim that Lenny Belardo granted you a miracle.

So, what do you think of this conclave?

A new Pope while the other one is still alive?

Albeit, alas, in coma.

Doesn't this all seem a little strange to you?

No, it's not strange.

It's criminal.

I know the Vatican.

It's a den of snakes and scoundrels

blackmailers and perverts.

And they can't wait to expel the only pure soul

who's ever set foot in there: Pius XIII.

But they've miscalculated.

Pius XIII is a saint.

And to do good, a saint only has to breathe.

So, brethren, have we given the matter some thought?

- I like Cardinal Paoletti. - You mean physically?

I would refrain from making sexual innuendos these days.

This is no time for joking, brethren

we are deciding our own fate and that of the Church.

But at any rate, I fear Paoletti has Parkinson's

so we'd be back to square one in three months.

- Steinbeck? - Another American?

And besides, they have just discovered

a nasty little something in his prostate.

The legendary Sir John Brannox?

I've never known a cardinal who could convert Anglicans to Catholicism before.

Too much of a snob.

He didn't want the crimson cap and didn't attend the consistory.

OK, Voiello, why don't you just give us the list

of whoever's in good enough health?

That will help us narrow down the list and speed things up.

Hernández? He's in excellent health

and is an extraordinary priest.

I don't trust extraordinary priests

under their robes hides an ordinary man.

I hardly ever understand you, Voiello.

I feel such tenderness for you, Aguirre.

Please, don't ever stop not understanding me.

Then you suggest someone, Voiello.

A strong candidate, because Hernández

has an impressive array of supporters.

Don't you think that after all these years my time has come?

I am in perfect health.

To that end, I have prepared a copy

of my latest test results for each of you.

Let me introduce you to Don Luigi Cavallo

my new right-hand man.

An expert in making the world feel uneasy.

He will be invaluable.

Now, I encourage you to think of me

not as the Vatican Secretary of State

who may at times have been wily

despotic and brutal.

As a Pope I would be different...

warm, moderate, prudent

and respectful of all sexual orientations.

Finally an ordinary Pope

having been an extraordinary man.

Just look at him and picture him as Pope.

Who is more ordinary than him?

A stocky build, a forgettable face

except for one detail which emphasises

its mediocrity.

I would wage a war against eccentricity

wherever it lurks.

"Living in the norm"

would be a fitting title

for a new book that could be released to mark the occasion.

Brannox.

Hernández.

Brannox.

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Everybody, ascend, go up ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Go up ♪ - ♪ Ha! ♪

It's not looking good.

Voiello is not breaking through.

Hernández is in the lead.

If he manages to draw another thirty or so votes

he is the new pope.

♪ I remember, a little kid ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪ Singing a song ♪

♪ Do you remember when you were young ♪

♪ Do you remember when you were singing along ♪

Who the heck is Brannox?

You have something on your cheek.

I would like a pope who allows priests to marry.

I would like him to officiate at my wedding to Luisa.

I'm sure he'd like her.

Who wouldn't like a woman blessed with grace and warmth?

I'd like to come out of hiding

a condition that has made me a squalid, miserable, anxious man.

I would like a pope who could save all the children we destroyed

tormented, abandoned.

A pope who would send me straight to hell

because, Holy Father, I can't take it anymore.

Where is Aguirre?

He's already repositioned himself in Hernández's room.

The irresistible call of the maracas.

Voiello, you can't seem to break through.

- I noticed. - Oh well, better luck next time.

Next time I will be 114 years old!

Tomorrow will be the 35th round of voting

at the which point Hernández will only need 58 votes to become Pope.

In truth, he already has them

and with Aguirre, he'll have 59.

We might as well align ourselves with him, as well.

Not on your life.

Voiello, it's over.

No, it's only just begun.

Under pressure a good Secretary of State

must be flexible and tactical.

We don't understand, Voiello.

You don't understand because you have given in to your emotions.

But we must listen to the Holy Spirit

and a little while ago, the Holy Spirit came to me and said

"Voiello, why can't you break through?

Because the cardinals voting for Paoletti and Brannox don't trust you.

They might trust someone who is

shall we say, more docile, more malleable.

In which case, you would already recover 26 votes

which, added to your 38, make... 64!"

That is what that mathematician, the Holy Spirit, told me.

Besides, cardinals love weak, manipulable popes.

The weak candidate theory, one of your golden oldies.

And who is this new candidate?

Hernández.

Hernández.

Hernández.

Hernández.

Hernández.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

INAUDlBLE CHATTER

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Viglietti.

Have you ever had a histological exam done on that mole?

Yes, it's benign.

This thing I have on my cheek

is my supplementary brain.

It only kicks in when there is some minor problem.

Like today.

"Administer justice every morning

rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed

or my wrath will break out and burn like fire

because of the evil you have done.

Burn with no one to quench it."

No, too apocalyptic, too political.

It will terrorize the faithful.

"Even the stork in the sky knows their appointed seasons

and the dove, the swift and the thrush

observe the time of their migration.

But my people do not know the requirements of the Lord."

Enchanting.

Eminence...

doesn't it seem a bit too sugary for the Pope's first homily?

Are you embarrassed about your teeth

covering your mouth like that when you laugh?

My dear Cavallo

let me present Sofia Dubois.

A woman who will never feel uneasy.

Now...

Too sugary? Not at all.

That passage is sweetness and candour

just like our new pope.

Do you know what really moves me?

We have elected a pope

who doesn't realise he is a pope.

And that's a good thing?

No, clams, that's a good thing.

What a superior woman!

No! No, no, no!

Oh, no...

Good God, no!

He's beginning to realise it!

Beginning to realise what?

That he has power.

♪ High in a stupor ♪

♪ Sitting on the side of the road ♪

♪ Ain't got an honest feeling in my bones ♪

♪ Felt like a fever, came on like a storm ♪

♪ But what I felt, it can't be helped no more ♪

♪ Get up up-up-up-up-up-up ♪

♪ If you want my, want my, want my, love ♪

♪ I'm a believer ♪

My...

Mother, would you please bring me some Easter cake?

The one made by Alemagna.

Holy Father, Easter cake is only made at Eastertime.

That's months away.

I don't care.

You would do well to get me some

otherwise I will get upset.

And it's not good if the Pope gets upset.

Hmm?

What happened to the Venus of Willendorf?

I imagined you would want

to sell it, Holy Father, and donate the proceeds to the poor

so I sent it to London to be auctioned at Christie's.

And were you sorry to part with her?

Attachment to material things is an emotion

that does not appertain to the Vatican Secretary of State.

Nor to the Pope.

In fact, we will divest ourselves of everything.

Even the refugees, Holy Father?

No, they will stay.

It was a brilliant move on my part

a charitable media triumph.

My papacy will be one long

luxurious manifestation of poverty.

- Which has us all worried, Holy Father. - Yes, I can imagine.

The time of privilege is over

but I am not afraid of your reactions, Voiello, or that of the Curia.

And do you know why?

Because the people and the press are all on my side.

The leftist press in particular.

Which is exactly why I invite you to be prudent, Holy Father.

The leftist press never gets anything right

they have even lost ground in nursing homes.

By the way...

as soon as possible we must consider

the selection of the new Secretary of State.

May I have a word with you in private, Holy Father?

You may speak with me in public, Voiello.

- I have no secrets. - But I do, Holy Father.

No, no, no! What are you doing here?

It's full, full, full...

We mistakenly thought that we could have some lunch here.

You have to go to the Sistine Chapel.

Now.

Francis II is going to address his brother cardinals.

It's full, full, full, full, full.

It's full, full, full, full, full. It's full.

Brother cardinals!

Thank you.

Thank you for having placed

a poor, ignorant, awkward monk

on the papal throne.

I would like to address you today, but who am I to speak to you?

I am just a poor man.

Far better that I speak to you in the words of the saint

who, as of today

shall be an inspiration to us all.

It's not looking good.

From the Testament of St Francis

"And those who came to embrace this life

gave as much as they could to the poor

they were content with a single tunic

patched within and without at will."

Or...

or...

Who's he?

The new Pope.

Or this, the last wishes to St Clare.

"And I counsel you

to live always in this most holy life of...

poverty".

My dear brethren cardinals

starting today

we will all live according to the rules of St Francis.

Poverty will be our uniform.

And so, as we intone together

the Canticle of Creatures

some friars will move among you

inviting you to place your gold crosses

and your precious bejewelled rings

in the baskets.

All your finery will be...

sold!

- Stand up. Up, up. - The proceeds given to the poor.

Stand up.

I know, I know, you will obey me in this,

that you will not cause your Pope to become upset.

In exchange, I will embrace

each of you.

Oh! Oh!

And here is the feeling of the world

that St Francis would have liked...

harmony!

He has taken control of the vault

he plans to give it all away.

All the money, all the gold to the poor, the secret files to the press.

We will all end up in jail.

He has heard the word of God

and decided to follow literally.

- God was emotional. - But we are expected to be far-sighted.

Half of the cardinals vote for you, the other half for me.

Neither one of us will ever become Pope.

I know, we have to find a third choice.

Who do you have in mind?

The person who got the most votes after you and me.

- Sir John Brannox? - Yes, him.

The great advocate for the middle way.

I have never even met him.

You'll like him, a compelling individual.

There is only one problem: it will not be easy to convince him to accept.

But you, Voiello, are enormously persuasive.

Voiello, why is it that you and I have never been able to tolerate each other?

We are too different.

But there is an obstacle between our intentions

and Brannox becoming Pope.

Francis II.

How shall we proceed?

With the power of prayer and good will.