Original subtitles

- [Voiceover] You have a collect call from...

- [Voiceover] Ross Patterson.

- [Voiceover] An inmate at Street Justice Films.

(upbeat country music)

- Alright, so no shit.

There I was, on this train to Paris.

- Will you shut the fuck up?

Shut the fuck up!

(he squeals)

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up!

Everybody knows, okay?

Alright, here's to Master Chief Bill Wizeniski

and Zack Kunkle.

- [Voiceover] Every person in the military says,

they day I get out, I'm gonna party like it's the end

of the world.

(rapid tense music)

- Good afternoon, Mr. Best,

I'm gonna be your public defender.

Seeing as how your actual lawyer said and I quote,

"Fuck him, let him stay in there."

So, the court assigned me to represent you.

Do you know what you've been charged with

or are you too drunk to remember?

- I was gonna have to hit the refresh button, my man.

- Yeah.

How bout public intoxication?

- [All] Do it, do it, do it, do it.

- Mat, don't fucking do it.

(Rocco laughs)

- Bro, he's gonna fucking do it.

(Mat laughs)

- I'm gonna live forever!

(crowd cheers)

- [Man Hit] Fuck, not again.

- What the fuck man?

- Matt, give him an R4 trauma bag,

it looks like he's got a sucking ass wound.

(man vomits)

(crowd cheers)

(Mat cheers)

- [Man] Nice shot!

- Disorderly conduct.

- Don't fucking do it!

- Freedom to fuck off!

(he laughs)

Yes, yes!

- Indecency.

(bell rings)

- Bro.

- I know. (car horn honks)

He's gonna fucking do it.

- Hey, this taking lead?

- Hey, hey, watch the Prius.

- Oh, I just Lance Armstronged your Prius.

That means I lost a ball in it.

(man laughs)

- I bet your corp watches The View.

Bro.

(patriotic music)

(he farts)

(he laughs)

No, but really I bet it gets good mileage.

- What?

(tense instrumental music)

- Battery.

- Oh shit.

I fucking punched Kesha last night.

I know this is gonna sound crazy

but I fucking love your music.

- Then show me, Mat.

(she gasps)

(energetic country rock)

- You know that's a fucking dude, right?

- What?

- That's a fucking dude.

- Fuck.

- Why you have to ruin all the fun?

- Yeah, why do you have to ruin all the fun?

- Fuck. (she yells)

- Henry Kesha, Duluth, Minnesota.

This is why you're also being charged with a hate crime.

(he coughs)

And that carries with it a class A felony.

You normally get it reduced to class C misdemeanor,

I'd have to the court that you were homosexual,

which isn't much of a lie based on your sexual advances

from last night.

(she moans)

- I'll take the felony, brother.

- Too late, I've already plea bargained for it.

You'll be out of here at 9 AM.

It will count as time served.

(soft patriotic music)

Tell us you just got out of the service.

See a lot of guys coming through here.

Word of advice, find your next objectives.

Something you can live for.

Choose a new goal to achieve,

learn from your time in the Army.

Don't let it dictate the entire rest of your life.

- I got a plan.

I'm gonna get out, make some internet videos,

get famous and probably make a movie one day.

- Good luck making a movie out of that.

Next thing you'll tell me is you're making

t-shirts for vets and selling them online

out of your bedroom.

- Actually.

(energetic rock music)

(energetic rock music)

- [Guard] Alright young man, here you go.

Hold on, you ain't going nowhere without me.

You know-- - By the way,

how's your youngest daughter?

I heard she's turned 18.

- She's doing fine.

She's doing even better without you around.

- [Prisoner] Fuck you, bitch!

- Shut up!

Aww, it's good to see you again, Mat.

Sarcasm.

- You too, Wilfred Brimley.

- [Guard] Huh?

- Got you too huh?

- [Rocco] Fucking arrested all of us, bro.

- I'm sure you're all innocent.

Try not to fuck each other in there,

it makes a mess.

(soft patriotic music)

- Oh bravo, Mr. Best.

You know how long it's been since I've been locked

up in prison?

Let me see, carry the two,

that's right, my whole fucking life!

- Fuck you!

How was I supposed to know that--

- [Guard] Kesha, Henry Kesha, you made bail.

- Call me if you want to party and shit.

Your love's my drug, bro.

- Yet another great night for Mr. Best.

(he laughs)

Let's go.

- Hey Mat.

- Holy shit Jack, what's up?

- Not much, same old shit.

- Wait, you weren't even at my party last night,

were you?

- (he laughs)

No, I got arrested on the way.

- So, we gonna...

We gonna talk about this?

- This, I was just fucking around.

- I can see that.

- Some wise ass filled her box full of epoxy.

I went to Wal-Mart to get the removal

and they arrested me.

- Did you know it epoxy in it before you fucked it?

- I had my suspicions but everything speculation

till ya to jam your dick into it.

- Here's what isn't speculation.

If Gene Vandenham were here last night instead of you,

we wouldn't fucking be here.

- Actually, this is exactly where I thought we'd end up.

- Fuck Gene and fuck you for bringing him up

and why is Rocco in the hallway?

- We told the guards that he takes prison rules seriously.

- What the fuck bro!

I ain't gonna fuck anyone.

(diminishing hum)

- [JT] Oh sweet, we can play who's in my mouth.

- [Rocco] No, fair, I'm out here.

(rubber squeaking)

- [Mat] Jack, stop fucking the doll.

- [Guard] Just hang in there boys, there's something going

on outside.

Stay right where you are, alright?

- Fuck this.

Rocco, can you get out of those handcuffs?

- Bro, you know how fucking big I am?

(tense instrumental music)

(zombie growls)

- Oh, what the fuck is that?

(tense instrumental music)

- Rocco, check your six.

(blood splatters)

- [Rocco] Hell yeah!

(man cheers)

- Fucking killed man.

(Rocco laughs)

- Told you, big as fuck.

- Alright, let's let us out man.

- Yeah.

- Jesus, Rocco.

You just t-boned him with a metal pole?

- What do you want me to do?

Glue him to my fucking dick?

- Is that what I think it is?

- Boys, I think our wildest dreams just came true.

The mother fucking zombie Apocalypse!

(all cheer)

(adventurous instrumental music)

Sweet fucker of the mother.

- Holy shit, isn't this fucking awesome?

- It's Marcus Luttrell!

- For a second, I thought you were Mark Whalberg.

- No, the little fucker only played me on TV.

- Stop embarrassing me in front of my friends.

- Bro, it's so fucking good you're here, man.

- I know.

Hey, you guys have been saving my ass so many times,

I'm gonna do it for you.

Come on, stack on me,

let's get your frogman up.

Don't worry about a thing!

(zombie yells)

(all groan)

(he screams)

Hey mother fuckers, you want some of me?

- That was a short book.

- This is how I'm gonna die?

- Looks like we're the lone survivors now.

(all laugh)

(dramatic tense instrumental music)

- Alright boys, bring it in.

- Are you about to go full officer speech?

- What?

No, of course not.

- It's confirmed we're facing some type

of zombie apocalypse outside.

- Are you sure?

- Try to stay with me, simple Jack,

but judging from our boy here.

Looks like a blow to the head takes them out.

- That sounds like pretty standard zombie rules to me.

- Now, did anybody see any weapons laying around?

- They have some billy clubs over there

and someone else chained to the bench.

- Billy clubs it is.

What about a vehicle?

- The bar is at least 15 miles from here.

We're better off hitting the PD impound lot.

- Yeah, there's some guns and shit over there too.

- Alright, what's the distance?

- From here?

Two, maybe two and a half miles.

- Ah shit, that's far.

- Aright, let's maintain 360 degrees of security.

Stay tight, we don't need to take it in the rear.

(man coughs)

- [Nick] Like your mom?

- That's what she said.

(they cheer) (he laughs)

- It's time to Vandanham up.

- Yeah.

- If you speak his name again,

I will slap you and your mothers delicious fucking mouth.

- Somebodies jealous.

- He's right man, I actually kinda like that guy.

- Come on, even his Lifetime movie

was fucking awesome.

I can't believed he played himself.

(somber classical music)

- Hey Gene, welcome home.

(gun shot)

- Gene, you're alive.

- [Gene] That fucking guys not.

- They said your entire unit died on the news.

(he shushes)

- [Gene] This my entire unit, right here.

- Oh my god, it's been so hard.

Oh it's really hard

and so big.

(somber classical music)

(she moans) (he grunts)

(somber classical music)

- A soldier came home!

A soldier came home!

(she yells)

- The 27 minute sex scene was a bit much.

- I thought it was tasteful.

- I had to jerk off twice.

- The only boner I have right now

is for killing zombies.

You fucking ready?

Let's roll.

(upbeat hip hop music)

(they cheer)

(upbeat hip hop music)

- [Mat] Shit, you alright man?

- I think I'm hurt really bad.

Don't worry about me,

my Ranger training will get me through.

- That's the spirit bro,

were you in bat?

- Not anymore, I'm in Delta

but I was in 4th battalion.

Just want to get back to men, Sarge.

- 4th battalion?

Bro, there's only three.

- I was special force.

I mean...

A top secret!

- Wait, I know this guy.

- [Mat] What?

- He's not in the military,

he's an air-softer that works at the DMV.

- Fuck stolen valor and fuck the DMV!

(he shouts)

(tense instrumental music)

- You mother fucker!

Piece of shit.

Bitches get bit.

(he spits)

- [Jack] Hey guys, get over here.

- [Mat] What?

- Range 15.

You have to get to Range 15.

- [Jack] What's Range 15?

(he growls)

(wet thud)

- Let's keep moving and stick together.

Jack, you're already doing a good job of that.

- Yeah.

(tense suspenseful instrumental music)

(he groans)

- Want to get wet?

I haven't turned all the way yet.

- Looks just like a girl I used to fuck in college

- Rocco.

- That's disgusting.

- [Rocco] Alright, alright.

- [Mat] No.

(tense adventurous music)

Is there anyone in there?

We're not infected.

- [Heather] Move it along, shit necks.

There's nothing here for you.

- Whoa.

- Please just let us in,

we're survivors.

We just killed a shit ton of zombies.

- [Heather] Oh, did you?

Cool story, so did we.

Look guys, we're just trying to say alive, okay?

We let you and Mexican Jay Leno in,

you'll steal all of our ammo.

(they all laugh)

- Why would you say that?

- Listen, I'm not gonna give a gun to his chin,

if you just let us have a few weapons,

maybe a car, we'll be out of your beautiful hair.

- Wait, are you Mat Best?

- Every last inch.

- We totally fucked last week.

- Of course you did.

- Sorry, what's up Eli?

- It's Eliza.

- Can we rekindle this romance inside?

- Hang on.

- Oh my god, it's so big it wouldn't even go all the way in.

- Eliza, the beard and that tattoo,

what did I tell you?

- I love douche bags.

- Alright, fine.

We'll open the door.

- Alright, spread those cheeks, I'm going in.

(tense instrumental music)

- [Voiceover] Hello, this is Robert McWilliams

with Federal Resources.

The Bureau of Civil Defense has issued

an national warning.

A disease of unknown origin has spread

to pandemic levels.

There is no information...

- Uh, fellas?

Unlock me.

- Oh shit, Evan, what the hell are you doing

chained up in the police armory?

- Cruised over here to grab some gats,

when these fucking dirty sluts rolled me up.

- This little hipster looking fuck,

wouldn't share any weapons

and I had to cuff him.

- I love the way your mouth speaks.

- What the fuck is that?

- Oh that.

It's what they call the grunt pyle.

- It literally looks like seven men scissoring.

- That's exactly what it is.

(indistinct talking)

- I know I'm stating the obvious here

but you guys are really fucking hot.

Like snap your fingers hot.

- And you're like the 2nd fattest in the group.

Are we good now, bro?

- I guess.

- What's Range 15?

- That's where that fucking soldier told us to go.

- It's a fallback point for an ELE.

- Wait, are you guys military too?

- Yeah.

I'm ex IDF and she's my cousin.

- Wait, your Israeli?

- Yeah, I was like screaming in Yiddish the entire time.

- No offense but that happens a lot more than you think.

- A lot more.

- What's an ELE?

- Extinction level event, Jack.

- Hey man, I'm really impressed.

- It says it on the map.

- God damn it.

- Well, Range 15, that's where we need to go.

- Oh hey, brilliant fucking idea, tactical Tesla.

Here's another one, we need to get weapons,

supplies and we need to check in at the base

to see if it's still intact.

- Thanks, Dad.

Prom ended at 11.

- You guys gonna come with us?

- No, we're all set.

We're just gonna ride this out until--

- We save the world?

- You guys?

Yeah right.

- Listen here, oven mitts,

there's thousands of them out there

and as bad ass as you think you are,

you won't be able to hold them off forever.

Boop.

- Jesus could.

- Who is this fucking guy?

- Jesus?

He's our lord and savoir.

He died for our sins.

- Don't mind him.

He was Billy Bob's stand-in in Sling blade

but that's completely irrelevant right now.

I'll protect you.

- And I will never fuck you.

We'll go but if shit goes down

we're hiding behind the Crimson Chin here.

- Hey, what's with all the chintrest?

- That goddamn thing is huge.

It's like do you have to drink with a bendy straw or--

- Can we stop playing fuck, fuck, goose,

and just gear up?

- You know what guys?

For once in Nicks life, he's actually fucking right.

So wants a sweet fucking gear up montage?

(all cheer)

This is really convenient for us.

(energetic 80s pop music)

(gunfire)

(energetic 80s pop music)

(horns honk)

(energetic 80s pop music)

(saxophone plays)

(energetic pop music)

(saxophone plays)

(energetic pop music) (saxophone plays)

(they laugh)

- [Mat] I feel like I just blacked out on freedom.

- [JT] I feel like I got butt fucked by Francis Scott Key.

- Is there any dialogue between you two

that doesn't involve homo sexual undertones?

- Not one single time.

- Just keep your body away from me.

(tense dramatic music)

(gunshot)

- Holy shit!

Zombies one o'clock.

("What a Wonderful World") (gunfire)

("What a Wonderful World" (gunfire)

(gunfire)

- [Mat] Jack killed everything.

- [Man] Jesus.

- [Nick] Let's go, let's go.

- [Mat] Let's go, let's go.

- [JT] We should all take Camaros.

- Bro, this isn't Swingers.

We're not taking 30 cars.

- What do you suggest?

- We can take the whisky truck that they confiscated

the night I got arrested.

- I'll drive.

- You sure you don't want to put your dick in it first?

- If he did, I bet he'd fill it up with--

- Premium?

- It's like you're living inside of me!

(he laughs)

- Bro, she's never gonna fuck you, alright?

Evan, what the fuck are you doing?

- Taking a piss.

(zombie growls)

(tense dramatic music)

(Evan groans)

(all scream)

- What happened?

- Fuck!

(man laughs)

Fucking ripped my dick off!

(he screams)

- Hey, on scale from shaft to tip,

how much did that fucker get?

- Shut up!

Get over here and help me!

- Come Evan, quit dicking around.

(he laughs)

- Fuck you.

- Hey bro, you really got the shaft.

(he laughs)

- This is worse than syphilis.

(all laugh)

Fuck you!

Just fucking kill me.

- No bro, we're gonna let you turn

and then feed you your own dick,

you cock sucker.

- Fuck you man!

(all yell)

(tense energetic music)

(all cheer)

- Hey Evan, there you go

- Just fucking kill me.

- Hey no bro, I'm just kidding.

I'll kill you.

(gunshot)

- Just like all the others.

- You guys ready?

Let's go.

To the whiskey truck.

(energetic heavy rock music)

- Fuck bro, I need some food.

Killing zombies really works up an appetite.

- Hey man, be careful in there.

Do me a favor, grab your rifle.

- Do you see you where we are?

Pretty sure it's abandoned.

Anyone else?

- Anything that rhymes with beer.

(he laughs)

- It's great to see that the zombie fucking apocalypse

hasn't changed you.

Grab me some Kill Cliff.

- [Rocco] Got it.

- I'll take some goldfish.

- That's a children's snack, you fat fuck.

- [JT] I do have a boyish quality about me.

- And it shines through like heavens light on

to all of us.

- Anyone else?

- Seriously man, stay away from the glass.

I don't want you getting yanked through.

- Bro, do you see how fucking big I am?

You know how big a mother fucker would have

to be to fucking pull me through a window?

- Surprisingly, I'm with Nick on this one

because if this was a zombie movie,

you'd be getting ripped through that glass

right about now.

- Mat, this isn't a zombie movie.

(glass shatters)

(he yells)

- Mother fucker, let's go, let's go, let's go.

(tense instrumental music)

- [Eliza] Shit, did you see the size

of that mother fucking zombie?

- Fucking men.

(tense adventurous music)

- Are you infected?

Answer me.

- You tell me dude.

Whoa, you gonna shoot me for stealing?

- What?

- That's right, I'm Slurpees for free and shit.

What up?

Lights were out, so I came in to get mine.

Know what I'm saying?

- Hey fuck stick, it's the zombie fucking apocalypse.

You can literally take anything in here if you wanted.

- Oh shit, for real?

God it's hot in here.

That's why I stripped down.

Skins a natural coolant, my uncle says.

Level with me bro, shits for real free free?

Cause I kinda feel like I'm being mind tricked here.

- Mother fucker, get the fuck out!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

Hey, doll dick.

(tense dramatic music)

You look like Randy Quaid with Downs syndrome.

- Randy Quaid is an American legend.

I loved him in Chaddyshack 2!

(gunfire) (he cries)

Why'd you make me do this?

(he cries)

- Hey Rocco, Rocco.

- Shit, if he's a zombie, I get to kill him.

- [Mat] He's my fucking friend.

- [Nick] It doesn't matter, I called it.

He's like a 12 point buck.

(metal banging)

- Oh my fucking god.

(she growls)

- Jesus tap dancing Christ, what the fuck?

- You guys want to give me a fucking minute?

- For the first time in my life, I have no words.

- Is it weird that I'm kinda in to it?

- You have a doll glued to your cock, Jack.

So no, not really.

- This is some barrack shit.

I'm gonna get some freedom fudge.

- I'll get some with you too, don't tell Heather.

- Who's next?

(metal banging) (zombie growls)

(he moans)

- Is there supposed to be that much blood?

- I hope so.

- Oh shit yeah, fuck!

- Okay, I'm good.

Time to go, Jack.

- [Jack] I want one.

(zombie growls)

- Yeah, yeah.

(man laughs)

- [Mat] You ready, zombie fucker?

- What, bro?

That's some bucket list type shit.

- [Heather] For who, a necrophiliac?

- Oh come on, she didn't look that dead.

- Agreed.

Kidding.

I want you to know I'm a perfect gentleman

and I would never fuck a zombie.

- So what if I turned into a zombie?

Would you fuck me?

- Why, do you want to turn into a zombie

and have sex with me?

- See.

- What I was answering a question with a question.

(Mat whistles)

- This bitch got enough gas to get us to base, you think?

- I hope so man.

I don't think I can handle seeing another zombie get fucked.

- I've seen worse bro, you'll be alright.

Thailand.

(upbeat romantic soul music)

- You know, I can't believe you just fucking did that.

(he laughs)

- I'm telling you, I found love in a hopeless place.

- Did you seriously just quote a Rhianna song

to describe sex with a zombie?

- I feel like I'm her Chris Brown, you know?

- You didn't beat her as much.

Terrible euphemism.

- [Eliza] Seriously.

- You know, I'm not ashamed.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

(upbeat romantic soul music)

- No, don't drink it!

- What the fuck, bro.

- It's a bad batch.

- He put viper semen in it.

- Well, a scientist did.

- Since is when a scientist part of a distillery?

- You see, my dad's old Army buddy

is an amateur scientist,

he's the only one we knew how could distill whiskey.

This was our first batch.

- An amateur scientist?

That would be like using an amateur bomb tech.

That just shouldn't be a thing.

Is that toxic shit even drinkable?

- I'm gonna go with a soft, maybe.

Fuck.

We got trouble up ahead.

(tense music)

- I don't we can get around this shit, man.

- You glorious fucks cover me,

I'll move the Humvee.

(tense instrumental music)

(gunfire)

- [Rocco] Out of ammo, going to the truck.

- Grab me some mags!

(zombie growls)

(he grunts)

(gunshot)

- Who's the punk bitch now?

Where the fuck are the keys?

Fucking Humvees shouldn't have keys.

(tense instrumental music) (gunfire)

(beer fizzes)

(flames crackle)

(tense dramatic music)

- Oh shit.

(he laughs)

- Guys, hold you fire.

- [Rocco] Holy shit.

- Viper semen forever.

- What happened?

- Amateur scientist for the win.

I think we just found ourselves a cure.

- You've got to be shitting me.

(he laughs)

- Nope.

- Well, if the Colonels still alive,

we gotta get to him ASAP.

- I can not wait to see the look on his face

when he finds out the cure for the zombie apocalypse

came from you.

- Shit is gonna be good, my friend.

Let's go butt fuck some zombies.

(soft instrumental music)

- Get back in your vehicle.

This is a secure government installation

and you cannot walk around here without a PT belt.

- Easy there, high speed.

This is my safety.

- No PT belt, no access buddy.

- Whoa, whoa whoa.

I was just testing you

and you passed.

Now, I don't have any PT belts

but what I do have is some challenge coins.

Huh, huh?

- Is that real?

- Are those real?

- Oh, they're real my friend.

- The fuck outta here.

- [Mat] There we go.

- Oh man!

- Now, is the Colonel here

and more importantly is he alive?

- Yeah he's alive.

He's at the jock.

Can we keep these?

- All yours.

Let's open that gate then, yeah?

- [Soldier] Okay, yeah.

- Oh.

Alright.

- Just kinda.

Kinda put your back into it.

- Does it go that way?

It's a new gate.

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

- What the fuck just happened?

- The Army's real weird about PT belts.

(he laughs)

- So to keep you safe, they we're going to shoot you?

- Yeah.

- And they didn't because of coins?

- You've got to understand.

Challenge coins are like PO kryptonite.

They're defenseless to their power.

(upbeat marching music)

- You tell that shit for brains

I want no more excuses.

I want to hit them.

I want to know how many are out there.

I want to know who's on...

What?

What the fuck do we have here?

(he laughs)

Mat fucking Best.

- Colonel.

- Is that a blow up doll you got glued

to your cock there, son?

(he laughs)

- Sort of.

You see, I fell down with my pants unzipped

and I just kinda--

- Oh shut the fuck up!

- Alright.

- Now, gentlemen, stand down.

Let me have a moment with this guy alone.

Alright.

- Colonel, it's been a minute.

How you been?

- I'm surprised that you two ass hats are still alive.

- And we found a cure.

(soft suspenseful music)

- Are you serious?

- Serious as a heart attack, my friend.

- In my office now, Mr. Best.

- [Mat] Got it.

- You stay here, Gomer Pyle.

(soft uplifting instrumental music)

- Love what you've done with the place, Colonel.

It's very, restoration hardware meets MASH.

- Oh, zip your dick!

Now, we found the cure, is about the only words

you could of used to prevent me from putting my foot

in your ass.

- What's with the hostility, sir?

- Really?

You didn't fuck my arm less daughter?

(she moans)

- This is way better than a hand job!

(tires screech)

(she moans)

- Daddy?

- What the fuck?

What the fuck?

- Shit!

I am pretty sure I would of remembered that.

- Hey, Daddy, do you have the barracks keys?

- Coming in hot.

(keys jangle)

- What the stump fuck?

- Look at my daughter, Sergeant Best.

Doesn't ring a bell, still?

- It's nice to see you from the front.

- What is it, Mary?

- That Special Ops guy is in the Mess Hall for you.

- Well tell him I still need a minute.

- Okay.

- [Colonel] So, tell me about this cure.

- Why don't you tell me how it happened.

- This isn't fucking Clue!

Take shit seriously for once in your life, Mat.

A plane crashed coming in from overseas.

We don't know if it was on purpose

or if a passenger unknowingly had the virus and spread it.

The disease spread like herpes in a Fort Bragg barracks.

Right now, all we need to do is contain it.

Candlestick, library, go.

- Well as crazy as it sounds.

The guys and I have been distilling whiskey

and let's just say we had a bad crate.

- Bad crate of distilled whiskey?

I'm not following.

- It was mixed with viper semen.

- That sounds like a shitty internet video

or the plot of a bad movie.

(they laugh)

- As as ridiculous as it sounds, it's the truth.

One of my guys smashed a zombies head

in with the whiskey bottle and they changed back.

- [Colonel] Where's this whiskey now?

- It's safe in the Mess Hall.

- With the guy from Of Mice and Men and the chubby one?

- I like to consider it the Ranger Up and article 15.

- I'll have one of my guys grab it

and take it over to Range 15.

- Why don't you just test it here

and distribute it amongst the people?

- Our building was compromised and most of the scientists

were killed.

The remaining ones, we sent over to Ranger 15.

- Well then, we'll just take it over to Range 15 ourselves.

- Oh, shit.

I'm not gonna leave the fate of the world

to you fuck offs.

- No offense Colonel but I trust us

more than I trust your guy.

Our guys are fearless.

- I bet I can fit 14 hot dogs in my mouth.

- I bet I can do 30.

- Why would you want to do that?

- Because we're fearless!

- I prefer my guy.

- And who the fuck is your guy?

- Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham.

Have you heard of him?

- Yeah, I've fucking heard of him.

Fuck Gene.

You know all that mother fucker is is the little--

- Hero?

(energetic marching music)

Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham is America.

I fucking love that guy.

Everybody loves that guy.

Now, that's the kind man I want to see my daughter with.

Hell, that's the kind of guy everybody wants

to see their daughter with.

You know, I'ma be honest with you.

I've been married for over 38 years now

and if Gene Vandenham asked me

to take him in my mouth,

I'd honestly consider it.

- God man.

- You and your boys can follow on a convoy behind.

That will be all, Sergeant.

- Thanks.

- And keep your dick in your pants.

- I nub you.

- [Colonel] Asshole.

- [Nick] So what happened?

- He said their scientists are at Range 15

and they want fucking Gene Vandenham

to take the whiskey there

and we get to follow along in a sweet fuck train.

- Fucking bullshit!

That's our whiskey.

- [JT] And our viper semen!

- Look Matt, sometimes things can look pretty bleak

but when life gets hard--

- Nick, you promised.

- No officer shit, bro.

- Alright, alright.

Seriously, though.

If Gene takes the whiskey, we've got a much better chance

of success.

- And a much better chance that none of us get killed.

- I'm cool with that.

- I would of protected you.

- Oh yeah?

Let's see, go with the world renowned hero

or a guy who shoved 14 hot dogs in his mouth.

- Dude, you dogged 14?

Champion!

- No, that's not a high five moment.

- Every moments a high five moment.

(door hinges creak)

- Oh god.

(energetic classic rock)

(she moans)

(energetic classic rock)

(she moans) (water splashes)

- [Gene] You boys have the whiskey?

- Oh yeah.

- Hand it over, son.

(soft light romantic music)

- I'm sorry, I just--

- You, you, you, just got lost in my eyes?

Relax, it doesn't make you gay.

It makes you compassionate.

- Oh, you're so right, Gene.

- I know.

Release.

There's my fat bottomed girl.

Thanks, Guardians of the Galaxy,

I'll keep an eye on you in my rear view.

Stay close.

You too, second.

- Fuck did you just call me?

- Seconds.

That's your middle name, isn't it?

(he laughs)

- [JT] Mat Second Best.

This is like slam poetry.

Genius

- Catch ya on the dark side of the moon,

cheese squeeze.

Keep your ears buttered up while I set fire to the rain.

- What the fuck does that even mean?

- You know what it means?

You don't know where I've been.

Rodney King riots, 1984, I'm driving through the streets

of (unintelligible) and the city they call Long Beach.

When a young African American says to me,

"Hey man, you some kind of GI Joe?

Mr. Jarhead."

I says so what if I am?

And he says, "Well why don't you suck on my dick

and then lick on my balls."

And before he can get that S out,

I squeeze the trig and blew his brains outs.

The next day, the riots were over.

The moral of the story is this,

why don't you walk 168 miles in my shoes

with 16 dead soldiers over your shoulder

before you ask me what the fuck that means.

Good day, fuck faces.

By the way, wear a condom on that dick of yours

if you're eye fuck me on the way out like that.

This is Gene's world.

(energetic classic rock)

- That guy is such a fucking celebrity cameo.

- Hey man, I don't want to fucking be here.

- Oh.

(he laughs)

Hey, Ron Jeremy.

- Your Indiegogo campaign went so well

you can actually buy people.

- You're right, you can go dude, thanks.

- Great.

- [JT] Gene's kinda legit.

- Gene is a douche bag

and he's treating all of us

like the fucking B team.

I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air.

Let my suck dangle.

- Grab a pic.

I knew before it even came out of my mouth.

- Mat, can I come with you?

I haven't said anything in a while.

- Sure, Eunice.

- Happy Birthday, Matt James.

- Mat, are you okay?

- I'm fine, Eleanor.

- Eliza.

- Whatever.

I just hate that Gene Vadendouche.

Everything get's handed over to him

like I'm some incompetent clown dick.

- I don't think your an incompetent clown dick.

I think you're a--

- Intense, strong, intelligent,

ripped like a pair of Def Leppard jeans?

Hear it all the time,

but Gene's always stealing the spotlight.

- Well you can have the spotlight.

You can have two.

- Emily, we shouldn't but we're probably going

to anyways so.

- Oh, can you do it in my butt?

I don't want to get pregnant during the zombie apocalypse.

- Kind of hot actually.

(they moan)

Did you eat popcorn?

- Yeah, is it sharp?

- Oh god.

- It smells.

(engine revs)

- You got to be fucking kidding me.

- [Mat] Oh shit.

(tense marching music)

- We love you, Gene.

(horn honks)

(indistinct shouting)

We love you man!

You see his jawline?

- It's like an angel.

- I have energy, guy gives me energy by his presence.

- I want to drink his piss.

- What?

- Huh?

- Come on, man.

- That dude always wants to be the tip of the spear

but all I see is a giant blue falcon.

- Yeah maybe but he's got an up-armour Humvee.

Not to mention a 50 cal.

- And no one manning it.

Fuck that guy.

Guys like that are the reason I got out.

- Shit man, guys like that are the reason dudes enlist.

(tense instrumental music)

- What the fuck is this asshole doing now?

- Zombie!

(zombie growls)

(gunshot)

(he howls)

You girls okay?

- Definitely could of killed that guy.

- Sure you could of.

Look here, chap stick, I don't need my asshole waxed.

A simple thank you, your smajesty would suffice.

- Not to happen, Gene.

- Smell this fire, smokey the bear.

The Colonel just phoned in by satellite.

The zombies are gaining speed.

They could overtake our vehicles if we're not careful.

According to his Intel, they're getting close.

- Wait, you have a sat phone in your car?

- I got the 2018 lebronze in there.

They give hand in hand everything.

- Fuck.

- The Colonel says there's a helicopter pad

about 26 miles from here that he wants us to get to

so we're not on the road.

Change of plans, change of pants.

- Okay, so you want us to follow behind you?

- Yes, but I'll be on foot.

Can you take the whiskey?

- What the fuck?

- I need you to take the whiskey, dick

and hold it with two hands.

Can you handle that soldier of fortune.

- I've got the whiskey.

(he inhales)

- Someone has to protect us.

There's god,

then there's me.

God must be busy.

Lucky for, I don't take Sundays off.

- Bro, that's gonna be my next tattoo.

- I feel like I'm at the alter

and Jesus is packing.

- This is all so fucking stupid.

Why doesn't one of us man the 50 cal

while you drive?

- For the same reason I baptized myself as a baby.

No one guards Gene Vandenham but Gene Vandenham.

Take the whiskey and be grateful

I am who I am.

- Bro, 26 miles is an entire marathon.

- I know, I ran Boston last year

and won 46 full kits setting a new world record.

Try and keep up.

- What the fuck ever, Gene.

(soft patriotic music)

- Fucking Gene Vandenham.

(energetic tense music)

- [Mat] Fucking got it.

(he howls)

- Fucking Gene Vandenham.

- You all still realize how ridiculously stupid this is?

It has nothing to do with necessity,

just his own glory, right?

- Sure man

but look at that guy.

He's a one man killing machine.

I bet he even nukes those two toddlers over there.

- No Gene, don't kill the zombie toddlers!

(gunfire) (wet splats)

- Their mission has been aborted!

- Seriously hope he steps on a land mine,

like five of them.

(tense dramatic music)

(gunfire)

- [Gene] Go, go, go!

I'll cover you.

- Gene, you're coming with us!

- Negative, no room.

Freedom is calling and I have to answer.

- There is literally an empty seat designated

for you, Gene.

- No offense, but there's an empty seat

in every single plane in the United States designated

for me.

Just remember, when you turn back

and see only one set of footprints in the sand.

It was then, that I carried you.

- Wheels up.

Fuck that dude.

(he howls)

(gunfire)

Good luck getting out of this one, Gene,

you cock tart!

- I got it!

(he howl) (gunfire)

- That is what Gene Vandenham does.

He is the only American hero.

God damn!

(tense adventurous music)

Why are we going to Range 15?

That place is probably full of em by now.

- Number one, that's where the scientists are

and we have the cure.

- What's number two?

- Pooping, pooping is number two.

- It's like every time I try and like you,

I just can't.

- There is no number two, Grigsby.

If we don't achieve number one, we die.

- Please refrain.

- You know how hard that is?

- Let him say it.

- Come on, dude.

- You're killing his spirit.

- I'm gonna kill his fucking microphone.

(light dramatic music)

- I can't believe it.

We're actually gonna make it.

- You fuck bag, you just jinxed us.

- What?

No I didn't.

- Yeah dude, you did.

- That could give us five seconds, rain man.

(he grunts)

- Hey you feeling alright up there, man?

You sure you didn't get bit?

- Yeah I did, right before you guys showed up.

I can feel it growing inside of me.

This is my last mission.

I just have one request,

if any of you make it,

go find my girlfriend, she lives in El Paso.

Tell her I love her.

- Let's be realistic, she's probably dead.

- What?

- I mean, come on,

it's the end of the world

with a bunch of bad asses barely making it.

A hot girl in El Paso?

She's zombie shit by now.

Wait, do zombies shit?

- Rocco, shut the fuck up!

- I'm just being honest.

- He's right.

She's dead and I'm bit.

There's nothing to live for.

Your names JT, right?

Will you hold this?

You're up.

(soft somber instrumental music)

- [NIck] We literally just told him

we have the fucking cure.

(dramatic tense music)

(alarm blares)

- We're gonna fucking die!

- Fuck me.

- I'll save us.

- You're not gonna save us, fat boy,

you're probably gonna take this whole plane down.

- I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings.

- We're all gonna die because of your fat ass.

You fat, fat, fatty fuck!

I can't even fucking believe how fat you are!

(triumphant adventurous music)

- [JT] Hey, I saved us.

(glass shatters)

- [Mat] Fuck, fuck the fucking whiskey.

- [Nick] How many are left?

- [Mat] Are you fucking kidding me?

Two.

- Two, two fucking bottles?

God damn it!

- Shut the fuck, can we get the cure

and keep fucking moving?

(tense dramatic music)

I'd rather have us fucking carry it, you know?

- [JT] Bro, I got to take a tactical shit dot come.

- [Mat] Shut the fuck up and let's go.

- [JT] We got to get into one of these neighborhoods.

(Jack grunts)

- [Jack] I want my mommy.

(energetic suspenseful music)

(smooth jazz music)

- Salutations, do you guys like jazz?

- You truly cannot really enjoy it

unless it's on vinyl.

- That's right.

- What the fuck?

Fuck this, next house.

- Fuck this.

- Hey wait, wait.

You guys got any supplies we can have?

- I got something that will make your mustache

stand up.

(tense instrumental music)

(explosion)

Holy shit.

(he laughs)

An anti gun family that decided to off themselves

before they got infected.

- How does that 2nd amendment taste now?

- Everybody hates guns until you have

to choke fuck yourself to death with a hot curling iron.

Touche.

(tense suspenseful music)

- Hey Youtube, this is Chazz and Parker again

and on today's episode,

we're just ticked.

- Ticked, ticked.

You tell em, Chazz.

- I'm just gonna unzip my zip here,

whip put my wee wee and piss on these flags.

- There's gonna be 14 stripes when we're done.

- What the fuck is this?

- Oh hell no.

Back the fuck up.

(he squeals)

- Baby killers.

(intense rock music)

- With great vengeance

- And furious anger.

(gunfire)

(energetic dance music)

- Hey, are you guys here for the (unintelligible)?

- After, we're gonna have an organic paleo kelp quiche.

- No, no, we're good bro.

- Okay, I'll eat all myself.

- I'm gonna keep working out.

- I'll never get fat.

(energetic dance music)

- [Nick] Hey man, you doing alright?

(soft somber instrumental music)

- Everyone's counting on me for everything.

I'm not their leader.

I'm not a leader, I'm not

and to be completely honest with you dude,

I don't think I can do this shit anymore.

- I know the weight of the world is on your shoulders

right now but it's there for a reason.

Most people quit the second things get hard.

You don't.

The annals of history are written on the backs

of men like you.

Men, who when faced with overwhelming odds,

when they reached their breaking point,

looked into the bowels of hell and smiled.

Men who answered the bell for one more round.

You're one of those men.

We can do this, we can rise up against

the impossible and we can save the world

but we cannot do without you.

We need Mat Best.

(uplifting somber music)

(he laughs)

Oh god damn it!

(he laughs)

- Got you mother fucker.

- Fuck.

- Great West Point speech, bro.

(he laughs)

- Fuck off.

- Did you just come up with that shit

on the spot or what?

- It's what we do.

- Alright, bring it in, sister to sister,

mother to daughter.

- You son of...

(twangy country rock music)

- You guys do some gay ass shit for being in the military.

- It's Thursday isn't it?

- [Nick] I fucking hate you.

- [Mat] It's a love hate relationship, Nick.

- It's a hate hate relationship.

I fucking hate you.

(energetic suspenseful music)

(zombies roar)

(gunfire)

- There she is, boys.

- That's Range 15?

- It looks like a power plant.

- That's the point.

(zombie growls)

(tense instrumental music)

(gunshot)

- Oh, no, no, no.

- Fuck!

Fuck, it won't be long now.

- Don't talk like that bro.

- What the fuck do you want me to say,

that everything's going to be okay?

I'm gonna live happily ever after

and you'll come back and fuck me in some convenience store?

- Dude, she's different, bro.

- You know what?

So am I.

(all shout)

- Come on bro, just take the cure.

- That only leave us when one left.

- So what, they're scientists and shit.

One is all they need.

- Yeah man, you need to take it before it spreads.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah brother, you're changing fast.

We have to administer it, rectally.

- Uh yeah, it's crawling up your leg.

Drinking it won't be fast enough.

- Fuck that, I know you mother fuckers are fucking with me.

- Baby, I don't want to lose you, just take it.

- Bro, I'm the medic man, we got to do this.

- Nick, is this legit?

- I hate to say it man but I don't think

we have a choice right now.

- You mother fuckers better not be fucking with me!

Rocco.

- Brother, you're going to feel a little bit of pressure.

(sensual hip hop music)

- Holy shit, holy shit, it's fucking working.

It's fucking working.

(all laugh)

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Why didn't you just drink it, fag?

- Gay!

- Oh so gay, bro.

- Get the fuck out...

Are you fucking kidding.

- [Nick] You know I love you man.

- Just get the fucking whiskey.

(somber instrumental music)

Everyone spread out, let's find a way in.

(tense instrumental music)

Anybody got anything?

- [Rocco] Nothing here, bro.

- Nothing man.

- I found something special.

- No, he didn't.

I found fat Val Kilmer though.

- Jack, you got anything?

- Nothing.

- Sweet, the Colonels daughter was easier

to enter than Range 15.

- To be fair bro, she had no arms.

- At least my zombie girl had arms.

(he laughs)

- There's no way you're comparing the two.

- What are we gonna do about getting in this silo?

- I don't know but you better hurry up real fucking fast.

- Why, Elsie?

- Eliza, they're coming.

(tense instrumental music)

- Guys, we don't have the ammo for this.

- Bro, we ain't got the time for this.

- [Mat] I'll get us the fucking time.

- Hey man, I told you.

There's no ammo in there.

- I'm not looking for ammo.

The most important thing right is getting the whiskey

into the silo.

- Are you sure man?

- The cure is more important

than anyone of our lives, right?

(tense instrumental music)

- Jack, you fucking stupid cunt.

Guys found the entrance.

Push the fucking button.

(metal clangs)

- Everybody, lets get inside, quick.

Fucking idiot.

- [Jack] I'm sorry.

(zombies growl)

(zombies yell)

- [Voiceover] Most people don't get

to decide how they go out.

Today I do.

There's a time to run

and a time to fight

and I ain't no bird dog.

(uplifting tense instrumental music)

- You must be the brave soldiers

that Colonel Holloway sent.

This is the cure?

- [Nick] It sure is.

- This is the cure?

What is in this shit?

- Whiskey mixed with viper semen, sir.

- Are you kidding me?

- No, it's actually a funny story.

You see--

- Oh, I do love a funny story.

I will try now, I will see if you full of shit.

Which I suspect you are.

Oh you stupid pieces of shit.

Get out!

Don't let the door hit you on the ass.

- The fuck, bro?

I've seen this shit work twice already.

- Would it just kill you guys to pay attention

just once?

(tense suspenseful music)

- Holy shit, what the fuck just happened?

- I just saved your life.

You see the whiskey is the primary element needed

to cure zombies but it requires an adequate delivery system.

Kill Cliff is that delivery system.

It's unique blends of caffeine and vitamins

creates a covalent bond shell with the viper semen,

protects it, while it infiltrates the zombie cells.

I kind of would of that it been obvious.

- You (unintelligible) this man is cured.

Kiwi, come here, come here, come here.

- [Kiwi] Aye aye, sir.

- Davis, get this to the lab.

Have them replicate it as fast as possible.

- It will be a pleasure and privilege

and to you gentlemen, I say bravo.

- Bravo indeed, kiwi.

- It's hard to be excited (unintellibalbe).

(soft patriotic music)

Oh, that's a whole lot of fucking freedom right there.

- That's a lot of hard dick right there.

- God damn right.

- Mat, you're alive.

(uplifting instrumental music)

- Bro, I thought we lost you.

- Not gonna lie, I thought I was more fucked

than JT on a low carb diet.

(he laughs)

But then, the zombie slaying dream team showed up.

- There's only a few pairs of perfect cheekbones

in this world.

It would of been a shame to lose yours.

- Besides, we let you die,

what were chinny chinny bang bang and tactical Randy

gonna do?

- It's been a long couple of days.

- I hate to break up this little dick dance

but fixed wing assets are showing a horde of zombies

heading right this way.

Our doors aren't gonna hold them back.

- [Mat] Fuck it.

You all wanna get nasty?

- [All] Fuck yeah!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, there high speeds,

you're not in proper uniforms.

Oh you're haircut is way out of rank.

Get your hands out of your pockets.

(Jack laughs)

Why is your hand wet?

Is that a dick hanging out?

I went to college, I'm not afraid of running you off--

- [JT] Smell this.

- Was that your butt hole?

You need to shave.

I expect salutes next time, gentlemen.

(tense dramatic music)

Oh shit.

Fuck you guys, I'm gonna save the world all by myself.

Come on, mother fuckers, bring it on.

(he screams)

- Just in case we all die, I want you two to know,

huge fan.

I fucking love you guys.

- Wait, who are these guys?

- They're heroes.

- I'm sorry, heroes of what?

(gunshot)

- What the fuck?

- Sorry bout your friend.

- Yeah sorry about your loss and stuff.

Let's all take a moment of silence

for Beatrice's sacrifice.

- [Heather] It's Eliza!

- Okay, ready to kill some zombies?

- [All] Yeah.

- I'm gonna miss you, fucking stupid whore.

You fucking annoying bitch.

God you're so gross.

(somber instrumental music)

(energetic rock music)

(gunfire)

- [Jack] I can't stop killing.

(he cries)

(tense suspenseful music)

- Look up there, on the hill.

(zombie roars)

- [Jack] I'll take the girl!

(he shouts)

No, no, no.

Bitch.

Not my cucumber, no, no.

(he shouts)

(he cries)

(he cries)

- [Nick] Hey, why don't we just fucking shoot em?

(zombies roar)

(gunfire)

- [Jack] Go home.

- [Man] That was easy.

(Jack whimpers)

(tense suspenseful music)

- Oh fuck, is that Randy Couture.

- No, it's zombie Couture.

(tense suspenseful music)

- I've got this.

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Unbelievable, we are here at the sold out Range 15 area

and this desert valley is electric.

- [Mat] Tim, will you stop dicking around,

we don't have any time for--

- Shirts?

I know.

(he roars)

- Tim Kennedy versus zombie Randy Couture

is a fight that many people wished for

but never thought would actually happen.

- One has to wonder thought how being a zombie

will affect the former champion.

- And that's the question everyone's asking, Mike

Randy Couture's always been a very cerebral fighter

but with the lack of a fully functioning frontal lobe,

how will this impact his style?

- I got an idea, let's do this thing.

This fight is brought to you buy North American Rescue,

Federal Resources supply company,

and the xtreme couture GI foundation.

Now, here we go.

(bell dings)

(man laughs)

(indistinct shouting)

- Holy shit, I can't believe this determines

how the fucking world ends!

Really fucked up, like really fucked up.

(indistinct shouting)

- Kennedy appears to have really been working

on his stand up game, Brian.

He looks very alive out there.

- I see what you did there, Mike.

- He's rocked, Brian.

Kennedy could lose here and life as we know it

could end.

(indistinct shouting)

- Hey, never count out a Greg Jackson trained fighter.

Tim Kennedy was born to be underneath other men.

(indistinct shouting)

- Hurry this up, Tim, I'm hungry.

I want snacks!

(indistinct shouting)

- Fuck him up, fuck him up.

Fuck him, fuck him, put it in!

Yeah.

(indistinct shouting)

- He's got the kimura, Brian.

(bone snaps)

But, it doesn't really fucking matter

because he's a zombie.

- Got to admire the toughness of zombie Couture

and you really have to hand it to Tim Kennedy here.

He's keeping Randy at arm's length.

- I got my arm pulled off too.

Rip off the other one!

- Kennedy shoots and he lands the take down.

(they cheer)

Oh Kennedy's locked in the rear naked choke.

That's in deep, Brian.

- But hey, Couture won't tap.

(crowd cheers)

Whoa, it as all over.

Great heads up move by Tim Kennedy

to win that fight and save our asses.

(all cheer)

(somber uplifting instrumental music)

- Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!

Fucking ruin his credit score.

(all cheer)

- That's some bad ass shit, Tim.

Wait, why the fuck did we leave our guns back there?

- How else are we gonna have a final epic battle?

- Wait, epic battle?

I am so tired of you guys smashing your dicks together.

Fuck this.

(zombie growls)

- Just when you thought the night couldn't

get any more intense, it's Danny Trejo's zombie.

- Who the fuck saw this coming.

(he laughs and yells)

- That's all me.

- Over my dead body.

- You know, Mike, Danny Trejo was the San Quentin

boxing champion for five years

in two different weight classes.

However, one has to wonder what a voracious appetite

for human flesh and an inability

to feel pain will do for his skill set.

- Looks once again like we're about to find out.

- I got this!

- Tom is making a classical mistake here, Mike,

in that he really doesn't know that the fuck he's doing.

Danny Trejo is a certified bad ass

who now has supernatural powers.

- [Mat] He's a little fuck, isn't he?

- Good initiative, bad judgment.

- Who's the mother fucking hero now?

- Man, jumping on dud doesn't meant shit.

(explosion)

Mother fucker!

- He's hurt, Brian.

- Now put a cat tourniquet on this.

(tense suspenseful music)

Come on, hurry the fuck up.

- I'm trying, quit squirting.

- I got this.

(he shouts)

- Mike, it looks like they're gonna

go with the team approach now.

In the military, we call this an envelopment,

where you surround the enemy and force him

to fight you on multiple directions.

(he screams)

Or, they're just gonna go at him one by one.

Like fucking morons.

- Straight shot to the wedding tackle,

Brian, it's all over.

- And then he popped his favorite sex doll.

Trejo remains cold as ice.

- Careful, guys.

- I'm big as fuck bro, he can't hurt me.

(tense suspenseful music)

- Wow, Mike, he just chopped him down

like a wet pine tree.

Is it me or did you think he'd have a better chin?

- Well, I think he would of had a better chin.

We're down to two and he's taunting them.

Trejo is really a next level zombie.

- Yeah, I hate to say it,

cause it likely means the end of the world,

but he's just at a different zombie level right now.

- Eeeny, meany, meenie, moe!

- [Brian] Looks like zombie Trejo's identified

his next victim, Mike.

(he screams)

- Wow, that was just bad.

- He's Air Force, Mike.

- And we're down to one.

Looks like Nick is rushing Trejo.

Well that worked out great for, Tom.

He's teeing off, he won't remember this.

- Like a goat at an ISIS convention, Mike,

he's fucked.

- What are we doing?

- We have to get to a place of observation.

(tense dramatic music)

(zombies growl)

- Here comes the fatal bite.

Saved by Kennedy.

I'm worried here, Mike.

Tim is still exhausted from zombie Couture.

- Now, lets not count Kennedy out yet.

As a special forces operator,

he's been in worse spots then this.

- I'm pretty sure that's not true.

- [Mat] Trejo!

- [Mike] Now what just one minute.

- Mat is still up.

- This guys kinda growing on me, Brian.

- Like e coli on pig carcass, Mike.

(howls like wolf)

(he yells)

(tense music)

- Thanks man.

- I owed you for earlier.

It's a fucked up day.

- [Nick] I loved him in Machete.

- [JT] Blue leader six, this is striker 3-1.

Give me some nam cans on the remainders.

Get it out to me, Sandy, I'd do it for you!

(heavy breathing)

(somber instrumental music)

(he yells)

(uplifting classical music)

(explosions)

- We did it.

We saved America.

- America sure is beautiful, isn't she?

- How beautiful?

* Oh beautiful

* For spacious skies

* For amber waves of grain

* For purple mountains majesty

* Above the fruited plains

* America

* America

* God shed his grace on thee

* And crowned thy good

* With brotherhood

* From sea to shining sea

- I want to see every single one of you mother fuckers

in the hallway, right now!

- Morning, Colonel.

- At ease, you son of a bitch.

I can't believe you did it.

- I can't believe you doubted the team.

- That's just as well.

The President will be coming in at 0900 hours

to address the nation.

He wants you front and center with him on stage

as he makes his speech.

You're a hero.

- Sorry sir, but I'm not going up on that podium

without the team.

We did this together.

- Selfless, I like that.

You and your entire team can be on stage

for the big moment.

You guys did a great thing for your country.

It's only right you should all be there.

- Thank you, Colonel.

- No, thank you.

You're finally living up to your potential, Mat.

And I was wrong about you.

You guys have a couple of hours

to go in and get something to eat

and if you want to be on stage,

I suggest you figure out a way to get that doll

of your cock, son.

- Sir, one more thing.

Did you just decide not to shave this morning or?

- It's the end of the world, fuck you.

(he laughs)

- I'm sure the scientists have something

to take your doll of your dick, dude.

- What if I don't want it off?

- What, what do you mean?

- There is no glue.

It's just Velcro.

Tanisha, she's more than a rubber fuck puppet to me.

She's therapy.

(soft somber music)

She's my security blanket.

My best friend.

She's the only person I know

that I can really open up to.

I mean really open up to.

She doesn't judge me, she just listens.

- I had no idea man.

- Everybody thought I went to Wal-Mart

to get some sort of epoxy remover

to get her off my johnson

but the truth is, I just wanted to take her out on a date.

(he cries)

I love you, brother.

- Love you too man

but I'm gonna need you to get your dick off of me.

- Alright, let me get a little fresh air exposed

to it for a minute.

- Why don't you take a couple

and go regroup yourself, right?

Thanks, bro.

- I gotta bounce, bro.

- The President is on his way here right now.

- Yeah, but I have some stuff I got

to take care of bro.

- Shit bigger than the President?

- Yeah.

Sorry, bro.

Gotta go.

- Are you hungry dude?

- Yeah man.

Let's go get some food.

You guys want anything?

- Yeah, we'll be there in a minute.

- Alright.

- Crazy couple of days, huh?

- Yeah, I'm exhausted.

- So, I was thinking,

maybe after this whole thing blows over,

you and I can like get away or something.

- Yeah, fuck it.

Let's do...

You broke me down.

Let's do it.

Let's go to Sandals Jamaica.

We just lay in bed and order room service

for fuel to fuck each others brains out

all day, all night, is that what you want?

(he squeals)

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, you lose a little bit of weight,

get yourself down to a cool 185,

I'll make that happen.

Deal?

- Oh yes, deal.

- Great.

You want some food?

There's a truckload of freedom fudge outside.

- Well, I probably shouldn't.

Technically I haven't slept so it's still my cheat day.

- Yeah of course, sure.

- In a few moments, the President

will speak live about the military containment

of the mysterious virus that has plagued

the United States and neighboring countries

in North and South America for the last three days.

It is believed that one of them is responsible

for saving man kind.

(soft patriotic music)

- My fellow Americans, as you are all painfully aware,

the last few days since the crash of an aircraft

carrying an unknown virus, have been full of sorrow,

heartache, and deep despair.

We lost nearly half of our population in the outbreak

and that's a loss...

- Holy shit, Marcus you made it?

- Damn right.

I'm Marcus Luttrell, fucking live forever.

- Can't you Seals just let us have one fucking movie?

- Absolutely not.

- I hate to single out individuals

but there is one man who's courage,

who's actions, who's tenacity stood head

and shoulders above all others.

This is a man who truly understands the concept

of country before self.

- It's fucking you man.

- It's fucking us.

- He saved our way of life,

he saved America.

Ladies and gentleman,

Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham.

(crowd applauds)

- I want to you know, you're still 2nd best in my eyes.

I'm proud of the man you might become one day.

(energetic patriotic music)

- You know when I saw that video of Gene

taken from one of our space satellites,

I just knew that we would have to give him yet another

medal of honor.

Well done, Gene.

(gunfire)

What marvelous images, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse,

Gene get's this incredible video.

He took the crew and the camera and shot it himself.

(he howls)

- Also, there's a promotional video

that's gonna be out of me killing zombies,

in about 13 days it's gonna be $69.99,

that's eight easy installments.

- [Voiceover] Lots of people wonder what they would

do if the world is ending.

Our story might not be normal

but I learned some important life lessons.

Tim Kennedy's abs are to die for.

That was pun for you, the audience.

Also, JT will never get laid

and killing zombies was actually pretty easy.

Thanks global war on terror.

And most importantly, love is the most powerful emotion

and Rocco, well he found love in a hopeless place.

("Baby Come Back")

(soft country rock music)

(tense electronic hip hop music)

(phone rings)

- God damn, Mat.

Wake the fuck up.

Your phone's been ringing all fucking morning.

- What?

Oh my god.

- What the fuck was that?

- You would think saving the fucking world

would let you keep your job

but I'm fired, again.

- If you want, I can always get you a job

as a janitor at the all girls college I work at.

- Why didn't we think of that before?

- Consider it done.

(he yells)