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1
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,112
- [Voiceover] You have
a collect call from...
2
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,813
- [Voiceover] Ross Patterson.
3
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,983
- [Voiceover] An inmate
at Street Justice Films.
4
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:19,287
(upbeat country music)
5
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,659
- Alright, so no shit.
6
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,261
There I was, on
this train to Paris.
7
00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:29,330
- Will you shut the fuck up?
8
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,232
Shut the fuck up!
9
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,633
(he squeals)
10
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:33,501
Shut the fuck up.
11
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,935
Shut the fuck up!
12
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:38,239
Everybody knows, okay?
13
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,040
Alright, here's to Master
Chief Bill Wizeniski
14
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,875
and Zack Kunkle.
15
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,212
- [Voiceover] Every person
in the military says,
16
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:47,081
they day I get out, I'm
gonna party like it's the end
17
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,716
of the world.
18
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,752
(rapid tense music)
19
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,763
- Good afternoon, Mr. Best,
20
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,565
I'm gonna be your
public defender.
21
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:07,968
Seeing as how your actual
lawyer said and I quote,
22
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,370
"Fuck him, let him
stay in there."
23
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,173
So, the court assigned
me to represent you.
24
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,108
Do you know what you've
been charged with
25
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,609
or are you too
drunk to remember?
26
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:19,147
- I was gonna have to hit
the refresh button, my man.
27
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,013
- Yeah.
28
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:24,718
How bout public intoxication?
29
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,688
- [All] Do it, do
it, do it, do it.
30
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,595
- Mat, don't fucking do it.
31
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,529
(Rocco laughs)
32
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:36,997
- Bro, he's gonna fucking do it.
33
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,467
(Mat laughs)
34
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,068
- I'm gonna live forever!
35
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,604
(crowd cheers)
36
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,439
- [Man Hit] Fuck, not again.
37
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,241
- What the fuck man?
38
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:48,709
- Matt, give him
an R4 trauma bag,
39
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,544
it looks like he's got
a sucking ass wound.
40
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:51,912
(man vomits)
41
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,281
(crowd cheers)
42
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:56,384
(Mat cheers)
43
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:57,918
- [Man] Nice shot!
44
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,255
- Disorderly conduct.
45
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,791
- Don't fucking do it!
46
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,259
- Freedom to fuck off!
47
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,528
(he laughs)
48
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,396
Yes, yes!
49
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,466
- Indecency.
50
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,868
(bell rings)
51
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:15,769
- Bro.
52
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,137
- I know.
(car horn honks)
53
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,839
He's gonna fucking do it.
54
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,040
- Hey, this taking lead?
55
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,376
- Hey, hey, watch the Prius.
56
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:25,078
- Oh, I just Lance
Armstronged your Prius.
57
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,280
That means I lost a ball in it.
58
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,548
(man laughs)
59
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:29,383
- I bet your corp
watches The View.
60
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:30,218
Bro.
61
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,485
(patriotic music)
62
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:32,320
(he farts)
63
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,554
(he laughs)
64
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:35,689
No, but really I bet
it gets good mileage.
65
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:36,624
- What?
66
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,426
(tense instrumental music)
67
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:39,293
- Battery.
68
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,128
- Oh shit.
69
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:46,166
I fucking punched
Kesha last night.
70
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,502
I know this is gonna sound crazy
71
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,038
but I fucking love your music.
72
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,974
- Then show me, Mat.
73
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,545
(she gasps)
74
00:02:57,578 --> 00:03:00,848
(energetic country rock)
75
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,816
- You know that's a
fucking dude, right?
76
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:03,651
- What?
77
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:04,852
- That's a fucking dude.
78
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,153
- Fuck.
79
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,821
- Why you have to
ruin all the fun?
80
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,090
- Yeah, why do you have
to ruin all the fun?
81
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,660
- Fuck.
(she yells)
82
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,363
- Henry Kesha,
Duluth, Minnesota.
83
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:18,165
This is why you're also being
charged with a hate crime.
84
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:21,034
(he coughs)
85
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:23,704
And that carries with
it a class A felony.
86
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:27,074
You normally get it reduced
to class C misdemeanor,
87
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:29,277
I'd have to the court
that you were homosexual,
88
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,945
which isn't much of a lie
based on your sexual advances
89
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:32,780
from last night.
90
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,416
(she moans)
91
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,217
- I'll take the felony, brother.
92
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,620
- Too late, I've already
plea bargained for it.
93
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,554
You'll be out of here at 9 AM.
94
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:41,622
It will count as time served.
95
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,457
(soft patriotic music)
96
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:47,561
Tell us you just got
out of the service.
97
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:50,931
See a lot of guys
coming through here.
98
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:54,468
Word of advice, find
your next objectives.
99
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,571
Something you can live for.
100
00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,340
Choose a new goal to achieve,
101
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,841
learn from your
time in the Army.
102
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:04,077
Don't let it dictate the
entire rest of your life.
103
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,746
- I got a plan.
104
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,282
I'm gonna get out, make
some internet videos,
105
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,918
get famous and probably
make a movie one day.
106
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,120
- Good luck making
a movie out of that.
107
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:14,622
Next thing you'll tell
me is you're making
108
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,690
t-shirts for vets and
selling them online
109
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:17,525
out of your bedroom.
110
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:18,459
- Actually.
111
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,531
(energetic rock music)
112
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:19,186
(energetic rock music)
113
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:58,358
- [Guard] Alright
young man, here you go.
114
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:02,630
Hold on, you ain't going
nowhere without me.
115
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:03,564
You know--
- By the way,
116
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:04,364
how's your youngest daughter?
117
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:05,265
I heard she's turned 18.
118
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,734
- She's doing fine.
119
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,536
She's doing even better
without you around.
120
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:09,369
- [Prisoner] Fuck you, bitch!
121
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:10,170
- Shut up!
122
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:14,274
Aww, it's good to
see you again, Mat.
123
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,208
Sarcasm.
124
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,444
- You too, Wilfred Brimley.
125
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:17,277
- [Guard] Huh?
126
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,779
- Got you too huh?
127
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,180
- [Rocco] Fucking
arrested all of us, bro.
128
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,315
- I'm sure you're all innocent.
129
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:23,951
Try not to fuck
each other in there,
130
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,318
it makes a mess.
131
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,889
(soft patriotic music)
132
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,924
- Oh bravo, Mr. Best.
133
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,626
You know how long it's
been since I've been locked
134
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,161
up in prison?
135
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,263
Let me see, carry the two,
136
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,198
that's right, my
whole fucking life!
137
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,399
- Fuck you!
138
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,668
How was I supposed
to know that--
139
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:44,204
- [Guard] Kesha, Henry
Kesha, you made bail.
140
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,777
- Call me if you want
to party and shit.
141
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,879
Your love's my drug, bro.
142
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:56,416
- Yet another great
night for Mr. Best.
143
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,352
(he laughs)
144
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,220
Let's go.
145
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:02,490
- Hey Mat.
146
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,624
- Holy shit Jack, what's up?
147
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,659
- Not much, same old shit.
148
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,227
- Wait, you weren't even
at my party last night,
149
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,061
were you?
150
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:08,996
- (he laughs)
151
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,098
No, I got arrested on the way.
152
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,533
- So, we gonna...
153
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:14,802
We gonna talk about this?
154
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,471
- This, I was just
fucking around.
155
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:18,972
- I can see that.
156
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:21,308
- Some wise ass filled
her box full of epoxy.
157
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,777
I went to Wal-Mart
to get the removal
158
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,345
and they arrested me.
159
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:28,348
- Did you know it epoxy in
it before you fucked it?
160
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:31,084
- I had my suspicions but
everything speculation
161
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,886
till ya to jam
your dick into it.
162
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,655
- Here's what isn't speculation.
163
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,390
If Gene Vandenham were here
last night instead of you,
164
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:38,926
we wouldn't fucking be here.
165
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,428
- Actually, this is exactly
where I thought we'd end up.
166
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,731
- Fuck Gene and fuck
you for bringing him up
167
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,232
and why is Rocco in the hallway?
168
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,635
- We told the guards that he
takes prison rules seriously.
169
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,569
- What the fuck bro!
170
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,603
I ain't gonna fuck anyone.
171
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,739
(diminishing hum)
172
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,641
- [JT] Oh sweet, we can
play who's in my mouth.
173
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,975
- [Rocco] No,
fair, I'm out here.
174
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,810
(rubber squeaking)
175
00:07:56,844 --> 00:08:00,447
- [Mat] Jack, stop
fucking the doll.
176
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,049
- [Guard] Just hang in there
boys, there's something going
177
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,016
on outside.
178
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,253
Stay right where
you are, alright?
179
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,487
- Fuck this.
180
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,722
Rocco, can you get out
of those handcuffs?
181
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:10,123
- Bro, you know how
fucking big I am?
182
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,727
(tense instrumental music)
183
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:15,896
(zombie growls)
184
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:16,930
- Oh, what the fuck is that?
185
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:17,998
(tense instrumental music)
186
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,033
- Rocco, check your six.
187
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,036
(blood splatters)
188
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:23,871
- [Rocco] Hell yeah!
189
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:24,938
(man cheers)
190
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:25,973
- Fucking killed man.
191
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,174
(Rocco laughs)
192
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,209
- Told you, big as fuck.
193
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,178
- Alright, let's let us out man.
194
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,045
- Yeah.
195
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,214
- Jesus, Rocco.
196
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,983
You just t-boned him
with a metal pole?
197
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:36,917
- What do you want me to do?
198
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:37,851
Glue him to my fucking dick?
199
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,020
- Is that what I think it is?
200
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:43,356
- Boys, I think our wildest
dreams just came true.
201
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:46,927
The mother fucking
zombie Apocalypse!
202
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,129
(all cheer)
203
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,298
(adventurous instrumental music)
204
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:54,067
Sweet fucker of the mother.
205
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,203
- Holy shit, isn't
this fucking awesome?
206
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,705
- It's Marcus Luttrell!
207
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,207
- For a second, I thought
you were Mark Whalberg.
208
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,742
- No, the little fucker
only played me on TV.
209
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,877
- Stop embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
210
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,212
- Bro, it's so fucking
good you're here, man.
211
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,680
- I know.
212
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:07,480
Hey, you guys have been
saving my ass so many times,
213
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:08,281
I'm gonna do it for you.
214
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:09,382
Come on, stack on me,
215
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:10,818
let's get your frogman up.
216
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:13,220
Don't worry about a thing!
217
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,054
(zombie yells)
218
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:15,288
(all groan)
219
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,657
(he screams)
220
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,492
Hey mother fuckers,
you want some of me?
221
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,061
- That was a short book.
222
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,030
- This is how I'm gonna die?
223
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,532
- Looks like we're the
lone survivors now.
224
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,334
(all laugh)
225
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,103
(dramatic tense
instrumental music)
226
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,772
- Alright boys, bring it in.
227
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,741
- Are you about to go
full officer speech?
228
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:34,608
- What?
229
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,076
No, of course not.
230
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,510
- It's confirmed
we're facing some type
231
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,112
of zombie apocalypse outside.
232
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,347
- Are you sure?
233
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,782
- Try to stay with
me, simple Jack,
234
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,117
but judging from our boy here.
235
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,686
Looks like a blow to
the head takes them out.
236
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:47,554
- That sounds like pretty
standard zombie rules to me.
237
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,189
- Now, did anybody see
any weapons laying around?
238
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,357
- They have some
billy clubs over there
239
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,158
and someone else
chained to the bench.
240
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,025
- Billy clubs it is.
241
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,260
What about a vehicle?
242
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,128
- The bar is at least
15 miles from here.
243
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,864
We're better off hitting
the PD impound lot.
244
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:57,965
- Yeah, there's some guns
and shit over there too.
245
00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,166
- Alright, what's the distance?
246
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,100
- From here?
247
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,234
Two, maybe two and a half miles.
248
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,602
- Ah shit, that's far.
249
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,271
- Aright, let's maintain
360 degrees of security.
250
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,039
Stay tight, we don't need
to take it in the rear.
251
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:06,874
(man coughs)
252
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:07,708
- [Nick] Like your mom?
253
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:08,709
- That's what she said.
254
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:09,643
(they cheer)
(he laughs)
255
00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:10,678
- It's time to Vandanham up.
256
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:11,611
- Yeah.
257
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,013
- If you speak his name again,
258
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,148
I will slap you and your
mothers delicious fucking mouth.
259
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,650
- Somebodies jealous.
260
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,551
- He's right man, I actually
kinda like that guy.
261
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:19,987
- Come on, even
his Lifetime movie
262
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,221
was fucking awesome.
263
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,823
I can't believed
he played himself.
264
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:26,259
(somber classical music)
265
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,004
- Hey Gene, welcome home.
266
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,272
(gun shot)
267
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,910
- Gene, you're alive.
268
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,379
- [Gene] That fucking guys not.
269
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,348
- They said your entire
unit died on the news.
270
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,550
(he shushes)
271
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:54,688
- [Gene] This my entire
unit, right here.
272
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:58,091
- Oh my god, it's been so hard.
273
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,693
Oh it's really hard
274
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,830
and so big.
275
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,632
(somber classical music)
276
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:09,602
(she moans)
(he grunts)
277
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:13,040
(somber classical music)
278
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,344
- A soldier came home!
279
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,046
A soldier came home!
280
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:23,817
(she yells)
281
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,754
- The 27 minute sex
scene was a bit much.
282
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,088
- I thought it was tasteful.
283
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,389
- I had to jerk off twice.
284
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,358
- The only boner
I have right now
285
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,493
is for killing zombies.
286
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,762
You fucking ready?
287
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:35,863
Let's roll.
288
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:39,299
(upbeat hip hop music)
289
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,735
(they cheer)
290
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,846
(upbeat hip hop music)
291
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,669
- [Mat] Shit, you alright man?
292
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:18,305
- I think I'm hurt really bad.
293
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:19,539
Don't worry about me,
294
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,241
my Ranger training
will get me through.
295
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,275
- That's the spirit bro,
296
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:23,210
were you in bat?
297
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,577
- Not anymore, I'm in Delta
298
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,013
but I was in 4th battalion.
299
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,547
Just want to get
back to men, Sarge.
300
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,548
- 4th battalion?
301
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,682
Bro, there's only three.
302
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:30,951
- I was special force.
303
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,352
I mean...
304
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:33,486
A top secret!
305
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:35,789
- Wait, I know this guy.
306
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,723
- [Mat] What?
307
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,091
- He's not in the military,
308
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:41,294
he's an air-softer
that works at the DMV.
309
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:44,597
- Fuck stolen valor
and fuck the DMV!
310
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:45,933
(he shouts)
311
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,167
(tense instrumental music)
312
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,601
- You mother fucker!
313
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:49,803
Piece of shit.
314
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,205
Bitches get bit.
315
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,942
(he spits)
316
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,209
- [Jack] Hey guys,
get over here.
317
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:57,344
- [Mat] What?
318
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,215
- Range 15.
319
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,019
You have to get to Range 15.
320
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,454
- [Jack] What's Range 15?
321
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:08,288
(he growls)
322
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,123
(wet thud)
323
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,691
- Let's keep moving
and stick together.
324
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:14,394
Jack, you're already
doing a good job of that.
325
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:15,262
- Yeah.
326
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,833
(tense suspenseful
instrumental music)
327
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,334
(he groans)
328
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,435
- Want to get wet?
329
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,204
I haven't turned
all the way yet.
330
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,439
- Looks just like a girl
I used to fuck in college
331
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,407
- Rocco.
332
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,042
- That's disgusting.
333
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:30,110
- [Rocco] Alright, alright.
334
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,044
- [Mat] No.
335
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:39,719
(tense adventurous music)
336
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,522
Is there anyone in there?
337
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:43,857
We're not infected.
338
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,292
- [Heather] Move it
along, shit necks.
339
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,994
There's nothing here for you.
340
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,661
- Whoa.
341
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:49,729
- Please just let us in,
342
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:50,931
we're survivors.
343
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:51,899
We just killed a
shit ton of zombies.
344
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:52,732
- [Heather] Oh, did you?
345
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,068
Cool story, so did we.
346
00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:57,570
Look guys, we're just
trying to say alive, okay?
347
00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,239
We let you and
Mexican Jay Leno in,
348
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:00,540
you'll steal all of our ammo.
349
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:01,474
(they all laugh)
350
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:02,742
- Why would you say that?
351
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,277
- Listen, I'm not gonna
give a gun to his chin,
352
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,146
if you just let us
have a few weapons,
353
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:09,917
maybe a car, we'll be out
of your beautiful hair.
354
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,252
- Wait, are you Mat Best?
355
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,587
- Every last inch.
356
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:15,822
- We totally fucked last week.
357
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,590
- Of course you did.
358
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:18,625
- Sorry, what's up Eli?
359
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:19,759
- It's Eliza.
360
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:23,230
- Can we rekindle
this romance inside?
361
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:24,097
- Hang on.
362
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,434
- Oh my god, it's so big it
wouldn't even go all the way in.
363
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,202
- Eliza, the beard
and that tattoo,
364
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,237
what did I tell you?
365
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,705
- I love douche bags.
366
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,274
- Alright, fine.
367
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,043
We'll open the door.
368
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:40,547
- Alright, spread those
cheeks, I'm going in.
369
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:44,184
(tense instrumental music)
370
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,888
- [Voiceover] Hello,
this is Robert McWilliams
371
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,257
with Federal Resources.
372
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:51,925
The Bureau of Civil
Defense has issued
373
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,160
an national warning.
374
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,162
A disease of unknown
origin has spread
375
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,563
to pandemic levels.
376
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,031
There is no information...
377
00:14:58,065 --> 00:14:59,166
- Uh, fellas?
378
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:01,701
Unlock me.
379
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,903
- Oh shit, Evan, what
the hell are you doing
380
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,838
chained up in the police armory?
381
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,740
- Cruised over here
to grab some gats,
382
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:10,577
when these fucking dirty
sluts rolled me up.
383
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,679
- This little
hipster looking fuck,
384
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,047
wouldn't share any weapons
385
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,448
and I had to cuff him.
386
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:17,750
- I love the way
your mouth speaks.
387
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,586
- What the fuck is that?
388
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,820
- Oh that.
389
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,822
It's what they call
the grunt pyle.
390
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:27,060
- It literally looks like
seven men scissoring.
391
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,695
- That's exactly what it is.
392
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,497
(indistinct talking)
393
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,265
- I know I'm stating
the obvious here
394
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,667
but you guys are
really fucking hot.
395
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,636
Like snap your fingers hot.
396
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,772
- And you're like the
2nd fattest in the group.
397
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,408
Are we good now, bro?
398
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,675
- I guess.
399
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,477
- What's Range 15?
400
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,713
- That's where that fucking
soldier told us to go.
401
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,315
- It's a fallback
point for an ELE.
402
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,550
- Wait, are you
guys military too?
403
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:51,484
- Yeah.
404
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,953
I'm ex IDF and she's my cousin.
405
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,488
- Wait, your Israeli?
406
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,658
- Yeah, I was like screaming
in Yiddish the entire time.
407
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,128
- No offense but that happens
a lot more than you think.
408
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,262
- A lot more.
409
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,098
- What's an ELE?
410
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:08,235
- Extinction level event, Jack.
411
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,836
- Hey man, I'm really impressed.
412
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,304
- It says it on the map.
413
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:12,505
- God damn it.
414
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,141
- Well, Range 15, that's
where we need to go.
415
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:17,677
- Oh hey, brilliant fucking
idea, tactical Tesla.
416
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,013
Here's another one, we
need to get weapons,
417
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,814
supplies and we need
to check in at the base
418
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,450
to see if it's still intact.
419
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,451
- Thanks, Dad.
420
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,785
Prom ended at 11.
421
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,820
- You guys gonna come with us?
422
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,522
- No, we're all set.
423
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,159
We're just gonna
ride this out until--
424
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,826
- We save the world?
425
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,362
- You guys?
426
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:36,329
Yeah right.
427
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,466
- Listen here, oven mitts,
428
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,833
there's thousands
of them out there
429
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,569
and as bad ass as
you think you are,
430
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,705
you won't be able to
hold them off forever.
431
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:46,873
Boop.
432
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,141
- Jesus could.
433
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:49,709
- Who is this fucking guy?
434
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:50,643
- Jesus?
435
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,011
He's our lord and savoir.
436
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:52,845
He died for our sins.
437
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,347
- Don't mind him.
438
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,416
He was Billy Bob's
stand-in in Sling blade
439
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,585
but that's completely
irrelevant right now.
440
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,253
I'll protect you.
441
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:02,622
- And I will never fuck you.
442
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,497
We'll go but if shit goes down
443
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,732
we're hiding behind
the Crimson Chin here.
444
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,267
- Hey, what's with
all the chintrest?
445
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,303
- That goddamn thing is huge.
446
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:19,072
It's like do you have to
drink with a bendy straw or--
447
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,740
- Can we stop playing
fuck, fuck, goose,
448
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,575
and just gear up?
449
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,043
- You know what guys?
450
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,080
For once in Nicks life,
he's actually fucking right.
451
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:30,517
So wants a sweet
fucking gear up montage?
452
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,885
(all cheer)
453
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,189
This is really
convenient for us.
454
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:39,726
(energetic 80s pop music)
455
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,801
(gunfire)
456
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:54,107
(energetic 80s pop music)
457
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,859
(horns honk)
458
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:27,240
(energetic 80s pop music)
459
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,821
(saxophone plays)
460
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:52,899
(energetic pop music)
461
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:04,211
(saxophone plays)
462
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:18,925
(energetic pop music)
(saxophone plays)
463
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,718
(they laugh)
464
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,220
- [Mat] I feel like I just
blacked out on freedom.
465
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,922
- [JT] I feel like I got butt
fucked by Francis Scott Key.
466
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,259
- Is there any dialogue
between you two
467
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,627
that doesn't involve
homo sexual undertones?
468
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,063
- Not one single time.
469
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,532
- Just keep your
body away from me.
470
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:00,900
(tense dramatic music)
471
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,102
(gunshot)
472
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,139
- Holy shit!
473
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:08,841
Zombies one o'clock.
474
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:18,585
("What a Wonderful World")
(gunfire)
475
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:18,878
("What a Wonderful World"
(gunfire)
476
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:32,091
(gunfire)
477
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:40,166
- [Mat] Jack killed everything.
478
00:21:40,199 --> 00:21:41,100
- [Man] Jesus.
479
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,034
- [Nick] Let's go, let's go.
480
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:44,103
- [Mat] Let's go, let's go.
481
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:48,608
- [JT] We should
all take Camaros.
482
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,176
- Bro, this isn't Swingers.
483
00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:52,178
We're not taking 30 cars.
484
00:21:52,211 --> 00:21:53,680
- What do you suggest?
485
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:54,914
- We can take the whisky
truck that they confiscated
486
00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:56,182
the night I got arrested.
487
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:57,717
- I'll drive.
488
00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,352
- You sure you don't want to
put your dick in it first?
489
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:00,753
- If he did, I bet
he'd fill it up with--
490
00:22:00,787 --> 00:22:02,154
- Premium?
491
00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:04,691
- It's like you're
living inside of me!
492
00:22:04,724 --> 00:22:05,892
(he laughs)
493
00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:07,694
- Bro, she's never
gonna fuck you, alright?
494
00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:09,429
Evan, what the
fuck are you doing?
495
00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:10,363
- Taking a piss.
496
00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:11,263
(zombie growls)
497
00:22:11,297 --> 00:22:12,131
(tense dramatic music)
498
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:12,965
(Evan groans)
499
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:15,201
(all scream)
500
00:22:15,234 --> 00:22:16,603
- What happened?
501
00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:17,437
- Fuck!
502
00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:18,371
(man laughs)
503
00:22:18,405 --> 00:22:20,306
Fucking ripped my dick off!
504
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:23,042
(he screams)
505
00:22:23,075 --> 00:22:24,911
- Hey, on scale
from shaft to tip,
506
00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:26,413
how much did that fucker get?
507
00:22:26,446 --> 00:22:27,580
- Shut up!
508
00:22:27,614 --> 00:22:28,848
Get over here and help me!
509
00:22:28,881 --> 00:22:32,118
- Come Evan, quit
dicking around.
510
00:22:32,151 --> 00:22:33,085
(he laughs)
511
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:34,220
- Fuck you.
512
00:22:34,253 --> 00:22:36,088
- Hey bro, you
really got the shaft.
513
00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,023
(he laughs)
514
00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:38,157
- This is worse than syphilis.
515
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:38,991
(all laugh)
516
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:40,092
Fuck you!
517
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:41,327
Just fucking kill me.
518
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,829
- No bro, we're
gonna let you turn
519
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:44,697
and then feed you your own dick,
520
00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:45,965
you cock sucker.
521
00:22:45,998 --> 00:22:47,333
- Fuck you man!
522
00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,868
(all yell)
523
00:22:48,901 --> 00:22:52,238
(tense energetic music)
524
00:22:53,139 --> 00:22:55,274
(all cheer)
525
00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:56,909
- Hey Evan, there you go
526
00:22:56,943 --> 00:22:58,177
- Just fucking kill me.
527
00:22:58,210 --> 00:22:59,011
- Hey no bro, I'm just kidding.
528
00:22:59,045 --> 00:22:59,846
I'll kill you.
529
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,281
(gunshot)
530
00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:04,551
- Just like all the others.
531
00:23:05,785 --> 00:23:06,619
- You guys ready?
532
00:23:06,653 --> 00:23:07,787
Let's go.
533
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:09,556
To the whiskey truck.
534
00:23:10,423 --> 00:23:14,126
(energetic heavy rock music)
535
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:36,716
- Fuck bro, I need some food.
536
00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,685
Killing zombies really
works up an appetite.
537
00:23:38,718 --> 00:23:39,886
- Hey man, be careful in there.
538
00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:42,655
Do me a favor, grab your rifle.
539
00:23:42,689 --> 00:23:44,056
- Do you see you where we are?
540
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:45,191
Pretty sure it's abandoned.
541
00:23:45,224 --> 00:23:46,425
Anyone else?
542
00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:47,093
- Anything that
rhymes with beer.
543
00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:48,595
(he laughs)
544
00:23:48,628 --> 00:23:50,096
- It's great to see that the
zombie fucking apocalypse
545
00:23:50,129 --> 00:23:51,464
hasn't changed you.
546
00:23:51,498 --> 00:23:52,298
Grab me some Kill Cliff.
547
00:23:52,331 --> 00:23:53,232
- [Rocco] Got it.
548
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:54,634
- I'll take some goldfish.
549
00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:57,570
- That's a children's
snack, you fat fuck.
550
00:23:57,604 --> 00:24:00,172
- [JT] I do have a
boyish quality about me.
551
00:24:00,206 --> 00:24:02,241
- And it shines through
like heavens light on
552
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:03,375
to all of us.
553
00:24:04,811 --> 00:24:06,045
- Anyone else?
554
00:24:06,078 --> 00:24:07,747
- Seriously man, stay
away from the glass.
555
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:08,981
I don't want you
getting yanked through.
556
00:24:09,015 --> 00:24:10,783
- Bro, do you see
how fucking big I am?
557
00:24:10,817 --> 00:24:12,451
You know how big a
mother fucker would have
558
00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:13,686
to be to fucking pull
me through a window?
559
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,188
- Surprisingly, I'm
with Nick on this one
560
00:24:16,222 --> 00:24:18,691
because if this
was a zombie movie,
561
00:24:18,725 --> 00:24:20,159
you'd be getting ripped
through that glass
562
00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:21,393
right about now.
563
00:24:21,427 --> 00:24:22,962
- Mat, this isn't
a zombie movie.
564
00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:24,130
(glass shatters)
565
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:25,364
(he yells)
566
00:24:25,397 --> 00:24:26,465
- Mother fucker, let's
go, let's go, let's go.
567
00:24:26,499 --> 00:24:27,667
(tense instrumental music)
568
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:28,601
- [Eliza] Shit, did
you see the size
569
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:31,037
of that mother fucking zombie?
570
00:24:32,204 --> 00:24:33,372
- Fucking men.
571
00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:37,409
(tense adventurous music)
572
00:24:37,443 --> 00:24:38,845
- Are you infected?
573
00:24:38,878 --> 00:24:39,712
Answer me.
574
00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:42,148
- You tell me dude.
575
00:24:42,181 --> 00:24:44,617
Whoa, you gonna shoot
me for stealing?
576
00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:46,018
- What?
577
00:24:46,052 --> 00:24:46,819
- That's right, I'm
Slurpees for free and shit.
578
00:24:46,853 --> 00:24:48,054
What up?
579
00:24:48,087 --> 00:24:50,056
Lights were out, so I
came in to get mine.
580
00:24:50,089 --> 00:24:51,591
Know what I'm saying?
581
00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:53,492
- Hey fuck stick, it's the
zombie fucking apocalypse.
582
00:24:53,526 --> 00:24:56,162
You can literally take
anything in here if you wanted.
583
00:24:56,195 --> 00:24:57,864
- Oh shit, for real?
584
00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:01,834
God it's hot in here.
585
00:25:01,868 --> 00:25:03,570
That's why I stripped down.
586
00:25:03,603 --> 00:25:05,838
Skins a natural
coolant, my uncle says.
587
00:25:05,872 --> 00:25:08,240
Level with me bro, shits
for real free free?
588
00:25:08,274 --> 00:25:10,242
Cause I kinda feel like I'm
being mind tricked here.
589
00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:12,712
- Mother fucker,
get the fuck out!
590
00:25:12,745 --> 00:25:14,747
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
591
00:25:15,782 --> 00:25:16,649
Hey, doll dick.
592
00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:19,752
(tense dramatic music)
593
00:25:19,786 --> 00:25:23,623
You look like Randy Quaid
with Downs syndrome.
594
00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:27,994
- Randy Quaid is
an American legend.
595
00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,663
I loved him in Chaddyshack 2!
596
00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:34,500
(gunfire)
(he cries)
597
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,936
Why'd you make me do this?
598
00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:39,205
(he cries)
599
00:25:40,172 --> 00:25:41,540
- Hey Rocco, Rocco.
600
00:25:41,574 --> 00:25:43,475
- Shit, if he's a zombie,
I get to kill him.
601
00:25:43,509 --> 00:25:44,744
- [Mat] He's my fucking friend.
602
00:25:44,777 --> 00:25:45,812
- [Nick] It doesn't
matter, I called it.
603
00:25:45,845 --> 00:25:48,014
He's like a 12 point buck.
604
00:25:49,649 --> 00:25:51,383
(metal banging)
605
00:25:51,417 --> 00:25:53,085
- Oh my fucking god.
606
00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:55,888
(she growls)
607
00:25:55,922 --> 00:25:59,125
- Jesus tap dancing
Christ, what the fuck?
608
00:25:59,158 --> 00:26:01,694
- You guys want to give
me a fucking minute?
609
00:26:01,728 --> 00:26:04,797
- For the first time in
my life, I have no words.
610
00:26:04,831 --> 00:26:06,633
- Is it weird that
I'm kinda in to it?
611
00:26:06,666 --> 00:26:08,935
- You have a doll glued
to your cock, Jack.
612
00:26:08,968 --> 00:26:10,369
So no, not really.
613
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:11,604
- This is some barrack shit.
614
00:26:11,638 --> 00:26:13,239
I'm gonna get some
freedom fudge.
615
00:26:13,272 --> 00:26:16,709
- I'll get some with you
too, don't tell Heather.
616
00:26:16,743 --> 00:26:17,710
- Who's next?
617
00:26:17,744 --> 00:26:20,246
(metal banging)
(zombie growls)
618
00:26:20,279 --> 00:26:21,480
(he moans)
619
00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:23,883
- Is there supposed
to be that much blood?
620
00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:25,317
- I hope so.
621
00:26:25,351 --> 00:26:27,019
- Oh shit yeah, fuck!
622
00:26:27,053 --> 00:26:28,187
- Okay, I'm good.
623
00:26:28,220 --> 00:26:29,656
Time to go, Jack.
624
00:26:31,457 --> 00:26:33,125
- [Jack] I want one.
625
00:26:34,126 --> 00:26:36,796
(zombie growls)
626
00:26:38,364 --> 00:26:39,431
- Yeah, yeah.
627
00:26:42,334 --> 00:26:44,170
(man laughs)
628
00:26:44,203 --> 00:26:45,571
- [Mat] You ready,
zombie fucker?
629
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:46,806
- What, bro?
630
00:26:46,839 --> 00:26:48,140
That's some bucket
list type shit.
631
00:26:48,174 --> 00:26:49,541
- [Heather] For
who, a necrophiliac?
632
00:26:49,575 --> 00:26:51,477
- Oh come on, she
didn't look that dead.
633
00:26:51,510 --> 00:26:52,478
- Agreed.
634
00:26:52,511 --> 00:26:53,345
Kidding.
635
00:26:54,513 --> 00:26:55,748
I want you to know I'm
a perfect gentleman
636
00:26:55,782 --> 00:26:57,650
and I would never fuck a zombie.
637
00:26:57,684 --> 00:26:59,451
- So what if I
turned into a zombie?
638
00:26:59,485 --> 00:27:00,653
Would you fuck me?
639
00:27:00,687 --> 00:27:02,588
- Why, do you want
to turn into a zombie
640
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:03,823
and have sex with me?
641
00:27:03,856 --> 00:27:05,324
- See.
642
00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,760
- What I was answering a
question with a question.
643
00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:10,296
(Mat whistles)
644
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:13,866
- This bitch got enough gas
to get us to base, you think?
645
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:15,501
- I hope so man.
646
00:27:15,534 --> 00:27:17,636
I don't think I can
handle seeing another
zombie get fucked.
647
00:27:17,670 --> 00:27:19,038
- I've seen worse bro,
you'll be alright.
648
00:27:19,071 --> 00:27:19,906
Thailand.
649
00:27:21,373 --> 00:27:25,111
(upbeat romantic soul music)
650
00:27:56,475 --> 00:27:59,011
- You know, I can't believe
you just fucking did that.
651
00:27:59,045 --> 00:28:00,546
(he laughs)
652
00:28:00,579 --> 00:28:02,749
- I'm telling you, I found
love in a hopeless place.
653
00:28:02,782 --> 00:28:05,084
- Did you seriously just
quote a Rhianna song
654
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,986
to describe sex with a zombie?
655
00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:09,321
- I feel like I'm her
Chris Brown, you know?
656
00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:10,422
- You didn't beat her as much.
657
00:28:10,456 --> 00:28:11,924
Terrible euphemism.
658
00:28:11,958 --> 00:28:13,259
- [Eliza] Seriously.
659
00:28:13,292 --> 00:28:14,526
- You know, I'm not ashamed.
660
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,262
The heart wants what
the heart wants.
661
00:28:16,295 --> 00:28:20,066
(upbeat romantic soul music)
662
00:28:31,177 --> 00:28:32,144
- No, don't drink it!
663
00:28:32,178 --> 00:28:33,345
- What the fuck, bro.
664
00:28:33,379 --> 00:28:34,580
- It's a bad batch.
665
00:28:34,613 --> 00:28:36,015
- He put viper semen in it.
666
00:28:36,048 --> 00:28:37,483
- Well, a scientist did.
667
00:28:37,516 --> 00:28:40,119
- Since is when a scientist
part of a distillery?
668
00:28:40,152 --> 00:28:41,754
- You see, my dad's
old Army buddy
669
00:28:41,788 --> 00:28:43,289
is an amateur scientist,
670
00:28:43,322 --> 00:28:44,891
he's the only one we knew
how could distill whiskey.
671
00:28:44,924 --> 00:28:46,058
This was our first batch.
672
00:28:46,092 --> 00:28:47,693
- An amateur scientist?
673
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:49,929
That would be like using
an amateur bomb tech.
674
00:28:49,962 --> 00:28:53,099
That just shouldn't be a thing.
675
00:28:53,132 --> 00:28:54,867
Is that toxic shit
even drinkable?
676
00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:57,736
- I'm gonna go
with a soft, maybe.
677
00:28:59,371 --> 00:29:00,873
Fuck.
678
00:29:00,907 --> 00:29:02,408
We got trouble up ahead.
679
00:29:02,441 --> 00:29:03,843
(tense music)
680
00:29:03,876 --> 00:29:05,644
- I don't we can get
around this shit, man.
681
00:29:05,677 --> 00:29:07,013
- You glorious fucks cover me,
682
00:29:07,046 --> 00:29:08,514
I'll move the Humvee.
683
00:29:08,547 --> 00:29:12,084
(tense instrumental music)
684
00:29:19,191 --> 00:29:21,360
(gunfire)
685
00:29:24,096 --> 00:29:25,731
- [Rocco] Out of ammo,
going to the truck.
686
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:27,433
- Grab me some mags!
687
00:29:29,802 --> 00:29:32,304
(zombie growls)
688
00:29:32,338 --> 00:29:34,673
(he grunts)
689
00:29:36,175 --> 00:29:37,443
(gunshot)
690
00:29:37,476 --> 00:29:39,211
- Who's the punk bitch now?
691
00:29:39,245 --> 00:29:41,680
Where the fuck are the keys?
692
00:29:41,713 --> 00:29:44,683
Fucking Humvees
shouldn't have keys.
693
00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:48,888
(tense instrumental music)
(gunfire)
694
00:29:55,427 --> 00:29:57,930
(beer fizzes)
695
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,370
(flames crackle)
696
00:30:05,337 --> 00:30:08,607
(tense dramatic music)
697
00:30:16,415 --> 00:30:17,249
- Oh shit.
698
00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:18,951
(he laughs)
699
00:30:18,985 --> 00:30:20,019
- Guys, hold you fire.
700
00:30:20,052 --> 00:30:21,420
- [Rocco] Holy shit.
701
00:30:21,453 --> 00:30:23,455
- Viper semen forever.
702
00:30:23,489 --> 00:30:24,390
- What happened?
703
00:30:24,423 --> 00:30:25,757
- Amateur scientist for the win.
704
00:30:25,791 --> 00:30:28,394
I think we just found
ourselves a cure.
705
00:30:28,427 --> 00:30:30,429
- You've got to be shitting me.
706
00:30:30,462 --> 00:30:31,530
(he laughs)
707
00:30:31,563 --> 00:30:32,664
- Nope.
708
00:30:32,698 --> 00:30:33,599
- Well, if the
Colonels still alive,
709
00:30:33,632 --> 00:30:35,067
we gotta get to him ASAP.
710
00:30:35,101 --> 00:30:37,003
- I can not wait to see
the look on his face
711
00:30:37,036 --> 00:30:39,972
when he finds out the cure
for the zombie apocalypse
712
00:30:40,006 --> 00:30:41,307
came from you.
713
00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:44,376
- Shit is gonna be
good, my friend.
714
00:30:44,410 --> 00:30:47,246
Let's go butt fuck some zombies.
715
00:30:47,279 --> 00:30:50,782
(soft instrumental music)
716
00:30:58,257 --> 00:30:59,625
- Get back in your vehicle.
717
00:30:59,658 --> 00:31:01,660
This is a secure
government installation
718
00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:03,930
and you cannot walk around
here without a PT belt.
719
00:31:03,963 --> 00:31:05,664
- Easy there, high speed.
720
00:31:05,697 --> 00:31:06,933
This is my safety.
721
00:31:06,966 --> 00:31:08,800
- No PT belt, no access buddy.
722
00:31:08,834 --> 00:31:10,002
- Whoa, whoa whoa.
723
00:31:10,036 --> 00:31:11,770
I was just testing you
724
00:31:11,803 --> 00:31:13,439
and you passed.
725
00:31:13,472 --> 00:31:15,341
Now, I don't have any PT belts
726
00:31:15,374 --> 00:31:18,810
but what I do have is
some challenge coins.
727
00:31:18,844 --> 00:31:19,678
Huh, huh?
728
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:21,680
- Is that real?
729
00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:22,614
- Are those real?
730
00:31:22,648 --> 00:31:23,749
- Oh, they're real my friend.
731
00:31:23,782 --> 00:31:25,651
- The fuck outta here.
732
00:31:25,684 --> 00:31:26,485
- [Mat] There we go.
733
00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:27,353
- Oh man!
734
00:31:28,854 --> 00:31:29,956
- Now, is the Colonel here
735
00:31:29,989 --> 00:31:31,757
and more importantly
is he alive?
736
00:31:31,790 --> 00:31:32,591
- Yeah he's alive.
737
00:31:32,624 --> 00:31:34,026
He's at the jock.
738
00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,127
Can we keep these?
739
00:31:35,161 --> 00:31:36,062
- All yours.
740
00:31:36,095 --> 00:31:37,763
Let's open that gate then, yeah?
741
00:31:37,796 --> 00:31:38,597
- [Soldier] Okay, yeah.
742
00:31:38,630 --> 00:31:40,166
- Oh.
743
00:31:40,199 --> 00:31:41,033
Alright.
744
00:31:43,335 --> 00:31:44,436
- Just kinda.
745
00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:46,705
Kinda put your back into it.
746
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:47,739
- Does it go that way?
747
00:31:47,773 --> 00:31:49,108
It's a new gate.
748
00:31:50,176 --> 00:31:51,777
I got it, I got it.
749
00:31:53,045 --> 00:31:53,980
I got it.
750
00:31:54,013 --> 00:31:55,447
- What the fuck just happened?
751
00:31:55,481 --> 00:31:57,616
- The Army's real
weird about PT belts.
752
00:31:57,649 --> 00:31:59,151
(he laughs)
753
00:31:59,185 --> 00:32:00,719
- So to keep you safe, they
we're going to shoot you?
754
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:02,021
- Yeah.
755
00:32:02,054 --> 00:32:03,522
- And they didn't
because of coins?
756
00:32:03,555 --> 00:32:04,823
- You've got to understand.
757
00:32:04,856 --> 00:32:06,692
Challenge coins are
like PO kryptonite.
758
00:32:06,725 --> 00:32:08,694
They're defenseless
to their power.
759
00:32:08,727 --> 00:32:11,998
(upbeat marching music)
760
00:32:14,833 --> 00:32:16,168
- You tell that shit for brains
761
00:32:16,202 --> 00:32:17,269
I want no more excuses.
762
00:32:17,303 --> 00:32:18,504
I want to hit them.
763
00:32:18,537 --> 00:32:19,538
I want to know how
many are out there.
764
00:32:19,571 --> 00:32:20,906
I want to know who's on...
765
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:21,773
What?
766
00:32:23,009 --> 00:32:25,244
What the fuck do we have here?
767
00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:28,114
(he laughs)
768
00:32:28,147 --> 00:32:29,681
Mat fucking Best.
769
00:32:29,715 --> 00:32:30,916
- Colonel.
770
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:32,318
- Is that a blow up
doll you got glued
771
00:32:32,351 --> 00:32:33,152
to your cock there, son?
772
00:32:33,185 --> 00:32:33,986
(he laughs)
773
00:32:34,020 --> 00:32:35,221
- Sort of.
774
00:32:35,254 --> 00:32:36,055
You see, I fell down
with my pants unzipped
775
00:32:36,088 --> 00:32:36,888
and I just kinda--
776
00:32:36,922 --> 00:32:37,990
- Oh shut the fuck up!
777
00:32:38,024 --> 00:32:38,924
- Alright.
778
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,326
- Now, gentlemen, stand down.
779
00:32:40,359 --> 00:32:43,295
Let me have a moment
with this guy alone.
780
00:32:43,329 --> 00:32:44,230
Alright.
781
00:32:44,263 --> 00:32:45,364
- Colonel, it's been a minute.
782
00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:47,099
How you been?
783
00:32:47,133 --> 00:32:49,101
- I'm surprised that you two
ass hats are still alive.
784
00:32:49,135 --> 00:32:50,969
- And we found a cure.
785
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:53,605
(soft suspenseful music)
786
00:32:53,639 --> 00:32:54,840
- Are you serious?
787
00:32:54,873 --> 00:32:57,576
- Serious as a heart
attack, my friend.
788
00:32:57,609 --> 00:32:59,111
- In my office now, Mr. Best.
789
00:32:59,145 --> 00:33:00,379
- [Mat] Got it.
790
00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:03,782
- You stay here, Gomer Pyle.
791
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:07,986
(soft uplifting
instrumental music)
792
00:33:15,461 --> 00:33:17,796
- Love what you've done
with the place, Colonel.
793
00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:20,399
It's very, restoration
hardware meets MASH.
794
00:33:20,432 --> 00:33:22,101
- Oh, zip your dick!
795
00:33:23,302 --> 00:33:25,237
Now, we found the cure,
is about the only words
796
00:33:25,271 --> 00:33:28,074
you could of used to prevent
me from putting my foot
797
00:33:28,107 --> 00:33:29,308
in your ass.
798
00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:31,310
- What's with the
hostility, sir?
799
00:33:31,343 --> 00:33:32,578
- Really?
800
00:33:32,611 --> 00:33:33,679
You didn't fuck my
arm less daughter?
801
00:33:33,712 --> 00:33:36,182
(she moans)
802
00:33:36,215 --> 00:33:37,916
- This is way better
than a hand job!
803
00:33:37,949 --> 00:33:39,151
(tires screech)
804
00:33:39,185 --> 00:33:42,121
(she moans)
805
00:33:42,154 --> 00:33:42,954
- Daddy?
806
00:33:42,988 --> 00:33:44,123
- What the fuck?
807
00:33:44,156 --> 00:33:44,956
What the fuck?
808
00:33:44,990 --> 00:33:45,824
- Shit!
809
00:33:47,493 --> 00:33:51,430
I am pretty sure I would
of remembered that.
810
00:33:51,463 --> 00:33:53,099
- Hey, Daddy, do you
have the barracks keys?
811
00:33:53,132 --> 00:33:54,533
- Coming in hot.
812
00:33:54,566 --> 00:33:56,034
(keys jangle)
813
00:33:56,068 --> 00:33:58,104
- What the stump fuck?
814
00:33:58,137 --> 00:34:01,207
- Look at my daughter,
Sergeant Best.
815
00:34:03,175 --> 00:34:05,211
Doesn't ring a bell, still?
816
00:34:05,244 --> 00:34:08,514
- It's nice to see
you from the front.
817
00:34:08,547 --> 00:34:10,048
- What is it, Mary?
818
00:34:10,082 --> 00:34:12,118
- That Special Ops guy is
in the Mess Hall for you.
819
00:34:12,151 --> 00:34:13,352
- Well tell him I
still need a minute.
820
00:34:13,385 --> 00:34:14,620
- Okay.
821
00:34:14,653 --> 00:34:17,523
- [Colonel] So, tell
me about this cure.
822
00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:20,292
- Why don't you tell
me how it happened.
823
00:34:20,326 --> 00:34:22,594
- This isn't fucking Clue!
824
00:34:22,628 --> 00:34:26,031
Take shit seriously for
once in your life, Mat.
825
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:28,800
A plane crashed coming
in from overseas.
826
00:34:28,834 --> 00:34:30,802
We don't know if
it was on purpose
827
00:34:30,836 --> 00:34:34,340
or if a passenger unknowingly
had the virus and spread it.
828
00:34:34,373 --> 00:34:37,309
The disease spread like herpes
in a Fort Bragg barracks.
829
00:34:37,343 --> 00:34:40,479
Right now, all we need
to do is contain it.
830
00:34:40,512 --> 00:34:42,481
Candlestick, library, go.
831
00:34:42,514 --> 00:34:43,849
- Well as crazy as it sounds.
832
00:34:43,882 --> 00:34:46,185
The guys and I have
been distilling whiskey
833
00:34:46,218 --> 00:34:49,955
and let's just say
we had a bad crate.
834
00:34:49,988 --> 00:34:51,323
- Bad crate of
distilled whiskey?
835
00:34:51,357 --> 00:34:52,258
I'm not following.
836
00:34:52,291 --> 00:34:54,960
- It was mixed with viper semen.
837
00:34:56,128 --> 00:34:58,264
- That sounds like a
shitty internet video
838
00:34:58,297 --> 00:34:59,498
or the plot of a bad movie.
839
00:34:59,531 --> 00:35:02,201
(they laugh)
840
00:35:02,234 --> 00:35:05,137
- As as ridiculous as it
sounds, it's the truth.
841
00:35:05,171 --> 00:35:06,705
One of my guys
smashed a zombies head
842
00:35:06,738 --> 00:35:09,141
in with the whiskey bottle
and they changed back.
843
00:35:09,175 --> 00:35:10,442
- [Colonel] Where's
this whiskey now?
844
00:35:10,476 --> 00:35:11,977
- It's safe in the Mess Hall.
845
00:35:12,010 --> 00:35:13,879
- With the guy from Of Mice
and Men and the chubby one?
846
00:35:13,912 --> 00:35:17,883
- I like to consider it the
Ranger Up and article 15.
847
00:35:17,916 --> 00:35:19,318
- I'll have one
of my guys grab it
848
00:35:19,351 --> 00:35:21,453
and take it over to Range 15.
849
00:35:21,487 --> 00:35:22,688
- Why don't you
just test it here
850
00:35:22,721 --> 00:35:24,356
and distribute it
amongst the people?
851
00:35:24,390 --> 00:35:26,225
- Our building was compromised
and most of the scientists
852
00:35:26,258 --> 00:35:27,459
were killed.
853
00:35:27,493 --> 00:35:29,428
The remaining ones, we
sent over to Ranger 15.
854
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,129
- Well then, we'll just take
it over to Range 15 ourselves.
855
00:35:31,163 --> 00:35:32,063
- Oh, shit.
856
00:35:33,232 --> 00:35:34,032
I'm not gonna leave
the fate of the world
857
00:35:34,065 --> 00:35:35,301
to you fuck offs.
858
00:35:35,334 --> 00:35:37,068
- No offense Colonel
but I trust us
859
00:35:37,102 --> 00:35:38,504
more than I trust your guy.
860
00:35:38,537 --> 00:35:39,938
Our guys are fearless.
861
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,241
- I bet I can fit 14
hot dogs in my mouth.
862
00:35:42,274 --> 00:35:43,375
- I bet I can do 30.
863
00:35:43,409 --> 00:35:45,411
- Why would you want to do that?
864
00:35:45,444 --> 00:35:47,513
- Because we're fearless!
865
00:35:54,353 --> 00:35:56,054
- I prefer my guy.
866
00:35:56,087 --> 00:35:58,657
- And who the fuck is your guy?
867
00:35:58,690 --> 00:36:01,193
- Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham.
868
00:36:01,227 --> 00:36:02,594
Have you heard of him?
869
00:36:02,628 --> 00:36:03,829
- Yeah, I've fucking
heard of him.
870
00:36:03,862 --> 00:36:05,331
Fuck Gene.
871
00:36:05,364 --> 00:36:06,498
You know all that mother
fucker is is the little--
872
00:36:06,532 --> 00:36:07,366
- Hero?
873
00:36:08,367 --> 00:36:11,870
(energetic marching music)
874
00:36:25,617 --> 00:36:28,587
Sergeant Major Gene
Vandenham is America.
875
00:36:28,620 --> 00:36:30,589
I fucking love that guy.
876
00:36:30,622 --> 00:36:32,090
Everybody loves that guy.
877
00:36:32,123 --> 00:36:34,159
Now, that's the kind man I
want to see my daughter with.
878
00:36:34,192 --> 00:36:35,627
Hell, that's the kind
of guy everybody wants
879
00:36:35,661 --> 00:36:36,862
to see their daughter with.
880
00:36:36,895 --> 00:36:38,964
You know, I'ma be
honest with you.
881
00:36:38,997 --> 00:36:41,099
I've been married
for over 38 years now
882
00:36:41,132 --> 00:36:42,934
and if Gene Vandenham asked me
883
00:36:42,968 --> 00:36:45,070
to take him in my mouth,
884
00:36:45,103 --> 00:36:46,905
I'd honestly consider it.
885
00:36:46,938 --> 00:36:48,407
- God man.
886
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:51,510
- You and your boys can
follow on a convoy behind.
887
00:36:51,543 --> 00:36:54,045
That will be all, Sergeant.
888
00:36:54,079 --> 00:36:54,913
- Thanks.
889
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,284
- And keep your
dick in your pants.
890
00:36:58,317 --> 00:36:59,851
- I nub you.
891
00:36:59,885 --> 00:37:01,553
- [Colonel] Asshole.
892
00:37:05,991 --> 00:37:07,526
- [Nick] So what happened?
893
00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:09,395
- He said their
scientists are at Range 15
894
00:37:09,428 --> 00:37:11,297
and they want fucking
Gene Vandenham
895
00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:12,831
to take the whiskey there
896
00:37:12,864 --> 00:37:16,134
and we get to follow along
in a sweet fuck train.
897
00:37:16,167 --> 00:37:17,168
- Fucking bullshit!
898
00:37:17,202 --> 00:37:18,103
That's our whiskey.
899
00:37:18,136 --> 00:37:20,272
- [JT] And our viper semen!
900
00:37:20,306 --> 00:37:23,575
- Look Matt, sometimes
things can look pretty bleak
901
00:37:23,609 --> 00:37:24,876
but when life gets hard--
902
00:37:24,910 --> 00:37:26,912
- Nick, you promised.
903
00:37:26,945 --> 00:37:28,146
- No officer shit, bro.
904
00:37:28,179 --> 00:37:29,581
- Alright, alright.
905
00:37:29,615 --> 00:37:31,116
Seriously, though.
906
00:37:31,149 --> 00:37:33,385
If Gene takes the whiskey,
we've got a much better chance
907
00:37:33,419 --> 00:37:34,886
of success.
908
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:36,322
- And a much better chance
that none of us get killed.
909
00:37:36,355 --> 00:37:37,923
- I'm cool with that.
910
00:37:37,956 --> 00:37:39,491
- I would of protected you.
911
00:37:39,525 --> 00:37:40,726
- Oh yeah?
912
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:43,362
Let's see, go with the
world renowned hero
913
00:37:43,395 --> 00:37:46,231
or a guy who shoved 14
hot dogs in his mouth.
914
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:47,966
- Dude, you dogged 14?
915
00:37:47,999 --> 00:37:49,468
Champion!
916
00:37:49,501 --> 00:37:51,803
- No, that's not a
high five moment.
917
00:37:51,837 --> 00:37:53,372
- Every moments a
high five moment.
918
00:37:53,405 --> 00:37:54,673
(door hinges creak)
919
00:37:54,706 --> 00:37:55,541
- Oh god.
920
00:37:56,442 --> 00:37:59,878
(energetic classic rock)
921
00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:11,289
(she moans)
922
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,714
(energetic classic rock)
923
00:38:37,716 --> 00:38:41,887
(she moans)
(water splashes)
924
00:39:06,512 --> 00:39:09,014
- [Gene] You boys
have the whiskey?
925
00:39:09,047 --> 00:39:10,449
- Oh yeah.
926
00:39:10,482 --> 00:39:12,150
- Hand it over, son.
927
00:39:13,919 --> 00:39:15,821
(soft light romantic music)
928
00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:17,055
- I'm sorry, I just--
929
00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:20,191
- You, you, you, just
got lost in my eyes?
930
00:39:20,225 --> 00:39:22,794
Relax, it doesn't make you gay.
931
00:39:22,828 --> 00:39:24,463
It makes you compassionate.
932
00:39:24,496 --> 00:39:26,064
- Oh, you're so right, Gene.
933
00:39:26,097 --> 00:39:27,332
- I know.
934
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:28,199
Release.
935
00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:33,639
There's my fat bottomed girl.
936
00:39:33,672 --> 00:39:35,807
Thanks, Guardians of the Galaxy,
937
00:39:35,841 --> 00:39:38,143
I'll keep an eye on
you in my rear view.
938
00:39:38,176 --> 00:39:39,310
Stay close.
939
00:39:39,344 --> 00:39:40,512
You too, second.
940
00:39:40,546 --> 00:39:41,447
- Fuck did you just call me?
941
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:42,313
- Seconds.
942
00:39:43,515 --> 00:39:45,250
That's your middle
name, isn't it?
943
00:39:45,283 --> 00:39:46,585
(he laughs)
944
00:39:46,618 --> 00:39:48,987
- [JT] Mat Second Best.
945
00:39:49,020 --> 00:39:50,689
This is like slam poetry.
946
00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:51,557
Genius
947
00:39:52,691 --> 00:39:54,292
- Catch ya on the
dark side of the moon,
948
00:39:54,325 --> 00:39:55,761
cheese squeeze.
949
00:39:55,794 --> 00:39:58,964
Keep your ears buttered up
while I set fire to the rain.
950
00:39:58,997 --> 00:40:01,332
- What the fuck
does that even mean?
951
00:40:01,366 --> 00:40:03,168
- You know what it means?
952
00:40:03,201 --> 00:40:04,903
You don't know where I've been.
953
00:40:04,936 --> 00:40:08,306
Rodney King riots, 1984, I'm
driving through the streets
954
00:40:08,339 --> 00:40:11,877
of (unintelligible) and the
city they call Long Beach.
955
00:40:11,910 --> 00:40:14,980
When a young African
American says to me,
956
00:40:15,013 --> 00:40:17,816
"Hey man, you some
kind of GI Joe?
957
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:20,351
Mr. Jarhead."
958
00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:23,855
I says so what if I am?
959
00:40:23,889 --> 00:40:28,393
And he says, "Well why
don't you suck on my dick
960
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,662
and then lick on my balls."
961
00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:37,536
And before he can
get that S out,
962
00:40:37,569 --> 00:40:40,338
I squeeze the trig and
blew his brains outs.
963
00:40:40,371 --> 00:40:42,808
The next day, the
riots were over.
964
00:40:42,841 --> 00:40:44,743
The moral of the story is this,
965
00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:47,445
why don't you walk
168 miles in my shoes
966
00:40:47,479 --> 00:40:49,881
with 16 dead soldiers
over your shoulder
967
00:40:49,915 --> 00:40:52,350
before you ask me what
the fuck that means.
968
00:40:52,383 --> 00:40:54,119
Good day, fuck faces.
969
00:40:55,554 --> 00:40:58,624
By the way, wear a condom
on that dick of yours
970
00:40:58,657 --> 00:41:01,292
if you're eye fuck me on
the way out like that.
971
00:41:01,326 --> 00:41:03,829
This is Gene's world.
972
00:41:03,862 --> 00:41:07,298
(energetic classic rock)
973
00:41:08,934 --> 00:41:12,037
- That guy is such a
fucking celebrity cameo.
974
00:41:12,070 --> 00:41:14,272
- Hey man, I don't want
to fucking be here.
975
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,106
- Oh.
976
00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:15,941
(he laughs)
977
00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:17,108
Hey, Ron Jeremy.
978
00:41:17,142 --> 00:41:18,844
- Your Indiegogo
campaign went so well
979
00:41:18,877 --> 00:41:20,912
you can actually buy people.
980
00:41:20,946 --> 00:41:22,981
- You're right, you
can go dude, thanks.
981
00:41:23,014 --> 00:41:24,382
- Great.
982
00:41:24,415 --> 00:41:26,685
- [JT] Gene's kinda legit.
983
00:41:26,718 --> 00:41:28,620
- Gene is a douche bag
984
00:41:28,654 --> 00:41:29,955
and he's treating all of us
985
00:41:29,988 --> 00:41:32,257
like the fucking B team.
986
00:41:32,290 --> 00:41:34,125
I'm gonna go outside
and get some fresh air.
987
00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:35,727
Let my suck dangle.
988
00:41:37,395 --> 00:41:38,630
- Grab a pic.
989
00:41:38,664 --> 00:41:40,766
I knew before it even
came out of my mouth.
990
00:41:40,799 --> 00:41:42,500
- Mat, can I come with you?
991
00:41:42,534 --> 00:41:44,770
I haven't said
anything in a while.
992
00:41:44,803 --> 00:41:46,037
- Sure, Eunice.
993
00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,743
- Happy Birthday, Matt James.
994
00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:56,247
- Mat, are you okay?
995
00:41:57,315 --> 00:41:58,817
- I'm fine, Eleanor.
996
00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:00,018
- Eliza.
997
00:42:00,051 --> 00:42:01,286
- Whatever.
998
00:42:01,319 --> 00:42:02,554
I just hate that
Gene Vadendouche.
999
00:42:02,588 --> 00:42:03,689
Everything get's
handed over to him
1000
00:42:03,722 --> 00:42:05,824
like I'm some
incompetent clown dick.
1001
00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:08,126
- I don't think your an
incompetent clown dick.
1002
00:42:08,159 --> 00:42:09,194
I think you're a--
1003
00:42:09,227 --> 00:42:11,162
- Intense, strong, intelligent,
1004
00:42:11,196 --> 00:42:13,899
ripped like a pair
of Def Leppard jeans?
1005
00:42:13,932 --> 00:42:15,433
Hear it all the time,
1006
00:42:15,466 --> 00:42:17,836
but Gene's always
stealing the spotlight.
1007
00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:20,906
- Well you can
have the spotlight.
1008
00:42:20,939 --> 00:42:22,373
You can have two.
1009
00:42:24,976 --> 00:42:28,446
- Emily, we shouldn't
but we're probably going
1010
00:42:28,479 --> 00:42:29,648
to anyways so.
1011
00:42:30,515 --> 00:42:32,017
- Oh, can you do it in my butt?
1012
00:42:32,050 --> 00:42:34,252
I don't want to get pregnant
during the zombie apocalypse.
1013
00:42:34,285 --> 00:42:35,253
- Kind of hot actually.
1014
00:42:35,286 --> 00:42:38,123
(they moan)
1015
00:42:38,156 --> 00:42:39,090
Did you eat popcorn?
1016
00:42:39,124 --> 00:42:40,025
- Yeah, is it sharp?
1017
00:42:40,058 --> 00:42:40,892
- Oh god.
1018
00:42:42,828 --> 00:42:44,462
- It smells.
1019
00:42:44,495 --> 00:42:47,198
(engine revs)
1020
00:42:47,232 --> 00:42:48,533
- You got to be
fucking kidding me.
1021
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:50,235
- [Mat] Oh shit.
1022
00:42:50,268 --> 00:42:53,538
(tense marching music)
1023
00:43:01,980 --> 00:43:02,781
- We love you, Gene.
1024
00:43:02,814 --> 00:43:04,282
(horn honks)
1025
00:43:04,315 --> 00:43:06,885
(indistinct shouting)
1026
00:43:06,918 --> 00:43:08,453
We love you man!
1027
00:43:08,486 --> 00:43:09,487
You see his jawline?
1028
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,022
- It's like an angel.
1029
00:43:11,056 --> 00:43:14,693
- I have energy, guy gives
me energy by his presence.
1030
00:43:14,726 --> 00:43:15,727
- I want to drink his piss.
1031
00:43:15,761 --> 00:43:16,561
- What?
1032
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:17,395
- Huh?
1033
00:43:17,428 --> 00:43:18,664
- Come on, man.
1034
00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:22,500
- That dude always wants
to be the tip of the spear
1035
00:43:22,533 --> 00:43:24,836
but all I see is a
giant blue falcon.
1036
00:43:24,870 --> 00:43:27,739
- Yeah maybe but he's
got an up-armour Humvee.
1037
00:43:27,773 --> 00:43:28,974
Not to mention a 50 cal.
1038
00:43:29,007 --> 00:43:30,408
- And no one manning it.
1039
00:43:30,441 --> 00:43:32,110
Fuck that guy.
1040
00:43:32,143 --> 00:43:34,813
Guys like that are
the reason I got out.
1041
00:43:34,846 --> 00:43:39,017
- Shit man, guys like that
are the reason dudes enlist.
1042
00:43:42,253 --> 00:43:45,857
(tense instrumental music)
1043
00:43:49,260 --> 00:43:52,764
- What the fuck is
this asshole doing now?
1044
00:43:54,265 --> 00:43:55,767
- Zombie!
1045
00:43:55,801 --> 00:43:58,670
(zombie growls)
1046
00:43:58,704 --> 00:44:00,872
(gunshot)
1047
00:44:01,940 --> 00:44:04,175
(he howls)
1048
00:44:08,213 --> 00:44:09,414
You girls okay?
1049
00:44:09,447 --> 00:44:10,716
- Definitely could
of killed that guy.
1050
00:44:10,749 --> 00:44:12,650
- Sure you could of.
1051
00:44:12,684 --> 00:44:15,887
Look here, chap stick, I
don't need my asshole waxed.
1052
00:44:15,921 --> 00:44:19,124
A simple thank you, your
smajesty would suffice.
1053
00:44:19,157 --> 00:44:20,458
- Not to happen, Gene.
1054
00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:22,460
- Smell this fire,
smokey the bear.
1055
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:24,229
The Colonel just
phoned in by satellite.
1056
00:44:24,262 --> 00:44:25,663
The zombies are gaining speed.
1057
00:44:25,697 --> 00:44:28,133
They could overtake our
vehicles if we're not careful.
1058
00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:32,270
According to his Intel,
they're getting close.
1059
00:44:32,303 --> 00:44:34,605
- Wait, you have a
sat phone in your car?
1060
00:44:34,639 --> 00:44:37,575
- I got the 2018
lebronze in there.
1061
00:44:38,744 --> 00:44:41,146
They give hand in
hand everything.
1062
00:44:41,179 --> 00:44:42,313
- Fuck.
1063
00:44:42,347 --> 00:44:43,815
- The Colonel says
there's a helicopter pad
1064
00:44:43,849 --> 00:44:45,516
about 26 miles from here
that he wants us to get to
1065
00:44:45,550 --> 00:44:47,052
so we're not on the road.
1066
00:44:47,085 --> 00:44:49,554
Change of plans,
change of pants.
1067
00:44:49,587 --> 00:44:51,456
- Okay, so you want us
to follow behind you?
1068
00:44:51,489 --> 00:44:53,624
- Yes, but I'll be on foot.
1069
00:44:53,658 --> 00:44:55,460
Can you take the whiskey?
1070
00:44:55,493 --> 00:44:56,694
- What the fuck?
1071
00:44:56,728 --> 00:44:59,530
- I need you to take
the whiskey, dick
1072
00:44:59,564 --> 00:45:02,233
and hold it with two hands.
1073
00:45:02,267 --> 00:45:04,035
Can you handle that
soldier of fortune.
1074
00:45:04,069 --> 00:45:04,870
- I've got the whiskey.
1075
00:45:04,903 --> 00:45:07,338
(he inhales)
1076
00:45:15,413 --> 00:45:17,315
- Someone has to protect us.
1077
00:45:17,348 --> 00:45:18,750
There's god,
1078
00:45:18,784 --> 00:45:20,651
then there's me.
1079
00:45:20,685 --> 00:45:22,653
God must be busy.
1080
00:45:22,687 --> 00:45:25,690
Lucky for, I don't
take Sundays off.
1081
00:45:26,925 --> 00:45:29,260
- Bro, that's gonna
be my next tattoo.
1082
00:45:29,294 --> 00:45:30,695
- I feel like I'm at the alter
1083
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:32,130
and Jesus is packing.
1084
00:45:32,163 --> 00:45:34,099
- This is all so fucking stupid.
1085
00:45:34,132 --> 00:45:36,567
Why doesn't one of
us man the 50 cal
1086
00:45:36,601 --> 00:45:38,469
while you drive?
1087
00:45:38,503 --> 00:45:41,239
- For the same reason I
baptized myself as a baby.
1088
00:45:41,272 --> 00:45:44,876
No one guards Gene Vandenham
but Gene Vandenham.
1089
00:45:44,910 --> 00:45:46,277
Take the whiskey and be grateful
1090
00:45:46,311 --> 00:45:47,813
I am who I am.
1091
00:45:47,846 --> 00:45:50,315
- Bro, 26 miles is
an entire marathon.
1092
00:45:50,348 --> 00:45:52,450
- I know, I ran Boston last year
1093
00:45:52,483 --> 00:45:55,286
and won 46 full kits
setting a new world record.
1094
00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:57,055
Try and keep up.
1095
00:45:57,088 --> 00:45:58,389
- What the fuck ever, Gene.
1096
00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:00,458
(soft patriotic music)
1097
00:46:00,491 --> 00:46:02,560
- Fucking Gene Vandenham.
1098
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:07,098
(energetic tense music)
1099
00:46:10,235 --> 00:46:12,170
- [Mat] Fucking got it.
1100
00:46:16,474 --> 00:46:18,743
(he howls)
1101
00:46:20,478 --> 00:46:22,547
- Fucking Gene Vandenham.
1102
00:46:24,015 --> 00:46:26,217
- You all still realize how
ridiculously stupid this is?
1103
00:46:26,251 --> 00:46:28,419
It has nothing to
do with necessity,
1104
00:46:28,453 --> 00:46:30,889
just his own glory, right?
1105
00:46:30,922 --> 00:46:31,722
- Sure man
1106
00:46:31,756 --> 00:46:33,024
but look at that guy.
1107
00:46:33,058 --> 00:46:34,826
He's a one man killing machine.
1108
00:46:34,860 --> 00:46:36,895
I bet he even nukes those
two toddlers over there.
1109
00:46:36,928 --> 00:46:39,197
- No Gene, don't kill
the zombie toddlers!
1110
00:46:39,230 --> 00:46:40,431
(gunfire)
(wet splats)
1111
00:46:40,465 --> 00:46:43,101
- Their mission
has been aborted!
1112
00:46:44,269 --> 00:46:46,204
- Seriously hope he
steps on a land mine,
1113
00:46:46,237 --> 00:46:47,839
like five of them.
1114
00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:51,109
(tense dramatic music)
1115
00:46:53,211 --> 00:46:55,380
(gunfire)
1116
00:47:01,552 --> 00:47:03,221
- [Gene] Go, go, go!
1117
00:47:05,123 --> 00:47:06,357
I'll cover you.
1118
00:47:09,727 --> 00:47:11,529
- Gene, you're coming with us!
1119
00:47:11,562 --> 00:47:13,231
- Negative, no room.
1120
00:47:14,399 --> 00:47:17,335
Freedom is calling
and I have to answer.
1121
00:47:17,368 --> 00:47:20,405
- There is literally an
empty seat designated
1122
00:47:20,438 --> 00:47:22,073
for you, Gene.
1123
00:47:22,107 --> 00:47:23,674
- No offense, but
there's an empty seat
1124
00:47:23,708 --> 00:47:26,011
in every single plane in
the United States designated
1125
00:47:26,044 --> 00:47:27,278
for me.
1126
00:47:27,312 --> 00:47:29,347
Just remember,
when you turn back
1127
00:47:29,380 --> 00:47:32,083
and see only one set of
footprints in the sand.
1128
00:47:32,117 --> 00:47:35,586
It was then, that I carried you.
1129
00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:36,721
- Wheels up.
1130
00:47:36,754 --> 00:47:37,788
Fuck that dude.
1131
00:47:37,822 --> 00:47:39,824
(he howls)
1132
00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:42,027
(gunfire)
1133
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,230
Good luck getting out
of this one, Gene,
1134
00:47:45,263 --> 00:47:46,497
you cock tart!
1135
00:47:46,531 --> 00:47:47,732
- I got it!
1136
00:47:47,765 --> 00:47:51,937
(he howl)
(gunfire)
1137
00:47:53,438 --> 00:47:55,640
- That is what Gene
Vandenham does.
1138
00:47:55,673 --> 00:47:58,076
He is the only American hero.
1139
00:47:59,177 --> 00:48:00,011
God damn!
1140
00:48:01,212 --> 00:48:04,715
(tense adventurous music)
1141
00:48:06,551 --> 00:48:08,153
Why are we going to Range 15?
1142
00:48:08,186 --> 00:48:09,620
That place is probably
full of em by now.
1143
00:48:09,654 --> 00:48:11,389
- Number one, that's
where the scientists are
1144
00:48:11,422 --> 00:48:13,024
and we have the cure.
1145
00:48:13,058 --> 00:48:14,359
- What's number two?
1146
00:48:14,392 --> 00:48:16,694
- Pooping, pooping
is number two.
1147
00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,197
- It's like every time
I try and like you,
1148
00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:20,298
I just can't.
1149
00:48:21,599 --> 00:48:23,101
- There is no
number two, Grigsby.
1150
00:48:23,134 --> 00:48:25,370
If we don't achieve
number one, we die.
1151
00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:27,205
- Please refrain.
1152
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:29,007
- You know how hard that is?
1153
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,308
- Let him say it.
1154
00:48:30,341 --> 00:48:31,776
- Come on, dude.
1155
00:48:31,809 --> 00:48:33,444
- You're killing his spirit.
1156
00:48:33,478 --> 00:48:35,480
- I'm gonna kill his
fucking microphone.
1157
00:48:35,513 --> 00:48:38,749
(light dramatic music)
1158
00:48:39,884 --> 00:48:40,986
- I can't believe it.
1159
00:48:41,019 --> 00:48:42,687
We're actually gonna make it.
1160
00:48:42,720 --> 00:48:45,323
- You fuck bag,
you just jinxed us.
1161
00:48:45,356 --> 00:48:46,391
- What?
1162
00:48:46,424 --> 00:48:47,225
No I didn't.
1163
00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:48,526
- Yeah dude, you did.
1164
00:48:48,559 --> 00:48:51,062
- That could give us
five seconds, rain man.
1165
00:48:51,096 --> 00:48:52,297
(he grunts)
1166
00:48:52,330 --> 00:48:54,099
- Hey you feeling
alright up there, man?
1167
00:48:54,132 --> 00:48:55,866
You sure you didn't get bit?
1168
00:48:55,900 --> 00:48:59,037
- Yeah I did, right
before you guys showed up.
1169
00:48:59,070 --> 00:49:01,806
I can feel it
growing inside of me.
1170
00:49:01,839 --> 00:49:04,109
This is my last mission.
1171
00:49:04,142 --> 00:49:05,643
I just have one request,
1172
00:49:05,676 --> 00:49:07,278
if any of you make it,
1173
00:49:07,312 --> 00:49:09,981
go find my girlfriend,
she lives in El Paso.
1174
00:49:10,015 --> 00:49:12,250
Tell her I love her.
1175
00:49:12,283 --> 00:49:14,885
- Let's be realistic,
she's probably dead.
1176
00:49:14,919 --> 00:49:16,287
- What?
1177
00:49:16,321 --> 00:49:17,422
- I mean, come on,
1178
00:49:17,455 --> 00:49:18,623
it's the end of the world
1179
00:49:18,656 --> 00:49:20,858
with a bunch of bad
asses barely making it.
1180
00:49:20,891 --> 00:49:22,493
A hot girl in El Paso?
1181
00:49:22,527 --> 00:49:23,861
She's zombie shit by now.
1182
00:49:23,894 --> 00:49:24,929
Wait, do zombies shit?
1183
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:26,297
- Rocco, shut the fuck up!
1184
00:49:26,331 --> 00:49:28,633
- I'm just being honest.
1185
00:49:28,666 --> 00:49:30,168
- He's right.
1186
00:49:30,201 --> 00:49:32,103
She's dead and I'm bit.
1187
00:49:34,139 --> 00:49:36,474
There's nothing to live for.
1188
00:49:39,444 --> 00:49:41,346
Your names JT, right?
1189
00:49:41,379 --> 00:49:42,180
Will you hold this?
1190
00:49:42,213 --> 00:49:43,048
You're up.
1191
00:49:44,149 --> 00:49:48,219
(soft somber instrumental music)
1192
00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:53,324
- [NIck] We literally
just told him
1193
00:49:53,358 --> 00:49:55,426
we have the fucking cure.
1194
00:49:58,363 --> 00:49:59,497
(dramatic tense music)
1195
00:49:59,530 --> 00:50:00,431
(alarm blares)
1196
00:50:00,465 --> 00:50:01,166
- We're gonna fucking die!
1197
00:50:01,199 --> 00:50:02,133
- Fuck me.
1198
00:50:02,167 --> 00:50:03,401
- I'll save us.
1199
00:50:03,434 --> 00:50:04,902
- You're not gonna
save us, fat boy,
1200
00:50:04,935 --> 00:50:06,671
you're probably gonna take
this whole plane down.
1201
00:50:06,704 --> 00:50:09,640
- I'm learning to fly
but I ain't got wings.
1202
00:50:09,674 --> 00:50:12,143
- We're all gonna die
because of your fat ass.
1203
00:50:12,177 --> 00:50:13,944
You fat, fat, fatty fuck!
1204
00:50:13,978 --> 00:50:17,715
I can't even fucking
believe how fat you are!
1205
00:50:19,917 --> 00:50:21,619
(triumphant adventurous music)
1206
00:50:21,652 --> 00:50:23,721
- [JT] Hey, I saved us.
1207
00:50:23,754 --> 00:50:24,955
(glass shatters)
1208
00:50:24,989 --> 00:50:26,224
- [Mat] Fuck, fuck
the fucking whiskey.
1209
00:50:26,257 --> 00:50:27,425
- [Nick] How many are left?
1210
00:50:27,458 --> 00:50:28,526
- [Mat] Are you
fucking kidding me?
1211
00:50:28,559 --> 00:50:29,460
Two.
1212
00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:31,129
- Two, two fucking bottles?
1213
00:50:31,162 --> 00:50:32,163
God damn it!
1214
00:50:33,564 --> 00:50:34,932
- Shut the fuck,
can we get the cure
1215
00:50:34,965 --> 00:50:37,268
and keep fucking moving?
1216
00:50:37,302 --> 00:50:40,138
(tense dramatic music)
1217
00:50:40,171 --> 00:50:42,507
I'd rather have us fucking
carry it, you know?
1218
00:50:42,540 --> 00:50:44,875
- [JT] Bro, I got to take
a tactical shit dot come.
1219
00:50:44,909 --> 00:50:46,811
- [Mat] Shut the
fuck up and let's go.
1220
00:50:46,844 --> 00:50:48,646
- [JT] We got to get into
one of these neighborhoods.
1221
00:50:48,679 --> 00:50:49,914
(Jack grunts)
1222
00:50:49,947 --> 00:50:52,016
- [Jack] I want my mommy.
1223
00:50:53,084 --> 00:50:56,921
(energetic suspenseful music)
1224
00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:06,797
(smooth jazz music)
1225
00:51:06,831 --> 00:51:10,201
- Salutations, do
you guys like jazz?
1226
00:51:10,235 --> 00:51:13,304
- You truly cannot
really enjoy it
1227
00:51:13,338 --> 00:51:15,806
unless it's on vinyl.
1228
00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:16,641
- That's right.
1229
00:51:16,674 --> 00:51:17,475
- What the fuck?
1230
00:51:17,508 --> 00:51:19,277
Fuck this, next house.
1231
00:51:19,310 --> 00:51:20,111
- Fuck this.
1232
00:51:20,145 --> 00:51:21,379
- Hey wait, wait.
1233
00:51:21,412 --> 00:51:23,614
You guys got any
supplies we can have?
1234
00:51:23,648 --> 00:51:25,216
- I got something that
will make your mustache
1235
00:51:25,250 --> 00:51:26,083
stand up.
1236
00:51:28,153 --> 00:51:29,754
(tense instrumental music)
1237
00:51:29,787 --> 00:51:32,123
(explosion)
1238
00:51:34,659 --> 00:51:36,294
Holy shit.
1239
00:51:36,327 --> 00:51:37,795
(he laughs)
1240
00:51:37,828 --> 00:51:40,231
An anti gun family that
decided to off themselves
1241
00:51:40,265 --> 00:51:42,267
before they got infected.
1242
00:51:42,300 --> 00:51:45,102
- How does that 2nd
amendment taste now?
1243
00:51:45,136 --> 00:51:46,971
- Everybody hates
guns until you have
1244
00:51:47,004 --> 00:51:50,040
to choke fuck yourself to
death with a hot curling iron.
1245
00:51:50,074 --> 00:51:51,342
Touche.
1246
00:51:51,376 --> 00:51:54,579
(tense suspenseful music)
1247
00:51:54,612 --> 00:51:56,381
- Hey Youtube, this is
Chazz and Parker again
1248
00:51:56,414 --> 00:51:57,382
and on today's episode,
1249
00:51:57,415 --> 00:51:58,583
we're just ticked.
1250
00:51:58,616 --> 00:52:00,084
- Ticked, ticked.
1251
00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:01,352
You tell em, Chazz.
1252
00:52:01,386 --> 00:52:02,920
- I'm just gonna
unzip my zip here,
1253
00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:05,290
whip put my wee wee and
piss on these flags.
1254
00:52:05,323 --> 00:52:08,593
- There's gonna be 14
stripes when we're done.
1255
00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:10,027
- What the fuck is this?
1256
00:52:10,060 --> 00:52:10,928
- Oh hell no.
1257
00:52:10,961 --> 00:52:11,796
Back the fuck up.
1258
00:52:11,829 --> 00:52:14,232
(he squeals)
1259
00:52:15,233 --> 00:52:16,767
- Baby killers.
1260
00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:20,070
(intense rock music)
1261
00:52:20,104 --> 00:52:21,772
- With great vengeance
1262
00:52:21,806 --> 00:52:23,941
- And furious anger.
1263
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,143
(gunfire)
1264
00:52:32,850 --> 00:52:36,187
(energetic dance music)
1265
00:52:37,788 --> 00:52:39,557
- Hey, are you guys here
for the (unintelligible)?
1266
00:52:39,590 --> 00:52:43,294
- After, we're gonna have an
organic paleo kelp quiche.
1267
00:52:43,328 --> 00:52:45,763
- No, no, we're good bro.
1268
00:52:45,796 --> 00:52:47,932
- Okay, I'll eat all myself.
1269
00:52:47,965 --> 00:52:49,066
- I'm gonna keep working out.
1270
00:52:49,099 --> 00:52:50,335
- I'll never get fat.
1271
00:52:50,368 --> 00:52:53,704
(energetic dance music)
1272
00:52:59,544 --> 00:53:01,312
- [Nick] Hey man,
you doing alright?
1273
00:53:01,346 --> 00:53:05,416
(soft somber instrumental music)
1274
00:53:06,717 --> 00:53:09,420
- Everyone's counting
on me for everything.
1275
00:53:09,454 --> 00:53:11,021
I'm not their leader.
1276
00:53:11,055 --> 00:53:13,123
I'm not a leader, I'm not
1277
00:53:14,692 --> 00:53:17,462
and to be completely
honest with you dude,
1278
00:53:17,495 --> 00:53:20,931
I don't think I can
do this shit anymore.
1279
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:24,134
- I know the weight of the
world is on your shoulders
1280
00:53:24,168 --> 00:53:27,838
right now but it's
there for a reason.
1281
00:53:27,872 --> 00:53:30,841
Most people quit the
second things get hard.
1282
00:53:30,875 --> 00:53:32,410
You don't.
1283
00:53:32,443 --> 00:53:34,479
The annals of history
are written on the backs
1284
00:53:34,512 --> 00:53:35,913
of men like you.
1285
00:53:35,946 --> 00:53:38,316
Men, who when faced
with overwhelming odds,
1286
00:53:38,349 --> 00:53:40,017
when they reached
their breaking point,
1287
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,953
looked into the bowels
of hell and smiled.
1288
00:53:42,987 --> 00:53:45,990
Men who answered the
bell for one more round.
1289
00:53:46,023 --> 00:53:48,025
You're one of those men.
1290
00:53:48,058 --> 00:53:49,960
We can do this, we
can rise up against
1291
00:53:49,994 --> 00:53:52,530
the impossible and
we can save the world
1292
00:53:52,563 --> 00:53:54,999
but we cannot do without you.
1293
00:53:55,933 --> 00:53:57,702
We need Mat Best.
1294
00:53:57,735 --> 00:54:00,671
(uplifting somber music)
1295
00:54:00,705 --> 00:54:01,772
(he laughs)
1296
00:54:01,806 --> 00:54:02,607
Oh god damn it!
1297
00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:04,008
(he laughs)
1298
00:54:04,041 --> 00:54:05,476
- Got you mother fucker.
1299
00:54:05,510 --> 00:54:07,011
- Fuck.
1300
00:54:07,044 --> 00:54:08,313
- Great West Point speech, bro.
1301
00:54:08,346 --> 00:54:09,146
(he laughs)
1302
00:54:09,179 --> 00:54:10,381
- Fuck off.
1303
00:54:10,415 --> 00:54:11,181
- Did you just come
up with that shit
1304
00:54:11,215 --> 00:54:12,517
on the spot or what?
1305
00:54:12,550 --> 00:54:13,751
- It's what we do.
1306
00:54:13,784 --> 00:54:15,686
- Alright, bring it
in, sister to sister,
1307
00:54:15,720 --> 00:54:16,654
mother to daughter.
1308
00:54:16,687 --> 00:54:17,588
- You son of...
1309
00:54:17,622 --> 00:54:21,191
(twangy country rock music)
1310
00:54:23,661 --> 00:54:25,996
- You guys do some gay ass
shit for being in the military.
1311
00:54:26,030 --> 00:54:28,098
- It's Thursday isn't it?
1312
00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:30,668
- [Nick] I fucking hate you.
1313
00:54:30,701 --> 00:54:33,003
- [Mat] It's a love
hate relationship, Nick.
1314
00:54:33,037 --> 00:54:34,104
- It's a hate hate relationship.
1315
00:54:34,138 --> 00:54:35,740
I fucking hate you.
1316
00:54:37,542 --> 00:54:41,379
(energetic suspenseful music)
1317
00:54:54,392 --> 00:54:55,826
(zombies roar)
1318
00:54:55,860 --> 00:54:58,028
(gunfire)
1319
00:55:13,210 --> 00:55:14,912
- There she is, boys.
1320
00:55:14,945 --> 00:55:16,447
- That's Range 15?
1321
00:55:17,715 --> 00:55:18,883
- It looks like a power plant.
1322
00:55:18,916 --> 00:55:19,717
- That's the point.
1323
00:55:19,750 --> 00:55:21,318
(zombie growls)
1324
00:55:21,352 --> 00:55:24,955
(tense instrumental music)
1325
00:55:26,691 --> 00:55:28,859
(gunshot)
1326
00:55:29,894 --> 00:55:30,961
- Oh, no, no, no.
1327
00:55:30,995 --> 00:55:31,829
- Fuck!
1328
00:55:34,699 --> 00:55:36,401
Fuck, it won't be long now.
1329
00:55:36,434 --> 00:55:38,002
- Don't talk like that bro.
1330
00:55:38,035 --> 00:55:39,336
- What the fuck do
you want me to say,
1331
00:55:39,370 --> 00:55:40,538
that everything's
going to be okay?
1332
00:55:40,571 --> 00:55:42,072
I'm gonna live
happily ever after
1333
00:55:42,106 --> 00:55:44,809
and you'll come back and fuck
me in some convenience store?
1334
00:55:44,842 --> 00:55:46,744
- Dude, she's different, bro.
1335
00:55:46,777 --> 00:55:48,012
- You know what?
1336
00:55:48,045 --> 00:55:48,846
So am I.
1337
00:55:48,879 --> 00:55:50,815
(all shout)
1338
00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:52,783
- Come on bro,
just take the cure.
1339
00:55:52,817 --> 00:55:54,351
- That only leave
us when one left.
1340
00:55:54,385 --> 00:55:56,954
- So what, they're
scientists and shit.
1341
00:55:56,987 --> 00:55:58,456
One is all they need.
1342
00:55:58,489 --> 00:56:00,290
- Yeah man, you need to
take it before it spreads.
1343
00:56:00,324 --> 00:56:01,459
- Are you sure?
1344
00:56:01,492 --> 00:56:02,927
- Yeah brother,
you're changing fast.
1345
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:05,362
We have to administer
it, rectally.
1346
00:56:05,396 --> 00:56:08,699
- Uh yeah, it's
crawling up your leg.
1347
00:56:08,733 --> 00:56:10,200
Drinking it won't
be fast enough.
1348
00:56:10,234 --> 00:56:13,070
- Fuck that, I know you mother
fuckers are fucking with me.
1349
00:56:13,103 --> 00:56:14,839
- Baby, I don't want to
lose you, just take it.
1350
00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:17,174
- Bro, I'm the medic
man, we got to do this.
1351
00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:19,176
- Nick, is this legit?
1352
00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:20,578
- I hate to say it
man but I don't think
1353
00:56:20,611 --> 00:56:23,448
we have a choice right now.
1354
00:56:23,481 --> 00:56:27,284
- You mother fuckers better
not be fucking with me!
1355
00:56:27,317 --> 00:56:28,152
Rocco.
1356
00:56:30,054 --> 00:56:33,691
- Brother, you're going to
feel a little bit of pressure.
1357
00:56:33,724 --> 00:56:37,061
(sensual hip hop music)
1358
00:57:08,693 --> 00:57:11,729
- Holy shit, holy shit,
it's fucking working.
1359
00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:13,430
It's fucking working.
1360
00:57:13,464 --> 00:57:16,233
(all laugh)
1361
00:57:16,266 --> 00:57:18,102
Are you fucking kidding me?
1362
00:57:18,135 --> 00:57:19,870
Are you fucking kidding me?
1363
00:57:19,904 --> 00:57:22,540
- Why didn't you
just drink it, fag?
1364
00:57:22,573 --> 00:57:23,708
- Gay!
1365
00:57:23,741 --> 00:57:24,842
- Oh so gay, bro.
1366
00:57:24,875 --> 00:57:26,043
- Get the fuck out...
1367
00:57:26,076 --> 00:57:27,277
Are you fucking kidding.
1368
00:57:27,311 --> 00:57:28,513
- [Nick] You know
I love you man.
1369
00:57:28,546 --> 00:57:30,080
- Just get the fucking whiskey.
1370
00:57:30,114 --> 00:57:33,784
(somber instrumental music)
1371
00:57:35,886 --> 00:57:37,788
Everyone spread out,
let's find a way in.
1372
00:57:37,822 --> 00:57:41,425
(tense instrumental music)
1373
00:57:44,394 --> 00:57:46,363
Anybody got anything?
1374
00:57:46,396 --> 00:57:47,532
- [Rocco] Nothing here, bro.
1375
00:57:47,565 --> 00:57:48,733
- Nothing man.
1376
00:57:48,766 --> 00:57:50,635
- I found something special.
1377
00:57:50,668 --> 00:57:52,570
- No, he didn't.
1378
00:57:52,603 --> 00:57:55,740
I found fat Val Kilmer though.
1379
00:57:55,773 --> 00:57:58,543
- Jack, you got anything?
1380
00:57:58,576 --> 00:57:59,777
- Nothing.
1381
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:01,512
- Sweet, the Colonels
daughter was easier
1382
00:58:01,546 --> 00:58:03,280
to enter than Range 15.
1383
00:58:03,313 --> 00:58:06,350
- To be fair bro,
she had no arms.
1384
00:58:06,383 --> 00:58:07,585
- At least my zombie
girl had arms.
1385
00:58:07,618 --> 00:58:08,753
(he laughs)
1386
00:58:08,786 --> 00:58:10,555
- There's no way you're
comparing the two.
1387
00:58:10,588 --> 00:58:12,723
- What are we gonna do
about getting in this silo?
1388
00:58:12,757 --> 00:58:14,825
- I don't know but you better
hurry up real fucking fast.
1389
00:58:14,859 --> 00:58:15,660
- Why, Elsie?
1390
00:58:15,693 --> 00:58:17,662
- Eliza, they're coming.
1391
00:58:17,695 --> 00:58:19,229
(tense instrumental music)
1392
00:58:19,263 --> 00:58:20,565
- Guys, we don't have
the ammo for this.
1393
00:58:20,598 --> 00:58:22,299
- Bro, we ain't got
the time for this.
1394
00:58:22,332 --> 00:58:23,568
- [Mat] I'll get us
the fucking time.
1395
00:58:23,601 --> 00:58:24,501
- Hey man, I told you.
1396
00:58:24,535 --> 00:58:25,435
There's no ammo in there.
1397
00:58:25,469 --> 00:58:26,904
- I'm not looking for ammo.
1398
00:58:26,937 --> 00:58:28,138
The most important thing
right is getting the whiskey
1399
00:58:28,172 --> 00:58:29,339
into the silo.
1400
00:58:29,373 --> 00:58:30,575
- Are you sure man?
1401
00:58:30,608 --> 00:58:31,508
- The cure is more important
1402
00:58:31,542 --> 00:58:33,778
than anyone of our lives, right?
1403
00:58:33,811 --> 00:58:37,381
(tense instrumental music)
1404
00:58:38,849 --> 00:58:41,752
- Jack, you fucking stupid cunt.
1405
00:58:41,786 --> 00:58:44,321
Guys found the entrance.
1406
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:46,356
Push the fucking button.
1407
00:58:48,192 --> 00:58:50,527
(metal clangs)
1408
00:58:50,561 --> 00:58:54,164
- Everybody, lets
get inside, quick.
1409
00:58:54,198 --> 00:58:55,465
Fucking idiot.
1410
00:58:55,499 --> 00:58:56,366
- [Jack] I'm sorry.
1411
00:58:56,400 --> 00:58:59,069
(zombies growl)
1412
00:59:00,437 --> 00:59:03,040
(zombies yell)
1413
00:59:08,512 --> 00:59:09,814
- [Voiceover] Most
people don't get
1414
00:59:09,847 --> 00:59:12,783
to decide how they go out.
1415
00:59:12,817 --> 00:59:13,718
Today I do.
1416
00:59:16,153 --> 00:59:18,555
There's a time to run
1417
00:59:18,589 --> 00:59:20,157
and a time to fight
1418
00:59:21,826 --> 00:59:23,828
and I ain't no bird dog.
1419
00:59:24,962 --> 00:59:29,099
(uplifting tense
instrumental music)
1420
00:59:37,174 --> 00:59:39,143
- You must be the brave soldiers
1421
00:59:39,176 --> 00:59:41,746
that Colonel Holloway sent.
1422
00:59:41,779 --> 00:59:42,980
This is the cure?
1423
00:59:43,013 --> 00:59:44,381
- [Nick] It sure is.
1424
00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:45,983
- This is the cure?
1425
00:59:46,016 --> 00:59:47,351
What is in this shit?
1426
00:59:47,384 --> 00:59:50,621
- Whiskey mixed with
viper semen, sir.
1427
00:59:50,655 --> 00:59:52,056
- Are you kidding me?
1428
00:59:52,089 --> 00:59:53,523
- No, it's actually
a funny story.
1429
00:59:53,557 --> 00:59:54,458
You see--
1430
00:59:54,491 --> 00:59:55,693
- Oh, I do love a funny story.
1431
00:59:55,726 --> 00:59:58,663
I will try now, I will
see if you full of shit.
1432
00:59:58,696 --> 01:00:00,698
Which I suspect you are.
1433
01:00:05,335 --> 01:00:06,837
Oh you stupid pieces of shit.
1434
01:00:06,871 --> 01:00:08,072
Get out!
1435
01:00:08,105 --> 01:00:09,406
Don't let the door
hit you on the ass.
1436
01:00:09,439 --> 01:00:10,675
- The fuck, bro?
1437
01:00:10,708 --> 01:00:13,210
I've seen this shit
work twice already.
1438
01:00:13,243 --> 01:00:14,979
- Would it just kill you
guys to pay attention
1439
01:00:15,012 --> 01:00:15,813
just once?
1440
01:00:17,014 --> 01:00:20,517
(tense suspenseful music)
1441
01:00:23,020 --> 01:00:25,756
- Holy shit, what the
fuck just happened?
1442
01:00:25,790 --> 01:00:27,457
- I just saved your life.
1443
01:00:27,491 --> 01:00:30,127
You see the whiskey is
the primary element needed
1444
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:33,831
to cure zombies but it requires
an adequate delivery system.
1445
01:00:33,864 --> 01:00:36,500
Kill Cliff is that
delivery system.
1446
01:00:36,533 --> 01:00:38,903
It's unique blends of
caffeine and vitamins
1447
01:00:38,936 --> 01:00:41,071
creates a covalent bond
shell with the viper semen,
1448
01:00:41,105 --> 01:00:45,009
protects it, while it
infiltrates the zombie cells.
1449
01:00:45,042 --> 01:00:46,476
I kind of would of
that it been obvious.
1450
01:00:46,510 --> 01:00:48,578
- You (unintelligible)
this man is cured.
1451
01:00:48,612 --> 01:00:49,780
Kiwi, come here,
come here, come here.
1452
01:00:49,814 --> 01:00:50,748
- [Kiwi] Aye aye, sir.
1453
01:00:50,781 --> 01:00:52,016
- Davis, get this to the lab.
1454
01:00:52,049 --> 01:00:54,384
Have them replicate it
as fast as possible.
1455
01:00:54,418 --> 01:00:56,754
- It will be a
pleasure and privilege
1456
01:00:56,787 --> 01:00:59,589
and to you gentlemen,
I say bravo.
1457
01:00:59,623 --> 01:01:01,391
- Bravo indeed, kiwi.
1458
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:04,895
- It's hard to be
excited (unintellibalbe).
1459
01:01:04,929 --> 01:01:08,165
(soft patriotic music)
1460
01:01:10,267 --> 01:01:14,238
Oh, that's a whole lot of
fucking freedom right there.
1461
01:01:14,271 --> 01:01:16,373
- That's a lot of
hard dick right there.
1462
01:01:16,406 --> 01:01:17,808
- God damn right.
1463
01:01:26,316 --> 01:01:27,952
- Mat, you're alive.
1464
01:01:27,985 --> 01:01:31,889
(uplifting instrumental music)
1465
01:01:32,923 --> 01:01:34,959
- Bro, I thought we lost you.
1466
01:01:34,992 --> 01:01:36,393
- Not gonna lie, I
thought I was more fucked
1467
01:01:36,426 --> 01:01:37,594
than JT on a low carb diet.
1468
01:01:37,627 --> 01:01:39,029
(he laughs)
1469
01:01:39,063 --> 01:01:41,698
But then, the zombie slaying
dream team showed up.
1470
01:01:41,732 --> 01:01:43,700
- There's only a few pairs
of perfect cheekbones
1471
01:01:43,734 --> 01:01:44,935
in this world.
1472
01:01:44,969 --> 01:01:46,170
It would of been a
shame to lose yours.
1473
01:01:46,203 --> 01:01:49,006
- Besides, we let you die,
1474
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:51,041
what were chinny chinny
bang bang and tactical Randy
1475
01:01:51,075 --> 01:01:52,309
gonna do?
1476
01:01:52,342 --> 01:01:54,779
- It's been a long
couple of days.
1477
01:01:56,613 --> 01:01:58,415
- I hate to break up
this little dick dance
1478
01:01:58,448 --> 01:02:00,317
but fixed wing assets are
showing a horde of zombies
1479
01:02:00,350 --> 01:02:01,518
heading right this way.
1480
01:02:01,551 --> 01:02:03,353
Our doors aren't
gonna hold them back.
1481
01:02:03,387 --> 01:02:04,688
- [Mat] Fuck it.
1482
01:02:04,721 --> 01:02:05,823
You all wanna get nasty?
1483
01:02:05,856 --> 01:02:07,091
- [All] Fuck yeah!
1484
01:02:07,124 --> 01:02:08,058
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
there high speeds,
1485
01:02:08,092 --> 01:02:10,127
you're not in proper uniforms.
1486
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,829
Oh you're haircut
is way out of rank.
1487
01:02:11,862 --> 01:02:13,697
Get your hands out
of your pockets.
1488
01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:14,531
(Jack laughs)
1489
01:02:14,564 --> 01:02:16,666
Why is your hand wet?
1490
01:02:16,700 --> 01:02:18,368
Is that a dick hanging out?
1491
01:02:18,402 --> 01:02:20,805
I went to college, I'm not
afraid of running you off--
1492
01:02:20,838 --> 01:02:21,738
- [JT] Smell this.
1493
01:02:21,772 --> 01:02:22,907
- Was that your butt hole?
1494
01:02:22,940 --> 01:02:24,208
You need to shave.
1495
01:02:24,241 --> 01:02:27,411
I expect salutes
next time, gentlemen.
1496
01:02:31,548 --> 01:02:33,017
(tense dramatic music)
1497
01:02:33,050 --> 01:02:34,451
Oh shit.
1498
01:02:34,484 --> 01:02:37,988
Fuck you guys, I'm gonna
save the world all by myself.
1499
01:02:38,022 --> 01:02:39,556
Come on, mother
fuckers, bring it on.
1500
01:02:39,589 --> 01:02:41,058
(he screams)
1501
01:02:41,091 --> 01:02:43,727
- Just in case we all die,
I want you two to know,
1502
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,195
huge fan.
1503
01:02:45,229 --> 01:02:47,131
I fucking love you guys.
1504
01:02:47,164 --> 01:02:49,599
- Wait, who are these guys?
1505
01:02:49,633 --> 01:02:51,068
- They're heroes.
1506
01:02:52,769 --> 01:02:55,005
- I'm sorry, heroes of what?
1507
01:02:55,039 --> 01:02:56,640
(gunshot)
1508
01:02:56,673 --> 01:02:58,008
- What the fuck?
1509
01:02:59,743 --> 01:03:01,011
- Sorry bout your friend.
1510
01:03:01,045 --> 01:03:02,913
- Yeah sorry about
your loss and stuff.
1511
01:03:02,947 --> 01:03:04,048
Let's all take a
moment of silence
1512
01:03:04,081 --> 01:03:05,816
for Beatrice's sacrifice.
1513
01:03:05,850 --> 01:03:07,751
- [Heather] It's Eliza!
1514
01:03:08,953 --> 01:03:09,920
- Okay, ready to
kill some zombies?
1515
01:03:09,954 --> 01:03:11,055
- [All] Yeah.
1516
01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:16,360
- I'm gonna miss you,
fucking stupid whore.
1517
01:03:18,662 --> 01:03:20,898
You fucking annoying bitch.
1518
01:03:23,767 --> 01:03:25,435
God you're so gross.
1519
01:03:26,470 --> 01:03:30,140
(somber instrumental music)
1520
01:03:34,711 --> 01:03:37,948
(energetic rock music)
1521
01:03:40,517 --> 01:03:42,719
(gunfire)
1522
01:03:56,200 --> 01:03:58,869
- [Jack] I can't stop killing.
1523
01:03:58,903 --> 01:04:01,138
(he cries)
1524
01:04:09,013 --> 01:04:12,449
(tense suspenseful music)
1525
01:04:16,020 --> 01:04:18,455
- Look up there, on the hill.
1526
01:04:27,097 --> 01:04:29,666
(zombie roars)
1527
01:04:46,116 --> 01:04:48,652
- [Jack] I'll take the girl!
1528
01:04:48,685 --> 01:04:50,854
(he shouts)
1529
01:04:50,887 --> 01:04:51,821
No, no, no.
1530
01:04:57,127 --> 01:04:57,928
Bitch.
1531
01:04:57,962 --> 01:04:59,563
Not my cucumber, no, no.
1532
01:04:59,596 --> 01:05:01,932
(he shouts)
1533
01:05:05,269 --> 01:05:07,537
(he cries)
1534
01:05:13,543 --> 01:05:15,812
(he cries)
1535
01:05:21,918 --> 01:05:23,553
- [Nick] Hey, why don't
we just fucking shoot em?
1536
01:05:23,587 --> 01:05:24,688
(zombies roar)
1537
01:05:24,721 --> 01:05:26,223
(gunfire)
1538
01:05:26,256 --> 01:05:27,424
- [Jack] Go home.
1539
01:05:27,457 --> 01:05:28,758
- [Man] That was easy.
1540
01:05:28,792 --> 01:05:31,261
(Jack whimpers)
1541
01:05:31,295 --> 01:05:34,798
(tense suspenseful music)
1542
01:05:37,367 --> 01:05:39,803
- Oh fuck, is that
Randy Couture.
1543
01:05:39,836 --> 01:05:42,006
- No, it's zombie Couture.
1544
01:05:44,474 --> 01:05:47,978
(tense suspenseful music)
1545
01:05:52,349 --> 01:05:53,683
- I've got this.
1546
01:05:57,821 --> 01:05:59,856
(upbeat instrumental music)
1547
01:05:59,889 --> 01:06:03,893
- Unbelievable, we are here
at the sold out Range 15 area
1548
01:06:03,927 --> 01:06:06,530
and this desert
valley is electric.
1549
01:06:06,563 --> 01:06:08,232
- [Mat] Tim, will you
stop dicking around,
1550
01:06:08,265 --> 01:06:09,233
we don't have any time for--
1551
01:06:09,266 --> 01:06:10,000
- Shirts?
1552
01:06:10,034 --> 01:06:10,834
I know.
1553
01:06:10,867 --> 01:06:13,137
(he roars)
1554
01:06:14,338 --> 01:06:16,040
- Tim Kennedy versus
zombie Randy Couture
1555
01:06:16,073 --> 01:06:18,075
is a fight that many
people wished for
1556
01:06:18,108 --> 01:06:19,943
but never thought
would actually happen.
1557
01:06:19,976 --> 01:06:22,779
- One has to wonder
thought how being a zombie
1558
01:06:22,812 --> 01:06:24,548
will affect the former champion.
1559
01:06:24,581 --> 01:06:26,583
- And that's the question
everyone's asking, Mike
1560
01:06:26,616 --> 01:06:29,219
Randy Couture's always been
a very cerebral fighter
1561
01:06:29,253 --> 01:06:31,688
but with the lack of a fully
functioning frontal lobe,
1562
01:06:31,721 --> 01:06:33,290
how will this impact his style?
1563
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:36,960
- I got an idea,
let's do this thing.
1564
01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:39,896
This fight is brought to you
buy North American Rescue,
1565
01:06:39,929 --> 01:06:42,566
Federal Resources
supply company,
1566
01:06:42,599 --> 01:06:45,335
and the xtreme
couture GI foundation.
1567
01:06:45,369 --> 01:06:46,703
Now, here we go.
1568
01:06:47,737 --> 01:06:48,972
(bell dings)
1569
01:06:49,005 --> 01:06:49,806
(man laughs)
1570
01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:51,375
(indistinct shouting)
1571
01:06:51,408 --> 01:06:53,210
- Holy shit, I can't
believe this determines
1572
01:06:53,243 --> 01:06:55,879
how the fucking world ends!
1573
01:06:55,912 --> 01:06:59,383
Really fucked up,
like really fucked up.
1574
01:06:59,416 --> 01:07:02,586
(indistinct shouting)
1575
01:07:06,323 --> 01:07:08,592
- Kennedy appears to
have really been working
1576
01:07:08,625 --> 01:07:10,127
on his stand up game, Brian.
1577
01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:12,762
He looks very alive out there.
1578
01:07:12,796 --> 01:07:15,065
- I see what you
did there, Mike.
1579
01:07:15,099 --> 01:07:16,333
- He's rocked, Brian.
1580
01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:19,403
Kennedy could lose here
and life as we know it
1581
01:07:19,436 --> 01:07:20,270
could end.
1582
01:07:22,038 --> 01:07:25,209
(indistinct shouting)
1583
01:07:29,279 --> 01:07:32,116
- Hey, never count out a
Greg Jackson trained fighter.
1584
01:07:32,149 --> 01:07:34,718
Tim Kennedy was born to
be underneath other men.
1585
01:07:34,751 --> 01:07:37,921
(indistinct shouting)
1586
01:07:39,489 --> 01:07:41,158
- Hurry this up,
Tim, I'm hungry.
1587
01:07:41,191 --> 01:07:42,359
I want snacks!
1588
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:46,730
(indistinct shouting)
1589
01:07:50,033 --> 01:07:52,536
- Fuck him up, fuck him up.
1590
01:07:52,569 --> 01:07:55,772
Fuck him, fuck him, put it in!
1591
01:07:55,805 --> 01:07:56,640
Yeah.
1592
01:07:57,507 --> 01:08:00,677
(indistinct shouting)
1593
01:08:02,712 --> 01:08:04,314
- He's got the kimura, Brian.
1594
01:08:04,348 --> 01:08:05,482
(bone snaps)
1595
01:08:05,515 --> 01:08:07,984
But, it doesn't
really fucking matter
1596
01:08:08,017 --> 01:08:09,386
because he's a zombie.
1597
01:08:09,419 --> 01:08:12,689
- Got to admire the
toughness of zombie Couture
1598
01:08:12,722 --> 01:08:15,225
and you really have to hand
it to Tim Kennedy here.
1599
01:08:15,259 --> 01:08:18,362
He's keeping Randy
at arm's length.
1600
01:08:18,395 --> 01:08:19,996
- I got my arm pulled off too.
1601
01:08:20,029 --> 01:08:21,698
Rip off the other one!
1602
01:08:21,731 --> 01:08:25,402
- Kennedy shoots and
he lands the take down.
1603
01:08:27,204 --> 01:08:28,705
(they cheer)
1604
01:08:28,738 --> 01:08:30,740
Oh Kennedy's locked in
the rear naked choke.
1605
01:08:30,774 --> 01:08:31,875
That's in deep, Brian.
1606
01:08:31,908 --> 01:08:33,610
- But hey, Couture won't tap.
1607
01:08:33,643 --> 01:08:34,678
(crowd cheers)
1608
01:08:34,711 --> 01:08:37,247
Whoa, it as all over.
1609
01:08:37,281 --> 01:08:39,316
Great heads up
move by Tim Kennedy
1610
01:08:39,349 --> 01:08:41,585
to win that fight
and save our asses.
1611
01:08:41,618 --> 01:08:43,753
(all cheer)
1612
01:08:43,787 --> 01:08:47,957
(somber uplifting
instrumental music)
1613
01:08:50,727 --> 01:08:52,396
- Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
1614
01:08:52,429 --> 01:08:55,365
Fucking ruin his credit score.
1615
01:08:55,399 --> 01:08:57,734
(all cheer)
1616
01:09:02,839 --> 01:09:04,674
- That's some bad ass shit, Tim.
1617
01:09:04,708 --> 01:09:07,744
Wait, why the fuck did we
leave our guns back there?
1618
01:09:07,777 --> 01:09:09,946
- How else are we gonna
have a final epic battle?
1619
01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:12,115
- Wait, epic battle?
1620
01:09:12,148 --> 01:09:15,319
I am so tired of you guys
smashing your dicks together.
1621
01:09:15,352 --> 01:09:16,186
Fuck this.
1622
01:09:20,023 --> 01:09:22,426
(zombie growls)
1623
01:09:22,459 --> 01:09:23,993
- Just when you thought
the night couldn't
1624
01:09:24,027 --> 01:09:28,064
get any more intense,
it's Danny Trejo's zombie.
1625
01:09:28,097 --> 01:09:29,899
- Who the fuck saw this coming.
1626
01:09:29,933 --> 01:09:33,102
(he laughs and yells)
1627
01:09:38,575 --> 01:09:39,476
- That's all me.
1628
01:09:39,509 --> 01:09:41,845
- Over my dead body.
1629
01:09:41,878 --> 01:09:43,880
- You know, Mike, Danny
Trejo was the San Quentin
1630
01:09:43,913 --> 01:09:45,549
boxing champion for five years
1631
01:09:45,582 --> 01:09:47,217
in two different weight classes.
1632
01:09:47,251 --> 01:09:50,119
However, one has to wonder
what a voracious appetite
1633
01:09:50,153 --> 01:09:51,921
for human flesh and an inability
1634
01:09:51,955 --> 01:09:54,391
to feel pain will do
for his skill set.
1635
01:09:54,424 --> 01:09:57,327
- Looks once again like
we're about to find out.
1636
01:09:57,361 --> 01:09:58,728
- I got this!
1637
01:09:58,762 --> 01:10:00,464
- Tom is making a classical
mistake here, Mike,
1638
01:10:00,497 --> 01:10:03,267
in that he really doesn't
know that the fuck he's doing.
1639
01:10:03,300 --> 01:10:05,702
Danny Trejo is a
certified bad ass
1640
01:10:05,735 --> 01:10:07,437
who now has supernatural powers.
1641
01:10:07,471 --> 01:10:09,038
- [Mat] He's a little
fuck, isn't he?
1642
01:10:09,072 --> 01:10:11,741
- Good initiative, bad judgment.
1643
01:10:14,511 --> 01:10:16,212
- Who's the mother
fucking hero now?
1644
01:10:16,246 --> 01:10:18,014
- Man, jumping on dud
doesn't meant shit.
1645
01:10:18,047 --> 01:10:18,848
(explosion)
1646
01:10:18,882 --> 01:10:20,049
Mother fucker!
1647
01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,386
- He's hurt, Brian.
1648
01:10:22,419 --> 01:10:23,953
- Now put a cat
tourniquet on this.
1649
01:10:23,987 --> 01:10:27,156
(tense suspenseful music)
1650
01:10:27,190 --> 01:10:29,459
Come on, hurry the fuck up.
1651
01:10:30,927 --> 01:10:33,330
- I'm trying, quit squirting.
1652
01:10:35,632 --> 01:10:37,233
- I got this.
1653
01:10:37,267 --> 01:10:39,068
(he shouts)
1654
01:10:39,102 --> 01:10:40,437
- Mike, it looks
like they're gonna
1655
01:10:40,470 --> 01:10:41,905
go with the team approach now.
1656
01:10:41,938 --> 01:10:44,107
In the military, we call
this an envelopment,
1657
01:10:44,140 --> 01:10:46,009
where you surround the
enemy and force him
1658
01:10:46,042 --> 01:10:47,811
to fight you on
multiple directions.
1659
01:10:47,844 --> 01:10:50,947
(he screams)
1660
01:10:50,980 --> 01:10:55,018
Or, they're just gonna
go at him one by one.
1661
01:10:55,051 --> 01:10:56,286
Like fucking morons.
1662
01:10:56,320 --> 01:10:57,854
- Straight shot to
the wedding tackle,
1663
01:10:57,887 --> 01:10:59,556
Brian, it's all over.
1664
01:10:59,589 --> 01:11:01,658
- And then he popped
his favorite sex doll.
1665
01:11:01,691 --> 01:11:04,461
Trejo remains cold as ice.
1666
01:11:04,494 --> 01:11:06,029
- Careful, guys.
1667
01:11:06,062 --> 01:11:09,032
- I'm big as fuck
bro, he can't hurt me.
1668
01:11:09,065 --> 01:11:12,502
(tense suspenseful music)
1669
01:11:15,639 --> 01:11:16,973
- Wow, Mike, he just
chopped him down
1670
01:11:17,006 --> 01:11:18,808
like a wet pine tree.
1671
01:11:18,842 --> 01:11:20,677
Is it me or did you think
he'd have a better chin?
1672
01:11:20,710 --> 01:11:23,246
- Well, I think he would
of had a better chin.
1673
01:11:23,279 --> 01:11:26,215
We're down to two and
he's taunting them.
1674
01:11:26,249 --> 01:11:29,252
Trejo is really a
next level zombie.
1675
01:11:29,285 --> 01:11:30,520
- Yeah, I hate to say it,
1676
01:11:30,554 --> 01:11:32,288
cause it likely means
the end of the world,
1677
01:11:32,322 --> 01:11:34,924
but he's just at a different
zombie level right now.
1678
01:11:34,958 --> 01:11:37,293
- Eeeny, meany, meenie, moe!
1679
01:11:40,096 --> 01:11:41,531
- [Brian] Looks like
zombie Trejo's identified
1680
01:11:41,565 --> 01:11:42,966
his next victim, Mike.
1681
01:11:42,999 --> 01:11:45,435
(he screams)
1682
01:11:45,469 --> 01:11:47,203
- Wow, that was just bad.
1683
01:11:47,236 --> 01:11:48,938
- He's Air Force, Mike.
1684
01:11:48,972 --> 01:11:50,507
- And we're down to one.
1685
01:11:50,540 --> 01:11:52,742
Looks like Nick
is rushing Trejo.
1686
01:11:52,776 --> 01:11:55,745
Well that worked
out great for, Tom.
1687
01:11:55,779 --> 01:11:58,482
He's teeing off, he
won't remember this.
1688
01:11:58,515 --> 01:12:00,550
- Like a goat at an
ISIS convention, Mike,
1689
01:12:00,584 --> 01:12:01,585
he's fucked.
1690
01:12:02,819 --> 01:12:04,087
- What are we doing?
1691
01:12:04,120 --> 01:12:05,555
- We have to get to a
place of observation.
1692
01:12:05,589 --> 01:12:08,892
(tense dramatic music)
1693
01:12:08,925 --> 01:12:11,528
(zombies growl)
1694
01:12:15,965 --> 01:12:18,568
- Here comes the fatal bite.
1695
01:12:18,602 --> 01:12:20,404
Saved by Kennedy.
1696
01:12:20,437 --> 01:12:21,638
I'm worried here, Mike.
1697
01:12:21,671 --> 01:12:23,473
Tim is still exhausted
from zombie Couture.
1698
01:12:23,507 --> 01:12:25,509
- Now, lets not count
Kennedy out yet.
1699
01:12:25,542 --> 01:12:27,744
As a special forces operator,
1700
01:12:27,777 --> 01:12:30,213
he's been in worse
spots then this.
1701
01:12:30,246 --> 01:12:32,048
- I'm pretty sure
that's not true.
1702
01:12:32,081 --> 01:12:33,282
- [Mat] Trejo!
1703
01:12:33,316 --> 01:12:34,317
- [Mike] Now what
just one minute.
1704
01:12:34,350 --> 01:12:35,519
- Mat is still up.
1705
01:12:35,552 --> 01:12:36,786
- This guys kinda
growing on me, Brian.
1706
01:12:36,820 --> 01:12:38,688
- Like e coli on
pig carcass, Mike.
1707
01:12:38,722 --> 01:12:41,558
(howls like wolf)
1708
01:12:42,626 --> 01:12:44,861
(he yells)
1709
01:12:46,162 --> 01:12:48,665
(tense music)
1710
01:12:54,303 --> 01:12:55,805
- Thanks man.
1711
01:12:55,839 --> 01:12:57,941
- I owed you for earlier.
1712
01:12:59,208 --> 01:13:00,977
It's a fucked up day.
1713
01:13:02,245 --> 01:13:05,482
- [Nick] I loved him in Machete.
1714
01:13:05,515 --> 01:13:07,617
- [JT] Blue leader six,
this is striker 3-1.
1715
01:13:07,651 --> 01:13:09,318
Give me some nam cans
on the remainders.
1716
01:13:09,352 --> 01:13:12,021
Get it out to me, Sandy,
I'd do it for you!
1717
01:13:12,055 --> 01:13:14,891
(heavy breathing)
1718
01:13:15,792 --> 01:13:19,463
(somber instrumental music)
1719
01:13:22,098 --> 01:13:24,333
(he yells)
1720
01:13:28,938 --> 01:13:33,409
(uplifting classical music)
1721
01:13:33,443 --> 01:13:35,879
(explosions)
1722
01:13:49,325 --> 01:13:50,326
- We did it.
1723
01:13:51,294 --> 01:13:52,729
We saved America.
1724
01:13:53,863 --> 01:13:56,365
- America sure is
beautiful, isn't she?
1725
01:13:56,399 --> 01:13:57,734
- How beautiful?
1726
01:13:58,768 --> 01:14:01,905
* Oh beautiful
1727
01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:05,408
* For spacious skies
1728
01:14:05,441 --> 01:14:09,012
* For amber waves of grain
1729
01:14:10,279 --> 01:14:14,183
* For purple mountains majesty
1730
01:14:15,719 --> 01:14:19,288
* Above the fruited plains
1731
01:14:21,324 --> 01:14:23,927
* America
1732
01:14:23,960 --> 01:14:26,530
* America
1733
01:14:26,563 --> 01:14:30,299
* God shed his grace on thee
1734
01:14:31,568 --> 01:14:34,070
* And crowned thy good
1735
01:14:34,103 --> 01:14:36,906
* With brotherhood
1736
01:14:36,940 --> 01:14:41,110
* From sea to shining sea
1737
01:14:45,982 --> 01:14:47,551
- I want to see every single
one of you mother fuckers
1738
01:14:47,584 --> 01:14:49,753
in the hallway, right now!
1739
01:14:52,622 --> 01:14:53,523
- Morning, Colonel.
1740
01:14:53,557 --> 01:14:56,292
- At ease, you son of a bitch.
1741
01:14:56,325 --> 01:14:57,861
I can't believe you did it.
1742
01:14:57,894 --> 01:14:59,896
- I can't believe
you doubted the team.
1743
01:14:59,929 --> 01:15:01,798
- That's just as well.
1744
01:15:01,831 --> 01:15:03,900
The President will be
coming in at 0900 hours
1745
01:15:03,933 --> 01:15:05,368
to address the nation.
1746
01:15:05,401 --> 01:15:07,036
He wants you front and
center with him on stage
1747
01:15:07,070 --> 01:15:09,038
as he makes his speech.
1748
01:15:09,072 --> 01:15:10,506
You're a hero.
1749
01:15:10,540 --> 01:15:12,508
- Sorry sir, but I'm not
going up on that podium
1750
01:15:12,542 --> 01:15:13,543
without the team.
1751
01:15:13,577 --> 01:15:15,545
We did this together.
1752
01:15:15,579 --> 01:15:17,747
- Selfless, I like that.
1753
01:15:17,781 --> 01:15:19,482
You and your entire
team can be on stage
1754
01:15:19,515 --> 01:15:21,117
for the big moment.
1755
01:15:22,385 --> 01:15:24,654
You guys did a great
thing for your country.
1756
01:15:24,688 --> 01:15:26,422
It's only right you
should all be there.
1757
01:15:26,455 --> 01:15:27,256
- Thank you, Colonel.
1758
01:15:27,290 --> 01:15:28,758
- No, thank you.
1759
01:15:28,792 --> 01:15:31,460
You're finally living up
to your potential, Mat.
1760
01:15:31,494 --> 01:15:33,462
And I was wrong about you.
1761
01:15:33,496 --> 01:15:34,497
You guys have a couple of hours
1762
01:15:34,530 --> 01:15:36,833
to go in and get
something to eat
1763
01:15:36,866 --> 01:15:39,235
and if you want to be on stage,
1764
01:15:39,268 --> 01:15:41,104
I suggest you figure out
a way to get that doll
1765
01:15:41,137 --> 01:15:42,639
of your cock, son.
1766
01:15:44,473 --> 01:15:46,610
- Sir, one more thing.
1767
01:15:46,643 --> 01:15:49,045
Did you just decide not
to shave this morning or?
1768
01:15:49,078 --> 01:15:50,947
- It's the end of
the world, fuck you.
1769
01:15:50,980 --> 01:15:52,281
(he laughs)
1770
01:15:52,315 --> 01:15:53,516
- I'm sure the
scientists have something
1771
01:15:53,549 --> 01:15:57,253
to take your doll
of your dick, dude.
1772
01:15:57,286 --> 01:15:59,956
- What if I don't want it off?
1773
01:15:59,989 --> 01:16:02,091
- What, what do you mean?
1774
01:16:03,159 --> 01:16:04,761
- There is no glue.
1775
01:16:07,563 --> 01:16:09,265
It's just Velcro.
1776
01:16:09,298 --> 01:16:14,137
Tanisha, she's more than a
rubber fuck puppet to me.
1777
01:16:14,170 --> 01:16:15,271
She's therapy.
1778
01:16:15,304 --> 01:16:16,205
(soft somber music)
1779
01:16:16,239 --> 01:16:18,908
She's my security blanket.
1780
01:16:18,942 --> 01:16:20,209
My best friend.
1781
01:16:21,645 --> 01:16:22,712
She's the only person I know
1782
01:16:22,746 --> 01:16:24,981
that I can really open up to.
1783
01:16:25,014 --> 01:16:27,283
I mean really open up to.
1784
01:16:27,316 --> 01:16:30,553
She doesn't judge
me, she just listens.
1785
01:16:31,888 --> 01:16:33,556
- I had no idea man.
1786
01:16:34,891 --> 01:16:36,159
- Everybody thought
I went to Wal-Mart
1787
01:16:36,192 --> 01:16:37,694
to get some sort
of epoxy remover
1788
01:16:37,727 --> 01:16:39,796
to get her off my johnson
1789
01:16:41,164 --> 01:16:45,802
but the truth is, I just wanted
to take her out on a date.
1790
01:16:45,835 --> 01:16:48,071
(he cries)
1791
01:16:50,339 --> 01:16:52,375
I love you, brother.
1792
01:16:52,408 --> 01:16:53,877
- Love you too man
1793
01:16:53,910 --> 01:16:58,081
but I'm gonna need you to
get your dick off of me.
1794
01:17:00,349 --> 01:17:03,920
- Alright, let me get a
little fresh air exposed
1795
01:17:03,953 --> 01:17:05,554
to it for a minute.
1796
01:17:06,422 --> 01:17:07,924
- Why don't you take a couple
1797
01:17:07,957 --> 01:17:10,760
and go regroup yourself, right?
1798
01:17:10,794 --> 01:17:11,795
Thanks, bro.
1799
01:17:16,165 --> 01:17:17,934
- I gotta bounce, bro.
1800
01:17:17,967 --> 01:17:20,704
- The President is on
his way here right now.
1801
01:17:20,737 --> 01:17:22,338
- Yeah, but I have
some stuff I got
1802
01:17:22,371 --> 01:17:23,539
to take care of bro.
1803
01:17:23,572 --> 01:17:26,142
- Shit bigger than
the President?
1804
01:17:26,175 --> 01:17:27,010
- Yeah.
1805
01:17:29,078 --> 01:17:30,179
Sorry, bro.
1806
01:17:30,213 --> 01:17:31,047
Gotta go.
1807
01:17:32,816 --> 01:17:34,050
- Are you hungry dude?
1808
01:17:34,083 --> 01:17:34,984
- Yeah man.
1809
01:17:35,018 --> 01:17:36,720
Let's go get some food.
1810
01:17:36,753 --> 01:17:38,087
You guys want anything?
1811
01:17:38,121 --> 01:17:39,655
- Yeah, we'll be
there in a minute.
1812
01:17:39,689 --> 01:17:40,523
- Alright.
1813
01:17:41,925 --> 01:17:43,693
- Crazy couple of days, huh?
1814
01:17:43,727 --> 01:17:45,028
- Yeah, I'm exhausted.
1815
01:17:45,061 --> 01:17:47,196
- So, I was thinking,
1816
01:17:47,230 --> 01:17:49,398
maybe after this whole
thing blows over,
1817
01:17:49,432 --> 01:17:52,035
you and I can like
get away or something.
1818
01:17:52,068 --> 01:17:53,036
- Yeah, fuck it.
1819
01:17:53,069 --> 01:17:53,870
Let's do...
1820
01:17:53,903 --> 01:17:55,671
You broke me down.
1821
01:17:55,705 --> 01:17:56,706
Let's do it.
1822
01:17:56,740 --> 01:17:58,574
Let's go to Sandals Jamaica.
1823
01:17:58,607 --> 01:18:01,544
We just lay in bed
and order room service
1824
01:18:01,577 --> 01:18:05,114
for fuel to fuck each
others brains out
1825
01:18:05,148 --> 01:18:08,852
all day, all night,
is that what you want?
1826
01:18:08,885 --> 01:18:10,519
(he squeals)
1827
01:18:10,553 --> 01:18:11,387
Yeah.
1828
01:18:14,257 --> 01:18:17,693
I'll tell you what, you
lose a little bit of weight,
1829
01:18:17,727 --> 01:18:21,197
get yourself down to a cool 185,
1830
01:18:21,230 --> 01:18:23,499
I'll make that happen.
1831
01:18:23,532 --> 01:18:24,533
Deal?
1832
01:18:24,567 --> 01:18:26,569
- Oh yes, deal.
1833
01:18:26,602 --> 01:18:27,436
- Great.
1834
01:18:28,404 --> 01:18:29,806
You want some food?
1835
01:18:29,839 --> 01:18:33,409
There's a truckload of
freedom fudge outside.
1836
01:18:33,442 --> 01:18:36,579
- Well, I probably shouldn't.
1837
01:18:36,612 --> 01:18:39,615
Technically I haven't slept
so it's still my cheat day.
1838
01:18:39,648 --> 01:18:41,584
- Yeah of course, sure.
1839
01:18:43,552 --> 01:18:45,121
- In a few moments,
the President
1840
01:18:45,154 --> 01:18:48,091
will speak live about
the military containment
1841
01:18:48,124 --> 01:18:50,426
of the mysterious
virus that has plagued
1842
01:18:50,459 --> 01:18:53,029
the United States and
neighboring countries
1843
01:18:53,062 --> 01:18:56,800
in North and South America
for the last three days.
1844
01:18:56,833 --> 01:18:59,903
It is believed that one
of them is responsible
1845
01:18:59,936 --> 01:19:01,304
for saving man kind.
1846
01:19:01,337 --> 01:19:04,607
(soft patriotic music)
1847
01:19:07,176 --> 01:19:11,848
- My fellow Americans, as
you are all painfully aware,
1848
01:19:11,881 --> 01:19:14,617
the last few days since
the crash of an aircraft
1849
01:19:14,650 --> 01:19:18,621
carrying an unknown virus,
have been full of sorrow,
1850
01:19:18,654 --> 01:19:20,990
heartache, and deep despair.
1851
01:19:22,725 --> 01:19:26,896
We lost nearly half of our
population in the outbreak
1852
01:19:26,930 --> 01:19:28,031
and that's a loss...
1853
01:19:28,064 --> 01:19:29,933
- Holy shit, Marcus you made it?
1854
01:19:29,966 --> 01:19:31,167
- Damn right.
1855
01:19:31,200 --> 01:19:35,138
I'm Marcus Luttrell,
fucking live forever.
1856
01:19:35,171 --> 01:19:39,575
- Can't you Seals just let
us have one fucking movie?
1857
01:19:39,608 --> 01:19:41,044
- Absolutely not.
1858
01:19:42,946 --> 01:19:45,781
- I hate to single
out individuals
1859
01:19:47,083 --> 01:19:49,685
but there is one
man who's courage,
1860
01:19:49,718 --> 01:19:51,921
who's actions, who's
tenacity stood head
1861
01:19:51,955 --> 01:19:54,690
and shoulders above all others.
1862
01:19:54,723 --> 01:19:58,161
This is a man who truly
understands the concept
1863
01:19:58,194 --> 01:20:00,696
of country before self.
1864
01:20:00,729 --> 01:20:01,898
- It's fucking you man.
1865
01:20:01,931 --> 01:20:02,866
- It's fucking us.
1866
01:20:02,899 --> 01:20:04,767
- He saved our way of life,
1867
01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:06,836
he saved America.
1868
01:20:06,870 --> 01:20:09,238
Ladies and gentleman,
1869
01:20:09,272 --> 01:20:11,140
Sergeant Major Gene Vandenham.
1870
01:20:11,174 --> 01:20:13,910
(crowd applauds)
1871
01:20:16,345 --> 01:20:20,283
- I want to you know, you're
still 2nd best in my eyes.
1872
01:20:20,316 --> 01:20:23,452
I'm proud of the man you
might become one day.
1873
01:20:23,486 --> 01:20:27,456
(energetic patriotic music)
1874
01:20:27,490 --> 01:20:31,160
- You know when I saw
that video of Gene
1875
01:20:31,194 --> 01:20:33,096
taken from one of
our space satellites,
1876
01:20:33,129 --> 01:20:36,532
I just knew that we would
have to give him yet another
1877
01:20:36,565 --> 01:20:37,366
medal of honor.
1878
01:20:37,400 --> 01:20:38,734
Well done, Gene.
1879
01:20:39,735 --> 01:20:41,905
(gunfire)
1880
01:20:43,372 --> 01:20:47,710
What marvelous images, in the
midst of a zombie apocalypse,
1881
01:20:47,743 --> 01:20:50,713
Gene get's this
incredible video.
1882
01:20:50,746 --> 01:20:54,918
He took the crew and the
camera and shot it himself.
1883
01:20:56,085 --> 01:20:58,587
(he howls)
1884
01:20:58,621 --> 01:21:00,289
- Also, there's a
promotional video
1885
01:21:00,323 --> 01:21:01,958
that's gonna be out
of me killing zombies,
1886
01:21:01,991 --> 01:21:04,360
in about 13 days
it's gonna be $69.99,
1887
01:21:04,393 --> 01:21:06,996
that's eight easy installments.
1888
01:21:08,397 --> 01:21:09,332
- [Voiceover] Lots of people
wonder what they would
1889
01:21:09,365 --> 01:21:12,001
do if the world is ending.
1890
01:21:12,035 --> 01:21:14,337
Our story might not be normal
1891
01:21:14,370 --> 01:21:17,440
but I learned some
important life lessons.
1892
01:21:17,473 --> 01:21:19,909
Tim Kennedy's abs
are to die for.
1893
01:21:19,943 --> 01:21:22,845
That was pun for
you, the audience.
1894
01:21:22,878 --> 01:21:25,214
Also, JT will never get laid
1895
01:21:26,715 --> 01:21:29,919
and killing zombies was
actually pretty easy.
1896
01:21:29,953 --> 01:21:31,921
Thanks global war on terror.
1897
01:21:31,955 --> 01:21:36,125
And most importantly, love
is the most powerful emotion
1898
01:21:37,560 --> 01:21:41,230
and Rocco, well he found
love in a hopeless place.
1899
01:21:42,565 --> 01:21:45,468
("Baby Come Back")
1900
01:22:26,309 --> 01:22:29,812
(soft country rock music)
1901
01:25:50,179 --> 01:25:54,283
(tense electronic hip hop music)
1902
01:29:03,138 --> 01:29:05,641
(phone rings)
1903
01:29:09,177 --> 01:29:09,945
- God damn, Mat.
1904
01:29:09,978 --> 01:29:11,380
Wake the fuck up.
1905
01:29:11,414 --> 01:29:14,650
Your phone's been ringing
all fucking morning.
1906
01:29:17,119 --> 01:29:17,953
- What?
1907
01:29:19,622 --> 01:29:20,456
Oh my god.
1908
01:29:22,725 --> 01:29:24,326
- What the fuck was that?
1909
01:29:24,359 --> 01:29:27,062
- You would think
saving the fucking world
1910
01:29:27,095 --> 01:29:28,296
would let you keep your job
1911
01:29:28,330 --> 01:29:29,998
but I'm fired, again.
1912
01:29:30,032 --> 01:29:31,266
- If you want, I can
always get you a job
1913
01:29:31,299 --> 01:29:33,301
as a janitor at the all
girls college I work at.
1914
01:29:33,335 --> 01:29:35,504
- Why didn't we
think of that before?
1915
01:29:35,538 --> 01:29:36,605
- Consider it done.
1916
01:29:36,639 --> 01:29:36,705
(he yells)
124099
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