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1
00:00:05,459 --> 00:00:08,201
Guillermo!
2
00:00:08,244 --> 00:00:10,420
The coffin is stuck again!
3
00:00:12,901 --> 00:00:14,163
Guillermo?
4
00:00:14,207 --> 00:00:15,817
The lid is very heavy.
5
00:00:15,860 --> 00:00:17,210
Are you sitting on it?
6
00:00:17,253 --> 00:00:20,517
A vampire's familiar
can be important.
7
00:00:20,561 --> 00:00:22,302
Can be a very big help.
8
00:00:22,345 --> 00:00:25,305
It feels like you are
sitting on it, Guillermo!
9
00:00:25,348 --> 00:00:27,916
Guillermo is not always helpful.
10
00:00:27,959 --> 00:00:31,224
He can be inconsistent
and human.
11
00:00:31,267 --> 00:00:32,921
Guillermo?
12
00:00:32,964 --> 00:00:34,618
Are you hiding from me?
13
00:00:34,662 --> 00:00:36,316
Ha!
14
00:00:36,359 --> 00:00:39,319
And surprisingly sneaky.
15
00:00:39,362 --> 00:00:40,450
Guillermo?
16
00:00:40,494 --> 00:00:43,410
I am about to disembark
from my coffin.
17
00:00:43,453 --> 00:00:45,803
There's no one to hold my hand.
18
00:00:45,847 --> 00:00:49,155
He likes to test
my patience sometimes.
19
00:00:49,198 --> 00:00:50,156
He's like a kid.
20
00:00:50,199 --> 00:00:52,941
I got out of my coffin
all by myself.
21
00:00:52,984 --> 00:00:54,725
He's Guillermo.
22
00:00:54,769 --> 00:00:55,900
Guillermo?
23
00:00:55,944 --> 00:00:59,165
Guillermo, have you taken
another day off?
24
00:00:59,208 --> 00:01:01,471
Knew I shouldn't have
given him anydays off.
25
00:01:01,515 --> 00:01:05,171
Shh. There's a vampire
approaching your room.
26
00:01:05,214 --> 00:01:07,521
Ha!
27
00:01:17,966 --> 00:01:20,577
He's gone.
28
00:01:22,884 --> 00:01:25,365
Don't sing if you want
to live long
29
00:01:25,408 --> 00:01:27,758
They have no use
for your song
30
00:01:27,802 --> 00:01:30,413
You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead
31
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:33,155
You're dead
and out of this world
32
00:01:34,939 --> 00:01:37,986
Now your hope and compassion
is gone
33
00:01:38,029 --> 00:01:40,684
You sold out your dream
to the world
34
00:01:40,728 --> 00:01:43,165
Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead
35
00:01:43,209 --> 00:01:45,689
You're dead
and out of this world.
36
00:01:55,003 --> 00:01:56,526
So, Guillermo has been gone
37
00:01:56,570 --> 00:01:58,920
for a few days now,
and as I predicted,
38
00:01:58,963 --> 00:02:01,227
we are doing absolutely fine.
39
00:02:01,270 --> 00:02:06,145
It's just so nice to have
the place to ourselves.
40
00:02:06,188 --> 00:02:07,320
Nandor, did you forget
to blow out
41
00:02:07,363 --> 00:02:09,104
the candles
before you went to bed
42
00:02:09,148 --> 00:02:10,801
Those candles are in the hallway
43
00:02:10,845 --> 00:02:13,543
and not in my room, so, no,
I did not blow them out!
44
00:02:13,587 --> 00:02:16,459
Now the wall is all wet!
45
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:17,634
Nadja!
46
00:02:17,678 --> 00:02:20,202
I'm not drying that wall!
47
00:02:20,246 --> 00:02:22,422
So, as I was saying,
48
00:02:22,465 --> 00:02:25,294
it is just so nice to have
the house to ourselves.
49
00:02:25,338 --> 00:02:27,514
You know, having
a human familiar is great,
50
00:02:27,557 --> 00:02:29,777
but to rely on one, I mean...
51
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,390
Even if they don't quit, howl
ong will a human familiar live?
52
00:02:34,434 --> 00:02:37,045
Hundred, 200 years?
53
00:02:37,088 --> 00:02:40,788
I mean, how old are you,
nine... 90?
54
00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:42,224
- 26.
- 26?
55
00:02:42,268 --> 00:02:44,444
Do you have long left,
do you think?
56
00:02:44,487 --> 00:02:46,489
Laszlo!
57
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:48,056
Hello, my darling!
58
00:02:48,099 --> 00:02:49,188
Who's this?
59
00:02:49,231 --> 00:02:50,841
Victim, begone.
60
00:02:50,885 --> 00:02:53,279
Wait, you're not gonna drink
all of my blood till I die.
61
00:02:53,322 --> 00:02:54,628
Not tonight, Josephine.
62
00:02:54,671 --> 00:02:55,846
It's too messy.
63
00:02:55,890 --> 00:02:57,457
Easier if you just walk out.
64
00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:58,458
Bloody cheek...
65
00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:03,463
Who is leaving all these
bodies everywhere?!
66
00:03:03,506 --> 00:03:04,464
You did that.
67
00:03:04,507 --> 00:03:05,465
Hey, hey.
68
00:03:05,508 --> 00:03:08,250
What in the Sam Hill?!
69
00:03:08,294 --> 00:03:09,991
Careful!
70
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,645
Jeepers creepers, you guys need
71
00:03:11,688 --> 00:03:13,647
to clean up
all these human juices.
72
00:03:13,690 --> 00:03:15,388
They'll dry on their own.
73
00:03:15,431 --> 00:03:17,041
Ah, crud, how am I supposed
74
00:03:17,085 --> 00:03:18,652
to go to work
looking like this?
75
00:03:18,695 --> 00:03:21,263
Can't you just change into
another of your beige suits?
76
00:03:21,307 --> 00:03:24,484
Yeah, I'll just say I got in
a bus accident or something.
77
00:03:24,527 --> 00:03:26,312
Damn it!
78
00:03:31,055 --> 00:03:32,709
Is anyone else a little chilly?
79
00:03:32,753 --> 00:03:34,363
Yeah, I'm as cold
as a witch's tit,
80
00:03:34,407 --> 00:03:36,844
because you let
the fire burn down.
81
00:03:38,672 --> 00:03:41,979
- What are you wearing?
- What are you wearing?
82
00:03:42,023 --> 00:03:44,330
Guillermo used to take
our clothes out once a week
83
00:03:44,373 --> 00:03:46,462
and bring them back clean,
and he's not here, so...
84
00:03:46,506 --> 00:03:48,116
Yeah, but where
did he take them?
85
00:03:48,159 --> 00:03:50,510
- The river?
- Oh, yes, that is a very good point.
86
00:03:50,553 --> 00:03:52,251
We should contact
the village washerwoman.
87
00:03:52,294 --> 00:03:54,253
Someone contact
the village washerwoman!
88
00:03:54,296 --> 00:03:56,037
I'm not doing that!
89
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,169
I drove him away, didn't I?
90
00:03:58,213 --> 00:04:00,302
Perhaps I should've been
a bit more aloof with him.
91
00:04:00,346 --> 00:04:01,912
What are you fucking talking about?
92
00:04:01,956 --> 00:04:03,566
He's just a familiar.
93
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,089
You're right.
94
00:04:05,133 --> 00:04:06,917
Fuck that guy
for making me think
95
00:04:06,961 --> 00:04:08,832
I need to act more aloof!
96
00:04:08,876 --> 00:04:10,399
We're doing just great
without him.
97
00:04:10,443 --> 00:04:12,140
Everything is normal and fun.
98
00:04:12,183 --> 00:04:13,446
You know, I did sense
99
00:04:13,489 --> 00:04:16,057
he was getting more
and more sad recently.
100
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,102
I could smell it on him.
It comes from the groin.
101
00:04:18,146 --> 00:04:20,104
- Ah.
- Colin Robinson,
102
00:04:20,148 --> 00:04:22,455
take out your cellular telephone
and take a picture
103
00:04:22,498 --> 00:04:25,545
of me having fun and then
send it to Guillermo,
104
00:04:25,588 --> 00:04:28,330
so that he knows how much
I do not miss him.
105
00:04:28,374 --> 00:04:31,420
Aah! Aah...
106
00:04:31,464 --> 00:04:33,553
I don't even have
his phone number, so...
107
00:04:33,596 --> 00:04:35,555
Well, look it up.
108
00:04:35,598 --> 00:04:37,557
Uh, what's his last name?
109
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,385
Uh...
110
00:04:39,428 --> 00:04:41,865
Greenberg?
111
00:04:41,909 --> 00:04:45,608
Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?
112
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:46,609
Yeah, but you assume
that's his first name.
113
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:48,045
Could be his last name.
114
00:04:48,089 --> 00:04:49,873
He could be called
Mickey Guillermo.
115
00:04:49,917 --> 00:04:51,179
Just look up "Guillermo."
116
00:04:51,222 --> 00:04:53,573
I'll do this just to show you
117
00:04:53,616 --> 00:04:55,575
how dumb you are.
118
00:04:55,618 --> 00:04:59,579
Yes, there are over
5,000 Guillermos
119
00:04:59,622 --> 00:05:01,624
in the New York
metropolitan area,
120
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:04,627
including Mickey Guillermos,
of which there are four.
121
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:06,455
Can we maybe narrow it down
a little bit?
122
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:08,588
Yes, yes, of course we can.
123
00:05:08,631 --> 00:05:10,111
What else do we know about him
124
00:05:10,154 --> 00:05:12,548
besides his first name
being Guillermo?
125
00:05:19,033 --> 00:05:21,340
Door's ringing, Laszlo.
126
00:05:21,383 --> 00:05:22,471
Well, you better go and answer it.
127
00:05:22,515 --> 00:05:23,820
Y... You better go and answer it.
128
00:05:23,864 --> 00:05:26,345
You got to go and answer
the darn-tootin' door.
129
00:05:26,388 --> 00:05:27,868
- Stop doing that!
- Stop doing what?
130
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,783
Come on, just go get the door.
131
00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:31,915
I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.
132
00:05:31,959 --> 00:05:33,395
I'll do it then.
133
00:05:34,483 --> 00:05:36,180
I wanted to do it.
134
00:05:38,792 --> 00:05:40,359
Assistance, please?
135
00:05:40,402 --> 00:05:41,621
Ooh, it has a hex on it.
136
00:05:41,664 --> 00:05:43,579
Gizmo's probably cursed it.
137
00:05:43,623 --> 00:05:44,624
Pull!
138
00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:45,712
- "Pull"?
- Yeah.
139
00:05:45,755 --> 00:05:47,409
- Aha!
- Oh.
140
00:05:47,453 --> 00:05:49,759
- Here you go.
- Begone.
141
00:05:49,803 --> 00:05:53,372
Come back. You will forget
everything you have seen.
142
00:05:53,415 --> 00:05:56,200
Most importantly,
the way we are both dressed.
143
00:05:56,244 --> 00:05:58,464
To the fancy room again.
144
00:05:58,507 --> 00:06:00,422
- Well, who is it from?
- Get it open.
145
00:06:01,510 --> 00:06:03,033
Well?
146
00:06:03,077 --> 00:06:05,471
It is from the
Nouveau Th��tre des Vampires.
147
00:06:06,689 --> 00:06:08,604
And we have all been invited!
148
00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:12,608
- Yes!
- Yeah.
149
00:06:12,652 --> 00:06:16,003
The Nouveau Th��tre
des Vampires is
150
00:06:16,046 --> 00:06:18,658
- a very, very big deal.
- They travel from Europe
151
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:21,400
to the United States
once every five years.
152
00:06:21,443 --> 00:06:25,578
And only the cr�me de la cr�me
de la creams of vampire society
153
00:06:25,621 --> 00:06:27,014
is invited.
154
00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:29,712
This is the first year
we have made the cut.
155
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:30,844
Everyone who has seen it says
156
00:06:30,887 --> 00:06:32,585
it is magnificent.
157
00:06:32,628 --> 00:06:33,760
It is an all-vampire cast
158
00:06:33,803 --> 00:06:35,675
and it is just
the most beautiful,
159
00:06:35,718 --> 00:06:38,199
eerie, poignant, important,
160
00:06:38,242 --> 00:06:40,680
- important work.
- And I've heard there's a lot of nudity.
161
00:06:40,723 --> 00:06:43,073
And I mean a lot,
and when I say a lot,
162
00:06:43,117 --> 00:06:45,641
I don't just mean a whiff
of tit, I mean the full rack.
163
00:06:45,685 --> 00:06:47,904
Full boobies, full boners.
164
00:06:47,948 --> 00:06:49,645
The full display.
165
00:06:49,689 --> 00:06:51,255
We're going to have so much fun.
166
00:06:51,299 --> 00:06:52,605
I am
167
00:06:52,648 --> 00:06:56,304
so G-damn excited to be going
to the vampire theater.
168
00:06:56,347 --> 00:06:58,959
There's some genitalia on show
there that would make a human
169
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,091
go, "What is that exactly?"
170
00:07:01,135 --> 00:07:03,093
So we shall be honored
to attend.
171
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,574
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait.
172
00:07:05,618 --> 00:07:08,882
What are we thinking?
We don't have any clothes!
173
00:07:08,925 --> 00:07:11,537
They are all soiled.
We cannot go dressed like this.
174
00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:13,539
She's right.
We can't go dressed like this.
175
00:07:13,582 --> 00:07:15,366
We'll be laughed
out of the place.
176
00:07:15,410 --> 00:07:17,281
They're not going
to let us in now.
177
00:07:17,325 --> 00:07:19,762
- Goddamn it!
- Damn!
178
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:25,681
Wait, stop, guys, stop.
179
00:07:25,725 --> 00:07:27,640
- Am I really gonna do this?
- Do what?
180
00:07:29,076 --> 00:07:30,077
Listen.
181
00:07:31,252 --> 00:07:34,385
There is a way to get
your clothes back.
182
00:07:34,429 --> 00:07:37,258
Don't ask me how.
You don't want to know.
183
00:07:37,301 --> 00:07:38,868
There's a good chance
that I'm...
184
00:07:38,912 --> 00:07:40,653
not even gonna
make it back alive.
185
00:07:40,696 --> 00:07:43,743
You mean you might be killed, Colin Robinson?
186
00:07:43,786 --> 00:07:45,135
We don't want you
to hurt yourself.
187
00:07:45,179 --> 00:07:46,702
Me neither, damn it.
188
00:07:46,746 --> 00:07:48,878
But if I do
this kindness for you,
189
00:07:48,922 --> 00:07:50,750
can I ask for one in return?
190
00:07:50,793 --> 00:07:51,881
Anything. What is it?
191
00:07:51,925 --> 00:07:55,319
I'd really like to move out
of my room in the basement.
192
00:07:55,363 --> 00:07:58,497
If you retrieve our clothes,
you can move into my room.
193
00:07:58,540 --> 00:08:00,542
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want your room.
194
00:08:00,586 --> 00:08:03,502
I... I just want to move into
that other room in the basement.
195
00:08:03,545 --> 00:08:06,505
- Hmm? - Sounds fair. - Really?
196
00:08:06,548 --> 00:08:08,724
Go ahead. Do that now.
197
00:08:08,768 --> 00:08:10,900
I guess we're going
to the Th��tre!
198
00:08:14,817 --> 00:08:18,734
So, basically I needed to go
to the dry cleaners anyway.
199
00:08:18,778 --> 00:08:20,475
I just didn't want to make it
sound too easy for them,
200
00:08:20,519 --> 00:08:22,433
'cause you go
once or twice and then,
201
00:08:22,477 --> 00:08:24,174
all of a sudden
you're the go-to
202
00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:25,698
dry cleaning fetcher.
203
00:08:25,741 --> 00:08:27,700
Colin Robinson wins again.
204
00:08:36,622 --> 00:08:39,886
Yeah, so I had to...
205
00:08:39,929 --> 00:08:42,889
I had to get out of there, so...
206
00:08:42,932 --> 00:08:46,370
�Mam�? Mam�.
207
00:08:46,414 --> 00:08:48,155
Mam�!
208
00:08:48,198 --> 00:08:49,765
- Ah, tu pel�cula.
- S�.
209
00:08:49,809 --> 00:08:52,202
Okay.
210
00:08:52,246 --> 00:08:54,509
Our fridge broke today, so...
211
00:08:54,553 --> 00:08:55,945
But, yeah, I had
to get out of there.
212
00:08:55,989 --> 00:08:57,773
Never mind
that I'm prone to being
213
00:08:57,817 --> 00:08:59,645
a vampire slayer.
214
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,257
I'm, like, killing vampires,
215
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:04,432
killing, killing,
killing, killing,
216
00:09:04,475 --> 00:09:05,738
but also wanting
to be a vampire?
217
00:09:05,781 --> 00:09:08,654
I just had to think
about that and also
218
00:09:08,697 --> 00:09:11,570
manage my everyday duties,
which were falling
219
00:09:11,613 --> 00:09:13,615
at the wayside
because I wasn't focused.
220
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,623
This is it.
This is my life now.
221
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,538
You know?
And I'm happy with that.
222
00:09:23,582 --> 00:09:24,757
I'm content.
223
00:09:32,068 --> 00:09:34,027
Okay.
224
00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:35,637
She's happy that I'm home.
225
00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:37,770
It's good to be wanted.
226
00:09:37,813 --> 00:09:40,599
And I do miss them.
I miss them a lot.
227
00:09:40,642 --> 00:09:43,253
I'll be right back.
228
00:09:45,299 --> 00:09:46,953
Okay, y... yo tengo un mini-fridge.
229
00:09:46,996 --> 00:09:48,911
Or I hada mini-fridge.
Well, actually,
230
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:51,087
it's my friend Topher's,
but, you know, he's dead now.
231
00:09:51,131 --> 00:09:52,132
Ay, pobrecito.
232
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,350
No, sorry, no.
233
00:09:53,394 --> 00:09:55,309
He wasdead. I... I'll go get it.
234
00:09:58,704 --> 00:10:00,270
Staten Island.
235
00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:06,102
Secret entrance. Very cool.
236
00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:07,495
So glad you could join us.
237
00:10:07,538 --> 00:10:09,845
- I don't like our seats.
- You haven't seen them.
238
00:10:09,889 --> 00:10:12,065
- I don't like seats.
- Get in there.
239
00:10:12,108 --> 00:10:14,371
- And here are your media passes.
- Thanks.
240
00:10:14,415 --> 00:10:16,765
Make sure you keep them
on you at all times.
241
00:10:19,072 --> 00:10:21,857
We've waited 500 years for
an invite to this, you know?
242
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:23,816
We should have been
to many more, but...
243
00:10:23,859 --> 00:10:26,949
- Well, here you are now.
- Here we are now.
244
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,429
- Right this way, sir.
- Ah...
245
00:10:28,472 --> 00:10:30,823
Thank you very much.
Good evening.
246
00:10:30,866 --> 00:10:33,869
- Good evening.
- Ooh, very nice seats.
247
00:10:33,913 --> 00:10:35,001
I should damn well think so.
248
00:10:35,044 --> 00:10:37,612
"I guess I must be
in the front row."
249
00:10:37,656 --> 00:10:38,918
No, you're sitting here with us.
250
00:10:38,961 --> 00:10:41,311
No, it's Bob Uecker,
from a commercial in the '80s.
251
00:10:41,355 --> 00:10:43,400
He was the Milwaukee Brewers
announcer...
252
00:10:43,444 --> 00:10:45,707
A wonderful anecdote.
253
00:10:45,751 --> 00:10:47,622
We should be in and out,
254
00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:48,797
so it's not gonna be weird.
255
00:10:50,364 --> 00:10:51,974
Hello?
256
00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:55,021
If it gets uncomfortable,
I'll just give you a signal.
257
00:10:55,064 --> 00:10:56,892
I'll just do eyes like that.
258
00:10:56,936 --> 00:10:59,112
Hello? Whoa! Ow...
259
00:11:03,072 --> 00:11:06,206
Nadja? Laszlo?
260
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:07,903
Mas... Nandor?
261
00:11:07,947 --> 00:11:09,949
Colin Robinson?
262
00:11:09,992 --> 00:11:11,211
- Where is everyone?
- Hello.
263
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,343
You scared me.
264
00:11:13,387 --> 00:11:14,910
You scare easy.
265
00:11:14,954 --> 00:11:17,086
- They knew you'd be back.
- Where is everyone?
266
00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:18,740
- They went out.
- Out? Wow.
267
00:11:18,784 --> 00:11:20,307
- Where did they go?
- To the Th��tre.
268
00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:23,571
They're having a great life
without you.
269
00:11:23,614 --> 00:11:25,529
The invitation is over there
if you don't believe me.
270
00:11:25,573 --> 00:11:27,749
Very exclusive event.
271
00:11:27,793 --> 00:11:29,708
"You're cordially invited
to the Nouveau Th��tre
272
00:11:29,751 --> 00:11:30,970
des Vampires..."
273
00:11:31,013 --> 00:11:32,711
That's French.
274
00:11:32,754 --> 00:11:34,756
It's like a theater.
Do you see that?
275
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,932
There's a guy hanging.
It's pretty clever, it's...
276
00:11:36,976 --> 00:11:38,978
Geez, the work on this is so...
277
00:11:41,197 --> 00:11:43,112
Is that...?
Does that look like a...?
278
00:11:43,156 --> 00:11:44,853
It's the Vampiric Council.
279
00:11:44,897 --> 00:11:46,986
Dark greetings of the night.
280
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,946
Only an idiot would go
to something like this.
281
00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:52,208
This is clearly a trap.
282
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:53,949
They... Did they go to this?
283
00:11:53,993 --> 00:11:56,735
- Uh, yeah.
- Oh, God.
284
00:11:56,778 --> 00:11:58,998
They're all gonna die.
285
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:00,869
- I'm gonna go. It's started already,
so I'm gonna go, okay? - Good luck.
286
00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:03,916
- I do not think you will succeed.
- I'm gonna go. Shut up.
287
00:12:03,959 --> 00:12:06,396
Is that Mikhail the Awful?
288
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,833
- Yes, that is.
- Hmm?
289
00:12:07,876 --> 00:12:08,964
Good evening, Mikhail.
290
00:12:09,965 --> 00:12:11,750
The man is a total prick.
291
00:12:11,793 --> 00:12:13,752
He's nowhere near as funny
as he thinks he is.
292
00:12:13,795 --> 00:12:16,058
Oh. That is Maricela,
293
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,494
- Mistress of the Night.
- Ha!
294
00:12:17,538 --> 00:12:19,061
More like Maricela,
295
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,324
Mistress of the Shitty Seats.
296
00:12:21,368 --> 00:12:24,066
A lot of heavy hitters
in the house tonight.
297
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:25,981
Even from
the energy vampire world.
298
00:12:26,025 --> 00:12:27,940
Todd Smith. Saw him naked once.
299
00:12:27,983 --> 00:12:29,985
It's Pamela.
300
00:12:30,029 --> 00:12:32,205
Pamela's here. It's Pamela.
301
00:12:32,248 --> 00:12:34,033
Don't embarrass me.
302
00:12:53,008 --> 00:12:54,967
Whoa.
303
00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:00,799
Hell yeah.
304
00:13:11,722 --> 00:13:13,637
I know how he did that.
305
00:13:13,681 --> 00:13:15,030
Will you just
let me enjoy it, please?
306
00:13:15,074 --> 00:13:17,772
Good evening,
citizens of the night.
307
00:13:17,816 --> 00:13:22,037
Kings and queens,
princes and potentates,
308
00:13:22,081 --> 00:13:24,997
ladies and gentlemen,
vampires all.
309
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,955
Yes.
310
00:13:28,957 --> 00:13:30,829
Nice shimmy.
He's good, this guy.
311
00:13:30,872 --> 00:13:33,048
Tonight our performance
is different.
312
00:13:33,092 --> 00:13:36,095
Tonight is something
a little bit special.
313
00:13:36,138 --> 00:13:38,837
- Oh.
- We all know the reason that we are here.
314
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,013
Well, most of us do.
315
00:13:41,056 --> 00:13:43,406
So, without any further ado,
316
00:13:43,450 --> 00:13:48,107
please make welcome
our guests of honor.
317
00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:49,630
- Oh...
- Oh, thank you.
318
00:13:49,673 --> 00:13:51,588
- Oh, that's us. Greetings.
- Us?
319
00:13:51,632 --> 00:13:52,633
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey!
320
00:13:52,676 --> 00:13:53,721
Easy there.
321
00:13:53,764 --> 00:13:56,158
- No! Get off me!
- Good Lord.
322
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,464
This is silver rope.
323
00:13:57,507 --> 00:13:59,727
- Ow.
- Oh, shit.
324
00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:02,121
I recognize that man.
He was at the Vampire Council.
325
00:14:02,164 --> 00:14:03,557
- Yes.
- Shit.
326
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,213
There is but one crime
to us vampires here.
327
00:14:07,256 --> 00:14:11,130
It is the one crime that
means death to any vampire:
328
00:14:11,173 --> 00:14:13,219
killing your own kind.
329
00:14:13,262 --> 00:14:14,742
Oh, this shithead.
330
00:14:14,785 --> 00:14:16,004
- We've never done that.
- We never did that.
331
00:14:16,048 --> 00:14:18,050
Boo. Boo.
332
00:14:18,093 --> 00:14:19,051
Don't boo us.
333
00:14:22,402 --> 00:14:23,925
With Baron Afanas,
334
00:14:23,969 --> 00:14:26,493
'twas four against one.
335
00:14:26,536 --> 00:14:28,843
- Is that supposed to be us?
- No idea.
336
00:14:28,887 --> 00:14:30,323
They opened the door
337
00:14:30,366 --> 00:14:32,151
and let through the sun.
338
00:14:34,153 --> 00:14:36,720
Very shocking.
339
00:14:36,764 --> 00:14:39,201
This is absurd.
340
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:42,509
That never happened. We would
never prance around like tits.
341
00:14:42,552 --> 00:14:44,990
- This is all shit!
- I would never high-five.
342
00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:47,122
I'll be honest with you, my look-alike
343
00:14:47,166 --> 00:14:49,124
is kind of giving me a chub.
344
00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:53,694
Ludwig the guard,
345
00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:57,480
just doing his job,
skewered through the heart,
346
00:14:57,524 --> 00:14:59,134
a vampire kebab.
347
00:15:00,744 --> 00:15:02,137
Boo!
348
00:15:02,181 --> 00:15:03,312
That wasn't even their fault.
349
00:15:03,356 --> 00:15:05,836
Stay back!
350
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,796
- Boo you!
- Shut up, Pamela.
351
00:15:08,839 --> 00:15:11,059
- Did we do this?
- We didn't do that. Did you guys do that?
352
00:15:11,103 --> 00:15:13,888
- None of us did that.
- Well, don't look at me.
353
00:15:13,932 --> 00:15:15,150
This seems like one of those
things that you guys
354
00:15:15,194 --> 00:15:16,935
all did together
and didn't include me.
355
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,763
What's this shit?
356
00:15:19,807 --> 00:15:22,244
Hold on a second.
We were promised nudity.
357
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:24,203
Penis and full bush.
This is a swiz.
358
00:15:24,246 --> 00:15:26,335
I am sorry, but when I dance,
359
00:15:26,379 --> 00:15:27,946
the ocean parts.
360
00:15:27,989 --> 00:15:29,948
She has absolutely
no rhythm whatsoever.
361
00:15:29,991 --> 00:15:31,253
This is your hot take?
362
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,951
That you have a problem
with the choreography?
363
00:15:32,994 --> 00:15:34,387
Oh, okay. There I am.
364
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:36,389
Assassins were sent
365
00:15:36,432 --> 00:15:39,000
to bring them to justice.
366
00:15:39,044 --> 00:15:42,961
They murdered them all
by bringing the ruckus.
367
00:15:44,832 --> 00:15:46,138
Boo.
368
00:15:46,181 --> 00:15:47,835
Very clunky rhyme.
369
00:15:47,878 --> 00:15:50,229
I think it's a Wu-Tang reference.
370
00:15:50,272 --> 00:15:51,795
"Bring the Ruckus."
371
00:15:51,839 --> 00:15:53,101
All I know is, I haven't had
372
00:15:53,145 --> 00:15:55,538
- a whiff of Wu or Tang.
- Exactly.
373
00:15:55,582 --> 00:15:57,671
- Oh.
- They're throwing his head around
374
00:15:57,714 --> 00:15:59,499
like a beach ball.
375
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,242
A vampire family
376
00:16:03,285 --> 00:16:04,678
who loved one another.
377
00:16:04,721 --> 00:16:06,593
You slaughtered them all.
378
00:16:08,116 --> 00:16:09,509
Word to the mother.
379
00:16:12,903 --> 00:16:14,993
Then laughing about it.
380
00:16:16,255 --> 00:16:17,778
I mean, I have... I'm clueless.
381
00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:18,822
I have no idea.
382
00:16:18,866 --> 00:16:21,129
We didn't do any of this shit!
383
00:16:22,609 --> 00:16:24,219
Uh, I think
they're going for some sort
384
00:16:24,263 --> 00:16:26,004
of Hamiltonvibe?
385
00:16:28,310 --> 00:16:29,964
You're too kind. We can all do it.
386
00:16:30,008 --> 00:16:30,965
We're vampires.
387
00:16:31,009 --> 00:16:33,185
You murdered Baron Afanas
388
00:16:33,228 --> 00:16:36,231
and were sentenced to death
by the Vampiric Council.
389
00:16:36,275 --> 00:16:38,886
- Mm.
- You escaped, witnesses say,
390
00:16:38,929 --> 00:16:42,107
with the help
of a Dilbert-looking guy.
391
00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:44,109
- What is that?
- Hey, dudes.
392
00:16:44,152 --> 00:16:46,285
We don't know how, but we don't like it.
393
00:16:46,328 --> 00:16:50,724
Tonight, he will join us
for the grand finale.
394
00:16:56,295 --> 00:16:58,253
Fuck me!
395
00:16:59,863 --> 00:17:01,474
And that's a reminder to all of us.
396
00:17:01,517 --> 00:17:03,302
- Don't murder vampires.
- We didn't!
397
00:17:03,345 --> 00:17:05,304
Don't do it.
All right, bring them
398
00:17:05,347 --> 00:17:07,132
- to the stage.
- What?
399
00:17:07,175 --> 00:17:09,090
No. Get your... don't touch me.
400
00:17:09,134 --> 00:17:11,310
- Hey! Get...
- Help!
401
00:17:11,353 --> 00:17:12,224
Who the hell do you think you are?
402
00:17:12,267 --> 00:17:14,313
Heck you looking at, Pamela?
403
00:17:14,356 --> 00:17:15,314
Glad you're filming this.
404
00:17:15,357 --> 00:17:16,706
We can show it next year.
405
00:17:22,930 --> 00:17:24,236
And while we wait
for the guillotine thing
406
00:17:24,279 --> 00:17:26,455
to be set up again,
407
00:17:26,499 --> 00:17:28,718
we just have a short
in memoriam video,
408
00:17:28,762 --> 00:17:32,113
remembering those vampires
we've lost over the year.
409
00:17:32,157 --> 00:17:33,158
You're hurting me!
410
00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:39,381
Oh, I didn't know he was gone.
411
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:41,035
I can get to my wallet.
It's in my big pocket.
412
00:17:41,079 --> 00:17:42,732
- No one misses him.
- If you unlock me,
413
00:17:42,776 --> 00:17:44,386
then I can get it.
414
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,432
Met her once.
415
00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:49,304
He died because he got confusedon daylight savings.
416
00:17:50,827 --> 00:17:53,395
Such a long video.
417
00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:55,528
A reminder to us all,
life is short.
418
00:17:57,182 --> 00:17:59,967
Ouch! My wrists! Very tight.
419
00:18:00,010 --> 00:18:02,970
This is not fair.
We didn't kill any vampires.
420
00:18:03,013 --> 00:18:03,971
Did we?!
421
00:18:04,014 --> 00:18:04,972
- No.
- No!
422
00:18:05,015 --> 00:18:07,105
- We all saw the reenactments.
- No.
423
00:18:07,148 --> 00:18:08,715
If you want to know who killed The Baron,
424
00:18:08,758 --> 00:18:11,065
we know who killed The Baron,
don't we, guys?
425
00:18:11,109 --> 00:18:12,458
- Yes. - Yes. - Yeah.
426
00:18:12,501 --> 00:18:16,201
- All right.
- The Baron was killed...
427
00:18:16,244 --> 00:18:18,290
by a chap named...
428
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:20,814
Guillermo!
429
00:18:20,857 --> 00:18:22,250
Unbelievable.
430
00:18:22,294 --> 00:18:23,860
Guillermo.
Anyone know Guillermo?
431
00:18:23,904 --> 00:18:25,427
Guillermo who?
432
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:26,733
Uh, we don't know
his second name.
433
00:18:26,776 --> 00:18:30,345
Uh, maybe...
G... Guillermo Buillermo?
434
00:18:30,389 --> 00:18:32,956
- Guillermo Buillermo?
- Well, we don't really know.
435
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,871
- Wil... Wilkinson?
- I can't tell
436
00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:36,046
if they're covering for me,
437
00:18:36,090 --> 00:18:37,918
or if they really don't know
my last name.
438
00:18:37,961 --> 00:18:40,138
He was my familiar,
and when I found out
439
00:18:40,181 --> 00:18:43,141
that my own familiar
was killing vampires
440
00:18:43,184 --> 00:18:46,056
all over the place, I was so angry with him.
441
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:48,146
- Mm.
- So angry, so...
442
00:18:48,189 --> 00:18:51,497
I killed him
with my... bare hands!
443
00:18:51,540 --> 00:18:53,151
You...
444
00:18:53,194 --> 00:18:55,762
You killed Gizmo?
Kind of harsh.
445
00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:57,720
And just for the record,
it had nothing
446
00:18:57,764 --> 00:19:00,549
to do with the fact that
he may have walked out on me
447
00:19:00,593 --> 00:19:02,116
after ten years.
448
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,726
You know,
when you care about someone,
449
00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:05,293
and they just walk out the door.
450
00:19:05,337 --> 00:19:07,295
"Oh, I've had enough of you."
451
00:19:07,339 --> 00:19:08,949
- Yes, killing vampires.
- Okay, you're getting into
452
00:19:08,992 --> 00:19:10,472
some of your personal issues now.
453
00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:13,388
So I ripped his head off,
and his arms and his legs.
454
00:19:13,432 --> 00:19:15,564
And I buried them all
in the ground,
455
00:19:15,608 --> 00:19:17,305
so everything is fine now.
456
00:19:17,349 --> 00:19:19,612
- Can we go home, please?
- Blaming the familiar.
457
00:19:19,655 --> 00:19:21,788
Yes, we've all done it.
458
00:19:21,831 --> 00:19:25,052
But what would that look like...
a familiar attack?
459
00:19:25,095 --> 00:19:27,272
Something like this?
460
00:19:33,103 --> 00:19:35,236
It's like a cartoon.
461
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,499
Guillermo is much smaller than this.
462
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:39,414
Again, over the top.
463
00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:42,287
It's cute.
464
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:43,810
Let him go!
465
00:19:47,335 --> 00:19:50,338
Ridiculous, as you can see,
from the simulation.
466
00:19:50,382 --> 00:19:53,080
This guy.
467
00:19:53,123 --> 00:19:55,300
Oh. My.
468
00:19:57,519 --> 00:20:01,523
No, it's too weird.
No, just... Go, go, get up.
469
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:04,657
I don't get it.
Is this still the show?
470
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:05,788
Sorry!
471
00:20:10,053 --> 00:20:11,577
He's killing vampires.
472
00:20:18,453 --> 00:20:20,455
Get off him! Shoo!
473
00:20:21,761 --> 00:20:23,458
Holy water!
474
00:20:31,118 --> 00:20:33,512
The balls of that little chap.
475
00:20:36,341 --> 00:20:38,908
Behind you!
476
00:20:38,952 --> 00:20:40,388
Get him, too!
477
00:20:50,093 --> 00:20:52,487
Guillermo?
478
00:20:52,531 --> 00:20:55,403
Is there something
you haven't been telling us?
479
00:20:59,494 --> 00:21:02,410
My name's Guillermo de la Cruz.
480
00:21:04,194 --> 00:21:06,501
- Oh.
- Don't care what the fuck your name is.
481
00:21:06,545 --> 00:21:08,547
We had to pick up
our own laundry!
482
00:21:49,849 --> 00:21:52,591
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
483
00:21:56,159 --> 00:21:58,510
They had come
highly recommended
484
00:21:58,553 --> 00:22:01,861
by a mutual vampire
associate of ours,
485
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:04,559
but nevertheless,
I found it prudent
486
00:22:04,603 --> 00:22:06,518
to run the traditional credit checks...
487
00:22:06,561 --> 00:22:08,433
...and reference protocols.
488
00:22:08,476 --> 00:22:11,871
Suffice it to say,
I am part of the 33%
489
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:15,962
who find it necessary to utilize
my complementary credit check
490
00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:17,572
every year.
34600
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