Original subtitles

Huh? Is that good or is that good? What do you think?

Well, why don't you put the whole thing in your mouth?

The whole thing?

Well, you can't just nibble at it.

You have to look like you're enjoying it.

Is that camera on? The camera is on.

You're on.

Okay? Oh, God! Okay.

Ooh! Isn't that delicious? Huh?

Just enjoy the heck out of it.

I can't smile. It's stuck in my teeth.

Ma'am, you can't grimace like that

because the crackers are flying out of your mouth.

That's not gonna work. Okay?

I gotta have something to drink.

Okay, take a drink and let me put some more Cheese Tease on the cracker

and now put it in the mouth.

Oh! Oh, man. Oh, I'm sorry.

I got some on your blouse. Don't worry about it.

Send me the bill. Send me the bill. What's in it?

The camera's running!

If I don't love it, I don't get to do the commercial, right?

That's right. I don't love it.

Well, then, thank you. Have a nice day.

Yeah, with this stuff eating a hole in my blouse?

Uh-huh.

In a few minutes, what we're gonna do here is,

we're gonna be making some commercials

and asking you to just come on up and try the product

and tell us what you honestly think of it.

We're not gonna put any words in your mouth.

Someone who might like to just come along,

try a little Cheese Tease and perhaps...

Oh, here's somebody right here. Valerie, why don't...

Hi! No? You don't care for any.

Okay. All right, thank you very much.

What we're really looking for is... Hiya! How are you?

Someone who might like to just come along, try a little Cheese Tease...

And here's someone right here.

Valerie, why don't we... Hi, what's your name?

Let me tell you right off. We don't like things in cans.

You buy soft drinks in cans.

Yeah, but this is cheese.

Oh, I see, because it's a dairy product.

The idea of a dairy product being in a can...

Exactly! Right. I mean, beer in a can...

Well, how about on a cracker?

Beans in a can...

Now, why don't we just have an open mind and an open mouth, huh?

Okay, try this. It's so delicious.

Give my daughter one, please.

What? This is your daughter? This is not your sister?

I can't believe it! Of course, one for your lovely daughter.

What do you think, honey? Is this delicious to you guys or what?

Now tell the truth! What do you think? Huh?

Huh? What we'd like you to do is look in the camera and say,

"Mmm, tastes like real cheddar cheese!"

You don't think it does?

You really don't? Uh-uh.

It doesn't? Well, what does it taste like?

Shit!

Watch yourself. Watch the cart. Watch the cart.

Oh, Concepcion, Concepcion, watch our things.

Watch where you're going.

I'm so sorry. You little monster!

Are you all right? I'm so sorry.

Jeff, oh, Jeff, don't you dare!

Step right over here. Pardon me.

Jeff!

Whoops, here we go. Huh?

Jeff, come here, darling.

One more! One more!

Which one has the real cheddar on it

and which one has the Cheese Tease?

More importantly, which one says,

"Take me home!"

I know you want me to be honest,

so I must confess they both taste like Clorets.

You see, when you shoved the crackers in my mouth,

I was chewing gum and they all got mixed up together.

Your car's all loaded, Mrs. Kramer.

Oh, here you are, Stu, thank you.

Here's a free can of Cheese Tease, uh...

Oh, well, thank you. Enjoy!

Thank you again. It's good on anything.

It has a shelf life of 12 years.

Okay, well, goodbye and thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Wonderful family.

My story, the story of Pat Kramer,

began on what seemed to be a perfectly normal day.

Mom, can we stay up till Dad comes home?

Maybe, we'll see later.

Mother, he's on my side... You promised!

I did not and don't you talk with your mouth full

and yell in my ear like that.

Skip laid another one.

Boy, it smells! Get your room deodorant.

It's not that bad. It's not that bad!

Pat, ought to try Camper Clean.

No more ring around the fender, honey.

Great new diet daiquiri mix at the store, hon.

Pat, you deserve a break today.

Pat, you gotta get some of this stuff for your lawn!

Ever see our boat look better?

Pat, it's Boat Sheen.

Hi, Pat. I got some Valium.

Hey, Pat, how about a weenie, huh?

There I was, safe and secure in the belief

that nothing unusual ever happens in Tasty Meadows.

Jeffrey Donald Kramer,

you pick every one of those up and I mean it!

Hi, Judith!

Pat! I was just this minute thinking of you.

Don't let him in! He's not clean!

Don't let him in!

Get ready for the sale.

Ding dong! Flow Naturalle calling.

Judith, come on in.

Hey, Mom, look!

Jeff, give me those.

Do A Little Bar of Soap for the guys.

I certainly will not and oranges are for eating.

You know what?

I know someday I'm gonna find out you're adopted!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Pat, it's all that sex and violence on TV.

Give me that gun right now. Give it here!

Jeff, give me that gun. Give me that gun.

Let's go, come on, let's go. Let's go, all of you. Let's go!

And no allowance till Skip gets his bath.

Oh, Judith! Here, I'll do that. How about some coffee?

No, thank you, Pat. I know how busy you are.

But I am so excited.

You know that new product line I'm going to sell...

I'm so sorry, Judith.

One of Jeff's toys.

Well, boys will be boys! Especially in this household.

Presenting Flow Naturalle.

Go ahead.

Now, they have Flow Naturalle hairspray,

Fountain of Truth beauty cream

and this is so light and fluffy on the face.

No Fooling cleanser.

I just love that tune.

It is nice.

No Sweat deodorant.

What a name!

And, Pat, for the total woman,

they have developed

a new feminine hygiene spray called Breathe Easy!

Now, isn't that a comfort?

This product not only does the job,

but it's also good for you.

I have heard that a certain national leading brand,

which shall remain nameless, actually kills cockroaches.

Judith, no! Disgusting.

Beth says we need a pan of water and the hose won't work.

Concepcion, Concepcion.

Hey, it's working!

Stop it! Stop it!

Well, I'll just leave this questionnaire

and your complimentary free samples.

Judith, I, honestly, I don't think I have room

to store one more thing in this kitchen.

Well, then, Pat, this is even more of a godsend than I thought.

Watch this.

It's called.

Tray Naturalle.

Talk about clever.

Thanks, Judith.

Well, it's been a pleasure serving you.

Bong bing, Flow Naturalle leaving.

Concepcion, we gotta get all this stuff put away.

Oh, Jeff!

I'm ignoring you, Jeff, but if you don't go eat your supper,

I'm gonna have to tell your dad.

♫ Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese

♫ The cheese that wants to please... ♫

Honey, honey, I'm coming.

Sweetheart! Hi, honey.

Hi, Skip.

Could be the agency's biggest account.

I made a one hour presentation.

They gave me a standing ovation.

Honey, did they?

Well, one guy said, "Nice job, Vance!"

Kids in bed? Are you kidding?

They are dying to see you.

That's all they have talked about.

Look who's here.

My children!

Hi. Hi.

Guess the presents can wait.

Dad!

Hello, kids. Have you been good kids while Daddy's been away?

Aren't those darling?

Airport presents.

You have a wonderful father.

Honey, what do you think of this name for a new candy we're developing?

Exploded Comet.

Oh, I think it sounds fine. I like it.

Get us some. Please, Mom!

Okay, but one piece each and that's it.

And this is for you.

Have you been a good girl while Daddy's been away?

Airport presents?

No, it's way past your bedtime.

Look, Ma, disco! Oh, yeah, come on.

Disco right into the bed. We want to hear Little Bar of Soap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Please! Please!

No, darlings, not tonight. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Get in the bed, I'll do it! I'll do it!

♫ Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap

♫ Bar of soap

♫ Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap.

Don't throw.

♫ I'd go slippy, slappy, slidy

♫ Over everybody's hiney

♫ Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap

♫ Bar of soap ♫

Lay down, lay down. Get in the bed. Let's go. Come on, under the covers.

Ma, I'm cool.

Oh, I know. You just like to see your old mother

make a fool of herself, don't you?

Good gum.

Mom, can I have my space gun back?

Tomorrow. Go to sleep.

Mom? What?

I love you.

Me, too.

Me, too. I love you, too.

Welcome home.

Did you miss me?

Mmm. Mmm.

Came straight from the factory. Smell this.

Oh, honey. Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, no, it's nothing.

It's my fault, sweetheart.

I'm just gonna take it off and rinse it out before it stains.

Thank heaven for polyester.

Try this new detergent.

The fumes from this perfume sting my eyes.

Really?

But it smells good.

If these new accounts work out, I could get a raise.

Or the partnership!

Which name do you prefer for the new perfume?

Hypnotique?

Honey, too old-fashioned.

How about Arise?

Hmm, it kind of sounds like a breakfast food to me.

Breakfast food.

Vance, oh, I know what to call it!

Sexpot!

Oh, I love it. I love it!

It could come in a little pot and be solid,

so it wouldn't spill.

You're not supposed to be out of bed.

Neither are you!

Are they doing it yet?

Oh, no, no, no, not if it's the perfume and not me.

No, no, it's you and the perfume and the night and the music.

You know, Sexpot...

Sexpot.

Hmm. Makes you think of sex and dope.

I think it says it all.

It may say too much.

I think Sexpot is a direct, honest, hardcore,

approach to selling perfume.

Your wife is on the phone. She says it's important.

Vance, uh, honey, that blouse I had last night,

you didn't take it to the cleaners this morning or anything, did you?

What, honey?

The one I rinsed out, it's...

Vance, it's like it disappeared right off the towel. I...

Pat, we're right in the middle of deciding on Sexpot.

Can I call you later with this?

Wait, Vance.

My fingernails, they seem like they're shorter to me today

than they were yesterday.

Sweetheart, please, let me call you later.

I'm so sorry I called. Listen, I'll see you tonight?

Yeah, bye. I love you, darling. Bye.

Oh, I'm sorry...

It's all right. Meeting's over.

How's Pam?

Pat? She's fine. Oh, Pat, Pat, oh.

Sexpot, huh? Yeah.

Sexpot.

I like it.

I like it.

It's big.

It's big. Big!

Thank you, thank you. I hoped you'd like it.

You're thinking big.

Speaking of,

this office big enough for you?

Well, it's...

Why, what were you... What are you... What?

Let's see what you do with this.

Big, new glue account.

That night, Vance brought me flowers.

He was in such a festive mood

and it was my turn to hostess our monthly block meeting,

so, I decided not to mention my fingernails or the blouse incident again.

Besides, we became involved in a new incident.

And I am so happy to announce that we have enough money

in the neighborhood kitty at last, to plant a new shrub.

And that reminds me, Mrs. Wickes.

I do believe there were several times last month

that you neglected to clean up after your dog.

Just one rainy day!

You know, it grieves me to see a grown woman cheapen herself

by lying in front of her neighbors.

I have it right here in my record book.

I found the offensive evidence first on August 15th, about 8:00 p.m.

and then again on August...

Honey. Hi. Hi, everybody.

You brought me some flowers. Thank you, darling.

Pauline, was that a double? Yeah, thanks, honey.

...April 15th at 8:00 p.m. and again on April 22nd

and then again on April 30th.

Oh, Vance, it looks like the old body could use a little bit of tone.

This body? You should try running.

It's okay. It's okay, Greg.

♫ You broke a vase

♫ Don't wait for days

♫ Here's what to do ♫

Good as new!

What is the name, Galaxy Glue? How does that sound?

I think it sounds good.

I'd buy it.

Not bad.

What does it mean, honey? What does it mean?

Concepcion, your carpool is here.

Mother, where are my blue leotards?

In the dryer. Come on. Come on.

Let's see, they must be done. Look in the dryer here.

I want to wear them to school tomorrow.

Okay. Okay.

Wait, honey, my hand is stuck.

Oh, liquid glue!

Wait a second.

Hey, wait, now, hold everything.

Let me give it a karate chop, Mom.

Don't do anything rough!

Don't. You just pull... Wait, let me... Now hold it.

No, please. Now keep Skip out of here.

No whining.

Concepcion, no, don't worry about it.

Help me!

Concepcion...

This stuff really works, huh, hon?

Okay, take it easy. Concepcion!

Concepcion, take it easy!

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ What would we do without Galaxy Glue

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ Life would go to pieces without Galaxy Glue ♫

Good morning, darling. Hi, hon.

Look, there's Dad's commercial.

Yes. Oh, and I just love it. I've used it for years.

Honey, we're so proud of you. Thanks.

She's gonna say, "I don't believe it" now.

I don't believe it!

See, I told you.

It is good. Coffee?

Hello, little green man.

Hello, monster face.

Oh, honey.

Are you dieting again, honey?

Honey, I'm so sorry. Isn't that silly?

Look, it's okay. I'm late. I'm okay, anyway.

I'll talk to you later. Bye, honey.

Vance, our lips used to meet.

Perfectly normal, 5'5".

5'5 "? But I'm 5'7".

No, you're 5'5". These scales don't lie.

But I've been 5'7" ever since I was 19.

That says 5'7", doesn't it?

Hi, Judith.

Vance, I'm getting smaller every day.

We'll see Dr. Atkins again tomorrow.

Honey, I'm sure there must be some logical explanation.

I'm sure there must.

It'll be okay.

♫ Galaxy Glue ♫

Look, honey, there's your commercial.

Galaxy Glue, sticks by you.

I needed two full sets of pictures

spaced several days apart to compare, before I could be sure.

I don't profess to understand it, Pat.

There's no medical precedent

for what appears to be happening to you.

I just know you're getting smaller.

These X-rays prove it beyond any doubt.

Now I'm sending you to the Kleinman Institute

for the Study of Unexplained Phenomena.

If there is any explanation for this at all,

they're the ones who'll find it.

Then began a series of grueling intensive tests.

I was pinched, poked, prodded.

I was examined by specialists I never even knew existed.

They gave me radioactive iodine tests,

scanning electron microscopic tests...

The target tissues have somehow reverted to multi-potentiality

causing an apparent cascade effect on the pituitary.

More importantly,

there seems to be a complete lack of somatropin.

We need more tests.

Brain tests, bone tests, blood tests,

bioneurothermal tests, ultrasonic tests, chromatography tests...

And there are hormonal problems as well as a glandular one,

reversal of the self-action factor, a double helix inconsistency

and erratic behavior...

Elasticity tests,

enzyme tests, endocrine tests,

chromosome tests, cellular tests,

metabolic tests.

Tests, tests and more tests!

We've got it.

Are you anemic?

After all those tests, you don't know if she's anemic?

Sweetheart, please, please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Have you had a recent flu shot?

I did have a flu shot about two months ago.

Do you drink tap water?

Of course I drink tap water.

What are you trying to say to me, Doctor? Please tell me what you mean.

What I mean?

What I am saying, Mrs. Kramer,

is that you are shrinking

from a combination of the tap water,

the flu shot, the perfume, the glue,

the solvent, your bubble bath,

talcum powder, shampoo, hair conditioner, setting lotion, hand lotion,

mouthwash, hairspray, breath spray,

feminine hygiene spray, deodorant, toothpaste, detergent, eye drops,

nose drops, hair coloring, diet soda, birth control pills and smog.

Set off by an imbalance already present in your system.

Oh, God!

No need to be upset, Mrs. Kramer.

We helped name half those products.

And now that we know what's caused it,

we can work towards finding an antidote.

Go home, let us do the worrying.

Honey, maybe we should be proud.

I mean, it seems like you've got a wife

who's found a way to reverse the whole order of the universe.

They'll find an antidote, Pat. You just have to wait.

Wait?

I can't wait much longer. I'm shrinking every day.

You just have to try to be calm, honey.

You stay calm!

Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's all right. It's all right.

I want you to start thinking about us and our marriage, Vance.

Honey, you've got to.

I mean, this has been such a strain on both of us.

Honey, as long as you have on this...

This ring,

nothing's changed between us.

Let's go home.

As the weeks passed,

I wondered if they ever did find the antidote,

would they still be able to find me?

We're hoppin' mad, Dan!

As well you might be, Vance,

but we wouldn't wanna let your anger spill over

on three of our biggest clients, now, would we?

Think of the dent it could put in their profits.

Do you know that products could be banned from this?

Heads would roll, Vance. Heads would roll.

What about the public?

I mean, couldn't the label at least say,

"Caution! This product might be hazardous to your...

"To your size?"

We wait for the antidote and then I, personally, will conduct

a no-holds-barred investigation.

We'll publish all the facts. How Pat was brought back to normal

by a miracle of modern chemistry.

What do you say, team?

To the antidote.

To the antidote.

To the antidote.

I was attracting more and more attention each day.

The smaller I got, the bigger my name.

The top news story of the day

continues to be the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

Perhaps the petite Pat Kramer is a metaphor for the modern woman.

It is no secret that the role of the modern housewife

has become increasingly less significant.

Reluctantly, I allowed Judith to talk me into leaving the house

and it resulted in what will forever be known to us all

as "The Supermarket Incident."

Judith, I don't think this is such a good idea.

Not to mention my legs have fallen asleep.

I understand, Pat, but you just bear with me.

This is chemical warfare

and I wanna show you what we're up against.

Look at this. We have Mike's Macho Meal.

Let's see here.

"Fortified food flavoring ego boosters,

"synthetic spermatozoa, testosterone, inert sugar syrup,

"tumescent tissue of bull scrotum..."

Here we have Cousin Bud's Speedy Spuds.

Well, this has everything but the kitchen sink.

Judith, I don't think this is working.

Please, get me out of here.

Just ignore them, Pat.

Of all the rudeness.

Don't you all have something you wanna shop for?

A little poison, maybe?

Just get me out of here.

Mr. Bell.

Excuse me, madam,

but I'm going to have to take a look in that bag.

There is nothing in this sack that is of any concern to you.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Kramer.

Okay, it's a go.

I knew I was being stared at,

but I didn't know I was being spied on.

And in my own shopping mall.

It was becoming more and more difficult to lead a normal life.

I'm down here, darling.

Vance did what he could to help.

Everyone did.

And the kids tried to understand.

Okay, here I come. I'm gonna tuck you in, ready or not.

Good night, Concepcion.

Good, you're already tucked in.

Mom, do A Little Bar of Soap.

Oh, honey, not tonight.

Are you gonna just keep...

Just keep shrinking away to nothing?

Hey, Ma, if mothers shrink,

does that mean their kids will shrink, too?

Oh, no, honey, no.

What happened to me is just some kind of freak accident.

It's not gonna happen to either one of you, I promise.

Hey, Ma, I could drive the car for you.

You could, you sure could.

Mother, would you say this is the worst thing that ever happened to us?

Oh, no, honey, lots of things worse can happen.

Yeah? Like what?

Well...

Look, I'll think of something and we'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?

Night-night.

Concepcion, do A Little Bar of Soap.

Yes, yes! Do it!

I was rapidly becoming famous,

and so was Tasty Meadows.

Ah, yes, but we were her first friends in the neighborhood.

I believe it was I who first introduced you to Pat.

Yeah, well, we took 'em to their first EST seminar.

Yeah, well, she's been like a sister to me.

We're this close.

She's been like a mother to me.

Did she begin to shrink because no one noticed?

Did she begin to shrink because no one cared?

Did she begin to shrink because her role as homemaker was belittling?

When she looked at herself...

Pat, you are a celebrity.

Ooh, let's face it, Judith, I'm a freak.

Well, that's true,

but you are also a celebrity.

...why is Pat Kramer shrinking?

Oh, Concepcion!

I wish you'd let me help you.

Now, Judith, you know I am absolutely determined to do this myself.

Mom! You're on TV again!

Oh, brother.

The question in all our minds is,

"Why is Pat Kramer shrinking?"

Vance, please, honey.

Pat, ignore that.

I believe what has happened is a blessing in disguise.

A warning to us all.

You should see yourself as a kind of divine sacrificial goat.

Thanks to you, we're all on our toes.

I know I'm much wiser now than I was.

Yeah, me, too. Wiser,

and smaller.

No matter how you slice it,

it doesn't look good for the little lady from Tasty Meadows.

At the Kleinman Institute, no one seems to have much hope...

You made all three networks.

...that is, except Pat Kramer, herself, as small as she is.

She has great hope and determination.

Hundreds of tourists pass the Kramer household each day.

And thousands of letters and phone calls

have been pouring into the station...

I've got it, Pat.

You've got to go on national TV and tell all!

You owe it to your public.

Oh, Judith, I don't know. I...

Oh, honey. I guess we eat out again.

Name and voice code.

Tom Keller, 234-ZXE.

Representing?

Representing Genetic Engineering Affiliated,

International Dynamic Chemicals Corporation,

Experimental Science, Omni National Research.

Verified.

Had I known then all that I know now,

I might not have appeared on national TV,

but all we knew that December

was that Vance and I wanted to do what was right.

Vance. No business like show business.

Boy, when I think about all the people

who are gonna see this, goose bumps.

She's gonna be positive, isn't she?

Oh, excuse me.

She's gonna talk about the antidote.

She's not gonna mention the clients' products?

Well, Pat feels the public should be warned, Dan.

I mean, it is a question of integrity.

Vance, let's go over here for just a minute.

♫ Blow me a kiss

♫ From across the room

♫ Say I look fine when I'm not

♫ Touch my hand

♫ As you pass my chair

♫ Little things mean a lot ♫

Look, I know her being 36 inches tall is a difficult dilemma.

She's not 36 inches anymore.

You mean she's shrunk since the last time I saw her?

I mean, she's shrunk since the last time I saw her.

I almost sat on her last night.

I'm afraid I'm losing my sanity.

We have to help her up the front steps.

She showers in the sink.

The other day she was holding a piece of toast.

I thought it was her purse. And our sex life, don't ask.

I wasn't going to.

I come home, I don't know what I might find.

One day, I'm afraid I might come home,

I won't even be able to find her.

Do you know what I think, Vance?

I think you've got a real bad case of self-pityitis.

Dan, what if these products are dangerous?

Dangerous? I'll tell you what's dangerous!

If your wife goes out there

and creates a crisis in confidence in American consumerism,

that's dangerous!

Now, maybe some of our products do attack a few blood cells,

but you're talking about a television show

where millions of people, millions of people are tuning in.

Now, do you wanna look in there and tell them

they can't trust American products?

Do you know what they want?

They want hope.

Hope!

And you wanna give them what they want, don't you, Vance?

Hmm?

Don't you?

♫ Little things

♫ Mean a lot ♫

Thank you.

I sang that song in honor of a very special,

very brave and a very remarkable woman.

You all have come to know her as the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Pat Kramer.

Happy holidays, Mike.

May I help you, Pat? Mike, thank you,

but I don't wanna be treated any differently than anybody else.

Is she great, folks?

Is that package for me, Pat?

Unfortunately, Mike, it's for me.

You know, I've been told that the first official.

Pat Kramer Fan Club is in our audience tonight.

Everyone loves you, Pat.

I hope you'll take courage from that.

I do, Mike, I really do.

But let's face it, it's not making me any taller.

Has it all been a nightmare

or has anything good come from this extraordinary experience?

Well, Mike, I'll tell you, um,

it has mostly been a nightmare,

but some good things have happened,

like getting to come on your show here.

I mean, nobody cared what I had to say when I was my normal height.

For instance... Excuse me, Pat.

We'll be right back after these messages.

♫ Galaxy Glue Galaxy Glue.

I used Galaxy Glue when I was in the Peace Corps

and that's why we have so many friends and good allies.

Galaxy Glue? Hey, I'm stuck on it.

Everything is under control.

♫ Galaxy Glue It's for you ♫

You know, everyone has one question in mind

and I have that same question in my mind right now.

Why are you shrinking?

It hasn't been determined yet, Mike.

Right on.

Pat, after talking about your case with you,

I must admit that I'm more baffled now than I was before.

I believe that you all know.

Dr. Eugene Nortz.

No, I don't think I...

May I present my colleague, Ruth Ruth.

What you are about to hear, gentlemen,

Sandra,

will deliver us to the threshold of a new era of civilization.

We, the Organization for World Management

can be the trail blazers of tomorrow

and be assured our place as the power elite forever!

What Einstein did for time and space,

I, Nortz, will do for shape and size!

My studies show that a serum could be developed

from the blood of... What's her name?

Pam? Pat. Pat Kramer.

Yes.

A shrink serum, which can be used

to reduce individuals or entire nations.

And using a process, not unlike water fluoridation.

A few drops in a country's water system

would be most effective for shrinking masses of people.

Except, of course, for a few of us.

Shrink the world. Hey, I like it.

All we need is the Kramer woman in our hands.

Well...

I feel I would need assurances, you know,

that no harm was gonna come to that little lady,

or, well, you'd have to count me out.

Not so fast, Dan.

We can't count you out. You know too much.

Oh, I may know too much,

but I think fortunately, you know, for all of us here...

See, I don't really understand everything it is that I know.

Now that's what really counts, isn't it?

I need her blood!

You have our word, no harm will come to the Kramer woman.

Now, do you have some ideas about how we should approach her?

Oh, I've got ideas. Old Dan has got a Plan A, sure.

Is there something you'd like to say to America?

I want to thank everybody first, so much

for all the cards and the letters you've sent.

All the, all the good wishes,

because Vance and the children and I...

It's meant so much to us.

Right now I think we're sort of existing on prayers and hope.

So I want to thank you very much, America.

And happy holidays.

Christmas came and went.

And so did Skip.

To my family I'd become a doll and to our dog, a chew stick.

While Concepcion had her hands full

with the kids and the curiosity seekers,

I, reluctantly, moved into the dollhouse

and tried to contribute to the mounting doctor bills

by working on my memoirs.

The strange, almost stranger-than-strange,

unbelievable story of Pat Kramer

is one that must be told.

I know, because unfortunately, I am Pat Kramer.

The strange, almost stranger than strange...

Hey, Ma!

I'm busy, Jeff!

Mom, it's an emergency.

Honey, what is it?

Jeff! Jeff, honey, what is it? Honey!

Say "Cheese." Make believe there's a birdie there. Pose!

Oh, Jeff, go to your room. Right now!

And the rest of you, off the furniture!

And what are you grinning at, you big creep?

Oh, now, I am really mad!

And I'm taking mother to school for Show and Tell.

You are not! She's going with me!

She's going to do Little Bar of Soap and that's final!

Okay, I am mad now. I want everybody out of here right now!

Billy Beasley, stop that!

I'm gonna count to 10. I want this stopped right now!

One, two, three... Oh!

Listen... And you...

Come on... Oh!

Billy Beasley, oh, wait, you wouldn't dare!

Don't you dare, that's my mother!

Wait a sec... Wait a second!

Hi. I'm Robbie the Robot.

Let's blast off together!

Meet me at the space station!

Hi, I'm Ricky the Rabbit.

I like to play the drums.

Hi, I'm Betsy Wetsy.

Pat! Great news, honey!

I brought Dan home.

And the president of Paxton Toys.

Great little kidder.

Pat?

So when all the fan mail came in from your TV appearance,

we got a big idea. Right, Vance?

Yeah, well, you and Tom did really, actually.

More champagne, Pat?

Vance, look what you did!

Oh, I'm sorry, hon.

You're such a good sport and you've got such a cute personality.

It hit me, you could make millions advertising products.

Tom here wants to make a doll out of you.

The Pam... Uh-uh. Pat Kramer doll.

I have arranged for my private plane

to fly you to our main design center.

We want to start immediately.

More champagne?

You did it again! Look, he did it again!

What do you say?

You get your little things together and we can leave right away. Tonight!

Oh, uh, I think tonight is a little soon,

maybe tomorrow would be more appropriate.

Honey, I don't wanna go tomorrow or any other day.

She didn't mean what she just said. Really, you know?

I certainly hope not, Vance.

She's gonna be a big star.

You better talk to, uh... Tom!

Concepcion'll do that tomorrow, don't bother.

That's okay.

You think I should take the offer, don't you?

What I think

is that this could be the first good thing to come out of all this.

I mean, there are all these bills. We could use the money.

That's all we've talked about all night long is money.

I wish you'd just think about it.

I have. I have thought about it.

I just know I'm not interested.

Well, then I guess you're not interested in this, either.

Good night, Pat.

Well, it looks like we switch to Plan B.

Don't worry, Tom. Old Dan's in charge.

Oh, Vance.

Sorry, Stan.

Move over, you big lug.

The next morning I awoke to find I was shrinking again.

Outside our house, the crowds were growing.

Our neighbors were becoming as world-famous as I was.

Being in the spotlight was changing everyone.

Even Concepcion.

Concepcion!

Don't worry about the bacon, Pat, I'm late already.

What do you want me to tell Dan?

I don't know, Vance.

I knew you wouldn't do it.

Vance, I tried to accept the idea, I really did.

I just don't want to become another product!

I'm sick of products! I'm sick of advertising!

You're talking about my work!

You're talking about our plans!

How do you think we bought that radio?

How do you think we pay for this house?

I happen to be living in a dollhouse,

in case you haven't noticed lately!

Concepcion, do something! Stop this! Beth...

Concepcion, do something!

Turn off the radio!

I'm gonna lose my mind, somebody do something!

Concepcion! Stop this smoking!

I'm sorry, my wife is not interested at this time.

She's... Yeah, she's been through a lot.

Oh, well, please call us if your wife changes her mind.

Maybe some other time. Thank you, thank you anyway.

Plan C.

I love you, Pat.

I'm sorry, I just don't see

how selling a cute little doll could hurt anything.

A cute little doll?

Vance, do you think we need another cute little doll in the world?

I mean, really? Do you think we need another glue or a perfume

or a detergent that eats away dirt along with your life?

I mean, you tell me!

Come on, kids.

Pat, when you're ready to come down off that soap box, give me a call.

- Bye, Mom. - Goodbye, Mom.

Honey, wait. Vance? Honey, wait! Wait!

Don't leave, Vance, I love you.

Wait a second! Wait a second. Vance?

Wait, don't...

Kids, wait a second, I need you... I love you all.

Please! Vance!

Concepcion!

Concepcion!

Concepcion!

Stop! Stop!

Concepcion, please!

Concepcion, don't do anything!

Got some flowers here for a Pat Kramer.

Who are you?

No speak English.

No English.

Concepcion. Concepcion.

In the most bizarre and tragic turn in an already tragic story.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman, Pat Kramer,

has been lost in a fatal household accident.

...that the whole nation joined in mourning

the untimely passing of Pat Kramer.

...that the hopes for the Incredible Shrinking Woman

are down the drain.

Funeral at 11:00.

Beloved friends and neighbors,

we are gathered here today to bid goodbye

to a beautiful and courageous woman

who gave so very much and got so little.

No one will ever fill your shoes.

Help me! Somebody, help me.

Where am I? What am I doing in here?

Somebody let me out of here! Help me, please!

Can't you hear me? Please help me!

Listen, there's been a mistake! Somebody, there's been a big mistake!

Oh, Dr. Ruth.

Dr. Ruth, thank heavens. Please, help me.

Is something wrong...

Is something wrong with the monitors?

I haven't caught him yet, but I think Sidney plays with the wires.

Please, somebody, tell me where I am.

Can he reach over there?

I don't know. But then I don't know how he does half the things he does.

Like, how'd he learn sign language in three weeks?

How come he can beat the computer at chess?

You know, he's downright abnormal if you ask me.

No offense, Sidney.

Please tell me where I am!

If you're not quiet, Mrs. Kramer,

we're going to have to sedate you again.

Sidney's got another one of his headaches.

If you ask me, he's addicted to pain pills.

Well, he's been under a lot of strain, you know.

Cage is a mess. Clean up all those banana peels!

See, he's saying, "Sidney in pain. Sidney head hurt."

Oh, poor Sidney.

If you ask me, he's faking it.

I'm sorry now we did teach him sign language.

All he ever does is complain.

Now what's he trying to say?

Sidney in pain.

Sidney heart hurt.

Why should his heart hurt?

It's my guess he feels sorry for her.

Thousands and thousands of dollars...

...and all we've got to show for it is a sentimental gorilla.

Is this monitor working?

Testing. One, two, three, four.

Real cute, Sidney. Real cute.

Dr. Nortz?

Dr. Nortz?

What kind of timeframe are we dealing with?

The answer's already in her blood.

We'd simply have to get the answer before she disappears.

Maybe we should kick this around a little more.

Too late now.

I knew I'd found a friend.

There was something I felt from this big, sweet gorilla

that can best be described as human kindness.

There had to be a way we could help each other.

Sidney, keys! There must be keys!

If you could get the keys

and unlock your cage. The keys.

Yes, you know, you know, the keys!

Hey, how you doing, guys?

Here's looking at you.

♫ And all the monkey's aren't in the zoo

♫ Every day you meet quite a few

♫ So, you see, it's all up to you

♫ You could be swinging on a star ♫

Sidney! Hey!

What a mess.

More banana peels.

Oh, please, won't you help me?

You look so much kinder than the others.

Look, I only work here, lady.

Don't you know who I am?

I'm the Shrinking Woman. I'm Pat Kramer.

Oh, they told me you'd say that.

You're Pat Kramer's clone. The real Pat Kramer's dead.

Dead?

Deader than a doornail.

Dr. Nortz made a clone of her

right before she bit the dust.

No, no, I'm not a clone. I'm not.

You've got to believe me. Dr. Nortz is a liar!

He took an oath when he became a doctor.

He's supposed... Listen,

Dr. Nortz is a wonderful man.

They're all wonderful here.

This is a place where great work is going on

that will help all humanity.

They told me so.

Hey, Sidney, give me back those keys.

This is a horrible, horrible place

where people are used like guinea pigs,

even Sidney.

You've got to help me. Call my husband, please?

Oh, please, he must be worried sick.

Look,

I make it a point not to get involved with clones.

'Night, Sidney.

Sidney, quick, the folder.

That folder.

Yes, yes.

Put it right up here.

Oh! Thank you.

Oh! Thank you, Sidney.

I read all through the night.

The horror in my heart mounting with each page

as I learned of their diabolical plan.

These people were so big, the only way they could become bigger

was by making all of us smaller.

What little blood I had left began to boil.

No! No, Sidney, you don't know what they're trying to do to us.

You just can't imagine.

I couldn't stand by and just let this happen.

But what could I, the smallest person on the face of the earth

do to help anyone?

We gotta do something, Sidney.

Help, Sidney!

Thank you, Sidney.

Hey?

Hey, what's going on here?

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

This is against regulations.

You could get us all in a lot of trouble.

We're already in a lot of trouble.

Dr. Nortz is planning to use me to shrink the world.

I know you don't believe me, but look in my folder.

Go ahead, look, read page 10. The pink page.

Look, read it, you'll see!

Shrink the world?

Sidney, too?

All kinds of people, everybody.

Oh, please,

if you care about Sidney.

If you care about anything.

Please let me call my husband. Please.

They really are planning to shrink the world!

Vance! Vance, there's someone on your private line.

She says she's your wife.

I gotta stop these crank calls.

Sorry, Dan.

Vance, Vance! It's me! I'm alive! I'm alive!

Pat, my God, where are you?

Pat, my God! Pat, where are you?

Vance, listen, I don't have much time.

I've been kidnapped by the Organization for World Management.

They wanna use me to shrink the world.

Pat, my God! Where are you?

Oh, Rob, quick, where am I, Rob? Where am I?

Oh, um...

Vance! Vance! Pat! Pat!

Vance! Vance!

Operator? Operator?

I'm so sorry,

but you have been disconnected from the party to whom you were speaking.

And you better lay off the buttons, buster!

Hello?

Rob, save yourself! Save yourself!

Go on, save yourself!

Look, maybe I... No, they'd find me.

All right, okay, look, I'll be back, I'll be back. I swear.

No. Don't... You leave him alone! Don't you hurt him!

Oh, you're in big trouble, little lady.

I demand to know what you did with Rob.

You're in no position to demand anything.

Have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately?

Now, hold still.

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

I need some more blood to work with.

- Don't touch me! - Don't touch me!

Hold still. Hold.

No! No!

This news bulletin just in.

A new development in the increasingly mysterious Pat Kramer case.

My wife is alive.

She phoned me, she's been kidnapped.

I called the police and they didn't believe me.

She's being held by a group that call themselves

the Organization for World Management or something.

I see. You don't believe me, either.

My wife is alive. My wife is alive!

I'm sorry. No, no, Mr. Kramer.

I was so small by afternoon

that I could slip through the bars of my cage.

So they found another prison for me.

Rob, I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!

We thought you were dead!

They couldn't catch me.

I know this place like the back of my hand.

Here, Sidney.

Catch, Sidney.

You know, it's our station's policy

to always try to present both sides of every issue.

To answer Mr. Kramer's charges,

Mr. Logan Carver.

Thank you.

As a representative of the Organization for World Management,

I can only say, Jacki, that of course there's no connection

between the deceased Kramer woman and our company.

And that shocking phone call

can only be interpreted as a heinous, sadistic crank call or

the understandably confused imagination of a bereaved husband.

Lift. Lift.

Hurry. Hurry!

Lift. Lift.

It's too risky keeping her alive.

The gorilla,

he could talk.

Mmm.

They're escaping.

And so are we.

Oh, look out! Wait, Rob.

Rob, get the pink page. Wait, Sidney. Wait!

Oh, thank you, Sidney.

Come on, Sidney.

Let go of me!

There he is!

Which way did they go?

This way, men, come on.

Fire!

Up, Sidney. Up.

The street is up. Press the up bottom.

Good boy, yes.

They're in car number two.

They're headed for the street.

Cut the power in car number two.

We're almost to the top.

We're almost there, Sidney, we're almost there.

We're trapped. We're trapped, Sidney.

Sidney, the escape hatch!

In the ceiling. The escape hatch.

Open the escape hatch.

Open it, Sidney!

Oh, Sidney!

There he is! Up there!

He's on the rope.

Freeze!

Sidney!

Sidney, jump, jump. Now!

Come on!

Come on. Jump!

Don't let them get away. After them!

Oh, Sidney!

We're okay. We're safe. It's my shopping center.

Now, I'm not a professional actress.

I am a real person, like yourself.

And I'm not here to sell you a product,

but to give you some good consumer advice.

What are you, some kind of a nut?

Arrest me!

You haven't done anything!

Be careful.

Everyone, please. Everyone.

Listen to me.

It's me. I'm Pat Kramer!

Everyone! Everyone, listen to me.

I'm the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

That's Pat Kramer, my neighbor.

Someone call her husband.

She's alive. I knew she was alive.

Yes. Yes, it's me. We escaped.

It's me. We made it. Everyone, please, listen to me.

Uh...

Listen, I'm shrinking fast. I don't have much time.

A minute ago,

I thought I... I felt it was my duty to warn you

that what happened to me could happen to you,

but, now, I feel different.

You don't need me to tell you what's wrong with the world.

Oh, I wish Vance was here.

Now, Rob... Rob, you take care of page 10.

Make sure it gets in the right hands.

And, Sidney, you take care of Rob.

I feel just like I'm becoming part of everything,

and everyone.

Here I go. Goodbye.

Excuse me.

Oh, Vance, I never thought I'd see you again.

Vance, Jeff, I'm not afraid. Don't you be.

I love you.

♫ I wish I was a little bar of soap

♫ I wish I was a little bar of soap ♫

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Lyle Parks and the entire KXRZ news team,

coming to you live from Tasty Meadows, California.

For the last eight hours,

top level network officials and statesmen have met behind closed doors

to join together in finding a way to demonstrate the worldwide mourning

occasioned by the almost unbelievable death of Mrs. Pat Kramer.

And so, at midnight tonight, the world will be united

as bells all over the world ring out in her memory.

This remarkable event will be broadcast via satellite.

A fitting tribute to an extraordinary little woman

whose life was not lived in vain.

Biggest rating in TV history.

Shove it, Dan.

...meaningless or insignificant we may think we are,

even the smallest of us can make a difference.

I'm here tonight, standing amongst her noble and very caring neighbors.

People you've come to know almost as well as Pat herself.

The tiny woman who did

what all the big powerful political leaders of our time

have tried to do so often and failed.

She brought the world together, if only for a moment.

We thank you, Pat. It's midnight.

...and historical Big Ben,

while the majestic bells of St. Paul's Cathedral

toll the passing of Patricia Kramer.

The American lady who has captured the hearts and the respect

of the British nation...

Remarkable event will be broadcast via satellite,

a fitting tribute to the extraordinary little woman

whose life was not lived in vain.

Pat Kramer should remind us all that

no matter how small,

meaningless or insignificant we may think we are,

even the smallest of us can make a difference.

We give you the remarkable last moments of Pat Kramer,

just before she blew away.

This lady says she belongs here.

Oh, Mom! Pam!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Pat! What happened?

I fell in a puddle. I swallowed half of it...

Honey, I don't know!

Oh, Mommy!

Oh, oh, she's back! Pat, Pat, everybody!

Everybody, Pat! Come here, come here.

Everyone, look! Look!

She's back!

Everybody! Everybody, she's back!

Look at her!

She's back! She's back!

She's back!

She's back!

She's back!

Arrest this man.

But you haven't done anything. Trust me.

It's good to have you back, Pat.

Mother, come look!

Oh, Sidney! Oh, Sidney!

Can we keep him, Mom? Can we keep him?

Dad said we could.

Of course we can keep him.

All right!

Pat?

Mom, do A Little Bar of Soap for Sidney.

Time to put this on again, honey.

Oh, Pat, Pat, Pat.

Seeing you like this, it's just like everything is the same again.

Oh, no, Judith, nothing will ever be the same again.

That's funny.

Push harder, honey.

Is that big monkey actually going to live in our neighborhood?

Here, let me try, sweetheart.

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ What would we do without Galaxy Glue

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ Life would go to pieces without Galaxy Glue

♫ A part of me, like my anatomy

♫ Much like the stars are to the sky

♫ Look up and there's another one to buy

♫ And I wonder why

♫ I can't live my life without 'em

♫ They stick to me They stick to you

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ What would we do without Galaxy Glue

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ Life would go to pieces without Galaxy Glue

♫ For sex appeal And for my thrills and ills

♫ They all make claims to be the best

♫ Try one and there's a better one to test

♫ Then it comes to me

♫ Stop and think They couldn't possibly

♫ Be all they say Worth all I pay

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ What would we do without Galaxy Glue

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ Life would go to pieces without Galaxy Glue

♫ Desirable I'm so desirable

♫ Right close to me they wanna be

♫ They promise that they'll take good care of me

♫ I just love 'em all

♫ But they make me seem so very small

♫ They look to me I look to them

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ What would we do without Galaxy Glue

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ Life would go to pieces without Galaxy Glue

♫ Galaxy Glue, Galaxy Glue

♫ What would we do without Galaxy Glue ♫