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1
00:00:01,091 --> 00:00:02,424
- What in the hell is this?
2
00:00:02,492 --> 00:00:03,959
- I don't know.
I can't see anything.
3
00:00:04,028 --> 00:00:05,293
[siren blares,
upbeat dance music plays]
4
00:00:05,295 --> 00:00:06,494
- I hope you bitches brought
5
00:00:06,496 --> 00:00:08,230
more Jell-O shots.
6
00:00:08,298 --> 00:00:09,431
[laughter, cheering]
7
00:00:09,499 --> 00:00:10,899
- Ma'am, what's the smoke from?
8
00:00:10,901 --> 00:00:12,568
- I think found the culprit.
9
00:00:12,636 --> 00:00:14,502
These penis cookies were left
in the oven too long.
10
00:00:14,504 --> 00:00:17,105
- There's no such thing
as too long.
11
00:00:17,174 --> 00:00:19,107
[laughter and cheering]
12
00:00:19,109 --> 00:00:20,576
- All right,
let's air this place out.
13
00:00:20,644 --> 00:00:23,045
- I got this one, Cap.
14
00:00:23,113 --> 00:00:24,580
- Okay.
- Hello.
15
00:00:24,648 --> 00:00:26,648
Are you my stripper?
16
00:00:26,717 --> 00:00:28,717
- I prefer the term
"exotic dancer."
17
00:00:28,719 --> 00:00:30,118
- Hey, Ike,
I think she thinks--
18
00:00:30,187 --> 00:00:32,721
- Start dancing exotically.
19
00:00:32,723 --> 00:00:34,723
[laughter and screaming]
20
00:00:34,792 --> 00:00:36,524
- I am on the job right now.
21
00:00:36,526 --> 00:00:39,728
- You're here for a job.
A very hot job.
22
00:00:39,730 --> 00:00:41,129
[laughter and screaming]
23
00:00:41,131 --> 00:00:42,798
- I tell ya,
not only is this job hot,
24
00:00:42,866 --> 00:00:45,601
it is scorching at times.
25
00:00:45,669 --> 00:00:47,135
[all screaming]
Yeah, I know.
26
00:00:47,137 --> 00:00:48,136
- What are the rules?
27
00:00:48,205 --> 00:00:50,472
Do we get a little peek
of the equipment?
28
00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:51,807
[laughs]
[all screaming]
29
00:00:51,875 --> 00:00:53,609
- Well, all right.
I'll tell you what.
30
00:00:53,677 --> 00:00:54,810
You can play with the hose.
31
00:00:54,878 --> 00:00:56,344
[all cheering and screaming]
32
00:00:56,414 --> 00:00:57,946
You can all play with the hose!
Why not?
33
00:00:58,015 --> 00:00:59,147
[all screaming]
34
00:00:59,149 --> 00:01:00,749
Oh, whoa, whoa!
35
00:01:00,751 --> 00:01:03,018
- Ike, they think you're here
to strip for 'em, now.
36
00:01:03,087 --> 00:01:04,820
[laughter]
37
00:01:04,888 --> 00:01:06,354
- [laughs]
38
00:01:06,356 --> 00:01:08,156
Yeah, I know!
Hello?
39
00:01:08,225 --> 00:01:09,357
I was kidding!
40
00:01:09,359 --> 00:01:10,759
God, take a joke, guys!
41
00:01:10,761 --> 00:01:12,160
I'm not an idiot, okay?
42
00:01:12,162 --> 00:01:13,695
Oh, great.
43
00:01:13,764 --> 00:01:15,030
You know what, officer?
It's fine.
44
00:01:15,099 --> 00:01:17,299
It was a misunderstanding.
No need to press charges.
45
00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:18,900
[all cheering]
46
00:01:18,969 --> 00:01:23,371
[laughter]
47
00:01:23,373 --> 00:01:24,306
All right, guys,
let's roll out.
48
00:01:24,374 --> 00:01:25,641
Let's roll out.
49
00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,443
- Hey, congrats again.
50
00:01:27,511 --> 00:01:30,446
[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]
51
00:01:30,514 --> 00:01:33,649
['80s rock music]
52
00:01:33,717 --> 00:01:34,917
♪
53
00:01:34,985 --> 00:01:37,653
- ♪ Well, I'm hot blooded
54
00:01:37,721 --> 00:01:39,922
♪ Check it and see
55
00:01:39,990 --> 00:01:44,326
♪ I got a fever of 103
56
00:01:44,394 --> 00:01:46,629
♪ I'm hot blooded
57
00:01:48,198 --> 00:01:49,731
- Check it out.
58
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,134
Got my results
from that DNA ancestry company.
59
00:01:52,202 --> 00:01:53,469
- 22 and You.
60
00:01:53,537 --> 00:01:54,603
I've actually been meaning
to do that.
61
00:01:54,672 --> 00:01:55,737
- You'll never believe this.
62
00:01:55,806 --> 00:01:56,805
I'm 12% Jewish.
- What?
63
00:01:56,874 --> 00:01:58,206
- Really?
- Get out of here.
64
00:01:58,208 --> 00:01:59,875
- This is going to change
everything.
65
00:01:59,943 --> 00:02:01,743
- We should all take
these DNA tests.
66
00:02:01,812 --> 00:02:02,678
I've been telling women
for years
67
00:02:02,746 --> 00:02:03,879
I'm related to Joe Pesci.
68
00:02:03,947 --> 00:02:05,213
It's time I finally got proof.
69
00:02:05,215 --> 00:02:06,214
[laughter]
70
00:02:06,216 --> 00:02:07,483
- Hey, you know what?
71
00:02:07,551 --> 00:02:08,950
I got some extra swabs.
You all wanna do it?
72
00:02:09,019 --> 00:02:10,618
- I'll try it.
- Yep.
73
00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,020
- Oh, that'd be awesome.
- We got one for you.
74
00:02:12,022 --> 00:02:13,489
- Thank you.
- One for you, one for you.
75
00:02:13,557 --> 00:02:14,823
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ike.
- No, no, no, no, no!
76
00:02:14,892 --> 00:02:15,958
- Not like that, man.
[laughter]
77
00:02:16,026 --> 00:02:17,893
- It's up here. Up here.
- I know.
78
00:02:17,961 --> 00:02:19,427
Why do you guys always take me
so seriously all the time?
79
00:02:19,429 --> 00:02:20,762
- Try this one.
80
00:02:20,831 --> 00:02:22,298
- I was kidding.
- I know you were.
81
00:02:22,366 --> 00:02:24,700
- I know how to do it.
- Yeah.
82
00:02:24,768 --> 00:02:26,635
- Great, yeah.
- Put it in there. Put it in.
83
00:02:26,704 --> 00:02:30,372
Get that to the lab, stat.
- Okay.
84
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,708
- Hey, guys, I think us
laughing at Ike all the time
85
00:02:32,776 --> 00:02:33,909
makes him feel dumb,
86
00:02:33,978 --> 00:02:35,577
like with
the bachelorette party.
87
00:02:35,646 --> 00:02:36,979
- He's not dumb.
88
00:02:37,047 --> 00:02:38,780
He just sometimes says
dumb things.
89
00:02:38,849 --> 00:02:40,115
- You know what, next time
he says something dumb,
90
00:02:40,184 --> 00:02:41,783
I'm gonna say something dumber,
you know,
91
00:02:41,852 --> 00:02:42,918
just to take the heat off.
92
00:02:42,987 --> 00:02:44,386
- Ah, you better not do that
93
00:02:44,454 --> 00:02:45,988
'cause then people will think
you're dumb.
94
00:02:46,056 --> 00:02:47,122
- Me?
Nah.
95
00:02:47,191 --> 00:02:48,324
- Hey, Cap, you wanna go see
96
00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:49,658
if Chief wants to inspect
his genes?
97
00:02:49,727 --> 00:02:50,792
- I've already inspected
his jeans.
98
00:02:50,861 --> 00:02:52,260
They are consistently saggy
99
00:02:52,262 --> 00:02:53,261
and halfway down his ass.
100
00:02:53,331 --> 00:02:54,730
- Oh!
- [laughs]
101
00:02:54,798 --> 00:02:56,664
That little tuchus reminds me
of two matzo balls.
102
00:02:56,666 --> 00:02:58,667
[laughs]
- Very funny, guys.
103
00:03:01,271 --> 00:03:03,539
- Hey. What's up, guys?
- What's with the tweed?
104
00:03:03,607 --> 00:03:05,473
Trying on a new character
for the strip joint?
105
00:03:05,475 --> 00:03:07,209
[laughs]
Professor Pecs.
106
00:03:07,277 --> 00:03:08,410
[both laugh]
107
00:03:08,478 --> 00:03:10,012
I like it.
- Hey.
108
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,547
Cool turtleneck, dude.
- Thanks, man.
109
00:03:11,615 --> 00:03:12,881
- Looks like the one
I just got my mom.
110
00:03:12,883 --> 00:03:14,149
- Hey, I wanted to tell you
111
00:03:14,218 --> 00:03:15,951
I had this crazy dream
about you last night
112
00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:18,820
and I feel like I just need
to, like, process it, you know?
113
00:03:18,889 --> 00:03:19,955
- Okay.
Yeah, sure.
114
00:03:20,024 --> 00:03:21,023
- Like, we were hanging out,
115
00:03:21,091 --> 00:03:22,358
eating cheeseburgers together.
116
00:03:22,426 --> 00:03:23,825
- Oh, well, I am flattered.
[laughs]
117
00:03:23,894 --> 00:03:25,293
- You noticed that I had
some, like, mustard
118
00:03:25,363 --> 00:03:26,494
at the corner of my mouth.
119
00:03:26,564 --> 00:03:27,495
- Uh-oh.
- You know what I mean?
120
00:03:27,565 --> 00:03:28,830
- Yeah.
121
00:03:28,899 --> 00:03:30,232
- You, like, reached out
to wipe it off,
122
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,968
but the way you did it was,
like, super, like, tender.
123
00:03:33,037 --> 00:03:35,837
Then, you came over and you sat
on my lap for some reason
124
00:03:35,906 --> 00:03:39,041
and I was like, "Ooh, I think
I know where this is going."
125
00:03:39,109 --> 00:03:41,043
- Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
126
00:03:41,111 --> 00:03:43,845
I'm feeling very uncomfortable
in the workplace right now.
127
00:03:43,914 --> 00:03:45,447
- I think the only way
to get over this
128
00:03:45,515 --> 00:03:46,782
is if we just hug it out.
129
00:03:46,850 --> 00:03:48,516
- I don't think that's the way.
- Kay?
130
00:03:48,586 --> 00:03:49,851
Come here.
131
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,187
Come here.
- What are you doing?
132
00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:52,654
- Come on.
We basically share a bed, bro.
133
00:03:52,723 --> 00:03:53,789
- Wait, wait, wait!
- [laughs]
134
00:03:53,857 --> 00:03:55,057
- What are you--wait--Mike!
135
00:03:55,125 --> 00:03:56,658
- [laughs]
- You son of a bitch!
136
00:03:56,727 --> 00:03:58,526
- Ike has a twin?
- Took you forever!
137
00:03:58,596 --> 00:04:00,062
- Holy shit.
138
00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:01,597
- Should've seen the look
on your face, Myawani.
139
00:04:01,665 --> 00:04:03,732
[both groan]
You're such an idiot.
140
00:04:03,734 --> 00:04:05,200
- Lucy, that's my brother Mike.
141
00:04:05,269 --> 00:04:06,802
Mike's a professor
up at Seattle State.
142
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:08,204
- That's the last time
I'm gonna fall
143
00:04:08,272 --> 00:04:09,738
for that whole
sexual harassment routine.
144
00:04:09,807 --> 00:04:11,206
- [laughs mockingly]
Is it, Andy?
145
00:04:11,275 --> 00:04:13,008
I don't think so.
- That's not even my laugh.
146
00:04:13,077 --> 00:04:14,276
- 'Sup, Ikey?
How are you?
147
00:04:14,344 --> 00:04:15,811
- Hey, Mike.
You're here.
148
00:04:15,879 --> 00:04:17,145
- You guys not gonna hug?
149
00:04:17,214 --> 00:04:18,680
- Nah.
We're not really huggers.
150
00:04:18,749 --> 00:04:20,216
- Yeah, these guys don't even
shake hands.
151
00:04:20,284 --> 00:04:22,751
- We like to stay inside
our own quadrants, you know?
152
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:24,286
Isn't that right, Ike?
- Yeah. [laughs]
153
00:04:24,354 --> 00:04:26,154
- We have quadrants
and we just stick to them.
154
00:04:26,223 --> 00:04:28,090
- Seems kinda like a cop-out,
but whatever.
155
00:04:28,158 --> 00:04:29,691
- Oh, man!
It's so good to see you.
156
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:30,893
What have you been up to?
- Not much.
157
00:04:30,961 --> 00:04:32,294
Just published a paper
158
00:04:32,362 --> 00:04:34,029
on the moral significance
of conscience.
159
00:04:34,098 --> 00:04:36,298
It's, uh--
don't worry about it.
160
00:04:36,366 --> 00:04:38,700
- That sounds cool.
I've been pretty busy too.
161
00:04:38,769 --> 00:04:40,702
I just debuted
a new dance routine
162
00:04:40,771 --> 00:04:42,170
set to "Wet the Bed"
by Ludacris.
163
00:04:42,172 --> 00:04:44,773
It's like--
it's pretty tricky.
164
00:04:44,775 --> 00:04:46,642
- That's great.
You're a real artiste.
165
00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:49,311
- Mike, you know
I don't speak French.
166
00:04:49,379 --> 00:04:50,646
- Yeah, Mike.
167
00:04:50,714 --> 00:04:52,581
It's actually pronounced
"artist-eh."
168
00:04:52,650 --> 00:04:53,649
- Are you being serious
right now?
169
00:04:53,717 --> 00:04:55,317
- [laughs]
Yeah, come on.
170
00:04:55,385 --> 00:04:56,985
I mean, it happens, Andy.
171
00:04:56,987 --> 00:04:58,454
- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
172
00:04:58,522 --> 00:05:00,055
- Ikey, uh,
173
00:05:00,124 --> 00:05:01,790
can I talk to you in private
for a second, pal?
174
00:05:01,859 --> 00:05:03,525
- Yeah, of course.
Sorry, guys.
175
00:05:03,593 --> 00:05:04,993
Yeah, we can--
176
00:05:04,995 --> 00:05:08,396
- Did you see how far
up my butt his hand was?
177
00:05:08,466 --> 00:05:09,531
♪
178
00:05:09,599 --> 00:05:10,532
- All right, now, you gotta
179
00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:11,933
get around good in there, man.
180
00:05:12,002 --> 00:05:13,135
You get all the DNA
on that swab.
181
00:05:13,203 --> 00:05:14,670
- Man, I would hate to be
that swab.
182
00:05:14,738 --> 00:05:16,338
That poor little swab woke up
this morning
183
00:05:16,406 --> 00:05:18,006
and was like,
"It's gonna be a good day."
184
00:05:18,008 --> 00:05:19,475
- I'm warning you,
this thing might come back
185
00:05:19,543 --> 00:05:20,742
with high levels of pastrami.
186
00:05:20,811 --> 00:05:21,944
[both laugh]
187
00:05:22,012 --> 00:05:23,145
- Guys, how did I not know
188
00:05:23,213 --> 00:05:24,412
that Ike has a twin?
189
00:05:24,482 --> 00:05:25,681
- Oh, no.
Mike is here?
190
00:05:25,749 --> 00:05:27,349
That guy is such a tool.
191
00:05:27,417 --> 00:05:28,817
- Yeah, and he put his finger
in my butt again.
192
00:05:28,819 --> 00:05:30,218
- Blech.
- It's weird.
193
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,887
They're identical but they seem
so different.
194
00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:34,089
I mean, clearly,
Mike is super switched on
195
00:05:34,158 --> 00:05:37,025
and Ike is--well, you know.
- Hey.
196
00:05:37,094 --> 00:05:38,827
- It's not surprising
when you know the science.
197
00:05:38,829 --> 00:05:40,162
When they were infants,
198
00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:42,298
Mike obviously gravitated
toward the smart teat,
199
00:05:42,366 --> 00:05:45,100
whereas Ike was relegated
to the dumb teat.
200
00:05:45,169 --> 00:05:46,969
It was up to their mother
to rotate the breasts,
201
00:05:47,037 --> 00:05:48,904
but she obviously fell down
on the job.
202
00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,506
- Are we really doing this
again?
203
00:05:50,574 --> 00:05:52,040
That is not how biology works.
204
00:05:52,109 --> 00:05:54,042
- I wouldn't expect you
to understand this, pumpkin.
205
00:05:54,044 --> 00:05:55,511
No offense, but you favored
the dumb teat too.
206
00:05:55,579 --> 00:05:57,179
- Oh!
- Damn!
207
00:05:57,247 --> 00:05:59,515
- No, I didn't.
- I feel bad for Ike.
208
00:05:59,583 --> 00:06:00,716
He was already feeling insecure
209
00:06:00,784 --> 00:06:02,184
and then his asshole brother
shows up.
210
00:06:02,252 --> 00:06:04,186
- That guy always treats Ike
like crap.
211
00:06:04,254 --> 00:06:05,187
- How so?
212
00:06:05,255 --> 00:06:06,388
[siren wailing]
- Oof.
213
00:06:06,456 --> 00:06:07,990
75 in a school zone, huh?
214
00:06:08,058 --> 00:06:10,058
You're gonna wanna see my ID,
I suppose?
215
00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:11,259
Name's Ike Crystal.
216
00:06:11,261 --> 00:06:13,061
[goofy voice]
I'm a fireman.
217
00:06:13,063 --> 00:06:15,331
- You're too sick
to go to my sister's wedding.
218
00:06:15,399 --> 00:06:16,999
- I'm sorry.
219
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:18,734
- You weren't too sick
last night for a booty call.
220
00:06:18,802 --> 00:06:20,468
I let you do butt stuff!
221
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:21,803
- No, you--you didn't.
222
00:06:21,872 --> 00:06:23,471
What--
- Ike!
223
00:06:23,473 --> 00:06:24,673
She gone?
- Yeah.
224
00:06:24,742 --> 00:06:27,075
- She is a beast in the sack,
bro.
225
00:06:27,144 --> 00:06:29,144
[hard rock music]
226
00:06:29,213 --> 00:06:30,679
Hey, frosted tips.
You want a spot?
227
00:06:30,748 --> 00:06:32,214
- No.
228
00:06:32,282 --> 00:06:34,016
- [grunts]
- Mike, don't!
229
00:06:34,084 --> 00:06:36,018
- Did you feed Patches?
- Don't! I can't lift it!
230
00:06:36,086 --> 00:06:38,888
Come on, Mike!
- Feed the cats!
231
00:06:40,824 --> 00:06:43,425
- Don't, don't, don't!
232
00:06:43,493 --> 00:06:45,093
Open it!
- Aw, it's locked.
233
00:06:45,095 --> 00:06:46,895
Don't you dare.
You know I feel it too, Ike.
234
00:06:46,964 --> 00:06:48,564
- Open it then.
- Don't.
235
00:06:48,632 --> 00:06:49,765
Don't punch yourself
in the nuts.
236
00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:51,433
- [groans]
- [laughs]
237
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:53,035
You're such an idiot.
238
00:06:53,103 --> 00:06:54,502
- And the worst part?
239
00:06:54,504 --> 00:06:55,637
Ike is the only one
who doesn't see
240
00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:56,838
what a dick his brother is.
241
00:06:56,907 --> 00:06:58,374
- Why is Mike such a dick?
242
00:06:58,442 --> 00:06:59,908
- Mean teat, nice teat?
243
00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:01,309
- [scoffs]
- Mm, I don't think so.
244
00:07:01,311 --> 00:07:03,645
- Regardless, he always has
a sketchy angle,
245
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:05,181
so we should watch out for Ike.
246
00:07:05,249 --> 00:07:06,314
- Good point.
247
00:07:06,316 --> 00:07:07,515
All right, back to work,
everybody.
248
00:07:07,517 --> 00:07:08,584
Let's go.
249
00:07:08,652 --> 00:07:09,718
- [speaking gibberish]
250
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,520
- [speaking gibberish]
251
00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:15,791
- [speaking gibberish]
252
00:07:15,859 --> 00:07:17,593
[both laugh]
- I don't know.
253
00:07:17,661 --> 00:07:19,327
Tweaky, I guess?
- [laughs]
254
00:07:19,329 --> 00:07:22,398
- It's so cool we still know
our own twin language.
255
00:07:22,466 --> 00:07:23,465
- Look at us, huh?
256
00:07:23,533 --> 00:07:24,866
Both took different paths,
257
00:07:24,935 --> 00:07:26,935
but both very successful
in our own fields.
258
00:07:27,004 --> 00:07:29,204
- That is true.
- You're doing great, man.
259
00:07:29,273 --> 00:07:31,339
I mean, you're not married
or tenured like I am,
260
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:35,343
but you got a shared bunk,
decent pension I'm assuming,
261
00:07:35,345 --> 00:07:37,213
and your landlord lets you
pay your rent in singles.
262
00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:38,814
- Is this still a compliment
'cause--
263
00:07:38,883 --> 00:07:39,882
- Yeah, it started out
that way.
264
00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:41,349
Then it got a little truthy.
265
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:44,620
Point is you've got some things
that I don't have.
266
00:07:44,688 --> 00:07:45,687
- Seriously?
267
00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:47,289
- And like a good brother,
268
00:07:47,357 --> 00:07:51,559
you're always willing to share
what you do have
269
00:07:51,561 --> 00:07:52,560
with me.
270
00:07:52,562 --> 00:07:53,495
- [sighs]
271
00:07:53,563 --> 00:07:54,830
Mike, you're not gonna ask
272
00:07:54,898 --> 00:07:55,898
to borrow my license again,
are you?
273
00:07:55,966 --> 00:07:57,032
I owe so much money.
274
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:59,968
- No, Ike.
I need something else.
275
00:07:59,970 --> 00:08:01,637
I want your sperm.
276
00:08:01,705 --> 00:08:03,571
- Ah!
[laughs]
277
00:08:03,573 --> 00:08:04,907
Hey, if I had a nickel
278
00:08:04,975 --> 00:08:06,975
for every time a girl asked me
for my sperm,
279
00:08:07,044 --> 00:08:08,644
I'd have a big bag of sperm--
280
00:08:08,712 --> 00:08:11,247
I mean, I'd have--
I'd be rich!
281
00:08:11,315 --> 00:08:14,450
- Susan and I are having
trouble conceiving a baby, Ike.
282
00:08:14,518 --> 00:08:15,784
- She's infertile?
283
00:08:15,853 --> 00:08:17,453
- Well, that would mean--
284
00:08:17,521 --> 00:08:19,521
yeah, you nailed it, Ike.
285
00:08:19,589 --> 00:08:22,057
So, Ike Bartholomew Crystal,
286
00:08:22,126 --> 00:08:23,925
wanna help your brother
have a baby?
287
00:08:23,994 --> 00:08:25,594
- This is a gigantic decision.
288
00:08:25,663 --> 00:08:27,195
- Yeah, it is.
289
00:08:27,197 --> 00:08:28,864
- [grunts]
- Careful on that knuckle, pal.
290
00:08:28,932 --> 00:08:30,132
I can feel that too, remember?
291
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,867
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
292
00:08:35,772 --> 00:08:37,706
- All right, mishpachah.
293
00:08:37,774 --> 00:08:40,309
Time to get in touch
with your roots.
294
00:08:40,377 --> 00:08:44,179
And then afterwards, babka!
295
00:08:44,248 --> 00:08:45,580
- Oh, look at this.
22 and You.
296
00:08:45,582 --> 00:08:46,715
I love it.
Kaponko.
297
00:08:46,783 --> 00:08:47,850
- Is this the DNA thing?
298
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,451
- Yeah, Terry.
- That's exciting.
299
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:50,853
- This is so fun.
- Cool.
300
00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:52,187
- Oh, I knew it.
301
00:08:52,189 --> 00:08:53,388
[Irish accent]
Irish to me bones!
302
00:08:53,457 --> 00:08:54,789
- Look,
that is the genetic marker
303
00:08:54,859 --> 00:08:56,458
for the abnormally long
ass crack.
304
00:08:56,527 --> 00:08:57,726
- Okay, the length
of my ass crack
305
00:08:57,794 --> 00:08:59,194
is well within normal range.
306
00:08:59,196 --> 00:09:00,329
- And there's
the genetic marker
307
00:09:00,397 --> 00:09:01,664
for Asymmetrowobblosis.
308
00:09:01,732 --> 00:09:03,265
- What's that?
309
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,133
- That's the condition that
causes 90% of your body weight
310
00:09:05,202 --> 00:09:06,869
to settle above
your belly button.
311
00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:08,937
- And if it's left untreated,
it leads to topple-over-itis.
312
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:10,873
- Which, in turn, can lead
to help-I've-fallen-
313
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:11,874
and-I-can't-get-up-isis.
314
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:13,542
[laughter]
315
00:09:13,610 --> 00:09:14,943
- It says here my genetic
traits are low testosterone,
316
00:09:15,012 --> 00:09:17,479
wet mouth, clammy hands,
and sensitive teeth.
317
00:09:17,548 --> 00:09:19,081
- I'm glad I don't have
those traits.
318
00:09:19,149 --> 00:09:21,283
- It also says that Lucy and I
are descendants
319
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,484
of Genghis Khan.
320
00:09:22,553 --> 00:09:24,219
- Hey, me too.
- Me too.
321
00:09:24,288 --> 00:09:25,754
Everybody's related
to Genghis Khan.
322
00:09:25,822 --> 00:09:26,889
- I am not.
323
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:29,024
It says here that I'm related
to Chaka Khan.
324
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,158
- Oh.
- Huh.
325
00:09:30,227 --> 00:09:32,561
Says here that 90%
of my inherited traits
326
00:09:32,629 --> 00:09:34,429
come from the Penisi side
and not the McConky.
327
00:09:34,498 --> 00:09:36,031
- You have a lot of McConky
in you.
328
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,299
Give me that thing.
- You wanna see my stats?
329
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,834
- Yeah, come on.
- All right.
330
00:09:39,836 --> 00:09:41,570
- This can't be right.
- Sorry, Chiefy.
331
00:09:41,638 --> 00:09:42,971
She's a Penisi
through and through.
332
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,039
- Penisis are cool.
333
00:09:44,108 --> 00:09:46,174
- Whatever.
Gimme some babka.
334
00:09:46,243 --> 00:09:47,642
[grunting]
Okay.
335
00:09:47,644 --> 00:09:49,111
Looks good, Granny.
336
00:09:49,179 --> 00:09:51,113
Mmm.
Oh, mmm.
337
00:09:51,181 --> 00:09:52,915
Oh, my God. Ow!
Oh, my teeth!
338
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:55,918
- Penisis do not have
sensitive teeth.
339
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:57,652
[moaning]
- [laughs]
340
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:58,921
- No.
I don't like this one bit.
341
00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:00,655
You are not like him.
342
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,791
[grunting]
343
00:10:02,859 --> 00:10:04,126
Ow!
Jesus!
344
00:10:04,194 --> 00:10:05,193
[groans]
345
00:10:05,262 --> 00:10:06,261
Where's my toothpaste?
346
00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:07,529
- Why would you do that?
347
00:10:07,598 --> 00:10:10,465
- Why does it say
I'm 6% Toblerone?
348
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,000
- Ooh.
- Not true.
349
00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:14,869
The aroma of Tacoma comes from
the old pulp and paper mill.
350
00:10:14,871 --> 00:10:16,138
- You're wrong.
Egg farms.
351
00:10:16,206 --> 00:10:17,272
That's where
the aroma comes from.
352
00:10:17,341 --> 00:10:18,741
- This is it on Checkipedia.
353
00:10:18,809 --> 00:10:20,475
So it's offish.
- Checkipedia.
354
00:10:20,544 --> 00:10:22,144
- Yeah, that's wrong.
- What?
355
00:10:22,212 --> 00:10:23,746
- It's in writing.
- It's in digital writing.
356
00:10:23,814 --> 00:10:24,947
- Ike, Ike,
that's still charged.
357
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:25,948
- [groans]
- Whoa.
358
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,282
- Oh, my God!
359
00:10:27,284 --> 00:10:29,217
- Ay, caramba!
360
00:10:29,286 --> 00:10:30,419
[groans]
361
00:10:30,487 --> 00:10:31,420
- Are you okay?
362
00:10:31,488 --> 00:10:32,755
- Yeah.
Sorry, guys.
363
00:10:32,823 --> 00:10:34,623
I've just been
really preoccupied lately.
364
00:10:34,691 --> 00:10:36,959
Mike asked me for my sperm
for a baby.
365
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:37,960
- What?
366
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,294
After the shitty way
he's treated you
367
00:10:39,296 --> 00:10:40,429
all these years?
368
00:10:40,497 --> 00:10:41,496
- Cap, he doesn't treat me
shitty.
369
00:10:41,498 --> 00:10:42,431
You have to understand.
370
00:10:42,499 --> 00:10:43,966
Guys, he's my brother.
371
00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:45,367
That's brother stuff.
372
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,103
He could've asked anyone
for sperm for his baby.
373
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:49,571
You know who he asked?
374
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,040
Me.
His identical twin.
375
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:54,042
- Yeah,
you should be flattered.
376
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,644
- I know, right?
377
00:10:55,712 --> 00:10:57,312
I feel like it could really
just bring us closer together,
378
00:10:57,314 --> 00:10:58,647
you know, like, as brothers.
379
00:10:58,715 --> 00:11:00,916
And plus, I gotta say,
it would be pretty sweet
380
00:11:00,985 --> 00:11:02,184
to have sex with his wife.
381
00:11:02,252 --> 00:11:03,986
- I don't think
that's a part of the deal.
382
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,721
- Because she's infertile.
- I said the same thing.
383
00:11:06,723 --> 00:11:08,190
- Ike, you do not want
the child of your seed
384
00:11:08,259 --> 00:11:10,058
being raised
by that bullying prick.
385
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:11,326
- [laughs]
386
00:11:11,395 --> 00:11:13,195
Cap, he's not a bully.
387
00:11:13,264 --> 00:11:15,397
He's not a prick either.
He's my brother.
388
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,933
And what--
[chokes]
389
00:11:18,002 --> 00:11:20,603
- 'Sup, you big spaz?
- Ah, Mike, I knew it was you!
390
00:11:20,671 --> 00:11:23,405
[wheezes]
We always do this.
391
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,607
I'll flip you.
392
00:11:24,675 --> 00:11:26,275
- Let's go talk
turkey...baster.
393
00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:27,409
- [groans]
- [laughs]
394
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,611
- Ah, Mike, you're so strong!
395
00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:29,812
- You even get that, Ike?
396
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,214
You get that joke?
397
00:11:32,283 --> 00:11:33,348
Ooh!
398
00:11:33,417 --> 00:11:34,617
Pah!
Come on, get up, pal.
399
00:11:34,685 --> 00:11:36,418
We gotta get this
insemination thing going.
400
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:37,952
- That was awesome.
401
00:11:37,954 --> 00:11:39,354
- What do you say I take you
out for ice cream
402
00:11:39,356 --> 00:11:40,355
and then you can jerk off
in a cup?
403
00:11:40,357 --> 00:11:41,824
- To tell you the truth,
404
00:11:41,892 --> 00:11:43,558
I haven't really made
my mind up about that yet.
405
00:11:43,628 --> 00:11:46,761
- Ike, this'll bring us closer
as brothers.
406
00:11:46,763 --> 00:11:47,963
- Okay, all right.
I'll do it.
407
00:11:48,032 --> 00:11:50,699
- [laughs]
There you go! All right!
408
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:53,101
- Hey, but first,
two scoops of Rocky Road
409
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,569
with sprinkles!
410
00:11:54,571 --> 00:11:55,570
- You betcha.
411
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,372
Rocky Road
followed by Rocky Load.
412
00:11:57,441 --> 00:11:59,842
- Oh, Rocky Road...
413
00:11:59,910 --> 00:12:02,244
with--oh--
414
00:12:02,313 --> 00:12:04,313
- Nut, man.
Any kind of nut.
415
00:12:04,381 --> 00:12:05,580
- Oh, man.
416
00:12:05,582 --> 00:12:06,515
Orange sherbet
417
00:12:06,583 --> 00:12:08,583
and sugar and sperm.
418
00:12:08,653 --> 00:12:10,452
- Sugar and sperm?
Oh, man.
419
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,322
I forgot you can't do puns.
[laughs]
420
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:15,524
I scream, you scream,
we all scream for Ike's cream.
421
00:12:15,592 --> 00:12:17,992
[all scoff]
- Dang, that was funny.
422
00:12:17,994 --> 00:12:19,261
- Come on, buddy.
423
00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:21,530
- Sugar and sperm?
Really, Ike?
424
00:12:21,598 --> 00:12:23,198
♪
425
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,267
- Mm.
Fast metabolism.
426
00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:27,269
You know that's Penisi DNA.
427
00:12:27,338 --> 00:12:28,603
You're welcome.
428
00:12:28,673 --> 00:12:29,804
Regular sized cranium.
429
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,540
- No McConky ham head for me.
430
00:12:31,608 --> 00:12:32,741
- You're welcome.
431
00:12:32,809 --> 00:12:34,343
The gene
for actually having a neck.
432
00:12:34,411 --> 00:12:35,477
You're welcome.
433
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,212
Kid, you're a Penisi through
and through.
434
00:12:37,281 --> 00:12:38,747
[echoing]
Penisi through and through.
435
00:12:38,815 --> 00:12:40,349
Penisi through and through.
436
00:12:40,417 --> 00:12:41,684
- But so anyways,
437
00:12:41,752 --> 00:12:43,218
the pregnancy results came back
negative,
438
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,154
so I celebrated
and I went out to the track.
439
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:49,157
I ended up hooking up
with this 19-year-old jockey.
440
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,560
He was short,
but he knew how to ride.
441
00:12:51,628 --> 00:12:53,696
[distorted laugh]
442
00:12:53,764 --> 00:12:55,564
[distorted]
Oh, he knew how to ride!
443
00:12:55,632 --> 00:12:57,099
[both laugh evilly]
444
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,701
I'm so lonely.
445
00:12:58,769 --> 00:13:01,303
[both laugh]
Ah, this is a cry for help.
446
00:13:01,372 --> 00:13:02,771
[distorted laughter]
447
00:13:02,839 --> 00:13:03,972
- Hey, Chief.
- [yelps]
448
00:13:04,041 --> 00:13:05,507
- Wanna try some kishke
with me?
449
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:06,841
- Okay.
450
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,377
- It's matzo
stuffed in cow intestine.
451
00:13:08,445 --> 00:13:11,046
Granny, come here, come here.
452
00:13:11,048 --> 00:13:13,448
Listen, you're a man
of science, right?
453
00:13:13,517 --> 00:13:15,518
Why is it that Lucy has none
of my DNA
454
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,719
and all of Eddie's DNA?
455
00:13:16,787 --> 00:13:18,587
- She has your DNA too.
456
00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:21,189
It's just that the Penisi gene
is dominant.
457
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:22,991
- Eddie is shallow
and conceited
458
00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:24,727
and he can't hold
a relationship
459
00:13:24,795 --> 00:13:27,195
and I don't want my daughter
growing up to be like him.
460
00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:30,532
- What makes us who we are
is not so simple, Chief.
461
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,534
I mean, look at me.
462
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,268
I'm a member of the 12 tribes.
463
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,070
[laughs]
464
00:13:35,072 --> 00:13:37,806
- Look, look,
my kids are my legacy, okay?
465
00:13:37,874 --> 00:13:39,541
And if they don't carry
my traits,
466
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,610
when I'm gone,
I cease to exist.
467
00:13:41,678 --> 00:13:44,813
- Then I suggest
you bring out your traits
468
00:13:44,881 --> 00:13:47,215
and show her the good things
about being a McConky.
469
00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:48,283
Huh?
470
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,818
Now, open.
471
00:13:49,886 --> 00:13:52,087
- Oh, okay.
- [laughs]
472
00:13:52,089 --> 00:13:53,355
Mazel.
473
00:13:53,424 --> 00:13:55,557
- [grunting]
474
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:57,626
What the hell is this?
475
00:13:57,694 --> 00:14:00,495
This album is full
of your McConky ancestors
476
00:14:00,497 --> 00:14:01,764
and their amazing
accomplishments,
477
00:14:01,832 --> 00:14:03,832
or as I like to call them,
McConk-lishments.
478
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:05,500
[both laugh]
- Good one, Dad.
479
00:14:05,569 --> 00:14:07,169
You know, I actually have
some work to do,
480
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:08,237
but this looks really--
481
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,772
- Okay.
All right. Great.
482
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,573
This here is Seamus McConky,
your great-grandfather.
483
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:14,443
He was a successful fishmonger
in Cork, Ireland.
484
00:14:14,511 --> 00:14:16,511
Also known to be
extremely sturdy.
485
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:17,913
- Hmm.
- Look, that's your face.
486
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,448
- I'm not seeing it.
- Right in the eyes?
487
00:14:19,516 --> 00:14:21,650
- Nah.
- Oh, okay.
488
00:14:21,718 --> 00:14:23,718
He too had a daughter
named Lucille.
489
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,919
- I'm not a Lucille.
490
00:14:24,921 --> 00:14:26,721
- This is Cormac McConky,
491
00:14:26,723 --> 00:14:28,523
famous for eating
the last potato
492
00:14:28,592 --> 00:14:29,658
before the great potato famine.
493
00:14:29,726 --> 00:14:31,594
Legend has it, that potato?
494
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,128
[Irish accent]
It was au gratin.
495
00:14:33,130 --> 00:14:34,596
- You know, Dad,
you don't have to do this.
496
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,531
- Aw, a little
father-daughter time.
497
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,533
How adorable.
- Hey, Mom. What's up?
498
00:14:38,535 --> 00:14:40,535
- Just swinging by.
I'm on my way to the hospital.
499
00:14:40,604 --> 00:14:41,736
What is this about?
500
00:14:41,738 --> 00:14:43,138
- Everyone here did DNA tests
501
00:14:43,207 --> 00:14:44,873
and Dad's a little freaked out
about my Penisi DNA,
502
00:14:44,941 --> 00:14:46,274
so he's trying to impress me
503
00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:48,677
with the McConky clan
of McConky.
504
00:14:48,745 --> 00:14:50,545
- Her results
were a little alarming.
505
00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:52,615
- Alarming?
How?
506
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,749
- There was a lot of Penisi DNA
507
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:56,685
and Eddie's been rubbing
my nose in it.
508
00:14:56,753 --> 00:14:58,821
- Yeah, that's my DNA.
509
00:14:58,889 --> 00:15:00,422
The good stuff?
[laughs]
510
00:15:00,491 --> 00:15:04,959
It's the gene for caring,
patience, intelligence.
511
00:15:04,961 --> 00:15:07,295
Those the traits
you're concerned about?
512
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:08,763
- I was not talking about that.
513
00:15:08,765 --> 00:15:09,898
- He's talking about
Uncle Eddie.
514
00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,634
- I'm sorry,
am I missing something?
515
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,235
Did you somehow, what,
fertilize Eddie's egg?
516
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:16,505
- Course not, but sometimes,
I see his eyes
517
00:15:16,573 --> 00:15:18,907
when I make love to you.
518
00:15:18,975 --> 00:15:20,775
- Oh, my gosh, Dad.
519
00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:22,377
- Holy hell.
- [gags]
520
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:23,712
Dad, you shouldn't have
said that.
521
00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:24,979
- It's her brother.
522
00:15:24,981 --> 00:15:26,849
- Hoo!
All right.
523
00:15:26,917 --> 00:15:28,851
I hope
that you don't ever think
524
00:15:28,919 --> 00:15:30,853
that we're gonna have sex again
525
00:15:30,921 --> 00:15:35,190
because I can't believe
you just said that.
526
00:15:35,259 --> 00:15:36,258
Lucy, come on.
527
00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:37,792
- She's supposed to stay here
with me.
528
00:15:37,794 --> 00:15:39,061
- And hear about
Uncle Eddie's eyes?
529
00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:40,929
I don't think so.
- Wait, I'm the chief!
530
00:15:40,997 --> 00:15:43,065
- And I am her mother.
531
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:45,467
- Okay.
532
00:15:45,536 --> 00:15:48,403
- [whispering]
Penisi genes.
533
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:51,740
- [laughing]
534
00:15:51,808 --> 00:15:53,208
- What are you doing?
535
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:54,877
- I'm trying to figure out
what holidays I get off
536
00:15:54,945 --> 00:15:55,944
now that I'm Jewish.
537
00:15:56,013 --> 00:15:57,145
It's amazing!
538
00:15:57,214 --> 00:15:59,548
Look, they got Rosh Hashanah,
Yom Kippur,
539
00:15:59,616 --> 00:16:01,016
Passover, Hanukkah.
540
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,085
- Okay, I think there's more
to being Jewish
541
00:16:03,153 --> 00:16:06,755
than just counting holidays
and trying new foods.
542
00:16:06,823 --> 00:16:08,823
- [laughs]
Okay.
543
00:16:08,825 --> 00:16:11,826
- I'm sure
there's something deeper...
544
00:16:11,896 --> 00:16:15,030
to it inside things...
545
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:16,831
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, no.
546
00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:18,233
I'm just saying that, you know,
547
00:16:18,302 --> 00:16:22,170
maybe some of these DAN tests
are just wrong.
548
00:16:22,239 --> 00:16:24,573
- You don't have to pretend
to be dumb when Ike's not here.
549
00:16:24,641 --> 00:16:26,174
- I'm not!
[gasps]
550
00:16:26,243 --> 00:16:27,976
You think it's stuck?
- That's medically impossible.
551
00:16:28,045 --> 00:16:31,380
- What if this is permanent?
[gasps]
552
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,915
Like a Sharpie?
553
00:16:32,983 --> 00:16:34,717
Or like when you cross
your eyes for too long
554
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,318
and then all of a sudden,
you're like a bird.
555
00:16:36,387 --> 00:16:37,720
You see, like, both sides only
556
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,187
and you have to turn your head
real fast
557
00:16:39,256 --> 00:16:41,056
in order to see
what's next to you.
558
00:16:41,058 --> 00:16:43,592
- What a day, what a day!
[laughs]
559
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:44,727
Today, I'll have you know,
560
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:47,529
I was part of the miracle
of life.
561
00:16:47,598 --> 00:16:49,732
- You really went through with
helping your douchebag brother?
562
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,865
- Gran, He's not a douchebag.
563
00:16:50,867 --> 00:16:53,001
I mean--well, even if he is,
564
00:16:53,070 --> 00:16:55,738
I'll be around as a symbol
of undoucheyness
565
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,406
for the kid, so--
566
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,341
- Ike.
Come on.
567
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:01,876
- This might be the big news!
568
00:17:01,878 --> 00:17:03,678
- I know I found
a new religion,
569
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,415
but fuck Mike.
570
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,216
- [whistles]
571
00:17:08,285 --> 00:17:09,484
Hey, big fella.
572
00:17:09,553 --> 00:17:11,553
So talked to the doctor.
573
00:17:11,622 --> 00:17:13,222
Your custard cut the mustard.
574
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:14,556
- Ah!
Mike!
575
00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:15,824
[laughs]
- All right, all right.
576
00:17:15,892 --> 00:17:16,959
- Eh, oh?
- You know, stop, stop.
577
00:17:17,027 --> 00:17:18,493
Just stop.
- [growls]
578
00:17:18,562 --> 00:17:20,162
[laughs]
Oh, man!
579
00:17:20,231 --> 00:17:22,497
I'm so excited
to be part of a family.
580
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:23,698
- About that.
581
00:17:23,768 --> 00:17:25,100
Listen, Ikey,
582
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,969
Susan doesn't know
that it's your sperm
583
00:17:27,037 --> 00:17:28,837
and I think it's probably best
if we keep it that way,
584
00:17:28,905 --> 00:17:30,973
okay, pal?
585
00:17:31,041 --> 00:17:32,841
- What's she gonna think
when the baby comes out
586
00:17:32,909 --> 00:17:35,444
and looks exactly like me?
587
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:38,647
- Well, uh, Ike, we'll just
have to cross that bridge
588
00:17:38,715 --> 00:17:40,449
when we get to it.
589
00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:43,251
- Well, it's gonna be fun
to be an uncle, I guess.
590
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:44,719
I'll always be that.
[laughs]
591
00:17:44,789 --> 00:17:46,121
- Listen, Ike,
I think it's best
592
00:17:46,123 --> 00:17:48,323
if the kid doesn't even know
you exist.
593
00:17:48,392 --> 00:17:49,458
- What?
594
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:51,059
- He needs
positive role models.
595
00:17:51,128 --> 00:17:52,527
You understand, right?
596
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:54,729
I mean, I don't want him
growing up seeing you
597
00:17:54,731 --> 00:17:57,732
and thinking
he's gonna end up dumb.
598
00:17:57,734 --> 00:17:59,067
But, still, hey.
599
00:17:59,136 --> 00:18:01,670
Nice work, stud.
600
00:18:01,738 --> 00:18:03,973
- Thanks.
601
00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:09,979
♪
602
00:18:16,854 --> 00:18:18,119
- Sorry, Granny.
603
00:18:18,189 --> 00:18:19,855
I just needed a moment
to myself.
604
00:18:19,923 --> 00:18:21,657
- Sit down, my friend.
605
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,264
Sometimes, the man
who wants to be alone
606
00:18:29,332 --> 00:18:30,866
is the most in need of company.
607
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:33,869
- It's my brother, Mike.
608
00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:37,072
Just feel like he walks
all over me all the time.
609
00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:38,874
- There's an old Yiddish
saying:
610
00:18:38,942 --> 00:18:42,111
"Klieg, Klieg, Klieg--
du bist a Nar."
611
00:18:44,147 --> 00:18:45,214
- What does that mean?
612
00:18:45,282 --> 00:18:48,550
- "You are smart, smart, smart,
613
00:18:48,619 --> 00:18:49,951
but you are not so smart."
614
00:18:50,021 --> 00:18:53,288
- Oh.
[both laugh]
615
00:18:53,357 --> 00:18:54,556
What does that mean?
616
00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:56,091
- You're missing
the big picture.
617
00:18:56,159 --> 00:18:57,893
- How?
618
00:18:57,961 --> 00:18:59,494
- In the Torah, it teaches us
619
00:18:59,563 --> 00:19:02,698
that the highest form of wisdom
is kindness.
620
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:05,034
That is where you are smarter
than Mike.
621
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,702
And you can use that
against him.
622
00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:09,304
- Yeah, like in a race
or something.
623
00:19:09,373 --> 00:19:10,639
- Or you can Cain and Abel him
624
00:19:10,708 --> 00:19:12,641
and crack him over the head
with a rock.
625
00:19:12,710 --> 00:19:14,175
- [laughs]
626
00:19:14,177 --> 00:19:17,512
Ah, no.
I'm not gonna murder him.
627
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:18,580
Thanks though, Granny.
628
00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:20,115
I always wanted
a Jewish granny.
629
00:19:20,183 --> 00:19:22,251
- Of course.
630
00:19:22,319 --> 00:19:24,587
[speaks Hebrew]
631
00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:29,258
- Oh, wait.
632
00:19:29,326 --> 00:19:30,860
Think I have a better idea.
633
00:19:30,928 --> 00:19:35,064
[upbeat music]
634
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,198
- Hey.
Ike here?
635
00:19:37,268 --> 00:19:38,734
Said he had something important
to tell me.
636
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,936
- Oh, hey, Mike.
Thanks for coming.
637
00:19:41,004 --> 00:19:42,337
I just got some crazy news.
638
00:19:42,406 --> 00:19:44,673
We all took this DNA test
639
00:19:44,742 --> 00:19:46,608
and given
our recent transaction,
640
00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:49,010
I think you're gonna be
interested in the results.
641
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,479
- Sure.
642
00:19:50,548 --> 00:19:52,147
- Turns out the Crystal lineage
can be traced
643
00:19:52,215 --> 00:19:54,215
all the way back
to sixth-century Norway.
644
00:19:54,217 --> 00:19:55,551
- Wow, no way.
- Norway.
645
00:19:55,619 --> 00:19:56,952
- Anyway--
- Norway.
646
00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:58,353
- Go away.
- Right away.
647
00:19:58,422 --> 00:19:59,621
- Anyway,
648
00:19:59,623 --> 00:20:01,090
the Crystals are
direct descendants
649
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,891
of a Viking named Erik the Dum.
650
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,359
- Erik the Dum?
651
00:20:04,428 --> 00:20:06,428
- He's from the Moron region
of Norway.
652
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:10,432
And according to this,
Erik the Dum was a carrier
653
00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:13,969
of the gene PRDX22.
654
00:20:14,037 --> 00:20:17,573
That's also known
as "the dumb gene."
655
00:20:17,641 --> 00:20:18,574
- So what?
656
00:20:18,642 --> 00:20:20,041
I definitely don't have
a dumb gene.
657
00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:22,311
- Doesn't really matter, Mike.
I do.
658
00:20:22,379 --> 00:20:23,712
I just need you to know
659
00:20:23,781 --> 00:20:26,448
because your wife is carrying
my seed,
660
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:29,318
your kid is gonna have
the dumb gene.
661
00:20:29,386 --> 00:20:30,852
- Is this a joke?
662
00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:33,789
You expect me to believe
that there is a Erik the Dum
663
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:36,658
from the Moron region
of Norway?
664
00:20:36,727 --> 00:20:38,327
- We were all surprised too.
665
00:20:38,395 --> 00:20:40,129
- I'll just look it up.
666
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,197
[whispering]
Such an idiot.
667
00:20:42,265 --> 00:20:44,733
Ah.
"Erik the Dum."
668
00:20:44,802 --> 00:20:46,401
[laughs]
669
00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:47,937
"Erik the Dum,
670
00:20:48,005 --> 00:20:51,540
"a Viking from the Moron region
of Norway.
671
00:20:51,608 --> 00:20:54,343
"Widely perceived to be
the stupidest Viking
672
00:20:54,411 --> 00:20:56,812
ever to become--"
673
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,613
Holy shit.
674
00:20:58,682 --> 00:21:01,350
- Yeah.
Sorry, brother.
675
00:21:01,418 --> 00:21:03,552
- You idiot!
676
00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,687
You put your dumb genes
into my wife
677
00:21:05,689 --> 00:21:08,357
and condemned my kid
to a life of stupidity?
678
00:21:08,425 --> 00:21:09,558
I asked you for one thing
679
00:21:09,626 --> 00:21:11,292
and you screwed it up,
didn't you?
680
00:21:11,294 --> 00:21:13,228
Like you screw up
your entire life!
681
00:21:13,296 --> 00:21:14,363
- Whoa, man!
[all objecting]
682
00:21:14,431 --> 00:21:16,031
- It's okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
683
00:21:16,099 --> 00:21:18,299
Guys, guys, guys,
don't cross over into his zone.
684
00:21:18,301 --> 00:21:19,434
He's not worth it.
685
00:21:19,503 --> 00:21:20,635
- Oh, no, cross the line!
Come on!
686
00:21:20,704 --> 00:21:21,971
I'll take you all on!
687
00:21:22,039 --> 00:21:25,374
I'm a master
of Wishu Shishu karate!
688
00:21:25,442 --> 00:21:26,842
- You know what, Mike?
689
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:28,644
For years, you have been
treating me like dirt
690
00:21:28,712 --> 00:21:32,514
and all I've ever done
is been nice to you in return.
691
00:21:32,516 --> 00:21:34,449
That ends now.
692
00:21:34,518 --> 00:21:36,652
You know, I may not be
book smart
693
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,455
or word smart
or university smart like you,
694
00:21:40,524 --> 00:21:41,857
but guess what?
695
00:21:41,925 --> 00:21:43,725
I'm hose smart, axe smart,
696
00:21:43,794 --> 00:21:46,327
fire truck driving smart, Mike.
697
00:21:46,329 --> 00:21:48,129
And guess what?
698
00:21:48,199 --> 00:21:50,265
I'm also just a nice person.
699
00:21:50,334 --> 00:21:52,334
- Wow.
I gotta write that one down.
700
00:21:52,403 --> 00:21:53,869
It's brilliant.
701
00:21:53,937 --> 00:21:56,005
- A very good friend of mine
once said to me,
702
00:21:56,073 --> 00:21:59,341
"The highest form of wisdom
703
00:21:59,343 --> 00:22:00,676
is kindness."
704
00:22:00,744 --> 00:22:02,678
My friend, that makes you
705
00:22:02,746 --> 00:22:04,946
one of the stupidest people
I know.
706
00:22:04,948 --> 00:22:06,448
- Whatever.
707
00:22:07,551 --> 00:22:10,519
By the way,
you suck at making puns.
708
00:22:12,223 --> 00:22:13,889
- You know what, Mike?
709
00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:16,491
You suck...
710
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,227
at making sons.
711
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:21,897
all: Oh!
712
00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:22,964
- Yes!
713
00:22:23,034 --> 00:22:24,233
- That's a rhyme.
That's a rhyme.
714
00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:25,634
It's not a--
- Yeah!
715
00:22:25,703 --> 00:22:27,569
[all cheering]
716
00:22:27,571 --> 00:22:29,038
- Say hi to Mom for me.
717
00:22:29,106 --> 00:22:30,505
- Me too.
718
00:22:30,574 --> 00:22:31,907
- Whoo!
- [laughs]
719
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:33,642
- Oh, man.
- That was awesome.
720
00:22:33,711 --> 00:22:35,577
- Oh, man, you came up
with that, like, so--
721
00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:36,978
- Yeah, I just thought of it
and I was like--
722
00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:39,180
- Fast.
- Puns, puns, puns, think.
723
00:22:39,182 --> 00:22:40,449
Oh, okay, I'm doing it wrong
now, but--
724
00:22:40,517 --> 00:22:42,384
- Oh, no, you got it.
- Wow.
725
00:22:42,453 --> 00:22:44,453
- Hook, line, and blinker, man.
726
00:22:44,521 --> 00:22:45,721
[all agreeing]
- Yeah. Definitely.
727
00:22:45,789 --> 00:22:47,188
Yeah.
- Right?
728
00:22:47,258 --> 00:22:48,891
- I know, it's almost like
the flashlight is on.
729
00:22:54,698 --> 00:22:55,964
- That's a fat violin.
730
00:22:56,033 --> 00:22:58,500
- Guys.
My brother texted me.
731
00:22:58,569 --> 00:22:59,968
Turns out
the pregnancy didn't take.
732
00:23:00,037 --> 00:23:01,704
His wife's not pregnant.
[both cheering]
733
00:23:01,772 --> 00:23:02,905
- Yeah, yeah!
- Nice!
734
00:23:02,973 --> 00:23:04,373
- Apparently, my sperm went
735
00:23:04,441 --> 00:23:05,708
right into her spleen
or something.
736
00:23:05,776 --> 00:23:07,376
[laughter]
737
00:23:07,444 --> 00:23:09,511
- So wait, what's up
with those test results?
738
00:23:09,580 --> 00:23:10,845
- Oh, no, it's fake.
739
00:23:10,915 --> 00:23:12,447
We made it all up
just to piss my brother off.
740
00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:13,716
- Man.
741
00:23:13,784 --> 00:23:14,783
What about
that Checkipedia page then?
742
00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:16,051
- It's fake.
Yeah.
743
00:23:16,053 --> 00:23:17,720
Granny created a fake page.
744
00:23:17,788 --> 00:23:20,855
- Oh, my goodness.
What about the dumb gene?
745
00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:22,124
- We made everything up.
746
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,459
- What about Moron, Norway?
What about that?
747
00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:25,794
- None of it is real, Andy.
748
00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:27,129
- I still don't get it.
749
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:28,663
- When is this
gonna fix itself, Andy?
750
00:23:28,733 --> 00:23:30,265
- You get used to it.
[laughs]
751
00:23:30,267 --> 00:23:33,201
[laughter]
752
00:23:33,270 --> 00:23:34,669
- Oh, man.
- All right, guys.
753
00:23:34,739 --> 00:23:36,805
Who's ready for Peaches Penisi?
754
00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:38,473
[all cheering]
755
00:23:38,475 --> 00:23:39,408
- What?
756
00:23:39,476 --> 00:23:41,009
Looks amazing!
- Wow!
757
00:23:41,078 --> 00:23:43,211
- Fork?
- Thank you.
758
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,813
- Hey, Chief, do you want some?
- Oh, no.
759
00:23:44,881 --> 00:23:47,616
It's too sweet for my teeth.
760
00:23:47,684 --> 00:23:48,817
- Okay.
761
00:23:48,885 --> 00:23:50,753
You don't know
what you're missing.
762
00:23:54,425 --> 00:23:55,624
- Oh, my teeth!
763
00:23:55,692 --> 00:23:57,892
Oh, this kills.
- What's the matter?
764
00:23:57,962 --> 00:23:59,227
- Dad, is this
what it feels like
765
00:23:59,296 --> 00:24:00,495
to have sensitive teeth?
766
00:24:00,497 --> 00:24:01,964
- They feel sensitive? Really?
- Oh, yeah.
767
00:24:02,032 --> 00:24:03,698
Maybe you could coach me
through it?
768
00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:05,634
- Oh, okay.
I have special toothpaste,
769
00:24:05,702 --> 00:24:07,169
I could share it with you.
- Great.
770
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:08,370
- Hold on.
771
00:24:08,439 --> 00:24:12,040
[upbeat music]
772
00:24:12,109 --> 00:24:13,576
- This is so freaking
delicious.
773
00:24:13,644 --> 00:24:15,177
- You old softy.
I know what you did.
774
00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:17,512
- I guess
that's my McConky side.
775
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:18,913
- Yeah.
You know what?
776
00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:20,249
Who wants more Peaches Penisi?
777
00:24:20,317 --> 00:24:23,252
[all talking at once]
778
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:27,356
♪
57976
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