Original subtitles

[psychedelic music]

- Hello, my darlings,

it's Foxie LaDay.

Don't forget, it's my way or the highway, okay?

Today, we're gonna be talking about self protection

for us ladies while we're going out on a jog. Uh-huh.

I wanna do some shameless self promotion, okay?

Look at this hat.

This hat is foxtrot hat.

It's going for $25 a pop on my website.

And also, check out my new outfit.

Oooh.

[rolls tongue] Armani, yes!

Jealous, much?

But I digress.

In all seriousness, ladies,

do not be one of those dumbasses

who goes out jogging on their own,

without any self protection.

Do you really wanna be another case

of a girl gone missing?

Not me, mamas, okay?

So please, go get yourself some pepper spray,

but don't get a gun

because that's ghetto.

Mmm-hmm.

And it's just a bad accident waiting to happen, okay?

But for me, I got something a little bit extra.

Check this out.

Huh!

Huh!

This mini katana,

AKA samurai sword,

was given to me by a real sensei, mmm-hmm,

while I was modeling in Tokyo.

It's true, your girl doesn't just talk the talk,

she walks the walk.

[making percussive sounds]

Now, please, do not, I repeat, do not

attempt this unless you are me.

And last time I checked, you ain't me, okay!

You are not me. [laughs]

Now check out these slick moves.

[sword brushing] [wind sounds]

- Ha! Find a couple barrels of sodium hydroxide

to dissolve a corpse in?

I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Dr. Sado might like that too much. [sighs]

Now, keeping this sexy coif perfect

in this scooter wind.

That, there, is the real challenge.

[sword swiping through air]

Hey, look Ma, no hands! [laughing]

[sword swiping through air]

[baby crying]

[scooter motor]

[wind sounds]

[scooter motor]

[wind sounds]

[squelching sound]

O-M-F-G!

Her perfectly moisturized skin,

soft, silky hair with just the right amount of bounce.

Oh! And that lip shade is to fucking die for.

Oh. I guess she did.

[suspicious music]

Crap, getting blood stains outta this shirt

is gonna be brutal.

Crap. I gotta swing outta here real quick.

[breathing heavily]

Oh, wait! I can use that new ride share discount voucher!

[sighs] Yes! Thank Abraxis, there's a car super close!

[car motor]

[door opening]

♪ - I'm singing in the ride!

♪ I'm singing in the ride!

♪ Welcome to my Hyundai

♪ it's a beautiful Sunday

♪ Would you like the windows down? ♪

[sighs] ♪ Or perhaps

♪ the air conditioner on

♪ Or maybe you can charge your phone ♪

♪ you need a mint while I drive you home? ♪

♪ Or to the theater

♪ Or someplace else, like a

♪ wart removal interview

- Uh, hey.

♪ - [Driver] I see you used the voucher ♪

I'd hate to be a downer ♪

♪ but it's only good for one use ♪

♪ That's my excuse

♪ Don't blame me

♪ It's the company

♪ If you'd like to file a formal complaint ♪

♪ you can go on the website

♪ and click the menu button

♪ on the third option down

- [sighs] For crying out loud,

dude, listen!

I'm in a massive hurry,

and if you could just get me

to my office real quick,

I wouldn't be against getting you

some free La Mer samples.

♪ - Don't be rude

♪ My face is a dream

♪ No crows feet here

♪ I don't need you face cream

♪ I'm only fucking 23

♪ And I don't drink that much

♪ And I wear sunscreen

- [Iggy] Listen,

I'd offer you cash,

but I don't even carry it anymore on me, bro.

I mean, it's loaded with bacteria.

You could even get an STD from it.

How about I send you $20 through PayBro, no fees.

[calming music] [sighs]

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Uh, just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- [sighs] Just pay me, bro.

- [Announcer] PayBro! No fees!

- PayBro, why didn't you say so?

Brace yourself.

[engine revving] [brakes squeaking]

[sexy music]

- [Man] Got an itch?

Do you need relief?

- Scratch.

Scratch.

- [Man] Scratch your troubles away.

- Scratch.

- [Man] Come down to the Scratch Bar.

Choose your own sexy scratcher.

[moaning]

Have a drink while you're at it.

- Scratch.

- [Man] ScratchBarr.

ScratchBarr. - Scratch.

[news bulletin music]

- Da fuck?

God, I was really enjoying that ScratchBarr commercial,

you know, I gotta itch that needs to get scratched.

- This just in.

A horrific and bloody scene of murder

has taken place in a local neighborhood park.

The decapitated body of a woman jogger

was discovered by shocked residents earlier today.

Police have identified the corpse

as popular blogger and model, Foxie LaDay.

Her head has yet to be found.

[laughs]

[door opening]

- Hey, whaddya got there, Boo?

- I just got a sick deal on some yellowtail.

They ran out of plastic bags.

It's better for the sea turtles, anyway.

These stains will come out with some lemon juice.

- Ooh, yummy.

I love yellowtail.

I could go for some sushi.

[breathing heavily]

- I must keep her alive.

I mean, just for her immaculate complexion alone.

[silly scientific music]

You know, I learn so much good shit

from Dr. Sado.

It's a shame she got bored of biochem

and decided to pursue a career in behavioral psych.

She would have made a bitchin' mad scientist.

Well, here goes nothing.

[laughing]

I am such a badass!

This evil genius just saved the day.

[sneezing]

The fuck was that?

- I'm a lamp.

The mistress thought I would be

more useful this way.

- Look, you didn't see anything, did you?

- I'm a lamp.

An insignificant nothing of a lamp.

A disgusting, depraved lamp.

I serve my mistress.

- Yeah, I know you're a pathetic worm and all that,

but you didn't see any bloody, decapitated head, did you?

Dr. Sado would, for sure,

shrink this head for her collection if she found out.

- Well, maybe for a little hand job,

I might shut up for a minute,

you know what I'm saying?

I'll [farting noise]

- Oh, dude, the things I do for love!

[door opening]

Lavender oil works its miracles again.

Got the goo out, it's naturally antibiotic,

[inhales] [sighs]

and my hands smell fresh as fuck.

- What the fuck is up with this new microwave?

I mean, my burrito's still not ready!

- No!

- No!

- No!

- What the fuck?

- Look. I just ordered some tacos.

If you go meet the delivery guy in reception,

I'll give you half.

I just have to do something for Dr. Sado in here.

- The fuck, they better be from Tito's.

- Of course, of course.

Better hurry, or you'll miss them

- [Woman] Yeah, yeah, go jerk off

your fucking new microwave, Mary.

- Okay, Temptress, here's your damn tacos.

Oh, this taco app is amazing!

What a time saver!

- [laughing]

And now for the full treatment, Miss Betsy,

if that is your real name.

Minus the 10% because you brought in the coupon [laughs]

[horror sounds] [laughing]

- [Betsy] Let me die.

- I am!

I'm making you die.

You're dying because of me.

Hello? I'm murdering you, stupid.

- [Betsy] If only you knew

what it's like to be like this.

- What? I'm no switch.

I do the touching around here, Dumbo.

Are you talking back to me?

- No.

- Well then, who the hell is?

[laughing]

[doorknob turning]

Who's in there?

- [Iggy] [stammering] It's just me!

I'm preparing a corpse for incineration.

- Well, who's that lady voice I heard?

- [Iggy] Oh, that?

I just bought a myna bird.

It's super smart. It can even say a few phrases.

- What? I don't want any disgusting birds in here.

They shit all over the place.

- [Iggy] Oh, uh-oh, sorry.

I guess I'll have to return it tomorrow,

but don't open the door! It'll fly out.

- If I get the bird flu, I'm docking your salary!

- [Iggy] Don't worry, it's had its shots!

- Listen, I need you out here

to help clean up after this patient.

She was a real bleeder.

- [Iggy] Uh, okay. Be right out.

Let me put this bird back in its cage.

[grunting]

[heart monitor noises]

- You murdered me.

- Are you kidding?

That was totes an accident.

Plus, who goes jogging with a katana anyway?

Shh, shh, hang in there, my love.

I will make you complete again.

I will find you a new body.

- You're not gonna find one as good as the one that I had!

I mean, I was smokin', you know?

- Is that a challenge?

'Cause girl, you know I'm good

at making the impossible, possible.

I brought you back to life, didn't I?

- [sighs] You mean, you took away my bodacious body.

Mother!

- [Iggy] Geez, talk about seeing the glass half empty.

You know, you seem a little agitated.

- Yeah.

- Why don't I just give you an Ambien

to chill you out a bit?

[sputtering]

- Oh, shit.

- Shh. Sleep, my darling.

Rest and grow stronger.

I know exactly where to find your new body.

- I'll cut you.

[club music]

- She is perfect.

This oughta get her attention.

- Hey, cutie, what's up with the gloves?

- Oh, I always wear surgical gloves

in places like this.

Everything's covered in bacteria.

Especially the cash.

- Surgical gloves? What are you, a doctor or something?

- [laughs] Well, I did just perform

a pretty magnificent operation.

- I knew it.

A classic guy like you could flip any chick in the house,

and a doctor, no less.

- Is there a doctor in the house?

'Cause I'm in need of some mouth to mouth.

- You've got some nerve.

- Look who's talking.

- Why don't you beat your wings back to the bar

with the rest of the flies?

- Keep your G-string on.

- Get lost.

- Hey, little boy, don't hide.

Dontcha know you've got the kind of face

a girl wouldn't mind sitting on?

Even out front, all the girls are asking about you.

- Get out of here.

Don't you know two's a company,

three's a crowd?

- Eat your heart out, bitch.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah!

- Look, listen ladies.

We're getting all kinds of unwanted attention right now,

the kind of attention I totally don't need right now.

So I'm just gonna swing outta here.

- Oh, what for?

Look what you've done.

Once in a blue moon, I land a classy guy like that,

and you fuck it up.

- What made you think you had him?

He wouldn't have you on a bet.

- God, that sucked. There were way too many witnesses.

- [Blonde Stripper] You 3rd rate stripper!

- [sighs] Sometimes I wish I wasn't

such a fine piece of ass.

[crowd cheering]

Stripper fight!

[door opening]

[gasps]

- Well, Iggy,

did you enjoy your little body snatching excursion?

- Aw, furniture dude!

How could you rat me out like that?

- You think this stinky piece of furniture

is the reason I found about

your secret little experiment?

And by the way, hit the showers after this,

you're smelling really musty for some reason.

- Yes, Mistress.

- Iggy, you should never forget

that I always know what's going on.

I'm a genius mastermind.

I see everything.

And I don't appreciate being disobeyed or lied to.

- I swear, I was going to tell you!

I just needed more time.

- Enough!

You know, Iggy, as I've been sitting here waiting for you,

I've been thinking a little.

You're not a totally incompetent henchman.

You've done some good things around here.

You got those low wattage LED bulbs, for one thing.

So this time, I'm gonna look the other way.

- [sighs] Thank you, Dr. Sado,

you're the best boss ever!

- Yes, it's okay

because your pretty little bodiless friend

has made an excellent addition

to my shrunken head collection.

[screaming and crying]

- I was so into her!

Her skin was so flawless!

And those brows were on fleek!

- Go, ahead, Iggy,

take a look at your shriveled up girlfriend head.

- Oh no, I can't bear to look!

- Do it!

[evil laughter]

You shut up!

I didn't tell you to laugh!

- Yes, Mistress.

[chewing]

- Well, I've had my fun and games, Iggy.

I was just pulling your leg.

But at least you have a leg to pull. [laughing]

You can keep your little pet if it amuses you,

but you cannot give her a body.

I don't want her getting up and walking out of here

and telling the cops.

- [sighs] Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. Sado!

- But I'm still docking your pay.

[intense music]

- Wake up, sleepyhead. Wake up.

- So, you got me a body?

- Well, not exactly.

There was a bit of a snafu.

But I do have some good news though.

Dr. Seda said you can stay here

as long as you don't have a body.

- You good for nothing,

delusional dumbass,

dorky ass fuck,

hipster smug ass-- - Trust me,

trust me,

you're gonna love this new you.

Think about all the crazy perks.

You can eat all the carbs you want,

and you'll never gain an ounce.

Plus, you'll never, ever have to lift another finger again.

- [crying] Finger.

- Aww, honey,

those tears are gonna evaporate

and dry out your skin.

And you know what that leads to.

Wrinkles, so cut it out.

Huh? Goodnight.

- I'm gonna get my revenge!

[heart monitor beeping] [Foxie sobbing]

- Stay tuned for more horrific and perverted adventures

of Dr. Sado and her obscene cabal in

Sado Psychiatrist.

[evil laughter]