Original subtitles

[eerie electronic music]

[clock ticking]

[Dr. Sado mumbling]

[alarm buzzes]

- [Receptionist] Dr. Sado, your next patient's here.

- Tell him to come in.

[spacey electronic music]

- Hello, cock-tor, I mean, doctor.

I must have cum on my face.

I mean, my dick in a vase.

I mean, I stink like a musty old space.

No, no, no, I mean,

this must be the place.

- Hello, Mr. Johnson.

Have a seat, I'll be right with you.

- Uh, I guess I'll have a seat with my boner.

I mean, rest my weary old bones.

[tense electronic music]

[Dr. Sado grumbles]

[tense electronic music]

[funky music]

♪ You like that

- Well, Mr. Johnson, I'm glad you sought out

professional help to find some relief

from your debilitating syndrome.

I know there was a stigma attached

to your sexual illness,

and you are understandably reluctant

to risk talking about it.

- Uh, I think there might be a little mistake here.

You see, I got this coupon from the newspaper

for hypnotherapy.

And I'm just here to start shit-poking,

I mean, quit smoking.

It's a really bad habit I picked up

at the, uh, animal hospital. [clicks tongue]

- The newspaper, you say?

[laughs]

I only advertise in smutty magazines.

You can't kid a kidder, Mr. Johnson.

I have seen it all.

Every psychosis in the book has walked through that door.

You are a ticking time bomb!

A sexually-psychotic monster is hiding

behind your smoking habit!

- You know, that's really interesting.

It's intriguing really.

But I'm just here to start stroking.

I mean, cock choking.

Just here to quit smoking.

And you know, I've tried everything

from eatin' teen snatch.

I mean, the nicotine patch.

Been screwin' bums.

[stammering] Shooting cum.

I mean, the gum.

Chewing the gum.

- Classic oral fixation with severe denial.

My guess is you never told anybody

about your embarrassing perversions

or that you've made this appointment.

- No, hold on there, honey.

I'm just here to quit smoking cigarettes.

And I don't need to tell mygaggle of gash where I'm going.

I'm queer as a bear, I mean, free as a bird.

- I get it.

You probably want to be free from that gaggle of gash,

but I think you know, deep down inside,

they're not gonna give you what you really need.

- Hey, is that, uh, your meat on my thigh?

I mean, is the heat on high?

'Cause I'm startin' to sweat like a sinner

in church in here, you know what I'm sayin'?

- This is not a church.

[tense electronic music]

But it is the perfect place for worship.

Let me start the psychoanalysis, Mr. Johnson.

Give it a go.

You might get a laugh out of it.

Let me guide you to emotional maturity.

- You know, I could use a little introspection,

as long as I can start fuckin' like a rabbit.

I mean, curtail my urge to grab it.

I mean, quit this four-pack-a-day habit.

- That is a very healthy attitude, Mr. Johnson.

Let's play a little game, eh?

I'm going to show you a series of cards.

It'll give me a starting point to determine

what engrams are inhabiting your dirty, little psyche.

Just say the first thing that comes into your head.

- Well, that's my mom and my little sister.

How am I doing?

- Very good, Mr. Johnson, let's continue.

- Uh, that's a doggy.

Ruff, ruff.

- Do you like it rough, Mr. Johnson?

- Well, I do like to play with my balls.

I mean, play touch football with the bros.

- Ah, the sensual caress of male camaraderie.

- Huh?

- Here's another card.

- Whoa, hey, not into that.

- Don't hold back, Mr. Johnson.

What did you think of when you saw the picture?

- Oh, it's the porn.

It's the [stammering] gay porn.

But I'm into scat.

I mean, I'm not into that.

- I see, repressed sexual dysfunction.

A very serious case.

- You know, I think I just need to go feel a peter.

I mean, feed the meter.

- You sit down!

We are not complete with the treatment, Mr. Johnson.

[Dr. Sado inhales]

You know, the ancient people did not have

serious psychiatric problems like yours, Mr. Johnson.

The primeval tribes used traumatic initiation ritual

to bring the individual into a fully adult state.

Nowadays, rituals like these have vanished,

leaving people like you as ill-formed,

wandering lost souls in a complex technological society.

And we have to pick up the pieces using psychoanalysis.

[Dr. Sado exhales]

[Mr. Johnson blowing raspberries]

Tantric toad toxin is used by sorcerers

to bring the individual into a state

of conscious paralysis.

The dose I administered is a light one, Mr. Johnson,

just enough to immobilize you for further treatment.

[laughing]

Temptress, will you come in here please?

I need to make sure this patient stays put.

You know what to bring.

[door creaking]

- I just got my nails done.

Oh, unless you want me to chip one.

- Oh, I meant the heavy-duty shackles.

- But you used those on Mr. Sheldon last week.

How am I supposed to read your mind?

- I'm sorry, Temptress.

No hobbling today.

It's just that I need this chain-smoker all chained up.

Will you not do the honors?

- Pretty girls like me shouldn't have

to do hard work like that.

- Oh, dear darling goddess,you are so good at what you do,

and I love to watch you do it.

Tell you what, I'm going to get you that Tiffany necklace

you've been drooling over.

- All right, I'll be right back.

[Dr. Sado groans]

- Oh, what wonderfully horrifying visions

you must be having right now.

[whispering]

[dark ambient music]

- Where the hell am I?

Oh!

[screams]

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, get up, you bum.

We gotta go feed the meter.

[witch doctor laughs]

- [Witch Doctor] Mm, poison, poison, poison.

- Are you talkin' about that shitty hair band from the 80s?

- No, you fool, it's actual poison.

What do you have against that band anyways?

- I can't stand 'em.

They're pure garbage.

- What do you mean?

"Every Rose Has Its Thorn" is so heart-wrenching,

and that Bret Michaels is so dreamy.

- What am I, in hell?

♪ Every rose has its thorn

♪ Just like every night has its dawn ♪

- Please kill me.

- Don't get too hasty now.

[ululating wildly]

[tense tribal music]

Your soul is mine.

Your soul is captured, and you'll work for all eternity,

work for free in women's clothing.

- This is getting way too weird.

I think I need to go homo, I mean, I need to home.

- You're not going anywhere, little man.

[ululating wildly]

[synth warbling]

- What the hell is happening?

[laughing]

[shivering]

[laughing]

This isn't what I was thinking

when I wanted to see a shrink!

[chuckling]

[door creaking]

[tense atmospheric music]

- Cool.

It's time to buckle up, baby girl.

The fun's about to begin.

- And the nipple nodes, too, why won't you?

- Oh, yeah, my favorite part.

[Temptress moans]

Okay, I hope you're a pain pig,

because teeth usually shoot all over the room

during this next treatment.

But those stinky little endless chompers

could sure use an upgrade though.

What the fuck?

Do you even brush?

- And the ball gag, too.

We don't want to arouse the neighbors.

- Here comes the choo-choo.

Open up, big boy.

Oh yeah.

Oh, good boy.

[knocking]

[zany synth warbling]

- Who could it be?

[door creaking]

[ominous music]

[woman screaming]

- Aw, I'm so sorry I'm late.

The 405 was just backed all the way from El Segundo,

and then Waze put me onto some funky side street

with all this construction.

And I was about to tear my hear out,

but then I remember Moroccan oil's like 15 bucks an ounce.

- Heavy traffic at the drive-through, huh?

It's all right, Iggy.

You're just in time for the fireworks,

but I'm still docking your pay.

[feet shuffling]

What's with the limp?

- Oh, I just run a half-marathon, and my toes are brutal.

Oh, I see you have another victim,

I mean, unfortunate case,

a terminal discharge, as it were.

[laughing]

- This one's not dead just yet.

I'm gonna use him for his fun around the house,

but first, he needs to be buried alive.

I'm sure he can find a suitable mausoleum

to lay him out for a couple of days.

- You know, I can do just about anything,

as long as there's an app.

But why not just take him to the garden,

you know, cover him with some mulch?

Might do wonders for that dry pasty complexion.

[knocking]

Hello?

Have you ever heard ofbiomemetic protective day cream?

- I want to keep him as clean as possible.

After all, he's going to be my new maid.

Can you imagine him all prettied up

and stuck in some garters strolling around my house

with a feather duster?

[laughing]

- Talk about domestic abuse.

- Oh damn, there's a Bigfoot sighting up in here.

Someone's packin'.

Mm-hmm.

- Are you ready for a life of servitude

to your new mistress?

You disgusting little worm!

- You know, the manual labor will do you good, bro.

You'll be looking like a legit Dwayne the Rock Johnson

in no time.

- Iggy, put the nodes on hisstupid, perverted, little head.

[laughing]

Temptress, will you stop stroking his junk

just for a second to help me with the machine?

- Fine.

- It's so wonderful, I love you so much.

[ominous music]

And now, for the full treatment, Mr. Johnson,

minus the 10% because he brought in the coupon.

Uh, you ran the credit card, right?

- Uh huh.

- With the chip reader?

- Yeah, yeah, with the damn chip reader!

- All right, I'm just sayin' those fees add up.

- Well, why don't you just use PayBro?

You know, no fees.

And plus, you'll have more for my Christmas bonus, boss.

[laughing]

- Get out of here.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Hey, just pay me, bro.

- [chuckles] Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- [chuckles] Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- Just pay me, bro.

- [Announcer] PayBro, no fees.

- Guys.

Let's fry this bitch.

[vibrator buzzes]

- All right, all right.

And now for the full treatment, Mr. Johnson.

The electroshock will be sure to dislodge

any repressed feelings.

[laughing]

[vibrator buzzing]

You aren't kiddin', Mr. Johnson.

You do have a serious smoking problem.

[laughing]

Oh, this is too good.

Temptress, will you not get the marshmallows?

- Ooh, yummy, Scooby Snacks.

Be right back.

- You sure do know how to create

a positive work environment, Dr. Sado.

- Well, you know, it's good practice

to have an office party once in a while,

especially when the atmosphere is just so electric.

[laughing]

[device honking]

Oh no, I burnt mine.

- Oh.

[light wacky music]

[bell chimes]

- Johnson!

[bell chimes]

Johnson!

- Ew, that's so gross.

[bell chimes]

- Johnson!

- Yes, Mistress?

- Clean these dishes, you dirty whore!

- Uh, yes, Mistress.

[dishes clattering]

[faucet running]

[dog barking]

- Hurry it up, come on!

Get goin', guy.

Get goin'!

Welcome, mistresses, to my monthly dominatrix party.

I am so happy you two are both here.

As you can see, I have a new slave.

He's been doing a terrible job, and I was wondering

if both of you could, uh, break him in a little bit.

You first, Mistress Liz.

- Oh, my pleasure.

Open your mouth!

Spit that out!

That's a good sissy bitch.

Mistress Dee Dee?

- Thank you.

You think you're ready for the world, you worthless nothing?

Well, you're fucking not.

[laughing]

- He was breathing out of a straw 20 feet long.

I ended up pouring three tons of concrete into that hole.

Can you believe that? [laughing]

- It's so hard to find a good sub these days.

- Oh, tell me about it. - Ain't that the truth?

- Can you believe Slavedong is still trying

to stick that spatula up his ass?

- Again? - Ridiculous.

- You guys know that pisser I was telling you about?

Well, last week, when I was cutting

through his latex diaper, he had the nerve to complain

that I was cutting through his skin.

He's really gonna get it next time.

- He deserves it. - Mm-hmm.

- Well, that reminds me there's a new gelato place

that opened up down the street.

Are you girls game?

- Yes.

- Let's get some gelato.

- All right, Johnson, I'm putting this over on the table

because it's an heirloom.

I don't want you to ruin it, 'cause you're so awful.

You assume the position until we get back.

[door slams]

[tense music]

- Hi, I'm Galactica Darkstar.

Welcome to the Whorecast for the New Nihilistic Reality.

Today, I'd like you to imagine

that you're at your 20th high school reunion,

and the most popular boy from your high school class

walks up to you and says,

"Galactica, what happened?

"You got so pretty."

And you say,

"I'm a sexy yin-yang, motherfucker!"

- Ah, yeah.

- I'm sorry, I didn't want you to cry.

Don't cry.

I want you to smile.

Smile!

You're so pretty when you smile.

Goodbye.

[upbeat music]

- Oh yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

Did you order a 15-inch salami?

- Actually, I ordered a pizza.

- Oh, well, I've got this 15-inch salami right here.

Are you sure you don't want this?

- Actually, I had my heart set on a pizza, though.

- I mean, are you sure you don't want this salami?

It's nice and rock hard.

- Hmm, sure, let's fuck.

[chuckling]

- Ah, thank you, Dr. Sado.

I haven't craved a cigarette since the treatment.

I'm cured!

Oh yeah!

Look at that!

[slurping]

Come on!

[laughing]

Aha, yeah, ah, that's hot.

- [Announcer] Stay tuned for more horrific

and perverted adventures of Dr. Sado

and her obscene cabal in Sado Psychiatrist.

[laughs]

[tense electronic music]