All language subtitles for Review s02e01_English

Life--it's literally
all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer,

but I don't review

food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

*

Over here.

*

Hello and welcome to Review.

Whatever life experience
you're curious about,

I will do it,
and then I will review it.

I'm Forrest MacNeil,
back for more life,

and how exciting
to be reunited

with the world's greatest
review assignment reader,

A.J. Gibbs.

Hello, Forrest.

- Welcome back.
- Thank you, A.J.

Now let's face it, our first
season was not easy on me.

- I will end you!
- Oh!

You killed my father
in outer space?

- Oh!
- Jack!

What's it like
to get a divorce?

You are gonna die alone,
so get out of here.

(Forrest)
When the season was over,

I spent some time
lost in the wilderness,

despairing over what seemed
to be

the pointless destruction
of my life.

[sobbing]
Why?

But then I read the inspiring
letters, tweets, and emails

from my viewers,

and I saw that this show

gives meaning to my life
and yours.

The destruction of my life

was anything but pointless.

Now, in order to ensure
that my life

doesn't go to hell again
as I live on your behalf,

I will now be permitted
to veto two reviews

here in our Veto Booth.

[dramatic music]

Now, without any further ado,

let us find out the first review
of season two.

* Do, do-do-do

Do, do-do-do.
Yes.

Our very first review comes
from Colleen in Eugene, Oregon.

Hi, Forrest.

I'm at a Zen retreat right now.

What's it like to get
into a bare-knuckle brawl?

A bare-knuckle brawl?
Wow.

Yeah. You want to dodge
this one, Forrest?

Is it veto time
already?

[dramatic music]

No.
No, thank you, A.J.

Life has knocked me down,
and I'm ready to get back up

and fight.

After the difficulties
of last season,

I moved into my boyhood home
with my lonely father,

a perfect place to embark
on this review,

since the last time
I lived here,

I was of an age when conflicts
were often settled

with fisticuffs.

Now this young man,

me, had absolutely
no interest

in fighting at all.

I opted to avoid
such confrontations

either by running away
or changing schools.

As a matter of fact,
slugging my producer, Grant,

at the end of last season is the
first punch I've ever thrown.

- [grunting]
(all) Oh!

And I have a feeling
my second punch

is not too far off.

I'll call you if I need
a ride home, all right?

I'll come and get you,
and don't slam the door.

I didn't.

[dramatic music]

I set out to find someone
to whom I could serve

one or both
of my knuckle sandwiches,

but everywhere I went,
perfectly decent people

were going about their lives,

failing to provoke
a righteous pummeling.

[horn honks]

[exhales deeply]

*

Aha.

Well, this man just cut me
in line for the ATM.

Now I have a reason to start

a bare-knuckle brawl.

Ahem.

Excuse me.

- I was next for that ATM.
- Just--

- [grunts]
- Oh, [bleep]! Wow, wow.

That really hurts.

That's something
I had not considered,

how much it hurts me
to punch somebody.

Obviously it hurts when
you're getting punched, but--

Ah!

[gunshots]

- Oh, [bleep]! [bleep]!
[people screaming]

[bleep]! [bleep]!
Oh.

- Yeah, I just shot somebody.
- [bleep], [bleep]!

- Why?
- I don't know.

I got scared, okay?

Just shut up for a minute.
Let me think, Mom.

[siren wails]
- Yes, it happened again, okay?

Forrest?

You getting this?

Forrest?

[dramatic music]

(Forrest)
Having been shot three times
with a gun,

I underwent emergency surgery
to save my life.

The extreme blood loss
caused me to slip into a coma,

which I can only describe
as restful.

Review footage allows me
to appreciate

that I received many visitors
in my unconscious state,

including my producer, Grant,

and my executive assistant,
Lucille,

who struggled to put
their concern into words.

What if we, like,
put a pillow on his face

and pretended
we were smothering him?

I mean, we would be
smothering him,

but we'd take the pillow off,
obviously.

Would he fight for life?

(Forrest)
My intern, Josh, stopped by
with his new girlfriend, Tina.

They behaved regrettably
during their visit.

I was touched to see that even
my estranged ex-wife stopped by,

and despite the presence
of this show's cameras,

almost entered my room.

But most frequently by my side
were my father

and my nurse, Marisa,
who was holding my hand

when I miraculously emerged
from two months in a coma.

Excuse me,
I was next for that ATM.

- Bicycle.
- Very good.

(Forrest)
Marisa stayed by my side

down the long road
to recovery.

Conspiracy.

Bridge.

(Forrest)
And I'm happy to say that
we struck up

a bit of a romance.

(Marisa)
That's good.

(Forrest)
Learning to walk again was

one of the greatest challenges
of my life,

but Marisa's cheerful,
nurturing presence

gave me something
to walk toward.

There you are.

(Forrest)
Over time, we shared
our fears and struggles,

and I vowed to get
strong enough

to hold Marisa up
as she now held me,

or as she put it one day
during therapy...

I heal you,

you heal me.

[both laugh]

- Thank you.
- I'm so proud of you.

- God, Forrest, you almost died.
- Yes.

Are you starting to think
that maybe you should have

stayed in hiding
and not come back to Review?

Quite the opposite, A.J.

A near-death experience
has a way

of focusing the mind on what's
really important in life,

and I feel more certain
than ever before

that what's important
in my life is this work.

Wow.

And I certainly didn't think
that my fists

would lead me
to a new girlfriend.

So allow me to weigh
the good and the bad things

that come
from a bare-knuckle brawl

and give it
a very balanced 2 1/2 stars.

[triumphant music]

This next one is an email
from Ahmed

in East Lansing, Michigan.

- East Lansing?
- Can you believe it?

Yes.

- Blackmail?
- Blackmail.

My goodness.
Wow.

Okay, well, uh,

it looks like I am about
to enter the rather shady world

of using people's secrets
against them.

Here I go.

(Josh)
And then I'd just be like,

"Listen, you put $500 million
in the garbage can,

"or Mr. MacNeil's gonna tell
the whole world

about you,
you [bleep] pervert."

- Yes. Okay.
- Yeah.

So what dirt do you have
on Queen Elizabeth?

I mean...

I don't--
I don't really have anything.

(Forrest)
My staff and I
scoured the Internet

for damaging information
about prominent public figures,

but we came up empty.

I realized I would need
to capitalize on secrets

I already possessed.

Lucille, two weeks ago Friday,

I saw you out
canoodling with a man,

not your boyfriend, Gordon.

Really thin guy
in a baggy pair of jeans?

Yeah.
That was him.

It would really be a shame

if Gordon were to find out
about that.

It was Gordon.

He just had
lap band surgery.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Well, he looks great.

(Forrest)
That night, my darling Marisa

slept peacefully
in my childhood bed,

but my concern over this review
made sleep impossible

and a few extra painkillers
necessary.

It was then that I realized

I did know someone
with a damaging secret.

Marisa had a habit
of helping herself

to her patients'
leftover pills.

No amount of painkillers
could anesthetize me

from what I would have
to do next.

My cousin Dede just got back
from the Terranea Resort.

She said it's gorgeous.

- We should go there sometime.
- [sighs]

She said that they do
couples massages,

but they come to your room,

which means your room
has to be big...

- Yes.
- To fit two...

whole massage tables.

Yes.

Honey, I...
What are you doing?

This bottle of Percocet

is made out
to Edith Reinhardt.

Uh, sweetheart...

are you Edith Reinhardt?

Am I--no.
I'm--no.

No.
Neither am I.

This bottle
of generic OxyContin

is made out
to Acquanetta Hamilton.

Are you
Acquanetta Hamilton?

I'm--what are you doing?

Neither am I.

You and I aren't
any of these people

because you stole
these pills.

Okay.
Those people are dead now.

So they're just going to be
thrown away,

and it's wasteful.

If you don't give me
$500 a week

for the next six months,

I'm gonna show, uh,
all these to your boss.

[gentle piano music]

Why would you do that?

You're being blackmailed.

I'm be--

Yeah. Okay.

- I'm being blackmailed?
- You're being blackmailed.

Yeah.

You--you did something wrong,

and you're going to
have to pay--

No, I understand the concept
of blackmail.

- Okay.
- What is wrong with you?

*

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Do you need money?

Are you in, like,
trouble or something?

I'm gonna write you
a check, okay?

- You are?
- For $1,000, yes.

But can you please
put the pills away?

(Forrest)
Marisa seemed to feel
that writing this check

would put an end
to the matter,

and her misunderstanding
allowed us to move on

for now.

I counted this $1,000
as payment

for the first
and second weeks.

With the storm cloud
of extortion

comfortably in the distance,

Marisa and I fell deeper

and deeper in love.

But when the third week came
and Marisa didn't pay,

I carefully chose
a good time

to remind her
of our arrangement.

Oh, by the way...
[sighs]

I do need that $500
by 10:00 tomorrow night,

or I'm gonna just have to tell
your boss

about the stolen pills.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Why would you do that
to me, you asshole?

Okay, okay,
well, maybe the real question

is why would you steal
narcotics, right?

You took some of those pills,
Forrest.

Okay, okay.
All right.

You benefitted
from those pills.

Let's just drop it.

$500 by 10:00 tomorrow
and now let's just cuddle, okay?

- No.
- I call--I call inside spoon.

You can't blackmail me and then
try to be the inside spoon!

(Forrest)
Marisa was not spooning,

inside or out.

Our relationship
was in trouble,

and it was blackmail's fault.

(Forrest)
I did what I could to be there

for Marisa, indeed, spending
much of the blackmail money

she paid me to buy
a couples massage package

at the Terranea Resort.

But my numerous calls
to invite her went unanswered.

Hi.

I hadn't heard from you,
and I was just really worried.

That's because
you're blackmailing me, Forrest.

You know that doesn't keep me
from missing you, right?

Forrest, this is
the worst thing

anyone has ever done to me.

Do you get that?

What happened to "I heal you,
you heal me"?

Nothing has happened
to that.

Just this--this is also
happening to both--

- Doesn't make any sense.
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- I got you--no.
- I don't want them.

Marisa, just tell me
what I can do.

You could stop blackmailing me,
you [bleep] douchebag.

Oh, come--

Marisa, sweetheart,

uh, I need
this week's payment.

Are you [bleep]
kidding me?

(Forrest)
Our relationship was
falling apart,

and I was heartbroken.

I'm leaving the flowers
on your doorstep, okay?

Those are yours.

- [bleep] flowers.
- Ow.

(Forrest)
But Marisa's choice
to not pay me

left me with no choice.

Oh.

Just wanted to stop by
and just let you know

what a wonderful nurse
Marisa is.

She's just a devoted,
committed nurse.

That's good.

You know, I just also
wanted to add...

sometimes she would even,
uh, swipe pills

from other patients
to give to me.

Above and beyond
the call of duty,

and those are some
of those pills.

- Swipe pills?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.

Yeah, so just wanted
to let you know

that you've got
a real superstar

of a nurse
on your hands.

There's nothing bad about her.
There's nothing bad.

(Forrest)
I hoped that by emphasizing

Marisa's assets
rather than her felonies,

I could secure
the minimum punishment.

Maybe the two would even
cancel each other out.

Sadly, that evening,
I learned that was not the case.

(Marisa)
Forrest!

- Is that Marisa?
- Forrest!

- That is Marisa.
- Get over here!

- Marisa, are you okay?
- You told her!

- I know.
- You told my boss!

I know, I know.
I'm really sorry.

- I'm really sorry.
- I lost my job.

- Oh, God.
- I lost my job!

I will never work
as a nurse again!

What am I going to do?

I really did not want that
to happen.

Why did you force my hand
like that?

- I forced you?
- I mean, I really had no--

You did. I mean,
I asked you so many times.

I could go to jail,
you [bleep]head.

Okay, listen, I hope
you don't go to jail.

I really do,
but if you did,

I would visit you
every single day.

I don't [bleep] care
if you visit me.

I was in love with you.

What do you mean
you were in lo--

I'm still in love with you.
Nothing's changed.

I'm not in love with you
anymore.

You blackmailed me.

Oh, wow.
I know.

And sometimes
that's what blackmail is.

- It hurts the people you love.
- No.

- And it's really bad.
- No, no.

It's really, really bad.

- You hurt me...
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- And I hurt you.
- Oh, God! Whoa!

[gunshot]
- Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, my God.

- Da--oh, are you all right?
- Yeah, she shot the ceiling.

Oh, my God,
she was gonna shoot me.

(Forrest)
Blackmail requires a callousness

not suited
to the average man.

Put it down!
You're pointing it at yourself!

(Forrest)
It may have made me
extra money,

but it made my life
immeasurably poorer.

Eat a bag of [bleep]!
I hate you.

(Forrest)
In trying to do this review
justice,

I somehow brought disaster
to the life of someone I love.

Ruined my life!

I'm deeply saddened
to lose my sweet Marisa.

Blackmail is bad.

1 1/2 stars.

Whew.

[triumphant music]

This review is tweeted
to us by @JustinMFR.

- Aha.
- He writes...

I guess, uh, I guess
I'm off to seek glory.

- In a hole.
- Yes.

Good. Okay.

*

(Forrest)
There are two types of holes
in the world,

those that promise glory
and those that do not.

*

And though I'd never considered
the question before,

it was no simple task to
distinguish one from the other.

Excuse me,
is this a glory hole?

That's a family hole.

*

Do you know if there's anything
on the Internet

about where to find
anonymous sex?

I think pretty much
the whole Internet is for that.

That has not been my experience
with the Internet,

but I'm looking
for a glory hole, in particular.

Oh, if you're looking
for a glory hole,

you should just go to, like,
a seedy gay bar.

[chuckles]
Okay.

That is quite possibly
the least helpful suggestion

you could ever have made.
[chuckles]

I mean, why would a woman give
anonymous oral sex at a gay bar?

[chuckles]

I'll look online.

(Forrest)
Josh and the Internet
came through,

locating a long list of
active glory holes in my area.

There were a lot
of lonely ladies

and a lot of glory holes
in this city.

I headed to the one closest
to my dad's house.

Well, here it is.

I must say, the idea of placing
my member into this hole

to be pleasured
by some mystery woman

has me excited, yes,

but also pretty nervous.

Here we go.
[clears throat]

[zipper unzips]

[exhales]

So far, uh...

nothing to report.

*

Oh, sorry.
Just using the glory hole.

(Forrest)
I had arrived a bit early,

but once the sun went down

and the park
was officially closed,

the glory hole
was officially open.

The name was right.
It was glorious.

The woman behind that stall
had a talent

well beyond anything
I had ever experienced...

Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.

(Forrest)
Well beyond anything my ex-wife

had demonstrated
on any of my birthdays.

Wow.

(Forrest)
I returned the next night

and the night after that,

and on each occasion,
the glory was equally glorious.

There was etiquette
to consider...

Whoa, excuse me.

- I'm next for the glory hole.
- Hey, man.

(Forrest)
But in general, I found
no downside to the glory hole.

Myself and the other men
enjoying this woman's talents

were experiencing
sexual intimacy at its best.

I was completely satisfied

without having to cater
to my partner's pleasure.

I knew it would be a violation
of the spirit of the glory hole

to meet the generous woman
on the other side

of that partition,

but wasn't it
equally unforgivable

to let the chance
to meet her pass?

Yes, it was.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The woman who was just in here,
did you see where she went?

No.

(Forrest)
I began spending
all my spare time in the park

searching for my mystery mouth.

And then, it happened.

- Hey there.
- Hi.

I've been seeing you here
a bunch lately.

- [laughing]
- It's funny.

Yeah.
I'm Forrest.

- I'm Lynn.
- Her name was Lynn.

(Forrest)
She was a PhD student

and exactly the sort
of sweet-natured person who,

it seemed to me, would
selflessly pleasure strange men

through the partition
of a bathroom stall.

Hey, I got
a crazy question for you.

Hmm?

Are you the woman
in the glory hole?

I have been putting
my erect penis in that hole

for the past week, and I just
thought I recognized you.

Wait, hang on.

(Forrest)
Was she the wrong woman,

or was she indeed
the maven of the stall?

I would never know.

In most relationships,
there is a wall of some sort

keeping two people
from truly seeing each other.

A glory hole
makes that wall literal,

but it doesn't
make the experience

any less meaningful.

Glory holes,
4 1/2 stars.

You never did find
the woman

behind that glory hole,
did you, Forrest?

Sadly, no,
I did not.

I have a feeling
you never will.

That's all the time we have
for my first episode back.

It feels great to be here.

Please join us next time
on Review.

Did you eat lunch yet?

- You like French dip?
- Sure.

- Okay.
- You know a place?

Yeah.

As you were.