All language subtitles for No.Good.Nick.S01E02.The.Pig.in.a.Poke.720p.NF.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.x264-AJP69

Don't worry about Sam and Dorothy.

I can put them off as long as I need to.

Great. You don't think
they know our real play here, do you?

Trust me.

They have no idea
this isn't a random family.

Good. The Thompsons wronged us,
and we're gonna make it right.

Well, I better go.
I don't want them to get suspicious.

Stay safe, kiddo.

You stay safe, too.

Oh, and don't take any unnecessary risks.

I know, I know.

And remember, I love you, Nicky.

I love you too, Dad.

One more thing I wanna talk to you about.

Look, you know I'm real proud of you,
kiddo, but don't get greedy.

You'll need the Harbaughs
for this to work.

I'm not here to make the Harbaughs rich.

No, of course, we're gonna
keep all the big scores,

but don't worry about splitting up
small potatoes with Sam and Dorothy

to keep 'em happy.

Got it.

Big scores for us,

au gratins for the old rottens.

Oh, hold on, Nicky,
there's something else.

It's, uh... It's this thing I got
going on in here.

How much do you need?

Two thousand dollars.

Two thousand dollars?

I know, I know, it's a lot,
but I have an opportunity to double it,

and that'll just put us one step closer
to solving all our problems.

When do you need it by?

Oh, end of the week?

Okay.

I'm on it.

Great. Oh, hey. And don't forget.
It's time to get your teeth cleaned.

Ask your dentist to check
your left molar for that micro-cavity.

And remember,

the bubblegum fluoride sounds delicious,
but it makes you gag.

Okay, I get it, Dad.

I gotta go.

Wrap it up, Franzelli.

Puke don't clean itself.

All right, well, look,

I'll let you go, but one last thing.

Look, don't get too attached
to this family.

Okay?

You're not there to make friends.

Hey, new friend!

How do you like your popcorn,
caramel or Asiago cheese?

Oh, don't worry.

It's non-GMO.

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You're telling me that instead
of my gourmet Italian cuisine,

people prefer dumpster trash.
Great, thanks.

That was my accountant.
Business is off 9% last month.

So, listen up, people.
I need all hands on deck

to help me brainstorm ideas
for bringing in new customers.

Ooh, I know!

How about a Taco Tuesday?

Dad, cultural appropriation much?

You don't get to say those words
if you aren't Latino.

Not even "Tuesday"?

No one helps me round here. I'm trying
to run a business and raise a family.

No one even acknowledges
how hard I work.

Oh, hey!

Good morning, Nick.

Have a seat.

Have a frittata.

Wow. This looks amazing.

This must've been a ton of work.

See? Is that so hard?
A little appreciation for what I do.

It's really good, Mom.

No one likes a suck-up.

Well, Nick, I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to chat with everyone.

Since someone destroyed
all my good China last night...

Mom, you're not allowed to say that word
unless you're Asian.

Now that you're living in this house,

along with benefits,
come the responsibilities.

Okay, sounds fair.

And to that end, by the power
vested in me as lead parent...

Wait. What?

...I declare this chore market open.

You're opening the chore market?

That's right.

But the chore market
hasn't been open since 2017.

When Molly broke her leg.

- Protesting SeaWorld.
- When baby orca Kyara died.

Hey, she is eating seals
in whale heaven now.

Which is also seal hell, I guess.

Okay, so what the heck
are you guys talking about?

The chore market is a live auction.

The children of this household
bid on chores in return for allowance,

except, here's the twist, lowest bid wins.

Allowance, as in money?

Yeah. Now that we find ourselves
with three children,

it's time to divide up the chores again.

It's pretty simple, really.
You'll catch on.

Auction starts Friday after breakfast.

Okay, cool.
You guys know you're weird, right?

Everybody out. Jeremy needs the room.

You know, you can just text me.

You don't have to send a private escort.

- Thanks, Jim.
- You got it, boss.

You're probably wondering
why I asked you to join me here today

at the student council room.

You wanna talk about the chore market?

Well, yeah, that... that's right. Uh...

Mom totally played us back in '17.

I got stuck taking out the garbage
and ten different kinds of recycling.

And I have to clean the kitchen
every time Mom destroys it

with her explosioni di formaggio.

I need to use a chisel
to get the cheese off the oven.

Exactly.

And are we fairly compensated?
Are we getting market rates?

We are doing nine major chores apiece
for peanuts.

So what do you wanna do about it?

I'm glad you asked.

Nick doesn't know that Mom
always puts the harder chores first.

So if we...

...work together,

we can make sure that Nick
gets all the bad chores.

Then, when she has a full load
and stops bidding,

we swoop in, grab all the easy stuff,
and still get the same allowance.

So you're saying you wanna collude
to screw over Nick.

No-one's saying "collude."
Uh...

Secretly work together
for our mutual benefit.

That's literally
the definition of "collude."

Okay, call it whatever you want.

But this is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity for us

to dump our crappy jobs on the newbie.

That's not fair to Nick.

You know what's not fair?

Little bunnies getting tortured
by cosmetics companies

because you're too busy
cleaning the kitchen,

when you could be out there...
spreading your message of love and...

cruelty-free mascara.

Fine, I'll collude with you.

- Work together.
- Jimbo!

We're done here.

I haven't figured out
how to get money, Dad,

but I'm working on an angle right now.
I can...

I don't care how big the rebate is,
I don't need solar panels.

How's it going out here?

Good, but I can't find
the salt and pepper shakers.

Oh, that's because all of my dishes
are already perfectly seasoned.

Then I'm done.

Question about the puttanesca, boss.
You sure you want this anchovy paste?

Pretty sure. What's the problem?

In my experience,
anchovy can overpower the sauce...

I'm sorry, are you mansplaining
my own recipe to me?

- No, I just thought...
- Don't think, just cook.

Wow. Rude.

Oh, relax, he'll be fine.

No, I mean him. I can't believe he tried
to tell you your recipe was wrong.

Oh, yeah, well, I guess I'm used to it.

That's something I don't get
about being a chef.

You seem like you're
at the top of your game,

you have this amazing restaurant
with unbelievable food...

So why do the male chefs get
all the attention?

Oh, please, don't get me started.

It's like at my old school,

the boys' basketball team
practiced on a brand new court.

But they made the girls' team practice
in the parking lot. It wasn't even empty.

People got hurt.

At least you had a girls' team.

In my high school, the only girls' sport
was watching boys' basketball.

I know, right?

As women, we should be treated
the same as anyone. It's not fair.

Oh, well, let me tell you something.

Life is not fair.

When I was coming up in culinary school,
things were way worse than now.

Women must cook twice as good
for half the money.

And I still can't get on Top Chef.

Oh, my God!
You would be amazing on that show.

I know, right?

I've applied three years in a row.
But this year, I got an audition.

It's not for a few months, but I just know
if I could get on, I could win it!

I could maybe raise my profile,
take the restaurant national.

Whoa.

Don't worry about it.

You're carrying $5,000 worth of wine.
Bump into whatever you want.

- Shut up. They don't cost that much?
- Does this look like an Olive Garden?

We've got bottles worth $400, $500,
some even more.

Hey, I know you were looking
for an idea to drum up business.

What about a wine tasting?

Sweetie, good idea,
but this is a restaurant, not a wine bar.

Exactly.
That's why the wine tasting is an event.

It's new and different,
but more importantly,

it's one night only, so everyone
will have a fear of missing out.

FOMO!

Of course, the wine is just the way in
to get people to discover your cooking.

Think about it. You expose
new customers to great wines

and carefully curated foods
that you pair yourself,

and then they become regular customers.

Maybe.

Imagine the restaurant

is so busy...

it's, like, impossible
to get a reservation.

I bet the Top Chef people
would want you then.

You know what? Why not?

I do like the idea of choosing the menu
for everyone.

People love getting told what to do.

I could start with an eggplant rollatini,

stuffed with goat cheese
and sun-dried tomatoes.

- That sounds amazing.
- Oh!

I could pair a risotto
with a Costa Nord wine.

No one would expect that!

Love it!

Yo, Dorothy, it's me.

I need a fence.

No problem, I got a guy.

Anything you can steal, he can move.
So, what are we fencing?

We're getting into the wine business.

Oh, hey.

Big news, we're doing a wine tasting
at Liz's restaurant.

So?

So I was thinking, you're, like,
really good at social media, right?

11,009 followers can't be wrong.

Whoa, that's amazing.

It's a lot of work,
but If you wanna change the world,

- you have to make your voice count.
- Totally.

So I was thinking,

your mom could really use a boost.

I would do it myself, but, you know,
I don't have social media.

Can you promote the wine tasting?
Tell your followers to tell their parents?

I totally would,

but it's kind of off-brand for me.

I only promote important issues,

like the environment, social inequality,

and, oh, cats that think they're people.

Hey, I know I'm just the new guy here,

but it seems like your mom
really does a lot for you guys.

I'm sure the glaciers need your help,
but so does your mom.

I guess I could do a blast
about the event.

Anything for my roomie.

Oh, my God, you're the best!

Oh.

Hey, you ready for the chore market?

I don't know. It seems super complicated.

You'll get the hang of it.
Just follow my lead and you'll do great.

Oh, thank you. That would be amazing.

I was worried
I was gonna totally mess it up.

Wow.

I almost feel bad for her.

Alexa, play Jeremy's Collusion Mix Three.

What do you think? Swordfish carpaccio,

or we could go fusion with an otoro?

Am I boring you?

No, I wasn't even listening.

Maybe we can reevaluate
the whole chore market thing.

Not this again.

Jeremy and Molly didn't talk for a month
after the last one.

How do you propose
we give Nick some chores?

Assign them ourselves, alphabetical.

I'll put names on a list
and draw them out of a hat.

Literally any other method
than competitive bidding.

What does that teach them?
To kowtow to authority? Life is random?

It's just...

The auction unnecessarily pits the kids
against each other,

which is not, in my opinion,
conducive to a warm and loving family.

This is about ownership of responsibility.
It will prepare them for the real world.

If we assign the chores,
they don't internalize the responsibility.

This way, they choose,

both the responsibility and the reward
that goes with it. It's up to them.

You literally said "responsibility"
three times.

They're kids!

Treating them like adults
is how they become adults.

Yeah, adults who hate their parents.

Why is it you get to unilaterally
decide what's best for our kids?

You're the one that assigned me the job
of being the brains of this family,

which means I have to make hard decisions
while you get to be fun dad all the time.

The kids think I'm fun?

Did they say that specifically?

I can't believe this, the restaurant
is totally booked for tonight.

People are calling to ask if there's
another wine tasting next weekend.

Wow, that's great.
Word must have spread somehow.

Thank you, Molly.

Just trying to pitch in.

You're gonna be there, right, Ed?

I wasn't planning on it.

Really? You don't think it's important
to show your support for Liz?

When you say it that way, uh...

Since I'm not working that hard
at the office,

I could get off early and come by.

What a great idea.

Come on!

It's time.

This chore market is now open.

Bidders, take your paddles.

Sorry, short notice.

Okay, Nick, here's how it works.

You pick the chore you'd like to do
and how much you'll do it for.

Low bidder gets the chore. Got it?

Great. All right, first up
is taking out the trash.

Do I hear $10?

I guess I can keep doing it. Ten.

- Ten dollars. Do I have nine?
- Nine.

Nine. Take out trash, make a lot of cash.
Can I get eight?

- I'll do it for $8.
- Eight. Do I have seven?

No more bidders?

Seven, seven, seven, no?
Eight dollars taking out the trash.

Going once, going twice...

Sold to Nick for $8.

Next up is cleaning the kitchen.

Ten dollars.

Ten. Who wants to clean the kitchen?
Make it sparkle, make it shine.

- I've got ten, do I hear nine?
- Nine.

Nine dollars.

- Eight dollars.
- Seven!

Seven, seven, seven! Can I get a six?
Who wants to put six into the mix?

Seven dollars, going once, going twice.

Sold to Nick for $7.

Next chore up for bid is laundry duty.
Wash and fold, never gets old.

Ten dollars!

Nick with the clean sweep so far.

And speaking of sweeping,
next up is watering the plants.

Ten dollars!

You don't have to bid on everything.
You've got a lot.

Yeah, Nick, it's not fair to you.
I mean, we wanna do our share.

It's fine. I don't mind.

- Nine dollars.
- Eight.

- Seven.
- Seven dollars, seven dollars.

- Do I hear six? Watering the plants?
- One dollar!

Hey, bold move.

Sold to Nick for $1.

Can we pause?

Yeah, I don't think Nick understands
how this works.

Oh, yeah, I think
she understands just fine.

No, it's just that in foster care

I had to do all this stuff for free,

so any allowance is kind of like a bonus.

- One dollar!
- Sold.

And with that,
I declare this chore market closed.

But we didn't get any chores.

Oh, yeah, look at that. Nick got 'em all.

Hey, uh, I think that
maybe since you're new,

you didn't understand that, uh,

Molly and I need to do some chores,
or else we don't get any allowance.

How about we take a few off your hands?

- Like I could do watering the plants.
- I'd be happy to take bringing the mail.

Responsibility.

Chore-pocalypse.

Wow, yeah, that is super generous of you.

Listen, I wanna be fair,

so how about this?

I sell the chores I don't want
back to you.

How about you take out the trash for $5?

But you're getting eight.

That's my finder's fee.

You played us.

I mean, come on, guys,

I've never heard of a chore market,
but I have played Monopoly before.

Alexa...

play Jeremy's You Got Owned Mix.

Don't be nervous.

They're gonna love everything.

Maybe I should've gone with Salmoiraghi.
It's more traditional.

Don't even sweat it. You got this.

I have your wine pairing menu
and I'll hang out in the wine storage room

and get the bottles ready for each course.

Thanks, Nick. You're a lifesaver.
I really appreciate all your help.

Hey, don't mention it.
That's what I'm here for.

And look who else is here to help.

- What are you doing here?
- I came for moral support.

You left work early
just to come help me?

I know we disagreed
about how to handle the chores,

but at the end of the day,
we're in this together.

Aww!

Hey, now that Ed's here, he can help me,

and you can focus on cooking.

You won't have to go
in the wine storage room at all.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

Do you think I should've gone
with the Salmoiraghi?

Always trust your first instinct,
like when you married me.

Thank you.

Five hundred dollars?

Liz needs another Costa Nord.

Uh... fine choice.

Ah.

Misty in here.

Uh, it's the, uh...
humidity control for the wine.

Ah. Liz needs a Vinietto Ricardo.

Your wish is my command.

You have been here all night
Want me to take over?

No, I'm good.

- At least take a break.
- No, honestly, I'm fine.

Then you know what?
I'm just gonna stay here and help.

Cool... Cool, cool, cool.

Uh... yeah, let me get this
out of your way.

- Ow!
- Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah! I'm good.

Go put ice on that.
I'll keep holding down the fort.

That's a good idea. All right. Carry on.

Sorry about your foot!

Hey.

Oh, hey. I thought you were
supposed to be in the kitchen.

Ed says his foot hurts.
I need another Vinietto Ricardo.

No problem.

Ah.

Wait. Uh, maybe the eggplant
would go better with that bottle instead.

Well, yeah, we can't really change
the wine in the middle of the event.

Oh, okay, we're... we're doing this.

Sorry, I'm just so proud of you.

Listen...

this whole thing is gonna take some time,
but we're here for each other, right?

Right.

Right on time.

The juice better be worth
the squeeze on this scam.

I was planning
on fixing a bingo game tonight.

Oh, give it a rest, Sam.

So what do ya got?

Only about $5,000 worth
of high-end wine.

So... what did we agree on?

A 70-30 split?

Good one.

Anything I steal and you sell,

is 50-50.

Oh, right.

Just checking.

So, how did you steal a case of wine
without them knowing?

Simple. I switched it out with the cheap
bottles from the Discount Wine Barn.

But doesn't everyone know
they're drinking the cheap stuff?

Oh, the bouquet is exquisite.

Notes of apricot...

and blackberry.

You can really taste how expensive it is.

It's basic psychology.
It's all about the labels.

So, wait, you switched the labels?

Yeah, that's how the scam works.

I steam the labels
off the expensive bottles

and slap them on the cheap ones.

Yeah, except we can't fence the bottles
without the labels.

Nobody is gonna buy
a $400 bottle of wine with no label.

Really?

Are you sure? I thought maybe
they'd be worth a little less money...

No, these are worthless.
We can't sell them.

I knew I should've gone to bingo.

Oh, my God, this is a disaster.

Now what am I gonna to do?

I guess I should just
go put the bottles back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I said we couldn't sell them.
I didn't say we couldn't drink 'em.

I'm sorry.

I screwed up.

The wine thing fell through,
so there's no money.

I know I missed the deadline.

But I'll find something else
as fast as I can.

I promise.

Oh, hey, Nick.

Hey, come join us.

I wanted to thank you.

Thank me? For what?

For tonight. The wine tasting was
a huge success and I owe it all to you.

You know, this was all your idea.

Oh.

Thanks.

We should celebrate Liz's success.

Our success. Let's crack open
a bottle of the good stuff.

I took one home from the restaurant.

I've been dying to try this bottle
of Costa Nord and, man, I earned it.

Oh! You all right?

Yeah.

But how does a label
just fall off a wine bottle?

Any idea how this could've happened? Nick?

Clean up in the kitchen!

Molly!

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