Original subtitles

(light whimsical music)

- Say, Uncle Martin, I'm making lunch.

Where's the, uh,

what are you doin' with the soup out here?

- Tim. - What?

- Stop, stop, stop, stop.

- What?

- You were about to step in front

of my dimensional separator.

- Uh, another one of your kooky Martian inventions?

- Just because your earth mind can't cope with something

doesn't mean it's kooky.

This machine removes one dimension from any object

leaving it with height and width but no thickness.

- Oh, come on.

You're putting me on.

- I wouldn't dream of it.

Ah, just what I was looking for.

May I?

- Yeah.

What is this?

Some kind of a scavenger hunt?

- Very apt, Tim.

Archeology is a scientific scavenger hunt.

You see, I want to take artifacts of your primitive culture

back to Mars.

By reducing them to two dimensions,

I can carry an infinite number.

- Do you mean to tell me that I am going to be represented

by a ballpoint pen?

(audience laughs)

A paper cup?

- Well, it's your culture, Tim.

- Well, how about a half a ham sandwich.

What's that for?

- That's my lunch.

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

- What happened to the can opener?

- Well, what about my lunch?

(audience laughs)

- We must all sacrifice for science, Tim.

The can opener must have the can with it.

You see, the simple tools of a primate species

hold the key to its future development.

- Oh, Martin, could you open this jar for me?

- Lorelei, don't.

- I can never seem to.

(beeps)

- Did she?

- She did.

(audience laughs)

(beeps)

(mystical instrumental music)

("My Favorite Martian Theme Song" by George Greeley)

(bright cheery music)

- What happened?

- Well, I had to freeze her in suspended animation, Tim.

In Lorelei's condition, if she moves, she might break.

(audience laughs)

- Well, just give it to me straight, Uncle Martin.

Can you get back her back?

(audience laughs)

- Once I obtain a simple metallic compound.

Of course, if Lorelei had to remain in that condition

for 18 hours, it would become permanent.

- Well, what about those things on the table?

What did you do, invent instant travel?

(audience laughs)

- A question of elementary chemistry, Tim.

Those things are inorganic.

Lorelei is organic.

- Well, come on.

Let's get with it.

I mean, you can't just have Mrs. Brown, the cover girl,

without the book.

(audience laughs)

- I'm practically on my way, but while I'm gone,

we must make certain that Lorelei does not get bent.

(audience laughs)

(playful zippy music)

Good thing I put Lorelei in suspended animation.

Otherwise, I'm sure this would tickle.

- Yeah, well, it looks like an advertisement

for Mrs. Brown's homemade gherkins.

- You're right.

(buzzes)

We better made it look more natural just in case.

(mystical instrumental music)

- I must say to you.

That is pretty good.

- It's nothing, Tim.

I've worked with many great artists.

I was with Leonardo when he painted

his most famous portrait.

I remember telling several rather droll stories.

(laughs)

Mona just couldn't keep from smiling.

(audience laughs)

See that nothing happens to Lorelei.

- Uh, just a minute.

Where are you going to loose?

- To restore Mrs. Brown I need a minute amount

of copper, which has been subjected

to an extraordinary electrical charge.

It's obvious where I'll find it.

- Oh, sure.

Hmm?

- Tip of the lightning rod off the tallest building in town.

(knocks on door)

- [Detective Brennan] Lorelei.

(knocks on door)

Lorelei, are you in there?

- I am terribly sorry, but there is no one staying

at this residence at this time.

And this is a recording.

(audience laughs)

- Very funny.

Any idea where Lorelei is?

- Well, let's just say she's hanging around right now.

(audience laughs)

- What have we here?

- What have we where?

- That's quite a painting.

- Oh, right, you're quite right.

- Is it an oil or a watercolor?

- Well, uh, mustn't touch.

You see, my paint's still wet. (laughs)

- Your paint?

You painted that?

Well, tell me.

Why did you paint Lorelei with a jar of pickles

in her hand?

- Um, pickles.

Well, you see there's a very simple answer for that.

- Yes?

(audience laughs)

- Well, the title of the painting, is The Picnic,

and she brought along with her some potato salad,

hard boiled eggs, beans.

- I don't see any potato salad

or any eggs or any beans.

- Well, that's because, you see, she brought them

in a basket, and the basket is behind her.

(audience laughs)

- That's a very good likeness of Lorelei.

- Likeness?

That is Lorelei.

- It is, O'Hara?

Say, I have a friend who runs an art gallery, Jacques O'mo.

Just for a gag, why don't I take this painting down

and let him display it.

Then, after I have lunch with Lorelei tomorrow,

we'll casually drop into Jacques' gallery,

and she'll see herself hanging there

among important pictures, and well, it'll be a kind

of a nice surprise for her.

Won't it?

- That it will be.

(audience laughs)

- Good.

Oh, it's primitive, but yep, yep.

- Uh, Detective Brennan, do you know what you're doing?

- As much as I hate to come to the aid

of your budding career, O'Hara, Lorelei deserves

to be shown to the world.

Hey, you used a lot of lead in your paint.

- What am I going to say to Uncle Martin?

- Tell him I said, hello.

(audience laughs)

(door slams)

(suspenseful music)

- Now, I know that if Uncle Martin were here right now

he would say to me, he'd say, Tim, don't panic.

I know.

I can just hear him saying that.

I can hear him saying, Tim, don't panic.

Let's face it.

I panic.

(audience laughs)

(light whimsical music)

(door slams)

- Success, Tim.

I got the copper from the tip of the lightning rod.

- What happened to you?

- Oh, just a slight altercation with a possessive eagle.

(audience laughs)

Where is she?

- Well, you see, she was, uh,

Brennan, uh, she's being framed.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

Well, there's no one around.

Do your stuff, Uncle Martin.

(door opens)

As always, Uncle Martin, you did that very well.

- Yes, didn't I?

- Mmm-hmm, that's the difference between you and Brennan.

You're so modest.

- I have more to be modest about.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, look at that.

- Uh-uh, don't go near that, Tim.

- Why?

Is it contagious?

- No, but every picture in this gallery is wired

to a burglar alarm.

- Oh, well, with you along, we don't have

to worry about that.

- (laughs) On the contrary, Tim.

An old-fashioned burglar alarm is a Martian's worst enemy.

Besides the noise you and the police hear,

it produces tones of such a high frequency

that they have a catastrophic effect

on a Martian's nervous system.

We'll have to be very careful getting Lorelei

down off the wall.

- But first, we have to find her.

(light playful music)

There she is.

(ceiling falls)

(light suspenseful music)

- When the boss said to come through the skylight,

she didn't mean to break the ceiling, oaf.

(audience laughs)

Look around. Look around.

(light playful music)

(audience laughs)

Clumsy ox.

Just pick out the best one.

(grunts)

- They're here to rob the gallery.

Those crooks.

- Most reprehensible.

Ill take care of this.

(alarm bell rings)

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Uncle Martin, I think we better get out of here.

Uncle Martin, come on.

(snaps)

Uncle Martin, hey.

(audience laughs)

Hey.

Uncle Martin.

Look, this is no time to get stiff.

(audience laughs)

Martin.

- Clumsy, oaf, now we have no time to discriminate.

Take them all.

Start with this one.

(audience laughs)

- All right.

I have but one life to give to my landlady.

(audience laughs)

(alarm bell rings)

(audience laughs)

(thuds)

(alarm bell rings)

(light serious music)

- Uncle Martin, look, I.

Oh, I've got to get you away from this bell.

Come on.

(audience laughs)

(grunts)

(audience laughs)

(radio static)

Uncle Martin, please will you hurry.

Look, if Brennan catches those crooks

and finds that (laughs) still life of Mrs. Brown

before we do, we're gonna be in the biggest--

- I'm fully cognizant of the problems at hand, Tim,

but fear not.

I'm sure that my atwater canned supertetradine

directional finder will locate her.

(beeps)

Tim, Tim, I found her.

- That pinging?

- Too far.

(beeps)

(buzzes)

That's it.

- You mean that X marks the spot?

- That's where they've got Lorelei.

- She ponged.

Does that mean anything?

- It means her third dimensional molecules are weakening.

Come on.

I've often flattered Lorelei, but I didn't mean

to flatten her.

(audience laughs)

(light whimsical music)

(knocks on door)

- O'Hara.

O'Hara.

O'Hara.

Any O'Haras.

(suspenseful music)

(rotary spins)

(snaps)

Operator, get me police headquarters.

This is an emergency.

Official business.

Bernstein please.

Hey, Brennan here.

I'm at the O'Hara home.

You know that plaster dust we found on the floor

in that art gallery?

Well, on the nephew's shoes, I found gobs

of what looks like the same substance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, nevermind the stakeout, Bernstein.

I've reasoned my way to a solution as to their whereabouts

and the paintings.

I'll have this case wrapped up in no time.

(audience laughs)

(light jazz music)

- It's almost time for the arcade to open.

(audience laughs)

Will you hurry?

(audience laughs)

- Now, look what you've made me do.

Really, Felicia, you're so impatient.

- Why I saddle myself with turtles I will never know.

- If you don't like the way I work,

why don't you just go out and hire some hack.

Of course, he'll probably ruin the original.

And Arturo won't thank you for that.

Will he?

(audience laughs)

- All you have to do is cover them up

so that they won't be discovered when Arturo

smuggles them over to Europe.

- You don't have to insult.

- All right.

(audience laughs)

I'm finished.

Take it away.

- Akbar, (snaps) come on.

Just put it over there.

- Gently, gently, it's worth a fortune.

(suspenseful music)

- Don't be so artistic.

Cover.

- Cover, cover.

- Cover.

If you would have told Michelangelo

to cover the Sistine Chapel.

- Cover.

- Cover.

I'm covering.

- Faster.

- Look, there's a painting on that easel.

Freeze 'em, Uncle Martin.

- I can't, Tim.

They're too close to Lorelei, and she couldn't take

another dose of this power.

We'll have to get them away from there.

This should do it.

(dings)

(yells)

- Now what?

- Quiet, idiot.

There's somebody here.

Come on.

(dings)

Come on.

We gotta search the place.

Come.

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

- Where's Mrs. Brown?

- Under a coat of paint.

They're all wet.

- It's dark back there.

(audience laughs)

- There they are.

Akbar, get 'em.

- You're pushing.

Don't push me.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, stop him.

Especially him.

(easel slams)

- It's no use, Tim.

The paint got in the pores of my finger.

I can't get the power through.

There's only one thing to do.

- What?

- Run.

(audience laughs)

(bright dramatic music)

- Akbar, get 'em.

(grunts)

Get 'em.

- Hey, you.

Take your hand off that painting.

(audience laughs)

(yells)

Ah.

- Get him.

Get him.

- Bang.

- Ah.

(yells)

(audience laughs)

I'm shot.

I'm shot.

- Akbar, over there in the dark.

- Bang.

(audience laughs)

- Look over there.

(playful circus music)

(gun fires)

(pings)

Where are you?

Where did you go?

Where are you?

- Hey, you.

What are you doing?

Stop.

(grunts)

(audience laughs)

- You, bang.

- Oh.

Again, bang?

Oh.

(light playful music)

(laughs and yells)

(audience laughs)

(grunts)

- I'll keep him busy, Tim.

You find Mrs. Brown.

- Take that, and that, and, and,

wait a minute.

- What?

- Not bad.

- Too much red.

(audience laughs)

- Really?

- Get 'em.

Get 'em.

(playful circus music)

- Peek a boo.

(gun fires)

(plate breaks)

(plate breaks)

You missed me.

- Boo. (laughs)

Oh, well, you win.

- He hit me.

(gun fires)

You shot me. (yells)

(both yell)

(triumphant music)

- Tim, Tim, I found Lorelei.

- Oh, hey, Ms. Brown.

(audience laughs)

- Let's get her out of here.

Put that end down.

Can't quite get it through this.

- Come on. Let's go.

(audience laughs)

(glass breaks)

(suspenseful music)

- Surround the building, men.

Guard that door, Tom.

- You can't get away from me.

I know you're in here somewhere.

No, you don't.

(audience laughs)

This is your last chance to surrender, O'Hara.

(Middle Eastern music)

Those you seek are behind the eight ball.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

Will the real Gainsborough, please stand up?

(audience laughs)

- Shoot me.

(audience laughs)

- Will you stop that, and help me with this thing.

(audience laughs)

(light whimsical music)

- Ugh.

Oh, my aching back.

You know, I never thought I'd get all that whitewash off.

- And just in time, Tim.

A few moments more, and Mrs. Brown won't make it.

- Yeah, well, I'm gonna take this stuff down,

and dump it in the storm drain.

Ugh.

We're not gonna have those few moments.

Here comes Bulldog Brennan.

- Stand back, Tim. (beeps)

I'm going to shoot, Mrs. Brown.

(beeps)

- Open because I'd like to have them for lunch.

- I'll open that for you, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, thank you, dear.

(laughs)

- Ah, I caught up with you, O'Haras at last.

- Oh, hello, dear.

Why did you want to catch up with Martin and Tim?

- It's police business, Lorelei.

I apprehended a ring of art thieves

and recovered all the stolen paintings

except Tim's portrait of you.

- Me?

(audience laughs)

- I know you two are involved,

and I'll tell you why.

Because the location of the loot was marked

by an X on that map.

- You mean that map, Lieutenant?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I didn't know you painted, Tim.

- Well, I don't.

I mean, I did.

Well, I painted the picture that he was talking about.

(audience laughs)

(clears throat)

Oh, yes, and I also painted that one.

- Oh, well, isn't that nice?

What is it?

- Yeah, what is that, O'Hara?

- That is The Picnic.

(audience laughs)

("My Favorite Martian Theme Song" by George Greeley)

(dramatic instrumental music)