Original subtitles

(angry chords)

(door slams)

- Oh, that astroid-headed Jupiter-crawling

Saturn-ringed fugitive from a one-moon planet!

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin. (disapproving tongue clicks)

Careful, there's an Earth man present.

- I'm sorry, Tim.

Just got the better of me.

He's down there again.

- Who's down there?

Oh, Detective Brennan!

- Just the mention of his name rubs me the wrong way.

- Oh?

What's the matter,

is he cutting in on your time with Mrs. Brown?

- That tin star Sherlock? - Uh huh.

- (laughs)

- (laughs)

- Oh, come on, Tim.

You should know by now that a Martian

is too adult to be jealous.

That is an Earthly emotion.

- Oh, well, then let's use an Earthly expression.

How come he is bugging you?

- Very simple.

Brennan is jealous.

- Oh, you mean he thinks that you and Mrs. Brown--?

- Exactly.

And that only makes him over-attentive and more obnoxious!

Suppose in a weak moment she actually agreed to marry him.

Imagine having that overbearing, super-suspicious

public eye living right down there!

Just five minutes ago, five minutes ago I couldn't stand it.

I swear I mean I couldn't stand it.

I had to hurry in here to let off some steam!

- Yeah, he is hard to take.

- He's harder to get rid of.

(screams)

- Easy, easy, Uncle Martin!

Now take it easy!

(steam hisses)

(audience laughs)

- That looks like steam.

- I said I came in here to let off steam, didn't I?!

- But real steam?

- What did you expect, chicken soup?

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

(Morse code beeps)

(mysterious music)

(Morse code beeps)

(cheerful music)

(cheerful music)

- That is incredible.

I mean, to really be able to blow off steam

when you're angry.

- No more incredible than Earthmen producing drops of water

on their skins when they're warm.

Besides, you probably will never witness

the steam phenomenon again,

since its release has stabilized my emotions.

(steam hissing)

- [Tim] I, I think something went wrong.

There goes your hot water boiler again.

- That shouldn't have happened.

- This is wild!

You know, an evening with you

could break up a bad chest cold.

(audience laughs)

- Of course.

The heavier Earth atmosphere caused my steam pressure

to build up higher than normal.

It has created an imbalance

of my emotional perceptive threshold.

Now, any minor irritation may cause me to let off steam.

And with that snooping detective

constantly on the premises.

- Yeah, and he's no dope.

Got a great idea.

All we do, put you in bed.

Tell everyone you have something contagious.

- Bed?

No, no, no, my mind would still be active.

I have to be doing something to keep busy,

but still emotionally serene,

'til my perceptors stabilize.

(knocking)

- [Woman] Yoohoo, Martin, are ya home?

(resigned music)

- Hello, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, Martin.

Last week you were so sweet,

and offered to help paint the house.

And I was just wondering which you preferred,

a brush or a roller?

- I don't really think that Uncle Martin

is gonna be able to--

- The brush, Mrs. Brown.

I think it would be more personal.

- All righty, brush.

I'm getting the paint this afternoon,

so we can start tomorrow.

Bye!

- You are gonna start painting the house?

- Yes.

- Uncle Martin, if you don't mind my saying so,

I think that the steam pressure

is starting to cook your marbles.

- House painting, Tim, is a perfect therapy for me.

Just the gentle monotony that I need.

- Oh, that's just great, if you like climbing ladders.

- Ladders?

Who's going to climb ladders?

- Well, it's pretty hard to get

to the second floor without one.

- Maybe for your Earth house painters,

but not for me.

(mysterious trilling)

- Isn't that tricky?

(mysterious trilling ascends and descends)

You're gonna levitate a brush right in front of Mrs. Brown!

- No, I'll send her off on an errand,

and by the time she returns--

- The house'll be painted?

- Finger painted.

Even on your Earth, a well-known mental therapy.

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

- Mrs. Brown, you should have gotten a little thinner.

- Oh, Martin!

Even if it's true,

I don't think it's very nice for you to say.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

I meant paint thinner.

A special type for this paint.

Unfortunately, the only store that sells it

is on the far side of town.

- Hmm, well I asked the man for everything I'd need.

But, well, if you say so.

(car honks)

Oh, look who's here, Detective Brennan!

- She asked him, too.

- Oh.

Well, with him around, that means uh,

hey, that means you won't be able to use your uh (whistles),

you'll have to use a brush just like anyone else.

- Worse.

Just listening to that chicken inspector cackling,

I'll never stabilize.

It'll be steam, steam, steam.

(audience laughs)

- Oh well, hello, Bill.

- Lorelei, good morning, how are ya?

- Fine, thank you.

Oh, my, wasn't that nice of Bill

to give up his day off to help us paint?

- Brennan, glad you could join us.

- I doubt it.

Your lip didn't curl up at the left corner.

- My what didn't what?

- As a professional observer with a sharp eye

for the seemingly trivial detail, I have noted that

when you are genuinely happy, even if you don't say so,

your lip curls up at the left corner.

- When have you ever seen me so happy?

- Any time I leave.

I glance back, and there's that curl at the corner.

- Oh, isn't that clever? (laughs)

Oh, I've got to run down

to the paint store for that thinner.

- Thinner? For what?

- For the paint.

You see, Martin said that--

- Oh, that was your first mistake, listening to amateurs.

Your second mistake was not reading the labels.

Thin with water, clean brushes under the faucet.

- Excuse me!

(audience laughs)

(door slams)

(steam hisses)

- Uncle Martin, you feeling alright?

- I wouldn't say my lip is curling at the left corner!

(audience laughs)

(tense music)

- Making any progress, O'Hara?

- Yoohoo!

Cool drinks, boys!

Oh, you're doing a beautiful job, Bill.

Oh, and you too, Martin.

- Worked my way through a post-graduate course

at Columbia Law painting for another gracious lady.

Guess who.

- Must we?

- The Statue of Liberty.

Painted it twice.

- Oh, think of that!

- Brennan, hasn't anything ordinary ever happened to you?

- Only meeting you, O'Hara!

Delicious punch, Lorelei.

(audience laughs)

Well, shall we?

Paint brush won't do the job by itself!

Ho, ho, ho.

(ominous music)

- That would be a ridiculous wish, wouldn't it?

(ominous music)

Oh dear, he shouldn't try to paint that.

It's too high!

- Brennan, Brennan!

That's out of your reach.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- O'Hara, you are not I.

Things are only out of one's reach

when one hasn't the strength of character to go after them.

- He's going after it, and he's going to get it.

- What do you mean, Martin?

- [Bill] (shouting incoherently)

- Just that.

- Oh my goodness, what is it?!

- [Martin] I think Tom Sawyer overstretched himself

and strained something.

- It's my back.

- Oh dear, does it hurt terribly?

- Not if I stand perfectly still.

- [Lorelei] Martin, help him!

We can't just leave the poor man up there like that.

- Yes, I guess we'd better do something,

because he doesn't do anything for the front of the house.

All right, Tim, come on, help me, get over here.

Over on that side,

let's see if we can get him down from this ladder.

- [Tim] Easy now, - [Bill] (shouting)

- [Tim] easy, easy, easy! - [Bill] (groaning)

- [Tim] Thata way, thata way. - [Bill] (groaning)

- [Tim] Easy, easy, easy! - [Bill] (screaming)

- [Martin] There we go, get the brush there.

Thank you very much.

Get over on that side there, Tim,

and move him down, all right?

Let's get him toward the stairs.

- [Everyone] (exclaiming incoherently)

- [Lorelei] Oh, no no no no no.

We'll never get him down the steps.

Oh, Tim, do you think we could possibly take him in

and set him down on your bed?

- Well, I suppose there's no reason we can't.

- Well at least none to speak of, no.

All right, let's get him that way.

Okay, Tim, come on.

- [Bill] (shrieks)

- All right, Tim, back up, back up, back up.

Turn him around, turn him around.

All right, Tim, get back there, stand by the door.

Stand by the door, okay, get him.

- [Bill] (shouts)

- [Martin] All right, pull him.

- [Bill] (groaning)

It's an old football injury.

- The one you got at the Rose Bowl, no doubt.

- Did you see that game?

- There's nothing serious, but you must lay absolutely still

right where you are until this thing passes.

- Here?

- Oh well, don't worry, Bill.

I'm sure that Martin and Tim don't mind a bit, do you.

- No!

- Now, provided he stays put, this thing should pass

just as suddenly as it came in an hour, or a day.

Possibly two days.

It could take a week.

Now, he gets one pill now, and one after each meal.

And if this thing hasn't passed in a month,

please let me know.

- A month?!

(audience laughs)

- [Martin] Fascinating, isn't it?

It's the new advanced Martian mathematics.

- Oh? I didn't even dig the old Earth one.

- The principle is simple.

Like all steam, the pressures within me

were created by sudden rises in temperature.

- You mean, you were really getting hot under the collar?

- Exactly.

You've heard the expression,

he's reaching his boiling point?

Well, mine is 500 degrees centigrade,

and I'm running at about 498 right now.

The only method for counteracting this

is by the sudden introduction of extreme cold.

About, mmm, 300 degrees below zero.

Into my right ear.

(audience laughter)

- And I thought my ears got cold when I went skiing.

- I'll have to borrow a few odds and ends,

plus the use of your refrigerator.

- My refrigerator?

It hardly keeps milk cold.

- With a little inverse compression,

I could cycle it down to 1,000 below zero,

and run the low grade current into my left ear.

And I'd better start tomorrow.

If I continue to steam at my present rate,

through dehydration my body will soon have the consistency

of a soda cracker.

- Is there anything I can do to help?

- Yes.

As a matter of fact, there is one problem

I can't handle alone.

- Brennan?

- Lieutenant Brennan, to you.

- [Martin] With what I'm going to do,

I can't have Mrs. Brown running in and out

playing Florence Nightingale to that counterfeit constable.

I'll depend on you to keep her out of the way

while I set things up.

- I'd be glad to, but what about Brennan?

- [Martin] Tim, as much as I hate to go that far,

I'll have to take care of him.

(audience laughter)

(playful music)

- All right, yes, that should convert very easily.

But Tim, I'll need about two or three hours of privacy.

- Oh, well, I thought maybe we could give Mrs. Brown a story

like your birthday was coming up and I'd like her to go down

and help me pick out a gift for you.

- Very good.

And if you have any trouble stalling her,

I suggest you leave the store by way of ladies' dresses.

Today is Bargain Day.

- Martin, we want to stall her just for a couple of hours.

Not 'til next Tuesday.

- Well, our patient should be awake by now.

I'll steel myself and (groans) take this in to him.

- Yeah, well, just be careful.

Don't lose your head.

With his ego, anybody could get steamed up.

(playful music)

- Good morning, Detective Brennan.

Or should I say, Poopsie, is oo feeling better?

- Mr. O'Hara, I will flatter you and say I would have said

the same thing if our positions were reversed,

and I wish they were.

Where's Lorelei?

- Uh, she had to leave.

Today I'll be your nana.

- I see.

So you brought me coffee.

- It's strong, but it won't bite.

Or are you one of those who thinks

everyone else's coffee tastes like poison?

- Poison?

Well, no, of course not.

Why should I think a thing like that?

But, um, suppose I don't want coffee.

- Brennan, today you'd better take what I give you,

because that's all you're getting.

What's coming to you!

(dramatic chords)

- Murder may pass unpunished for a time,

but tardy justice will o'ertake the crime.

(tense music)

(playful music)

(secretive music)

Lieutenant Bram, put me through to Marvin, please.

(phone rings)

- Lieutenant Gallagher.

- [Bill] Hello, Martin.

- Oh, hi, Bill.

- Listen, my back is fine now, but I'm not coming in yet.

I think I'm on to something big.

I've been lying in bed trying to stop a murder.

Mine.

Oh, it's nothing to be excited about,

but here's something that is interesting.

The would-be murderer, without realizing

that I was too clever to be taken in by tainted coffee,

is now planning--

- To electrocute you?

- You know how I excelled at higher math at Harvard.

You do? Oh.

Well, if I can't make sense of his calculations,

there's only one thing they can be: code.

At first I thought it was simple jealousy.

But now I realize the man is obviously trying to cover up

some sinister plot he's terrified I'll discover.

- Maybe you'll need help.

- Au contraire, this is my baby.

The suspect is in a highly emotional state,

and if I can irritate him enough,

I think I can get him to make a slip.

Of course, I'll continue putting on a sick act.

Did you know I was president

of the dramatic club at Harvard?

Oh, you did?

Well, I'll be checking in.

(calm music)

(bell rings)

(dramatic chords)

- Your lunch, Brennan.

The cooking will meet with your approval I'm sure.

- I wish I were.

- Lieutenant, I have nothing but admiration

for a good police man, which should give you

some idea of what I think of you.

- O'Hara, you should be thrilled to have this opportunity.

After all, the only way one grows

is by associating with one's betters.

Oh, by the way, I like my steak cut up nice and small.

And um, incidentally, do you have any reading material?

Uh, you know, something like spy stories

with codes and things?

- Why don't you stick to detective stories?

You might learn something!

- O'Hara, things are difficult enough.

Lying in bed can be quite boring.

Why, this morning, just to amuse myself,

I was working on a problem in electronics.

I don't suppose you know anything about electricity

and wiring and things like that.

- Brennan, I have been patient.

I have been trying to keep from losing control.

But one more remark from you, and I'll be forced to forget

that I'm a human being and that you are not!

- See, O'Hara, you're raising your voice!

And shouting is only a weak mind

trying to show how strong it is.

(angry music)

(door slams)

(phone rings)

(audience laughs)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Have we been away long enough?

I took Mrs. Brown past the bargain counter.

I almost had to buy back my own jacket!

- I'm sorry, Tim.

You're going to have to keep her away a while longer.

If I don't put myself through the process immediately,

you're going to come home and find a soda cracker.

(playful chords)

(suspenseful music)

- [Martin's Thoughts] That cardboard cutout should keep

Brennan thinking I'm out there while I'm in here.

(door closes softly).

- Wait a minute.

I still don't know what it is,

but I'm positive he's up to something.

And if my knowledge of psychology is correct,

he's about ready to crack and spill the beans.

No, he can't hear me.

Sound asleep.

- Uncle Martin, I got her to stay downtown!

Uncle Martin?

Ah, Uncle Martin, I just got--

(surprised chords)

Oh, just look at you.

Oh, that's my fault.

- Strange new development, Marvin.

I'll call you back.

- I should've made you move out.

Just look at you!

You're all steamed out.

You're a cracker!

My poor, dehydrated Uncle.

You're a cracker.

Would you like a glass of water?

Anything?

Want to take a swim?

(electricity hisses)

- [Martin] Ah, Jupiter, Saturn, Pluto!

E equals M C squared!

- You can use your back!

- Not only my back, I can use my handcuffs.

- Oh no, oh no, no!

You don't want to go in there, no, no, he's busy right now.

He's terribly occupied!

He, he's cooking.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Cooking up what?

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

(Morse code beeps)

(playful trilling)

- I, uh, hate to be obvious, but what's going on here?

- What's going on?

- Did you say, what's going on?

Well, he, he...

- Yes?

- I'll be glad to tell you, Lieutenant Brennan.

- And I'll be glad to listen.

And I want the truth.

- Very well.

It all started because of the steam

that was coming out of my ears.

- Uncle Martin!

- Let him talk.

- As I said, the steam was coming out of my ears

because I was getting an accumulation of aggravation.

And since I don't want to become a soda cracker,

I am forced to put 300 degrees of cold into one ear

and 2,000 amps of electricity into the other,

keeping myself properly grounded.

All I'm really trying to do is stay well and healthy.

So that when the time comes,

I'll be able to get into my space ship and go back to Mars.

- That's the truth.

- My word of honor.

- I believe you.

(audience laughter)

(playful music)

- This uncle of yours...

- Yes?

- He needs help.

He really believes what he told me.

If a rescuer doesn't bring him around,

we have a very capable psychiatrist

who works with the department.

And if you like, I might even find time

to have a few private sessions with him.

I majored in abnormal psychology, you know.

- I didn't know that.

- Oh, yes.

Take my word, it's quite serious.

- I understand.

- Good.

And good luck.

(audience laughter)

- Quick, pull that switch!

I haven't much time.

- Oh, say when.

- When.

(scary chords)

(fizzing)

I guess so.

I feel completely depressurized.

- Well, I mean, I thought there was supposed to be,

you know, some kind of an explosion

or at least a little blinding light.

- Tim, don't you see?

The pressure was gone before you pulled that switch.

- How come?

- It was the sheer pleasure

of putting something over on that dime detective.

It's very simple.

Some people get heartburn.

I had Brennan.

(laughs)

(audience laughter)

(playful music)

(gentle music)

- Hey, you're not even using your finger.

- No, Tim, I feel so rejuvenated vitamins could take me.

- That's great.

Things could be different, you know.

I mean, that was some gamble you took

telling Brennan the truth.

- I was not gambling.

A gamble implies a chance to lose.

- Oh, but how could be sure that he'd believe you?

- Tim, Brennan is a man who thinks he knows people's minds,

and that's the difference between us.

Thinking you know, and knowing you know.

Besides, it just goes to prove

honesty is the best policy.

(audience laughter)

(playful riffs)

(lighthearted music)

(mysterious chords)