Original subtitles

(lively orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- [Tim] Oh boy.

- Too much topspin, Tim.

My head would never have gone over the net.

- I wish you would tell me when you're gonna work

on your invisibility mechanism.

What is this, a 5,000-mile check?

- No, I'm realigning the invisoflex.

- Oh, is that the invisoflex?

- Watch it.

- Hey, that racket cost me 15 bucks.

- Only a temporary loss.

As soon as the molecules rephase themselves,

it will reappear.

- Oh, oh I see.

Invisoflex makes things invisible.

- Good deduction.

You get A in logic, C-minus in timing.

Now why don't you run along to your match, huh?

- What, with an invisible tennis racket?

(audience laughing)

Oh here.

- Oh thanks, Tim.

You're making me nervous.

- Oh, sorry about that.

I'll just go.

Hey, look at that.

You left a dime in your toolbox.

- Tim, that's not a dime, and will you please put it back?

Carefully.

- Oh, what is this, some sort of a lucky coin?

- The most valuable thing I own.

It's my Martian identity disc.

- Oh, your dog tag.

- Exactly.

Without it, I might as well go into orbit and stay there.

That's my identification, my space vehicle license,

and my emergency distress signal.

- Emergency distress signal.

- It houses a complete microscopic sound tape.

When its owners life is in danger,

it goes off and calls for help.

Now will you please put it away?

- Oh, sure.

Now how is that? (metallic crashing)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, did you hurt yourself?

(whistling)

- Jupiter, Saturn, Pluto.

E equals MC squared.

(groaning)

- Uncle Martin, the chair.

- Don't worry about that.

My identity disc, where's my identity disc?

Oh, I've got a splinter of invisoflex in my finger!

- Here, look, here's your toolbox

and here are all your tools.

- Yes, all over the floor.

Hold everything, Tim.

Hold everything.

It never pays to panic.

Now let's sit down and think this over.

Now, now just as long as I don't touch anything

with this finger.

Ouch, you and your invisible tennis racket.

- You and your invisible couch.

(audience laughing)

(beeping)

(lively orchestral music)

- Any luck?

Any luck?

- No, I'm afraid nothing I tried got that invisoflex

out of my finger.

(audience laughing)

Conclusion verified, QED.

- QED and there goes my favorite painting.

How about tweezers in that thing?

- Oh, I tried that, too.

We now have two invisible tweezers and a bottle

of invisible iodine.

Oh Tim, run along to your tennis.

I can find that identity disc.

- No, no it was my fault that you lost it

in the first place.

- No, no Tim it was my fault.

Sometimes I forget what a strain it is

having a Martian around in your house.

Somebody who pops on and off like an electric light.

Keeps a spaceship down in your garage.

Makes your furniture disappear.

- Oh, don't be silly, Uncle Martin.

- No, no you've done your share

for interplanetary relations.

After I find my identity tag,

I'll move out and give you a vacation.

- Oh, now will you stop talking like that?

What do you mean?

Look, as far as I'm concerned, you are my uncle.

Oh, I'll admit that having a Martian around isn't easy,

but on the other hand, it has its good points.

It's been very educational.

So let's not have any more talk about moving, okay?

- Well, thank you, Tim.

Someday I'll make it all up to you.

- Uh, if you don't mind.

(audience laughing)

Don't tell me, you got water on the brain too.

- Not at all.

You try it, Tim.

- Hitting myself in the head?

- It's a scientific experiment.

Come on, Tim, come on.

Come on, it's important.

- Oh, well alright.

How hard?

I mean, would you like me to give myself

a nice mild headache or knock myself unconscious?

(audience laughing)

Oh boy.

Uncle Martin, you're right.

That's amazing.

- Remarkable phenomenon, isn't it?

- Yes, it's painful too.

- The invisible objects are still in the room, Tim.

The only reason we don't see them is because their molecules

are vibrating 90 degrees out of phase.

By hitting your head,

you vibrate your retina the same 90 degrees, hm?

- It vibrates more than my retina,

and it hurts right down to my toes.

(audience laughing)

Uncle Martin,

I found it.

- Where? - I spotted it, your dog tag.

- Where?

- Over there. - Where?

- That's it.

Yeah, yeah that's it.

No, a little more to the left.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, oh there it is.

No, no, no, I lost it.

- [Tim] Look there, a little more to the left.

More left.

That's it, Uncle Martin.

Oh, there it is.

- I lost it.

- There, a little more to the left.

Maybe if I give myself a real good clock.

Mrs. Brown.

I bet you wonder what I'm doing, don't you?

- Yes.

- Well, what I'm doing is,

Uncle Martin asked me to show him a dance.

A dance, yes, the swim.

And I'm showing him how to do the swim.

- Oh, really?

Is it anything like the big apple?

- Well no, not exactly, Mrs. Brown.

It sorta goes like this.

First you get the hips going, see.

Then you get the arms going this like, right?

And then you knock the water.

(Lorelei laughing)

- [Lorelei] Oh, is that cute.

Oh, do you remember the big apple?

Oh, when I was a girl, it was very popular.

First you sorta start like this.

- Well maybe some other time, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, are those for us?

- Oh, yes, I almost forgot.

Where's all the furniture?

- Oh, the furniture.

Yes, we sent the furniture out, Mrs. Brown, you see.

To have it reupholstered.

New springs and everything else, and it's at the shop.

- Bauer's Upholstery?

- That's right, and the desk is being done too.

- Well that's funny.

Mr. Bauer's on vacation and his shop is closed.

- Oh, well yes, I didn't wanna worry you, Mrs. Brown,

but what it was was burglars.

(audience laughing)

- What Tim means is that--

- Burglars?

Oh well now that's terrible.

You know, there's so much crime these days.

Well it's simply criminal.

Now why would they take that heavy old desk and couch

and leave that brand new TV set and that floor lamp?

- Well, you can't expect burglars to have taste, Lorelei.

- Oh, yes, well I guess you're right.

Well I better notify the police right away.

Oh, here, have some brownies.

It'll cheer you up.

Go ahead, they're delicious.

Come on.

Come on, have one.

Wait a minute, Lorelei.

Lorelei, wait.

- Moment to lose, Martin.

Detective Brennan goes to lunch early on Saturday,

and I think it's nice to always give

your friends the business.

Don't you, Tim?

- Yes.

Oh, these are delicious, Mrs. Brown.

- Thank you, Tim.

Alright, okay, alright don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

I never should've mentioned burglars in the first place,

but I coudln't think of anything else.

- Well I tried to send you a message by mental telepathy,

but as usual your line was busy.

However, I did find my identity tag.

- Oh, that's just beautiful, except that I can't see it.

How long do all these things stay invisible?

- Well depending on the molecular distortion,

it could be an hour, a day, a month.

- Oh that's just great,

and the police are arriving in 10 minutes.

I can just see myself trying to explain to Detective Brennan

why he's smashed his shin on a couch that isn't there.

- Right, let's get it out of here.

Come on, come on, come on and help me.

- I think by making this couch invisible, it became heavier.

Can't you just levitate it down the stairs?

- I can't levitate anything unless I can see it.

- Oh, okay.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

- Is anything wrong?

What's the matter, Tim?

- Nothing, Mrs. Brown, nothing.

- [Lorelei] Well why are you in that peculiar position?

- I was thinking.

- Oh, my goodness.

Well the way you're all stooped over like that,

you must have a terrible weight on your mind.

- Yeah, call it heavy thinking.

- Tim means we've been thinking about the burglars.

- Oh, yes.

- Did they lower the couch from the window

or were they able to carry it down this way?

So Tim and I are pretending to carry an imaginary couch

down the stairs just to see if it's possible.

Alright, go ahead, Tim.

Pretend.

- [Lorelei] Oh, that's marvelous acting.

Well I can almost see a real couch there.

- Yeah, well I was the best actor in the ninth grade

at Lowell High School, Mrs. Brown.

Watch the nail.

(fabric tearing)

Nice sound effect, Uncle Martin.

- Yeah, well I was the best sound effect man

in the ninth grade, and that proves our point

that they would have torn the material had they

taken the couch down this way.

- Oh, yes I see.

- Alright, now let's go one, two, three.

- That's it.

- No, no, oh no!

(shouting)

- Sound effects, sound effects, Tim.

Boop, boop, bang, bang.

Boop, beep, beep, bang, bang, boop, beep, boop.

- Oh my goodness, that was realistic.

Was that to test your theory that the burglars

let the couch fall down the stairs?

- [Tim And Martin] Yeah.

- Well my goodness, that certainly was convincing.

Well I can actually see the couch there.

- Mrs. Brown, you have a roast in the oven, don't you?

- Oh yes, lamb, why?

- I think that that roast is burning, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh dear.

- We gotta get the couch in the garage.

- There's no time, Tim.

We still have the desk and the table to bring down.

Now here, let's drag this against the fence

and we'll hope for the best.

- Oh good, I was the best hoper for the best

in the ninth grade.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm so glad you came, Bill.

That's why I sent for you.

- Yes, yes good thinking.

Morning, O'Hara.

- Morning, Lieutenant.

- What's the matter?

You two look exhausted.

- Oh, well that's because they've been thinking too hard

trying to puzzle out this burglary.

- What exactly was taken?

- Well a couch, a chair, a table, my desk.

Oh yes, and my favorite picture.

- Picture valuable?

Furniture antiques?

- Oh no, no the picture was from the dime store,

and it was just an ordinary green couch and a walnut desk

and a plain old chair.

- You mean, something like those down there.

- Oh, well they've come back.

- What do you know?

- They weren't there a moment ago.

- Of course they were, Lorelei.

This is what psychologists call precept bias

on the part of the witness.

Our thoughts were so concentrated on what we would find

up there that we didn't even think to look down there.

Correct, Mr. O'Hara?

- Lieutenant Brennan, I wouldn't dare set my opinion

against yours.

- That's the green couch, alright,

and it's amazing how accurate your theory was, Martin.

Look, that's where they tore the fabric with a nail.

But why would they take it in the first place

and then bring it back?

- I'll tell you why.

I'm operating on the theory the burglars weren't after

the furniture, they were seeking something valuable

hidden inside the furniture.

- Well as much as I dislike opposing the views

of a representative of law and order, Mr. Brennan,

I must point out that neither Tim nor I possess anything

which a burglar might consider valuable.

- Yes, yes that's right, Lieutenant.

So why don't we just forget the whole thing,

and if they come back,

Uncle Martin and I will take care of 'em.

- If you don't mind, O'Hara, I shall do my job as I see fit.

- Fine, but I don't think my coat will fit you.

- Your coat?

- My coat, Mr. Brennan.

- Well now isn't that interesting?

Perhaps you can explain this

and this and this,

all tools of the jewelry trade.

Perhaps you've been fencing a little on the side?

- We never saw those before in our life,

did we Uncle Martin?

- Well in that case, I shall have to take the coat

down to headquarters and check it out for further clues.

Hello, what's this?

Oh, just a dime.

Lorelei, since you're the property owner,

I shall need from you a complete list of all missing items.

- Uncle Martin, you said that dog tag of yours

gives off an emergency distress signal?

What does it say?

- Help.

(audience laughing)

We wish to see Detective Lieutenant Brennan.

Marin and Tim O'Hara.

- Official business?

- Yes, it's about a coat he's holding for evidence.

- Have a seat over there, and I'll call Lieutenant Brennan.

- You gentlemen don't recognize me, do you?

- No, sir, I'm afraid we don't.

- I am Gerald Waley, the actor.

- That's Gerald Waley, the actor.

- An honor, Mr. Waley.

- Perhaps you witnessed my performance

in King Tut Walks Again?

I was the mummy.

- You also appear in a small production entitled

Busting Up Jack's Bar and Grill.

- That was a misunderstanding, sir.

I was merely celebrating my latest epic.

- Here you are, O'Hara.

Apparently it is your coat,

although I wasn't certain you'd want it.

I thought perhaps I ought to turn it back in

to the salvation mission.

- Lieutenant, I demand to know why I'm being detained.

- You are being detained until the extent of damages

is determined at Jack's Bar and Grill.

Now you sit down there until we can get to you.

- Brennan, wait!

That coin, I believe it came out of my pocket.

- Come now, O'Hara, let's not quibble over a dime.

(audience laughing)

Surely it's worth 10 cents to have your coat guarded

by the entire police department.

- We are all victims of a police state.

- Here, O'Hara, take it.

I had no idea you were in such desperate straights.

- Oh no, thank you very much, Mr. Brennan.

Be my guest.

After all, it's only a dime.

- Your munificence overwhelms me, O'Hara.

(audience laughing)

- Look, can't you go in and take the coin out

the way it went in?

- Too many safety holding devices.

The only way I can get it out is through the change slot.

- Oh, that's tricky.

You are gonna jimmy a coin box in a police station?

- That is the lesser of my worries, Tim.

The emergency distress signal may go off at any minute.

- Well I thought you said that thing only sounded off

when your life was in danger?

- The disc is only a mechanism,

it has no way of knowing it's inside a cold drink machine.

It calculates that it is me, slowly freezing to death.

- How could you be slowly freezing to death

when we are in so much hot water?

- Will you kindly forego the quips for a moment?

Give me all your change.

Now you get over there

and keep the good Sergeant distracted.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Do you know what go means?

- Down with oppression.

- Look, I have a great idea.

Why don't we just slowly walk out of here

and catch the first rocket to Mars?

- I don't think that will be necessary.

I have an idea.

I'm going to make detective Brennan think the voice

coming from my coin is Mr. Waley trying out a new role.

- What's the matter, Sergeant, can't you handle your job?

- [Gerald] I am a Martian.

I am a Martian.

- No, no, no, no, no, speak the speech I pray you

as I pronounced it to you trippingly on the tongue.

Once again.

- [Gerald] I am a Martian.

- Very good, Mr. Waley, you're perfect for the part.

Now try the next line.

- I am friendly.

- They've gone off their rocker.

- O'Hara, this is a police station, not a rehearsal hall.

- Well Mr. Brennan, I was merely trying to be helpful.

I happen to know of a new television series

featuring a Martian.

Mr. Waley here would be ideal for the part.

- I am a Martian.

I am friendly.

- Oh bravo, that was marvelous, Mr. Waley.

You're a marvelous actor.

- Alright, knock it off.

O'Hara, you're up to something.

What is it?

Sergeant Leffler reports that you've been operating

this vending machine continuously.

Why?

- Well perhaps I was very, very thirsty.

- Yes, we were all thirsty, especially Mr. Waley.

He was rehearsing, you know.

- Come to think of it, O'Hara, you were uncommonly disturbed

about a dime I put in there.

Or was it a dime?

Was it really something more valuable than a mere dime?

- Of course it was a dime.

What else could it have been?

- [Distress Signal] I am a Martian.

I am friendly.

- Congratulations, Mr. Waley, you failed to mention

you were also a ventriloquist.

And I might add, a superb one.

- I am not a ventriloquist, sir, nor am I a Martian.

But there is a Martin representative among us,

and I have recognized him.

- Alright, Waley, suppose you tell us

who is the Martian among us.

- He is.

- [Distress Signal] I am a Martian.

- I know you are, friend.

I knew you fellows would come someday.

I didn't think you'd look like this.

- [Distress Signal] I am friendly.

- I am friendly too.

We're all friendly.

Welcome to Earth.

- Remarkable performance.

He's playing both parts at once,

and I defy anyone to detect lip movement.

- That does it!

I'm bringing the curtain down on this performance

as of now.

As for you two, kindly remove yourselves from the premises

or so help me I'll find some reason

to keep you here indefinitely, behind bars.

- But Lieutenant, the Martian.

Consider what this will do to interplanetary relations.

- I am not concerned with interplanetary relations.

I am concerned with running a taut police station.

- Tim, I had hoped that I would not have to go to extremes.

(metallic jingling)

- Nobody touches that money.

That money is is the sole property

of the benevolent association--

(shouting)

- Lieutenant, look, a slug.

Yes sir, a slug.

Why that's cheating the benevolent association--

- O'Hara.

- [Distress Signal] I am a Martian.

- Alright, O'Hara, let's have it.

O'Hara, what are you trying to get away with?

- Nothing, Mr. Brennan.

As you can see, nothing.

- I still think you're up to something.

- Let me admonish you, in the words of Ben Johnson,

they that know no evil, will suspect none.

(audience laughing)

What a day, Tim.

I never thought I'd get my identity disc back.

How much was Mr. Waley's fine?

- $25.

- Hm, we owed him a great deal more than that.

- When he tried to shake your hand,

he nearly got more than that.

Hey, you think that gadget's gonna settle the business

about the invisoflex?

- Well I hope so.

Since I haven't been able to extract the flex from my finger

I'm trying to neutralize it by reversing the polarity.

Well here goes.

(electrical buzzing)

Hm, hm, hm.

(audience laughing)

Eureka, it's cured.

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin.

- [Martin] Yes?

- I think when you reversed the polarity

you put in too much reverse.

What are we gonna do now?

- [Martin] I don't know what you're talking about, Tim.

Everything looks okay to me.

(audience laughing)

(lively orchestral music)