Original subtitles

- Uncle Martin.

Hold it.

- Please, Tim, please, no pictures,

until I get my old self-like figure back again.

- Well all this just to lose three pounds?

- Tim, it's imperative.

This spacesuit is engineered to the last ounce.

Why, if I were only one pound overweight,

it was cause a stable armature re-fracturing.

- Yeah?

What's that mean? (audience laughing)

- Simply put, I can't make any test hops

until I take off this weight.

It's all this soft Earth living.

- Oh, well why don't you give up

all this soft Earth living?

Stop the strudel, start the yogurt.

(audience laughing)

- Fortunately, that's not necessary.

The molecular equalizer in my spaceship

will take off the precise amount of weight

in a matter of minutes by collapsing my fat molecules.

There.

- Uncle Martin,

how do you know all the fat's in your head?

(audience laughing)

- Tim, please.

Now, this merely acts a thyroid depressant.

Now, will you go over there and throw

the green switch on the control panel?

- Sure.

(buzzing)

(tapping) (audience laughing)

I just wanted to make sure you were still there.

- Of course I am.

There seems to be a power drain of some kind.

Are you sure that you turned the green switch?

- Yeah, the one on the left.

- On the left? Oh no.

Your Earth's atmosphere must've oxidized

the red switch and turned it green.

- Is that bad?

(audience laughing)

That's bad.

(beeping)

(slow, ominous music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

You're gonna have to lose more weight than you thought.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, well I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

I admit it was my fault.

- Well don't worry about it, Tim.

There's no permanent damage.

- No, no.

If it was any smaller, we could always

play Tiddlywinks with it. (audience laughing)

- When you threw that switch, it reduced

the ship instead of me.

The ship's molecules packed into a much smaller space.

Now they're under tremendous tension.

The pressure will build up to a critical point

and the ship will expand to its regular size.

- Oh?

Well, when will that happen?

- Well, I can't tell without precise measurements.

Look, will you put this away for me?

And by the way, have you seen my molecular pressure gauge?

It has a handle with a flat head and a hole in it.

- Oh, is that that thing that looks like a bottle opener?

- Mhm.

- Yeah, it's up in the kitchen.

(audience laughing)

- Now that's what stands in the way of Earth's progress.

Confronted with something strange,

you either make a lamp out of it

or open a bottle with it. (audience laughing)

(slow music)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(barking)

- Hey, hey.

That's no bone, out you go. (audience laughing)

(chuckling)

(slow music)

Oh.

Gentleman, my father was the finest soldier

in all of France, on guard! (audience laughing)

Thank you very much, monsieur.

And that is how we won the war for the queen.

(barking)

Hey, I you to go outside.

(audience laughing)

(grunting)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

(buzzing)

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin.

- Tim, Tim, this is no time to be playing

the man in the iron mask.

Where's my spaceship?

- Oh, it's right there, it--

It's gone.

- Obviously, but where?

We've got to get it back.

Without these measurements, I have no idea

when it will expand to normal size.

Suppose it happened in a crowded place.

It could be a catastrophe.

Think Tim, think!

- Well I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

There was no one here except myself and...

- And who?

- Uncle Martin...

I think your spaceship has gone to the dogs.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(barking)

- Wow, Clyde boy.

What have we here?

Hey, looks kind of like the flying saucer I'm making.

Now which one of my competitors...

That's funny, no name, no patent number.

Well, it must be homemade. (audience laughing)

You wanna play Clyde?

Come on, here, fetch.

(slow, whimsical music)

(audience laughing)

Well how about that?

A flying saucer and a boomerang.

(dog whining)

No, no, not now, Clyde boy, not now.

Daddy's got an idea for a sensational new toy.

(audience laughing)

- Here, pooch.

(whistling)

Poochie. - Tim, Tim.

I wouldn't call him that.

Some dogs are very sensitive about it.

- Oh, well I wouldn't wanna insult him.

Here...

Here....

What do I call him?

Mr. Dog, sir? (audience laughing)

- It doesn't matter now, he's gone.

Ah ha.

- What, what, what is?

Oh, oh yeah, yeah I remember.

Uncle Martin, have you been up all night?

- Contact, finally.

- Oh, is it our little hairy friend?

- Mhm, coming up the street right now.

- Well I'll go out and grab him.

- That won't be necessary, you can let him in.

- Oh. (audience laughing)

Spaceship swiper. (audience laughing)

(dog vocalizing)

- Well yes, I certainly do wanna talk to you.

Where were you last night?

(dog vocalizing)

- Well? Where was he?

- Beyond the range of my antenna, staying with a friend.

(dog vocalizing)

He did? (dog vocalizing)

- What he did? Do?

- He stayed out all night.

- The friend?

- No, no, no, his master.

(dog vocalizing)

Yeah?

Scratches constantly, ay?

- His master?

- No, the friend. (audience laughing)

(dog vocalizing)

Well I sympathize with your problem.

But an unfortunate environment is no excuse

for taking things that don't belong to you.

(dog vocalizing) (audience laughing)

Now, where is my spaceship now?

(dog vocalizing)

What?

(dog vocalizing)

Oh no.

- What oh no?

- A boomerang?

- It's in Australia? (audience laughing)

- Worse than that.

It's in patent pending. (audience laughing)

- Oh, get my shoes.

- Ah, Dave.

Dave, the mold is perfect.

I wanna thank you for doing such a great job so fast.

We're gonna flood this country

with a boomerang flying saucer before that

Happy Toy outfit knows what boomeranged on them, huh?

(chuckling) (knocking)

Oh come in, come in.

Keep up the good work, Dave.

And remember, this toy business is dog eat dog.

Fortunately, I happen to have the right type of dog, eh?

I'll be with you gentlemen in a moment.

Joe?

What's going on down there?

- We're in time.

It hasn't started to expand yet.

- Let me get it for ya Uncle Martin.

Well after all I got you into this in the first place.

- Why do you think I'm hesitating?

- Joe, I would fire you in a minute if

you weren't my nephew.

(audience laughing)

Now, what can I do for you gentlemen?

- Mr. Albert, I'm a reporter, and I'm doing a feature story

on the modern and ingenious toys that are

being made these days.

- Oh, and who's he?

- Oh, I'm his cameraman. (audience laughing)

- [Mr. Albert] You've come to the right place.

We really make quality stuff here.

- Yes, well this looks like a very interesting toy.

- Oh, no publicity on this one.

Not 'til we get it on the market.

- Well, um, uh, uh, what about these?

- Oh, well, these are some of our finest sellers, oh yes.

This is our Poopy Doll, it sleeps.

This is our mama doll.

- [Doll] Mama.

- Says mama.

And this is our Stripteasy Doll.

It...

(audience laughing)

- That's real quality.

- Oh yes, and our dolls are also equipped

with space costumes.

As a matter of fact, I'm known as the king

of the space toys.

- Oh, I think we should get a picture

of the king of the space toys, don't you, Tim?

- Picture?

A picture, yes.

That's a splendid idea.

Now if you don't mind standing right over here?

- No, not at all.

- Perhaps if we had him fold his arms.

- Oh yes, yes, I think that would

accomplish our goal.

That's it, now fold 'em and look at the camera.

That's it, this way, look this way.

Got it, good, superb.

- Well I think we have what we want.

Thanks very much, king, Mr. Albert.

- Not at all.

Not at all gentlemen.

And keep your eyes open for our latest space toy.

It's going to be really big.

- Well it's amazing how big these things can become.

And who knows when it will happen.

- We better go now (chuckling).

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

- Not at all.

- Just call me Raffles O'Hara.

- If I were you, I wouldn't take up crime

as a full time career, Tim.

- Huh?

- This is not my spaceship.

- You sure?

- My ship would hardly be stamped,

"Manufactured by Jolly Toys."

(audience laughing) (upbeat music)

Don't blame yourself, Tim.

Who could've known he'd duplicate it already?

- Yeah.

Actually, it's sort of cute, you know.

- Cute?

Tim, that man stole the aerodynamic design

of my spaceship.

How could he do a thing like that?

- How do you think he became king of the space toys?

Speaking of stolen goods, do you know

where we can get a fence to get rid of this

hot spaceship we've absconded with?

- That's no problem.

(buzzing)

Now, Tim, for our real problem.

To find the men's locker room.

- The men's locker room?

- Mhm, ah, there it is, come on.

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

My spaceship is somewhere in this factory.

We'll have to search all of it.

- Yeah, well wearing this, who's gonna stop us?

- Hey, you.

- He is.

- Try to look as though you work here.

- Ya both look pretty puny, but I need you in shipping.

There's a rush order.

- I guess we look like we work here.

- That's alright, Tim, we have to start somewhere.

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

- Boy, did they duplicate your ship.

- Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

But in this case, as you Earth people say, who needs it?

- The crew worked all night makin' these.

Now all you have to do is put 'em on a conveyor belt.

- Huh? Oh, oh, yeah.

(grunting)

- What'd you expect?

This ain't a marshmallow factory, you know.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- To think that my spaceship is packed in

with these shoddy copies.

- Oh, well this is hopeless, Uncle Martin.

Now, we can't go through all of these boxes.

- That's not necessary, Tim.

When something goes wrong, my ship is programed

to respond to a certain tone by repeating that tone.

All that's required is to hum in A-flat.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, you're putting me on.

- No, no, no, no, I'm not.

Like this.

(humming)

(humming)

That's too low.

(humming)

(humming)

That's too high.

Now why don't you have perfect pitch like I have?

Now listen carefully.

(hitting) (dinging)

(humming)

(humming)

- [Tim] Hey, I'm doing it, huh?

(humming)

* Sweet Genevieve

* Sweet Genevieve (audience laughing)

* Our days may come

* Our days may go

* But still the hand (audience laughing)

* Of memory weaves

* The blissful dreams

* Of long ago (audience laughing)

- [Uncle Martin] Very good.

- I'm glad you enjoyed it.

We like for people working here to be jolly.

(laughing)

But you ain't gonna be working here

if you don't get them boxes movin'.

- Yes, sir, right away, sir.

- But don't fire us, sir.

We need this job, sir.

- I'll be down on the loading platform.

And you'd better get them boxes movin'.

- Yeah, right away, sir.

Like clockwork, sir.

- A very fast clock, sir.

- Tick tock , tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

- Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

- Let's keep it movin', Tim.

Or our oversized foreman will throw us out

before I can find my ship.

(humming) (humming)

(humming)

(humming)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(humming)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(humming)

(buzzing)

- You're not spraining your finger, are ya?

- No, it's in great shape.

Now keep going, keep going, keep going.

- I wish I could say the same for my back.

I forgot to hum that box. (audience laughing)

(humming)

(humming)

Oh. (audience laughing)

(humming)

(buzzing)

- My spaceship must be in one of these boxes, Tim.

- Hey you two, stop.

For Pete's sake, don't send anymore boxes down.

For little guys, you sure can move.

(audience laughing)

- Well it's just a question of knowing how.

- [Foreman] Hey Sam.

You got those boxes loaded from the other room?

- Other room?

(buzzing) (humming)

(dinging) (buzzing)

My spaceship.

My spaceship, Tim, there it goes.

- Where?

- On its way to Lacy's department store.

- [Foreman] Okay Sam, take 'er away.

- The foreman's comin'.

(buzzing)

(slow music)

Come on, Tim.

- Hey, you. (audience laughing)

Where's the other guy?

- Oh, I don't know.

He just disappeared.

- Where'd you think you were goin'?

- Coffee break?

- Not until you move the rest of the boxes.

- Oh, gladly.

- Not those.

Those.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

- All of 'em.

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

(slow, tense music)

(humming)

(humming)

- May I ask what you're doing?

- Well I'm just checking on the new stock, Miss Turner.

- When were you assigned to my department Mr...

- O'Hara.

I just arrived.

And may I say, it's a pleasure to be associated

with such a young and attractive department head.

- The last time I heard flattery like that

was the last time we had a new male clerk.

- Oh.

- But I do need a man around here.

- Glad to oblige, I'll take care of these.

- No, no.

That top shelf over there, that needs straightening.

You'll find a latter in the corner.

- Oh. (humming)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, look at these, dear.

Aren't they nice?

- May I help you?

- Oh.

I promised Edgar that if he was very good

for a whole 24 hours, he could pick out

any toy he wanted.

Didn't I, Edgar?

- Yeah.

And the 24 hours are up. (audience laughing)

- Well I'm sure Edgar would enjoy

one of our new flying saucers.

- Gimme it.

- I'll just write up the order.

Your name is Mrs...

- [Woman] Mrs...

Uh, Mrs...

- I'm sorry, I'll have to get another pencil.

I'll be right back.

- May I be of some assistance?

- Oh, well that young lady was taking care of us.

But we are in a hurry.

My little boy wants this toy.

- Oh, are you certain this is the one you want, young man?

(humming) (dinging)

- Yeah.

- Well I'm afraid this is the display model.

- Well that's the one I want, gimme it.

- Now Edgar, don't make a scene.

Let the man have his toy.

You'll get a better one, and then I'll buy you

a nice ice cream cone, alright?

- No. (audience laughing)

- Do you realize how hung up I got back there?

- Don't be angry, sir.

I have the flying saucer that you reserved.

It's right here. - Flyer saucer I reserved?

- There it is right there.

- I reserved that saucer?

Gimme my saucer, little boy.

- I will not, I want this one.

- Please, Edgar.

Wouldn't you rather have one of those rocket launchers?

They're twice as big as this.

- So what?

This one's growing. (audience laughing)

- I'll take that, sonny.

- What's going on here?

- I want my flying saucer and he's trying to take it.

- That's my shin.

And that's my flying saucer. (audience laughing)

- You shouldn't have done that, Edgar.

Especially when mother was gonna buy

so many nice things.

- Well, sir, we have plenty more in stock.

- Yes, but how do I know they're as good as this one?

No, miss, I want this one.

- Oh, I have the solution.

Whoever can pay for it can have it.

Uh, $4.98.

- Well that sounds fair.

Well, that's funny.

I can't find my wallet. (audience laughing)

- Oh, yes.

Well in that case, I guess it's mine.

(audience laughing)

I seemed to have left my wallet in my overalls.

(audience laughing) - I do have my credit card.

- In that case.

(audience laughing)

- Well in that case, here's five dollars.

Keep the change.

- Your clerk gave him the money.

- Lacy's new policy, anything to keep the customer happy.

Now give it to me, Edgar.

- You have to give him something for it.

That's the only way you'll get him to listen.

- Maybe with you, madam, but not with me.

- If you don't, I'll yell.

- Go ahead.

Well, what are you waiting for?

- 'Cause you don't care.

- On the contrary, I do care.

About you and your mother.

And as for you, madam, as a great poet once said,

"less or more, care you for the child,

"not what the child cares for."

Shall we go? (audience laughing)

- Um, what great poet wrote that?

- Me. (audience laughing)

- He took my toy.

Get it back or I'll yell.

- Go ahead and yell. (audience laughing)

(slow, tense music) (audience laughing)

(slow, tense music) (audience laughing)

- Okay, go, go.

Come on, it's clear.

Go, go, go.

- A few seconds more, it would've been

a bit crowded in here.

- Wouldn't you say that we still have just a little problem?

How are we gonna get this thing home?

People aren't used to seeing spaceships

floating down the street, they're gonna wonder.

- You're right, Tim.

(slow music)

Alright, it's an advertising gimmick, so what?

Well, it's a nice day for kit flying.

(audience laughing)

- As I said to Nathaniel Hawthorne

when he was writing The Purloined Letter.

Nat, the best place to hide something is in plain sight.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Uncle Martin, look.

I know you have to take your ship out

for some test hops now that you've got it back.

But would you do me one little favor?

Don't use that crazy reducing machine anymore.

Start using yogurt.

- Not yogurt, Tim.

A double portion of lobster thermidor,

with sour cream on top of the baked potato.

- That is the martian way to lose weight?

- That's anybody's way of putting on weight.

I want you to take a look at me now.

I have lost five pounds with all this running around.

(whistling) (audience laughing)

(dog vocalizing)

(audience laughing)

Clyde.

Clyde.

(dog vocalizing) (audience laughing)

No, no, no, Clyde.

I don't care if your friend is a Great Dane,

he cannot have this toy.

(dog vocalizing)

(buzzing)

(upbeat music)