Original subtitles

(cheerfully perky music)

- Anyway, I said it to her in words of one syllable.

Look, I said Mrs. Brown, all of the stuff

that's in the closets that we've gone through

that I'm gonna contribute to the rummage sale

you will find on the couch in the living room.

Now how can she possibly misunderstand that?

- And you overlooked one small but vital detail.

For all her many good qualities,

Lorelei has mind that absorbs information

like a dry sponge.

(audience laughing) - Yeah.

Well she had no trouble absorbing our

nice new clothes out of the closet, look!

This is my brand new sport coat,

$59.95 at the Elite Men's Shop last month.

Why here's my favorite slacks,

and there is my most expensive and good sweater!

- I'm afraid you're right Tim.

We're going to have to do something that will curb

Lorelei's impulsive generosity!

(audience chuckling)

- 25, 26, 27, 28, 29...

(audience snickering) (knocking)

29, 29, 29... (audience snickering)

Oh Martin am I glad to see you!

Oh Tim I can use you too!

- Yeah Mrs. Brown I have only very

serious but I'd like-- - Yeah hold up your hands,

hold up your hands!

- Hold up my hands? - Yeah.

Don't be silly, hold up your fingers!

Now it's 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35,

36, 37, 38, 39, I need three more, three more, three more.

(audience snickering) Ah, 39, 40, 41, 42!

42! (audience laughing)

- Wouldn't it be easier if Mrs. Brown

just grew some more fingers?

(audience laughing)

(pleasant music)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

- Incredible!

Appalling!

- What's incredible, appalling?

- Lorelei's financial situation.

- Uh, Tim, have you paid me the rent for this month?

- Oh, uh, well I uh,

I've been meaning to speak to you about that Mrs. Brown.

Uh, you see I came up a little short this month.

- Oh well that's perfectly all right Tim,

I just couldn't remember whether you'd paid me or not!

- Well uh, we'll come back later Lorelei,

uh, unless you have further need of our fingers?

- (laughs) Oh no, I think I can manage

with the ones I have, thank you!

(audience laughing) Bye!

- Goodnight Lorelei!

(suspenseful music)

That woman has absolutely no conception of balanced economy.

Too generous, lending money, not collecting rent.

The question is do I have a moral right to interfere?

- Well, yes I'd say so if--

- I could do it with the noodle soup.

(audience chuckling)

Tomorrow is Wednesday, Lorelei always

invites me to lunch on Wednesday,

and invariably makes a large kettle of noodle soup.

- Oh well then there's your answer right there!

All you use is--

Noodle soup?

(audience laughing)

(pleasant music)

(beeping)

(beeping)

(perky music)

("My Favorite Martian" opening theme music)

(charming music)

(doorbell buzzing)

- Oh hello Martin!

Lunch is almost ready!

- Uh, well I uh, I like mine

a little more well done Lorelei!

(audience laughing) Oh, no silly!

This is for Hobard!

Oh yoohoo, Hobard,

time for lunch sweetheart! (dog growling)

(audience laughing)

Now remember you manners Hobard, don't bolt your food!

(audience laughing)

(growling)

- Isn't that rather extravagant Lorelei?

Feeding prime beef steak to a dog that

doesn't even belong to you?

- Well what else would I do with it?

It's too expensive for me to eat!

(audience laughing)

(barking)

- What did you say?

(barking)

I am not jealous because you're eating steak

and I'm having noodle soup!

(audience laughing) (barking)

Enjoy it while you can, it may be

the last steak you'll get from Lorelei!

(barking) (growling)

Descending to your intellectual level I can only say,

sticks and stones may break my bones

but names will never hurt me!

(audience laughing)

(barking)

- But of course I had to send him the money!

After all, he is my first cousin by marriage,

on my aunt's side of the family!

(audience chuckling)

(Lorelei sighing)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience chuckling)

- I uh, I realize it's none of my business Lorelei,

but it seems to me your family take undue advantage

of your generous nature.

- Oh no they don't Martin, I never send any of them

one single cent until they come right out and ask for it.

(audience laughing)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience chuckling)

(somber music)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience chuckling)

(tense music)

- Lorelei, what are you doing?

- Oh I just had the most marvelous idea, Martin!

I can save all these noodles and use them

again the next time!

You know the old saying, waste not want not!

(audience laughing)

(tense music)

(audience chuckling) Oh, it's you Tim!

Pass, friend!

(audience laughing)

(frenetic music)

- Uncle Martin, uncle Martin!

Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Brown, she has a got gun!

She's got a shotgun, it's a two-barrel!

(audience laughing) It's huge!

- I know, I know.

How perceptive I was that day I said to Bobby Burns.

"The best laid schemes of mice and Martians,

"gang aft agley."

(audience chuckling)

- Well bully for Bobby Burns, but what is--

Mice, and Martians?

- I gave him permission to alter it for local consumption.

(audience laughing) - Oh, that was

very nice of you, now would you mind telling me,

what is Mrs. Brown doing downstairs, with a shotgun?

- She's guarding her life savings,

she no longer trusts the bank.

(audience snickering) - What did you do

with the noodle soup?

- Well there was a, what you might call,

slight over compensation.

(audience chuckling)

- How slight?

- Well there again, you might say it's like

a question of relativity, like, how high is up?

(audience chuckling) - Uncle Martin?

- Lorelei has become an absolute and unmitigated Scrooge.

There's no need for undue alarm Tim.

I've already taken steps to correct the situation.

I've invited her for dinner this evening.

I'll simply reverse the process, by again using

the same subliminal agent.

- Noodles. (audience snickering)

- Noodles.

However I am more worried about her

having all that money in the house.

If anything happened to it, I'd never forgive myself.

- Uh oh.

- What's the matter?

"Cat burglar invades Westside.

"An elusive cat burglar has successfully looted

"seven homes in the Westside area of

"more than $20,000 in cash,

"furs and jewelry in the past week."

- Uncle Martin, you have a problem,

(audience snickering) So I tell 'ya what,

you worry about the cat burglar,

I'll worry about the noodles.

(audience chuckling) (comically anxious music)

(knocking)

- Hello there! (audience laughing)

I was invited!

(audience chuckling) - I uh, won't you

come in Mrs. Brown?

Um, let me take that for you!

(tense music) (audience chuckling)

- I wish you hadn't done that Tim!

- I wish I hadn't either Mrs. Brown!

(audience chuckling) - All the money I have

in the world is in that bag.

You know you can't trust anybody with money these days.

(audience snickering) (comically perky music)

- Uncle Martin?

Company?

(audience chuckling)

- Good evening Lorelei!

My, how chic you look tonight!

- Oh thank you Martin!

It's just an old thing I've had hanging

in the closet for years, I've hardly worn

it at all and I thought it's about time

I got some good out of it!

(audience chuckling)) - Hmm, an excellent idea!

At any rate, dinner is served at the moment!

May I? - Oh thank you!

(anxiously perky music)

Mm, noodle soup.

- Yes, I uh, found a new recipe.

- Martin you shouldn't have gone to all that expense!

Well I could have rented you my noodles very cheap!

(audience laughing)

- That's very kind of you Lorelei, perhaps next time.

- I think I'll just save the rest of mine for later.

(audience snickering) - But Lorelei,

it will get cold!

- Oh no, not in this it won't.

(audience laughing)

You know the old saying, waste not, want not.

(audience laughing)

Well I must say boys I don't know when

I've enjoyed myself more!

Oh the dinner was simply delicious.

(audience snickering)

Oh and I've got enough in my bowser bag for lunch tomorrow.

(audience chuckling)

Well, goodnight boys!

Sorry you had to eat and run.

- Eat and...

Uh, Mrs. Brown?

You're leaving, we're not.

- Oh, on the contrary Tim, you haven't paid the rent,

and I have a very firm rule with all my tenants.

If anyone is more than one week in arrears,

out they go. (audience laughing)

(comically tense music)

- Do something!

- Well I'm afraid there's nothing I can do Tim.

She's within her rights.

- Goodnight Boys!

(audience chuckling)

(comically anxious music)

I'm awfully sorry, Martin, Tim,

I uh, well know this is a terrible thing to do

to my dearest friends but, well I,

I just can't seem to help myself.

(audience chuckling)

- Our first concern must be Lorelei,

we've got to protect her from herself!

- Yeah.

But who's gonna protect us, from herself?

(audience laughing)

(Martian powers humming)

(audience chuckling)

(barking)

- What?

(barking)

Well if you must know I'm testing for

inimical brain wave transmissions.

(audience snickering) (barking)

Well I don't know whether I can simplify it enough

for your meager understanding, but I'll try.

(audience chuckling) Now Lorelei has a great deal

of money in her house, there is reportedly

a cat burglar operating in the neighborhood.

By emitting certain reflective signals from my brain,

I can detect other brain waves and

identify them as friendly or unfriendly.

Now, will you kindly get lost?

(audience chuckling) (dog barking)

You're interfering with my transmission!

(barking)

Oh for the love of Pluto's pups.

(audience chuckling) Don't be so sensitive!

I never said I didn't like you!

(audience chuckling)

(barking) Well I did say that, yes.

(dog growling)

I don't approve of freeloaders, shaggy or otherwise!

(audience chuckling) (barking)

Now if the shoe fits, you wear it pal!

(audience chuckling) (barking)

Hmm.

(anxious music)

- Wha-What, what's going on?

- A policeman is patrolling the neighborhood,

under the circumstances I don't think it would be wise

to get involved in any lengthy explanations

of why we're taking the night air at 3:00 a.m.!

(audience chuckling) - Whatever you say, Mar...

(audience snickering)

(tense music)

(suspenseful music)

(cheerful music)

- Help, police, help!

Help!

(thumping)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience laughing)

Help, police!

(shotgun firing) (audience laughing)

(frenetic music) Help, police, help!

(Martian antennas eerily humming)

(audience laughing)

(comically anxious music)

- Ha ha ha!

(audience laughing)

Anyone know where I can find a, an all-night laundry?

(audience laughing)

- O'Hara, do you realize you're not only being

unfair to the taxpayers of this city

but you're keeping us up all night!

(mechanical buzzing) - I'm really sorry about that

Detective Smithers-- - I don't ca--

- but it's been a terrible week.

(mechanical buzzing) - Detective Smithers here!

Hello, hello! (mechanical buzzing)

(thumping) (mechanical buzzing)

What's the matter with this thing?

I'm gonna find out what's wrong with that,

now you stay put! (mechanical buzzing)

(audience snickering)

(anxious music)

(Martian antennas eerily humming)

(audience laughing)

- Hobard!

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughing)

I thought you two couldn't stand the sight of each other?

- I had to eat humble pie Tim.

I forgot the old Martian axiom.

Never willfully make an enemy.

You never know when you may need him for a friend.

Or in this case, for a witness.

(audience snickering) Hobard is the only one

who got a good close look at the cat burglar.

- Oh.

Well what are you doing here?

- I want to take a good look at the police mug books!

(audience chuckling)

Hmm?

Uh oh, your friend and benefactor

Mr. Smithers is about to return!

(Martian antennas eerily humming)

- Hold it just one second!

What do I do about him?

- Well I can't make him disappear too!

You'll have to keep Detective Smithers occupied.

(audience laughing)

- [Smithers] No more phone calls.

- Hi! (audience snickering)

I've decided to tell the whole story Detective Smithers!

- Very good, good, very good.

Maybe get this wrapped up in time for lunch.

- Yeah, yeah.

Well you see, it all started when I was a child.

- Uh. - Oh yes, there was this

apple tree in our neighbor's yard, and some of the branches,

(audience snickering) hung over, into our yard.

Well naturally some of the apples fell on our side

of the fence, oh yes!

(audience snickering) Yes, that's when it all began.

You see, I ate the apples,

that fell on our side of the yard.

And before I knew it, I was hooked.

(audience laughing) - Hooked?

- Yeah, I became

an apple addict. (audience laughing)

And I had to have more, and more, and more!

And then it happened!

- Then what happened?

(dog yipping)

What in the? (audience laughing)

Where did this mutt, mutt come from?

- Uh, I thought it was a police dog.

(audience chuckling)

- Let's get out of here, you're lousing up my schedule!

Police dog!

(tense music)

- Is that the guy? - Uh hmm.

Hobart says no question, no question about it.

Positive identification.

(audience snickering) Now all we have to do is to

invite him to lunch, here!

- Lunch here at the police station?

- Uh hmm. - Oh no no don't tell me,

I can guess, I have to order noodles soup, right?

- Three bowls full. - Three?

- Insist on it, it's your right as a taxpayer!

(audience laughing)

- Well O'Hara you gonna talk or

you gonna waste some more time?

- Uh, uh, no sir, I am, I'm willing to confess.

Right after lunch.

(audience laughing) - After lunch?

- Yeah well I, I confess better on a full stomach.

(audience chuckling)

(suspenseful music)

(machine clacking)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience snickering)

- Calling car 12, car 12, code 17,

proceed to 2727 Carlots Drive, assist officer.

Car 28, car 28, code four, proceed to

2040 North Genissee, bring suspect to station

for routine questioning.

Report to Detective H. A. Smithers, Burglary Detail.

Suspect is known as Henry Kipling Black, alias--

(suspenseful music) (audience snickering)

- Yes, this is Mrs. Brown! (audience chuckling)

Oh, about the burglary!

You want me to come down to the Police Station now?

Well I suppose I could, except it's almost lunch time.

Oh, you'll furnish the lunch.

(audience snickering) Free?

(audience laughing) Oh well in that case

I'll be right down!

- [Tim] I asked for noodle soup!

- And I told 'ya they didn't have noodle soup.

(audience chuckling)

- But uh, clam chowder?

- I've already got you pegged as a time waster.

Do I have to put you down as a trouble-maker?

(audience chuckling) - No sir.

You don't understand.

It doesn't work with clam chowder.

(audience laughing) - O'Hara you demanded

three bowls of soup, and you got three bowls of soup!

One, two, and three!

(audience snickering) Now eat and confess!

- All right all right come on now!

Get in there! - All right leave go will 'ya!

- All right! - Come on!

- Here's that guy Smitty you wanted picked up,

Henry Kipling Black.

- What'd I do, what'd I do?

What what what? (audience snickering)

I never done nuttin', what I do?

- I'll tell you what you did?

You stole Mrs. Brown's life savings, that's what you did!

- Who me?

- Yeah! - This way Mrs. Brown,

he's right in here. - I never!

- Mrs. Brown says you invited her to lunch.

- Wait a minute I didn't order anybody picked up,

and I didn't invite anybody for lunch!

- What are you talking about?

(all arguing)

(Martian antennas eerily humming)

(audience chuckling)

(all arguing)

(hand slapping) - Hold it!

(audience chuckling)

And who are you?

- Oh, that's Tim's uncle Martin, he's the other crook.

(audience snickering) Hello Martin.

- Good afternoon Lorelei.

- You are Martin O'Hara?

- That is correct.

I understand you have an all-points bulletin

out for my apprehension.

- Oh you can bet your sweet potato whistle I do.

(audience snickering) Now put the cuffs

on the character until we find out

what's going on here!

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience chuckling)

- What about my free lunch?

- Mrs. Brown, this is a police station,

not a free lunch counter!

(audience snickering) - Well!

You don't expect me to pay for it!

I went to considerable expense to come down here,

to get it for nothing! (audience snickering)

- Excuse me.

Gentlemen.

(audience laughing)

What are you two clowns trying to do, spoil the image?

(audience chuckling) - You see Smitty,

I don't know what happened, we, we

(audience chuckling) got the handcuffs out, and all

of a sudden, me and Red, were hooked together.

(audience chuckling)

- Lorelei, won't you join us for lunch?

- Oh thank you Martin.

- That's not noodle soup, that's clam chowder!

- I know, I was standing just outside

the door when they delivered it.

Here. (audience chuckling)

- Yes?

(tense music)

(audience laughing) - What's going on here?

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience laughing)

- Have some noodle soup!

- I wha, no thanks mister, I-I ain't hungry.

(audience laughing)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

As long as I ain't going anywheres anyway (laughs)!

(tense music)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience chuckling)

(Martian finger eerily humming)

(audience laughing)

- Hey Uncle Martin?

- Yes?

- That's what I call using the old noodle.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music) (Tim whistling)

- Allow me to congratulate you Tim,

on an excellent story about the cat burglar's confessing.

- Well thank you uncle Martin.

Hey how 'bout that!

Byline and everything!

Hey listen we better hurry, huh?

We don't want to keep Mrs. Brown and my date waiting.

- Oh quite sure.

You know it will be a pleasure to dine with Lorelei again,

especially now that she's her old self.

- Oh uncle Martin by the way, um, about my date, tonight?

Well, lately she's been sort of, um, distant,

you see, so I thought maybe tonight, you might uh,

rearrange her noodles for me?

(audience chuckling) - Well of course Tim,

I shall be delighted!

- Ah, you're just a great guy!

(audience snickering)

- You realize of course that if the scheme

should go agley this time, that you could end up married?

(audience snickering) - Married?

- Married. (audience chuckling)

- Uh, uncle Martin, uh forget,

forget, forget the noodles!

(audience chuckling)

Uncle Martin we'll eat out at the pizza parlor!

(audience laughing)

("My Favorite Martian" closing theme music)

(reverberating tone)

(thunder rumbling)