All language subtitles for My.Favorite.Martian.S02E18.Martin.Report.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb

(typewriter rattling)

- Earth children are born

without their faculties
fully developed.

Hold it.

Continue please.
(typewriter rattling)

Therefore I suggest all
children be deep frozen

until they reach
the age of reason,

at which time they
can be thawed and--

- Uncle Martin!

You can't do that,
deep freeze children.

- Of course you can, Tim,

you merely reduce the
body temperature--

- No, no, no, that's
not what I mean.

I mean that is a terrible idea.

- On the contrary Tim,

it's a practical
solution to the problem.

Now, to continue,
(typewriter rattling)

- [Tim] I thought
you liked children.

- I do, my suggestion
to deep freeze them

is strictly for
their own benefit.

- Turning them into popsicles,
that you consider a benefit?

- You are missing
the point, Tim.

As you earth children do
not have full faculties,

they cannot be productive.

All they can do is play.

Seeing adults accomplish
things and themselves not,

there is self-dissatisfaction,
frustration, unhappiness.

By suspending animation
until the child

can become fully productive,
we spare them the unhappiness.

- Uh-huh, and on
Mars, I suppose you

deep freeze the young ones?

- Martian children
are born adults.

They are spared the
ordeal of childhood.

- The ordeal of childhood?

Well, maybe you consider
it an ordeal, but we don't.

All right, so there's
no crying need

for this world to have
mud pies and hopscotch.

But still, that is no reason

to turn your children
into ice cubes.

For example, what do you do on
Mars when company comes over?

Does Mama go over to
the ice bucket and say,

"See the baby?"

- That isn't the way it's done,

and it happens to
be an intelligent
approach to the problem.

- Well, there isn't any problem.

- There certainly is a problem.

- There is not!
- There is a problem.

(typewriter exploding)

(dizzy winding)
(spring popping)

Now look what you've done.

- I've done!

- Yes, you've done.

You fed the machine a
mass of contradictions,

and it's had a
nervous breakdown.

(audience laughing)

- Well, maybe we can
find a psychiatrist

who services typewriters.

- That is not funny.

- Oh, all right, maybe it isn't.

But I still think
you miss an awful lot

by not having children
around who act like children.

Well you do, you miss the
normalcies, the little,

(glass shattering)

- You were saying?
(audience laughing)

(electronic beeping)

("My Favorite Martian
Theme" by George Greeley)

(cheery music)

- What's the temperature?

- 142, it's normal.

No thanks to that poor,
unhappy little child.

- Well now, how do you
know he was unhappy?

Well how do you, I mean, you
were the one that told me

that when Martians were
born they were adults,

so you never were a child.

As a matter of fact,
you don't even know

what childhood is really like.

You know I wish you'd
been with me the other day

when I went over to
the childrens' home

to do this article on
their out-care program.

Maybe if you had a little
personal contact with children.

- Well, this was personal
enough, thank you.

- Uncle Martin, do you realize

that you are drawing conclusions
without any research?

That is very un-scientific.

No seriously, I bet you'd
change your report in a minute

if you knew what
childhood is really like.

- I doubt it, but I may just
take you up on that bet.

If I had a specimen to observe.

- A specimen?

Oh now, you don't
mean a, a child?

- Unless we're talking
about pollywogs,

of course I mean a child.

The question is,
where would I get one?

- Why don't you look in

the pink and blue pages
of your telephone book.

(audience laughing)

- Look in the pink and blue
pages of the phone book,

smart-alec.

I'll show him who's
un-scientific, and who's right.

- Your nephew's newspaper
article has certainly

made our out-care program
a success, Mr. O'Hara.

In fact, we're having
trouble supplying

all the children who
are wanted for weekends.

- Then you don't
have one for me?

- Well, Doris is
still here, but,

- Nobody seems to want her?

Mm-hmm, a terribly
unhappy child, no doubt.

- Well, I wouldn't exactly say,

- I'll take her.

- Well I'm afraid it's
not quite that simple.

There are certain requirements.

For one thing, there
has to be a missus.

- On the premises?

Well, there most certainly is.

And you couldn't ask
for a nicer woman.

- Oh, why didn't she drive
out with you this morning?

- Well, she's very, very
busy with some brownies.

- A den mother!
(audience laughing)

How lovely.

Well, knowing your
nephew as I do,

and now that I've met you,

I think we can let
you take Doris.

However, I must
warn you, she's--

- Say no more.

Just lead me to the poor,
unhappy little creature.

- Fine, I'll have someone
show you to Doris' room.

Marie?

Will you show this gentleman
to Doris' room please?

Good bye, Mr. O'Hara,
have a nice weekend.

- Goodbye, and
thank you very much.

(cheery music)

Miss Ainsley, will you
tell the investigator

to add Doris' name
to his checklist?

He can drop in on
the O'Haras any time.

Mm-hmm, we're trying again.

But this time, I have a feeling

everything's going
to go smooth as pie.

- I dropped it.

- [Martin] Obviously.

- How come you're not mad?

- Because I understand
why you did it.

And how difficult it is to
be a child in an adult world.

Now if you'll get the dishes,
we'll set the table for lunch.

Well, you're just
in time for lunch.

- I gather you're
feeling better?

- Fit as the proverbial fiddle.

- Well that's good.

Uncle Martin!

- Watch the pie.
(audience laughing)

Oh now, don't worry, Tim.

Your clothes will
clean all right.

Of course it will be rather
expensive to repair the car top.

- Oh, what happened
to the car top?

- Doris punched a hole in it.

But your golf club
wasn't damaged too much.

- My golf club?

- That's what she used to
punch the hole in the car top.

(audience laughing)

however, the side windows
only got a little cracked.

- Uncle Martin,

- She's belligerent
because she's unhappy, Tim.

Deep freezing would spare
her this unhappiness.

- Oh, I suppose you've already
turned her into a Popsicle.

- Don't be ridiculous,
she's in the garden, why?

- Well, I am going
to take her back.

- Nonsense, I've just
begun to prove my point.

- Uncle Martin, you
can't have a child.

- Of course not.

- No, no, that's
not what I mean.

What I mean is this,
when you take a child,

an investigator comes around
to ask all kinds of questions.

Questions that I know
you cannot answer.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna call
the home right now

and tell them to
take Doris back.

(knocking at door)

Too late.

- It's only Mrs. Brown.

I'll get rid of her.

- Hello, you all.

These are for you.

- They're lovely, thank
you very much, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, but they're not from me,

your little visitor
gave them to you.

- Oh, she probably thinks
I'm allergic to roses,

and is getting even
with the adult world.

- Ding-a-ling, Uncle Martin?

- Oh, I'm wanted on the
phone, goodbye Mrs. Brown.

- But I'm not in a hurry.

- Oh, of course you're not.

- Mr. O'Hara I presume?

I am from the orphanage.

- Where Doris is from.

- Charming.

- Oh, this is my nephew, Tim.

- How do you do?

And I suppose this
lovely lady is--

- Is the light of my life.

- Martin, why, I'm speechless.

- Let's keep it that
way, coochie-coochie-koo.

- Oh and a
kee-kee-kee-kee-koo to you.

- Oh I do like to see
an affectionate couple.

Well, obviously there's nothing
for us to worry about here.

A lovely home, and
a loving couple.

Carry on.

And do have a
goody-good weekend.

- We certainly will, bye.
- Bye.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Brown.

- What happened to the
kitschy-kitschy-koo?

(audience laughing)

- Wanna try?

- Of course not.

But if you insist.

How about that, huh?

- Bang, bang!

Gotcha, you ornery critter.

(audience laughing)

- How come I'm always the
one that has to get shot?

- Well, you've
got the black hat.

- Well, goodnight,
Lady Guenevere.

- Good night, Sir
Lancelot, and thank you

for saving me from
the firy dragon.

- Oh 'twas nothing dear lady,
I slay dragons all the time.

- You're fun.

- You're fun too.

- I wish,
- What?

- Never mind.

- Go ahead, what do
you wish for, a pony,

a day at the beach, a
visit to the circus?

- I wasn't wishing for me.

I was wishing for you.

- For me?

- Mm-hmm, I was wishing
that you weren't a grown-up,

and we could go on
fighting dragons

and building magic castles.

But I guess it's too
silly for grown-ups.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

We grown-up even
do sillier things.

Good night, princess.

- Guinevere wasn't a
princess, she was a lady.

- You're a lady and a princess.

(Humming to "Way down
upon the Swanee River")

(pencil lead cracking)

- Well, Doris, she's gone.

Why would she,

Oh, she saw your report.

Did you make notes on her?

- I feel awful, Tim.

Why do I feel so awful?

- Oh I don't know,
that's because

your involvement with
her is purely scientific.

I should live so long.

- No sign of her out in back.

- Not out front either.

(telephone ringing)
Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Perkins!
(audience laughing)

What, but, but, it'll
be fine, Mrs. Perkins.

'Bye, Mrs. Perkins.

- What's the matter?

- Mrs. Perkins is coming over
to pick up Doris at 8:00.

You know it's too bad you
didn't deep freeze her.

Now all you'd have to
do is thaw her out.

- Tim, that is not cricket.

- Well all right, I'm sorry,
Uncle Martin, you're right.

- We don't have
any time to waste.

Come on, we've got to find her.

- Doris!

Doris!

(electronic tones)

What are you doing?

- I'm utilizing my
supersonic electro-detector.

I can pickup human
electron vibrations

when my thought processes

are tuned to the
subject in question.

- Oh, why didn't you say so?

Are you trying to tell me
that you can locate Doris?

- I'm afraid it's not
quite that simple, Tim.

The detector merely guides
me in the general direction.

We're definitely
on the right track.

(thunder cracking)

- Boy, it looks like
it's gonna pour.

Gee, I wonder if she could have

headed over to the
old Miller place.

- The old Miller place?

- Yeah, it's about
a half-mile ahead.

Of course no one
lives up there now.

Supposed to be haunted.

Hey, that's not
exactly the best place

for a kid to try
and take refuge.

Maybe we better get the car
and drive back up there, huh?

- Hold it, Tim.

She might not have reached
the Miller place yet.

I suggest we leave the
car here, split up,

with you taking the back way

and me taking the
front way on foot.

We can both meet at
the Miller place,

once we've scoured
the half-mile ahead.

- Well look, you
go ahead and start.

- I'll catch up with you.

I have to put the top
up on my car first.

(thunder cracking)

- Doris.

Doris?

Doris?

(wind whistling)
(door banging)

(steps creaking)

(shutters banging)

Doris.

Doris?

Doris?

- Doris?

(stuttering) Doris?

Uncle Martin?

- Now, what in the
world made him do that?

I know I'm no raving beauty but,

Well, as I live and breathe.

Tim, it's me, Uncle Martin.

- Uncle Martin,
you, you're, you're

- I know, like something off
the label of an iodine bottle.

- What happened?

- I was struck by a bolt of
lightening on the way here.

Receiving all that excess power

overloaded my generating system.

That in turn, knocked out my
positive photo-electric cells,

leaving me in the negative
form, much like your x-rays.

- Oh, that's just great.

What do we do now, take you
down to a hardware store

and have them re-wire you?

- Tim, this is no
time for levity.

Time is running out, and we
still have to find Doris.

Well, I didn't see hide nor
hair of her on the way here.

- She's in this house somewhere.

My detector registered
1,000 millicycles

as soon as I got inside.

- Boy, that's a relief, I,

Hey just a second.

You can't run around and
let her see you like that,

in your condition, you'd
scare her half to death.

- You're right.

You'll have to locate
the main power switch

to give me the positive
recharge I'll need.

- Uncle Martin, no one has lived
in this house for 10 years.

None of the power is on.

- Then we'll simply
have to improvise.

We'll try the
electric fluid theory.

It's rather simple really.

Each body contains
two electrical fluids,

which are self-repulsive,
yet mutually attractive.

By our acting as positive poles,

we'll make a positive
and negative.

We'll have to work fast.

Doris, she's about
to come downstairs.

Well come on, put up the
old antennas and disappear.

- I'm afraid I can't in
the condition I'm in.

Quick, get out of sight.

I'll hide in the closet and
try to get her back upstairs

without frightening
her too much.

(bones clicking)

(doors banging open)

- We better find that
master switch before Doris--

- We're in luck, I found
it in the closet, come on.

The boosters and
power lines are there,

right over the master switch.

With the power off,
it's safe for you

to pull the lines out so
we can wire ourselves up.

- Right.

What was that for?

- We'll need some generating
source to spark us.

- You're gonna use a
rug as a generator?

- Most carpets and
rugs can serve as one,

if you rub your
feet across them.

Grab the other wire
and start rubbing.

Hands out, facing each other.

All right Tim, throw
the main switch.

- All right, but I
sort of feel like

the warden at Sing Sing.

(electrical arcing)

(Doris screaming)

- Let me out of here,
this place is haunted!

- Doris, stop it, dear, no.

(screaming)

Those noises you heard
was just the wind.

There aren't any
ghosts or goblins.

- Oh no, you're one.

You wanted to deep freeze
me, I saw what you wrote.

- But that was before
I knew any children,

or what it was
like to be a child.

I made a mistake.

- You did not.

It's awful to be a child.

- How can you say that?

Didn't we have fun together,

slaying dragons and
building magic castles?

- But you really didn't
want to do all those things.

You just wanted to
study me, like a worm.

- No, like a child.

And like a child,
you trusted me.

I let you down,
Doris, and I'm sorry.

You know, it's a funny thing.

But adults always think that
they give so much to children,

when it's children
who do the giving.

You gave me a lot, Doris.

- Me?

- You gave me a taste of
the joys of childhood.

And I thank you for that.

- I did that?
- You did.

- But what about your report?

- I no longer feel the way I
did when I wrote that report.

It's not children who
need to be frozen,

but adults who need
to be defrosted.

Now, what would you say about

a nice double-scoop
banana split,

with loads of chocolate syrup

and marshmallow and
nuts and cherries?

- Uncle Martin, what
about Mrs. Perkins?

- Well, we'll invite her along.

After all Tim, we're
one lady short.

I've got my date,
but you'll need one.

(audience laughing)

- Some people just don't
know how to keep house.

- See you next Saturday.

- Right, bang,
bang, bang, gotcha!

- Now listen, next time I
get the white hat, okay?

- I doubt it.

Well, good night.
- Good bye.

- Tim, would you mind
taking some dictation?

- Well, yes sir, yes sir.

- Martian report number one,

- Martian report one,

- Subtitle: A
Recommendation to the

Interplanetary, Correlative
and Explorative Society.

That they examine the
possibility of establishing

a period of childhood
for Martian children.

And a recommendation
to earth people,

that after achieving
maturity, each adult

receive childhood shots.

So that they will never forget
what it is to be a child.

What's the matter, Tim?

- Nothing, nothing.

I was just thinking.

You know, you are
my favorite Martian.

(cheerful music)

("My Favorite Martian
Theme" by George Greeley)

(upbeat electronic music)