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1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,671
[opening theme music playing]
2
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,327
[Deezy] I just wanna
welcome everyone
3
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,068
to the official
housewarming party.
4
00:00:37,104 --> 00:00:39,174
I finally got my place
looking the way I wanted.
5
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,136
So, um...
Cheers, team.
6
00:00:41,174 --> 00:00:42,574
[Marquess] Cheers.
7
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,578
Eh... Hmm.
8
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:48,710
Mmm. Huh?
9
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,115
This is fun.
10
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,154
Ah.
11
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:00,494
Oh, the candles
are a nice touch.
12
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:03,297
Well, there's no
electricity out here,
no running water.
13
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,330
You got running water.
The pool.
14
00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:06,895
Oh, that's true.
I'm not complaining.
15
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:09,533
I got the pool.
I bathe in the pool.
16
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:11,199
Attitude of gratitude.
17
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,108
Hey, anyone care for
one of these
pigs in a blanket?
18
00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:14,410
I don't know.
19
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:16,641
Do any not have
bird shit all over them?
20
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:19,006
[bleep] You, Pigeon.
21
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,145
Oh, good.
Looks like we got
a mystery.
22
00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:24,551
Hopefully the kind that
send us so we can get
the [bleep] out of here.
23
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,284
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
24
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:29,019
My husband and I
had dinner at our friends,
the Stevensons.
25
00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:31,515
Naturally, we sent them
a thank you card.
26
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:33,058
But now they've
sent us flowers,
27
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,133
thanking us for
the thank you card.
28
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:38,032
Are we supposed to send
another thank you card?
29
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,904
Obviously this isn't
an emergency,
but we'd love your help.
30
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,874
Warmly,
Shelley and Phil Holbrook."
31
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,673
Ooh, that sounds like
an emergency.
32
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,474
Sorry, Deezy,
we gotta go.
33
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:47,736
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
34
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,174
I just wanna thank
everyone for coming
35
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,979
to my beautiful home,
36
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,811
which I would not have
if it weren't for
your generosity, Mike.
37
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,906
Truly, without this place,
I would be homeless.
38
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,478
Yeah. Come on,
let's go.
39
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,846
[Pigeon] Watch it!
[screams]
40
00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:01,215
My body's on fire!
Open the [bleep] door!
41
00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:02,924
[shudders] It's locked!
42
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,086
I didn't want nobody
to leave early,
so I locked it.
43
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,125
[all screaming]
44
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:16,735
Good party, Deezy.
45
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:23,282
Pig in a blanket?
46
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,610
Don't mind
if I do.
47
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,584
Mmm.
These are beautiful.
48
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:28,013
Is this the bouquet
they sent you?
49
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:31,748
This is the $100 bouquet
the Stevensons sent us.
50
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,415
We looked it up
online.
51
00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:34,723
Wow, that's nice.
52
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,324
It's extravagant!
53
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:37,816
And unnecessary.
54
00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:40,887
Who gives a thank you gift
for a thank you card?
55
00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:42,587
Now what are we
supposed to do?
56
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:44,329
Wait, so your...
So your problem is
57
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:46,504
deciding whether or not
you have to now
give something
58
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:48,133
in return for the flowers?
59
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,428
Yes!
60
00:02:49,469 --> 00:02:51,299
The Stevensons have
put us in
an awful position.
61
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:52,868
It's truly untenable.
62
00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:55,473
White people problems.
63
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:58,638
The most fascinating
problems of all.
64
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,678
I myself would not
have given a shit.
65
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,354
But you are the client,
66
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:06,552
and therefore we will
pretend like this
is a real problem.
67
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,986
May I have another
little hotdog in a towel?
68
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,593
None of this
would have happened
69
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,425
if we'd just done
what I said.
70
00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:15,130
-But Shelley...
-It's true.
71
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:17,861
I said we should have
been the ones
to send flowers.
72
00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:19,457
That would have
been overkill.
73
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:21,199
A card was
absolutely appropriate.
74
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:22,704
Well, obviously it wasn't,
75
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,736
because they
sent us flowers
to make a point.
76
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,301
They're [bleep]
with us.
77
00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:27,569
[gasps]
78
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:29,738
Oh!
79
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,583
I'm sorry.
80
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,751
This is just all
very stressful.
81
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,680
Well, what about getting
them a bottle of wine?
82
00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,015
[Marquess]
Ah, I love that.
83
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,720
Wine is perfect.
That should end this.
84
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,192
And you don't have to
go crazy.
85
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,820
Just do like $20 to $30
pinot, or cab, or zin.
86
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,787
-Oh. Hmm.
-Oh.
87
00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,825
We can't thank you enough.
88
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,202
Just send us
a thank you card,
89
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,130
and we'll send you
some flowers,
90
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:55,595
and then you'll send us
a nice pinot,
or cab, or zin.
91
00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:01,708
[Deezy] I wanna thank
everyone for coming
to my grand reopening,
92
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,411
a.k.a.
Housewarming Party Two.
93
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:06,013
It took a lot of
blood, sweat and tears
to rebuild.
94
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,176
Literally.
95
00:04:07,213 --> 00:04:09,383
I cut myself many times,
and I cried every night.
96
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,376
And as you remarked about
the body odor smell when
you came in here, Mike,
97
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,019
I also sweat a lot.
98
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,164
But I did it,
and now I have
a roof over my head.
99
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,517
Again.
100
00:04:19,559 --> 00:04:21,589
[Marquess]
Oh, thank God.
101
00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,358
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
102
00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:26,456
the situation with
the Stevensons has gone
from bad to worse.
103
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:27,769
Please hurry.
104
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,571
Warmly,
Shelley and Phil Holbrook."
105
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:33,002
Well, Deezy, as they say,
all good things must
come to an end.
106
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:35,739
Or bad things.
Like this party.
107
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,075
Oh, I got that locked.
108
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,040
Let me get that for you.
Pardon me.
109
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,846
Ooh! What's the smell?
110
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,181
Oh, that's me.
111
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:44,946
I gotta get in that pool
and take a shower.
112
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:51,585
This is such a mess.
Such an absolute mess.
113
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,994
We are going crazy here.
114
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,626
We want off
this rollercoaster!
115
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,061
Okay. Okay.
Now, look.
116
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,226
Take a deep breath
and tell us what happened.
117
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:02,625
We sent them
a bottle of wine,
and they hated it.
118
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:03,939
Now, Shelley,
we don't know that.
119
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,640
We never heard from them.
120
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:08,112
We sent it two weeks ago
and we never got
a thank you letter.
121
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,971
I thought you didn't want
a thank you letter?
122
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:13,109
We didn't want
a thank you letter
thanking us for the wine.
123
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,806
We just wanted
some acknowledgement
124
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,248
that they'd received it.
125
00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:18,582
Because for all we know
it got lost in the mail.
126
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:20,618
But either way,
it's a disaster.
127
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,393
Either they never got it
and they think we're
ungrateful for the flowers,
128
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,123
or they did get it,
129
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,258
and they think it wasn't
enough of a thank you
for the flowers.
130
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:29,463
Oh, God.
Phil, we are [bleep].
131
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,896
-[both gasp]
-Shelley.
132
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,700
[sobs] Oh, God.
133
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,072
I'm sorry. [sobbing]
134
00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:38,842
I mean, I have known
white people my
whole life,
135
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,112
and I'm no closer
to understanding them.
136
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,071
They are truly fascinating.
137
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:45,309
Michael.
How can we help you?
138
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,805
Murder Phil and Shelley?
139
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,506
Ha ha! Oh.
140
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:51,618
I'm sorry. I thought
you were asking how
you can help me.
141
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:53,281
Would you go over
to the Stevensons
142
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,049
and find out if
they got the wine
143
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,888
and how they
feel about us?
144
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,925
[woman]
It's a bedside valet
145
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:06,633
for your cufflinks and
your bits and baubles.
146
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,566
It's cute,
147
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,001
but it's a bit personal.
148
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,766
Not that I don't love it,
because I do love it,
149
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,165
and I'm gonna
get it for myself.
150
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,566
[chuckles]
151
00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:15,867
Hold on.
152
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,479
Don't move.
153
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,610
I have something
in the back.
154
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,376
What are we
doing here?
155
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,854
Well, we can't just
go over to the Stevensons
empty handed.
156
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,153
That's rude!
157
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,545
We need to bring
a little something.
158
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:27,786
Not too much of a thing,
159
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,121
because we don't even
know them.
160
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:31,885
But we definitely have to
bring something.
161
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,955
Ah, I think
I finally get it.
162
00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:35,863
White people don't
have any problems,
163
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,595
so they have to
create problems.
164
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:43,840
What about this pair of
vintage Italian
ceramic roosters?
165
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,740
[gasps dramatically]
166
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:53,336
Of course we received
the wine, and we
threw it in the trash.
167
00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:56,609
Oh, my God! Just when
I think I was
starting to get it.
168
00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,049
Why would you
throw it away?
169
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,784
Because it was
a slap in the face.
170
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:01,249
It was designed
to injure.
171
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:03,147
That wine was
meant to ridicule us.
172
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:04,459
The night we had
them for dinner,
173
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:06,491
Kip had
a little too much to drink.
174
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:09,386
Goddamn it, Alicia.
I had three glasses of wine.
175
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,999
I can't have three
glasses of wine
in my own home?
176
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:15,172
I have a very
stressful job.
177
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:16,871
Kip is a financial advisor
178
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:20,073
for a major Fortune 500
company.
179
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,836
With all due respect,
180
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:24,435
they actually sent you
the wine to thank you
for the flowers.
181
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:26,177
Why would they thank us
for the flowers?
182
00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:28,712
The flowers were a thank you
for their thank you card.
183
00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:29,908
It was over.
184
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,479
No, they had to
get their dig in.
185
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:34,388
I drink because I like it,
not because I have to.
186
00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:36,450
Well, now the ball
is in our court.
187
00:07:36,489 --> 00:07:38,889
Perhaps we could send
them a gift card
from Williams Sonoma?
188
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,225
Yes, that's perfect.
189
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,860
That's just what
those [bleep] deserve.
190
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,456
[gasps]
191
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,027
Wait, now I'm bewildered.
192
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:48,025
Why would you send
Shelley and Phil
193
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,737
a Williams Sonoma gift card
if you're mad at them?
194
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,540
Because they're
not well off.
195
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:53,872
And they'll be
reminded of that fact
196
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,407
when they use our gift card
197
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:58,241
to get something they couldn't
afford on their own.
198
00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,878
[Mike] What?
199
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,353
I think the four of you
need to get together
and talk.
200
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:05,022
I think this is all
just a big misunderstanding.
201
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,521
Well, I'm not setting foot
in their house
202
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,353
and they certainly aren't
welcome in ours.
203
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,118
[bottle breaking]
204
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:12,115
[exclaims] Gah! It broke.
205
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,528
It slipped out
of my hand.
206
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,630
Something must be
wrong with this glass.
207
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,662
It's not because
I'm drunk.
208
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:18,857
Stop staring at me.
209
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:20,598
You're all making a scene.
210
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:21,533
All of you!
211
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,275
Oh, thank you,
Marquess.
212
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:34,051
It's not for you, Michael.
It's for our guests.
213
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,075
Wait, who are
our guests?
214
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:38,546
The Stevensons
and the Holbrooks.
215
00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:40,175
We thought they should
meet somewhere neutral,
216
00:08:40,219 --> 00:08:41,919
so we offered our house.
217
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,615
[car doors shutting]
218
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:52,462
Oh, God.
Why do they have
those gift bags?
219
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:53,668
[Marquess] Huh?
220
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,170
Well, I'm sure
they're bringing you a gift.
221
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,701
It's their first time
in your home.
222
00:08:56,736 --> 00:08:57,966
It's what you do.
223
00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,444
Oh, no!
If they give me something,
224
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,812
then I have to
give them something.
225
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,240
We'll all be embroiled
in it.
226
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,435
I can't be embroiled
in this, Marquess.
227
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,877
[doorbell ringing]
228
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,652
Well, then what are we
supposed to do?
229
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,010
We invited them here.
230
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:16,564
Isn't there any other
place they can go?
231
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:22,831
Ooh! A scented candle!
232
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,232
You shouldn't have.
233
00:09:24,263 --> 00:09:26,863
Well, thank you for
having us into your home.
234
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,999
Oh, damn!
A 14 year old scotch?
235
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:30,365
Very nice.
236
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,043
That's several more years
than I'm used to.
237
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:34,171
Think nothing of it.
It's what you do.
238
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,137
[man on TV]
You'd really thinkthey gotta go for it here.
239
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:37,505
They've been running...
240
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:40,978
Deezy, how do they seem?
241
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,554
Real good. Real good.
242
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,522
They seem to be
getting along real good.
243
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:45,880
I lit a candle,
244
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,088
poured them a little scotch,
245
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,450
and now
they're just chilling.
246
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:49,918
Just reconciling.
247
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:51,616
And just to make sure
that no one leaves
until they do,
248
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:52,988
I locked that door.
249
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,986
[Shelley] Kip,
I think you've had enough.
250
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,858
[Kip] Shut up.
You're not my wife.
251
00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,896
[Phil] Don't tell my wife
to shut up.
252
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,531
[Kip] Don't talk to me!
You're poor!
253
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:01,926
-[woman grunts]
-[thudding]
254
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:03,168
[all grunting, clamoring]
255
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:04,842
[Alicia] You're stepping
on my dress.
256
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,141
Kip, let's get
out of here.
257
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:07,912
-[Kip] Damn you!
-[Alicia] Open the door!
258
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,210
Open the door!
259
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,112
[all screaming]
260
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,391
Now, tell me this.
261
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,490
Do you think I need
to get these people a gift
because they gave me a gift?
262
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,521
I think you're good.
263
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,104
[closing theme music playing]
19247
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