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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,741
[theme music playing]
2
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,909
Well, don't you look cute.
3
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,677
Oh, thanks. [chuckles]
4
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:17,345
I hope you don't mind
I borrowed your jeans.
5
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:20,024
Ugh, keep them. I bought them
like ten pounds ago.
6
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,853
Tell Dad I'll be back
in about an hour.
7
00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:23,858
Hey, hey, we got a new mystery.
8
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,020
Oh.
9
00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:27,362
Dad, what's on your face?
10
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,594
Birthday cake.
I just ate a birthday cake.
11
00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,699
-Whose birthday is it?
-Nobody.
12
00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:33,571
They sell them
at the grocery store.
13
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,500
You can get them
anytime you want,
14
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,095
even if it's not your birthday.
15
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:40,107
Okay. So, what's the mystery.
16
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:43,340
Here, you read it.
I don't feel well,
I don't know why.
17
00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:46,946
All I had today
is a can of sardines
and a birthday cake,
18
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:48,780
so it's not that.
19
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:50,875
But my stomach does hurt.
20
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,717
I bet it's that stress.
I've been under
so much stress lately.
21
00:00:53,753 --> 00:00:55,293
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
22
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,792
Please help me find
my beloved Perry.
23
00:00:57,824 --> 00:01:01,234
We've spent every day together
for the last 53 years.
24
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:04,361
But then, Sunday morning,
we were enjoying our breakfast,
25
00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,397
and I looked up
and he was gone.
26
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,933
Perry is quite old
27
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,068
and I worry
he'll become disoriented
28
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,803
and won't remember
where he lives.
29
00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:15,468
Please hurry.
Yours, very truly,
Miriam Shulwitz."
30
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,579
Oh, that's terrible.
31
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:20,151
She must be so worried
about her husband.
Okay, we should hurry.
32
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,410
Wait, weren't... Weren't you
about to go somewhere?
33
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:23,819
Well, yeah, but it can wait.
34
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,220
I mean,
nothing's more important than
35
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,222
finding some poor old man
with dementia.
36
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,664
[Pigeon laughs] Yeah,
what about finding
some rich young gal
37
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:32,890
with "Touch my Titties"
syndrome?
38
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,326
I mean, I think that would be
more important.
39
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:36,901
It would be
more important to me.
40
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,430
[Miriam] Oh, thank goodness.
41
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,165
I just know
you'll find my Perry.
42
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:43,941
He must feel
so scared and alone.
43
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:45,800
Come. Come inside.
44
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,812
This way, this way.
45
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,914
[groans] What is that smell?
46
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,146
I'll tell you what it is.
It's old people.
47
00:01:55,182 --> 00:01:58,422
That smell is decades
of old people, literally.
48
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:01,021
The air is filled with
tiny particles
of their old skin
49
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,864
as it sloughs off
their old withered bodies.
50
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,490
You're breathing them in,
they're inside of you.
51
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,826
No different than if they'd
forced themselves on you
sexually.
52
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:13,603
-Pigeon!
-Oh, she can't hear me.
53
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,633
Here, here, right here.
54
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,769
I was sitting here.
55
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,374
I was having my juice
and a buttered egg.
56
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:21,807
Ooh, what's a buttered egg?
57
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:23,511
It's a poached egg.
58
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:25,443
Then why did you call it
buttered egg?
59
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,548
-What?
-Why did you call it
a buttered egg?
60
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:31,682
-What?
-[loudly] Why did you call it
a buttered egg?
61
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,618
-What?
-Oh, my God.
62
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,723
[Mike] Why did you call it
a buttered egg?
63
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:37,315
-[laughs]
-[Miriam] What?
64
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:39,887
Ah, shit, this is good.
This is so [bleep] crazy.
65
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:41,656
Ask her again, Mike.
Ask her again.
66
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,055
[loudly] Why did you call it
a buttered egg?
67
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,157
Yes, for breakfast.
68
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:48,529
And that's when
I looked up here.
69
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:52,868
You see, I noticed that Perry
was not in his cage.
70
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,136
And I had opened
the window here.
71
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,575
You see, because the house
was warm that day
72
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:00,312
and there was a smell.
73
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,207
A musty smell.
74
00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:05,519
I don't know
what the smell was.
75
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:09,422
So, I opened the window
and he must have flown away.
76
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,016
Wait, wait.
77
00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:12,757
Perry's a bird?
78
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:15,532
Perry's a parrot.
Perry the parrot?
79
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:18,232
Oh, my [bleep] God!
80
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:19,655
What's that, little boy?
81
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,429
You want a buttered egg?
82
00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:25,172
-[Marquess] Yung, wha--
-[door closes]
83
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,835
That seemed very unlike her.
84
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,113
Or am I wrong?
85
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:30,081
Was that very like her?
86
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,540
I don't really know Yung.
87
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,946
Yung. Yung.
88
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,681
-What is going on?
-We rushed over here, Marquess,
89
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,877
for a bird!
90
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:42,349
-I mean, it's just a waste.
-Okay, now, now,
no mystery is a waste, Yung.
91
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,589
I'm not talking about
the mystery.
92
00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:47,394
I'm talking about my life.
What am I doing?
93
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,627
I'm 19. I'm not in college,
94
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,403
-I have no friends.
-What?
95
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:54,031
What about Cassie
from the episode
entitled "Spring Break"?
96
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,297
-No, she got a boyfriend.
-Oh.
97
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:58,766
I barely talk to her anymore.
I mean, that's another thing
I don't have.
98
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:02,205
What? Wait, what about
that religious boy
from the episode...
99
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,282
Oh, what was it called? No...
100
00:04:04,311 --> 00:04:06,281
It had Jerry Jones in it
as God.
101
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:08,383
I don't know.
It had a crazy ending.
I don't like those.
102
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,915
I like these character moments.
Hmm? Like this one?
103
00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,551
Do you wanna know
where I was going this morning?
104
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,486
-[cell phone buzzes]
-Ah. Hmm.
105
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,722
Mmm. Okay. No.
106
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,787
Where were you going?
107
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:22,426
-To interview for a job.
-Oh, my God, that's amazing.
What was the job?
108
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:23,902
-[cell phone buzzes]
-Oh.
109
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,960
-Do you need to get that?
-Mmm, no. No.
110
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:28,669
-[cell phone buzzes]
-You know what?
Let me just, real quick...
111
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,942
There, let me just...
112
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:35,144
Okay. Okay. So you were...
Hmm, what were you...
113
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,005
Oh, you were getting a job!
Okay, okay, here we go.
114
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:38,683
You were getting a job.
That's great.
115
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,912
It's nothing great.
It's just a store at the mall.
116
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,418
I'm sure I wouldn't
have gotten it anyway
117
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,080
'cause I don't even have
any sales experience.
118
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:49,418
I only know how to do this,
whatever the hell this is.
119
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,316
-[sighs] I don't know.
I just feel like I'm lost.
-[cell phone buzzes]
120
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:53,258
-Like I'm--
-Yeah. Mmm. Okay.
Mmm. All right.
121
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,463
Just... Just give me two secs.
122
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,458
Who is that?
Who are you talking to?
123
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:00,769
Oh, it's just this guy.
124
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,370
He keeps DMing me.
It's nothing.
125
00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,172
-[cell phone buzzes]
-Oh. Oh!
126
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,704
Oh, hello!
127
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,039
Dick pic at 11:00
in the morning?
[chuckles]
128
00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:10,284
How am I supposed to respond?
"Impressive"?
129
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,540
Mmm, you know what?
Yeah, I'll write "impressive."
130
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:14,953
Okay, back to you.
131
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,051
You're in a crisis
and I am here for you.
132
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:18,683
So, you wanna work at the mall.
133
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,788
-[cell phone buzzes]
-Uh, mmm, hold on. [grunts]
134
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,690
[gasps] He wants to meet up.
135
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:25,362
Oh, my God. He wants to meet up
and I'm on a mystery. Classic.
136
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:29,332
We sit around for days
with no mysteries
and my phone doesn't ring,
137
00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:32,962
and then the second you get
a nice hard [bleep] like this
on your phone,
138
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,829
you're on a GD mystery.
139
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,628
Hmm, okay,
so you were saying, Yung?
140
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,699
-Never mind.
-Good, I wanna
get back to this guy.
141
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,639
I don't get it.
This is just a poached egg.
142
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,575
There's no butter taste at all.
143
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,551
-[crying]
-No, no, I like it. I like it.
144
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:51,550
It's buttery and delicious.
So buttery, so buttery.
145
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:54,594
I just miss Perry so much.
146
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,861
I can't have lost him.
147
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,560
I just can't bear it.
148
00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:01,932
I mean, you understand.
149
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:06,161
You brought your bird with you.
You love him so much.
150
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,269
That's how I was with Perry.
151
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,271
And Perry could talk.
152
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,843
Does your bird talk?
153
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:15,271
I've been talking
this whole time, you old bag!
154
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:19,038
My Perry could make
all sorts of sounds.
155
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:21,508
He could mimic anything.
156
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:25,248
The phone ringing,
the faucet dripping,
157
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,515
and people's voices
too! [inhales]
158
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:32,785
Oh, he would say things
my late husband, Albert,
used to say.
159
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:35,856
And it would sound
exactly like him.
160
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:39,595
It was such a comfort to me
after he passed.
161
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:42,802
At least I could still hear
Albert's voice.
162
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:46,266
[crying] But now,
I'll never hear it again.
163
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,866
Don't worry, ma'am,
I'll find your bird.
164
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,638
You don't happen to have
any butter, do you?
165
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,748
For these dry, tasteless eggs?
166
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,722
[Pigeon] I mean,
this is madness!
167
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,220
The bird got out!
168
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,922
A bird, a flying bird!
169
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,415
It is gone!
170
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,956
No, not necessarily.
You don't fly away.
171
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:08,062
That's because
you're very well-trained.
172
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,934
But just to be sure,
we should clip your wings.
173
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,004
Yung, you have
my nail clippers?
174
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:16,072
I love Pigeon too much.
I don't want him getting away.
175
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,772
I'd be like the old lady,
just crying all day.
176
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:20,835
This is all just
so stupid and pointless.
177
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,314
We've been wandering around
for hours.
178
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,583
You know,
I'm going to the mall.
See if I can get that job.
179
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,482
What do you mean, Yung?
You have a job.
180
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:30,424
You're the vice president
of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
181
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,280
Wait, you told me
I was the vice president.
182
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:36,589
Oh, that's right.
Yung's the secretary
because she's a girl.
183
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,023
Can I have
the car keys, please?
184
00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,327
You know what? Why don't
we all just go with you.
185
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,700
We could use a break,
and I could use
a weiner on a stick.
186
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:46,260
Oh, yeah? You're sure
you don't want one
in the [bleep].
187
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,029
-[laughs]
-[bleep] you.
188
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,497
And I do want one.
189
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,636
And I'm gonna get one,
and it's this one.
190
00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:54,811
Whoa! Impressive!
191
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:58,511
I got the job! They want me
to start training right away.
192
00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:00,545
-What's in there?
-It's a new parrot.
193
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:03,110
We're gonna give it
to that old lady
and say it's her old parrot.
194
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,319
And by the time she notices,
we'll have cashed the check.
195
00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:08,622
Since when do we charge
for mysteries?
196
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,885
Since I became treasurer
of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
197
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,725
[breathing lightly]
198
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,560
Oh, damn, she died.
Now we'll never get that check.
199
00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:19,056
Michael, she's sleeping.
200
00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,828
Let's just put this parrot
in the cage.
201
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,503
[squawks]
202
00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:27,808
Oh, for Christ's sake,
the bird's right here.
203
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,910
[squawks and mimics Pigeon]
Oh, for Christ's sake,
the bird's right here.
204
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,875
Now the thing with the sweaters
is you can't hang them,
205
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:36,254
they have to be folded.
206
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,052
Okay, I can do that.
207
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:40,924
This is basically
all you'll be doing,
all day long,
208
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,394
every day you're here.
209
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,422
Girls come in
and they mess it up,
210
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,187
and you have to do it again.
211
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,255
And Tracy the manager
is such a bitch,
212
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:49,864
that sometimes
she'll mess them up
213
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:51,556
just to make you do it again.
214
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,328
There's literally
no worse job than this.
215
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,366
And I heard about this guy,
I think it's in Mexico,
216
00:08:56,402 --> 00:08:58,372
and his job is
to go down in the sewer,
217
00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:01,174
in like an old timey
deep sea diving outfit,
218
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,407
and he's just like,
swimming in shit,
219
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,543
and sometimes
he finds dead bodies.
220
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:08,778
But at least he doesn't
work for [bleep] Tracy.
221
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:12,015
-[squawks]
-Close the window, Marquess.
222
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:14,291
[squawks and mimics Mike]
Close the window, Marquess.
223
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,720
Close the window, Marquess.
224
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,631
[squawks and mimics Albert]
I love you, Miriam.
I love you, Miriam.
225
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:25,701
Ah, that must be him
doing her late husband,
Albert's voice.
226
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,472
-That is so touching.
-Where did you get
that gun, Miriam?
227
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:31,571
Wait, why are you
pointing it at me?
228
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:33,914
-I'm your husband!
-Oh, damn.
229
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,610
I'm your husband.
230
00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:37,512
Oh, you murdered me.
231
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,084
[groans] Why?
232
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:43,083
Why, Miriam, why?
233
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,376
[Miriam]
For the insurance money.
234
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,588
[gun cocks]
235
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,147
Thanks for the ride.
236
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:55,291
Hey, turn around, will you?
That's my dad's van.
237
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,458
What are they still doing here?
238
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:58,797
Pull that rug back.
239
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,773
Now open the cellar door.
240
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:05,903
Ooh, that's convenient.
241
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,668
Lots of rooms
in the western United States
don't have basements.
242
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,438
[Miriam] Now get down in there.
243
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:13,746
I'm gonna shoot you dead
just like I did Albert.
244
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,650
-Dad?
-[parrot squawks]
245
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:17,182
-Hey!
-[gasps]
246
00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:18,346
-[Miriam] Oh! Oh!
-[Yung grunting]
247
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,692
Oh, damn,
I was gonna return that.
248
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,491
[both grunting]
249
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,023
[thudding]
250
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,058
[gun fires]
251
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,029
[gasps]
252
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,196
Hey, Jennifer,
253
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:38,644
will you let Tracy know that
I won't be at work tomorrow?
254
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,811
I forgot I already have a job.
255
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,540
I'm the secretary
of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team!
256
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,577
[theme music playing]
19687
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