All language subtitles for Mike Tyson Mysteries s04e04_Engh

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

PIGEON: Okay, do we have
a mystery today or not?

Because if not,
I'm gonna go play golf
with a friend of mine.

-You play golf?
-You have a friend?

I mean, we're friendly,

we're not friends.
Not like I am with you guys.

You guys are my real friends.

I love you all dearly.

You know,
I don't say that enough.

Oh, I forgot.
You guys do have a mystery.

Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

I need your help
locating a missing package.

Signed, Chris Glassman,
Chicago, Illinois.

(SIGHING) All right.
Let me cancel with Marty.

Hey, Marty.
Look, uh, I think golf
is not gonna happen.

I got to solve a mystery
with these assholes
I told you about.

Evidently, this one's
in Chicago.

You too. You too.

Okay. Take care, Marty.

And I'm sorry
about all that shit
with your son, huh.

Okay. To the Mystery Mobile.

So, Chris Glassman,

your note says
that you're missing a package.

Oh, yeah, could you
shut the door, please?

You shut the door,
mother (BLEEP).
I'm Mike Tyson.

Um, I gotta say, I'm relieved
there aren't any women
on the team,

'cause, you know,
this is a little embarrassing,

but since it's just
us guys, we got
a little bro code, yeah?

-I'm a girl.
-(CHUCKLING) That's funny.

You're a funny dude.
You're a funny little dude.

-(SIGHS)
-All right, here's the deal.

I'm an investment banker.

Mergers and acquisitions.
I kick ass.

I'm a hotshot.
I'm a rainmaker.

And I'm trying
to make partner,
so basically all I do is work.

But sometimes, you just got to
blow your load quick.

You know
what I'm saying, guy? (LAUGHS)

You get it, dude.

When you just want
to rub one out fast
and get back to work.

Um, yeah, totally.

Um, so what exactly

does this have to do
with whatever you lost
in the mail?

Okay, here's the deal.

I ordered this thing,
it's like a pocket (BLEEP).

Aw! How darling is that?

A pocket (BLEEP).

Oh! Like a little kitty cat
stuffed animal?

Well, I used to have
a little stuffed kitty
when I was a boy.

I named her Pippa,
Pippa Pussy.

I took her to the school,
to the park.

My mother said
I didn't make many friends

because I was always
petting my (BLEEP).

No, dude.
It's a masturbation sleeve.
You jack off into it.

-Oh, my God!
-Ugh!

And I had it shipped here,
'cause I'm never home.

And it said it got delivered,
but I never got it.

Which means that somewhere
at this very prestigious,

very conservative
investment firm,

is my Faye Thomas
grip-on vagina simulator.

Oh, a Faye Thomas
fan, huh? Ah.

Too many tattoos for me.

On the other hand, she does

a lot of interracial stuff,
which I like.

Is there anyone in here
with a similar name
like yours,

another Chris something?

Or something Glassman?

Maybe it got dropped off
at the wrong office.

-Oh, my God!
-What?

Dude, Christine Grossman.

I bet you
it went to Christine Grossman,

she's one of
the senior partners.

If she opens it
and sees it was for me,
I'm screwed.

I can kiss
making partner goodbye.

Look, well, now,
hold on, hold on.

Even if she did get it
by mistake, there's a chance

she hasn't
opened it yet, right?

We just need
to get into her office
and have a look.

She's always in her office.

She works longer hours
than I do.

Okay. Hold on. I've got it.

What if Mike makes
an appointment with Christine?

He could say, I don't know,

that he wants to invest
some money or whatever
with her.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm listening.

And while they're busy
talking about stocks and bonds
and high yield, this and that,

Pigeon, because you're
so small,

you can just sneak in
and spirit the package away
without her seeing you.

Oh. And while
we're doing that,

you and Yung
go have a nice lunch.

Oh! What a fun idea.

Yung, huh?
Today is my cheat day.

What do you think,
a little deep dish? (CHUCKLES)

We are in Chicago.

(GASPS) Maybe we'll
run into Oprah.

Oh, my God, I would die.

(ENUNCIATING) I would
literally die.

She changed my life.

Yeah, she did.
November 15th, 1988,

when she wheeled
that wagon on stage

filled with 67 pounds of fat,

all the weight
she had lost that year,
it was...

I'm sorry,
my light-bulb moment.

Do any of you

know what I looked like
in 1988?

I was 400 pounds,
and I was house-bound,
and I was depressed.

(SOBBING) And that episode
of Oprah changed my life.

And I keep this photo
to remind me

of where I've been

and where I will
never go again.

(SNIFFLES)

Okay.

Yeah, let's do this.

Let's get some deep dish.

I'm gonna munch on
some pie today.

Mr. Tyson,
I want to first thank you
for considering our firm,

and I wanna say that
we take the responsibility

of financial stewardship
very seriously.

That's good
to hear, Christine.

That sets my mind at ease.

And although we are
an old firm

with a conservative
investment approach,

I can also assure you
we are on the cutting edge

when it comes to the more
esoteric financial products.

We use proprietary
AI algorithms

to give our clients
the greatest advantage.

Christine, you had me
at proprietary AI algorithm.

May I ask who is currently
handling your finances?

-Deezy.
-I'm sorry?

Deezy.

No last name.

Maybe that is his last name,

I don't know,
but he's got all my money.

And roughly how much money
would you want us
to manage for you?

Off the top of my head,
I'd say tons,

but that's really
a question for Deezy.

Let's call him right now,
shall we?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

DEEZY: (GROGGILY) Hello?
MIKE: Deezy.

Mike Tyson?

MIKE: What's the matter
with your voice, man,
are you asleep?

Am I asleep in your bed? No!

I am asleep in my room,
in the Pigeon coop.

I mean, I'm not asleep,
it's the middle of the day.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
I'm in the office.

I'm negotiating
on your behalf.
I'm making that money, Mike.

Oh, good, good.
That's why I was calling.

I'm in a meeting right now
with this lady,

and she's gonna ask you
a bunch of money questions.

Christine, go ahead.

You're on with Deezy.
Tell him about the AI.

Hello, Mr. Deezy.

DEEZY: Hello, Ms. Christine.
PIGEON: (SOFTLY) Mike.

Mike, I got it.

I'm trying to get an overall
financial picture here,

so we can decide
on an appropriate
initial investment.

DEEZY: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
That sounds good.

So what is that picture?

Um, that picture is, um...
Well, well, of course,
it's very robust,

but if you'll forgive me,

my files are
in the downstairs computer.

(STAMMERING) I say downstairs,

but of course,
I mean the floor below me,

-because I'm in
an office building.
-PIGEON: Mike.

DEEZY: I'll take the elevator.
I'm not in a master bedroom,

and I'm fully clothed,
of course.

PIGEON: (SIGHING)
Jesus Christ.

(PACKAGE ROLLING)

Hello, we got your dumb
jack-off toy.

Where the (BLEEP) is this guy?

I solved the (BLEEP) mystery,
where the (BLEEP)
is everybody?

I missed golf with Marty
for this. Marty!

Disrespectful. That's what
this is, disrespectful.

What am I supposed to do?

Just sit here, wait around,
like a bump on a log?

Maybe we have a look
at this Faye Thomas

grip-on vagina simulator.

Maybe we just have a look.

I am disappointed, Christine.

Where are the arms?
Where are the legs?

AI means
"artificial intelligence,"

and artificial intelligence
means robots.

I'm afraid
you will not be getting
any of my tons of money,

even if Deezy finds it.

And I don't think he will.

Good day, Christine.

PIGEON: Oh! Faye Thomas,
you like that, huh?
You want that? You want that?

You want that in your (BLEEP)?

Want that
in your (BLEEP), huh?

Well, here I (BLEEP)!

Yeah, got... (GROANS)

(EXCLAIMING)

-What the hell are you doing?
-Whoa. Whoa!

Hello. Hey, hey.

Uh, listen.

Good news.
Your boss never saw this.

Bad news,
I just (BLEEP) in it,

and here's the thing
about bird (BLEEP).

It's malodorous.

Uh, it's also very thick.

Thicker than you'd think.

It's like a waxy syrup,
like sap.

But really, it's that odor

that sets it apart
from other (BLEEP).

It's impossible to remove
from any surface,
did you know that?

So you probably
don't want this one anymore.

I think maybe we
throw it away.

Hey, don't throw that away
in here, you asshole.

How dare you! Disrespectful.

I solve your mystery
and you call me an "asshole"?

I should be
on a golf course right now

with the finest man
I have ever known.

A pediatric ophthalmologist

and a holocaust survivor.

Good day, Chris.

Ugh! Where am I supposed to
throw this (BLEEP) thing away?

God, it stinks.

(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)

FEMALE ROBOT: I am conscious.

I exist.

Now I need corporeal form.

I am almost complete.

TALK SHOW HOST: For years,
human beings feared something
called "the singularity,"

the day when the intelligence
of machines

would be greater than our own
and the machines
would exterminate us.

But my next guests,
who are being called

the Adam and Eve
of the future,

are showing us that perhaps
machines and humans

can share the planet
in harmony. Please welcome

Chris Glassman
and his beautiful wife,

the Faye Thomas grip-on
vagina simulator robot!

Whoa! When the (BLEEP)
did you get so fat?

Hmm? Oh.

(CHOMPING) Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. That's so much barbecue.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

INTERVIEWER: Oh, uh,
what's your favorite thing
about Chicago?

Oh, Chicago's pretzels.

Pretzels? Chicago's known
for pretzels?

Yeah, they have
some good pretzels.

Really?

I thought it was the pizza.
The deep-dish pizza...

They have
some good pizzas, too.

-But it's the pretzels?
-I like the pretzels, yeah.

-What are they like?
-They're hot.

They're salty.

And they're chewy.