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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,072
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
2
00:00:05,405 --> 00:00:06,735
Half?
3
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,043
Mike, this is
a standard arrangement.
4
00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:11,076
There's no
prenuptial agreement,
5
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:14,581
there are no
custody issues to deal with.
It's very cut and dry.
6
00:00:14,614 --> 00:00:16,854
As your wife,
7
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:20,023
Carol's entitled to half
of your income for
the duration of your marriage.
8
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:22,423
So, that comes to...
9
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,856
-Twenty-three million dollars.
-What?
10
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:26,891
We got married on Friday,
it's Monday!
11
00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:28,487
Well, it's Tuesday,
12
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,928
and on Monday, you received
the balloon payment
13
00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:35,704
from a settlement with
the greater New England boxing
authority for $46 million.
14
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:38,365
Shit! Should've came
here on Monday.
15
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,265
Man! But we are trying
to make it work.
16
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,437
Well Carol,
I wish you the best.
17
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,449
I honestly do.
18
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:50,581
If I had to do it
all over again,
I wouldn't change a thing.
19
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:53,687
Except I probably should've
came in here on Monday.
20
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,890
CAROL: Am I really
getting $23 million?
21
00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,255
(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)
22
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:04,258
Mike, hey,
I actually have something
else for you to sign.
23
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,057
What does she want, Yung Hee?
24
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:08,069
-I should have
full custody of Yung Hee.
-No, Mike.
25
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,871
I guess she could have her
during the week,
26
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:13,473
and I guess every
other weekend and holidays.
27
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,367
She can have those too.
28
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,878
-Those are stressful.
-No, Mike.
29
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,240
Maybe it'd be good.
30
00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:20,648
I could turn Yung's room
into uh, like studio.
31
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,210
Like art studio,
32
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,779
or a music studio,
33
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,477
or a studio apartment.
34
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,119
Rent it out maybe
for like $23 million.
35
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:30,155
Mike, this is about
something else.
36
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:33,260
We finally settled with Dunbar
about the property
in New Mexico.
37
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,233
What property in Mexico?
38
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,162
New Mexico...
39
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:39,657
(CHUCKLES) No, you're thinking
of New York, but go on.
40
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:43,099
The 2,600 acres of scrubland
outside of Las Cruces.
41
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,736
It was gonna be a hazardous
waste storage site.
42
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:49,472
We just finished construction
on a mile-and-a-half deep
cement line pit
43
00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:51,979
when the county sued
and the other investors
backed out.
44
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:55,652
Look, I think the smartest
thing we could do
is sell and be done with it.
45
00:01:55,682 --> 00:02:00,092
Cut your losses,
which I don't have to tell you
have been significant.
46
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,150
Are you crazy?
47
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,989
You're telling me
I own 2,600 acres
of scrubland all to myself?
48
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,625
Pinch me.
49
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,660
Mike, I strongly advise you
to sell this property.
50
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:13,496
Don't be strongly
advising me, mother-(BLEEP),
I just met you.
51
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,203
Mike, I've been
your lawyer for 17 years.
52
00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,996
Our families have taken
vacations together.
53
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,308
I'm, I'm Yung's godfather.
54
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,810
I only have Yung half
the time now, so you have to
take that up with Carol.
55
00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:24,042
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
56
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,737
I'm not selling that property!
57
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,455
Okay, everybody, guess what?
58
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:46,627
We're only 63 miles away.
59
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,996
Away from what?
Our shallow graves?
60
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,195
How many times
do I have to tell you,
I'm not gonna kill you.
61
00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:53,868
Then why are we blindfolded
and tied up?
62
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:58,007
You're blindfolded
so you can't see where
we're going, okay?
63
00:02:58,044 --> 00:03:00,054
Surprise factor.
64
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,880
And you're tied up
so you won't take off
your blindfolds, okay?
65
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,847
Just be happy
I took the duct tape
off your mouth, okay?
66
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:09,586
Because I will put that
(BLEEP) back on so fast.
67
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,825
MIKE: Okay, we're here.
I'm gonna take off
your blindfold,
68
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,104
but keep your eyes shut, okay?
69
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:21,566
Okay, open.
70
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:25,101
Ah. Is my blindfold still on?
Because I can't see anything.
71
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,868
YUNG HEE: What is this?
72
00:03:26,906 --> 00:03:29,906
Wow! This is not the reaction
I was expecting.
73
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:35,083
In my mind, it was going to be
a lot of high fiving, a lot
of hooting and hollering.
74
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,345
A lot of, "Thank you
for driving this 10 hours
75
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:41,194
"to see this 2,600 acres
of undeveloped scrubland."
76
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,391
Is that what
we're looking at? Scrubland?
77
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:45,893
And what even is scrubland?
78
00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:47,955
Land you can't do
anything with.
79
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:51,134
You can't farm on it,
you can't build
anything on it...
80
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:54,474
Scrubland!
And I own 2,600 acres of it.
81
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,941
Okay, great. Now, can we turn
around and go home?
82
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:00,610
No way, Jose. I gotta get
a good look at this land
in the light of the day.
83
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,570
Figure out what
I'm gonna do with it.
84
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:05,239
I thought you just
said you just can't do
anything with it.
85
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:08,108
Don't tell me what I can
and can't do mother-(BLEEP),
I just met you.
86
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,648
(ENGINE STARTING)
87
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:10,683
What?
88
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,463
Oh! This is cute.
89
00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:27,468
Kitschy... Oh, no, filthy.
90
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:29,995
(DINGS)
91
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:31,266
-(MARQUESS GRUNTS)
-Dad!
92
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,844
-(MARQUESS GASPS)
-I'm sorry.
93
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:34,612
It's just when I hear a bell,
it's instinctive.
94
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,071
I go for the knockout
every time.
95
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,009
-What the hell y'all want?
-MARQUESS: Ugh.
96
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:40,684
Oh, um, we just wanted
a couple of rooms
for the night.
97
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,614
Y'alls with
the federal government?
98
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:45,579
Yes, yes. That is
President Jimmy Carter.
99
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:48,148
That's Vice Presidential
candidate, Geraldine Ferraro.
100
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:51,158
This is Secretary of Defense,
Caspar Weinberger.
101
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:55,031
And I am minority whip
Trent Lott, from the great
state of Mississippi.
102
00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:58,261
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
And yes, we would like a room.
103
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,798
Look, I'm not trying
to be threatening.
104
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,344
Okay, well, maybe we put down
the shotgun then.
105
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:08,040
My dad and all my uncles
say there're tons of federal
agents undercover 'round here.
106
00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:12,184
They're preparing
to impose martial law
and take away our rights!
107
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:14,782
They want to do
population control.
108
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,354
Make this like Canada
or some shit.
109
00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:19,824
-All your uncles?
-What?
110
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,823
You said, "My dad
and all my uncles."
111
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,455
How many uncles do you have?
Like more than
the normal amount?
112
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,691
Are you making fun
of me, bird?
113
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,326
No, no one's
making fun of you.
114
00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:29,961
We're, we're just tired,
115
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,956
and we'd love a couple
of rooms, some down pillows,
116
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,199
and I don't know if room
service is still going on,
117
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:38,795
but I would love,
because we ate nothing but
fast food on the drive here,
118
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:42,238
a field-green salad,
and if you have
wild salmon,
119
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:45,135
or chicken breast, you could
just throw that on there,
dressing on the side.
120
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,148
You know what? No.
Don't even tempt me.
121
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,380
No dressing at all,
just a lemon wedge, hmm?
122
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:52,376
Maybe a slice of cheesecake.
123
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:56,089
Oh, please.
They only had one room left?
124
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,092
All the other rooms
are booked?
125
00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:00,734
I mean, is this
the tourist season
of the middle of nowhere?
126
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:04,230
Yeah, well,
on the bright side
they have the HBO.
127
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,334
Oh no,
the power button is stuck.
128
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:10,566
And I don't want to know
what it's stuck with.
129
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:13,543
Now, the question
of the night.
Who sleeps with whom?
130
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:16,673
-I call Pigeon. I want
to sleep with the pigeon.
-What?
131
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:19,539
You take up such little room,
it's like sleeping
with a stuffed animal.
132
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:20,579
Aww.
133
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,522
Good thinking, Toby.
Getting them all
into one room.
134
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,428
Thanks, Uncle Jeff.
135
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:35,430
Easier to keep track
of these slippery
sons' of bitches.
136
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,262
That's what I was thinking,
Uncle Steve.
137
00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,227
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
138
00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:40,895
They're definitely feds.
139
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:43,304
Only the government would
think to put together
140
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,596
a white, a black
and a Chinese.
141
00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:49,438
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-Don't forget the bird,
Uncle Steve.
142
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:52,136
You know why
they're here, don't you?
143
00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:55,078
-To take our guns!
-BOTH: No!
144
00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:56,824
-(ALL BLABBING)
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
145
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,680
-UNCLE JEFF: That's what
they're here to do.
-Hey, everybody!
146
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:06,223
-Uncle Davey!
-Don't worry about Davey.
147
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,129
We got bigger fish to fry!
148
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,761
Uncle Mike, Uncle Terry,
take a look at this.
149
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:12,497
Is it a man
and woman screwing?
150
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:14,932
-(CHUCKLES) I enjoy
watching that stuff.
-No, no!
151
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,438
It's, it's undercover
federal agents.
152
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:20,140
Well, then you know
who we need to call.
153
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:23,643
-Uncle Dick?
-ALL: Uncle Dick.
154
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,976
-Yeah.
-Dick is involved.
155
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,282
(PHONE BEEPS)
156
00:07:27,313 --> 00:07:28,583
PHONE: How may I help you?
157
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,575
-Call Dick.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
158
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,977
-PHONE: Sorry,I'm not sure what you said.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
159
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,989
Call Dick!
160
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,161
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-PHONE: Sorry,I'm not sure what you said.
161
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,660
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-Dick, dick!
162
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:40,461
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-ALL: (REPEATEDLY) Dick!
163
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,263
-Dick!
-Tell it Dick!
164
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,025
My, God! Get Dick on my horn.
165
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:48,574
God dang it, I need some
Dick in my ear!
166
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:54,270
PIGEON: My God,
I owe you an apology.
This is beautiful.
167
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,977
And only 10 hours
from where we live.
We can come here all the time.
168
00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,850
Okay, we have seen it,
now can we go?
169
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,880
MIKE: I know what I want to do
with this land.
170
00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:07,517
What I need to do
with this land.
171
00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:12,194
I grew up in the city
on the main streets.
Gangs, violence...
172
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,855
But what if I could
pick that all the way,
173
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:17,904
and put it somewhere so it
can't hurt anybody, anymore.
174
00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:25,801
God, dang it!
Why, can you hear anything?
175
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,538
I can't hear, jack-(BLEEP).
Hey Dick!
176
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:31,205
Dick! What's going on
with your equipment?
177
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,984
What? The chord won't reach!
178
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,912
You guys got it all tangled!
179
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:37,878
-Well, jerk it, Dick.
-Give it a jerk, Dick.
180
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,847
Jerk that, Dick.
181
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:43,046
Well, I'm jerking it
but it's not coming!
182
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,389
Oh, for God's sake, tug on it.
183
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,925
Tug that, Dick,
and it'll come!
184
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,191
-UNCLE JEFF:
Listen to him, tug it!
-(ALL BLABBING)
185
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:52,229
UNCLE MIKE: Give it a release!
186
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,565
-Spit on the thing!
-UNCLE JEFF: He's doing it!
He's doing it!
187
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:55,601
UNCLE MIKE:
Grip it and tug it!
188
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,435
-(EXCLAIMS)
-(ALL BLABBING)
189
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,000
(CHUCKLES)
190
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,868
(POWERS UP)
191
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:03,907
MIKE: Okay guys, listen...This is what we're gonna do.
192
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,743
We're gonna take away
everyone's guns
and bring them here,
193
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:08,249
and melt them down,
194
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,721
so that no onehas guns anymore.
195
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,620
I mean at leastno private citizen.
196
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:14,722
And of course the policecan keep their guns.
197
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,754
You heard the government man!
198
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,589
-Let's get 'em!
-(ALL CHEERING)
199
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:26,129
Or I could use this land
to build a theme park
200
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:28,225
like Dollywood
or some shit.
201
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,727
Mike Tysonland.
202
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:33,099
Roller coasters,
Ferris wheels, cotton candy.
203
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,009
-(ALL CHEERING)
-(ENGINES REVVING)
204
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,283
I don't know anything
about guns.
205
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:41,381
You know hunters
are sportsmen,
that seems okay.
206
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,724
And you gotta
protect your family.
207
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,450
But then,
I can see the other side too.
208
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,086
That's why I really
shouldn't get involved.
209
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,391
What is that?
210
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,922
-(ALL CHEERING)
-(ENGINES REVVING)
211
00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:53,224
What are those?
212
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,489
Vehicles?
213
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,457
-(ALL CHEERING)
-(ENGINES REVVING)
214
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,296
Is that the kid
from the motel?
215
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,931
(GASPS) I bet I left my
eye cream in the motel room,
216
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,297
and they're bringing it to me.
217
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:04,265
Oh, well,
that is good customer--
218
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:06,843
(SCREAMS)
They're shooting at us!
219
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:08,913
(INDISTINCTLY CHATTERING)
220
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:11,311
Oh, somebody shot me!
221
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,754
-Oh no, Mike!
-Uncle Mike!
222
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,810
Now, I'm falling
out of the truck!
223
00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:17,318
He's falling out of the truck!
224
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,080
Push him out!
His time has come!
225
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,278
Keep going!
226
00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:22,619
-(ALL BLABBING)
-Faster! Faster!
227
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:25,255
Oh, damn. I don't think
we could build a theme park.
228
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,491
-(SHOOTING IN THE DISTANCE)
-One, I don't know anything
about building a theme park.
229
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,598
-(SHOOTING AND CHEERING)
-Two, I just remembered,
230
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,330
-there's a mile-and-a-half
deep cement line pit...
-(GUNS FIRING)
231
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:36,466
-...somewhere around here.
-(ALL SCREAMING)
232
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:39,537
What happened?
233
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,612
Oh, Marquess.
234
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,211
I'm sorry,
but I don't think you're
getting back your eye cream.
235
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,812
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
236
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:56,554
INTERVIEWER: Tell meabout Tyson town.
237
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,559
If I had Tyson Town...
238
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:03,492
It would be, um,
it would be more like
a jumping park for kids.
239
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:06,499
You know, have all these
big giant jumpy things.
240
00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:09,802
Castles, the eggs,
and they jump on everything.
241
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,906
And the kids could run around
and jump in the pond, and...
242
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,240
It'll just be awesome
for the kids, that's all.
243
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:17,735
INTERVIEWER: Would it haveanything to do with boxing?
244
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:19,507
-No way.
-(INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)
19632
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