All language subtitles for MY GREAT STUFF

I don't know about you...

...but it always makes me sore
when I see those war pictures...

...all about flying leathernecks
and submarine patrols...

...and frogmen and guerrillas
in the Philippines.

What gets me is that there never was
a movie about P.O.W.'s...

...about prisoners of war.

Now, my name
is Clarence Harvey Cook.

They call me Cookie.

I was shot down over Magdeburg, Germany
back in '43.

That's why I stammer once in a while.

Especially when I get excited.

I spent two-and-a-half years in Stalag 17.

"Stalag" is the German word
for "prison camp"...

...and number 17
was somewhere on the Danube.

There were about 40,000 P.O.W.'s there...

...if you bothered to count the Russians
and the Poles and the Czechs.

In our compound, there were about 630 of us,
all American airmen.

Radio operators, gunners and engineers,
all sergeants.

Now, you put 630 sergeants together...

...and, oh, mother,
you've got yourself a situation.

There was more fireworks
shooting off around that joint...

Take, for instance, the story about
the spy we had in our barracks.

It was about a week before Christmas in '44...

...and two of our guys,
Manfredi and Johnson to be exact...

...were just getting set to blow the place.

Animal, Animal.

Get up. Betty Grable's on the phone.

- Here's your civilian clothes.
- Okay.

Now, remember, bury your Army outfits...

...before you get out of the forest.
- Right.

- Your compass is the top button of this jacket.
- Okay.

Anybody asks for your papers,
you're French laborers.

And here's your map...

...Kraut money, Swiss francs.
- Roger.

Let's hear it once more, boys.

- We've been over it 100 times.
- Let's hear it again.

- We stick to the forest until we hit the Danube.
- Check.

- Then we follow the Danube up to Linz.
- Check.

- In Linz we hop a barge and go to Ulm.
- Check.

Stop it, Joey.

Joey, go back to sleep.

Go on. You're in Ulm.

In Ulm, we lie low until night.
Then take a train to Friedrichshafen.

In Friedrichshafen, we steal a rowboat,
get fishing tackle, start drifting across the lake...

...always south, till we hit
the other side, Switzerland.

Once in Switzerland, give out a big yodel...

...so we'll know you're there.
It's a breeze.

Stay out of this, Sefton.

Just one question.

Did you calculate the risk?

Ready.

- Ten minutes to get through the tunnel.
- Roger.

That'll bring you out
as the jerries are changing shifts.

- Roger.
- Blondie?

Okay.

Peel off.

- Show them, boys.
- Take care.

- Easy does it.
- We're with you.

We'll miss you cruds.

They ought to be
under the barbed wire soon.

Looks good outside.

I hope they hit the Danube before dawn.

They got a good chance.
It's the longest night of the year.

- I bet they make it to Friedrichshafen.
- To Switzerland.

And I bet they don't get out of the forest.

Now what kind of crack is that?

No crack. Two packs of cigarettes
say they don't get out of the forest.

That's enough, Sefton.
Crawl back in your sack.

He'd make book on his mother getting hit.

- Anybody call?
- Come on, butt out.

Wait a minute, Hoffy.
I want to back those kids. I'll cover 10 of that.

- I'll take five.
- Eight.

- Put me down for 10.
- I'll cover three.

I'll take one.

I'll cover the whole pot.

Anything you say.

Cookie, more cigarettes.

- Speak up, boys.
- I'll cover eight.

Here's four.

- Here's two.
- Here's four.

- And four more.
- I'll cover eight.

- Give me three.
- I bet two.

- And a half.
- No butts.

No butts, no butts.

- Will this do or do you want some more?
- No, that'll do.

Well, speak up, boys.

Any more sports in the crowd?

Let's go.

Those filthy Krauts!

What slipped up, Hoffy?

Don't ask me.

Price was elected Security.

Okay, Security, what happened?

I wish I knew.

We had everything figured out
to the last detail.

Maybe the Krauts
knew about that tunnel.

- Shut up.
- Maybe they were laying for them out there.

- Yeah, maybe.
- Hold it, Sefton.

I said, hold it!

So we heard some shots.
So who says they didn't get away?

Anybody here wanna double their bet?

Every morning at 6 on the dot
they'd have the appell.

That's roll call to you.

Every barracks had its own alarm clock.

Our alarm clock was Feldwebel Schulz.

Johann Sebastian Schulz.

I understand
the Krauts had a composer way back...

...with a Johann Sebastian in it.

But I can tell you one thing:

Schulz was no composer.

He was a schweinehund.

Was he ever a lousy schweinehund.

Break it off.

- We heard you.
- Every man must get out for roll call.

- Your blower's busted.
- Ja, good morning to you.

- Oh, blow it out your barracks there, Schulz.
- Aufstehen, everybody. Come out. Get down.

- I'm sick.
- Knock it off, Schultz.

Okay, come on, you sack rats.

Cut the beefing and get up.

- Hey, Schulz.
- Ja?

- You guys have some machine-gun practice?
- Oh, terrible. Such foolish boys.

Such nice boys.

I'd better not talk about it.
It makes me sick to my stomach.

Aufstehen, aufstehen.
Aufstehen, roll call, everybody.

You killed them, huh?
Both of them?

Oh, such nice boys.

- It makes me sick to my...
- Don't wear it out!

Aufstehen, everybody. You too.

Put away that piccolo.

Lay off, Schulz, he has a sickness.

You know he's krank.

Oh, sometimes I think he's fooling us
with that crazy business.

Yeah? How would you like to see the guts
of nine pals splattered all over your plane?

Come on, Joey, don't be afraid.

Please, gentlemen.

You do not want to stay in bed...

...on such a beautiful morning
we are having today, huh?

- Hey, Schulz.
- Ja?

- Sprechen sie deutsch?
- Jawohl.

- Then droppen sie dead! Ha, ha.
- Always mit the jokes. Ha, ha.

Aufstehen, aufstehen, roll call.

Wake up, Animal.

Come on, Animal, wake up.

Good morning, Animal.

What would you like for breakfast?

Scrambled eggs with little sausages.

Bacon and eggs sunny-side up.

Griddle cakes. A waffle.

Stop it, Harry. I'm warning you.

Coffee, milk.

Or maybe a little cocoa.

Why do you do this to me every morning?

Hamburgers, strawberry shortcake,
gefilte fish, chopped liver.

- I'll kill you, so help me.
- Let go, Animal, it's roll call!

Hitler is waiting to see us.

Now, let's see,
we have two empty bunks here.

Suppose you let those mattresses
cool off a little, huh? Just out of decency.

It is only that we are cramped
mit the space.

New prisoners coming in every day, heh.

Now, gentlemen, outside, please.

You don't want me to get trouble
with the kommandant?

- Outside!
- Hey, Schulz.

As long as you're gonna
move somebody in...

...how about a couple of them Russian broads?
- Russian women prisoners?

- Jawohl.
- Some are not bad at all.

Just get us a couple
with beautiful glockenspiels.

Droppen sie dead!

Down, boy! Down!

All right, men, fall in!

Attention! The kommandant.

Guten morgen, sergeants.

Nasty weather we're having, eh?

And I so much hoped
we could give you a white Christmas...

...just like the ones you used to know.

Aren't those the words
that clever little man wrote?

You know, the one
who stole his name from our capital...

...that, uh, something-or-other Berlin.

Look at that mud.

Come spring, and I hope
you will still be with us.

Next spring, we shall plant
some grass here...

...and perhaps some daffodils.

I understand
we are minus two men this morning.

I am surprised at you, gentlemen.

Here I am trying to be your friend...

...and you do these
embarrassing things to me.

Don't you know this could
get me into hot water with the high command?

They would court-martial me
after all these years of a perfect record.

Now you wouldn't want that
to happen to me, would you?

Fortunately, those two men...

As I was saying...

...fortunately, those two men
did not get very far.

They had the good sense
to rejoin us again...

...so my record
would stand unblemished.

Nobody has ever escaped
from Stalag 17.

Not alive, anyway.

Sergeant Hoffman of Barracks 4.

Yes, Sergeant Hoffman.

As duly elected compound chief...

...I protest the way
these bodies are left lying in the mud.

- Anything else?
- Yes.

According to the Geneva Convention,
dead prisoners are to be given a decent burial.

Of course. I'm aware
of the Geneva Convention.

They'll be given the burial they deserve.

Or perhaps you would suggest...

...we haul in 21 cannons from the eastern front
and give them a 21 -gun salute?

For the last time, gentlemen...

...let me remind you, any prisoners
found outside of barracks after lights out...

...will be shot on sight.

Furthermore...

...the iron stove in Barrack 4...

...the one camouflaging the trap door,
will be removed.

And so that the men from this barrack
do not suffer from the cold...

...they will keep warm
by filling in the escape tunnel.

Is that clear?

All right, then, gentlemen...

...we are all friends again.

And with Christmas coming on,
I have a special treat for you.

I'll have you all deloused for the holidays.

And I'll have
a little Christmas tree for every barrack.

You will like that.

Who did this?

I will give the funny man
exactly five seconds to step forward.

Then you'll all stand here
if it takes all day and all night.

That is better.

I see.

Six hundred funny men.

There will be no Christmas trees.

But there will be delousing
with ice water from the hoses.

Dismissed!

Guten morgen, sergeants.

We will remove the iron stove...

...the one that was camouflaging
the trap door.

- I'm telling you, these Nazis ain't kosher.
- You can say that again.

These Nazis ain't kosher.

I said you could say it again.
That doesn't mean you have to repeat it.

Private property, bub.

How come the Krauts
knew about that stove, Security?

And the tunnel?

You can't lay down a belch
without them knowing it.

If you don't like the way
I'm handling this job, get...

Kill it, Duke. It's got us all spinning.

I just want to know
what makes them Krauts so smart.

Maybe they do it with radar.

Maybe they got a mike hidden somewhere.

Yeah. Right up Joey's ocarina.

Or maybe it's not that they're so smart.
Maybe it's that we're so stupid.

Maybe there's somebody in our barracks
tipping them off.

- You don't say.
- Yes, I do say!

One of us is a stoolie.
A dirty, stinking stoolie!

Is that Einstein's theory,
or you figure it out yourself?

Hey! Hey!

New dames in the Russian compound!

- Hot dang!
- Come on!

New dames! New dames!

New dames in the Russian compound!

Oh, you sweethearts!

Let's open up the third front!

How about a little borscht,
just the two of us?

Hey, Russki, Russki!

Look at those bublichkis!

Hey, look at me! I'm your baby!

Get a load of that blond.
She's build like a brick Kremlin.

Hey, comrade! Here I am!

Harry Shapiro,
the volga boatman at Barracks 4!

Lay off! The blond is mine!

Hey, Olga Volga!

Wait for me!

- Let me go!
- They'll shoot you.

- Let me go! Let me go!
- They'll shoot you, Animal.

I don't care. Let me go!

Chow!

- Chow, Animal. Chow.
- I don't want to eat.

I want to go over there.
I just want to talk with them.

No, you don't.
You don't want any broads with boots on.

I don't care if they wear galoshes.

You want Betty Grable.

- Let me go!
- Betty Grable!

I told you when the war was over
I'd get you a date with Betty Grable.

How are you gonna get me
a date with Betty Grable?

How? We go to California.

I got a cousin that works
for the gas company.

That's how we get the address, see?

We go to the house, and when she comes
I say, "Congratulations, Miss Grable.

We have voted you the girl
we'd most like to be behind barbed wire with.

And I'm here to present the award."

What's the award?

What do you think, jerko?

- You're the award.
- Me?

Well, supposing she don't want me?

Well, if she don't want you,
she don't get nothing.

You're teasing me again, Harry.

Let go, Animal! Let go!
It's chow! We'll miss chow!

Chow.

Are you supposed to drink this, or shave?

- Drink.
- Shave.

- Anyone else want potato soup?
- No.

- You sure?
- Yes.

Chow! Chow!
Where's my chow? Chow!

Do you have to put your socks
in my breakfast?

Tough luck.

I hate this life.

- Set her up, Cookie. I'm starved.
- I'm all ready.

Easy, Animal. Easy.

Where'd it come from?

- From a chicken, bug-wit.
- A chicken?

A chicken lays those things.

Don't you remember, Animal?

Hey, it's beautiful.

Are you gonna eat it all by yourself?

Mm-hm. The yellow and the white.

Is it all right if we smell it?

Just don't drool on it.

You're not gonna eat the shells?

Help yourself.

Hey, thanks.

What are we gonna do with it?

We're gonna plant it, Animal.

We're gonna grow us a chicken
for Christmas.

If I were you,
I'd eat that egg someplace else...

...like, for instance, under the barracks.
- Coffee looks a little weak today.

Come on, trader horn, let's hear it.

- What did you give the Krauts for that?
- Forty-five cigarettes. Price has gone up.

That wouldn't be the cigarettes
you took us for?

What was I gonna do with them?
I smoke cigars.

Nice guy.

The Krauts shoot Manfredi and Johnson
and he's out trading with them.

This may be my last hot breakfast
on account of they're gonna take that stove out.

- So would you let me eat it in peace?
- Now, ain't that too bad?

Tomorrow he'll have to suck a raw egg.

Oh, he don't have to worry.

He could always trade the Krauts
for a six-burner gas range.

Maybe a deep freeze too.

What's the beef, boys? So I'm trading.

Everybody here is trading.

Maybe I trade sharper.
Does that make me a collaborator?

A lot sharper, Sefton.

I'd like to have some of that loot.

Oh, you would, would you?

Listen,
the first week in this joint...

...somebody stole my Red Cross package,
my blanket and my shoe.

Since then I've wised up.

This ain't no Salvation Army.
This is everybody for himself. Dog eat dog.

You stink, Sefton.

Oh, come off it!

Now you've done it.
You've given me nervous indigestion.

Here, Joey.

Anything else bothering you, boys?

Yeah, just one little thing.

How come you were so sure Manfredi
and Johnson wouldn't get out?

I wasn't so sure. I just liked the odds.

What's that supposed to mean?

They're dead out there
and I'm trying to find out how come.

I'll tell you how come.

Because you said it'd be safe...

...and you, the barracks chief,
gave them the green light.

What are you guys trying to prove?
Cutting trap doors. Digging...

- Listen, Sefton!
- You listen to me!

What do you think the chances are
of getting out?

And let's say you make it to Switzerland.
Let's say to the States. So what?

They ship you out in another plane
and you get shot down.

Only this time you wind up
in a Japanese prison camp.

That is, if you're lucky.

Well, I'm no escape artist.

Cigar, Cookie.

You can be the heroes...

...the guys with fruit salad on your chest.

Me, I'm staying put.

And I'm gonna make myself
as comfortable as I can.

And if it takes a little trading with the enemy
to get me some food or a better mattress...

...that's okay by Sefton.

Why, you crud.

This war's gonna be over someday.

Then what do you think we'll do
to Kraut-kissers like you?

That's enough!

At ease. At ease.

At ease. At ease. Here's Marko.

All right, break it off down there.
At ease for the news.

All right, at ease.

Today's camp news.

"Father Murray announces
that due to local regulations...

...the Christmas mass
will be held at 7 in the morning."

- Seven?
- He also says, quote:

"All you sack rats better show up for services
and no bull from anybody," unquote.

- At ease.
- At ease.

Next.

"Monday afternoon
a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool.

See Oscar Rudolph of Barracks 7
if you wish to enter a yacht."

All right, at ease.

At ease.

Next.

"Jack Cushingham and Larry Blake
will play Frank de Notta and Mike Cohen...

...for the pinochle championship."

- That's a fix.
- Yeah.

- All right, at ease.
- At ease.

Next.

"Tuesday afternoon at 2:00...

...all men from Texas will meet
behind the north latrine."

- All right, at ease.
- At ease.

Next. "A warning from the kommandant:

Anybody found throwing rocks
at low-flying German aircraft...

...will be thrown in the boob."

- All right, at ease.
- At ease.

- Are the doors covered?
- Yeah, the doors are covered.

Okay, Steve, give them the radio.

- You can keep it for two days.
- We're supposed to have it for a week.

You're lucky to get it at all.
The boys are afraid the jerries'll find it.

- This barracks is jinxed.
- We'll take care of it.

Get the antenna going.
We'll see if we can catch the BBC.

Get the antenna, get the antenna...

...get the antenna, get the antenna.

Get the antenna.

Oh, I got the ball, I got the ball.

- Getting anything?
- Getting too much. Trying to unscramble.

If you can't get BBC,
how about a little Guy Lombardo?

Are we boring you, Sefton?

Hold it. Quiet.

Five panzer divisions...

...and nine infantry divisions...

...of von Rundstedt's army...

...are pouring into the wide breach.

The Krauts have busted through.

A second German wedge...

...is reported 14 miles west of Malmedy...

...where tank columns
cut the road to Bastogne.

...volleyball

...volleyball

Wunderbar! Isn't he wunderbar?

- Has driven across Luxemburg.

The allied Air Force...

...is grounded by poor visibility.

Meanwhile...

...two of Patton's tank units...

...have been diverted toward Bastogne...

...and are trying to...

- Come on, come on.
- Static.

Static is right. The radio's static,
Patton's static, and we're static.

Looks like it's gonna be
a longer war than you figured, huh?

Easy. Easy.

Watch it, watch it.

Well, well, gentlemen,
am I interrupting something?

Yeah, Schulz, we were just
passing out guns.

Guns?

Ah, you're joking.
Always with the wisecrackers.

"Wisecrackers."

Where did he pick up English?
A pretzel factory?

You always think I am a square.

I've been to America.
I've been wrestling there.

I wrestled in Milwaukee
and Saint Louis, in Cincinnati.

And I will go back.

The way the war is going,
I will be there before you.

- You should live so long. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

Here. That's me in Cincinnati.

Who's the other wrestler?
With the mustache?

That's my wife.

Hey, look at all that meat.

Ain't she the bitter end?

Oh, give it back.

You must not arouse yourself.

Hey, Schulz, I got a deal for you.

Suppose you help us escape.

We'll go home and have everything
waiting for you in Madison Square Garden.

For the heavyweight wrestling
championship of the world...

...in this corner, Schulz,
the Beast of Bavaria...

...versus the hunchback of Stalag 17!

And now, gentlemen...

...we will all go outside
for a little gymnastics.

We will grab some shovels...

...and we will undig that tunnel
which you digged.

Schulz, why don't we
just plug up the tunnel...

...with the kommandant
on one end and you on the other?

It isn't me. It's the orders.

I'm your friend.

I'm your best friend here.

Cut out the guff, Schulz.
We're on to you.

You know everything that's happening.

Who's tipping you off?

Tipping me off? I do not understand.

You're wasting your time, Duke.

Come on, everybody! Outside!
Let's get it over with!

Oh, just a second, Hoffy.

Schulz says he's our best friend.
Maybe he can give us a hint.

Come on, Schulz, spill it.

How'd you get the information?

About Manfredi and Johnson?

About the stove and the tunnel?

Who's giving it to you?
Which one of us is it?

- Which one is what?
- Which one is the informer?

Are you trying to say one American
would inform on another?

That's the general idea.

Only it's not so general
as far as I'm concerned.

Now you are talking crazy!

It's no use.
You might as well come clean.

Just tell them it's me.
I'm really the illegitimate son of Hitler.

And after the Germans win...

...you're gonna make me
the gauleiter of Zinzinnati!

You Americans.

You are the craziest people.

That's why I like you.

Oh, I wish I could invite you all to my house
for a nice German Christmas, huh?

Down, boy!

Down, boy! Down! Down!
Down, boy! Down! Down!

Those poor suckers,
Manfredi and Johnson.

They got out of Stalag 17, all right...

...only not quite the way they wanted to go.

Somebody in our outfit
was tipping off the Krauts, sure enough.

Only who was it?

The Animal, or Harry, or Hoffy...

...or Price, or Blondie...

...or goofy Joey, or Duke?

It sure wasn't me. Maybe it was Sefton.

Sergeant J.J. Sefton.

I guess it's about time I told you
a few more things about that Sefton guy.

If I was anything of a writer
I'd send it to the Reader's Digest...

...for one of those
"Most unforgettable characters you've ever met."

He was a big-time operator...

...always hustling, always scrounging.

Take, for instance, the horse races.

Every Saturday and Sunday,
he'd put on horse races.

He was the sole owner and operator
of the Stalag 17 turf club.

He was the presiding steward...

...the chief handicapper, the starter...

...the judge, the breeder and his own bookie.

He was the whole works.

Except that I was the stable boy,
for five smokes a day.

Give me Equipoise.
Ten on the nose.

Ten on the nose.

Come on, come on.

- Ten on Schnickelfritz.
- Equipoise.

- Schnickelfritz.
- Equipoise.

Come on, boys,
the horses are at the post.

- Equipoise?
- Equipoise.

Ten on Equipoise.

Five on Seabiscuit.
I'll pay when the parcels come.

- No credit.
- Have a heart, Sefton.

It's against the rules
of the racing commission.

Any more bets?

Ready, Cookie?

- Ready!
- Let them go!

And they're off and running at Stalag 17.

Come on, Equipoise.

Come on, you beauty!

- Equipoise! What did I tell you?
- Come on.

Don't be no rat!
Daddy'll buy you a piece of cheese!

No, let's go!

This way! This way!

Straighten out, you dog!

Hey, that's no horse! That's a dervish!

Please, please! For daddy! For daddy!

The winner is number five, Schnickelfritz!

Schnickelfritz.

I told you Schnickelfritz.

You made me bet on Equipoise.

I clocked him this morning.
He was running like a doll.

You clocked him! Why don't I clock you?

Another one of his enterprises
was the distillery.

He ran a bar right in our barracks...

...selling schnapps at two cigarettes a shot.

The boys called it the flamethrower...

...but it wasn't really that bad.

We brewed the stuff out of old potato peels...

...and once in a while,
a couple of strings off the red cross parcels...

...just to give it a little flavor.

It ain't fair, Harry.

I'm telling you, it ain't fair.

My Betty.

Ain't she beautiful?

She married an orchestra leader.

So what? There's other women.

Not for me.

Betty.

- Betty.
- Forget Betty, Animal.

I'll get you a date
with some of those Russian women.

You'll get me a date?

Sure.

I'll get you into the Russian compound.

How?

Pinky Miller from Barracks 8 tried getting
over there and they shot him in the leg.

It takes a gimmick, Animal.

I figured us a little gimmick.

- You did?
- Sharp.

Sometimes I'm so sharp it's frightening.

To the brick Kremlin.

She'll never forgive me.

Come on, Animal.

What are you serving today?

Nitric acid?

I only work here.
Talk to the management.

All right.

Mr. Management...

...what are you trying to do?
Embalm us while we're still alive?

What did you expect,
eight-year-old bottled-in-bond?

All the house guarantees
is you don't go blind.

Blind? Harry!

Harry! Harry, I'm blind, Harry.

Harry, where are you? I can't see you.

I'm blind, Harry.

Harry. Harry, I'm blind.

Blind?

How stupid can you get, Animal?

The killer-diller, of course,
the real bonanza...

...was when Sefton put up the observatory.

He scrounged himself
some high-powered Kraut lenses...

...and a magnifying mirror
and got Ronnie Bigelow from Barracks 2...

...to put the whole shebang together
for a pound of coffee.

On a clear day,
you could have seen the Swiss Alps.

Only who wanted to see the Swiss Alps?

It was about a mile away,
that Russian delousing shack...

...but we were right on top of it.

It cost you a cigarette
or a half-a-bar of chocolate a peek.

You couldn't catch much
through that steam...

...but believe you me,
after two years in that camp...

...just the idea of what was behind that window
sure spruced up your voltage.

Let's go. Twenty seconds to a customer.

Hey, Sefton, what's snarling up the traffic?

By the time we get to look,
they'll be old hags.

Simmer down, boys, simmer down.

There'll be a second show
when they put the next batch through.

Hey, Sefton.

What's the big idea?
Take that telescope out of here.

- Says who?
- Says me.

You take it out.
Only you're gonna have a riot on your hands.

Every time the men get packages,
you think up some angle to rob them.

The Krauts find that,
they'll throw us in the boob.

They know about that.
I'd worry about that radio.

- They know about your distillery and the races.
- That's right.

Just what makes
you and them Krauts so buddy-buddy?

Ask Security.

Go on. Tell him.
You've got me shadowed every minute.

- Haven't you found out?
- Not yet.

Answer.
How do you rate all these privileges?

I grease the guards.
I give them 10 percent.

And maybe a little something else.

- What?
- Maybe a little information.

- Break it off!
- How much do we have to take from this crud?

There'll be no vigilante stuff.
Not while I'm barracks chief.

Hey, look at them!

- Those crazy jerks!
- They won't get away with it!

The Krauts'll shoot them!

It's Harry and the Animal!

They're trying to sneak
into the Russian compound!

They're past the 50-yard line.

- It's a quarterback sneak.
- Look at them go!

Those idiots will paint themselves
right into their graves.

Get a load of them

Hello, bublichki. How are you all?

Hey! Hey, the brick Kremlin!

Hey, Olga Volga, wait for me.

Hey, Animal.

The window.

Hmm.

So life sort of
drifted back to normal in Stalag 17.

It was a couple of days before Christmas
and everything seemed quiet enough.

But underneath it all, we knew
we were sitting on a barrel of dynamite...

...and that the stoolie, whoever he was,
was ready to strike again at any second.

At ease. At ease. At ease.

All right, at ease. At ease.

Mail call!

- All right, at ease.
- Hey, man.

Anything for Stanislaus Kuzawa?

First, the kommandant is sending
every barracks a little Christmas present.

A copy of Mein Kampf.

- All right, at ease.
- At ease.

In the words of Oberst von Scherbach:

"Now that the German victory is in sight...

...all American prisoners are to be indoctrinated
with the teachings of the fuehrer," unquote.

In my own words:

Unquote.

That's the wrong direction.

Give that man a kewpie doll.

- Martin.
- Here.

- Shapiro.
- Yup.

- Price.
- Yeah.

- Trzcinski.
- Yo.

- Mckay.
- Yo.

Shapiro. Shapiro.

Manfredi.

Shapiro.

- Musgrove.
- Hey.

- Mckay.
- Yo.

- Peterson.
- Yeah.

- Plews.
- Here.

- Pirelli.
- Hey.

- Coleman.
- Yo.

Shapiro.

Nothing for Stanislaus Kuzawa?

Shapiro. Shapiro.

- Agnew.
- Here.

And just what makes you so popular?

It's amazing.

Fifty million guys
running around loose back home...

...and all those dames want
is "Sugar Lips" Shapiro.

- Plews.
- Here.

- Bauer.
- Here.

- Mckay.
- Yo.

- Agnew.
- Here.

- Here, Kuzawa.
- Yeah.

Give this to Joey, will you?

Hey, is that all the mail?

All right, at ease. At ease.

Here's a little something from Father Murray.
One to each barrack.

And he says he wants you cruds
to cut out all swearing during yuletide.

- How'd he get those trees?
- I don't know. Prayed.

They grew out of his mattress.

Come on, Steve.

Hey.

- What do we do for decorations?
- For that you got to pray yourself.

"And so, Joey...

...we do hope that you will finish
that last year of law school...

...when you come back home."

Law school?

Hey, you don't want to be
no stinking lawyer...

...with a stinking briefcase
in a stinking office, do you, Joey?

No.

"And do keep writing, son.

Your letters are very dear to us.

With all our love, Dad."

Hey, it's from your dad, Joey.

Here, take it.

Next time we write to your folks,
you know what you're gonna say?

You're gonna say
that you don't wanna be no lawyer.

That you wanna be a musician, maybe, huh?

And play the flute.

Yeah, Joey?

"I saw a wonderful article on German
prison camps in one of the magazines."

Mom reads a lot.

"They showed pictures of the tennis courts...

...and they also say that in the winter they
freeze them over so you boys can ice skate."

Anything about us grouse hunting
in the Vienna woods?

"In a way,
I'm glad you're not in America right now...

...with everything rationed here,
like gas and meat."

Heart-rendering, ain't it?
Why don't we send them some food parcels?

What do all those broads say?

What do they always say?

Let me read one.

It's not good for you, Animal.

Hey, this is with a typewriter.

It's from a finance company.

So it is from the finance company.

So it's better than no letter at all.

So they want the third payment
on the Plymouth.

So they want the fourth, the fifth...

...the sixth, the seventh.

So they want the Plymouth.

"Sugar Lips" Shapiro.

Amazing, ain't it?

I believe it. I believe it.

- You believe what?
- My wife.

She says, "Darling, you won't believe it...

...but I found the most adorable baby
on our doorstep...

...and I've decided to keep it
for our very own.

Now, you won't believe it,
but it's got exactly my eyes and nose."

Why does she keep saying
"I don't believe it"? I believe it.

I believe it.

This is it, gentlemen.

Don't bother to scrape your shoes.

Okay, gang. Meet our new guests.

This is Lieutenant Dunbar
and this is Sergeant Bagradian.

A lieutenant?

Knock it off. Knock it off.
The pleasure's all mine.

- How are things?
- What's doing on the outside?

Yeah, what's new in the States?

Well, the skirts are shorter,
if that's what you mean.

At ease.

The lieutenant will be with us a week or so
until the Krauts ship him to the officers' camp.

Seems like all the railroad lines are fouled up.
Somebody blew up an ammunition train.

Somebody, my eye.

The lieutenant did it. Right in the station
with 50 German guards around.

Glad to have you with the organization.

Yeah, you're just in time
for the Christmas pageant.

Looks more like
the lost company of Tobacco Road.

He's an actor.
You should see him do imitations.

He can imitate anybody.

Do Lionel Barrymore again.

- Do Alan Ladd.
- Do Cary Grant.

Hey, do Grable.

Now, see here, Scarlet...

...I'm crazy about you and always have been.

I gave you kisses for breakfast...

...kisses for lunch and kisses for supper.

- And now I find that you're eating out.
Ha-ha-ha.

Not Gable, Grable.

That's enough.
They were shot down two days ago...

...and they've been on their feet ever since.
Price here will show you to your bunks.

Fix them some tea, huh?

We had a couple of unexpected vacancies.

Which will it be? Upper or lower?

Uh, it doesn't matter,
just so I can get some sleep.

- Lieutenant Dunbar?
- Yeah.

It wouldn't be
James Schuyler Dunbar from Boston?

Yes, it sure would.
Do we know each other?

Oh, he's from Boston too,
but you wouldn't know him.

- Not unless you had your house robbed.
- Maybe he would.

We were gonna be officers together,
remember?

Only they washed me out.
Glad to see you made it.

It couldn't be that all that dough
had something to do with it.

His mother's got $20 million.

Heh, 25.

They've got a home in Nantucket
with an upstairs polo field.

- Better put a canopy over his bunk.
- Lay off, Sefton.

With all your mother's pull,
how come you're not a colonel by now?

Lay off,
unless you want your head handed to you.

Tea is being served on the verandah.

Animal, where are the napkins?

Do be seated, Bonita, heh.

What a perfectly
charming table arrangement.

They must have copied it
from House Beautiful, heh.

Animal!

How many times have I told you,
you always gotta pour from the left?

Thank you, James, heh.

Don't encourage them.
Those are the barracks' clowns.

Where'd they get you? Over Frankfurt?

On the Schweinfurt run.

- Flack or fighters?
- Fighters.

How many ships did you lose?

Hmm. About half the group.

Flying out of England?

Yes. Waddington. 92nd bomber group.

Hey, lieutenant, how'd you blow up
that train with 50 guards around?

Well, I, heh...

Just lucky, I guess.

Don't let him kid you.

Cagney couldn't have pulled a sweeter job.

Here's what happened.

We're waiting at the depot at Frankfurt.
Understand?

When an ammunition train comes through...

...the longest ammunition train you ever saw.
Understand?

Oh, he's just giving it a big buildup.

Actually, it was simple enough.

I just drifted into the men's room, fixed myself
up a little time bomb, broke open the window...

...and when the train started pulling out,
I just tossed the thing into an open car.

I guess there must have been
some straw in there.

Yeah.

And about three minutes later
you can hear it.

Boom! Understand?

Broke every window in Frankfurt.
Understand?

It was gorgeous.

Wait a second. I'm not through.
Understand?

I wouldn't talk about things like that.

- They never caught on.
- They may. I'd keep my mouth shut.

Why? We're all Americans here, aren't we?

- The Krauts have a way of getting information.
- Yeah, especially in this barracks.

- How?
- That's what we'd like to know.

There's only one pair left.

Well, get some more.

Say, uh, where does a fellow
take a hot shower around here?

Hot shower, heh? Dig him.

Sorry. No hot showers.
You wash in the latrine.

In a latrine!

What did you expect, glamour boy?

An officers' club with a steam room
and a massage, maybe?

Hey, just a minute.

You made cracks and I let them slide...

...but I don't intend to take any more.

If you resent my having money,
start a revolution...

...but get off my back.
- All your dough won't help here...

...because here you're on your own.
No mother to throw a lifebelt.

- Now let's see how good you can swim.
- I can swim, all right.

We own three swimming pools
and a private lake.

It figures.

Sorry, boys, my taxi's waiting.

Cut the horseplay, Harry.
What's the matter with you guys?

Get ready. Here he comes.

Und Poland, kaputt.

Und fräulein mit the glockenspiel... verboten.

Und the apple struder mit the... gesundheit.

Everything is gesundheit,
kaputt und verboten!

Gentlemen, attention!

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil...

Droppen sie dead.

Quiet! We're indoctrinating!

- Ist you all indoctrinated?
- Jawohl.

- Ist you all good little Nazis?
- Jawohl.

- Ist you all good little Adolfs?
- Jawohl.

Then we will all salute feldwebel Schulz.

About face!

- Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
- Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

One fuehrer is enough.

Now please, gentlemen,
take off those mustaches.

- Or do you want me arrested by the Gestapo?
- Jawohl!

You would be very sorry
to get a new feldwebel.

Somebody without a sense of humor, huh?

Okay, gang, take off the mustaches.

Now, what is it, Schulz?

Gentlemen, tomorrow morning
the Geneva man is coming...

...to inspect the camp and find out whether
we are living up to the international convention.

I'm sure he will find
that we are treating you very well.

Now, you must not run around
in your underwear.

And take off the wash.

The kommandant wants
all the barracks to be spic and also span.

Ja, we'll put pink ribbons on the bedbugs.

The kommandant
also sends you clean blankets.

He wants every man
to have a new clean blanket.

Yeah, yeah, we know.
We had them last year.

Five minutes after the Geneva man was gone,
the blankets were gone.

Uh, the kommandant also told me
to pick up the radio.

Radio? What radio, Schulz?

The one you are hiding in the barracks,
don't you know?

The one your friend mit out the leg
is smuggling all over the compound.

Schulz, you're off your nut.

- Give me the radio.
- No radio.

All right, gentlemen, I will find it myself.

Now, let's see.

Where could it be?

Maybe...

Maybe in the lieutenant's bunk?

Oh, no, not in the lieutenant's bunk.

I'm cold here.

Maybe warmer on this side.

In the piccolo may...

Oh, no, not in the piccolo.

Am I getting warmer?

Hot, maybe?

Very hot?

What is this? This is water?

- It's a mousetrap.
- Heh, and this?

My grandmother's earmuffs.

Heh, look at them, lieutenant.
Everybody is a clown.

How do you expect to win the war
mit an army of clowns?

We sort of hope
you'll laugh yourselves to death.

Yes.

Now, outside, everybody!

Everybody out for the blankets!

- Clear out. Here we go.
- Hey, you too! Outside! Get going!

Hurry up, boys.

Oh, that Schulz pig.

He knew where the radio was all the time.

Whoever that stoolie is,
he's sure batting 1000.

Now the guy I want to talk to is Sefton.
Has anybody seen Sefton?

Cookie, you haven't seen Sefton, have you?

No, I haven't.

Krause, you here.

Hoffy, I'm very sorry about the mousetrap...

...but the war news
are very depressing anyway, huh?

I might as well
also confiscate the antenna.

American know-how.

- All right, let's hear it. Where's Sefton?
- I don't know.

- He wouldn't be at the kommandant's?
- I don't know, I told you.

- What did the Krauts trade him for the radio?
- I don't know.

- Why don't we look in these footlockers?
- No.

- Come on, you stooge. Hand over them keys.
- I haven't got any keys.

- Okay, then I'll get me a key.
- Ow.

- Hey!
- Okay, Hoffy?

- Okay.
- Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, don't. Sefton will get mad.

Of all the hoarding cruds.

Looks like Macy's basement, don't it?

That kid's richer than my mother.

Oh, shut up!

For crying out loud.

What would he be doing with these?

Suppose you ask me. Go on, ask me.

Because I got the goods on Mr. Sefton.

Because this time he didn't shake me.

Take a look for yourself.

It'll curdle your guts.

The Russian women.

Get away.

Here, try the end window,
where the candy is.

Come on, Hoffy, we all want to see.

- How'd he get over there?
- Easy.

Walked through the gate, past the guard,
like he was some Kraut field marshal.

Now we know what he got for the radio.

This is murder.

The stinking miser,
keeping all that for himself.

So I'm a vigilante, huh?
So, what are the officers gonna do now?

Don't worry,
we'll handle it from here.

Well, you'd better handle it fast,
before he sells us all down the river.

Hi.

Too late for chow?

What's the matter, boys?
My slip showing?

I'll say it is.

You spilled a little borscht on it.

Borscht?

- Did you have a good time over there?
- Oh.

Somebody was peeking.

Yeah, had a dreamy time.

Those dames,
they really know how to throw a party.

I've known some women in my time,
but between you and me...

...there's nothing like
the hot breath of the Cossacks.

There are a couple of blond snipers over there.
Real man-killers. They...

What's this?

What happened, Cookie?
Who did it?

We did it.

Better not be anything missing.
This is private property.

So was the radio private property.

So were Manfredi and Johnson.

What about the radio?

Yeah, what about it?

Cut the horsing around.

We know he's the stoolie
and what the payoff is.

- So let's get on with it.
- Let's get on with what?

What is this, anyway?
A kangaroo court?

- Why don't you get a rope and do it right?
- You make my mouth water.

You're all wire happy, boys.
You've been in this camp too long.

You put 2 and 2 together
and it comes out 4. Only it ain't 4!

What's it add up to you, Sefton?

It adds up
that you got yourselves the wrong guy.

Because I'm telling you the Krauts
wouldn't plant two stoolies in one barracks.

And whatever you do to me, you're gonna
have to do all over when you find the right guy.

Watch it. The kommandant.

Achtung, Herr Kommandant.

Good evening, sergeants.

Little coffee klatch you are having, eh?

Gloomy in here, isn't it?

Where is the barracks chief?

Yes, sir.

You have a lieutenant here.
Lieutenant, uh, James Dunbar.

Yes, sir.

I'm Lieutenant Dunbar.

What is your number?

105353.

That is correct.

Lieutenant Dunbar,
I came to apologize for the accommodations.

Ordinarily, of course,
we never put officers up with enlisted men.

I'll live.

Quite a transportation jam
we are having outside of Frankfurt.

They are very angry in Berlin.

They will be even angrier on the east front
waiting for that ammunition train.

Don't you think so, lieutenant?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Now, lieutenant, how would you like
to join me in my quarters?

I have a nice fire going.

I'm okay here. Why bother?

No bother.
I'm very grateful for a little company.

You see, I suffer from insomnia.

Did you ever try 40 sleeping pills?

We have some rights, colonel.
Why is this man being taken out?

Curtains would do wonders for this barrack.

You will not get them.

How did he ever find out about that train?

You must have shot your mouths off
from Frankfurt to here.

- No, we didn't.
- Maybe just a hint or so? Think hard.

I don't have to think.

We didn't say anything to anybody.
Not a word.

Not until we hit this barracks.

What are you looking at me for?

Lights out! Lights out!

Lights out!

I suppose some jerk's gonna say I did it.

Why don't you try it one at a time?

Now, there's a lot of folks around these
days that don't believe in Santa Claus.

I always did and I always will.

For a while, I thought
the Luftwaffe had shot him down...

...reindeer, sleigh and all.
But no, sir.

Come the day before Christmas...

...the Geneva man showed up
with some presents for us.

They brought us coffee,
a little sugar, prunes and toothbrushes.

And of all things, some Ping-Pong balls.
There must have been a slip-up someplace...

...because suddenly we wound up
with 2000 Ping-Pong balls.

It seemed pretty idiotic at the time...

...but as it turned out,
those Ping-Pong balls sure came in handy.

Oh, mother,
did they come in handy!

Hey, Schulz.

What is this?

You must get out of your bunk.

The Geneva man is coming to inspect the...

Du lieber Gott!
How do you look. You had a fight?

How would you like to give Frau Schulz
silk stockings for Christmas?

You should go and see the doctor.
Maybe I can...

- Silk stockings.
- Take them.

Wunderbar, heh.

Maybe they are
too wunderbarfor my wife...

...but, heh, there is a piano teacher
in the village...

And how about 200 cigarettes for yourself?

Two hundred cigarettes!

What is it you want from me?

- Who's the guy?
- What guy?

The one you work with.

- How do you do it?
- I don't want those.

- Oh, yes, you do. I'll make it 400.
- No! No! No!

Listen, Schulz, you'd better talk because
I'm gonna find out with you or without you.

I won't let go for a second.

They'll have to kill me to stop me! So talk!

Talk what? No, I don't know anything.

How many do you want, 1000?

- Here. Take them! Take them!
- No, no, no!

When the Geneva man
comes through the barracks...

...I do not want you to complain to him...

...because I have orders from the kommandant
to report everyone who complains.

Look at him.
Dunbar's being crucified and he's trading again.

Didn't you get enough?
You still itching for more?

Some guys never learn.

Here's some ice off the roof.

Beat it, you little stooge.

Go on, tell the crumb where he stands.

I called a meeting
of the barracks chiefs this morning.

I thought I could
get you transferred into another barracks.

But it turns out that nobody likes you
any more than we do.

So you're stuck with me, huh?

Maybe the Russian broads would take him.

Not with that kisser, not anymore.

You got off lucky last night, Sefton.

One more move
and you'll wake up with your throat cut.

You listening, Sefton?

Yeah, I still got one good ear.

Now, you listen to me.

There are two guys in this barracks
that know I didn't do it.

Me and the guy that did do it.

And it could be any one of you.

You, Hoffy, or Duke, or Price...

...or the Animal, or Blondie, or even Joey.

And he'd better watch out,
the guy that left me holding the stick.

If there's gonna be any throats cut
in this barrack...

Out, out!

Everybody at attention for the Geneva man!

As you were, gentlemen. Please.

Here we have a typical barrack.

It houses 75 men.

- Every one of them has his own bunk, naturally.
- Naturally.

It would be rather awkward
to have three men in one bunk.

As for the blankets,
you will notice they're very warm.

Fifty percent wool.

They also smell of mothballs.

When were they issued? This morning?

What do you do for heat in this barrack?

No stove.

The men here used it as a trap door,
so we had to remove it temporarily.

How long is temporarily?

I trust not until July.

Here you see a meal
the prisoners are getting.

Schulz, what are we having today?

Bean soup mit ham hocks.

Would you like to taste it?

- Thank you, no.
- Where's the ham hock?

There should be a ham hock!

When you find it, we'll send it to Geneva.

Are there any complaints?

Please speak up.

Don't be afraid to talk.

That's what
the Geneva convention is for...

...to protect the rights of prisoners of war,
whether they are Americans or Germans.

- What have you got to say?
- I like it here.

What about you?

It's all right, considering.

What happened to you?

Were you beaten?

Why don't you answer?

- What did you do to this man?
- They didn't do nothing.

- Who beat you?
- Nobody beat me.

We were playing pinochle.
It's a rough game.

Pardon me, sir.

Since you want us to speak up, there was
a man removed from this barracks last night.

A Lieutenant Dunbar.

We'd appreciate your looking into it.

That's if they haven't shot him yet.

Why was the man arrested?

- Sabotage. He blew up a train.
- They'd have to prove that, wouldn't they?

Isn't that what the Geneva Convention says?
You can't just take a man and shoot him.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Of course you did.

Twenty-six carloads of munitions
gone off like a trick cigar.

The S.S. Is running around in circles.

The Gestapo is arresting the wrong people.

And von Scherbach has caught the fish.

Most amusing, isn't it? Uh-uh.

You are being rude again.

I just wanna go to sleep.

Nine-thirty.

General von Pfeffinger
will be at his desk by now.

Shall we call Berlin
and tell him the good news?

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Hauptkommando Berlin,
General von Pfeffinger. Dringend.

I hope you appreciate this moment,
lieutenant.

You see, I am a cavalry man.

All the von Scherbachs were cavalry men.

Well, you know what happened
to the cavalry.

Just give me 5 minutes on that couch,
will you? Five minutes.

The young ones
they put into the panzer divisions.

The older ones,
they put in the quartermaster corps...

...or made them recruiting officers,
or wardens, like me.

Wet nurses to putrid prisoners.

In Berlin, they have forgotten...

...that Colonel von Scherbach even exists.

But they will remember now.

Berlin? General von Pfeffinger?

Oberst von Scherbach, Stalag 17.

Jawohl, Herr General.

Name: Dunbar, Leutenant Dunbar.
Sabotage.

Jawohl, Herr General.

Well, there will be two S.S. Men
here tomorrow...

...to take you to Berlin.

You will be interrogated
by the general staff.

When it comes to the part
about your arrest...

...I'm sure you won't forget
to give me the proper credit.

I just want to sleep.

I haven't slept in three days.

You will remember the name.

Scherbach, von Scherbach.

Well, Herr Inspektor,
how did you find the camp?

Crowded, but gemutlich, shall we say?

I want to talk about Lieutenant Dunbar.

- Is this Lieutenant Dunbar?
- It is.

What exactly is he charged with?

Whatever it is,
it's out of your jurisdiction.

This man is not a prisoner of war.

Not anymore.

He's a saboteur.

He's a prisoner of war
until you can prove sabotage.

I didn't do it.

I was in the Frankfurt station and the train
was three miles away when it blew up.

Come now, you threw a time bomb.

How could I have had a time bomb?

They searched me
when they took me prisoner.

And the way you search your prisoners,
it does sound rather unlikely.

All I know is he did it. I am satisfied.

I am not.
According to the Geneva Convention, this man...

Is there anything in the Geneva Convention
that'll let a guy sleep?

- You were saying?
- Simply this.

After the hostilities are ended...

...there will be such a thing
as a war crimes commission.

If the man should be convicted
without proper proof...

...you will be held responsible,
Oberst von Scherbach.

- Interesting.
- Isn't it?

Very well.

If you insist on details...

...I have ways of finding out
about that blasted time bomb.

Good day, sir.

- You will forgive me for receiving you like this.
- Perfectly all right. I do not like boots.

Schulz!

I believe it. I believe it.

Let's have your dog tags
for the Christmas tree.

What's the idea?
You don't think you can eat that.

We're building us a smudge pot
so Patton can find us when he comes.

Twenty parts of cellulose,
one part phosphorous. Watch.

He'll be able to see our smoke signal
four miles away.

But Patton is 400 miles away.

Well, I say, be prepared.

- Heh, ok, boy scout.
- Hey, look what we got.

- The phonograph!
- Music!

Put it down here, boys.

- We made a deal with Barracks 1.
- Now, where's that distillery?

Over here, boys.

Let's have that distillery.

Come on, we swapped it for the phonograph.
Any objections, Sefton?

Take it.

- Hey, Price. Any news on Dunbar?
- Huh?

He's still at the kommandants office,
that's all I know.

Don't worry.

When Johnny comes marching home again

Hurrah! Hurrah!

- We'll give him a hearty welcome then
Hurrah! Hurrah!

The men will cheer and the boys will shout

The ladies they will all turn out

And we'll all feel gay
When Johnny comes marching home

Get ready for the Jubilee
Hurrah! Hurrah!

We'll give the hero three times three
Hurrah! Hurrah!

The laurel wreath is ready now
To place upon his loyal brow

And we'll all feel gay
When Johnny comes marching home

Let love and friendship on that day
Hurrah, hurrah!

Their choicest pleasures then display
Hurrah, hurrah!

And let each one perform some part
To fill with joy the warrior's heart

And we'll all feel gay
When Johnny comes marching home

When Johnny comes marching home again
Hurrah! Hurrah!

We'll give him a hearty welcome then
Hurrah! Hurrah!

The men will cheer and the boys will shout
The ladies they will all turn out

And we'll all feel gay
When Johnny comes marching home

When Johnny comes marching home again
Hurrah! Hurrah!

We'll give him a hearty welcome then
Hurrah! Hurrah!

Oh, the men will cheer and the boys will shout
The ladies they will all turn out

And we'll all feel gay
When Johnny comes marching home

When Johnny comes marching home again
Hurrah! Hurrah!

We'll give him a hearty welcome then
Hurrah! Hurrah!

The men will cheer and the boys will shout
The ladies they will all turn out

And we'll all feel gay
When Johnny comes marching home

This kid's too good for me.

Let's see how good he is.

- Same stakes?
- Sure, go ahead.

Hey, that's not bad.

- Where'd you learn your pitching?
- From the farmer's daughter.

Something I've been meaning to ask.
It has to do with security.

Shoot.

We're having a tough time
keeping stuff from the Krauts.

Like our escape equipment, for instance.
So we're always looking for new devices.

Uh-huh.

Looks like you found one.

- Me?
- Well, I mean the lieutenant.

He hid a time bomb on him, right?

He even carried it through
prisoners' search, didn't he?

Where did he hide it?

Right in his pocket.

- The old cigarette-match gag.
- What's that?

You take a book of matches,
light a cigarette, slip it in.

It takes about three minutes
for the cigarette to burn.

Then it sets off the matches.

Simple.

Some time bomb.

Hey, that's a ringer.

O come ye, O come ye

To Bethlehem

Come and behold him

Born the king of angels

O come, let us adore him

Don't forget the corkscrew.

O come, let us adore him

And have a cigar.

Thanks.

O Come all ye Faithful

Joyful and triumphant

O come ye, O come ye

To Bethlehem

Come and behold him

Born the king of angels

Here's a present for you, Joey.

Take it. Take it.

It's Christmas, Joey.

"Merry Christmas to Joey,
from the gang."

Open it.

I'll open for you.

Come on, Joey, play.

Air raid! Air raid!

Everybody out of the barracks!

Not on Christmas Eve.

You must get out.
For your own good, you must get out.

And put out those candles.

Come on. Let's hit the slit trenches.

I'll bet it's a phony again.

The Pentagon will hear about this.

- I'm not really built for war.
- Get out here.

Everybody out in the trenches. Quick.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Do you want to get killed?

Not particularly.

Hey, you two. Outside with you.

- Must you two always be the last?
- Oh, yeah?

You try jumping in those trenches first.
Everybody jumps in on top of you.

How do you think I got my hernia? Ugh.

Go on, let's go.

Aha.

So it got to be Christmas Day
in Stalag 17.

You ask me,
it was more like the 4th of July...

...with all the fireworks that were to go off...

...and bust the camp wide open.

It sure started off innocently enough...

...with a party going on in every barracks.

I love you, I love you

Is all that I can say

I love you, I love you

The same old words
I'm saying in the same old way

I love you, I love you

Three words that are divine

And now my dear
I'm waiting to hear

The words that make you mine

Come on, Animal, let's trip the light fantastic.

Leave me alone.

Ah, don't cry over a dame
that doesn't even know you're alive.

Snap out of it.

There comes a time in every man's life
when he wants to be left alone.

Now, go away.

All right, who wants the queen of the may?

How about you, handsome?

You look like Cary Grant.

You want to dance with me?

I'd love to, Queenie...

...but, well,
one of the other girls asked me first.

Bye, darling.

Bye.

Any cigars left, Cookie?

Come on, Cookie, get me a cigar.

What's the matter?

You on their team now?

You think I'm the guy?

I don't know what to think anymore.

I understand how you feel.

It's sort of rough...

...one American
squealing on other Americans.

Then again, Cookie...

...maybe that stoolie's
not an American at all.

Maybe he's a German
the Krauts planted in this barracks.

They do that sometimes.

Just put an agent in with us,
a trained specialist.

Lots of loose information
floating around a prison camp.

Not just whether
somebody's trying to escape.

What outfit we were with...

...where we were stationed,
how our radar operates.

Could be, couldn't it?

In this barracks?

Why not? Just one of the boys.

Sharing our bunks, eating our chow.

Right in amongst
the ones that beat me up.

Except he beat hardest.

Who is it?

That's not the point, Cookie.

The point is, what do you do with him?

You tip your mitt
and the jerries pull him out of here...

...and plant him in some place else,
like Stalag 16 or 15.

Or you kill him off...

...and the Krauts kill off the whole barracks.

Every one of us.

So, what do you do?

Who is it?

If you don't want to tell me,
why don't you tell Hoffy or Security?

Yeah.

Security.

What's keeping Hoffy?

- Why don't we get any news about Dunbar?
- He'll be back. They got no proof.

Come on, boys. Soft and sweet.

Beguile me.

Betty.

May I have this dance, miss?

Why, sure.

Pinch me, darling.

Pinch me, so I'll know I'm not dreaming.

Thank you, darling.

I love you

I love you

Three words that are divine

And now, my dear
I'm waiting to hear

The words that make you mine

Did anyone ever tell you...

...you had the most beautiful legs
in the world?

But it's not just your legs.

I'm crazy about that little nose of yours.

That cute little button of a nose.

Hey, Animal. Animal.

I've been crazy about you for years.

I've seen every picture you ever made,
six times.

I'd just sit there, watching you.

I wouldn't even open up the popcorn bag.

Animal.

Animal, wake up. Wake up.

Betty.

Animal, this is me, Harry Shapiro.

Harry Shapiro!

Harry.

Cut the music! Cut the music! Cut it!

At ease. At ease.

Somebody cover the doors.

Now, listen.

The men are here to pick up Dunbar.
They're taking him to Berlin.

- They got the proof, looks like he's finished.
- Only he's not finished yet.

Hoffy and I figured out a long shot.
I've got all the barracks behind us.

- What are you gonna do?
- Get that smudge pot.

Tie it to Steve's leg.

Now, I want everybody out of here.
We'll need a lot of commotion on the compound.

I'll get the men from the barracks.

You think you can snatch Dunbar?
Not from the S.S.

We're sure gonna make a stab at it.

Duke, Price, Stosh, Harry,
meet at the north latrine.

You'll all get your posts.

Now, everybody start drifting out,
one by one.

Easy, boys, easy.
Disperse out there nicely.

Remember,
just because the Krauts are dumb...

...that doesn't mean they're stupid.

- Ready?
- Roger.

Okay, move out.

I don't know what your scheme is.
It sounds crazy.

It may be,
but it's better than having Dunbar dead.

I guess you're right.

How about me going out
and keeping Schulz off balance?

- Good.
- I wouldn't worry about Schulz.

I'd worry about Sefton.

Remember me? I'm the stoolie.

- You ain't gonna squeal this one, brother.
- No?

Aren't you afraid
to turn the stoolie loose on that compound?

For a tip-off like this,
you know what the Krauts would pay?

You're gonna stay here in the barracks,
and not a peep out of you.

Okay then, put a guard on me.
I want you to put a guard on me.

Because if anything goes wrong out there,
this time you won't have a patsy.

- Right?
- Right.

So who's gonna watch me?

Cookie? No, not Cookie.

Wouldn't you feel safer
with Security on the job?

Okay, Price, you stay here.

What about Schulz?

We'll take care of Schulz.

Come on. You too.

That's a boy, Joey.

Play us a little something.

What do you want to hear, Price,
"Home on the Range"?

Or maybe a little Wagner?

Or, uh, how about a game of pinochle?

No, you're not a pinochle man.

You're a chess player.

I never knew much about the game.

Now, let's see...

...a pawn moves this way...

...and a bishop moves this way...

...and the queen
moves every which way, doesn't it?

Suppose you just sit down
and keep your mouth shut.

I went to school with a guy named Price.

That was in Boston.

- You're from Cleveland, aren't you?
- Yeah, I'm from Cleveland.

I thought that's what you said.
You're from Cleveland.

And you were with the, uh,
36th bomb group?

Thirty-fifth.

The 366th bomb squadron
out of Chelveston?

Are you questioning me?

Just getting acquainted.

- I'd like to make one friend in this barracks.
- Don't bother. I don't like you.

I never did and I never will.

A lot of people say that and the first thing
you know is they get married...

...and live happily ever after.

I wonder what they're trying to pull.

Where was Dunbar?

It sure drove the Krauts crazy
looking for him.

They herded us out into the compound
and put some extra guns on us...

...and gave us the old picture check.

You know, checking our dog tags
and our pans against their index file.

But nobody knew
where Dunbar was hidden.

Nobody except Hoffy,
and he wouldn't even tell us.

The Krauts searched under the barracks.
The roofs.

They even searched the bathroom
in the kommandant's office...

...but no Dunbar.

They tried to smoke him out,
throwing tear-gas into every barracks...

...just in case
he was hiding up in the rafters.

They made us stand
for six hours out there...

...until finally von Scherbach came out
and gave us his ultimatum.

If Dunbar didn't come out
by next morning...

...he'd tear down the whole lousy compound,
stick by stick...

...and if we'd sleep in the mud
for the rest our lives, that was okay by him.

He just couldn't figure how a guy
could disappear from the compound...

...and still be there,
but Dunbar was there all right.

He sure was there.

Now, let's have it understood.

This is gonna be a rough deal
but we've got no choice.

One of us is gonna have to take Dunbar
out of the camp tonight.

We'll draw one dog tag.

The guy who goes with it does the job.

It's rough because the Krauts
are expecting a move like this...

...and they've put on extra guards.

Now, if anybody wants to withdraw,
speak up.

Then we're all in on it.

Everybody but Joey and you-know-who.

All right. Who's the lucky one?

Let me do it, Hoffy.

You want to go?

No. I just want to draw.

Okay, draw.

Suppose we call this my tag,
I'll take him out.

No volunteers, Price.
I said we're all in on it.

You guys elected me Security.
The way things have been going...

...I guess I've done a poor job,
and I wanna make up for it.

- That asking too much?
- We've all done a poor job.

I still say this is my tag.

Any objections, Hoffy?

- Any objections, men?
- Not from me.

- He can have it.
- Who are we to argue with a hero?

- How about me latching on, Price?
- Three is a crowd...

...especially if you've got to
cut through wire.

Let's have the wire cutters.

- Are the civilian clothes ready?
- Coming up.

Get to work on the trap door.

What do you say, Hoffy?
We hit the air-raid trenches...

...then cut out back of Barracks 9.

You'd better cut out
in back of the south latrine.

- Why the south latrine?
- Because that's where he is. In the water tank.

Good spot.

Well, with any luck
we may be in Krems by morning.

Maybe even catch a barge up to Linz.

Two packs of cigarettes say
Dunbar never gets out of the compound.

Are you starting that again?

Anybody cover?

Somebody step on that crumb.

We warned you, Sefton.

Sure you warned me.

You were gonna slit the throat
of that stoolie.

Here's the knife to do it with.

Only make sure you got the right throat.

We're looking at it.

Hurry up on that door.
What are you trying to do, gum up the works?

That's right.
Or would you rather see Dunbar...

...lying out there in the morning,
like Manfredi and Johnson?

Look, Sefton, I had my hands full
keeping these guys from tearing you apart.

I called it last time, didn't I?

Are we gonna listen to him
until the Germans find out where Dunbar is?

The Germans know where Dunbar is.

How do they know?

You told them, Hoffy.

- Who did?
- You did.

Are you off your rocker?

Uh-huh.

Fell right on my head.

Sprechen sie deutsch?

No, I don't sprechen sie deutsch.

Maybe just one word? Kaputt?

- Because you're kaputt.
- Get this guy out of my hair so I can go.

To the kommandant's office
and tell him where Dunbar is?

Why, I'll kill you for that!

Shut up. Security officer, huh?

Always screening everybody.
Only, who screens you?

Great American hero, from Cleveland, Ohio.

Enlisted right after Pearl Harbor.

When was Pearl Harbor?
Or don't you know that?

- December 7th, '41.
- What time?

Six o'clock. I was having dinner.

Six o'clock in Berlin.

They were having lunch in Cleveland.

- Am I boring you, boys?
- Go on.

He's a Nazi, Price is.

For all I know,
his name is Preissinger or Preisshoffer.

Oh, sure, he lived in Cleveland,
but when the war broke out...

...he came back like a good little Bundist.

He spoke our lingo, so they sent him to spy
school and fixed him up with phony dog tags.

He's lying. He's trying
to get himself off the hook.

- He said shut up.
- You heard what he said.

Okay, Herr Preisshoffer,
let's have the mailbox.

The what?

The one you took out from
the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket.

Let me show you how they did it.

They did it by mail.

- Mail?
- That's right.

Little love notes between
our security officer and von Scherbach...

...with Schulz, the mailman.

Here's the flag.

They used to put a loop in the cord.

Did you ever notice?

And here's the mailboxes.

Hollow black queens.

Cute, huh?

They delivered the mail or picked it up
when we were out of the barracks, like for appell.

And when there was a special delivery
they'd pull a phony air raid to get us out...

...like last night, for instance.

There wasn't a plane in the sky.

Or was there, Price?

Brother, were we all wet about you.

Forget it.

What are we gonna do with him?

Don't you know?

Because I got my own ideas.

Let's have that civilian stuff.

I'll look pretty stupid in this,
yodeling my way across the alps.

Now, let's have the wire cutters.

- You taking Dunbar?
- You betcha.

There ought to be some reward money
from mama.

Say about 10,000 bucks worth.

I told you boys, I'm no escape artist.

For the first time, I like the odds,
because now I got me a decoy.

- What's the decoy?
- Price.

When I go
I want you to give me five minutes.

Exactly five minutes
to get Dunbar out of that water tank.

And then you throw Price
out into the compound, nice and loud.

He'll draw every light
from every goon tower.

It's our only chance to cut through.

What do you say, barracks chief?

He's right, Hoffy.

It's either Price or Dunbar.

He killed Johnson and Manfredi, didn't he?

It's all yours.

What's the matter, Price?

You said you were gonna save Dunbar,
didn't you?

So now you're getting your chance.

So long, Cookie.

You can have the department store,
what's left of it.

So long, Sefton.

You're not disposing
of those Russian broads, are you?

Tell you what to do.

Get yourself 100 cigarettes
for the Kraut guards.

Then get yourself another face.

- You could use a new one too.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Let's synchronize the watches.

It's 11:42 sharp.

Check.

Just one more word.

If I ever run into any of you bums
on a street corner...

...just let's pretend we never met before.

Shut off the moaning
or you'll have the machine guns on us.

Shut it off, lieutenant.

My legs are frozen.

You'd better get
that blue blood circulating...

...because we're busting out
of this stink-hole...

...in exactly one minute and 20 seconds.

- Sefton.
- What'd you expect, a St. Bernard dog?

- Not you.
- Want some brandy?

- Yeah.
- Who doesn't?

Suppose we wait
until we hit the Waldorf-Astoria?

Heh, okay. It's on me.

You won't get off that cheap.

What are our chances
of busting out of here?

We'll know in about 40 seconds.

Hold his leg up.

Just in case your kameraden
are hard of hearing.

Thirty seconds. Get him up.

Stop shaking, Price.

There'll be no pardon from no governor.

Funny, ain't it?
In your own vaterland by your own soldaten.

This kid's got no sense of humor.

Twenty seconds. Open the hatch.

What's the matter with you, Security?
You were always so calm.

Especially when you let
Manfredi and Johnson go out there.

Eight seconds. Seven, six, five...

...four, three...

...two, one. Go!

This is it.

- Let's blow, Chauncey.
- Let's.

All right, men,
everybody back in their bunks...

...like nothing happened.

What do you know?

The crud did it.

I'd like to know what made him do it.

Maybe he just wanted to steal
our wire cutters.