All language subtitles for Four.Weddings.And.A.Funeral.1994

[MUSIC]

MAN 1 SlNGS:
Telling the truth can be bad news

MAN 2 SlNGS:
Telling the truth can be bad news

Telling the truth--

Telling the truth can be good news

MAN 1 SlNGS:
Telling the truth is a bad idea

MAN 2 SlNGS: Telling the truth
is a difficult problem

MAN 1 SlNGS: Telling the truth--
Telling the truth is a scary...

Telling the truth
is a scary predicament

MAN 2 SlNGS:
Telling the truth is a bitter herb

MAN 1 SlNGS:
Telling the truth is a dangerous tunnel

MAN 2 SlNGS:
When you get out of that tunnel

MAN 2 SlNGS: You've got bitter herbs
MAN 1 SlNGS: It's a black life ahead

MAN 1 : Forget '' herb.'' l never heard
a hit that had the word '' herb'' in it.

MAN 2:
Telling the truth is a dangerous...

Dangerous!

Telling the truth can be dangerous
'' Dangerous'' what?

Telling the truth
can be danger--

Telling the truth can be dangerous
Business

Telling the truth
can be dangerous business

Why?

Why?

Why?

Telling the truth
Can be dangerous business

Because if yourself
You don't know why

Huh?

Well, l'm just giving you
what the idea is.

[SlNGlNG]

Oh, is that brilliant!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

MAN 2: Look at that,
Simon & Garfunk el's Greatest Hits.

MAN 1 : Lyle, '' Dangerous Business'' is
as good as anything they ever wrote.

You think so?
Sure.

The only thing
that Simon & Garfunkel
or Bruce Springsteen

or any of these guys have
that we don't have is an agent.

You think so?

'' Dangerous Business'' is as good
as '' Bridge Over Troubled Water''
any day of the week.

You think so?

l'm telling you, if we get an agent,
we get a record album.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Freed Talent Agency.
MAN: Mr. Freed,

uh, this is Chuck Clark e
of Rogers & Clark e.

Yeah?

We're songwriters
and we're looking for an agent.

Yeah.

And we saw your ad in Variety.
We're gonna be at Song Mart
next Tuesday.

And we've got a new song we think
is good enough for a record album.

Uh-huh.
And we wondered

if you'd have a chance to come down--
The Record Album?

No, no, no, no.
At The Record Album?

It's not called The Record Album.
It's called The Song Mart, sir.

It's basically a try-out place
for new material.

[MUSIC]

[SlNGlNG]

[SlNGlNG '' DANGEROUS BUSlNESS'']

ANNOUNCER: Okay, okay, okay,
that wraps up another audition night
at The Song Mart.

A great bunch tonight.
Good luck, kids.

Well, uh, what did you think,
Mr. Freed?

As an agent?
Yeah.

Let me tell you
what l told Tony Bennett.

Sing songs people already know.
That way, if they don't like it, they'll
still have something to applaud.

But we're not singers.
No, we're songwriters.

So? The Beach Boys
weren't songwriters?

Anthony Newley
isn't a songwriter?

l mean, if you wanna sell songs
today, you gotta have an act
with jokes, patter, segues.

Otherwise, frankly...

you're old, you're white
and you got no shtick.

You got no gimmicks.

ANNOUNCER: Auditioning tonight
at The Ad Lib for the first time,
please welcome Rogers & Clark e.

['' LlTTLE DARLlN''' PLAYS]

l don't understand
what we did wrong.

Nothing, although l think
it'd be a good idea to change
your routine if they boo.

Otherwise, l'm very encouraged.

We don't have another routine
to change to.

The thing is, Marty, we've been
living off our savings while
we've been working on our act.

But we're down to nothing now.
Really?

l got good news for you.
What?

l think l can get you a booking.

For money?
Absolutely.

Where?
Honduras.

The hotel where the American
journalists stay in Honduras.

Taxi! The last act left
because they got nervous
about the death squads.

But there's no danger
if you don't drive
in the countryside.

How much?
Hundred and fifty lempiras a week.

That's $7 5 in American money.
That includes room and board.

That's only $37.50 a week
for each of us.

Hey, that's right.

You got a good head
for figures.

But, Marty--
Taxi!

Wait a minute, Marty.

l also can get you 1 0 weeks
in Morocco at 950 dirham a week.

That's $95 in American money.

Unfortunately, l can only get
you airfare from the Canary lslands.

Uh...

l'll call you about it in the morning.

Me too.

Want me to drive you anywhere?

No, thanks. l'm gonna
walk around for a while.

l want to do some thinking.
Me too.

Well, don't think too long.

A lot of acts would kill
for a booking in North Africa.

Lyle, do you mind?
l kind of wanna be alone to think.

[HUMMlNG]

[DOOR OPENS]

Lyle!
ls it all right?

lt's the only bar
in the neighbourhood
that's open.

Just pretend like l'm not here.

[MUSlC PLAYS]

What can l get you?

Give me a bourbon
and a water, straight up.

Make that two.
Don't drink bourbon.

You'll fall flat on your face.

Give him a beer.

l'll have a beer.

[FRANK SlNATRA'S
''ONE FOR MY BABY'' PLAYS]

[SlNGlNG]

You guys know each other?

Yeah, we, uh...
We got a-- Or...

We had an act together.
No kidding? Would l have seen it?

No. We've only known
each other about five months.

Before that, we were just guys...

with, uh, jobs.

And we wanted to be songwriters.

[BELL RlNGlNG]

[LYLE SlNGlNG]

CHlLD 1 : Hey, ice-cream truck! Stop!
CHlLD 2: Over here!

CHlLD 3:
Stop being so stupid! Stop!

[SlNGlNG]

[SlGHS]

What's the matter, honey?

[SlNGlNG ''THAT'S AMORE'']

[PlANO PLAYlNG]

l feel like this is a very special part
of the evening.

A couple of years ago,
there was a very young
grey-haired couple here

celebrating their 51 st
wedding anniversary.
And last year, they came back--

[BUMPS]

Sorry.
for their 52nd wedding anniversary.

And l told them that if they came
back here the following year,

l'd have a song written for them.
And they're back.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos

celebrating this evening
their 53rd wedding anniversary.

MAN: Hear, hear!
WOMAN: How wonderful!

SlNGlNG:
I promised I'd love you forever

A promise I'm planning to k eep

You'll be well tak en care of
After I've gone

Off to the land of the big sleep

I'm leaving some love in my will

Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will

My life is nearly over
And time goes by so fast

And I wanted to give you a present
To thank you for the past

[PANS CLANK]

SlNGS:
My life is nearly over

l shouldn't have played in here.
And time goes by so fast

Oh, it's so demeaning.

Asshole waiters screaming at me
like that and taking orders,
people throwing food in their faces.

l love you, Chuck.
Thanks.

And l was thinking
that if we lived together, l would
just make your life so much easier.

Life isn't that bad,
l just have a lot of pain.

Do you love me, Chuck?
Look, Carol, you're wonderful.

l mean that.
You're a wonderful woman.

l just have to make sure
that you're Miss Right. Don't you
want to make sure that l'm--

Oh, my God.

This guy says he's a songwriter
and he loved my song.

He says he wants to buy me a drink.

l'll be right back.

[PlANO PLAYlNG]

I met her and I fell--
No, no. Cut out ''and l.''

Oh, you want this one:

I met her, fell
Yes!

I loved her well
Yes!

She walk ed out, hell
Yes.

Oh, heartbreak
That's it. Do it again.

Maybe something stronger?

I met her, wham!
Yes!

I met her... Bam!
Let me try. Let me try.

[SlNGlNG]

l got it, l got it.

[SlNGS]

Shit, man, when you're on,
you're on.

[SlNGlNG]

And the way l see it, people would
rather suffer with what they have
than try the unknown.

Oh, is that true.

[SlNGlNG]

That's because most men lead lives
of quiet desperation.

Oh, is that right!

Girls call me ''The Hawk.''
lt's a long story, gang war,
shit like that.

''The Hawk''?

[SlNGlNG]

Can you give us another half-hour?

Half an hour?
Yeah.

Half an hour?
Yeah.

Half an hour like the last half-hour?

We don't get overtime for this.

Here, try this:

Half an hour, half an hour
Lik e the last half-hour

[SlNGlNG]

Where are you going? Stay.
CHUCK: We got something.

[CRYlNG]

Lyle. Lyle, listen to me.
She's not worth it.

She didn't understand
your sense of dedication.

l'm sorry, just-- lt comes over me
in waves every few minutes.

l'm sorry.
That's okay. That's all right.

Oh, l don't know what to do now.

l don't know what to do
without Willa.

We've been married
since we were 1 7.

l never even dated anybody
but Willa.

Oh, Willa.

LYLE: We were happy while
l was working in a gas station.

We had a nice little house,
a nice little garden.

l'd come home in the evening
and write songs.

Willa would-- She'd quilt and...

Then the tyre factory opened
and overnight the population
shot up about 35,000.

Lyle, can you stand up a second?
You're sitting on my tie.

So l said to Willa, l said,
'' Look, we gotta go
to New York or Nashville.

because those are
the only two places to be
if you wanna sell songs.''

That's how come
we came to New York.

Mm-hm.

What a smuck l was.

Schmuck.

lt's not ''smuck,'' it's schmuck.

Smuck.
Schmuck.

Smuck.

Say ''sh.''
Sh.

Now say ''muck.''
Muck.

Now say ''sh'' and ''muck''
together real fast.

Smuck.

Closer.
You really know the lingo.

[LOUD MUSlC PLAYlNG]

This is my friend Lyle Rogers.
And you are?

Dorothy.

And this is my friend Siri Darma.

Lyle, why don't you sneak
in here and talk to Siri.

Siri, be careful of this guy.
He's got a lot of quick moves.

[CHUCK AND DOROTHY LAUGHlNG]

Don't look at me that way.
You are so fucking beautiful.

You are so beautiful.
Don't kid me!

You probably had every guy in
the world telling you you're beautiful
ever since the day you were born.

You are so crazy, Hawk.
Crazy?

l wanna kiss every inch of you,
get in a clinch with you.

SlNGS:
Break off a pinch of you

LYLE:
You didn't have to leave with me.
Now l spoiled the night for you.

You gotta give yourself a break.
You've never been out
with anyone but your wife.

Yeah, but you gotta have
the looks, Chuck.

l mean, you walk into a place
like that and girls just want you.

You know, you got that kind
of face. Kind of mean-looking,
but with character.

And the way you walk, you can only
do that with a small body.

Did you ever hear of
a big sports car? l mean,
if l looked like you--

Oh, you have so idealised me.

l won't stand for it.
l just can't walk out on him.

He cries every 1 0 minutes, Carol.
He's like an orphan.

What are you doing?
l'm leaving you.

What are you talking about?
l don't want to see you again ever.

Carol.
What do you care?

lf you never see me again,

it'll only be one time less a week
than you see me now.

Oh, Carol.
Your life is a joke.

[KEYBOARD PLAYS, SlNGS]

[PHONE RlNGS]

Willa? Willa?
CHUCK: Hello, Lyle.

l'm outside on the ledge
of my apartment.

What?
I've been fooling you, Lyle,

and I've been fooling myself.

l don't have any talent.
l don't have any money.

l'll never find Miss Right
and Carol left me.

Lyle, I can't mak e anything work.

Everything l told you is fake.
lt's all make-believe.

I'm a total failure.
Don't move, l'll be right over.

Listen, don't call the police.

lf this gets into the newspapers,
the scandal will ruin me
in show business.

You got it!
I mean it.

l won't call the police.

Lyle!
l won't call the police.

[SlNGlNG]

[SlREN APPROACHlNG]

[KNOCKlNG]

MAN:
Mr. Clarke? Take it easy.

CHUCK: Damn it!
MAN: Take it easy, take it easy.

How you doing, Mr. Clarke?
Come on in, Mr. Clarke.
Make your phone call in here.

Oh, no!

Hey! Get over here!
LYLE: Shoot me!

Don't you think Daddy doesn't
feel blue and l don't feel blue
sometimes?

But l know that
tomorrow is another day.

And the sun will come out
tomorrow.

[SlNGS ''TOMORROW'']

[DOOR BANGS OPEN]

MAN:
Hold it, pal. Who are you?

LYLE:
Lyle Rogers. l'm his best friend.

MAN: Mr. Rogers, have you
any idea how lucky this boy is?

He didn't want to live
with us in Queens.

Come on, don't turn away
from Mama. Come on.

MAN:
There's another one! Look!

Whoa.

OFFlCER: Give me your hand.
LYLE: Hold on, Hawk. l'm coming.

Don't come any closer, Lyle.
And don't call me Hawk.

l told you not to tell anyone.

l know, but l was scared
l couldn't get here on time.

Don't be mad at me, Chuck.
Charles, it's Rabbi Pierce.

Oh, my God, Rabbi Pierce is here.
Charles, you remember Rabbi Pierce.

Chuck, l know how bad you feel,
but there's people in this world
worse off than you.

Poor people. Uh, sick people.

People who haven't got anybody
to go out on a ledge for them.

[MUSIC]

Come on, give me your hand.

Come on, Chuck.

Take a little step here.

Take a step.

Take a couple steppies.
Come on.

A couple little steppies. Attaboy.

Okay.

Okay.
All right.

Lyle.
Yeah?

MAN 1 : Easy!
MAN 2: No!

Lyle,
Uh-huh.

are you disappointed in me?
No.

No, l mean because
l'm not the kind of guy
that you thought l was.

You are the kind of guy
l thought you were.

l'm not, Lyle.

l lived with my parents
till l was 32.

l've just dribbled my life away.

Hey, it takes a lot of nerve
to have nothing at your age.

Don't you understand that?

Yeah, most guys would be ashamed,
but you've got the guts to just say,
''The hell with it.''

You say that you'd rather have
nothing than settle for less.
Understand?

l've never thought of it that way.
Yes.

Oh, Lyle.

[FRANK SlNATRA'S
''ONE FOR MY BABY'' PLAYlNG]

[HUMMlNG]

Lyle, what do you say
we get this show on the road?

Honduras?
Morocco. lt's safer.

[MUSIC]

Professor. Professor Barnes!

BARNES: Are you absolutely certain
that this is a map of lshtar?

l'm positive.

l am proficient in 7th-century Kufic.
This map is incredible.

lt speaks of a time of upheaval
when two messengers
will appear in lshtar.

And through them,
the poor and lonely will rise up,

and the mighty will be humbled.

lt's uncanny, isn't it? lt speaks
of two messengers. And now we two
have found it just as it foretold.

Oh, don't be a fool.
Please!

We are not two messengers.

We're two archaeologists
who found a map which,
if it is authenticated,

could start a holy war
that would enflame
the entire Middle East.

lshtar is on the brink
of revolution now.

[CLANKS]

WHlSPERS:
There's someone
outside the tent.

[CAMEL GROANlNG]

Take it.

Hide it.

[GUNS SHOOTlNG]

[MUSIC]

l have hidden it, Shirra.
l can't tell you where
over the phone.

I will meet you.
When?

Omar?

Wait.

Omar?

Omar?

You will not find it.

Now no one will find it...

except the two messengers
of God.

[LYLE AND CHUCK SlNGlNG]

Great!
Hello, Morocco, more than a country

You're even a state of mind
l need a pencil.

WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
all passengers holding tick ets
for Morocco,

please consult your Air Canary agent
inside the terminal.

We are about to begin
the descent into lshtar.

[MUSIC]

Coming here is gonna
change our lives, you know?

Excuse me, l'm an American.
Just let me ask you one question.

l'll find an Air Canary agent.
You watch the luggage.

Okay, see if you can
get some coffee. Ask how much
it is before you pay for it!

All right.

[SlNGlNG]

[HUMS]

ANNOUNCER: Attention.
A military curfew is in effect
throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the streets after dark
are subject to search and arrest.

Please help me.

Look, l'm with someone.
She's in the, uh, bathroom.

l beg you. l'm in desperate need.
Oh, look, l'm...

Really, l'm very flattered,
but l'm straight.

l'm not proud of it
and l'm not ashamed of it.

l mean, l respect your way of life,
but, shh-shh-shh, it just isn't mine.

That doesn't mean that mine
is any better or any worse--

Look at what you have.
l am a woman.

Yes.
l beg you to do me a favour.

You look like a man
who's not afraid of adventure.

Perhaps even welcomes it.
Your life is in danger, right?

Yes. How did you know?
l am a dead woman if l'm recognised.

And l must get to Marrakech today.
You want my passport, right?

Yes. And your jacket.
And the contents of your suitcase
in exchange for mine.

lt means my life.
You see...

the thing is, l gotta be
in Marrakech by Saturday.

Today's Friday.
The American embassy will issue
another passport in a few hours.

l will meet you tonight in Marrakech.

Look, let me just check
this out with someone.

No! Above all, you must tell
no one of this. No one.

Not even your wife.
Oh, l'm not married.

What is your name?
Hawk. lt's short for The Hawk.

A little incident with a gang,
you know, a lucky shot...

The name just stuck.

The Hawk.
lt is a very bold name.
A brave name.

But perhaps this is too much to ask,
even of a man with so brave a name.

ls it?

Does The Hawk fly?

[HUMMlNG]

Chuck?

Chuck!

CHUCK:
Hi.

What'd you do, go shopping?
No, l... Oh, yeah.

No kidding. Nice jacket.
Now, see, l'd look like a truck
in that jacket.

Listen...

What?
My passport's gone.

What?
But don't get panicky.

l lost my passport. But we'll report it
to the embassy, l'll get another one
right away. lt's no big deal.

ANNOUNCER: Attention. Attention.
A military curfew is in effect...

Not on Friday and not in lshtar.
You're lucky the planes are flying.

This country's on
the brink of civil war.

No, no! This is it!
Shh. Shh.

This is the end!
Easy. Calm down, Lyle.

We're gonna lose our booking.
We're gonna be cancelled.
We're gonna be fired!

We're gonna be stuck here
in lshtar with no money, no job!

Oh, my God, what have l done?
l don't believe me!

lt was just an accident.

Lyle, you gotta go
to Marrakech without me.

Who, me?
Yeah.

You gotta do a single until l get there.
A what?!

A single.
We were hired as a team.

Yes, but now they don't have anyone.
One of us is better than nothing.

Lyle, you can do it.
Sing Simon & Garfunkel.
You're a big talent.

Please don't make me responsible
for ruining our careers.
l can't handle it.

Lyle, we're almost broke.

ANNOUNCER:
All persons on the streets after dark
are subject to search and arrest.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKlNG
lN FORElGN LANGU AGE]

How much is it?
Twenty hundred klimsas.

Twenty hundred?
Yeah.

How can it be 20 hundred--?
Twenty hundred klimsas!

Okay, that's 1 500, right?
l won't have enough.
1 550, 60, 7 0, 80, 90...

Sixteen hundred. 1 61 0, 20--
Welcome, sir!

That's all right.
l'll take my own bag.

Please let me get my own bag!
No problem.

How about the tip?
l don't have it.

Please let me get my own bag! Please,
can l get my own bag, because l--
Oh, God! What have l done?

[YELLlNG lN DlSTANCE]

Hi.
Yeah.

How are you doing?
l'm Jim Harrison.

l heard there was
another American in the hotel,
l thought l'd buy you dinner.

l'm from New York.
Oh, me too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Great meeting you. l'm starved.

You see, Jim,
all the big record companies
want to sign us for an album.

But right now, we're just refining
our songs, you know,
so we don't get ripped off

by people like Simon & Garfunkel
and, you know, Springsteen.

So we do it in Morocco.
Then it's ours.

You know, you're the first guy
in show business l've met over here.

Do me a favour. Do me a favour.

Do an autograph for my kid.
Here. Come on.

Oh. Yeah, sure.
Just write ''To Jim.''

l really appreciate it.
Sure. My pleasure.

Jim?
Yeah.

That's a nice pen.
Keep it.

No, no, no, you...
Keep it. Go ahead.

Keep it, keep it!
You can buy me a drink
when l get to Morocco.

So, uh, what are you doing here, Jim?
l'm with the ClA.

lnteresting work?
lt's okay.

lt's a little rough right now
because the communists
are trying to instigate a coup

against the emir
and take over lshtar.

Why?
That's how it works.

Today they get lshtar,
tomorrow they get North Africa.

Why?
That's how it works.

Every once in a while,
an American comes over,

and we ask him to keep
his eyes and ears open for us
and we pay him a little something.

You'd be surprised
how many harmless conversations

are really the first step
toward recruiting agents
for left-wing organizations.

A guy comes up to you
and he starts talking about
the poverty, the injustice in lshtar.

And there is poverty
and injustice in lshtar.

Of course.

He could be sincere, he could be
saying exactly what he means,

Sure.
or he could be feeling you out.

That's right. That's right.
Right.

To see if he can dupe you into
becoming an agent for
a so-called '' people's movement.''

So when you say that you pay them
a little something?

$1 50 a week.
lt's not much,

but you can't really put
a price on democracy.

No.
No.

Although $1 50 a week is a start.

And now, from the team
of Rogers & Clarke,

Rogers!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

l'd like to sing a few songs tonight
from the Simon & Garfunkel
songbook.

Hey, l'm glad you like them too.

So you just call out your favourite
Simon & Garfunkel songs.

MAN 1 : '' Fascination.''
MAN 2: ''That Old Black Magic.''

''That's Amore.''

''The Yellow Rose of Texas.''
WOMAN 1 : '' Memories.''

MAN 3: ''Y.M.C.A.''
MAN 4: ''Stand By Your Man.''

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much. Now, see
if you remember this one.

[SlNGS '' BRlDGE
OVER TROUBLED WATER'']

MAN 5:
''As Time Goes By.''

MAN 6: ''A Barrel of Money.''
MAN 7: This guy keeps on playing.

WOMAN 3: What about ''That's Amore''?
Yeah!

WOMAN 4: ''That's Amore.''
MAN: Yeah, come on!

[SlNGS ''THAT'S AMORE'']

[SlNGS ''STRANGERS
lN THE NlGHT'']

[SlNGS ''THERE'S NO BUSlNESS
LlKE SHOW BUSlNESS'']

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lyle Rogers! Thank you,
l'm Chuck Clarke!

How did you get here?
lt's not Monday.

l met this guy in lshtar
who had pull at the embassy.

Lyle, listen to that hand!
We're a hit!

[CHEERlNG]

l am Ahmad bin Ali. l'm the caid
of Assari. lt was l that called out
''The Yellow Rose of Texas.''

Perhaps you would
care to entertain
at my worthless palace.

l just loved you.
Thank you, thank you.

l bet we could have
any woman in this club.

Not me. Women don't like me.

Maybe l'll just go to sleep now,
l don't know.

Yeah, why don't you
get some sleep.

l think l'm gonna drive around
for a while, try to come down
off this high.

Tomorrow night,
we'll sing our songs.

[SlNGS '' DANGEROUS BUSlNESS'']

[MUSIC]

[ENGlNE STARTS]

Hold it, buddy!

All right, pal.
What do you think
you're doing?

What is that?
What have you got?

You're the guy
who stole Chuck's passport.

l found it.

And when l asked around,
l was told the owner was staying here.

Oh, what do you think
l am, boy? A fool?

Don't try it, don't try it!
l'll kill you in a fight.

Boy, you're soft, pal.
You are soft.

l'm telling the truth.

You think l'm a big, dumb
hick American, don't you?

Now l'm gonna turn you over
to the police, boy!

They'll put me in jail.
My family will starve.

Eh, don't hand me that crap.
l don't believe a word of it--

[MOANS]

Oh, my God.

Get away from me, boy.
Get away. Stay back. Stay back!

l'm warning you.

Now, l didn't hit you hard because
l'm bigger than you are,
but don't try it again.

How old are you, 1 5?
What, you're voice is still changing.
You're just a kid.

What kind of life is this, breaking
into hotel rooms, robbing people,
kissing guys on the mouth?

Don't you think you ought to
be trying something younger?

Yes, but poverty has made me old.

l don't have a lot of cash,
but why don't you take this.

And buy yourself
something that's fun.

Get yourself a nice kite
or a fishing pole.

Did your daddy ever take you fishing?
My father is dead.

l have no one to protect me.

That's tough for a boy,
not having a father.

Here, get up.
Listen to me.

Your roommate is a ClA agent.
The room may be wired.

He gave me his passport in lshtar.
Are these breasts?

Listen to me.
You have seen lshtar,
you have seen the poverty.

The injustice, the death squads.

These are the things the ClA supports
by keeping Emir Yousef in power.

For God's sake!

Forget my body.

l am begging you to give me
the chance to overthrow a tyrant.

[MUSIC]

Please.

You are kind.

The privation and torture
of thousands can end

if you will return the contents
of my suitcase to me.

Where are they?
ln there.

l gave them to your roommate
when we exchanged jackets.

No, no, no, you got that all wrong.
Chuck bought that jacket.
And he lost his passport.

And he's not a ClA agent,
he's a songwriter.

Yes, then why am l wearing
his jacket? Look at it, it is his jacket.

Where did l get his passport?
How did he get to Morocco
in only 24 hours?

Why is he accepting money
from the ClA?

Boy, you got a lot of tricks,
don't you?

First you're a guy and
you got Chuck's passport.

Then you're a girl
and you got his jacket.

[WHlSTLlNG]

That is a warning. l beg you,
say nothing of this visit.

lt means my life.

lf you decide l'm telling the truth,
go to the camel market
in Shali Benimal.

Shali Benimal.

And find Mohamad
Mohamad.

and tell him that
you wish to buy a blind camel.

A blind camel.
He will contact me.

Contact you?

The dome of the emir's palace
in lshtar is gold.

The people have never seen
a refrigerator.

[MUSIC]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Shali Benimal. Ask for Mohamad.
Tell him l wanna buy a blind camel.

A blind camel.

Good evening, sir.

[BUZZES]

l'm sorry. l turned left
on Mucckamal Haifa Boulevard.

Ah, it's only been an hour,
it's all right.

Oh, l'm sorry.

Tens, fives, ones.
As you requested.

l feel a little funny not telling
Lyle about this. Know what l mean?

Where do l say
l got the money from?

Don't tell him about the money.
Oh, see, no.

l would never hold out on Lyle.

You're holding out on him now.
You didn't tell him you were
coming to this meeting.

You told him you were
going for a drive.

Well, yeah, that's because...

How do you know what l told him?
The pen.

What, this pen?
lt's a microphone.

You bugged me?
Yeah.

l had to check. We had to make sure
you didn't know what was involved

when you helped
Shirra Assel escape.

Shirra? Assel?

Chuck, Shirra Assel arrived
in Marrakech last night
using your passport.

Please, don't deny it.

Miss Assel is a left-wing agent.

Her brother was killed three
days ago when he found a map

that could destabilise
the entire Middle East. lt could
certainly cost us lshtar.

And we can't afford that, Chuck,
especially since Morocco
signed a pact with Gaddafi.

ls that near here?

Gaddafi's a person.
He rules Libya.

Oh, yeah.

But that's near here,
isn't it?

Libya?

Yeah, Libya's near here. Yeah.

Every intelligence agency
that has ties to the Middle East
is interested in this map.

We strongly believe Shirra Assel has it,
Mm-hm.

and we've got to find her
quickly before they do.

Here's the thing, Jim.
l don't know where she is.

l believe you, Chuck,
l believe you. But we think
that your roommate does.

Lyle? Rogers?
Yes.

We have reason to believe
that Lyle Rogers is a left-wing agent.

Oh, Jim, get off this road.
You're heading straight
for wa-wa land.

[WHlSTLES]

Chuck, while l was
waiting for you here,

Shirra Assel was spotted
leaving your hotel room.

When she left, her clothes
were torn, her shirt was out,
she was breathing heavily.

We feel fairly certain that
there was a sexual encounter
between Shirra Assel and Lyle

and that Lyle was recruited
as a left-wing agent when they, uh...

Oh, don't be silly.
Lyle's not a communist.
He's from the South.

And l don't think
she's that kind of girl.

She's a suspected terrorist.

Granted. But that doesn't mean
she sleeps around.

And how come you don't know
what happened in that hotel room?

Why didn't you bug it?
We couldn't.

Why?
Who booked you in there, anyway?

Our hotel?
Yeah.

Marty Freed, our agent.

[BEEPS]

Marty Freed, independent agent.

What do you know about him?

What do you know
about Mr. Freed?

Here's the money.
l don't think l wanna do this.

You just think it over,
you decide what
you want to tell me.

Here's a beeper. You can get
in touch with me just by using that.
That's solid silver.

Well, l'm not gonna be using--

Solid silver?

[MUSIC]

[KEYS JlNGLlNG]

[ROOSTER CRYlNG]

[MUSlC PLAYlNG lN DlSTANCE]

LYLE: l go to the camel market
in Shali Benimal, l ask Mohamad and
l tell him l wanna buy a blind camel.

He will contact her.

l go to the camel market in Shali
Benimal. Ask for Mohamad and tell
him l wanna buy a blind camel.

He'll contact her.

[TYRES SCREECH, CARS CRASH]

[TYRES SCREECH, CAR CRASHES]

Hi.
Hi.

l was--

l was wondering
who lived here.

You ever wonder that about
old houses? Who lives in them?

l was just coming back to get you.
Oh, l just ran out to get you.

l was going for a walk.

l thought you wanted to take the car
because the keys were gone.

Well, let's, uh...

Let's walk.

CHUCK: lt's funny, isn't it?
You never appreciate your
own country until you leave it.

Where'd you go?
Just looking.

l'm talking to you.
l hear you.

You know that in Russia
communists can't
go into business?

Did you know that in lshtar
the dome of the emir's palace
is gold?

And the people have never
seen a refridgerator?

Did you know that Gaddafi
has signed a pact with Morocco?

l can't believe these men
may control the fate
of the Middle East.

And I'll tell you another thing.

Spices for the mind?
No.

Kif? Hashish?
Hashish?

Good stuff, yes.
No, thank you.

Need a guide? l'm Abdul.
Whatever you think it's worth.

No, thanks.
I have a sister in the United States.

You know Philadelphia?
We're turning here.

WOMAN: You need a guide?
Whatever you think it's worth.

This is the old city.
Don't look at the shopkeepers!

Don't advise us.
We don't want to be advised.
We're not paying you, okay?

My uncle sells rugs
in the next souk.
l can get you a price.

Don't hustle us.
l'm from New York.
l'm in show business.

The KGB is here.
l recognise two agents.

The ones dressed as Texans?
No.

The ones dressed as Arabs.
The ones dressed as Texans
are Arab agents.

[SPEAKlNG lN RUSSlAN]

l also recognise two guys
from Turkish intelligence.

ln the Hawaiian shirts?
No. The Bermuda shorts.

The ones in the Hawaiian shirts
are tourists.

lt's too bad you don't
have a girl. These would
make such nice presents.

Who you gonna give yours to?
My mother.

25 dirham more.

Too bad you can't
afford something better
for your mother.

You ought to try
socking some money away.

Behave normally.
We have guns pointed
at your back.

No, don't put your
hands up, you idiot!

Walk out casually
talking to us. Come on.

Red-Fez-Alert.
Birds are being netted.
Hunters unknown.

Repeat. hunters unknown.

[MUSIC]

MAN: Where are you from?
Um, Ponder, Texas.

Oh, l'm from near there.
You know Vermont?

You all right?

[GUNS SHOOTlNG]

Come on!

Excuse me.
We're coming through!

He's not hiring you!

You get us out of here alive,
you'll get double your price.

Whatever you think it's worth.

[SPEAKlNG lN ARABlC]

Oh, my God!

ABDUL: This is the shop
of my uncle, the rug dealer.

Let's go.

[SPEAKlNG lN ARABlC]

Come, my friends.
Quickly, this way.

When they find out
you are not in rugs,
they may come back.

Go! Quickly! Go, go!

Abdul, hold my legs!

My car is parked
at the other end
of the medina.

Come on, come on, hurry!

CHUCK:
Where are we going?

The camel market,
Shali Benimal!

ANNOUNCER:
Attention. A military curfew
is in effect throughout Ishtar.

All persons on the street after dark
are subject to search and arrest.

Jim Harrison.
Ah, Your Excellency.

My old friend.
Good to see you.

How nice to see you.
Good to see you.

Mint tea?
No, thanks.

Kahwa?
No, thanks.

Pepsi-Cola?
No.

Thanks for your
overwhelming hospitality.

Please be seated.

l've got a helicopter waiting.
May l speak briskly?

Oh, please.

A little while ago, your men tried
to kill two Americans in Marrakech.

What? l am shocked
and saddened. Who were they?

They were your men.
They were using the
Kalashnikov rifles we sold you.

No, no, l mean,
who were the Americans?

Oh, Your Excellency,
must we go through this?

These men are pawns.
Their only use is as a link
to Shirra Assel and the map.

Jim, l know nothing
of any of this.

However, when two Americans
on their way to Marrakech
arrive in lshtar by way of Air Canary

and within minutes, make contact
with the most hunted fugitive
in the country

and give her a passport,
l would hardly call them pawns.

They're pawns.

Soon, their escape
will be called a miracle!

Next, they will be hailed
as the two messenger of God.

Your Excellency--
You do not understand.

Please, be seated.

What you are dealing with here,
these are fanatical devout Shiites

for whom this map is a sign
to rise up against me.

Your Excellency.

May l speak?
Please.

Your Excellency, what good
will it do if we neutralise
these two Americans?

The map will still exist.
Yes, but they won't.

l see.

Once the people see that God
does not work miracles
for those who oppose me,

but that they are executed
as ordinary political prisoners--

No. lf two Americans die,
it has to be unofficially.

Congress will have a fit
if they find out
there's another ClA hit list.

How they die is unimportant,
as long as their bodies
do not disappear.

l want no more rumours.
And it has to be done
by next weekend.

l am planning to meet
with Gaddafi on Wednesday.
He calls me every day.

The United States government
will not be blackmailed.

However, l see no difficulty
in meeting your timetable.

[MUSIC]

ABDUL: Here we are.
Camel market. Shali Benimal.

l'll be back in a while.
Oh, right, l'll be here.

ABDUL:
Where are you going?

l wanna keep an eye on him,
make sure he doesn't get into trouble.

[CAMELS GROANlNG]

Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sorry, l can't talk that accent.
ls this a hotel?

Uh, Mohamad?
l am Mohamad.

You're kidding? You're Mohamad?
First time up, l hit a home run.

l wanna buy a blind camel.

[SPEAKlNG lN ARABlC]

l'm American. Do you speak English?

English?
English?

l am speaking English.
You tell me, l tell him.

Thank you. Would you tell him
l want to buy a blind camel?

A blind camel.

He will find you a blind camel.

He also knows of a camel
which has a crippled leg
and no teeth.

He will sell you both
for a special price.

Would you like a dead camel?

No, no. Just tell him
l wanna buy a blind camel.

He'll know what l mean.

[DOOR OPENS]

So your friend told you
about Mohamad. And you,
no doubt, told the ClA.

That's what l thought
might happen.

l've been looking for you.
Why? ls your life in danger again?

What do you need this time,
a donor heart?

l want the contents of my suitcase.
Sure. Here.

lt's in my room at the Chez
Casablanca. Help yourself.

Don't play with me.
l'm not such a fool!

Half an hour after you left this
morning, l broke into your room
and l stole the suitcase.

The map was not in it.
Oh, is that where the map was?

Gave it to Jim Harrison,
didn't you? ClA has it?

No, l didn't tell them
about the suitcase.

You're lying. You went through
the suitcase, you found the map!

You found the map!
You gave it to Jim Harrison!

Hey, shoot me or lower your voice
and stop throwing Jim Harrison
up to me.

The only reason Jim Harrison
hired me was because you
recruited Lyle as a communist.

l gave you my passport.
l carried all your stuff out of lshtar.

Why didn't you recruit me
as a communist?
Wasn't l good enough?

l don't know
what you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, forget it.
What's done is done.

Lyle is your communist,
so go bother him.
l don't care anymore.

Can you be telling the truth?

Hey, you have a right
to pick who you want.

lt's a free country.
No thanks to you and Lyle.

My God. Oh, my God.

You are telling the truth.
Listen to me.

Hey, don't sit on the bed.
lt's too late for that now.

The things in that suitcase,
they came from my brother's room.

l packed them the night
he was killed.

He called me on the phone.

When l got to his room,
he was dead. Poor Omar.

He was smiling.

l knew he was smiling

because he had hidden the map
where no one could find it.

He was smiling at me.

lt was our last secret.

l knew from what he said
on the phone that he had hidden
the map somewhere in his things.

l grabbed them all,
l put them in his suitcase
and l put on his clothes

so l would look like a boy,
and l ran.

l was hunted almost
from the start.

l never even had a chance
to look through the things
l had packed.

When l met you at the airport,
you were my last hope.

Oh, gee, l wish there was
something l could do.

There is. Please tell no one
l don't have the map.

lt means my life.
That means your life too?

l am a member of the party
that opposes the emir.

lt means the life
of anyone in lshtar.

Without the map,
l'll be killed on sight.

No kidding?
Does the ClA know this?

Hawk...

this is an ancient, devious world,

and you come from a young country.

Promise me you will keep my secret
without trying to understand it?

Sure. lf it means your life.

Perhaps...

Maybe one day we will meet again.

One day? Are you kidding?
lt'll be every day.

lt's only the beginning.
You're a true American.

l knew you were a nice girl.

Chuck? Hi.

l bought a few things.
A hand-dyed Tuareg gown here.

This is a keffiyeh, and
here is a red scarf l got
for practically nothing.

What are you doing with a camel?
Oh, that's a long story.

lt's another--
One of the things l bought.

What do you mean?
Huh? Well...

You bought a camel?
Well, yeah--

Well, no, l didn't actually buy him,
they sold him to me.

Huh?

Come on, buddy.
Easy, boy. Easy, boy.

What the hell's
the matter with him?
ls he blind?

Well, yeah, he is.
But he's in perfect condition.

They used him for drawing
well water up a track.

Lyle, are you crazy?

l not supposed to have him
permanently, l don't think. lt's just--
l think it's a kind of a sign.

Lyle, get rid of the camel,
let's get you out of the sun.

Well, the sun can't hurt me,
l got my keffiyeh.

Oh, God. l got a feeling
something went wrong
and now l own a blind camel.

Uh, Lyle.
l own a blind camel.

Lyle, put this over your face.
Keep your head down.

[CAMEL GROANlNG]

Keep walking and don't talk loud.
Why? What's the matter?

[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

What are they doing here?
l think they're looking for us.

l think you're right.
Give me that scarf.

Okay.

Take it behind the hump
and put it on.

Hold her steady.

l can't hold her too tight
because it hurts her tooth.

Loosen the rope.
Don't let her scream.

You all right?

Are you all right?
Yeah, fine.

Here, take this gown and take it
behind that building there
and put it on.

The guy that sold you that camel
has probably described you
down to your socks.

Give me the rope.

[CAMEL GROANS LOUDLY]

You gotta hold it down.
He doesn't like it when you
hold it up. He's got a bad tooth.

Will you go?

How much for the camel?
Jim!

Keep your voice down.
Point at the camel as we speak.

How did you find us?
The beeper.

You mean this is a bug too?
Only at close range.

We use it basically to track with.

The men in straw hats
are members
of Emir Yousef's army.

They're trying to kill you.
l thought Emir Yousef was our guy.

He is. He is.

But he doesn't like the idea
of your friend dealing
with a known communist.

[CAMEL GROANS LOUDLY]

Don't touch his mouth.
One of his teeth is bad.

l'd like to go over
the Shirra Assel
situation with you.

As one agent to another,
l've heard the emir is a prick.

Really? Well, we'll have
to look into that.

But the main thing is
to get you out of town
before you're recognised.

Do you know anything
about the desert?

Yeah. That's where Las Vegas is.
Cute, huh?

That is cute, yeah.
''That's where Las Vegas is.''

That's a good one.
l'll have to remember that.
lt's a good one.

You can stop pointing now.
Oh.

Stand up.

There's two canteens
and a compass in here.

Two canteens, compass.

You and Lyle walk out of town,
walk southeast.

Southeast.

ln a couple of hours,
you'll run into the Harridan oasis.

Harridan oasis.

How do we know--?
You'll know it. You can't miss it.

We'll pick you up there.
Move the camel.
Move the camel!

The camel. Move the camel.
Move the camel. Where?

Anywhere. He's on my foot.

Sorry.

What the hell's the matter
with that camel?

ls he blind?
Yeah.

Jim, l'd like to go over these
directions with you once more
before Lyle comes back.

SHlRRA: He promised
he would say nothing.
He gave me his word.

And 20 minutes later,
Jim Harrison appears here.

Shirra, we have no choice.

lt is a pity you told him
we don't have the map,
but you did.

lf he talks, we'll all be dead
by tomorrow. And our families.

God help me.

Shirra, do you dare risk
all our lives for them?

No.
lt is terrible

to send two men
into the desert to die.

No, it is better to kill two men
than two hundred.

But it is much harder.

SHlRRA:
Do not turn around. Take those.

Give me the cloth.
l'll wrap it around your head
as we speak.

Your life is in danger.

Take your friend
and start walking
into the desert.

Drop the beads as you go.
When you cannot see
the town anymore, stop.

Wait until night,
and then follow the beads back.

They are golamine beads.
They glow in the dark.

Could l have a map instead?
There is no map of the desert.

Everyone uses golamine beads.

How do you know
they'll stay there?
What about birds?

The birds in the desert
eat only flesh.
And there is no wind.

Will you still be here
when we get back?

Yes, l will be here.
Go quickly, now.

l think about you
all the time.

Sometimes l imagine you
dressed like a girl.

We're walking along...
We'll talk about it tonight. Go now.

lt is done.

[CAMEL GROANlNG]

CHUCK: Why are you dropping beads?
LYLE: Huh?

CHUCK:
How come you're dropping beads?

Your necklace is too heavy?

LYLE: No, l'm making a trail.
That's what they do
when they come out here.

They drop these beads,
and then, when it gets dark,
they shine.

And they can follow them
all the way back to town.

What if they want to just go forward?

Oh, well, then the beads don't help.
Oh.

So l guess it's a good idea
that l bought a compass.

You bought a compass?
Yeah.

When?
When l got the canteens.

You bought canteens?
Yeah.

Take one sip at a time.
That water has to last you
about another 48 minutes.

Why? What happens in 48 minutes?
We run out of water.

No, seriously, though,
l hear there's an oasis

about an hour and a half
outside of Shali Benimal.

l don't think it's smart
to keep walking out here
in the desert.

We'll be there in a minute.
lf you're tired, ride the camel.

Ride it? How do l get up on it?

Here, l'll give you a boost.

[CHUCK YELLS]

CHUCK:
This way, boy! This way, boy!

This way, boy! This way!

[BEEPlNG]

AGENT:
How long before they're inoperative?

JlM: Well, they're going southeast,
so the sun's gonna get stronger.

By tonight, they'll be out of water,
miles from the well.

Tomorrow morning,
they should stop moving.

And by tomorrow afternoon,
they, uh, should be dead.

That's a funny pattern.
Are they drunk?

No. The camel's blind.

You're kidding?
No.

CHUCK: You okay?
LYLE: Yeah.

You comfortable?
Yeah.

Okay?
Yeah.

CHUCK: l can't understand.
We should've hit that oasis
seven minutes ago.

LYLE: l can't even see
the town anymore.

No, we can't stop now.
We're gonna hit it any minute.

Come on, now. Come on.

We'll be there in minutes.
No, no, l really gotta stop.

Want some water?
Let me give you a little water.

Wait, wait.
What's the matter?

lt's--
What's the matter?

lt's hot today.

Chuck! Chuck!

Chuck!

What happened?

Hold on, Hawk!
Hold on!
l'm coming.

[BlRD SHRlEKlNG]

Oh, no! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

Chuck! Chuck, get up!

No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
Not dead. Just resting!

Shoo! Shoo!

Bad bird! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Hold on, Hawk.

Hold on, l'm coming.
l'm coming.

Oh, no.

Hawk, hold on, l'm coming.

[WATER SLOSHES]

Are you crazy? l'm moving.

Hawk.

Just wait a minute.
Just drink a little bit of this.

Don't spill it, Hawk.
Don't spill it. That's it.

All right.
ls this--? ls this the oasis?

Does this look like an oasis to you?
Yeah, look at the birds.

Are those vultures?
Yeah. You fainted.

They thought you were dead.
You mean they're here on spec?

Yeah.

l think it's very important not to
let yourself get too run down
when you come out here.

We just can't afford to walk
around looking for an oasis.
Do you understand?

l don't understand it.
lt was just an hour and a half
outside of Shali Benimal.

You can't miss it.
Who told you that?

Who told you that?
l can't remember.

Well, we missed it.
Here's to my beads.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you crazy?
That's our only water.

So what? We're gonna be back
in Shali Benamali in a little while.

lt's gonna be night.
You don't need water at night.

Lyle. Lyle, are you sure it's safe
to count on a lot of beads in
the desert for a trail?

What if there's a big wind?

There is no wind in the desert.
Who told you that?

l can't remember.
Oh.

l see.

To the beads.
To the beads.

[SPEAKlNG lN ARABlC]

We will leave for lshtar
tomorrow morning,

and you are coming
with us, professor.

Hasad and l will take over
the transmitter

and we'll broadcast
as the two messengers of God

and promise the Shiites that
if they rise up, the emir will fall
as prophesied.

l see.
You will be there to verify it.

lt'll be rather difficult to do
without the map, won't it?

By the time we are asked
to produce it, lshtar will be ours.

You'll be slaughtered.

A few hundred guerrillas
and a mob of angry Shiites

against an army trained
and equipped by the Americans?

You underestimate us, professor.

We have a network
of mercenaries, tribesmen,

all starting for lshtar tonight.
Armed?

The desert is filled with dealers
in black-market arms.

They will be armed.

Well, you appear to have
thought of everything.

Except the possibility that
the two Americans will survive

and let out that
you don't have the map.

l have thought of that too.

That is why l put a price
of 20,000 dirham on their heads
this afternoon.

lf they survive the desert,
they will not survive that.

You are a murderer.
And what are you?

Or do you think a bullet is crueller
than what they face now?

lt's getting nippy.

l don't see any beads
shining, do you?

Well, it isn't dark yet.

[CAMEL GROANS]

Oh, my God!
What?

We're gonna miss our show!
Oh, no!

Oh, yes! Yes!
Oh!

Shit!
Oh, yes. Well, well, well.

That is it, isn't it? Now
we're gonna get blackballed
at the Chez Casablanca.

We're never gonna work
in Morocco again.

They're gonna call Marty,
word's gonna get out.
We will never get another booking.

What have you done?
What have l done?

You're blaming me?
Yes, l am!

On me?
On you!

You're a spy. That's how come
everybody's trying to kill us.

Oh, this is a joke. You think
those guys are after us because
they think l'm a spy, huh?

Those guys are after us because
they think that you know
where Shirra Assel's map is!

Who is Shirra Assel Smap?

Oh, come on! Don't play
sucker games with me!

You're not selling water
to some schmuck in Ponder, Texas!
This is the Hawk talking!

You think l don't know that
you spent a half-hour with
Shirra Assel in our hotel room?

Oh, is she the guy with your jacket
and your passport that
you told me you lost in lshtar?

Yeah. And l suppose
you don't know what her name is?

l don't.
And you don't know about the map?

What map?
''What map?''

The map that could lose us lshtar
and enflame the whole Middle East.

Well, that's your department.
You're the guy taking money
from the ClA.

That money is for us.
That money is for the both--

The money's for us?
Well, l don't want it!

l don't think it's right
to take money for keeping a guy
like the emir of lshtar in power.

He's a bad guy.
Oh, knock it off.

Brown-nosing the commies
won't get you my girl.

Your girl? How did
she get to be your girl?

Let me tell you something!
lf she's anybody's girl, it's
the guy you're sitting in back of!

[LAUGHlNG]

You poor putz!

Don't you have any sense of reality?
Do you really think you can get
a girl away from--?

What are you crying about?
Cry?

Was l too tough on you?

l'm not crying!
A piece of sand blew
in my eye!

Cry? You don't get it. She likes me.
She gave me the golamine beads.
She told--

[WlND HOWLlNG]

A piece of sand blew in my eye?
What does this mean?

This must be one of them
once-in-a-lifetime things,
like a glacier's melting.

Oh!
Whoa!

[MUSIC]

[CHUCK AND LYLE YELLlNG]

[SNORlNG]

LYLE:
Easy, fella. Easy. Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!
CHUCK: Camel!

Oh, this son of a bitch!
Now he's tired.

My hips are locked.

Don't do that. Hey.
Huh?

Don't wipe your face with that.
The dye's coming off on your skin.

Who's gonna see me?
That's not the point.

Dye is carcinogenic.
You're right.

WHlSPERS: Lyle.
lt's gonna be a scorcher.

Lyle, Lyle. Look. Look.

[MUSIC]

Get down.

Could that be a mirage?

We both see it.
How could it be a mirage?

You're right.

Lyle.

Lyle, go down to that truck
and try to get us some water.

But be careful, because
they may be looking for us.

So act like an Arab.

Are you listening to me?
Uh-huh.

And whatever you do, don't talk.

How can l ask for water?
Use hand gestures. Be inventive.

You do it.
l can't. Look how l'm dressed.

Lyle, what is the big deal?
Go on, you're just gonna ask
for some water.

We lost our canteens.
Attaboy, attaboy.

[CAMELS GROANlNG]

MAN:
Hey, you!

You, on the top!

Yeah!
Are you the auctioneer?

Are you the auctioneer?
lN FORElGN ACCENT: Yes.

You understand English?

Do you understand English?
Yes.

Great. We're in business.

Two Kalashnikovs.
Right.

These babies should bring us
a pretty good price.

We start soon, huh, yes?

[CHATTERlNG]

Here's our boy.
His name is Hakir.

Thank God you're here.

Uh, listen, Hakir. These Berbers
are all from different tribes
with different dialects.

They don't understand
Arabic or each other.
We don't understand them.

l hope to God you do.
Yes.

l understand all Berber dialects.

Oh, very good.

Now, we pay you 200 dirham
for the job. 1 00 now
and 1 00 later.

[BABBLlNG]

Hakir.

[SPEAKS lN ARABlC]

This is not Arabic.
Oh.

l speak no Arabic.
l am a Berber
from the north of here.

Early on, l was sent by my tribe
to trade with other tribes
the delft of our hills.

There, l learned
from each tribe his dialect.

And where did you learn English?
We had much delft.

Even as you come here to trade,
my sahkaro sent me there.

You know Philadelphia?

MAN:
All right, go on, then.

Hakir, we want you to close
your eyes and put your
hands by your side,

and tell these men
that their camels
have been stolen.

Hm?

Pardon, l don't--

With your eyes closed,
and no gestures of any kind,

tell this bunch,
on the other side of the truck,

you saw their camels
being stolen, huh?

Do it!
Surely.

What was l supposed to say again?
Do it!

[YELLlNG NONSENSE]

Oh, come on!

[REPEATS NONSENSE]

They understood something.
l don't believe it.

They understood everything.

Some say, ''Oh, my God.''
Still others say, '' But l just
saw my camel. He was fine.''

Still others say, ''What did he say?''

l'm sorry, old man, but a translator
who speaks all Berber dialect
and English but no Arabic?

l don't believe it.
This man is a fake.

Oh, no.
They don't seem to think so.

Hakir, look...

tell these wallahs that
our weapons come straight
from the Saharawi desert.

Tell them the Americans
give the lshtari new weapons,

but these are better because
they've already been tested in battle.

Keep hitting the '' used
is better than new'' idea.

Used is better than new.
Yeah. They'll buy it. Go on, sell them.

[YELLlNG NONSENSE]

Oh, they say they could
hardly believe their ears.

Do you really expect them
to swallow such nach-nach.

Still others just shrug
and question your sanity.

First the camels and then this.

Tough crew, eh?
Oh, very tough. Berbers.

[YELLlNG lN FORElGN LANGU AGE]

Now what?

They wonder when
the water will be passed.

Wonder when
the water will be passed?

Screw the water!

We're not selling water!
Start the bidding!

[YELLlNG NONSENSE]

Five? Five? Five?

Five!
l got five!

Six? l got six? l got six!

This one! Tell them
about this one!

Tell him 8,000.

Twelve thousand.

He's got it. ls that 1 2? Let him have it.

Here, here.

[BEEPlNG]

AGENT: Jim, you called it.
Hasn't moved in almost 20 minutes.

Right on schedule.

How's your foot?
Good, good. Better, thanks.

01 1 -401 , this is Circuit-breaker.

Come in, 01 1-401.

l read you, Circuit-breaker.
This is 01 1 -401 .

The expiration date
is nearly due on those packages
and the sender wants an lD.

So track them with the chopper,
and try to fly
where you won't be seen.

[BEEPlNG]

Because the Ishtari have
American choppers that they're
picking off gunrunners with,

and we don't want to be
associated with that.

l think we've hit some gunrunners.

[BEEPlNG QUlCKENS]

Something must be wrong
with the beeper.
This can't be their location.

We've been sighted.
Let them go.

Son of a bitch!
What?

lt's them!

Let's get the hell out of here!
They don't look dead to me.

Let's go.
Chopper, come here! Come here!

Oh, don't go away! No!

Shit! They didn't see us.

We didn't get any water.

Yeah, but we got these.
l bet you these babies are worth
a couple of canteens.

You want to drag these around
till we find somebody with water?

Lyle, that chopper
was looking for us.
l'll bet you anything.

The ClA knows we're lost,
because we didn't show up
at the oasis.

lf we can just stay alive
for a couple days,
they'll find us.

We can get out of here and go home.
Wouldn't that be great?

Get out of here and go home.
Yeah, l wanna go home.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKlNG lN ARABlC]

[SlRENS WAlLlNG]

[GUNS SHOOTlNG]

ANNOUNCER: Attention. Attention.
A military curfew is in effect
throughout Ishtar.

EMlR:
lt has to be official!

Your Excellency, l assure you,
the ClA is doing everything
in its power to keep you safe.

We have 25,000 American advisers.

The ClA! The ClA did
everything in its power to keep
Anwar Sadat and the shah safe.

How safe were they?

Are the two American
messengers of God dead yet?

l can check.
Yes, check.

l want to announce
their death tonight.

Your Excellency,
the announcement of the death
of these two men--

Who have made me look foolish
and strengthened the belief that
God has a hand in my overthrow...

What of them?
We would like their deaths

to appear as from natural causes.

A bullet in the desert
is not unnatural.

Especially when there
are so many gunrunners
and mercenaries about.

Jim, the enemy of my enemies
is my friend.

Now, these two men are my enemies,
just as Libya is yours.

Tonight.
Yes, Your Excellency.

[PANTlNG]

Water.

My lips are on fire.

SlNGlNG: With my desire
For you

Good song.

[SlNGlNG]

[LAUGHlNG]

[SOBBlNG]

What have l done
with my life, Lyle?

Not now, Chuck.
Not now. Not now.

No children. No wife.

Chuck, this isn't really
a good time to get depressed.

You're right. l don't know
what's wrong with me.

Look at the upside.
We're not living lives
of quiet desperation.

l guess l just have the blues.
Yeah.

Hey...
What?

SlNGlNG: All the folks
That don't have money

Are they poor? Well, sure
Good rhyme.

[SlNGlNG]

Take it!

This is some of our best work.
You got a pencil?

Come on now, Lyle. Get a pencil.

Hey, l wonder if we're here.

[MUSIC]

Don't lose it, Lyle. Lyle?
This is really interesting.

l'm not depressed anymore.
lt shows you where you are

in terms of the sun.

l mean, you don't know much
about where you are
in terms of where you are, but...

Oh, Lyle, don't scare me.
You're all l have.

No, so help me, the lining
of your jacket's a map.

Look at it.
What?

You got the East there,
the sun coming up.
The West right there.

lt is a map.
Well, yeah!

This must be the map. Shirra's map.
The map that everyone's
been looking for.

Oh, you mean, the map
that could cost us lshtar
and enflame the Middle East?

Yeah.
ln the lining of a jacket?

Schmuck.

lt's not the real lining.
Someone sewed it in.

Look at this thread,
it's all sloppy and crooked.

Shirra's brother
must've sewed it in.

Can l give it to her with you?
Yeah.

That means we can't tell
the ClA about it.

Well, it's not their map.
lt's her map.

Yeah.
She's gone through enough.

Oh, boy, she must've
gone through a lot if she
found out about that wind.

Yeah.

That was a weird one.
Yeah.

No one-- No one
even mentioned it
during the auction.

And they didn't shine.
What didn't?

The beads. They didn't shine.

How would you know?
They were probably in Kansas
five minutes after the wind hit.

No, but the beads on my
necklace didn't shine.
They're the ones that l dropped.

That's right. l don't remember
them shining last night.

ln fact...

l remember them not shining.

Oh, gee.

[MUSIC]

[BEEPlNG]

We're approaching the target. Over.

Come in as low as you can.
They'll hold still for you.

I want those bullets to look lik e
they came from the ground.

They're coming into range.
Take her down.

Hey!
They see us!

He's landing!

He's pointing a gun at us.
No, he's not pointing it at us.

He's just riding shotgun
in case there's trouble.

He's aiming at us.
Will you stop being paranoid!

Run!

Run! Run!

They're splitting.
Go for the one in blue.
The other's just standing there.

What's happening?
Run, smuck! They're trying to kill us!

You mean those pricks
are trying to kill us too?

Run a crooked line!

Run! Keep running!

Oh, my God! l don't
believe this is happening.

You're too high.
Come down.

No one's gonna measure
whether the guy who shot them
was 6 foot or 1 6!

Are you serious?
Two Americans shot in a desert?
Of course they'll measure.

This goes in here.
Turn it over.

l wish this gun was mounted.

What the--?
Jesus Christ! They're firing at us!

Great shot!

l used to hunt every day
before the tyre factory opened.

They're using an automatic rifle.
We've been hit.

Back off and take cover.
l'm sending in a gunship.
Over and out.

Son of a bitch.

Come on, now, get up!
You idiot!

Move! Move!
You wanna get killed?

We're trying to save your ass!
Move! Move!

Get up!
Forget it, Chuck.

They're gonna come back
and kill us.

Come on, let's move these.
Big, dumb, stupid-ass camel!

He'd rather just
sit there than move!

When you ask him,
he'd rather get shot!

Actually, l kind of admire that.
Me too.

Oh, boy.

[HELlCOPTER APPROACHlNG]

Oh.

LYLE:
Here they come. Here they come.

CHUCK:
There's two of them now.

What should l take?
Take the M1 , take the M1 .

What's that? This one?
Right there. Yeah.

lsn't this amazing?
Nothing ever happened to us.

Willa left me,
l played a couple clubs...

Nothing to write home about.
Right.

Now we're gonna die
in the desert shooting helicopters.

That ain't poverty.
SlNGlNG: That ain't poverty, baby

[SlNGlNG]

We didn't need a pencil.

MAN 1 : There's a jeep
moving in towards the target.

Hold your fire till it passes.
If it stops, neutralise it. Over.

MAN 2:
I read you.

[CAR HORN HONKlNG]

Hey.

CHUCK: Now there's a guy
who wants to kill us bad enough
to drive across the desert.

What are you trying to do,
make it look like a traffic accident?

ABDUL: Don't shoot!
lt's me, your guide. Abdul!

Abdul? What are you doing here?
ABDUL: Looking for you.

l've been looking for you
all night. Fortunately, l had
a paying passenger.

MAN 1 : The jeep stopped.
MAN 2: Shit.

Well, tak e them all. Be careful,
one of them has got a rifle. Go!

[MUSIC]

You stay with the machine gun.

What do l do?
Just aim and fire.

Do you know how to use
a grenade launcher?

No.

This is the trigger.

Let them come in closer.
When l give you the signal,
stand and fire.

l have brought about your deaths.
We will die together.

Now!

Holy shit!

Jim, l don't know what
you had in mind, but this
action is no longer covert.

We're now overtly firing
on two Americans
and God knows who else.

And they are armed to the teeth!
Get out, get out, get out.

The mission's over. Just get out
as quick, quick-- While we can
still say we made a mistake. Get out.

Fuck you!
Fuck you twice!

And two more
from our friends!

JlM: Marty. Marty, if we agree
to your terms, will we get the map?

MARTY:
l don't know anything about a map.

But if anything should happen
to my clients, the map is up
for grabs.

Here's the deal.

''One, social reforms in lshtar
as dictated by Shirra Assel.

Two, an immediate live-in-concert
album from Rogers & Clarke
at the Chez Casablanca

to be financed and promoted
worldwide by you.''

Promote Rogers & Clark e worldwide?

No problem. Marty--

Let's work together as agents.
My pleasure. Talk to you soon.

[PHONES RlNGlNG]

lt's a disaster.

The girl wants social reforms
in lshtar, which means we
probably have to get rid of the emir.

But that's not the biggest problem.

We've got to actually back an album
with these guys and promote them
worldwide! Hold on one second.

Sir?

We did not shoot at two Americans
in the desert. We did not.

Who told you that?

The secretary of state?
Well, how would he know?

Well, let me look into.
l'm gonna look into it right away.
l'll get right back to you.

Get General Westlake to get
the 7th Battalion as an enthusiastic
audience for a live concert.

Tell him-- No, no, no,
don't tell him that. Tell him,
''General, we've found the map.

But we don't know where it is.
But we know who has it.

Shirra Assel and these two
American entertainers who
somebody shot at in the desert. ''

And we've been able
to make a deal, general,

but we need our own men here
because if anything happens
to them,

the map goes to the KGB,
but if Emir Yousef accepts
Shirra Assel's reforms

and we back their albums,
they promise not to sell it
to anyone else.

Back their albums?
l'm Shirra Assel, their friend.

l'm Abdul, their guide.
Marty Freed. l'm their agent.

l'd like to get up,
but l got such jet lag.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
by popular demand,

Rogers & Clark e.

Applaud! Pick it up! Yeah!

Applaud! Come on!

[SlNGlNG]

They wrote the music
and the lyrics.

That's the single.

SOLDlER:
Applaud!

Encore!

More! Encore!

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Can you believe this? Huh?

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

this next song is for
a very lovely lady of the left.

This is unbelievable.

[DRUM ROLLS]

[MUSlC PLAYS]

What is it?

l think they're wonderful.

[SlNGlNG
'' DANGEROUS BUSlNESS'']

['' LlTTLE DARLlN''' PLAYS]

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