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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000
^ xSilver ^
2
00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:07,700
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:13,100
And never brought
to mind
4
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:18,100
-Should auld acquaintance--
We used to
have 50 on staff here. Fifty.
5
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:20,100
I'm the only one left.
6
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,500
All comes down
to one schmuck:
7
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,800
me, the night shift bellhop.
8
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:31,100
What the hell is that?
A bellhop? Huh? What is he?
9
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,600
Y-You know where
the name comes from?
10
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:37,900
Huh?
It's so simple, it's stupid.
11
00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:40,500
Some schmuck rings a bell
and ya hop.
12
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,800
Ya hop front and center.
13
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:44,900
Did you ever meet
any of the old stars, then?
14
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:50,100
What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin
Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.
15
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,000
Ah, hey, you talk
about stars, uh--
16
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,700
Hey, kid,
17
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,700
put this on.
18
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,700
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.
Come on, come on, come on.
19
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,500
Let me see. Let me see.
20
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:07,400
You know, and to think that I wore
that stupid thing for 50 years.
21
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,400
To think
I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.
22
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:14,400
Yeah, well--
Well, kid,
23
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,500
I'm gettin'
my ass outta here.
24
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,800
Yep.
25
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,500
Yep, kid,
26
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,900
gotta go.
27
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,400
Listen, kid,
28
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:30,800
stay clear of...
29
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:35,400
night clerks, kids,
hookers and married arguments.
30
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,200
Come on, stand up. Come on.
I wanna say good-bye.
31
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:40,300
Now, uh--
32
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,600
Let me see.
You-You wanna get a tip?
33
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:48,200
Hold your hand out.
That's right. Now, uh, smile.
34
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,900
Give me a smile. Give me
a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,000
Now, if the cocksucker
doesn't pay ya,
36
00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:56,200
you say to yourself, uh,
""Fuck you, Jack.""
37
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,800
You know what I mean?
You never miss.
38
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,200
Tell you something else:
39
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,900
Keep your cock in your pants.
40
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:12,074
41
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,800
May I help you?
42
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,600
I have a reservation.
43
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:38,000
ln the honeymoon suite.
44
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,500
Kiva.
Wait up.
45
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,000
What'd I tell you
about smoking?
46
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,900
You smoke.
That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.
47
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,900
So, welcome to this week's edition
of ""Who is a Hypocrite?""
48
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,700
This is my first guest.
That's enough, Kiva.
49
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,900
You're not my mother.
Yes, I am.
50
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,900
Then why are we
sleeping together?
51
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,700
Ahh.
52
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,700
Mmm.
53
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,800
Yes.
54
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,700
Thank you.
55
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,900
Oh, you little stinker
56
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,000
Oh, you sweet
little muffin
57
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,000
Yes, Mama loves
the baby.
58
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,600
Hello.
59
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,000
I'm lookin' for the room
for makin' love.
60
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:20,800
Oh, right. You must mean
the honeymoon suite.
61
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:24,600
Well, it's straight
that way. Can't miss it.
Uh-huh. I know where it is.
62
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,900
I just wanted you to know
that I know where I'm goin',
so you needn't bother with me.
63
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,300
Well, no problem.
Where's your luggage?
64
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,300
I travel light.
65
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:54,000
Tell me, how long have
the others been here?
66
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,000
About an hour.
67
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,000
One hour.
68
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,600
You're very late, Eva.
69
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,500
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a
birth. The placenta was late in coming.
70
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,300
Which birth is more important
to you, Eva: that of a mortal,
71
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,500
or that of a goddess?
72
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,500
Will there be
anything else, ladies?
73
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,100
Wait.
We do need some things.
74
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:42,100
We need... fresh rosemary
from the kitchen.
75
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,200
Mostly what we need
is from the kitchen.
76
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,200
Hey. Are you listening?
77
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,300
Rosemary.
78
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,600
We need sea salt,
a little bit of sea salt.
79
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,700
Or kosher salt,
if you have no sea salt.
80
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,100
A bottle of spring water--
French, not that ltalian shit.
81
00:09:57,100 --> 00:10:00,700
Um, yes, and could I have
some French fries?
Shut up, Kiva.
82
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,900
Some ginger
and some raw meat.
83
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:08,900
Liver, if you have it.
I want fries, you stupid jerks
with your dumb fucking ritual.
84
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,100
Shut up, you little shit!
85
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,100
Hey.
86
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,900
Don't talk to her that way.
Uh,
87
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,600
if there's nothing else--
88
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,900
Thank you.
89
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,100
We're communing here
on New Year's Eve...
90
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,500
to bring to life
the great goddess Diana,
91
00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,300
who was turned into stone
in this very room...
92
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,200
40 years ago today.
93
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,800
Diana, O Great Beautiful One,
94
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,300
we make
these offerings to you...
95
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:22,400
so that we may undo the wicked spell
which deprived you...
96
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,600
of the seed of your lover...
97
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,200
of your virginal blood...
98
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,900
of your very life.
99
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,900
We now form the symbolic rock...
100
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,400
with our bodies.
101
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,500
On this night,
in this hour,
102
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,700
we call upon
the ancient power.
103
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,800
O Goddess Bride,
104
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:46,800
we offer thee...
105
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,600
milk from a mother's
sweet titty.
106
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:57,300
To reverse this evil
which has been done,
107
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,000
I make this offering...
108
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,300
to the Divine One.
109
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,400
A whore not,
110
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,500
an innocent was,
111
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,900
for whom I seized
a virgin's blood.
112
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:16,100
Goddess of Light,
Goddess of Lust,
113
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,200
to undo this awful spell
is a real must.
114
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:22,700
To bring you life
and get you high,
115
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,700
I offer the sweat
of five men's thighs.
116
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,200
O Diana,
O Great One,
117
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:33,400
we live without sun...
118
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,800
until this wicked curse
is undone.
119
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,000
ln hope that you appear,
120
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,500
I have collected
a year's worth of tears.
121
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,100
Goddess Diana,
fail you, I will.
122
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,300
I was to bring you
fresh sperm from my Bill.
123
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,500
I had him erect,
and his semen would follow,
124
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,500
but alas, I was hot,
125
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,600
so hot that I swallowed.
126
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,800
You stupid witch!
127
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:09,600
You swallowed the sperm? You did?
Why didn't you use your hands?
128
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:13,900
Well, it just goes to show you what an
amazing lack of control you have, Eva.
129
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:17,100
Didn't
your mama teach you not to put
them things in your mouth?
130
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:20,100
I understand, though.
Eva,
131
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,700
you got one hour
to find me some sperm,
132
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,400
one hour to show me...
133
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,700
what kind of witch
you can be.
134
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,700
You hear me?
Uh-huh.
135
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,200
Ted, the bellhop.
136
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:36,300
Mr. Bellboy,
137
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:38,600
come right in.
138
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,900
Okay, mister.
139
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,500
Here is your $50 tip,
140
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:57,100
only you have to do
one more thing.
141
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,300
You have to make
our little Eva smile.
142
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,500
We'll leave you alone.
143
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,300
Don't use your mouth.
144
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,300
Oh.
145
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:00,400
Help me out here.
l've got to earn this 50 bucks.
146
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:03,800
Look, they don't care
if I smile or not.
147
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,800
They just want--
148
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,200
You wouldn't understand.
149
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,200
Try me.
150
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:14,400
l've been around
a bit, you know.
151
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:18,600
Well,
152
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,600
the five of us--
153
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:25,400
Athena, Jezebel, Raven,
Elspeth and me-are a coven.
154
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:28,500
Like a coven of witches.
Yes.
155
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,300
Oh.
You see,
156
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:34,400
for 40 years
we've been trying to...
157
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:38,400
reverse an evil spell
that was placed on our goddess Diana.
158
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,400
She was a beautiful virgin,
159
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,200
an entertainer by trade
but a great sorceress by design.
160
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,400
It was here in this very room
on her wedding night...
161
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,200
that a jealous rival
placed this curse on Diana.
162
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:55,200
Her husband was turned
into a pink fish,
163
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,500
while our dear goddess...
164
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,100
a stone
in her honeymoon bed.
165
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,600
This was Diana.
166
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,000
She's the blonde.
Ah. Right.
167
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:24,100
Hmm.
168
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,200
Well.
169
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,500
Ooh.
170
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,000
Say.
171
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,700
Oh.
172
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,500
Well.
173
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,500
Hate to tell you this,
but, uh,
174
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,700
I kinda doubt
she was a virgin.
175
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,400
She had lovers,
but she saved that for marriage.
176
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:04,300
lf she doesn't get his goop
in ten minutes, I'm gonna go
in there and get it myself.
177
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,500
That'd be a first for you.
178
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:14,900
You mean, you were
supposed to bring, uh--
179
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:19,900
And you--
180
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,800
Eewhh.
181
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:25,300
And now...
182
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,500
you're my last chance.
183
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,500
W-Whoa.
184
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:34,900
Uh-uh.
185
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,900
No way.
186
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,900
Nope.
187
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,100
Besides,
188
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:44,900
it's against hotel policy.
189
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,100
I was warned.
190
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:50,300
""No sex with the clientele.""
191
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,300
Oh.
192
00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,900
See, what I really
wanna do is be a midwife.
193
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,900
l've attended
four births already.
194
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,400
I can prevent vaginal tears
and everything.
195
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,400
Really? That's good.
196
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,900
Yes. A fella doesn't like
too many surprises down there.
197
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,900
I joined the coven to obtain greater
understanding of my feminine powers.
198
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,000
Oh, really?
199
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:33,100
Seems to be working.
You really think so?
200
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,500
Oh. Yeah.
201
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,700
Oh, God.
202
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,100
Betty's gonna kill me.
203
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,100
Who's Betty?
204
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,800
The boss.
Oh, good.
205
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,800
Oh, God.
206
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:17,800
My number in Topanga.
207
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,900
Call me?
208
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:22,400
Sure, baby. I'll call you.
209
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:56,000
What's that used for?
This is, um-It's a birch branch.
210
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:58,400
It symbolizes eternal life.
211
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,200
I'm a woman now.
Marvelous.
212
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:06,300
I use this bark for a tea
which assists in astral travel.
213
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,900
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I wanna be a witch.
214
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:11,200
Great.
Okay.
You are.
215
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,600
We did it right there
in the big cauldron.
216
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:18,500
Great. Great.
217
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,500
Athena.
218
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,600
Goddess Diana,
I offer to you...
219
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:30,400
the jism of the one
I wooed for you,
220
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,500
so you may live
and know such bliss...
221
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,200
as getting laid
by a guy like this.
222
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:47,200
So mote it be.
223
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:51,400
Three times three times three.
224
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,600
Ah.
225
00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:36,900
Just a minute! Yeah!
226
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,300
Room service.
Wait. W-W-What room is this?
227
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:42,800
This is the front desk, sir.
228
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:45,700
W-What room we in?
I don't know, man. I just got here.
229
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,900
404. It's room 404,
I think.
230
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,600
Look, I thought we were
on the fifth floor.
All right! 409. Yeah.
231
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:55,600
Hmm, sir?
232
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:58,100
Hey, is he
talkin' to me?
233
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,400
Look, 404. We're in room 404.
Yeah.
234
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:04,300
What do you need, sir?
What do we need? What do we need?
235
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,400
lce. lce.
lce.
236
00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:09,200
lce?
lce. Yeah, ice!
237
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:12,300
Right, sir.
404, sir. lce, sir.
238
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,600
I'll be with you momentarily.
239
00:23:15,700 --> 00:23:18,800
Ooh. Disco.
240
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,300
Hello.
241
00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:55,900
Anybody there?
242
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:59,500
What'd you expect, Theodore,
243
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,600
a fuckin' floor show?
244
00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:04,500
Aah!
245
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:11,100
Um,
246
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:13,100
is this room 404?
247
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:19,700
Obviously l've come
at a very bad time.
248
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:23,900
Let's not beleaguer the fact
that you have no sense of timing.
249
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,900
The fact is, you're here,
250
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,000
and I couldn't think
of a better time for you...
251
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,300
to introduce me to your beau
than on New Year's Eve.
252
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:38,100
There's obviously been
a big mistake.
253
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,000
My name is Theodore. Yes.
254
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,000
I'm the bellhop.
255
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:17,000
Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.
256
00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:19,300
Let's cut to the chase,
okay?
257
00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:28,300
ls this about another man
or something?
258
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:32,200
Let's get our ABC's
right here, Theodore.
259
00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:36,000
Theodore, right?
260
00:25:36,100 --> 00:25:38,000
Ted's better.
261
00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:41,000
Ted. Okay.
262
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,200
Are you saying my wife
cheats on me?
263
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:53,700
Come here.
264
00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:57,800
Theodore.
265
00:25:57,900 --> 00:26:02,400
This is about as intimate
a situation as you can get:
266
00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:04,500
you,
267
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:08,400
me, Angela here.
268
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:10,700
Pretty cozy, isn't it?
269
00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:12,700
Now,
270
00:26:12,700 --> 00:26:14,700
I demand an apology.
271
00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:17,900
Oh, shit!
272
00:26:20,300 --> 00:26:22,300
What?
273
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:29,500
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
We ain't got no needles here, kid,
274
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:33,100
just a big fuckin' gun.
275
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,300
How's that grab ya?
Shh.
276
00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:38,200
Ciao, bambino.
277
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,000
Now...
278
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,600
where was l?
279
00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:49,900
Ah. Ah, yeah.
280
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,700
I remember.
281
00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:59,200
Now...
282
00:26:59,300 --> 00:27:01,300
this--
283
00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:05,300
Gimme that. Gimme that.
284
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:08,200
No. Bad idea.
Say the following.
285
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,300
Come here. Come here.
286
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,800
""l--""
287
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,300
""l,
l,
288
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,500
""Theodore,
Theodore,
289
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,600
must humbly--
humbleh...
290
00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:24,400
Humbly! Humbly!
Humbleh. Humbly.
291
00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:28,600
""And sincerely...
And sincerely...
292
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:32,200
apologize--
polgize...
293
00:27:32,300 --> 00:27:35,700
Apologize!
Polgi--
294
00:27:35,700 --> 00:27:37,700
Apologize.
Apologize. Apologize.
295
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,800
""For saying--
Saying--
296
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,600
saying that I fucked
another man.
297
00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:48,700
That--
Saying that I fucked another man!
298
00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,800
Saying that I fucked
another man.
299
00:27:50,900 --> 00:27:52,800
Great.
300
00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:55,800
Satisfied?
301
00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:59,600
Uh, do you accept
the fuckin' apology?
302
00:28:02,100 --> 00:28:04,000
Oh.
303
00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:07,200
You always have to have
the last word, Angela.
304
00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:10,700
Aw, it's just
one way with you.
305
00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:16,100
May l--
306
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:19,400
Shit, yeah.
Come on, come on. Spit it out.
307
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,800
I don't mean to
upset you further, sir,
308
00:28:22,900 --> 00:28:26,100
but I do think she was
trying to say yes.
309
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:39,700
Are you... condescending
to me, Theodore?
310
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,100
Absolutely not, sir.
311
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:48,200
Don't you think I noticed
there's a gag in the woman's mouth?
312
00:28:48,300 --> 00:28:52,300
You know why I know that?
313
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:57,600
How, sir?
Because I put that gag in her mouth!
314
00:28:59,700 --> 00:29:03,100
Don't move
a nose hair.
315
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:10,000
Whoa!
316
00:29:10,100 --> 00:29:15,100
Don't be a stranger, Teddy!
Take off your jacket and relax!
317
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,700
What?
318
00:29:25,100 --> 00:29:29,100
We don't have time to play charades
here, you asshole. Untie me.
319
00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:31,400
Listen!
Jesus, honey!
320
00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:33,400
I would appreciate it...
Where'd you put the Percodan?
321
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,400
if you would tell
that nut case in there...
322
00:29:35,500 --> 00:29:38,500
he's making a big
fucking mistake.
323
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,100
Look, whether
you like it or not,
324
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:45,100
you are in the middle
of a situation here you cannot
just wish your way out of.
325
00:29:45,100 --> 00:29:47,600
But l've never met
you people before!
326
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,900
You're complete strangers!
327
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,900
Everybody starts out as strangers.
It's where we end up that counts.
328
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,900
You being
a good boy, Theodore?
Quick. He's coming back.
329
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,200
Put the gag back in my mouth.
We play this game all the time.
330
00:29:58,300 --> 00:30:00,500
Play by the rules and you
won't get hurt. Quick.
331
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,400
Come on, put the gag back in my mouth.
Quick! Quick! Quick.
332
00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:08,200
Remember, don't make him mad.
I hope you're
being a good boy, Teddy.
333
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,700
Oh! Teddy!
Whoops!
334
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:13,100
Oh!
335
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,500
I was just
beginning to think...
336
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,000
I could trust you, Theodore.
337
00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:21,200
Just trying to help her
breathe a little.
338
00:30:21,300 --> 00:30:24,500
Well, don't let me
stop you, Teddy.
339
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,600
You don't mind my calling
you Teddy, do you?
340
00:30:28,700 --> 00:30:30,600
No, it's fine.
341
00:30:30,700 --> 00:30:32,900
You know, once upon a time...
342
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,700
I had a little bunny rabbit.
343
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:40,800
His name was Teddy. He looked real cute
nibblin' on Angela's ear.
344
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:44,200
But you're no bunny rabbit,
and picturing you do it...
345
00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:48,200
really fuckin' razzes me.
346
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,600
But don't let me stop you.
347
00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:52,700
Nibble, Teddy.
348
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,600
lf this is some kind of...
349
00:30:55,700 --> 00:30:57,600
weird voodoo thing...
350
00:30:57,700 --> 00:31:01,300
and you want me to have
sex with your wife,
351
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:04,100
there's absolutely no way.
352
00:31:04,100 --> 00:31:06,900
Start nibblin', motherfucker!
353
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,400
Now! Now!
354
00:31:09,500 --> 00:31:11,400
Oh.
355
00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:15,200
That's it.
Hop like a bunny.
356
00:31:21,300 --> 00:31:23,200
Don't be shy.
357
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,800
Good boy.
358
00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:40,600
What's the problem,
Sparky?
359
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,400
No whiz left in the cheese?
360
00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:47,700
Look, I'm not playing
this game anymore.
361
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,600
lt'll be over soon.
362
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:53,400
Then you can go home
to Mommy,
363
00:31:53,500 --> 00:31:55,700
Theodore.
Ted!
364
00:31:58,100 --> 00:32:00,800
The name's Ted.
365
00:32:00,900 --> 00:32:04,500
Yes, my mother did me the disservice
of naming me Theodore,
366
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:07,800
and I haven't a clue as to how
you know that, because
everybody who knows that...
367
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,400
is thousands
of fucking miles away.
368
00:32:10,500 --> 00:32:12,800
Have you any idea,
369
00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:16,400
the faintest idea,
370
00:32:16,500 --> 00:32:21,400
what it's like to arrive
at school and find yourself
surrounded by the maladjusted?
371
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:25,600
And there you stand.
372
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:30,100
Little Lord Fauntleroy.
373
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,900
Ever worn a bonnet?
Give it a try sometime.
374
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,300
So shoot me now,
375
00:32:37,300 --> 00:32:40,600
because no one is ever...
376
00:32:40,700 --> 00:32:44,800
going to call me...
Theodore again,
377
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:46,900
let alone...
378
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,400
Theo...
379
00:32:49,500 --> 00:32:51,400
the Thumper.
380
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,100
Wow.
381
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,600
Sigfried.
382
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:17,700
What?
383
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:20,700
That's my name.
384
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,900
Sigfried.
Sigfried?
385
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,600
Nice to meet ya.
386
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:31,000
Very impressive,
387
00:33:31,100 --> 00:33:33,100
Ted.
388
00:33:33,100 --> 00:33:36,600
Thank you.
It's a deal, kid.
389
00:33:36,700 --> 00:33:40,400
Ted it will be.
390
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,500
Whew.
391
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,400
Hmm?
392
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:03,000
My heart! Aah!
393
00:34:05,300 --> 00:34:09,400
My... nitro pills
in the bathroom! Quick!
394
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,300
Hurry!
395
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:25,200
Next to the condoms!
They may be in my medicine bag!
396
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,200
This is it!
397
00:34:28,300 --> 00:34:32,200
Oh, this is the big one,
Angie!
398
00:34:32,300 --> 00:34:34,900
Dear God!
399
00:34:34,900 --> 00:34:38,900
Someone turn on
the lights!
400
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:44,200
Nitro. Nitro. Nitro.
Oh, baby, I got the chills!
401
00:34:44,300 --> 00:34:48,500
I can't feel my leg!
It's fucked up!
402
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:56,700
Nitro! Where's the fuckin'
white lightning?
403
00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:59,600
Can't live without my--
404
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:01,600
Ooh!
405
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,300
Help me!
406
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:12,200
No time to take
a leak! I'm dyin', here!
Help! Help!
407
00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:15,000
Help me!
408
00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:18,000
Help me!
409
00:35:18,100 --> 00:35:20,400
Help me!
410
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:24,500
Help me!
411
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,700
Good evening.
412
00:35:41,700 --> 00:35:44,000
Ah.
413
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:01,900
I'm stuck
in a situation here...
414
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,300
which I couldn't possibly
begin to explain.
415
00:36:05,300 --> 00:36:08,700
What I was wondering:
Do you think you could, uh,
416
00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:11,500
call the police, sir?
417
00:36:11,500 --> 00:36:14,900
Are you all right,
sir? Sir?
418
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,900
lce.
419
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,800
Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.
420
00:36:48,900 --> 00:36:52,700
Oh, my God! Sigfried!
421
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:54,800
Angela!
422
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:04,300
Ohh! Ohh!
423
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,300
Where is the fucking nitro?
424
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,500
Couldn't find it.
What do you mean,
you couldn't find it?
425
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:12,500
Untie me! I'll find it!
426
00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:15,200
It's your fault he's so upset!
Now he's dying!
427
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,700
I'll get some help!
428
00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:19,700
Aah!
429
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:23,400
I tie a pretty good knot,
don't l, Ted?
430
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:26,400
Sigfried!
431
00:37:26,500 --> 00:37:30,700
Thank God, you're okay!
432
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,300
You bastard.
433
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,800
Aw, honey.
434
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:44,300
Don't get mad. It was just
a little test, and I'm glad that
I did it, because now I know...
435
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,400
you love me forever,
436
00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:48,800
truly...
437
00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:50,800
and deeply.
438
00:37:50,900 --> 00:37:53,500
lf the simple fact that I didn't want
your bloated, dead body...
439
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:58,300
lying out on the floor is love,
then no wonder we find ourselves
as we are at this very moment.
440
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:03,700
Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your
voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?
441
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:06,200
I think you're right,
442
00:38:06,300 --> 00:38:09,900
and if you just keep this kind
of open dialogue going,
443
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,800
I think you'll go a long way
to resolving this misunderstanding.
444
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:16,400
You'd be surprised what happens
if people just listen...
445
00:38:16,500 --> 00:38:19,900
without succumbing
to all that pain and anger.
446
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:24,200
You heard shit, monkey boy.
Easy for you to say after you
fuck another man's wife.
447
00:38:24,300 --> 00:38:27,100
You should at least have
the guts to stand behind...
448
00:38:27,100 --> 00:38:29,400
your convictions.
449
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:33,100
She's lying, Sigfried.
I swear to God.
450
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,300
You know, when I think
of all the times you were inside me...
451
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,800
promising me a better life,
it makes me wanna puke.
452
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,400
Why are you doing this to me?
453
00:38:45,700 --> 00:38:49,800
What have I ever done
to you people?
454
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,300
What didn't you do,
stick man?
455
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:56,800
Unfortunately, you don't have
the balls to back up
the actions of your huge cock.
456
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,800
No, no, no.
457
00:38:59,900 --> 00:39:03,300
He's got a huge cock?
458
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,500
Oh, no, no, no, no.
459
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,500
Show it to me.
It's not that big.
460
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:14,100
Put it this way: God made up for what
he did to Gumby with Teddy here.
461
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,500
Show it to me!
462
00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:20,100
Show him your cock, Theodore.
463
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:23,500
Please stop talking about his cock!
464
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:27,300
Well, it's hard to stop talking
about something that's so huge.
465
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:31,000
I mean, I could go
on and on about his cock,
466
00:39:31,100 --> 00:39:33,000
his bone,
467
00:39:33,100 --> 00:39:35,100
his knob,
Shh.
468
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,800
his bishop,
469
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:42,900
wang, thang, rod, hot rod,
humpmobile,
470
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,900
Oscar, dong,
dagger, banana,
471
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,200
cucumber, salami,
472
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:50,500
sausage, kielbasa,
schlong,
473
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:53,800
dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter,
474
00:39:53,900 --> 00:39:57,100
pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener,
pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,
475
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:59,100
middle leg, third leg,
meat,
476
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,200
stick, joystick, dipstick,
477
00:40:02,300 --> 00:40:04,400
one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head,
478
00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:07,200
little guy, Rumple Foreskin,
Tootsie Roll,
479
00:40:07,300 --> 00:40:09,300
love muscle, skin flute,
480
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,800
Roto-Rooter, snake--
481
00:40:12,900 --> 00:40:14,700
Please don't go!
482
00:40:17,100 --> 00:40:19,400
Hammer, rammer, Spammer,
483
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:22,300
bazooka, rubber, chubby,
sticky, stubby.
484
00:40:23,700 --> 00:40:26,200
Hey, do you know where
room 404 is, man,
485
00:40:26,300 --> 00:40:28,700
'cause I was up
at this party, and--
486
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,600
I have absolutely no idea!
487
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,200
Oh.
488
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,200
Schmeck, schmuck,
schvantz, ying-yang, yang--
489
00:40:41,300 --> 00:40:43,800
Whoa! I'm Theodore.
What?
490
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,000
Well,
you're right on time, Theodore.
491
00:40:46,100 --> 00:40:48,100
Let's not beleaguer the fact...
492
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,400
that you have
no sense of timing.
493
00:40:50,500 --> 00:40:53,000
The fact is...
494
00:40:53,100 --> 00:40:56,400
you're here.
495
00:41:25,700 --> 00:41:28,700
Front desk.
496
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:32,400
Bottle of champagne.
Fast.
497
00:41:44,700 --> 00:41:47,700
Stand still.
498
00:41:47,700 --> 00:41:50,800
I said stand still.
You're gonna ruin your suit.
499
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:53,100
Come here. Come here.
500
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,500
Gimme that.
501
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,600
Let me see.
502
00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:03,900
There. There, you see?
You see?
503
00:42:03,900 --> 00:42:08,500
Huh? You look good
with your hair back like this.
504
00:42:08,500 --> 00:42:11,300
Like me. Like me.
505
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:14,600
Not down and to the side,
all stupid...
506
00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,800
like your mother
likes to comb it.
507
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:19,800
No. No.
508
00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:22,300
Like this.
Ow.
509
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,400
Gimme this.
510
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,800
lmpossible.
511
00:42:49,900 --> 00:42:53,200
You've got your mother's hair.
You can't do anything with it.
512
00:42:54,700 --> 00:42:57,500
There. Go. Go.
513
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:03,200
How did you get your hair
in such a tangled mess, huh?
514
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,400
There. Go. Finished.
515
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,600
Are we gonna
have fun tonight?
516
00:43:20,500 --> 00:43:22,500
I didn't think so.
517
00:43:33,700 --> 00:43:35,700
Hey.
518
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:39,200
What about leaving
the kids here?
519
00:43:39,300 --> 00:43:41,700
Hmm?
Here in the room, all by themselves?
520
00:43:41,700 --> 00:43:44,500
No, with the television.
521
00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:46,500
Hmm?
522
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:56,500
You wanna have fun tonight,
don't you?
523
00:43:57,700 --> 00:43:59,700
Yes.
524
00:43:59,700 --> 00:44:01,700
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
525
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,700
Give it to me.
526
00:44:14,700 --> 00:44:18,000
Hey.
527
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:20,500
You kids are gonna
stay here watching TV.
528
00:44:22,500 --> 00:44:25,800
I want you to be in bed
and asleep before 12:00.
529
00:44:25,900 --> 00:44:30,000
Twelve.
Your mother and l
will be back later on,
530
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,000
maybe.
531
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,700
Don't misbehave.
532
00:44:54,100 --> 00:44:58,300
Why did we have to get all dressed up
if we're not going with them?
533
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:00,700
I don't know.
534
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,700
What are you doing?
I'm escaping.
535
00:45:10,700 --> 00:45:13,000
It stinks in here
anyway.
536
00:45:13,100 --> 00:45:15,000
What did I say?
537
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:22,500
Behave.
538
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:24,800
Yes, Papa.
539
00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:27,000
The champagne
you ordered, sir.
540
00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:30,800
Too late.
Leave it on ice.
541
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:32,800
But I want some now.
542
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:34,900
There'll be plenty for you
at the party, baby.
543
00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:38,000
You can bomb yourself
all you want at the party.
544
00:45:38,100 --> 00:45:41,200
Put it down. Put it down.
545
00:45:46,900 --> 00:45:49,300
All right.
546
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:53,800
You want 500 bucks?
Sure.
547
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,400
How about three?
Three hundred dollars?
548
00:45:57,500 --> 00:45:59,400
Yeah.
Three's fine.
549
00:45:59,500 --> 00:46:03,900
Good. My children are staying
here tonight watching TV.
550
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:07,900
I want you to check up
on them every 30 minutes.
551
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,500
Check up on them?
Yeah, make sure they're all right.
552
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:13,400
Make sure they're fed. Make sure
they go to bed. You know, these things.
553
00:46:13,500 --> 00:46:16,200
Sir, I can send out
for a baby-sitting service.
554
00:46:16,300 --> 00:46:19,500
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.
555
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:21,800
My children are safer alone...
556
00:46:21,900 --> 00:46:24,100
than with some fucked-up
pedophile baby-sitter...
557
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:26,200
I don't know from
the man in the fucking moon.
558
00:46:26,300 --> 00:46:30,500
What about him? What makes you think
you can trust him?
559
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,000
Tell me that's not
a face you can trust.
560
00:46:35,100 --> 00:46:37,800
l'd love to help you
with your problem, sir,
561
00:46:37,900 --> 00:46:41,300
but unfortunately
I'm here alone tonight.
562
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:44,100
Hmm.
563
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:51,100
One hundred, two hundred,
three hundred.
564
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,500
Here you are.
565
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:56,500
I thought you said 500.
No, I said 300.
566
00:46:56,500 --> 00:46:59,300
No, sir. I distinctly
heard you say 500.
567
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,100
Are you calling me a liar?
No, sir.
568
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,800
What I'm saying is that you accidentally
forgot that the first thing you said--
569
00:47:04,900 --> 00:47:08,800
But what I last said was 300,
and what you say last is what counts.
570
00:47:08,900 --> 00:47:13,500
Well, then, if you say 500
one last time, we have a deal.
You fucking with me, pendejo?
571
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:17,300
No, sir, but I'm by myself,
572
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:20,000
and looking after your kids
is a pain in the ass I don't need.
573
00:47:20,100 --> 00:47:22,200
Are you calling my kids
a pain in the ass?
574
00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:25,500
Why, no, sir, not the kids.
575
00:47:25,500 --> 00:47:29,000
It's the situation
that is a pain in the ass.
576
00:47:29,100 --> 00:47:32,700
No, you were right the first time.
They're a pain in the ass.
577
00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:35,300
All right. You win, tough guy.
Five hundred.
578
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:38,000
You kids
are getting expensive.
579
00:47:38,100 --> 00:47:40,500
What's your name?
580
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:43,000
Ted.
581
00:47:43,100 --> 00:47:45,300
lf you need anything,
just dial zero and ask for Ted.
582
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:50,500
And make sure they're
in bed before midnight.
Before midnight?
583
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:53,100
Then should I wake them up
for the countdown to the New Year?
584
00:47:53,100 --> 00:47:56,300
No.
585
00:47:56,400 --> 00:47:59,000
lf something happens
to my children...
586
00:48:04,700 --> 00:48:07,400
I wouldn't want to be you.
587
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,000
Don't misbehave.
588
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:17,400
Let's get out of here.
589
00:48:45,700 --> 00:48:48,100
Okay.
590
00:48:48,100 --> 00:48:50,500
These are the rules.
591
00:48:50,600 --> 00:48:54,200
Don't break the rules
and I won't break your necks.
592
00:48:56,700 --> 00:48:58,900
I always wanted to say that.
593
00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:01,400
Someone said that to me
when I was a kid.
594
00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:05,600
Only they weren't joking.
595
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,300
The rules are simple:
596
00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:12,300
Don't do anything you wouldn't do
if your parents were here.
597
00:49:12,300 --> 00:49:15,500
lf there's an emergency, call me on the
phone like your dad said. Thank you.
598
00:49:15,500 --> 00:49:21,300
That's not what he said.
He said to call you if we need anything.
599
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:24,600
Well, I have a lot of work to do,
and I can't have you calling me...
600
00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,600
every time you want
a glass of water, so please,
601
00:49:26,700 --> 00:49:29,000
try and limit your calls
to emergencies only.
602
00:49:29,100 --> 00:49:32,100
Thank you.
We paid you $500.
603
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:36,100
We'll call you
if we need anything.
604
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:38,300
You don't wanna
get my dad mad.
605
00:49:40,700 --> 00:49:45,000
Oh. Well, try and call
only when necessary.
606
00:49:45,100 --> 00:49:47,500
Watch TV, and if you're good,
607
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:49,700
I'll bring you up
some milk and cookies.
608
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:53,700
Bye, now.
609
00:50:14,500 --> 00:50:17,000
Your feet stink.
610
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:21,500
They don't stink.
611
00:50:26,300 --> 00:50:28,700
Check it out! T and A!
612
00:50:30,100 --> 00:50:32,200
Change it. You're not
supposed to watch this.
613
00:50:32,300 --> 00:50:35,700
We're supposed to watch TV.
Not this kind of TV.
614
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:37,700
Change it.
615
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:41,700
Leave me alone. Ouch.
616
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,700
Ouch.
617
00:50:56,800 --> 00:50:58,700
Front desk.
618
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:01,900
Ted?
What did I tell you?
619
00:51:01,900 --> 00:51:05,200
Don't bother me and you'll get
milk and cookies. Now, do you
want them or do you not?
620
00:51:05,300 --> 00:51:08,400
I want you to turn off
the nudie station in our room.
621
00:51:08,500 --> 00:51:11,600
I cannot turn on an adult
station without the express
permission of your parents.
622
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:14,900
No, not turn it on.
Turn it off.
623
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:17,900
It's already on.
Whoa.
624
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,300
That's not what the machine tells me.
625
00:51:20,400 --> 00:51:23,300
Well, stop listening
to the machine and listen to me.
626
00:51:23,400 --> 00:51:27,400
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV,
and I want 'em off.
627
00:51:27,500 --> 00:51:30,900
Like I said, I'll be up later
to put you both to sleep.
628
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:33,400
Bye.
629
00:51:33,500 --> 00:51:36,300
Change the channel now!
630
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:43,800
Man, you're the one
with the stinking feet.
631
00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:54,800
They don't stink.
632
00:51:54,900 --> 00:51:57,800
Yeah, they do.
No, they don't.
633
00:51:57,900 --> 00:52:00,600
Here, smell for yourself.
634
00:52:02,300 --> 00:52:04,200
Go ahead.
635
00:52:26,400 --> 00:52:28,900
Go ahead.
636
00:52:47,700 --> 00:52:50,600
Get a bottle opener.
637
00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:07,700
Don't shake it.
638
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,900
Front desk.
Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.
639
00:53:13,900 --> 00:53:19,000
Who died? No one?
Good. Then don't call me.
640
00:53:19,100 --> 00:53:22,800
I just thought l'd tell you that your
cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.
641
00:53:22,900 --> 00:53:27,200
There's all kinds of leftover stuff
here: needles and things.
642
00:53:27,300 --> 00:53:29,200
We're not supposed
to have needles, are we?
643
00:53:29,300 --> 00:53:31,900
I mean, they don't come
with the room, do they?
644
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,300
Send someone up here
to clean this place up right.
645
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:38,000
I told you not to shake it!
646
00:53:38,100 --> 00:53:42,400
I gotta go. My dumb brother
just exploded the champagne
all over the room.
647
00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:45,800
Oh, and bring us up
a couple of toothbrushes.
648
00:53:45,900 --> 00:53:49,900
There's a card in the bathroom
that says you'll bring us free
toothbrushes if we ask for them.
649
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:55,900
I'm calling a room.
Give me three numbers.
650
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:59,900
Four... zero... nine.
651
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:06,100
Hello?
What?
652
00:54:06,100 --> 00:54:08,700
Hi. You don't know me,
and I don't know you either,
653
00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:10,600
but do you have
any needles?
654
00:54:10,700 --> 00:54:14,400
We have needles here,
and I was wondering if they come
with the room or not.
655
00:54:14,400 --> 00:54:16,800
We ain't got
no needles here, kid.
656
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:19,600
No?
Just a big fuckin' gun.
657
00:54:19,700 --> 00:54:21,700
Just checking.
658
00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:19,100
This is the bull's-eye.
It's worth 100 points.
659
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:22,300
This is worth ten points.
This is worth 20 points.
660
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:27,300
This is worth-Hey, wait 'til
I get out of the way!
661
00:55:29,400 --> 00:55:32,700
This is how
an expert throws it.
662
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:41,000
Hello, kiddie-winkies.
I brought your milk and cookies.
663
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:44,200
You're going to have
to eat them now, because...
664
00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:46,800
you're going to sleep.
665
00:55:46,900 --> 00:55:48,800
We have
to go to sleep now?
666
00:55:48,900 --> 00:55:51,700
Your parents said to put
you to bed before midnight.
667
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:54,000
Well--
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
668
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:58,500
Maybe this way
you'll leave me alone.
669
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:00,700
Those aren't
milk and cookies.
670
00:56:00,700 --> 00:56:02,800
Well, we ran out
of cookies,
671
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,800
so I brought you
milk and saltines.
672
00:56:05,900 --> 00:56:09,000
Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.
You're going to bed.
673
00:56:09,100 --> 00:56:11,200
They're old.
674
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:15,600
Dip them in the milk.
The milk will make them soft.
675
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,400
No crackers?
676
00:56:25,500 --> 00:56:29,000
Sleepy time. Now, I don't
want you wandering around,
677
00:56:29,100 --> 00:56:31,100
so if you need
the rest room--
678
00:57:04,500 --> 00:57:06,400
What about our pajamas?
679
00:57:06,500 --> 00:57:08,900
You wanna look nice in case
there's an earthquake, don't you?
680
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,900
Yeah.
Well, then, stay in those clothes.
681
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:14,700
This is some
Mentholatum ointment.
682
00:57:14,800 --> 00:57:18,700
Now, under the covers and close
your eyes, and I'll tell you a story.
683
00:57:18,800 --> 00:57:21,300
Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,
doesn't trust 'em.
684
00:57:21,300 --> 00:57:23,600
Well, can't say
I blame him, really.
685
00:57:23,700 --> 00:57:26,000
You know what my baby-sitter
did to me when I was a kid?
686
00:57:27,300 --> 00:57:29,200
I used to hate
going to sleep.
687
00:57:29,300 --> 00:57:32,100
You know, when it's late,
you wanna get up, run around, go crazy.
688
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:34,900
Well, what my baby-sitter
used to do to me...
689
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:38,000
to make sure l'd stay in bed,
not be tempted to get up,
690
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:41,100
was she'd take some of
this vapor rub ointment...
691
00:57:44,300 --> 00:57:47,100
and she'd dab a little
on each eyelid...
692
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:50,800
just to make sure
l'd stay put.
693
00:57:50,900 --> 00:57:54,000
There.
Now you have some too.
694
00:57:54,100 --> 00:57:58,100
Don't open your eyes
or it'll burn, burn, burn.
695
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:00,100
What about in the morning?
Well, if you keep...
696
00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:04,600
your eyes shut tight all night,
it'll wear off by morning,
but don't open them before then.
697
00:58:04,700 --> 00:58:06,700
Did you ever
open your eyes?
698
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:10,200
Yes, I did,
and look at me now.
699
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:13,500
We can't.
Exactly. Good.
700
00:58:15,700 --> 00:58:17,700
You'll do fine.
701
00:58:17,700 --> 00:58:21,000
Sleep tight all night...
702
00:58:21,100 --> 00:58:24,200
and I won't tell your parents
about the champagne.
703
00:58:27,300 --> 00:58:29,300
Good night.
704
00:59:21,300 --> 00:59:23,700
Are you watching TV?
705
00:59:23,800 --> 00:59:28,900
Yep. lf you wanna watch,
you better go wash your face.
706
00:59:35,900 --> 00:59:38,100
Unh!
Be careful.
707
00:59:39,500 --> 00:59:41,900
Gimme that!
708
00:59:59,000 --> 01:00:02,100
Ah.
709
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:04,800
Hey, what are you doing?
710
01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:26,000
Shut up.
711
01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:28,700
You! Shut up!
Shut up!
712
01:00:33,700 --> 01:00:36,500
Ted!
What do you want now,
for Christ sakes? Who died?
713
01:00:36,600 --> 01:00:38,600
I don't know,
but she's in my bed.
714
01:00:38,700 --> 01:00:41,600
What?
There's a dead body in my bed.
715
01:00:41,700 --> 01:00:44,000
Nonsense! That's just
your brother sound asleep!
716
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:48,300
No! There's a woman's dead body
inside the bed in the mattress.
717
01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:50,900
You saw the body?
Yes!
718
01:00:50,900 --> 01:00:54,500
lmpossible! You've got
the ointment on your eyes.
719
01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:58,300
Ya can't see shit!
Now go to sleep!
720
01:01:01,300 --> 01:01:04,100
Go to sleep!
I washed it off.
721
01:01:04,100 --> 01:01:08,000
The Mentholatum?
Yeah. Didn't you ever
think to do that?
722
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:12,000
Get your ass up here
and call the police,
723
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:15,800
because there's a dead body in
my bed, and it smells like shit,
and it looks even worse.
724
01:01:15,900 --> 01:01:18,700
lf you don't help us, my dad is going to
lay you down right next to her,
725
01:01:18,700 --> 01:01:21,200
I swear to fucking God!
726
01:01:21,300 --> 01:01:23,600
I am coming up there
right this minute!
727
01:01:23,700 --> 01:01:27,400
lf there is no dead body
in that room by the time I get
up there, I'm gonna make one!
728
01:01:27,500 --> 01:01:29,600
You--
729
01:01:29,700 --> 01:01:32,100
Little bitch.
730
01:01:34,800 --> 01:01:36,700
Ah, shit!
731
01:01:59,900 --> 01:02:01,700
Cover it up.
Cover it up.
732
01:02:06,700 --> 01:02:08,800
Thank you.
733
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:23,400
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is going on here?
734
01:02:23,500 --> 01:02:25,800
Your parents are
on their way up here.
735
01:02:25,800 --> 01:02:29,600
And I am not taking responsibility
for this mess!
736
01:02:29,700 --> 01:02:33,500
Check under the mattress.
For what?
737
01:02:33,500 --> 01:02:36,900
For the body. Can't you smell it?
It's your feet.
738
01:02:45,300 --> 01:02:48,600
Fucking Christ!
What the fuck is that?
739
01:02:53,500 --> 01:02:55,900
Police! It's an emergency!
740
01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:06,300
Police! Get someone over here
right fucking now.
741
01:03:06,400 --> 01:03:10,200
There's a dead whore
stuffed in the mattress!
Don't call her that.
742
01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:13,700
Shut up!
I'm dead fucking serious.
743
01:03:13,700 --> 01:03:18,200
There's a dead
fucking whore stuffed...
Stop calling her that!
744
01:03:18,300 --> 01:03:21,100
in the fucking bed!
745
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:24,700
Fuck!
746
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,900
lf your pad is a wax museum
747
01:03:53,100 --> 01:03:55,700
The young and exotic
748
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:57,900
Following a millionaire
749
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:02,400
A glass and a shaker
750
01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:05,300
Our host is
a real scene maker
751
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:08,500
The millionaire's holiday
752
01:04:11,300 --> 01:04:15,500
The millionaire's holiday
753
01:04:18,300 --> 01:04:23,100
The millionaire's holiday
754
01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:29,900
Did they misbehave?
755
01:04:56,600 --> 01:05:00,600
Emergency?
756
01:05:00,700 --> 01:05:05,000
Just--
757
01:05:15,700 --> 01:05:17,600
Happy New Year.
758
01:05:17,700 --> 01:05:22,100
Let me speak to Betty.
Uh, party's over.
She probably went home.
759
01:05:22,200 --> 01:05:27,200
She lives there!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.
760
01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:30,100
Well, then get her on the phone.
Tell her it's an emergency.
761
01:05:30,100 --> 01:05:33,100
Who-Who should
I say is calling?
762
01:05:33,100 --> 01:05:35,700
You tell her it's Teddy
from work on the phone.
763
01:05:35,700 --> 01:05:38,800
I got some major
fucking emergency.
764
01:05:38,900 --> 01:05:41,800
Hi, Ted.
I'm Margaret.
765
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:44,900
You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of New Years?
766
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:49,000
No, Margaret. This hasn't been
my happiest New Year.
767
01:05:49,100 --> 01:05:52,000
This one's starting off
pretty fucking badly.
768
01:05:52,100 --> 01:05:55,100
Aw, how come?
Well, Betty...
769
01:05:55,200 --> 01:05:59,200
leaves me here all by myself,
and first thing right off the bat,
770
01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:01,200
I'm fucked
by a coven of witches.
771
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:04,200
You were fucked
by an oven full of witches?
772
01:06:04,200 --> 01:06:08,800
A coven of witches!
Not an oven!
773
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:11,300
Well, one witch
in particular.
774
01:06:11,300 --> 01:06:16,200
Was she an old hag with a mole on
her face with hair growing out of it?
775
01:06:16,200 --> 01:06:18,000
No, no, she was
very beautiful.
776
01:06:18,100 --> 01:06:23,600
Ted? What's the problem?
777
01:06:23,700 --> 01:06:28,700
Well, admittedly, that was
the best part of the evening.
778
01:06:28,800 --> 01:06:31,700
It was pretty
bloody good actually.
779
01:06:31,800 --> 01:06:35,500
But it's still a pretty unnerving way
to start off the night.
780
01:06:35,600 --> 01:06:38,300
Sounds like a pretty great way
to start off the night to me.
781
01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:41,900
Why don't we just
skip over the witches?
Skipping the witches.
782
01:06:41,900 --> 01:06:45,500
Right. Later,
in another room,
783
01:06:45,500 --> 01:06:49,800
some crazy fucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face...
784
01:06:49,900 --> 01:06:52,900
and forces me to play out
some psychosexual drama with his wife.
785
01:06:52,900 --> 01:06:55,200
He made you have
psycho sex with his wife?
786
01:06:55,300 --> 01:06:58,000
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.
He thought I fucked his wife.
787
01:06:58,100 --> 01:07:01,300
He held me at gunpoint
with a loaded gun!
What kind of gun was it?
788
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:03,700
I don't know.
I'm not a gun guy. It was big.
789
01:07:03,800 --> 01:07:07,900
Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.
790
01:07:08,000 --> 01:07:10,800
Did it have a real long barrel
or a short barrel?
791
01:07:10,900 --> 01:07:13,500
What difference
does it make?
792
01:07:13,600 --> 01:07:18,100
Well, for one thing, it's a difference
between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.
793
01:07:18,100 --> 01:07:22,900
Who the fuck cares whether it was a
.44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun!
794
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:25,900
It was loaded! And it was pointed
right at my fucking head!
795
01:07:26,000 --> 01:07:30,600
You wanna skip this part too?
I want you to get Betty on
the phone right fucking now.
796
01:07:30,700 --> 01:07:35,400
Hold on.
Anybody live here named--
797
01:07:35,500 --> 01:07:37,600
What's her name again?
798
01:07:37,700 --> 01:07:41,600
Betty.
Betty!
799
01:07:41,700 --> 01:07:44,300
Whatcha
screaming about?
800
01:07:44,400 --> 01:07:46,900
You're Betty?
Yeah, I'm Betty.
It's my fucking place.
801
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:51,100
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.
802
01:07:54,800 --> 01:07:58,600
You guys, wanna go to breakfast?
No.
803
01:07:58,700 --> 01:08:01,400
Let's go to Denny's.
Later.
804
01:08:01,500 --> 01:08:06,500
Okay, Ted, what's the problem?
Hello, Betty.
805
01:08:06,600 --> 01:08:09,900
""What's the problem?""
I haven't got a problem.
806
01:08:10,000 --> 01:08:15,700
l've got fucking problems.
Plural. Wanna hear?
Sure.
807
01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:19,500
Well, most recently,
there's room 309.
808
01:08:19,500 --> 01:08:24,100
There's this scary Mexican gangster
dude pokin' his finger in my chest.
809
01:08:24,100 --> 01:08:27,300
There's his hooligan kids
snapping their fingers at me.
810
01:08:27,400 --> 01:08:32,000
There's a putrid, rotting corpse
of a dead whore stuffed
in the springs of the bed.
811
01:08:32,100 --> 01:08:34,400
There's rooms blazing afire.
812
01:08:34,500 --> 01:08:37,000
There's a big fat needle
from God knows where,
813
01:08:37,100 --> 01:08:40,000
stuck in my leg, infecting me
with God knows what.
814
01:08:40,000 --> 01:08:44,000
And finally, there's me, walkin'
out the door right fuckin' now.
815
01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:48,300
Buenas noches.
816
01:08:48,300 --> 01:08:52,400
ls that the penthouse?
Yes, it is.
817
01:08:52,500 --> 01:08:54,300
It's the Chester Rush party.
They want something.
818
01:08:54,400 --> 01:09:00,200
Well, tough titty. They're just gonna
have to whistle, because I'm off.
819
01:09:00,200 --> 01:09:02,500
Now, Ted, wait a minute.
I know you're freaked.
820
01:09:02,600 --> 01:09:04,900
I know you're stressed.
You had a real bad night.
821
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:10,700
Oh, yes, Betty.
l've had a real bad night.
822
01:09:10,800 --> 01:09:14,600
The only thing I ask is that
you take care of Chester Rush,
and then you can leave.
823
01:09:14,700 --> 01:09:17,700
I don't feel like it!
Ted, he's a very important
guest of the hotel.
824
01:09:17,800 --> 01:09:19,700
ln fact, he's the most
important guest of the hotel.
825
01:09:19,800 --> 01:09:22,300
The Mon Signor used to be
a haven for movie stars.
826
01:09:22,400 --> 01:09:24,700
Through the Thirties, Forties
and first halfof the Fifties,
827
01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:27,800
more movie stars, if you break it down
on a night-by-night basis,
828
01:09:27,900 --> 01:09:30,300
stayed at the Mon Signor than
any other hotel in Hollywood.
829
01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:32,300
Now, we had some hard times
in the Eighties,
830
01:09:32,400 --> 01:09:34,500
even though we were the official
hotel of Cannon Pictures,
831
01:09:34,500 --> 01:09:36,400
but we're comin' back strong
in the Nineties.
832
01:09:36,500 --> 01:09:39,000
And a movie star clientele
is important to that comeback.
833
01:09:39,100 --> 01:09:41,600
Now, you look here--
He probably just wants some champagne.
834
01:09:41,700 --> 01:09:45,200
You can do that, can't you?
Ted. Just take care of him.
835
01:09:45,300 --> 01:09:47,800
The entire staffof
the Mon Signor is begging you.
836
01:09:47,900 --> 01:09:53,300
Okay. But you get your ass
down here pronto!
837
01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:56,500
You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.
838
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:09,400
Hello, Mr. Rush.
Sorry for the delay.
839
01:10:09,500 --> 01:10:11,300
How can I help you?
840
01:10:25,700 --> 01:10:30,500
Get your skanky asses
the fuck outta here!
841
01:10:53,100 --> 01:10:55,100
Room service.
842
01:10:57,900 --> 01:10:59,800
Hello, Theodore.
843
01:11:02,900 --> 01:11:07,400
What the f-fuck are you doing here?
Havin' a drink.
844
01:11:07,400 --> 01:11:09,800
ls Sigfried here?
845
01:11:09,900 --> 01:11:12,800
Are you kidding? He'll probably
be asleep 'til Christmas.
846
01:11:12,900 --> 01:11:15,100
Hey, everybody.
The bellboy is here.
847
01:11:15,200 --> 01:11:18,900
The bellboy's here!
Oh, my God! Shit!
848
01:11:18,900 --> 01:11:22,900
Happy New Year!
Entra! Entra!
849
01:11:23,000 --> 01:11:25,700
Hey, bellboy!
850
01:11:28,400 --> 01:11:31,500
Mr. Rush,
I'm sorry I'm late.
851
01:11:31,600 --> 01:11:34,100
But l, I think you'll find
I have everything you need.
852
01:11:34,100 --> 01:11:38,500
No problema, el bellboy.
No problema.
853
01:11:38,600 --> 01:11:41,700
His name is Theodore.
Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.
854
01:11:41,700 --> 01:11:45,400
It's Ted, sir.
So, Ted, the bellboy,
855
01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:48,300
would you care for some champagne
as I was saying?
856
01:11:48,300 --> 01:11:50,400
All right, that wasn't
what I was saying.
857
01:11:50,400 --> 01:11:52,900
But would you care for some champagne?
Um, I'm on duty, sir.
858
01:11:53,000 --> 01:11:56,600
Duty, smooty, come on. It's like
Cristal. It's the very best they make.
859
01:11:56,700 --> 01:12:00,700
I didn't like champagne
'tiI I had Cristal. Now I love it.
860
01:12:00,800 --> 01:12:02,800
Come on!
lf I must, sir.
861
01:12:02,900 --> 01:12:05,700
Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.
Chin-chin.
862
01:12:05,800 --> 01:12:08,600
For our purposes, promptness
is far behind thoroughness.
863
01:12:08,700 --> 01:12:11,900
Drink up, lad.
864
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:14,000
What do you say?
Ah, thank you, sir.
865
01:12:14,100 --> 01:12:16,900
No, not thank you. What do you say
about the tasty beverage?
866
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:19,000
Um, oh,
it's very good.
867
01:12:19,000 --> 01:12:21,100
It's fucking good, Ted.
Fucking good!
868
01:12:21,100 --> 01:12:23,100
Let's try it again, shall we?
Got a light?
869
01:12:23,200 --> 01:12:25,500
Okay, so, Ted, what do you think
about that tasty beverage?
870
01:12:25,600 --> 01:12:27,400
It's fucking good!
871
01:12:27,500 --> 01:12:30,900
It's fucking Cristal.
Everything else is piss.
872
01:12:31,000 --> 01:12:33,300
Bellboy.
Bellboy. Bellboy!
873
01:12:33,400 --> 01:12:36,600
Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up!
You're makin' my friend Ted nervous.
874
01:12:36,700 --> 01:12:40,300
Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman here.
875
01:12:40,300 --> 01:12:43,300
He's just-That's from Quadrophenia.
He's just fuckin' with you.
876
01:12:43,300 --> 01:12:46,300
Now me, personally,
when I think of bellboy,
877
01:12:46,300 --> 01:12:49,200
I think of The Bellboy
with Jerry Lewis.
878
01:12:49,300 --> 01:12:53,000
Did you ever see that film, Ted?
Um... no, sir.
879
01:12:53,100 --> 01:12:55,600
Oh, you should. It's one
of Jerry's better movies.
880
01:12:55,700 --> 01:12:58,300
He doesn't say a word
through the entire film.
881
01:12:58,400 --> 01:13:01,600
It's a completely
silent performance.
882
01:13:01,700 --> 01:13:04,100
Now how many actors
can pull that off?
883
01:13:04,200 --> 01:13:08,100
I gotta tell you, that guy,
he's gotta go to France to get respect.
884
01:13:08,200 --> 01:13:10,200
That says it all
about America right there.
885
01:13:10,300 --> 01:13:13,200
Just that one little sentence says
it all about America right there.
886
01:13:13,300 --> 01:13:16,300
The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every
newspaper in this fuckin' country...
887
01:13:16,400 --> 01:13:18,800
is gonna be writin' articles
callin' the man a genius.
888
01:13:18,900 --> 01:13:21,900
It's not right. It's not right
and it's not fuckin' fair!
889
01:13:21,900 --> 01:13:26,500
But why should that surprise
anybody? When the hell has
America ever been fair?
890
01:13:26,600 --> 01:13:30,900
We might be right every once in awhile,
but we're very rarely fair.
891
01:13:35,100 --> 01:13:38,200
Oh. Um... where
shall I put this, sir?
892
01:13:40,500 --> 01:13:42,600
You in a hurry there, Ted?
893
01:13:42,700 --> 01:13:47,200
Uh, well, um--
Not particularly.
894
01:13:47,300 --> 01:13:50,100
Good there! Okay, then gotta stop
playin' ""Beat the Clock.""
895
01:13:50,200 --> 01:13:53,400
Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody.
Now, see that girl over there?
896
01:13:53,500 --> 01:13:55,400
All right, that's
our friend from downstairs.
897
01:13:55,500 --> 01:13:57,700
We just met her at the pool.
You seem to be acquainted.
898
01:13:57,800 --> 01:14:00,300
Yeah, Theodore and I go
way back, don't we, Theodore?
899
01:14:00,400 --> 01:14:02,700
Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.
900
01:14:02,800 --> 01:14:06,700
I only let people with loaded guns
pointed at my head call me Theodore.
901
01:14:06,800 --> 01:14:09,600
The man sittin' in this chair
with the Jim Beam in his hand,
902
01:14:09,700 --> 01:14:12,700
yellin' ""Bellboy"" at you
is Norman.
903
01:14:12,700 --> 01:14:17,100
Norman, say hello to Ted.
904
01:14:17,100 --> 01:14:19,200
What's up, Ted?
What's up, sir?
905
01:14:19,300 --> 01:14:23,200
And the sociable son ofa bitch
in that room over there is Leo.
906
01:14:23,200 --> 01:14:26,100
And the person on the other end of
the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.
907
01:14:26,100 --> 01:14:28,400
Leo!
What?
908
01:14:28,500 --> 01:14:30,700
Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
Hold on a second. What?
909
01:14:30,800 --> 01:14:34,800
Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
Here. Come here.
910
01:14:34,900 --> 01:14:38,900
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo!
911
01:14:39,000 --> 01:14:41,700
Leo, that is Ted the bellboy.
That's me.
912
01:14:41,800 --> 01:14:44,600
The bellboy we called
about 20, 25 minutes ago.
913
01:14:44,700 --> 01:14:47,600
Oh, Ted the bellboy.
Well, my goodness.
914
01:14:47,600 --> 01:14:50,900
Glad you could make it, chum.
Glad I could be here.
915
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:54,000
Ellen, what does punctuality
have to do with love?
916
01:14:54,000 --> 01:14:56,900
Which brings me to me.
Could you explain that to me, please?
917
01:14:57,000 --> 01:15:00,900
Chester Rush, Ted.
Pleased to meet ya.
918
01:15:01,000 --> 01:15:03,900
I'm pleased to meet you, sir.
Oh, Chester.
919
01:15:04,000 --> 01:15:06,500
Not ""sir.""
Chester.
920
01:15:06,600 --> 01:15:09,500
Chester? Oh, Chester.
921
01:15:09,600 --> 01:15:12,500
Um, terribly sorry I haven't
seen the movie yet, sir, but--
922
01:15:12,500 --> 01:15:14,600
No worries.
No worries at all.
923
01:15:14,700 --> 01:15:16,600
Don't worry.
Don't be sorry about that.
924
01:15:16,700 --> 01:15:19,600
You know, it's just, that's
why God invented video. No problem.
925
01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:22,000
You got a point, sir.
But you know what?
926
01:15:22,000 --> 01:15:25,100
A lot of people did see it. Whole lot
of motherfuckers saw that movie.
927
01:15:25,200 --> 01:15:27,100
Didn't they? Didn't they?
A whole lot--
928
01:15:27,200 --> 01:15:32,100
Lot of motherfuckers
saw The Wacky Detective.
929
01:15:33,300 --> 01:15:36,100
The Wacky Detective, sir.
930
01:15:36,200 --> 01:15:38,500
Who drank out of this bottle last?
Uh?
931
01:15:38,500 --> 01:15:40,800
I said, ""Who drank out
of this bottle last?""
932
01:15:40,800 --> 01:15:44,600
What the fuck's wrong?
It's fuckin' flat, man.
That's what's fuckin' wrong.
933
01:15:44,700 --> 01:15:48,800
Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat.
There ain't a goddamn bubble
left in the fuckin' bottle, man.
934
01:15:48,900 --> 01:15:52,100
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is goin' on here?
Chill out, man.
935
01:15:52,200 --> 01:15:55,200
Who fuckin'-Who-Fuck--
Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?
936
01:15:55,200 --> 01:15:57,600
All right? Somebody!
I didn't do this!
937
01:15:57,700 --> 01:15:59,700
I was drinkin' out of
that other bottle there.
938
01:15:59,800 --> 01:16:01,900
Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork
in the bottle. Who didn't put it in?
939
01:16:02,000 --> 01:16:04,000
Chester, do you want me to open
another bottle of champ--
Who didn't put it in?
940
01:16:04,000 --> 01:16:06,000
Do you want me to open
another bottle of champagne?
941
01:16:06,100 --> 01:16:08,000
No, don't you fuckin'
open another bottle!
942
01:16:08,100 --> 01:16:10,400
I-I-I got enough right here.
Fucking shit, man.
943
01:16:10,400 --> 01:16:12,700
God, we've opened
enough fucking bottles!
944
01:16:12,800 --> 01:16:15,200
Do you know how much this shit
costs? No! You don't.
Yes, I do.
945
01:16:15,300 --> 01:16:17,400
No! You don't!
No! You don't!
946
01:16:17,400 --> 01:16:22,000
'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just
fucking free to you fucking assholes.
947
01:16:22,100 --> 01:16:24,800
Shit. I give and I give
and I give and I give and I give.
948
01:16:24,900 --> 01:16:29,300
What was I talkin' about?
949
01:16:29,400 --> 01:16:32,500
Um, you were saying
that The Wacky Detective...
950
01:16:32,600 --> 01:16:34,700
was a very popular movie.
951
01:16:34,700 --> 01:16:39,600
Yes, it was. And it was popular--
very, very popular-before video.
952
01:16:39,600 --> 01:16:44,000
It was popular before foreign!
It was popular before p-pay TV.
953
01:16:44,000 --> 01:16:47,600
And before free TV.
Before all that shit!
954
01:16:47,600 --> 01:16:50,700
The Wacky Detective was making--
Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?
955
01:16:50,800 --> 01:16:54,100
Leo! Leo. What was the final take
on domestic?
956
01:16:54,200 --> 01:16:56,200
$72.1million.
957
01:16:56,300 --> 01:16:58,900
$72.1million.
Ellen, I'm sorry.
958
01:16:59,000 --> 01:17:02,200
That's fucking asses
in fucking seats.
959
01:17:02,300 --> 01:17:04,200
You know, it's not your fault.
I mean, they hit you both barrels.
960
01:17:04,300 --> 01:17:06,900
But you know, fuck, you know, I just
would like a little consideration.
961
01:17:07,000 --> 01:17:09,900
And my new one,
The Dog Catcher,
962
01:17:09,900 --> 01:17:12,400
which, by the way, is testing
right through the ceiling,
963
01:17:12,500 --> 01:17:15,500
all right, is projected
to gross a hundred.
964
01:17:15,600 --> 01:17:19,900
The Dog Catcher.
The Dog Catcher, Chester.
965
01:17:24,100 --> 01:17:26,800
Oh, thank you, sir.
That's the good stuff.
966
01:17:26,900 --> 01:17:29,700
Now, take a look at some of
these goodies you brought us, okay?
967
01:17:29,800 --> 01:17:34,200
Um, f-far be it--
Far be it for me, uh, Chester--
Uh-huh.
968
01:17:34,300 --> 01:17:37,300
But I was just wondering if you could
tell me, what is all that stuff for?
969
01:17:37,400 --> 01:17:39,800
Hey, one thing at a time, man.
I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.
970
01:17:39,800 --> 01:17:42,400
So let's not jump ahead.
Very good, sir.
971
01:17:42,500 --> 01:17:45,000
Norman, Norman, Norman, come on,
come on. I think you might want
to look at some of this shit.
972
01:17:45,100 --> 01:17:48,100
Hey, you damn skimpy.
All right, men.
973
01:17:50,700 --> 01:17:53,700
All right, man.
Tell it.
974
01:17:55,300 --> 01:17:58,100
A block of wood.
975
01:17:58,200 --> 01:18:00,800
Continue.
976
01:18:00,900 --> 01:18:03,400
Three nails.
Why three nails?
977
01:18:03,500 --> 01:18:07,500
That's how many Peter Lorre
asked for. Continue, Ted.
978
01:18:07,500 --> 01:18:09,800
A ball of twine.
979
01:18:09,800 --> 01:18:12,800
Well, that is definitely
a ball of twine. Continue!
980
01:18:14,200 --> 01:18:16,900
A bucket... of ice.
981
01:18:16,900 --> 01:18:18,900
You into it?
I'm into it.
982
01:18:18,900 --> 01:18:20,900
All right.
Go on!
983
01:18:23,700 --> 01:18:26,100
A doughnut.
That's for me.
984
01:18:29,800 --> 01:18:33,800
A club sandwich.
That is mine.
985
01:18:35,900 --> 01:18:40,700
And... a hatchet!
986
01:18:40,800 --> 01:18:46,000
""A hatchet as sharp as the devil
himself,"" is what I asked for.
987
01:18:46,100 --> 01:18:49,000
Well, sir-Chester--
you be the judge.
988
01:18:49,000 --> 01:18:52,500
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be the judge.
989
01:18:52,600 --> 01:18:55,000
Careful, sir.
What do you think?
990
01:18:55,000 --> 01:18:58,000
It's a sharp
motherfucker.
991
01:18:58,000 --> 01:19:02,700
Forget the nails and the twine.
Bring all this other bullshit
over to the bar. Come on.
992
01:19:02,700 --> 01:19:05,600
Let's go. Pronto, man.
You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.
993
01:19:05,600 --> 01:19:08,700
Right you are, sir.
Norman? Yeah?
994
01:19:08,800 --> 01:19:12,500
Yes, it's my job.
Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that.
995
01:19:12,600 --> 01:19:15,800
He wanted to stay out late. I can't--
I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?
996
01:19:15,800 --> 01:19:18,300
Don't yell-I'm not yelling!
997
01:19:18,300 --> 01:19:21,400
Hey! I'm not yellin'!
You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'!
998
01:19:21,500 --> 01:19:26,600
Fuck-Don't hang up on me!
Ellen, please don't hang up on
me. Please don't hang up on me.
999
01:19:26,600 --> 01:19:29,100
Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,
if you hang up on me--
1000
01:19:29,200 --> 01:19:33,100
You cock-fucking New York bitch.
Fuckin' call better be genuine,
'cause I'm gonna get a divorce!
1001
01:19:33,100 --> 01:19:35,200
Yo, Leo?
Fuck!
1002
01:19:35,300 --> 01:19:38,700
Another fucking Honeymooners
goin' on in there.
Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man!
1003
01:19:38,800 --> 01:19:42,700
What the fuck is wrong-What the fuck
is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man?
1004
01:19:42,800 --> 01:19:46,400
I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm
gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland.
1005
01:19:46,500 --> 01:19:50,900
I am gonna fuckin' drag her
fuckin' ass and throw her down
Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!
1006
01:19:50,900 --> 01:19:54,800
You're still married, man?
Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore.
1007
01:19:54,800 --> 01:19:57,600
I swear to Christ, Norman.
I fuckin' swear to God, man.
1008
01:19:57,600 --> 01:20:00,700
What the fuck is wrong--
I treat this fuckin' bitch like
a queen! You know that, man.
1009
01:20:00,800 --> 01:20:02,900
I know that.
So I had a little
fuckin' too much to drink!
1010
01:20:03,000 --> 01:20:06,400
It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's
Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home.
1011
01:20:06,500 --> 01:20:09,000
Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I'm fuckin' sorry about that.
1012
01:20:09,000 --> 01:20:12,600
What do you want me to do?
Get in a fuckin' car, and go run
over six or seven fuckin' kids?
1013
01:20:12,700 --> 01:20:14,900
That'd be real fuckin' nice.
1014
01:20:15,000 --> 01:20:19,000
Man, what the fuck is the matter
with this bitch?
1015
01:20:19,100 --> 01:20:22,000
Fuck!
1016
01:20:22,000 --> 01:20:24,000
What the fuck
is all this?
1017
01:20:24,000 --> 01:20:26,000
Block of wood, bucket
of ice and a hatchet, sir.
1018
01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:28,800
Get the fuck outta here.
Chester, talk to me. Norman?
1019
01:20:28,800 --> 01:20:32,000
We now return you to
The Man From Rio already in progress.
1020
01:20:32,100 --> 01:20:34,000
Oh, my fucking dick
is hard already.
1021
01:20:34,100 --> 01:20:36,100
Tell me, Norman,
you're gonna do this shit!
1022
01:20:36,100 --> 01:20:39,400
I am gonna do it.
Oh, you are my fuckin' hero.
1023
01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:42,000
They better, after talkin' about it
all night. I wanna see a show.
1024
01:20:42,000 --> 01:20:44,300
Come here.
Give me your motherfuckin'--
All right then.
1025
01:20:44,400 --> 01:20:47,000
Well, if that's everything.
I got Cedars lined up, man.
1026
01:20:47,000 --> 01:20:49,300
I got a doctor waitin'
in the fuckin' emergency.
1027
01:20:49,400 --> 01:20:53,200
Fuck the
emergency, man. I'm gonna grab
his motherfucking car from him.
1028
01:20:53,300 --> 01:20:55,800
Just in case.
Hey, just in fucking case.
1029
01:20:55,900 --> 01:20:58,500
I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.
Not so fast.
1030
01:20:58,600 --> 01:21:01,000
Fuckin' treat that bitch
like a queen, man.
We're gonna walk back...
1031
01:21:01,100 --> 01:21:03,100
to this little bar here.
I told you to dump her, didn't l?
1032
01:21:03,200 --> 01:21:05,500
We're gonna sit down, 'cause
we ain't quite through yet.
1033
01:21:05,600 --> 01:21:09,300
Leo. Sit on this little red stool.
Sit down on this little red stool,
1034
01:21:09,400 --> 01:21:15,000
while I explain the festivities
of the evening to you.
1035
01:21:15,100 --> 01:21:18,000
All right.
Um, sir?
1036
01:21:18,100 --> 01:21:20,000
Uh-huh.
A word in your ear, sir.
1037
01:21:20,100 --> 01:21:22,100
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Excusez-moi.
1038
01:21:22,200 --> 01:21:25,200
I treat that bitch like a queen, man.
Chester.
1039
01:21:25,300 --> 01:21:27,300
That shit don't help,
treating a woman like a queen.
1040
01:21:27,400 --> 01:21:31,600
I'm fuckin' working.
As long as you
don't break up the furniture,
1041
01:21:31,700 --> 01:21:33,700
I don't give a fuck
what you do.
1042
01:21:33,800 --> 01:21:35,700
Took all your money.
Gonna take your kids and house.
As far as I'm concerned,
1043
01:21:35,800 --> 01:21:38,800
go ahead, trash the place!
1044
01:21:38,900 --> 01:21:41,800
Oh, but, look, let me explain
what we're talkin' about.
1045
01:21:41,900 --> 01:21:44,400
Sir, sir, you don't have
to explain anything to me.
1046
01:21:44,400 --> 01:21:49,200
Whatever constitutes a good
time, as far as you guys are
concerned, that's your business.
1047
01:21:49,200 --> 01:21:53,700
Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,
because we want you to take part.
1048
01:21:56,600 --> 01:22:00,300
Take part in what, sir?
1049
01:22:00,400 --> 01:22:04,200
Chester, your way of breakin'
the news to him gently is
scarin' the fuck outta him.
1050
01:22:04,300 --> 01:22:06,200
Think so?
Just spit it out.
1051
01:22:06,300 --> 01:22:08,300
Okay, okay, here we go.
Okay.
1052
01:22:08,300 --> 01:22:11,100
Thing is, Ted,
first off,
1053
01:22:11,100 --> 01:22:13,900
there's nothing homosexual
about what we want you to do.
1054
01:22:14,000 --> 01:22:16,000
I mean, I was thinkin'
you might be thinkin'...
1055
01:22:16,100 --> 01:22:18,300
that we want you to do somethin'
like weird sex thing,
1056
01:22:18,300 --> 01:22:20,800
you know, like, suck us off,
pee on us, shit like that.
1057
01:22:20,900 --> 01:22:23,100
Nothing, nothing could be
further from the truth.
1058
01:22:23,100 --> 01:22:25,700
Can I just jump in here for a second?
No. No.
1059
01:22:25,800 --> 01:22:28,700
My kind of way of telling him
is kind of going all around the world.
1060
01:22:28,800 --> 01:22:31,000
But it's the journey that's worth it.
Yeah, well, I see that.
1061
01:22:31,100 --> 01:22:34,000
But he's been here for 15
minutes and you have, you know,
talked about everything but--
1062
01:22:34,100 --> 01:22:37,100
What do you care?
Why don't you just shut
the fuck up, bitch?
1063
01:22:37,100 --> 01:22:39,200
""Bitch""?
Bitch!
1064
01:22:39,300 --> 01:22:41,900
Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's
being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?
1065
01:22:42,000 --> 01:22:45,800
Whoa!
Cork boy, man! Business card!
1066
01:22:45,900 --> 01:22:48,600
I see a new business card.
1067
01:22:48,700 --> 01:22:50,900
Excuse me, if it
please the court.
1068
01:22:51,000 --> 01:22:55,000
Allow me to present
our intentions to Theodore.
1069
01:22:55,100 --> 01:22:59,000
I second the nomination.
I move that nomination be closed!
1070
01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,000
Thank you.
The court is yours, Leo.
1071
01:23:01,000 --> 01:23:03,100
Thank you very much,
Chester.
1072
01:23:03,200 --> 01:23:08,000
Ted, you ever seen any of them
old Alfred Hitchcock episodes?
Yes, sir.
1073
01:23:08,000 --> 01:23:12,200
You ever see the one called The Man From
Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?
1074
01:23:12,200 --> 01:23:14,300
Uh--
Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it.
1075
01:23:14,300 --> 01:23:16,600
It's called The Man From Rio
with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.
1076
01:23:16,700 --> 01:23:19,900
Anyway, Peter Lorre makes
a bet with Steve McQueen...
1077
01:23:20,000 --> 01:23:23,300
that Steve McQueen can't light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row.
1078
01:23:23,400 --> 01:23:26,200
Now, if Steve McQueen lights his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,
1079
01:23:26,200 --> 01:23:28,200
he wins Peter Lorre's
new car.
1080
01:23:28,200 --> 01:23:32,200
But if he does not light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,
1081
01:23:32,200 --> 01:23:36,800
Peter Lorre gets to chop off
Steve McQueen's little pinky.
1082
01:23:36,900 --> 01:23:41,100
Norman and Chester here
just made that same bet.
1083
01:23:41,200 --> 01:23:44,300
Norman has bet
his pinky...
1084
01:23:44,400 --> 01:23:48,500
that he can light his cigarette lighter
ten times in a row.
1085
01:23:48,500 --> 01:23:50,500
lf he does,
1086
01:23:50,500 --> 01:23:54,900
he wins Chester's
1964 Chevy Chevelle...
1087
01:23:54,900 --> 01:23:57,900
red, fuckin',
beautiful car.
1088
01:23:57,900 --> 01:24:02,800
lf he doesn't, chop off
his fuckin' pinky. What do you say?
1089
01:24:09,600 --> 01:24:11,600
You guys are drunk.
1090
01:24:11,600 --> 01:24:14,500
Yes!
Of course! Of course we're drunk!
1091
01:24:14,500 --> 01:24:16,500
Teddy, that's why we're here,
but that does not mean...
1092
01:24:16,500 --> 01:24:18,700
that we don't know what the fuck
we're talking about.
1093
01:24:18,800 --> 01:24:20,700
I'm gonna tell you what
the fuck I'm talkin' about.
1094
01:24:20,800 --> 01:24:23,100
I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talkin' about.
1095
01:24:23,100 --> 01:24:26,300
I drive a motherfucking Honda
that my sister sold me.
1096
01:24:26,400 --> 01:24:31,500
You hear what I'm saying? A little
white motherfuckin' Honda Civic!
1097
01:24:31,600 --> 01:24:33,800
You see this shit?
1098
01:24:33,900 --> 01:24:36,000
""Hollywood's hottest new star--
That's me.
1099
01:24:36,100 --> 01:24:38,400
next to America's
hottest old car.
1100
01:24:38,500 --> 01:24:40,900
That's the car I own.
Are you listenin' to me? Are you?
1101
01:24:41,000 --> 01:24:45,200
Goddamn shit!
Are you listening to me?
1102
01:24:45,300 --> 01:24:47,500
Now you take a good long look
at that there machine...
1103
01:24:47,600 --> 01:24:50,200
that this motherfucker
over here's standin' next to.
1104
01:24:50,200 --> 01:24:55,100
That's a 1964 nigger-red,
ragtop Chevy Chevelle.
1105
01:24:55,100 --> 01:24:59,300
And I love that car more than
I love hips, lips or fingertips.
1106
01:24:59,300 --> 01:25:04,100
Cut to: We're sittin' here
celebratin', gettin' high,
1107
01:25:04,100 --> 01:25:06,400
drinking champagne--
Drinking Cristal.
1108
01:25:06,500 --> 01:25:08,800
When you're drinking champagne,
you're drinking champagne.
1109
01:25:08,900 --> 01:25:11,400
When you're drinking Cristal,
you say you're drinking Cristal.
1110
01:25:11,500 --> 01:25:14,700
Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,
we are drinking it, you know.
1111
01:25:14,800 --> 01:25:16,800
And we are watching TV.
1112
01:25:16,900 --> 01:25:19,300
What, what? Hey, hey, hey.
When all of a sudden,
1113
01:25:19,400 --> 01:25:23,200
we flip on Steve McQueen, Peter
Lorre being fuckin' badasses.
1114
01:25:23,300 --> 01:25:25,200
Badass!
Badasses!
1115
01:25:25,300 --> 01:25:28,100
And I look over at this
funny-looking motherfucker over here,
1116
01:25:28,100 --> 01:25:32,000
and I say, ""l'd do that
for the Chevelle.""
1117
01:25:32,100 --> 01:25:36,800
I'm funny.
And that's when Chester says--
1118
01:25:38,200 --> 01:25:41,600
""Oh, really?""
1119
01:25:44,500 --> 01:25:48,000
Well, you guys wouldn't be doing
something this stupid unless
you were really fucking drunk.
1120
01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:50,000
We already told you
we were drunk, Ted.
1121
01:25:50,100 --> 01:25:52,100
That goes without
motherfucking saying.
1122
01:25:52,200 --> 01:25:55,000
'Cause if we wasn't drunk,
we'd probably chicken out.
1123
01:25:55,100 --> 01:25:57,700
When you're fucked up,
you don't lie.
1124
01:25:57,700 --> 01:25:59,900
Man, you tell
the fuckin' truth.
1125
01:26:00,000 --> 01:26:02,100
You want to know what
the fuckin' truth is?
1126
01:26:02,200 --> 01:26:04,900
The fuckin' truth is, my
lucky Zippo is gonna win me...
1127
01:26:05,000 --> 01:26:07,500
Chester's fucking car.
1128
01:26:07,600 --> 01:26:11,300
Which brings us to your part
in this little wager, Ted.
1129
01:26:11,300 --> 01:26:13,200
I don't have a part, sir.
1130
01:26:17,200 --> 01:26:19,800
That's it. Like my old granddaddy
used to always say,
1131
01:26:19,900 --> 01:26:21,900
""The less a man makes
declarative statements,
1132
01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:24,700
the less apt he is to look
foolish in retrospect.
1133
01:26:24,800 --> 01:26:27,600
That's quite brilliant, sir.
Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.
1134
01:26:27,700 --> 01:26:30,300
Thing is, there are some inherent
obstacles in this undertaking.
1135
01:26:30,400 --> 01:26:32,500
Aside from the obvious.
1136
01:26:32,500 --> 01:26:36,400
First of which is being
the fact that I'm not like
Peter Lorre on that TV show.
1137
01:26:36,500 --> 01:26:39,900
I'm not some sick fuck travelin'
the countryside collecting fingers.
1138
01:26:39,900 --> 01:26:41,900
All right, you know,
we're all buddies here.
1139
01:26:41,900 --> 01:26:45,500
No one wants Norman to lose his finger.
We just want to chop it off.
1140
01:26:45,600 --> 01:26:47,500
You know, if fate doesn't
smile on old Norman,
1141
01:26:47,600 --> 01:26:50,300
we'll put that fucker on ice,
whisk it right to the hospital,
1142
01:26:50,400 --> 01:26:52,700
where in all likelihood they'll be able
to sew it right back on.
1143
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:55,000
Well, hopefully, sir.
1144
01:26:55,100 --> 01:26:57,800
Yeah, well, they sewed
that guy's dick back on. They
can sew Norman's pinky back on.
1145
01:26:57,900 --> 01:27:00,200
Yeah, how hard can it be?
Yeah, good point.
1146
01:27:00,300 --> 01:27:02,700
So, Norman, he's,
he's taken care of, you know.
1147
01:27:02,800 --> 01:27:05,200
His interests
have been looked after.
1148
01:27:05,300 --> 01:27:09,000
My interests,
on the other hand, have not.
1149
01:27:09,100 --> 01:27:13,700
I am as emotionally attached to my car
as Norman is physically to his finger.
1150
01:27:13,800 --> 01:27:17,300
That's a very fuckin' piece ofexpensive
machinery I'm putting on this wager.
1151
01:27:17,400 --> 01:27:20,000
And, you know, if I lose, I lose.
That's fine. That's no problem.
1152
01:27:20,000 --> 01:27:23,400
I have no problem with that.
I'm a big boy. I knew exactly
what the hell I was doing.
1153
01:27:23,400 --> 01:27:27,600
But if I win,
I wanna win. All right?
1154
01:27:27,700 --> 01:27:32,100
lf Norman lights his cigarette lighter
ten times in a fuckin' row,
1155
01:27:32,100 --> 01:27:35,900
he's gonna have no emotional problems
whatsoever about taking my car keys.
1156
01:27:36,000 --> 01:27:40,900
But if I win,
1157
01:27:40,900 --> 01:27:45,800
well, it's not inconceivable
that at the last minute...
1158
01:27:45,800 --> 01:27:48,800
maybe neither Leo or l...
1159
01:27:48,900 --> 01:27:52,300
will be able to...
wield the axe.
1160
01:27:52,300 --> 01:27:55,500
A hatchet, sir.
Wield the hatchet.
1161
01:27:55,600 --> 01:27:58,800
Which brings us
full circle to you, Ted.
1162
01:27:58,800 --> 01:28:02,700
Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.
1163
01:28:02,800 --> 01:28:05,000
Complete-stranger Ted.
1164
01:28:05,100 --> 01:28:07,400
lmpartial Ted.
1165
01:28:07,400 --> 01:28:11,800
Just-met-us-and-couldn't-
give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.
1166
01:28:11,900 --> 01:28:16,600
We want you
to be the dice man.
1167
01:28:18,800 --> 01:28:21,700
Hell of a night, huh, Ted?
1168
01:28:24,700 --> 01:28:26,600
l've got to get out of here.
1169
01:28:27,600 --> 01:28:30,000
Money!
1170
01:28:33,800 --> 01:28:37,900
Ted, I got a $100 bill here
with your name on it,
1171
01:28:38,000 --> 01:28:40,900
whether you do
what we ask or not.
1172
01:28:41,000 --> 01:28:44,000
Just to sit back down in
that chair for one minute more.
1173
01:28:44,000 --> 01:28:47,900
I am not gonna cut off
Norman's little pinky!
1174
01:28:48,000 --> 01:28:49,900
Well, maybe you will
and maybe you won't.
1175
01:28:50,000 --> 01:28:52,400
But that has nothin' to do
with this $100 bill in my hand.
1176
01:28:52,400 --> 01:28:55,700
ln fact, you can tell us all
to go fuck off and walk
right out that goddamn door.
1177
01:28:55,800 --> 01:28:57,900
But if you wait 60 seconds
before you do it,
1178
01:28:57,900 --> 01:29:01,400
you're gonna be $100 richer.
1179
01:29:01,500 --> 01:29:03,600
Ted, you're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.
1180
01:29:03,700 --> 01:29:07,200
All we're askin' is that you
indulge us for one minute more.
1181
01:29:07,300 --> 01:29:10,000
My friend Chester here is willing
to pay you for that minute.
1182
01:29:10,100 --> 01:29:13,800
Ted, take the money.
1183
01:29:20,100 --> 01:29:22,900
Now, let me get this straight.
1184
01:29:23,000 --> 01:29:25,700
I sit on that stool, listen
to what you have to say for 60 seconds,
1185
01:29:25,800 --> 01:29:28,800
and I get $100?
Correct.
1186
01:29:28,800 --> 01:29:32,200
And afterwards I can walk out
that door, no hard feelings?
1187
01:29:32,200 --> 01:29:34,200
None whatsoever.
1188
01:29:36,700 --> 01:29:38,600
You got a deal.
1189
01:29:38,700 --> 01:29:42,100
Yes!
Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,!
1190
01:29:42,200 --> 01:29:44,200
Ted, good answer.
Sit right down.
1191
01:29:44,200 --> 01:29:48,200
All right. Leo,
you be the timekeeper.
1192
01:29:48,200 --> 01:29:51,200
Norman, give me
your watch.
1193
01:29:51,300 --> 01:29:56,000
Let me know when a minute ends
and when it begins.
1194
01:29:56,100 --> 01:29:58,100
You got it.
Ah.
1195
01:29:58,200 --> 01:30:00,700
Okay.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
1196
01:30:08,100 --> 01:30:10,500
Begin.
Okay, Ted, pay attention here.
1197
01:30:10,600 --> 01:30:13,400
I'm gonna make two piles here
on the bar. One pile which is yours.
1198
01:30:13,400 --> 01:30:15,900
And another pile
which could be yours.
1199
01:30:16,000 --> 01:30:18,500
And what you have to realize
is we're gonna do this thing...
1200
01:30:18,600 --> 01:30:22,700
one way or the other.
1201
01:30:22,800 --> 01:30:26,800
Whether it's you who holds
the axe or a Mexican maid...
1202
01:30:26,900 --> 01:30:29,700
or some bum
we yank off the street.
1203
01:30:29,800 --> 01:30:32,700
You can buy a whole lot
of soup with that pile.
Shh! I'm the closer here.
1204
01:30:32,700 --> 01:30:35,000
All right. I'm a little me--
Um, l've lost count.
1205
01:30:35,100 --> 01:30:37,300
How much is on the bar here?
Six hundred.
1206
01:30:37,400 --> 01:30:42,500
Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes
the average American to count to 600?
1207
01:30:42,600 --> 01:30:46,700
It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
No, sir.
1208
01:30:46,800 --> 01:30:50,000
About one minute less than
it takes to count to 700.
1209
01:30:50,100 --> 01:30:53,600
Now, Ted, a person's life is filled
with a zillion little experiences.
1210
01:30:53,700 --> 01:30:57,200
Some which are insignificant, have no
meaning, and, you know, you forget them.
1211
01:30:57,300 --> 01:31:01,600
Others which you remember for
the rest of your natural life.
1212
01:31:01,700 --> 01:31:06,400
Now, since what we're proposing
here is so unusual,
1213
01:31:06,400 --> 01:31:09,500
so outside the norm,
1214
01:31:09,600 --> 01:31:13,900
that this is a good bet
that this is going to be one
of those incidents that sticks.
1215
01:31:13,900 --> 01:31:17,900
So, since you're gonna be
stuck remembering this
for the rest of your life,
1216
01:31:17,900 --> 01:31:21,200
you have to decide
what that memory will be.
1217
01:31:21,300 --> 01:31:24,800
So, Ted, are you going to
remember for the next 40 years,
1218
01:31:24,900 --> 01:31:26,800
give or take a decade,
1219
01:31:26,900 --> 01:31:31,300
that you refused $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
1220
01:31:31,300 --> 01:31:36,900
Or that you made $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
1221
01:31:36,900 --> 01:31:38,900
Time!
1222
01:31:38,900 --> 01:31:42,300
So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
1223
01:31:42,400 --> 01:31:45,100
Okay.
Yes!
1224
01:31:45,100 --> 01:31:47,200
Always be closing!
1225
01:31:47,300 --> 01:31:50,300
Whoo!
Right here, right now!
Before I change my mind!
1226
01:31:50,300 --> 01:31:53,000
Hear, hear.
Go. Let's go.
1227
01:31:53,000 --> 01:31:56,700
Get this shit over and done with.
Ahh!
1228
01:31:56,800 --> 01:32:00,000
Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is
one of those moments in time...
1229
01:32:00,100 --> 01:32:03,300
none of us are
ever gonna forget.
1230
01:32:03,400 --> 01:32:06,600
Norman, are you ready?
I'm ready.
1231
01:32:06,700 --> 01:32:10,400
Ted, are you ready?
Ready.
1232
01:32:10,500 --> 01:32:13,500
Okeydokey.
Norman...
1233
01:32:14,700 --> 01:32:16,600
begin.
1234
01:32:17,200 --> 01:32:20,500
Aaah!
1235
01:32:20,500 --> 01:32:22,700
My finger!
My fuckin' finger!
1236
01:32:22,700 --> 01:32:24,700
Chester,
my fuckin' finger, man!
1237
01:32:24,700 --> 01:32:26,700
He cut off my fuckin' finger!
1238
01:32:26,700 --> 01:32:29,500
Oh! It hurts!
1239
01:32:31,600 --> 01:32:34,700
My fuckin' finger, Chester!
He cut off my fuckin' finger!
1240
01:32:34,800 --> 01:32:39,000
Aaah! Oh, Leo!
1241
01:32:46,200 --> 01:32:48,200
Call Cedars, man!
Call fuckin' Cedars!
1242
01:32:48,300 --> 01:32:50,700
Wrap it up! Wrap it up!
1243
01:32:50,700 --> 01:32:54,300
Uh, yes, hi.
Could I talk to Don Levine, please?
1244
01:32:54,300 --> 01:32:59,000
Why'd you let me
do this? Why'd you let me do this?
1245
01:33:02,400 --> 01:33:05,000
What? What do you mean
he's in surgery?
1246
01:33:05,100 --> 01:33:07,700
He was expecting my call.
He was supposed to be there.
1247
01:33:07,800 --> 01:33:11,900
What? Who the fuck has
plastic surgery at 6:30 in
the morning on New Year's Eve?
1248
01:33:16,300 --> 01:33:21,200
Leo! Leo!
I need you to stand still!
I'll be right back! Hold it!
1249
01:33:21,300 --> 01:33:24,500
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
All right!
1250
01:33:24,500 --> 01:33:27,100
Oh! Leo!
1251
01:33:29,700 --> 01:33:31,700
I forgot the finger!
I gotta get the--
1252
01:33:31,800 --> 01:33:33,700
It's the finger!
1253
01:33:39,700 --> 01:33:42,400
I got the finger!
I got it! I got it!
1254
01:33:45,700 --> 01:33:48,000
Here! I got the finger
right here! You're on it!
1255
01:33:48,100 --> 01:33:50,900
Come on, come on!
The fuckin' door's closin'!
1256
01:33:50,900 --> 01:33:53,400
Here. Just put
some fuckin' ice in it.
1257
01:33:53,500 --> 01:33:55,400
All right, let's go.
Let's go! Let's go!
1258
01:33:55,500 --> 01:33:57,400
Let's go! Come on!
Get up, get up!
1259
01:33:57,500 --> 01:33:59,600
I'm gonna go back to my room.
Are you comin' or not?
1260
01:33:59,600 --> 01:34:01,600
No, it's been fun. I'll see ya.
Oh!
1261
01:34:01,600 --> 01:34:03,600
Close the fuckin' door!
1262
01:34:04,600 --> 01:36:04,600
1263
01:36:05,305 --> 01:37:05,428
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