All language subtitles for Ensign Pulver (1964)_Eng

Ensign Pulver (1964)

* Gonna take a
sentimental journey *

* Bo bo bo bom *

* When this stupid war is done *

* Bo bom, bo bom *

* Going where it's leafy,
fresh, and ferny *

* Heading toward
the setting sun *

* Heaven *

* That's the place I'm going *

* Heaven *

* With no simple showing *

* Seven *

* That's the time
the porter'll shake me, but *

* No porter'll have to wake me *

* Bo bo bo bom *

* Never felt so shivery
and dirty *

* Counting white calves
in the fold *

* Sweating out
my sentimental journey *

* Bo bo bo bom *

* Sentimental journey home *

* Sentimental journey home *

* Who's afraid
of the big fat captain? *

* Who's afraid
of the cruddy captain? *

* Who's afraid
of the jerky captain? *

* Everyone aboard, sir *

Now hear this!

* Who's afraid of... *
now hear this!

The captain says there will be
no more singing this evening

because of that song.

That is all.

Now hear this! Now hear this!

Reveille!

I reiterate... reveille!

The captain says, because you
sang that song last night,

there will be no swimming
and no movies for four days.

That is all.

Hit the deck!

Greet the new day!

Up and at 'em!

If he says "rise and
shine," I'm gonna vomit.

Rise and shine!

Gaah!

You awake, Carney?

I must be.

I can smell that
stinking island.

I'm gonna get up.

Hey, Pulver's taking
the mail march today

to pick up our three
bottles of scotch.

Did he make the deal?

Sure. With the admiral's
dining steward,

and cheap... only
75 bucks a bottle.

Mr. Billings, the radio shack

wants you to break an
important message.

Maybe we got a liberty.

Ha!

Yeah, some cruddy island a
thousand miles from here

needs another box
of toothpicks.

Now hear this! Now hear this!

Sick call! Sick call!

Hey, when's he coming?

I got an awful stomach ache.

Doc, I think I got
a fractured rib!

A fractured rib... break
out the aspirin, Payne.

Why the flush of
hypochondriacs?

Cargo work today.

Ship's coming alongside
for supplies.

Okay, let's go!

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Take this $75 over
to Ensign Pulver,

and tell him to get me
two bottles of scotch

instead of one.

Wait a minute.
That's only $65.

Oh, well, I'll put in the
extra 10 bucks, Doc,

if I can have a swig.

I haven't tasted
scotch for two years.

Okay. But just a swig.

Oh, Bacchus, god of alcohol,

coordinate Frank Pulver

and glue him together
for one day, please.

Hey, you sure we can't sell you
another crate of toothpaste?

We're loaded.

We got it coming out
of our ears! Yeah.

Are bras that heavy, Mr.
Pulver?

Only when they're full.

Hey, lieutenant, you
want to swap movies?

We got a new one...

"Young Dr. Jekyll
meets Frankenstein."

We've seen that
one four times.

Yeah, we've seen it eight.

Has he got the booze?

Hey, Doc.

* Passengers will please refrain
from flushing toilets *

* While the train is
standing in the station *

* I love you *

Hello, captain.

What's in the box, mister?

Brassieres, sir.

Brassieres?!

I figure that, uh, Doc could
use them at sick call...

for slings and trusses...
kneepads or something.

Kneepads! Doc, I couldn't
get those kneepads

you asked for, but
brassieres do.

Certainly. That's a fine idea.

Open it.

The men could clean the decks

a lot better kneeling
in brassieres, sir...

Open it up!

Mister, just who do
you think you are?

Ensign Pulver, sir...
laundry and morale officer!

I know that!

I want the name of every man

that ordered a bottle
of that stuff.

Nobody ordered it, sir.
It's for me.

You was gonna drink
all of that yourself?

Yes, sir.

Slowly.

This is a navy ship, mister.

Throw that dirty
liquor overboard.

No!

Goodbye.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Bruno's turn. Bruno's turn.

Be good to me, sweetheart.

What is it? What is it?

It's a 3.

Bruno, give me back my money.

I got it on my pile
before you saw me.

Now this is sucker's monopoly.

You're supposed
to cheat, right?

Right.

You know, John X, you're
not only a radio operator.

You're a big-time operator.
Thanks.

No. No, he means
you're a crook.

Oh, please, gentlemen,
you'll turn my head.

Hey.

Oh, hello, Mr. Billings.
You looking for me?

I ain't got duty till tonight.

I just broke this message.

I figured I'd bring it
down to you myself.

My kid died.

Drowned at Coney Island.

She was only 18 months old, and
I... I never even saw her.

There's more.

"Funeral Saturday.
Please try to come.

All my love, Mary."

"Please try to come"?

The captain might give
you emergency leave.

Sure. Get the Doc
to go with you.

You can pull it off, Bruno.

You're a con man, remember?

And... and besides that,
her parents are dead.

So, you see, all she ever wrote
about was our little girl.

Captain, sir, I wasn't there
when the kid was born,

I wasn't there
when she drowned,

so I just got to be there now,

or else she won't
have anybody.

Sh-she'll be all by herself
at that little funeral.

We've got two more
operators, captain.

And, sir, I could hitch a ride
on one of those transport planes

and get back aboard before
anybody would even miss me.

You ain't going.

This ain't no
kindergarten, junior.

This is the navy. I'm
sorry about your kid.

We'll have a special
chapel ceremony for her.

But Admiral Finchley's
got his eye on us,

and we ain't gonna let
him down, now, are we?

Coleslaw!

How could they do
that to roast beef?

There's a war on. I'm...

the hell with the war,
and the hell with...

Bruno, I think you'd
better go now.

And the hell with
you, too, Doc!

We ain't fighting no war.

We ain't been within 5,000
miles of the enemy.

Nobody needs us. We're a joke!

Captain, my kid died

because I was
delivering potato chips

to some admiral that
don't want any more!

Get him out of here.

You're gonna give me
that leave, captain.

Go back to your duties.

But...

No!

Please, captain.

What did you say?

Please.

Don't pull that stuff on me.

Get him out of here.

I said get him out of here!

Come on, Bruno, let's go.

"Please, sir. Thank you, sir."

Crew's gonna hear
about this, captain.

Every one of them is
a Bruno, you know.

I don't want a crew of whining
sissies with table manners.

I want men!

You've got men!
That's your problem!

If we were in combat,
it would be different.

These men left their
homes to fight,

but they never got
into the war.

They're in limbo, captain,

trapped between heaven and hell
on a floating 10-cent store!

You college officers
make me puke!

Doctor, see that
commander's cap?

I'm gonna be wearing
that pretty soon

if I don't listen to
every crybaby request

that comes from down below.

This ship doesn't
need a foreign enemy.

It's got the domestic
brand aboard.

The only reason I don't take
you by the nap of the neck

and throw you overboard

is that I might need
a doctor someday.

That'll be all!

Ah.

And another fly bit the dust.

Come in.

Oh, I was, uh,
looking for the doc.

Oh, he'll be dropping in.
Stick around.

Um... Billings just told
me about your kid.

And what the captain said.

And I think that's
the dirtiest...

I don't want to talk
about it, Mr. Pulver,

if you don't mind.

Sure.

Sit down.

Did I ever show you
my collection?

Hey. That's a
Japanese bayonet.

My brother John got it

off one of the millions
of guys he captured.

He sent me that Japanese
flag and some fireworks.

I'm saving them to
celebrate V-J day with.

Oh.

My brother George is a
big hero in Europe.

He sent me this German
Luger pistol, see?

I got bullets for it. Look.

Huh?

Now, sometimes I, uh... I
shoot coconuts off trees.

You know, on those islands
where there's nothing to do.

Hey. This is my art gallery.

Uh, Doc calls it the
Sistine Ceiling

because I did it all on my
back like Michelangelo.

Uh, what did you
want to see Doc for?

Uh, to help me word a
message to my wife, Mary...

to tell her why I
can't get home.

Hey, I can help you, Bruno.

No, no. Thanks, Mr. Pulver.

After all, I'm your
morale officer.

Okay, Mr. Pulver.

Yeah.

Um...

How about, "Darling,
they won't let me go.

I love you, John X"?

Yeah.

Sure. That's got class.

Yeah, I never thought you'd...

I mean, she'll like that.

I hid this one
inside my shirt.

No, no.

I wouldn't dare take a drop
of liquor now, Mr. Pulver.

Well, look, anytime
you want it,

you just come right in,

whether I'm here or
not, and have some.

Hey, thanks, Mr. Pulver.
You're a real...

Bruno, did you take
that sedative?

It'll make you sleep.

I don't want to sleep, Doc.

I'm going on duty,
work up a sweat.

Frank!

Frank, I need some of that
alcohol and orange juice

we were drinking last night.

There you are, my
rotgut oblivion.

Frank, couldn't you have
saved at least one bottle

of that scotch for
dear old Doc?

Wish I had the guts

to smuggle Bruno
off this ship.

Somebody's got to
defy that old tyrant.

There hasn't been one gesture
of rebellion or virility

on this ship since
Douglas Roberts left.

Now, wait a minute, Unc.

What about the time old Pulver

threw the captain's palm
trees over the side, huh?

Guess my virility was showing
then, all right, all right.

When you found out
Doug was dead,

you had one healthy
moment of rage.

But, Frank, that
was weeks ago.

What have you done lately?

I've been thinking
about a plan...

to scare the captain so bad

he transfers off this ship...
that's what.

You and your infantile plans.
How?

By putting glass marbles
in his overhead

to roll around all night
and keep him awake?

Or by scaring him with those
legendary Japanese fireworks

that nobody's ever seen?

They're stashed away in
a secret place on deck,

and they're real.

"Scare the captain
off this ship."

Don't dream. Don't dream.

Stop talking like
somebody's father.

What about you? You
don't even dream.

Touché, Frank.
I'm a vegetable.

Eggplants don't
dream, do they?

"And what did you do in
the great war, daddy?"

"I sat on a ship, paralyzed,
and watched men rot."

I'm kaput, but you've
got a potential,

a destructive nature, and
what do you do with it?

Shoot flies with a
piece of lead foil.

A naval officer has to be
an expert at ballistics.

Now watch.

I killed that fly.

You're a hell of a
threat to flies, Frank.

Thought you were supposed
to like me, Doc.

I do. God forgive me, I do.

I just don't understand
how they made you

laundry and morale officer.

I doubt if you've ever
seen the laundry.

I run it from here!

Well, I never did like
being laundry officer.

I'm preparing myself
for bigger things.

Oh.

Is that why you, uh, read
all those dirty books?

They're not dirty books, Doc!

They're great literature
that has dirty passages!

I'm improving my mind.

I can't go home and stand
next to my big-shot brothers

and... face my old man.

Why not?

Are you kidding?

Why, my dad doesn't
even speak to people

unless they're
presidents or something.

I can't get him to notice me.

Here's your lousy mail!

Hey, what's with you?

I didn't get any, if
you want to know.

I'm sorry.

I-it's just that I heard
about Bruno's kid, and I...

Well, I'm not taking any more
from the captain, that's all!

I've had it right up to here!

There's only one
thing left to do.

I'm gonna challenge
that bloody Billings,

and I'm gonna play
acey-deucey all day long!

Ah.

This ship has the
black plague,

and it's spreading
faster than I thought.

"Dear, sir...

"I am a pharmacist's
mate on the ship

"where Mr. Roberts was killed.

"He said, 'if anything
ever happens to me,

"'send these medical
books to Ensign Pulver.

He likes to look at
the dirty pictures.'"

Doug Roberts quit medical school
to fight this stupid war.

Now he's dead, but the
war is still alive.

And so is the captain.

"Dr. Pulver."

Boy, would my father
drop his britches.

Hurry up with that sling!

Quit looking at me like that!

Like what? Like you
were sorry for me!

Why, you conceited
Italian crud!

I wasn't even
thinking about you!

The hell you wasn't!

You guys have been
looking at me

like I was gonna give you
the crutch or something!

John X, you're relieved!

But I want to work! I got to!

You heard me! Go on
back to your quarters!

Hey, dowdy, I think
he was right.

We better do it now.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, come on.

Hey, that's dowdy. Let's go.

Who is it?

Captain, can we
see you a minute?

What's going on here?

Captain, I know
this ain't regular,

but these men here
want me to say

they'll volunteer for extra
duty... anything if...

If what?

Captain, we're asking you to
let John X... I mean, Bruno...

go home for his little
girl's funeral.

Bruno send you up here?

No, sir. He don't
even know about it.

It's just that... well,
this is something

that might have happened
to any one of us,

and it would mean a
lot to the whole crew

if you let him go.

Are you trying to tell
me how to run my ship?

No, captain.

Well, then, get back
to your duties,

and that's an order!

Tell you what I will
do for you, though.

I'll show a movie tonight.
How about that?

Anybody wants to see
that old movie again,

raise their hand.

I'm a-showing that
movie tonight.

And anybody that ain't
there is on report!

Get back to your duties!

It's time, Elman.

It's my fault that John Elman

is going to the electric
chair tonight. What?

Because I was afraid to
let Jimmy tell the truth.

Nancy... you've
got to help us.

He had nothing to
do with the murder.

Doctor, you've got
to do something.

You believe me.

I like this movie better
every time I see it.

Hello? Hello?!

Warden's office.

This is the governor speaking.
Stop the execution!

Yes, sir!

It's... it's too
late, governor.

They've just given
him the first jolt.

Movie over?

For me, it is.

What's all that?

Oh, I borrowed a few
things from sickbay.

I decided to be a
doctor this morning,

so I'm studying anatomy.

What's a "butox," Doc?

A what?

Um...

B-u-t-t-o-c-k-s... "butox."

What's the matter, Doc?
You sick?

The captain's
enthroned up there,

grinning like a Billiken.

The men are sitting around,
hypnotized by despair.

"The skin of the 'butox'
is especially sensitive

between..."

Doc...

Remember what you said about
me never doing things?

Well, this one
I'm going to do.

Look at that.

Lead foil and carpet tacks.

Ol' Pulver's gonna take
these up there now

and shoot the captain
right in the "butox."

I like the part best where they
bring the monster back to life

and then he tries to kill him.

Hey.

Do doctors have audiences
just like actors?

Come on.

Scalpel! Scalpel.

Scissors. Scissors.

Stop watching the
movie, Frank.

Okay, pops.

Put this up your big fat
"butox" and smoke it.

Aah! Aah!

General quarters!
Sound the alarm!

Aah! Aah!

Is starboard left or right?

Which way is the
40-millimeter?!

I don't know! Help!

Everybody's got a
battle station but me!

Ohh! Oh.

All stations report
manned and ready.

Anything wrong, captain?

Hey, where's that
medical kit?!

Where is it? There?

Aah!

All hands manned and ready!

Go on, get up! That way!
Go that way!

All right, let
your pants down.

Which way?!

Go, that's all! Just go!

Where is my battle station?!

I don't know! I can't
even find mine!

Radio room manned and ready.

Radio room manned and ready.

What enemy? Where's the enemy?

Number one manned and ready.

Get on that gun there!

Number two manned and ready.

Are we supposed to be here?

We was here last year.

Number three manned and ready.

Where's the trigger?!

Gunnery department
manned and ready.

Engine room manned and ready.

Engine room manned and ready.

All stations manned
and ready, captain.

What happened, Billings?!

Maybe it's an enemy submarine!

You stupid jerk!

We haven't been within
5,000 miles of a...

what's that?!

Holy crud! Fire!

What's that shooting?

Must be Dr. Hyde
killing Frankenstein.

Oh.

Fire! Fire!

Don't fire that gun! That's
where I hid my fireworks!

No, no, no, no!

No, don't!

Cease fire! Cease fire!
Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Aah!

Bring me that
microphone, Dolan.

Hey.

Hurry up. Sir.

Now hear this!

Now hear this!

Aah-ho-ho!

Aaah!

Did it break the skin?

I think it's lodged
in the brain.

How could it get to the brain?

Oh, that was Dr.
Hyde, captain.

Uh, no, it wasn't. It was Dr.
Jekyll.

I don't care if it
was Harry Truman.

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Was that iodine?

Iodine? Maybe he
stubbed his toe.

Now hear this!

You're going to stay at
them battle stations

till someone owns up to this.

What's he talking about?

You're a bunch of cowards!

I'll take off my bars and
fight any man on this ship.

What are you doing
back there, Doc?

Applying adhesive tape.

I don't like adhesive tape.

Oh. Well, very well.
I'll remove it.

Ohh!

What'd you do that for?

Captain, you said, uh...

Never mind what I said!

You're a doctor, and you
should know what you're doing!

You're a doctor!

You should know
what you're doing!

Who said that?!

Now, you can stop
this clowning around

because I'm gonna find
out who done this

if it takes me the
rest of the year!

Don't make me laugh!

Stop talking back to me!

Now calm down, captain.

Calm down. Those men don't
know what happened.

Here, let me have
that microphone.

Hello. This is the
doctor speaking.

Unfortunately, while our captain
was watching the movie,

someone fired a
lead-foil pellet

which penetrated deep
into his right "butox"...

uh, buttocks.

Hey, did you hear that?

Somebody shot the old
man in the duff!

In my opinion,

this wound, although
colorful, is not serious.

The great damage is not
to the body itself

but to the mind.

Our captain is suffering
from a mild form of shock.

Thank you very much.

I don't care if he keeps us at
battle stations for a week!

It was worth it!

Now hear this!

Due to the fact that
there's a war on

and we got cargo duties,

I'm going to release you
from battle stations.

But don't get no fancy ideas.

I got an enemy
aboard this ship,

and I'm gonna find out who.

Meanwhile, no privileges.
None.

All right, secure from
general quarters.

You did it, didn't you?

Oh, no, you don't.

You did it,

and you're just trying to
throw me off the track

by saying that I did it.

Quiet!

All right, last chance
for the nominations

for the finals tonight.
No cheating.

Cast your vote for the
great ass assassin.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Frank, you have
performed a miracle!

A miracle! A miracle!

Think so? I've been up all
night dissecting this fish.

Fish? What fish?

Frank, we have a united
crew for the first time,

and you did it with
your little slingshot!

Don't you see?

Everybody thinks
everybody else did it,

which means everybody
is a hero!

Swear you'll never let
anybody know it was you.

Why not?

Morale.

This will keep them busy
guessing for months.

Well, what about my morale?

Okay. Blab away. Wave
yourself like a flag.

But stop all this
doctor nonsense!

A real doctor does good to
do good and not for credit!

Okay, I promise. I
won't tell anybody.

Frank, you've just passed your
first test for medical school.

Of course, if somebody
were to guess...

Frank...

Doc, you got to do
something about Bruno.

All these other guys
are flying high,

but he just sits there alone,

looking at his watch

and asking what time
it is in Brooklyn.

And his eyes look
kind of funny, Doc.

I'll be right down.

Mr. Pulver, the crew wanted me

to invite you to the
finals tonight.

You know, for the
great ass-assin.

Gabrowski's got a big crock
of jungle juice fermenting.

The great assassin?

Yeah. The mystery man who
shot the captain in the duff.

Eight jokers already owned up,

but we don't believe
any of them.

So we're gonna vote
on it tonight!

Uh, any special reason
for inviting me?

A very special reason.

For instance.

For instance, we'd like to
have the party in the laundry.

Oh.

Sure.

How about that, huh?

That jungle juice don't
look like jungle juice.

It's jungle champagne.
It's all grape.

Old fermented grape
juice, old raisins,

mildewed grape flakes.

Bicarbonate of soda.

Easy, easy, easy!

Easy, easy, easy!

95%.

Stroke...

Stroke...

Stroke...

Stroke.

Quelle vintage?

All right, you guys,

I'd like to propose a toast

to a great man who
is in our midst.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Here's to the toughest...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bravest...

The sneakiest...

in fact, the biggest hunk
of man on this ship.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lift your cups, everybody.

To the great assassin.

To the great assassin!

Drink to him, Mr. Pulver. He's
a better man than you are.

Uh, who will propose a
toast to Mr. Pulver,

who lent us the laundry?

I'll do it.

To Mr. Pulver.

Mr. Pulver is...

Mr. Pulver.

And when our shorts come back
from the laundry full of holes,

there's a saying on
board the ship...

"boy, that sure
is Pulverized!"

But as an officer,

I'd have to say that
he's probably the most,

uh... Harmless we got on board.

Here's to Mr. Pulver!

To Mr. Pulver!

I want a bike and a train

and skates and a woman!

Sic him, Frank. Sic him.

Careful. Don't let
me break your arm.

Oh!

Look, I'm warning you.

Get him, Frankie baby!
Frankie boy!

Yee-hee-hee-hee! Whee!

Pipe down! We got the
election results!

The identity of the
great assassin,

according to the
consensus, is...

And will remain...

unknown.

Nobody got more
than three votes.

That's why.

See, Frank? They
don't want to know.

The following men got three...

Stefanowski...

the Doc...

Mr. Lasueur... Mr. Carney...

Mr. Billings...

Dolan...

Gabrowski!

You want to make a speech, Mr.
Pulver?

No! No, just a simple request!

Oh, I hope I'm not putting
you to too much trouble!

But it would give me a
great deal of pleasure

if you'd kindly let me
know how many votes I got!

Oh, sure.

Oh, let's see now, uh...

I don't see your name here, Mr.
Pulver.

I guess you didn't get any.

You sure?

Sure.

Then I'd just like to say

that you can all get the
hell out of my laundry!

Now!

Get out!

I'm the laundry officer,

and this place is off-limits
to all personnel except me!

He's only kidding, fellas.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Now get out of
here, all of you!

You ungrateful,
conceited idiots!

Get out!

Oh!

Beat it, you drunks!

Before I put you on report.

Come on.

You heard what the
officer said!

Frank?

You get out, too, Doc!

Sure, Frank.

You look kind of pale
around the gills.

Sure you ain't got no
contagious disease?

No, captain.

I just couldn't seem
to sleep last night.

Well, since you've got to sign

for those laundry
supplies yourself,

I guess I got to let
you go over there.

Be back by 1700.

I told the admiral
we were shoving off.

Aye, sir.

Some engine. Many
planes land here?

Only for refueling.

Like that one.

Probably on the way
to the combat zone.

Are you sure it's safe?

There's no Japanese around?

That's a woman.

No, it's not.

Just another batch
of army nurses.

Don't get your
guts in an uproar.

They only stay for an hour.

What can you do in an hour?

One side.

Careful, careful. Be careful.

What's the matter?

Did you strain
something, lieutenant?

Or is it captain?

I never can tell
with the marines.

It's navy, and I'm an ensign.

Oh.

But just call me "Doc."

Aw, go on.

Don't tell me you're a
doctor, baby-blue eyes.

What are you, an
island doctor?

No. I'm over on the ship.

A battleship?

No. Uh... just a can.

That is, a destroyer.

Just a destroyer?

Oh, girl... girls, we're
right in the thick of it.

Uh, where do you
keep your destroyer?

In the water.

Girls, I want you to
meet a combat doctor.

Doctor, these are my girls.

Well, that is, call
them my girls.

I'm... I'm the head nurse.

Isn't he sweet to be a
doctor on a destroyer?

Well, I'm not the only doctor.

Actually, there
are eight of us.

Uh... I'm just in
charge of anatomy...

backs and things,
stuff like that.

That doesn't look like
a destroyer to me.

Oh, that old bucket?

No. No, that's not my ship.

My fleet's over there
behind those trees.

Girls, let's go see it.

We didn't expect to see
fighting ships this soon.

We just came down
to get refueled.

Hey, Sonny!

We're going over to
take a look at his can!

Don't stay too long, major!

We got to get you off
the ground before dark!

There may be a front moving in!

Yeah, the Japanese
are giving us

a rough time around here.

One front after another.

When he said "front,"
didn't he mean bad weather?

Oh, sure.

Always getting my
fronts mixed up.

Mmm, got kind of a
nice front yourself.

What's your name?

Uh, I'm called Scotty.

Well, I'm Frank.

Scotty, watch out for Frank.

Remember what they told us

about these sex-starved
men in these back areas?

I don't see any fleet.

Neither do I.

Maybe it's farther ahead.

Go on, girls, up
the goat path.

That's... yeah, hurry.

Oh, they're gone.

Well, excuse me, but I
just had to see you alone.

Why?

Well, I just want
to tell you...

What?

Well, not to fall
in love with me.

I mean, even sexually.

No matter what I say or do.

I'm not trustworthy.

For instance...

I'm not a doctor.

I never thought you were.

Oh, but that's not all.

There's... there's not
even a fleet out there.

I'm on that old bucket... the
worst ship in the navy...

and I'm the worst
officer on it.

They all think I'm a jerk.

And I am.

Well, ask the crew or my
father or my brothers.

Ask anybody!

Why did you pretend
you were a doctor?

I don't know.

'Cause that's what I
want to be, I guess.

And because I wanted
somebody in this lousy world

to think I was important.

What's wrong with that?

Huh?

Well, isn't it important
to want to be important?

Look at, um...

Alexander the Great.

He conquered half the world
just to show off to his father.

But he still conquered it.

Oh, you mean after
everything I told you,

you think I could be a doctor?

By rights, you should
be a good one.

You have more people
to prove yourself to

than anyone I ever heard of.

You should cash in on that.

My family's in business.

They say the big trick is to
turn liabilities into assets.

Don't you dare be nice to be.

I tricked you into getting
behind these bushes

and lied to you.

I hope you're not lying now.

Well, no. That's
just an accident.

I just... I just got started

telling the truth
and I can't stop.

Now don't listen to me.

Oh.

And don't let me make a
pass at you, either.

Why not?

Well, because you...

you'd see through my
snow job in a second.

How do you know?

Because I was gonna lay
it right on the line.

I was gonna give
you a hard look,

a blast right in the
eyes, like this.

I was gonna say, "Honey,

"you know what a man's
for, don't you?

Huh?"

I was gonna say sexy,
brutal things like that.

And then I was gonna say...

what's your name again?
Uh... Scotty!

I was gonna say, "Scotty,

you're the most beautiful girl
I've seen in six months."

Mm. Am I?

Well, more than that.

You're the only girl
I've seen in six months.

Then what were
you going to do?

I can't remember.

Why did you let me
get away with that?

'Cause I like you.

Aww.

You just like me for
my liabilities.

Huh?

Aah!

Bruno, take it easy!

Let go! Take it easy.

I ain't getting in no coffin!

Easy.

Bruno, you're
having a nightmare!

A nightmare.

Oh, I thought it was...

Oh, thank God.

Here, swallow some
of that, Bruno.

No, I ain't going
back to sleep ever.

Well, all right, stay
awake and stop beefing.

If this ain't a dream,
what's that noise?

That's nothing, Bruno.
It's just a storm.

Hey, why don't you break out
all the seasick medicine?

We're gonna have a
busy night below.

Take it easy, Bruno.
Come on, get in there.

Attaboy.

Watch your head.

Attaboy. Take it easy.

Here's another.

The hurricane's expected
in this area by 2100.

We better stay put tonight.

Don't tell me what to do!

The admiral wants us at
Apathy Island in five days,

and we're gonna be
there, hurricane or not!

Yes, sir!

Did Bruno take that sedative?

Bruno's not in sickbay, Doc.
Didn't you release him?

No. Say, that man's
in a bad state.

You better get him back here.

Hello, Payne! Hello, Doc!

Hello, Frank.

Doc, I'm not the same
jerk I was last night.

I'm the new Pulver!

What would happen if I
went below right now

and apologized to
the whole crew?

They'd throw up.

Are they that sore at me?

No, they're seasick.

But I've got to show
them I'm different!

I'm not ashamed of
being a jerk anymore.

I'm using it.

That's how I'm gonna prod
myself into being a doctor...

with my liabilities.

Where the devil is Payne?

Thanks for listening, Doc.

Two days ago, you saved
the life of this ship.

Then last night,
you cocked out.

There's a Chinese
proverb about that.

It says, "if you once
save a man's life,

you're responsible for
it as long as he lives."

Even if he commits murder,
it's you're fault, too.

Yeah? Yes.

So, while you're reforming...

Doc! He's not in the
crew's quarters.

What?!

Look, go get dowdy

and tell him to form a
detail to search this ship.

That man could anything
in the state he's in.

Who? Maybe I better
go with you.

But I didn't tell
you about Scotty!

I hope her plane's all
right in this storm.

We're not making any
headway at all, captain!

You just stick to that
course and stop beefing.

I'm going to my cabin,

and I don't want to
be disturbed once

till reveille tomorrow
morning, except an emergency.

Holy crud.

What do you think
you're doing?

Bruno, put that gun down and
we'll forget all about it.

You've got my word. Just
put it there on the desk.

Bruno.

For god's sake, it ain't
my fault your kid died.

Bruno.

Bruno, give me back the gun!

Don't worry, captain,
it's not loaded.

What?!

It's not loaded!

Why, you...

okay, captain,
you're safe now!

Oh, boy!

Hey, somebody down
there help me!

Here, get Bruno to
the doc, quick!

Yes, sir!

Captain?! It's okay!
He's gone!

Captain?

Captain?

Captain!

Help! Man overboard!

Captain, look behind you!

Behind you!

Can't you swim?!

You stupid jerk, you're
gonna drown like that!

Oh, I'm gonna hate
myself for this.

I feel so stupid.

Where are we?

Well, up the creek,
captain, without a paddle.

How much water we got?

Well, enough for about
a month, I guess.

I ain't figuring on being
out here no month,

not with some young punk that
thinks he saved my life.

"Thinks"?

Captain, I not only
saved your life,

now I'm responsible for it.

Nobody asked you to
jump off that ship!

Stuck out in the
middle of the pacific

with a rock around my
neck, and I put it there.

Don't worry, mister.

The navy's probably
got planes and boats

out searching for
us right now.

I could just see that ship,

men running all over the deck,

telescopes, signal flags.

We lose anything in the storm?

Nothing important.

Uh, how's Bruno?

I was with him all night.

He can't remember a thing
since 5:00 yesterday.

I got Payne watching him.

Where you going?

To lock horns with
the captain again

about getting Bruno a leave.

He gave orders not
to be disturbed!

Hey, hey, watch it, Doc.
He'll blow a fuse!

My pleasure.

Captain!

Captain, are you awake?

Holy...

His bunk hasn't been slept in.

He wasn't on the
bridge all night.

Could he be below?

We just covered the ship.

Which brings us to the only
happy solution to the problem.

What's that, Doc?

He fell overboard.

Oh! What a sense of humor.

I can't understand the
navy leaving the captain

of an important vessel sitting
out here all this time.

Sure wouldn't happen in
the merchant marine.

Well, how often did
you fall overboard

in the merchant marine?

I didn't fall!

That maniac Bruno
tried to kill me.

When I get back,
he'll hang for this.

Look, a medical
handbook and a log.

I'm gonna put down
everything that happens,

like an experiment.

I don't need rabbits or
Guinea pigs. I got us.

Guinea pigs?!

Sure, for the
medical profession.

For posterity.

For the reader's digest.

Boy, will my brothers
take a back seat.

I was wrong about the navy.

Here comes our plane now!

Yoo-hoo! Here we are!

Here we are!

Hey! Here we are!

Yoo-hoo!

Sit down, captain!
They can't see us!

Look down, stupid!
Here we are!

They can't see you!

Aah!

He's an officer in the
United States Navy.

He couldn't fall overboard!

Well, he sure ain't
on this ship.

Hey, maybe he was on the raft
that blew over last night.

It's listed on the
storm damages.

Missing... three fire buckets,

one life raft,
one boat hook...

One captain.

Somebody must have seen him.

Did you check with
all the officers?

All except Mr. Pulver.

Yeah, we're giving him
the silent treatment.

Come on, Billings. Let's
get on that radio.

You notify the navy.
I'll notify Frank.

Who's gonna notify the sharks?

Frank!

Frank.

Frank.

Have you told the navy
the captain's missing?

Yes. Why?

Because I got a P.S. for you.

"It is now the fourth day

"since the captain began
to look truly disgusting.

"'Sweat'... Uh, " perspiration
has temporarily stopped.

"Could this be due

"to the malfunction
of one of the glands?

"Perhaps the, uh...

Sweat gland?"

Ah.

Ah. "As for the splotches

"that broke out
on his forehead

when he ate that ugly-looking
fish I caught..."

Um...

They're still very pronounced.

It's more of a purplish color.

Possibly due to, uh...

Dead blood.

"Sometimes he seems delirious.

"Example... while talking
in his sleep, he said,

"'Kiss me, Aunt Martha, ' in
a small, guttural voice.

"He also made the same
request of his cousin Tilly.

"Now, these are
obviously the ravings

of a very disturbed
and dirty mind."

Stop writing in that book!

"His voice is growing weaker."

I can yell louder than you
can, you little crud!

"His irritability
is increasing."

I'm not a little crud, pops!

My irritability's increasing.

Stop writing in that book!

I'm writing facts that may
save millions of lives.

You should be proud...
your name's in the title.

I call it, simply...

"The death of Captain Morton."

"The death of..."
why, give me that!

You touch this book, daddy
boy, and you'll regret it.

Those sharks were around this
morning while you were asleep,

and I pulled your hand
out of the water.

I might just forget next time.

Don't fight it, pops.
You're gonna be famous.

How many guys get a
chance to die on paper?

I am not dying!

The navy's called off
the rescue planes.

And, Mr. Lasueur, you're
still commanding officer.

Doc, Bruno wants
to speak to you.

Doc, can I go back on duty?

I got to do something.

Even a mental nut can
work cargo, can't he?

Wait outside a minute, Bruno.

You too, shorty.

Gentlemen, the gods have given
this ship a short reprieve.

By tomorrow morning, the
captain may be back aboard.

But the navy's given
them up for lost.

The navy doesn't
know its captain

from a hole in the ground,

and you, evidently,
don't know Pulver.

The captain's coming back.
I can feel it in my bones.

And I'm going to bring this
ship to life before he does.

Doc, I never heard
you talk like this.

Oh, yes, you have. I've
talked all my life.

But this time, with
your permission,

old Doc is gonna do something!

Bruno!

Bruno!

Yes, sir.

Our captain here just told me
that he's issuing orders...

for you to...

hitch a ride on that
plane back to the states

for a seven-day leave
with your wife.

Well? You heard
what the doc said.

Go pack your gear.

Oh.

I'm going home!

I'm going home!

Now hear this! Now hear this!

This is your commanding
officer speaking.

The following
changes of orders

will be strictly and
rigidly observed.

On or about 1400 hours today,

this ship will
leave this island

and proceed to Elysium
island for cargo assignment.

While in that port,

all members of this crew
will take full advantage

of the liberty privileges
on this island!

Wearing shirts is not
mandatory on deck.

Swimming hours
commence immediately.

In the meantime,

get your tails off the deck

and make hay while
the sun shines!

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number two, and
I'm drunker now than you *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over *

* Drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Now this is number three,
now we're really on a spree *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

So long, fellas!

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number four *

* And I'm passed
out on the floor *

Come on! Your boat's leaving!
Get going!

So long!

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number seven, and
I'm sailing up to heaven *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

What the hell is happening?

Metamorphosis.

Vegetables are
turning into men!

* ...the girls will
have to wait *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number nine, now
I'm really feeling fine *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over, drunk or sober *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Oh, this is number 10, and
we're starting over again *

* Roll me over, give me a
beer, and do it again *

* Roll me over *

* In the clover *

* Roll me over,
give me a beer *

* And do it again! *

For the last time, captain,
lay off of the water!

You can have rations
when I give them to you,

and that's an order!

I'm the captain from now on.

You little punk.

You ain't nothing, and
you never will be.

You ain't half the
man my son was.

You know what happened to him?

Got a fancy job,
saved his money,

and bought a house and tried
to give it to me to retire in.

You know what I done?

Picked him up by the
scruff of the neck

and throwed him out
through the door.

You never told me
you had a son.

I ain't got no son!
I throwed him out!

That's what I'll
do to you, too.

You try to give me rations
like they was a handout...

Don't you threaten me, pops.

I was tougher than you are
when I was 7 years old.

My mother used to work as...

As a chambermaid

for a guy who thought he
could give me things.

He offered me toys

so I wouldn't squeal
on him to his wife.

One morning, he came out
of my mother's room,

and he said,

"here's a little
sailboat for you, kid."

Say, "please, sir.
Thank you, sir."

"No, you can't have it
till you say please."

Then my mother came out,
knelt down, and whispered...

she said, "for the
love of god, honey,

say 'please' or mama
will lose her job."

I kicked him in the shins,

run upstairs, and told
it all to his wife.

And he threw me and my mother
and what few things we had

right out in the
middle of the street.

Standing there, holding
on to my mother's hand,

I decided I was gonna
become so important

that I'd never have
to say "please"

or "thank you" to
no living soul.

Then I went to sea and
worked like a dog

and finally done all
right for myself.

War come along and made
me more important.

Never got no sailboat, but...

I got me a ship.

And a commander's cap
a-waiting for me.

Think you're tough?

Think you can give me orders?

You wait, pops. We'll
see who's tough.

You can have a
swig of water now.

I don't need it now.

My wife left me and...
and then...

Keep talking.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Think about nice things.

Think about women.

Like the day my
teacher caught...

caught the girl at the
desk in front of me

rubbing my leg
with a big eraser.

It wasn't my fault.

They was all loose women.

All of them.

Who, the art teacher?

No.

The neighbor women
after my wife left.

They kept winking at me and...

Getting me all stirred
up, and then...

And they blamed me
for what happened.

Someday, I'm gonna...

Go back to that town sober,

and I'm gonna show
them a thing or two.

I thought... I thought you
told me you never took a drop.

Stop spying on me.

Are you afraid of
drink, captain?

I'm not afraid of
drinking or leching...

Or any kind of weakness.

Give me that book!

Give me that...

Give me that book!

Ohh!

"An interesting
turn of events.

"The captain...

"Is a compulsive woman-chaser.

"That's why he won't
touch liquor.

He's afraid of his feelings."

Wake up, pops!

We're dead!

Unh! Ohh!

[ Speaking native language ]

Kava.

"Kava"?

[ Speaks native language ]

You sure that
stuff's not poison?

You're not friendly with the
Japanese or anything, are you?

Where is this island, anyway?

Gramus.

Gramus.

Okay, boys.

Gramus. Gramus. Gramus.

Holy crud!

What do you ferment? People?

You make stronger jungle juice

than they did on
the ship, honey.

Oh, um...

Ma'am, do you have a
boat around here?

Um, boat.

No. Uh...

We got to get
back to our ship.

No, stop that. Um...

My fat friend is sick.

"Friend"? What am I saying?

[ Shouting in native language ]

Jesus want me for a sunbeam

to shine for him each day.

Ah.

Apples bright, apples
are rosy and red,

but turned into cider
are humble instead.

Me father learn
from missionary.

Me teach her.

Apples bright... loga!

You swim all way
from airplane?

Airplane? Where?

Over there.

It must have ditched
in the storm.

It didn't crash.

Ah.

All the life rafts
seem to be gone.

You sure there's no American
soldiers around here?

No.

Who lives on that island?

Wild pigs.

Loga!

Can pigs build fires? Huh?

Come on.

Now, come on...
one side, girls.

Mother has work to do.

Come on, babies.

Scotty!

Scotty.

Is that a... a boat?

Be careful! They may
be fierce savages!

Anybody here?! We saw
your fires and...

oh, no.

Oh, yes!

Scotty! Ha ha!

It's Frank!

Scotty!

For crying out loud.

Oh, no, no. Impossible.

It's too grotesque.

Hiya, buster. Welcome
to paradise island.

Now, what can we do for you?

"We"?

Sure. Me and my girl here.

Me Tarzan, her Jane.

Me cheeta.

We saw the other nurses
being picked up by a ship.

The storm was so heavy,
they couldn't see us.

And there were no
more rubber rafts.

And I don't know... if it
wasn't for stretch here...

Gee, we owe our lives to you.

Stretch is really remarkable.

You should see how
he ditched the plane

in the middle of a hurricane.

Stop bragging about me.

I still haven't got
this radio to work.

Hey, wasn't there
a Pulver with me

in the all-American lineup
a couple years back?

Yeah, there were two of them,

and they're both my brothers.

Your brothers?

Those two bruisers?

Aw, come on.

Mayday! Mayday!

This is 8-0.

Do you read me, over?

8-0, I read you, over.

We made contact! Get
over here, Pulver!

Come on! On the double!

This is Captain Donald Zimmer.

There are five of us
marooned on this island.

I can't give you the
exact location,

although it should
be approximately...

3 degrees 17 minutes
south latitude.

Stop poking me!

I'm trying to find
out something.

158 degrees east longitude.

Ohh!

What are you trying to do?

Temper, poopsy, temper.

Did you say 1-5-8?

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right.

Scotty, I'm afraid it's
what we thought it was.

Oh, no. Stretch,

tell them to send
a doctor, quick!

Find out if there's a ship
in this area or a seaplane.

There's no airstrip.

No, the sea's too rough.
It'll have to be a ship.

Tell them to get a
doctor here at once.

We have a man who needs
immediate attention.

Will the doctor please report

to the radio shack
immediately?

Will the doctor please report

to the radio shack
immediately?

On the double, Doc!

Stand by. Here he comes.

Hello, Bruno. How
was your leave?

Boy... I can't talk
to you now, Doc.

Here he is.

Come on, Doc. Sit down.

What?

Hello, Doc?

Well, go on... answer it.

Hello, who...

no, no, no., hererehe.

Oh.

Hello. Who's speaking?

Well, what do you know?
Hiya, Doc! This is me!

Who?

Me, Frank!

Frank?

Pulver!

Holy... fr... Frank,
where are you?

We're on this pig island!

Commser Force put us
in contact with you.

You must be somewhere
in the area

but not close
enough to get here.

The head nurse says
it's an emergency, see?

The captain has
acute appendicitis.

We have some equipment here,

but... but we haven't
got a doctor.

What should we do?

Isn't the navy
sending any help?

Yes, but she says somebody

has to operate on
him right away.

There's danger of periton...

you know!

...tonitis.

Well, she'll just
have to do it.

She can't. She's
got a broken arm.

Who else is there?

Another nurse.

She'll help, but that's all.

Then there's this pilot.
What about him?

Well, he doesn't
approve of surgery.

He says it can be
fixed by exercise.

Anybody else?

Me.

Doc, you still there?

Uh, yes, Frank.

Doc, I figured you and me

might try it together
if we could just...

if we could just
keep radio contact.

I've got a whole surgical
kit from their plane,

except for ether.

Well, the cans got punctured.

Then you'll just have
to get him drunk.

Frank, are you still there?

I said, "get him drunk."

That's what I thought
you said, Doc.

Oh, boy.

Hey! What are all these
people doing here?

Many people come!

Bring special gift from chief.

Oldest kava on the island.

Loga!

Very strong. What's in it?

First, we put in many dead
things from the sea...

fish heads, fish guts, frog.

Then we leave in
sand long time.

Aha!

Smell.

Hey. Shadrach,
Meshach, and Abednego.

More bad, more good.

Also, a special
herb kill pain.

Feel nothing at all in body.

What are you talking
about over there?

Get it ready.

Yeah. I think he'll need
about three of these.

Three, hon. Three.

You think you're gonna cut
me open, don't you, mister?

Yes, captain.

Well, I got something
to say about that.

No, you don't. You just
lie there and shut up.

And stay alive.

Boy, if you die on me,
you'll live to regret it!

You talk big, mister.
But you're scared.

So are you, and you better be.

This is a very
dangerous thing!

Then what makes you
think you can do it?

You might kill me. Did you
ever think about that?

Well, that's just the
chance we've got to take.

You're the miserable monster
of the world, captain,

but you're my responsibility.

Like it or not.

[ Man shouting in
native language ]

What is it? What's
going on here?

It's a lovely party with
coconut punch and everything.

Look, just like they serve
at don the beachcomber's.

Here, you even
have a gardenia.

Now, you keep smelling that.

Is there any liquor in it?

Where would these innocent
natives find liquor?

It's got lovely herbs and things
to keep you from hurting.

Now open your mouth,
close your eyes.

We'll all be in for
a big surprise.

Come on.

Keep your clammy hands off me.

Then open your big fat mouth.

Did you say something?

It tastes like dead frogs.

That's what it is.

You need a little more.

More. Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

What is it, Frank?

Did you hear the way
he was yelling at me,

the old goat?

He was just testing
you, Frank.

He doesn't think I can do it.

Well, nobody does.

There isn't anybody around
here who thinks I can!

Well, aren't you gonna say
you think I can do it?

No. I'm not going to say that.

It doesn't matter what
anybody thinks... or feels.

Except you.

Is Doc on?

I'm here, Frank.

We're just about all set here.
How you feeling, Doc?

In all honesty, not
so good, Frank.

How's he, uh, taking
the anesthetic?

Just a minute.

Couldn't you and me
go someplace quiet?

You know, you are
absolutely pagan?

Madam? Mm?

Would you be kind enough

to squeeze me some more
of that frog juice?

Hold your horses, Bacchus.

Does that hurt?

I can't tell yet.

Do it around some
other places.

The patient is ready, doctor.

Okay, Doc, he's crocked.

Here we go.

Good lord.

I have a bigger audience
than young Dr. Jekyll.

Now hear this!

The captain just
took the painkiller.

It's some kind of
native concoction.

Okay, we'll let you listen in.

Good luck.

Good luck, Frank.

Yes, good luck.

Good luck, twerp.

Good luck to you, pops.

Okay, Doc, begin.

One minute, Frank.

Ah-ha!

Now you are going to make
McBurney's incision...

from the pubic symphysis
to the iliac crest,

2/3 from the umbilicus.

I know. She has it all
marked out in lipstick.

You mean from here to here.

I dearly hope so.

Now make one single
light, firm stroke.

Ah.

Why, that's perfect, Frank.

He feel that?

* Oh, we are the joy
boys of radio *

* Oh, ho ho, ho ho hoo *

Frank, are the nurses
using hemostats?

Yes.

* Oh, my darlin' *

* Oh, my darlin' *

* Oh, my darli... * shut up!

I beg your pardon?

Now the peritoneum.

And now the peritoneum?

Yes, make the identical
cut in the peritoneum.

Be sure not to go too deep!

And tell the nurses to
use the retractors.

They are.

Now you've... now you've got
to go through the omentum.

That's right.

Ahh!

Are the nurses
still helping you?

Yes.

Okay, Doc, now,
where's the appendix?

I can't quite figure
out where it is.

Doc?

What happened?

I don't know, Doc.
We lost contact.

Well, get it back, quick!

Mr. Pulver, can you hear me?

Doc?! * we are the joy boys... *

Shut up, you! Doc!

Wake up, idiot, and get
back on that radio!

Mr. Pulver, can you...

Pulver, can you hear me?

Yes, I hear you.

Go ahead, Doc.

Now, do you see
the protrusion?

Uh-huh.

That's the appendix.

Is there any sign
of a rupture?

No.

No.

Good. Now...

Very carefully tie the
appendix off at the stub.

Right. Got it.

Gently... gently... elevate

and cut between the
tie and the appendix.

I'm doing it.

Carefully cradle
it out, Frank.

The appendix is out, Doc.

Nice going, Doc! You did it!

No! No! Quiet!

Quiet! It's not finished yet.

Frank, how's the
patient doing?

The pulse and respiration
are satisfactory.

Apparently, he's
feeling no pain.

You're not feeling
no pain, huh, honey?

He's okay, Doc.

All right. Now sprinkle sulfa
powder around the area

and sew up the peritoneum.

Suture. Suture.

Suture.

Sponge. Sponge.

Sponge.

Alcohol. Alcohol.

Would never touch it.

Sterilize the marbles.

Sterilize the marbles.
Sterilized.

Doctor, what are you
doing with those ma...

take those marbles
out of that man!

They're pure sterilized glass.

Dr. Hyde said a human body
can retain sterilized glass.

Isn't that right, Doc?

Right!

I told you to take those
marbles out of that man's...

leave them in there, Frank!
They'll make a wonderful sound.

Doctor, when this war is over,

I'm gonna report you to the
American Medical Association.

And you know what I'm
gonna do to you?

No, you're not. She's
not your type.

Oh, no, a promise
is a promise.

Take them out, Frank.

Take that last one out, too.

That's not a marble.

You're damn right it ain't.

Oh.

Okay, it's done.

Good. Now sew up the
outer incision, Frank.

I'm sewing.

Okay, it's finished.

Thank you, Doc.

Whoopee!

[ Chanting in native language ]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Now hear this! Now hear this!

All personnel form
on the quarterdeck

for the official welcome.

The captain will be back
on board momentarily.

All right, you jailbirds,
recess is over.

That is all.

You gonna see your
nurse after the war?

Gonna marry mine.

Captain, we'll be
there in a second.

You haven't let me
talk to you since...

since the operation.

I got nothing to say to you

except on official business.

But you haven't
listened to anybody.

Why, you don't even know
what happened that night...

who told me how to
operate or anything.

You were so full of
that coconut stuff,

you wanted to grab all the
women on the island and...

now you shut up!

The admiral's doctor said
you've done a fair job.

That should be enough for you.

Why did they keep them in
the hospital so long, Doc?

Convalescence, observation.

All right, dress up left.

What's it gonna be like
with him back, Doc?

God knows.

Ship's company... attention!

Hand salute!

Welcome aboard.

At ease!

Well, a lot's happened
in the last eight weeks,

but the less said about
that, the better.

We learned a lot
about survival.

It'll be of great
help to the navy.

But remember...

Ensign Pulver and me
will answer no questions

about our experiences.

Well, I guess
that's about all.

Unless you have something
to say, Mr. Lasueur.

Well, there is one
thing, captain.

This memorandum came
from the bureau.

Admiral Finchley sent it over
by launch with a little note,

instructing me to give you this
the moment you came aboard.

Ship's company... attention!

This is no time or place
for presentations.

Well, I guess the admiral figured
the men would get a kick

out of seeing their captain
become a commander.

Mm.

Sure.

All right, Dowdy.

The crew would just
like me to say,

well, let bygones be bygones.

Crews and captains
sometimes have frictions,

but when you were in
trouble, captain,

we were rooting for you,

and we're glad you
pulled through.

And we'd all be mighty proud
to see you put that cap on.

Just put it on.

I hope nobody thinks that
exposure to the elements...

A minor operation has changed
me into somebody else.

I'm the same guy,
only stronger.

The admiral says I can keep
my ship till the war's over.

Bruno!

Bruno!

Oh, for cripes...

uh, I'm sorry, sir.

I just had a radio message for
Seaman First Class Bruno,

and I forgot that you...

It's nothing.

Hold on.

Is that message an emergency?

Not exactly.

It's, uh... just that John
X is gonna have a baby.

I mean, his wife is
gonna have a ba...

hey, that's great!

Another bambino!

Hold on. Attention!

Did you wrangle a leave
while I was gone?

No, sir, I... I went AWOL.

How long were you away?

Oh, long enough, I guess, sir.

Captain, he didn't go A.W.O.L.
I signed his orders.

At the insistence of
the ship's doctor.

You, huh?

Well, Doc, this time you've
gone a step too far.

You knew how I felt about
him getting leave.

'Course, captain.

But as a doctor,

I wasn't much interested
in how you felt, sir.

I was interested
in how he felt.

What else has been
going on here?

Shore parties and swimming?

Yes, captain, we've
been raising hell.

And yet we've done more cargo
work than ever before.

Are you trying to suggest

that my ship's been
better off without me?

No, indeed.

That's your suggestion,
captain, not mine.

Maybe this ship would be
better off with a new doctor.

How do you like that
for a suggestion?

That's up to your
usual standards, sir.

Mr. Lasueur!

Bruno is restricted to the
ship, pending court-martial.

Dolan, come to my cabin.

Start the paperwork on him.

Also, type out the
doctor's request

for a transfer.

Just a minute, Lasueur.

I'd like to talk to him first.

Bruno, Doc, could
you come with me?

Come in, Dolan.

I want you to start some
court-martial proceedings.

Well, captain, before you
start anything like that,

I think you should know I'm not
the one who saved your life.

Well, Doc here
told me what to do

over the radio, step by step.

Wait a minute.

And Bruno kept radio
contact the whole time.

Now, if it wasn't
for these two men,

you'd be dead right now.

And it wasn't only them.

Why, any man in
the radio shack

could have pulled a wire
or kicked out a plug.

But nobody did.

Now, you weren't
in any condition

to know it at the time...

shut your mouth about that!

It was an emergency.

Everybody did what
he had to do,

and that's all.

And now I've got things to do.

Get out!

You better go while the
going's good, captain.

It isn't safe for
you on this ship.

No, nobody's gonna
kill you, but...

But you can't stay
alive here...

While looking at me every
day and Doc and Bruno

and all the other guys who saw
under your guts that night.

I don't know what you're
talking about, mister.

Yes, you do.

I'm the guy on the raft
with you, remember?

Look, it's all here,
everything you said and did,

all the things
you're afraid of.

Oh, you were just as crazy
with the heat as I was.

Nobody would pay any attention

to what you scribbled
on that raft.

Wouldn't they? Nobody?

Well, what do you
want for that?

A transfer?

No, I... I just want to stay
on the ship and work with Doc.

Oh, I... I see. You...
you want a promotion.

You want a citation,

so your father and
your brothers

can read about
it in the paper.

I don't want a
citation, captain.

I'd look stupid
with a Navy Cross.

Well, what are you
going to do with that?

I'm gonna give it to you.

Oh, I forgot.

You can't take
presents, can you?

All right.

Don't worry. I won't
tell anybody about it.

You've got my word.

It'll be a kind of
professional secret.

What do you want
from me, mister?

I can't change.

For god's sake,

don't ask me to be something
different than...

than what I am.

You want me to say...
to say thank you?

All right.

No, captain! I don't
want anything from you!

I just want to help you.

Why?

Because...

Well, I've got to.

Because it'll
always be this way.

There'll never be any reward.

It'll just be the
next thing to do.

Get off this ship, captain.

You're dying to be a nice guy

and say thank you
to this whole crew.

But you can't, can you?

And if you don't,

it's gonna pump up
into your throat

until it chokes you to death.

Come back here, mister!

You can't talk
to me like that!

You can't talk to me...

ship's company... attention!

Hand salute!

Ho!

Captain, may we present you
with your commission pennant?

She's your ship...

Captain.

Goodbye, doctor.

Goodbye, captain.

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to him.

Man the rail!

Ship's company... hand salute!

Tow!

Shove off.

Shove off.

Oh, god, how he hates
to leave this ship.

Then why did he ask to leave?

Admiral Finchley didn't
request his transfer.

The captain asked
to be transferred

to the admiral's staff.

He typed out the
request himself.

Wouldn't even let Dolan do it.

How do you know?

Because Dolan steamed
the letter open,

like all good yeomen.

Captain Morton got
himself transferred

off this ship for
one reason...

so he wouldn't have
to say thank you

to the men who saved his life.

That's not true.

He's saying thank you
now, big brain...

The only way he knows how...

by leaving the ship he loves.

This is the guy that was gonna
put marbles in his overhead.

He was even gonna leave
them in his belly.

Oh, now wait a minute. Oh, no.

No, I distinctly
heard the head nurse

tell you to take them out.

I put them back.

Well, I'll be a
bobtailed bastard.

Genius. Absolute genius.