Original subtitles

BARBARA: Oh, my God! Why?! Why did you do this?!

- I didn't mean to! You kept telling me to pull harder!

- I didn't mean to break me, you dumb piece of shit!

Now Dan is definitely gonna know you snooped!

- Did you...

- What?

- Did you fucking do that on purpose?

- Wha...? Oh, my God, Cody.

Why would I have you break me on purpose?

So that Dan would come home from work

and realize you're a crazy, jealous bitch

and break up with you, and then we'd live happily ever after?

[laughs] Yeah, I did it on purpose.

- Well, great plan, man. 'Cause now you're all jacked up,

so he might break up with me, but he's gonna throw you away,

so you fucked both of us.

- Have you met Dan? He doesn't care.

For him, it's just another hole to fuck.

["Little Hypocrite" by Alice Bag playing]

You're seriously going to all this trouble to keep Dan?

Why?

- 'Cause I love him? - [laughs] "Love him."

How do you fucking know you love him?

- I don't know, man, I ju...

Like, I don't know, we fart in front of each other.

We... both like to watch movies with the subtitles on.

Whatever. - Wow, wow, that sounds super deep.

- Fuck off, Barbara. You know, you call yourself a feminist,

but you hate other women. - What?

No, I love other women.

I just hate you.

- But you are me!

- No, I'm not. I'm not you. Ugh!

Phone, play "Doll Parts" by Hole.

["Doll Parts" playing] Yeah, I fucking love this song.

[turns off music] - Okay, see?

You just proved my point a-fucking-gain.

We're the same person. I love this song.

You sound different to me, 'cause I'm going fucking crazy,

but in reality I'm just sitting in my car,

having a conversation with myself, and I just told

my phone to play "Doll Parts" by Hole, so...

["Doll Parts" playing] Goddamn it.

[turns off music] - You know what? You are the shitty feminist.

I hear you doing all types of, like, rape roleplay,

you twisted little bitch. - Okay. That, you know...

Roleplay, like... that's a consensual...

And-and a woman can be submissive in bed

and, like, not be, like... - "Ooh, Daddy, it hurts!

Daddy, I'm Cody. Ooh, it hurts." - Okay.

All right. When we do that, it's, you know...

it-it is a fictional roleplay universe...

You know what, whatever, man. It doesn't mean

I want to fuck my real dad. - Wow. Okay,

I didn't actually think you wanted to fuck your real dad

until you just said that. Now I'm like,

oh, my God, you want to fuck your real dad.

Is he, like, hot or something?

- You're so annoying. - [laughs] I'm annoying?

Dan and I had a good thing going and we were super happy,

and you came and you screwed everything up!

Ugh! We all know you're just dating Dan

because he's, like, a genius writer,

and you're hoping it'll somehow rub off on you.

But it won't... - ♪ They really want you ♪

♪ They really do ♪

♪ Yeah, they really want you ♪

♪ They really want you ♪

♪ And I do, too. ♪

BARBARA: I want a green juice.

- Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you're plastic.

- Your hands are clammy.

Ow! You're hurting me!

- Oh, no.

- You're such, like, "mean mom" vibes.

Oh, my God, Cody.

Don't look now, but look now.

Don't look now, but look now.

The redhead.

She's fucking disgusting. Ew.

Girl, you're looking gorgeous.

Keep rocking that wig.

[tapping desk bell] - Hello?

- [laughs] Bet he's totally jerking it back there.

- Who? - The repairman.

- How do you know it's not a repairwoman?

- [sputters, snorts]

You're so cute. You're so, like, of the moment.

I really am gonna miss you when Dan breaks up with you.

♪ He's jerkin' off, he's jerkin' off ♪

♪ He's jerkin' off in the back of the store. ♪

- Hey. Sorry about that.

I hope you weren't waiting long.

Did you hear anything?

- See? I told you. - Excuse me?

- No, I was just in the back making a repair to a doll, and I

was wondering if you heard the sound of me making the repairs.

- See? - Yeah, I didn't hear anything, so, you know,

for the future, like, you don't have to ask that question.

- Oh. A lesson learned.

I am Stu. How can I help you?

- Yeah, I just need to get that fixed.

- Yikes. That is nasty.

- You're nasty, dicklick.

- You know, actually, I think it would be faster

and cheaper just to get a new one.

- What? No, no, it's, um...

it's my boyfriend's, and he can't know about this,

so, you know, it would have to look exactly like her,

and I know she's, like, a... special one-of-a-kind order.

- Wait, that one? - Yeah.

- No, no. That's a Kayla. - A what?

- That's a Kayla. That's a standard midrange model.

- That's not true. - They discontinued those years ago

due to lack of interest. - No. He's a fucking liar.

- Shame. - I'll tell you what, we have a bunch of 'em still in stock.

Maybe you just get a new one. They're on sale.

- Great. - What? - Although...

I'm just thinking about your situation.

- What's wrong?

- I don't know, it's just...

she's really worn out.

I think your boyfriend is

definitely gonna notice the difference.

Would you mind if I...? - Please.

- Okay, this is just... - Great.

BARBARA: Ow!

Okay, guys, my tits are chilly in here.

If anyone happens to have a light cardie.

STU: See, silicone isn't that different

from flesh, really.

Like, time just takes its toll.

- Yeah. - Look at these fingers right here, can you see these?

These are sort of... - Oh, Jesus.

- Yeah, they're kind of melty. - Gross. - Melty?

No, no, no. - Yeah, well, you know, this is the thing,

they're only really designed to last ten years,

and so if you do the math, she's a MILF.

- Fuck off, Stu. - But...

too old, too old to be a mother.

So I guess, like, a GILF or something.

- Okay, I'm actually unable to conceive naturally, so the fact

that you'd even bring that up around me is very triggering.

- Let me get serious here for a second.

Let's take a look. - Ew. What is he doing?

- Okay. - Oh, my God! Ew! Get out of there, perv!

- We got stage five vaginal stressing.

- Okay, Cody, look, I know we never established a safe word,

and that is totally my bad-- we absolutely should have talked

about it-- but, like: safe word.

- Left labia completely blown out.

- Okay, Cody, we can stop now. - Now, the hair is easy,

because we can just... - I'm actually really starting to freak out.

Oh! My beautiful hair!

- Yeah. Pops right off. Easy peasy.

- [ Barbara sobbing ] - Yeah, we just pop that on to a new doll,

'cause their wigs, they come with a much higher quality

of hair, and he would definitely notice something like that.

- [crying] Oh, Cody, please...

- Right. Okay.

- Now, take a look at the face here.

See these cracks?

These are called compression tears.

They just happen over time.

- Right. - Look, I'm just

spitballing here, but maybe we can take a rolling chair,

and we roll it over the face

of the new one, back and forth and back and forth, until...

we can match this cracky face.

But don't you think your boyfriend

would prefer a new model?

I mean... just look at her.

She's useless.

- [Barbara sniffles]

[beep] MAN [over speakers]: Stu.

Could you report to the loading dock?

The new anuses just arrived.

- Nice.

[somber music playing]