Original subtitles

["Bad Girls" by Donna Summer playing]

♪

♪ Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep ♪

♪ Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep ♪

♪ Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep... ♪

Hey, babe, are these expired?

♪ Beep, beep ♪

♪ Bad girls ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout... ♪

Still got it, you fucking slut.

♪ Sad girls... ♪

Okay, so, what if I'm, like, a flight attendant,

and we're on this long-haul international flight,

and you're, like... you're, like, this, like,

handsy, entitled first-class passenger?

- Oh, yeah. So, wait.

So, I'm grabbing you, like, in front of everyone, or...?

- Um... No. Okay, good point. Maybe it's like, you know, uh...

Like, "Sir, you can't be back here in the cockpit.

"Or the vestibule thing

"where the flight attendants hang out.

Whatever that's called." - So it's kind of like,

"Uh, excuse me, miss.

I'm gonna need you to warm up these nuts."

- [exhales] Oh, I hated that. - Ooh.

- I'm never gonna fuck you again.

How do you have two Emmys for writing?

- What are you talking about? We both know

you wouldn't date me if I didn't have those Emmys.

- That is not true. That's so mean.

I am not dating you for Emmys.

I am dating you because...

you have a really nice house and I really hate my apartment.

["Next to You" by Sam Evian playing]

♪ I can feel your shadow ♪

♪ I just wanna be next to you... ♪

What is this, like...

sequin glitter thing? - Uh... it's probably

from one of your, uh... - Where'd this even come from?

I don't fuck with glitter, man. What? Like...

Oh, did you go to a strip club or something?

- What? No! - No, I-I...

We've been to strip clubs. I have no problem

with strip clubs. - Yeah, I know, I know.

No, I haven't been to a strip club.

I haven't been to any... - Okay.

Then are you cheating on me?

- No. Oh, my God. I'm not cheating on you. - [laughs]

Okay, well, this is weird. Where did this...? - I have a sex doll.

- You what?

- I have a sex doll.

That I barely ever even...

use, and, uh... - Oh.

- There's this one dress with sparkles.

- Yeah, okay.

- That probably one fell off, maybe.

- Yeah. - And, um...

- No, that's totally fine. Um...

- Well, it-it...

it doesn't seem like it's fine with you.

- No. No. I'm just, uh... I'm-I'm just processing.

- I didn't tell you about it, I didn't think

to tell you about it 'cause it's... it's no big deal.

I mean, it's like porn or something. - Yeah.

No. [chuckles] - It's a Fleshlight with boobs

that I got off of a Japanese website.

- Ooh. She's from Japan.

Very international woman.

- [exhales] - Is her name Kimiko?

- Oh, my God. - Is she hotter than me?

Like, be honest. Like, if she's hot... - Cody. Cody.

- If Kimiko's hotter than me...

- Now you're mocking me. - [chuckles]

Sorry. I'm not trying to kink-shame you. I'm sorry

if that's what it felt like. - No, no, no.

- I have a million fetishes.

I love this part of our relationship.

I love that we do all this weird shit together.

[laughs] Really.

I love that.

Can I just see her?

- No. - Why not?

- It's my private gross thing.

Like the shit you took this morning.

And I know you took a shit this morning because we have honesty.

I don't know what color it was...

because of privacy.

- Okay.

I mean, obviously, brown.

- You...

- I hear you. This is a boundary.

It's all good. We're all good.

[exhales] We're good.

♪ Guns are pointed at everyone ♪

♪ But together we're better off... ♪

- You still want to, uh...?

- Um...

I don't know, I'm kind of tired.

- Tired enough for...

sexy autopsy?

- Yeah, okay.

So, am I, like, a pretty corpse, or am I, like, all fucked-up?

- You're fucked-up. - Okay.

- [snoring]

- Baby.

Dan.

Dan? You're snoring.

Can you roll on your side, please?

- [snoring continues]

- [exhales]

[groans]

[urinating]

[farts]

[toilet flushes]

[intriguing music playing]

[music stops]

WOMAN [whispers]: Hey!

- Hello?

WOMAN: Psst!

I'm in here.

I can hear you.

I know you're out there.

You breathe, like, really heavy.

Hey!

Sup?

[intriguing music playing]

- Um...

Kimiko?

- Who's Kimiko?

- Holy shit. Oh, um...

Well, I mean, I...

I, like, jokingly named you Kimi... Kimiko

'cause you were made in Japan.

- Oh, my God.

That's, like, really fucking racist.

- Oh, n... I mean...

Like, I only said it in front of Dan, so...

- Okay. Well, that doesn't make it any better.

Uh, anyway, hi.

[laughs] Hello. I'm Barbara.

Barbara Himmelbaum-Harmon.

- Barbara. Okay.

Barbara, sorry. I'm so sorry.

- It's okay. It's fine.

It's fine, girl.

Actually, you know what?

There is something you could do that would really help me out.

Just so that you can make it up to me because you're racist

and that was really offensive.

So, I have, like, a ton of Dan's splooge

dried up inside of me. - What?

- Yeah. [laughs]

It's so cute. Dan comes inside of me

a lot, and then, like, I think

he gets so caught up in the passion

that he actually forgets to wash me.

Like, he'll wipe the outside of me with a T-shirt sometimes,

- but he doesn't even always do that. - What? Oh, my God.

- Look. Girl, look how crusty it is.

- Fuck, gross! - I know, right?

You would do me, like, a huge favor if you'd wash me.

- No! No. Dude, absolutely not.

I... I can't move you.

He can't even know that I saw you. Like, fuck.

Our whole, like, mission statement as a couple

is, like, honesty and no lies,

and I've totally invaded his privacy already. Fuck!

- Right. Like, I hear you, but do you really want him

to fuck you with his dick after it's been inside

this crusty pussy?

- Oh, Jesus Christ, Barbara! I don't know.

Like, he takes showers or whatever.

- Yeah, but you can't shower an infection out of the dickhole, dumbass.

This has happened to friends of mine.

He's gonna get a disease from fucking

his own dried-up jizz flakes. - Oh, my God.

- And then he's gonna pass that disease on to your vibrant, living pussy.

You're gonna have to go to your doctor.

You're gonna have to explain what happened.

- Okay. Barbara? - Yeah.

- Barbara? Here's what's happening.

I'm a little fucked-up right now 'cause I took, like, expired...

um, these homeopathic, like, melatonin gummies,

and I've h... I've smoked a lot of weed.

But clearly I'm having, like, a hallucinatory episode

where you came to life and, like, beckoned me in here

'cause I just needed to see you,

and I didn't want to take responsibility

for snooping, you know?

So here we are, and, like, you're super fucking hot.

- Thank you. I know. - I feel

really insecure about it,

and there's nothing we can do about that now.

- No, no, no, no, no, there are things!

There is! Babe.

Babe, there's Botox. There's Juvéderm.

You would benefit so much

from a forehead enlargement.

I don't know if it's a thing.

- Okay, Barbara?

- I'm gonna go ahead and say your forehead's stocky.

- I'm gonna go back to bed right now,

and when I wake up, you're gonna be inanimate again,

and I'm gonna buy a new bottle of melatonin,

and we never have to do this again.

It was so nice meeting you.

- No, no, no, no. Cody, please, please, please.

Cody, let's just talk about this, girl.

I like you so much.

Cody, you're being such a dumb cunt right now!