Original subtitles

♪ Dreaming of you ♪

♪ Hoping and wishing my dreams come true ♪

♪ Dreaming of you ♪

♪ Hoping and wishing my dreams come true ♪

Be Don Draper right? Become him.

Right so I start, like... I start mimicking his pitching rhythms.

And I'd start, like, looking at my glass

imagining it was whiskey - neat.

Alright, and then for the final closing statement,

like the argument, the final line, like, make them buy, make them buy,

I just casually sit on the desk. Yeah.

I actually sat on the desk. 'Cause...

So stupid.

But yeah, I'm talking a lot aren't I? That's OK. That's fine.

No it's cool. I like it. I do this sometimes.

I just go on a bit of a tangent, but I can shut up now.

Shut up. Stop.

No. Oh no. It's so fine.

Do you want another one?

Yeah, I do.

[Timmie] Oh my god.

-Fuck me now. -Right!

Why didn't you go home with him?

Because some boys you just got to fuck. Done. Hooked.

Others you chuck in the slow cooker for the full nine hours

until that meat just falls off the bone.

OK. What happened to the other guys you were talking to?

No, no, no, no. We're on ad man now.

Ad man.

Ad man?

I'll think of his nickname.

-[Claire] So, yeah, no-- -[Pat] No. Can I?

-OK, you go. -No, no. You go first.

No, no, it's your house. It's your house.

I'm going to be polite. Go.

I'm just going to say you get what you pay for.

-They don't taste any different. -Oh.

No! I think that they're good.

-Come on! -They're good. They are.

-Are you joking? -No.

-No. -No, they're good.

-No. -So, OK, you're in a bar...

-You open up the wine list--. -Yep.

Do you go...you're obviously not someone who goes, "Great, right.

Right at the top, house wine. Done, sold."

You're like, "Let me actually look at the types and the regions."

-Umm... -Who are you?

This is... OK, I'm just going to…

Here we go. Cleanskins are horrible.

It does not taste any different.

Oh no. Are you kidding or do you actually believe that?

I genuinely think that

because if you can drink goon, you can drink anything.

Are you being serious?

I am being serious. Oh, you're a wine snob.

I'm not a wine snob.

No, I just think you should only put things in your mouth

that taste good.

What's a good drink then?

There are so many good drinks.

What's your favourite?

Have you had a Negroni?

It's like bourbon or whiskey, yeah?

Bourbon is a type of whiskey. It's neither.

I've got no idea.

I'm going to make you one. I'm going to make you one right now.

Sure.

I'm going to kiss you.

-Is that a question? -No.

I'm going to make you one. I'm going to make you one.

[Harriet] A Negroni.

At his house.

That's next level.

Like a full-on cocktail bar?

No, like liquor in a cupboard.

His name is Negroni.

Everyone. Oh my god. Rounds on Nat.

-Yeah! -Rounds on Nat.

-Nat, well done. [cheering]

Honestly, that's amazing.

[upbeat rock music]

Do you want to watch a movie or something?

No.

[Timmie] What was his dick like?

I'm not talking about it.

Boring.

Why aren't we talking about it?

Because I want to know about your day.

No I want to know why we're not talking about his dick.

Yeah.

-Negroni? -Yep.

-So jealous. -Fuck you.

Bye.

[Melvin] Hey ladies.

Bye Melvin.

Hmm.

What? Too soon?

She just needs some boomerang penis.

What the fuck is boomerang penis?

Sounds racist.

Boomerang penis keeps coming back unless you break it.

You're fucked, mate.

Not break the penis.

Some girls do weird crazy shit

and they be like, "Ew, don't want that back."

Right so it's sexist not racist. Good.

Yeah.

What do you want to do now?

First thing that comes into your head. Go.

Take a post-sex selfie.

Hashtag #lovetheD.

OK, but I'm only taking three photos. That's it.

-That's my limit. -Why?

I just hate those people that take like fifty photos.

It's like, "Oh it's the wrong light.

No, no, no, it's wrong angle. It's the wrong side."

I'm just like, "Accept that's what you look like.

That's it."

But what if none of them are good?

Well, unfortunately social media is never going to get to see them.

Oh, that's such a shame.

[Harriet] Have you had the night of talking?

Just the night, nights of sex.

-Really? -Feelings free.

-Really? -Yes.

You're thinking about the Hunter Valley aren't you?

See, I'm in sex haze, so your opinions are irrelevant.

Ah, sex haze.

♪ To think of circumstance ♪

♪ For a girl needs love For a guy needs love love love love ♪

♪ And I don't wanna believe it ♪

♪ No I ♪

Tell me something. First thing that comes to your head.

Go. Go.

I always wonder if my life is The Truman Show.

-Really? -Yep.

-Have you never thought that? -No.

Have you seen it?

Yeah.

That movie is amazing. It was made what, like, twenty years ago?

Uh-huh.

Twenty years and I'm still wondering if my life is The Truman Show.

The Claire Show.

I am rambling.

No.

You tell me something.

Go. First thing that comes into your head.

I set Google alerts for David Attenborough.

Oh!

-Seriously? -Yeah.

Why?

He's fuckin' awesome. And he's informative.

Do you like the cameras disguised as rocks and poo and stuff?

No, I mean yeah. That's pretty cool but that's not really why.

Not the weird species stuff?

Yeah. Sure.

-The baby lion cub episode? -Sure.

Do you love his voice?

Yes. I think he should be Siri.

-What if-- -No.

No more talking.

Hey.

-Hey. -Nick, hey.

Heading to work?

Yeah. You?

Nah I'm just going to my mate's house.

It's nice to see you. We miss you.

Claire got you in the divorce.

I'm sure you fought very hard for us.

I really did.

How is she?

You haven't spoken?

No, not yet.

She's not like 'yay' good. But she's well.

Well if you ever need to chat.

Probably not.

Yeah.

Hey maybe in like two years we can all hang out or something?

Surely eighteen months would be enough time.

Yeah alright. It's in the diary.

Well.

-See you. -Bye.

It's nice to see you though.

Yeah you too.

Do you want to have sex?

Yes.

Oh.

I do. I do

but my body as a whole is just like, "Mm, get fucked."

Keep sleeping.

-No, no, no. -No, no.

I've got this.

I'm just going to wake my body up.

Are you warming up?

Unless you want full on starfish. Start prepping.

No, no, no. I'm good alright. This is so sexy.

I appreciate your lie.

Come here.

-No. I have a gift! -[Pat] Come here!

-Do you want your gift? -Yes, please.

Naked star jumps.

Yeah!

Go, go, go. Claire, Claire.

Claire, Claire. Yeah!

You're welcome.

-What a lovely gift. Thank you. -You are welcome.

Is it still raining?

Mmhm.

Stop.

Do you want my umbrella?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Take it. Thank you.

And he just gives me his umbrella.

Like I can't. I can't deal.

OK.

OK.

He gave you his umbrella?

Yeah.

Beige.

Umbrella, keys, parents, babies.

Weird baby shower, bridesmaid dresses?

Home insurance. Claire has no friends.

It's just an umbrella.

Exactly. That's exactly my fucking point, Claire.

You used to come here to this very table

and you'd tell me these fucked up stories

that made me so proud of you.

And now you come here, to my face,

and tell me some fucked up shit about an umbrella.

Unless that umbrella is being used in foreplay,

I don't want to hear about it.

It's being used to keep me dry.

It's keeping us all dry. Not done.

-Got a bit of a bite, don't you? -No.

-How many have you had? -Beige.

Can we elaborate on what you mean by beige?

He's just, like meh.

You know he's like doing all the right things, like, all the time.

Oh, this is a bad thing?

It's just like…

Ugh, beige.

Is it kind of like how Eco Man was beige?

-No-- -Exactly.

-Right. Gotcha. -No, no, no.

Negroni isn't Eco Man.

We haven't met him, we don't know if he's beige.

He's really nice.

If you want a boyfriend, but you don't.

You're such a jerk.

Why are you so drunk?

Fuck.

The whole I'll get the Uber, I'll choose the wine,

I'll make you a cocktail in my house--

He's really nice.

He sounds like every other guy we've dated

for the grand total of two months.

And then what happens?

Chapter one, fun, flirty, naked.

Chapter two, we should have the talk.

Chapter…

Chapter Three, babe.

Three, we still haven't had the talk yet.

Chapter Four, we sit here at this table

for the next six months wondering why the fuck he hasn't called.

End of book.

OK. Can we back up for a bit and get some perspective?

Is it sex haze or have you actually started to like him?

Um, it's...

Magical?

Ok, you need to stop.

Grab your little goblet of wine and shut the fuck up for two minutes.

OK. Thank you. Claire, your thoughts and feelings please?

Um... I do have tingles.

Vaginal tingles?

Yeah.

Well, that's totally fine.

Yeah, but like warm feeling tingles too.

-[groans] -OK, that's dangerous.

Mm, could still be sex haze?

I mean it's literally like a drug. Like crystal meth.

You know in the beginning, you think it's amazing.

But then when you wake up six months later

and your house is gone and you've lost all your teeth

you realise that it was actually pretty shit.

Okay I'm pretty sure that I can wean myself off Pat.

Did you just say Pat?

No. Negroni.

-Rehab. -Intervention time.

OK, OK, OK.

I know, maybe I can wean myself off by becoming the dealer.

The sex dealer?

Do you really think you're ready to be the dealer?

Maybe? I don't know.

I don't know if I'm ready to be the dealer

or if I just want to have it, you know, lying around the house.

The metaphor is too complicated.

Crystal meth is very complicated.

What the fuck is Nat doing?

[upbeat rock music]

[Claire] I'm so flexible.

-I could almost do the splits. -Try it!

-No. -Let me help you.

No, no. I think that this general area just needs some R 'n' R.

-Compliment. -Oh yeah.

-Ooh. -Ooh.

-What are you doing tonight? -Not sure.

I'm going for drinks with my mates if you wanted to come.

-Tonight? -Yeah.

It's just drinks, like. It's not for an event or anything.

It's just, drinks.

Thank you.

I would love to. However, I just need to stay in tonight.

I've just got a couple of things to take care of.

Yeah that's... That's so fine.

-Is that OK? -Yeah.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

Yeah? Cool.

Alright. I'm going to have a shower.

OK.

Ya!

Bye.

-You're out of here? -Yes.

Ciao.

-Have a good day. -You too.

Go get 'em tiger.

-Hi. -Hi.

Pat's in then?

Yeah, he's in the bathroom.

I'm Claire.

Olivia.

Do you know how long he'll be?

Or are you guys busy?

No, no I'm leaving.

Can I help with something?

I say as if I live here.

It's all good. I know where everything is.

Fuck! I forgot about our session. Thirty seconds.

-All good. -I'll get changed.

So you're Pat's trainer?

Sort of.

He wanted to do some crossfit so I'm helping him out.

-I can't find my Fit Bit. -It's in your car.

Oh, so you're a personal trainer.

No I work with Pat.

I just used to run boot camps on weekends.

Cool.

I've always wanted to do boot camp

but I just get scared I might vomit or something.

I'm sure you'd be fine.

Alright, let's do this.

-See you. -Bye.

Oh, I hate myself.

[upbeat pop music]