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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:17,850 ♪♪ 2 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:26,650 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 3 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:30,362 ♪ I'm gonna miss you so ♪ 4 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:34,867 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 5 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:37,661 ♪ Why'd ya have to go ♪ 6 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:40,664 ♪ Bye, bye ♪ 7 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:45,294 ♪ No more sunshine ♪ ♪ Sunshine ♪ 8 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:49,006 ♪ It's followed you away ♪ ♪ You away ♪ 9 00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:53,344 ♪ I'll cry, Birdie ♪ ♪ Birdie ♪ 10 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,931 ♪ Till you're home to stay ♪ 11 00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:01,143 ♪ I'll miss the way you smile As though it's just for me ♪ 12 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:06,815 ♪ And each and every night I'll write you faithfully ♪ 13 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:12,488 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 14 00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:16,158 ♪ It's awful hard to bear ♪ 15 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:20,579 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 16 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:29,129 ♪ Guess I'll always care ♪ 17 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:33,092 ♪ Guess I'll always care ♪♪ 18 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,143 Look! Look! 19 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,537 I'm gonna enter you in Washington. 20 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,623 Hey! Hey! Ho! Hey! 21 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,585 Look! Look! Hey! Oooh, hey! 22 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:15,152 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 23 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:17,988 ♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪ 24 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,699 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 25 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,494 ♪ And we'll be true ♪ 26 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:26,497 ♪ When you're not near us ♪ 27 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,249 ♪ We're blue ♪ 28 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:34,630 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪ 29 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,383 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 30 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,094 This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit... 31 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,679 in front of the nation's capital... 32 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:47,309 bringing you special on-the-spot coverage of our current teenage crisis... 33 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,937 over the drafting of Conrad Birdie. 34 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:53,899 Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon. 35 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,903 And for those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts, 36 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:01,990 here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise. 37 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:48,328 And that-that is our army's newest weapon. 38 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:52,040 Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days. 39 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:56,253 His income drops from two million dollars a year... 40 00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:58,505 to $78 a month. 41 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,717 It could only happen in America. 42 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,139 Why? 43 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:09,892 Why did they have to draft him? 44 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,811 Just when I finally write a song he's gonna do. 45 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,147 The title song of his next picture. 46 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:18,066 "Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo." 47 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,486 Now there's no picture. 48 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,071 There's nothing. 49 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:31,955 Albert, I have your financial statement if you really want to hear it. 50 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:35,626 Total assets: $312.08. 51 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:39,296 Liabilities: $4,030.00 52 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,298 You- 53 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,263 Confidentially, you're a fiscal fiasco. 54 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,265 Good-bye, Albert. 55 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,893 It's a sad ending to a long association. 56 00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:56,104 Yeah. Oh, don't you wanna say good-bye to Pidge? 57 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:06,448 Almaelou's busted, Pidge. Better get yourself another meal ticket. 58 00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:11,328 In six years, I never sold one lousy song. 59 00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:13,956 Maybe they weren't lousy enough. 60 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:20,337 I don't care so much about myself, 61 00:06:20,421 --> 00:06:23,048 but I'm my mother's sole support. 62 00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,592 I've wasted every cent my father left Mama- 63 00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:28,720 It's not your fault. Your mother wants you to be a songwriter. 64 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,099 You can make a good living as a biochemist. 65 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:36,270 That's a wonderful profession. But Mama, she wants- 66 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:41,650 Just because she was once in vaudeville doesn't mean that you belong in show business. 67 00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:46,238 Confidentially, I respect my mother, but I do what I want. 68 00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:49,992 Well, Mama's sensitive. When I upset her, she faints. 69 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:54,162 Why, with your ideas, you can make a fortune in chemistry. 70 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:58,417 Chemistry. Chemistry. Chemistry! 71 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,920 You sound like Rosie. Where is she? Where's Rosie? 72 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:06,258 She phoned. she heard about Birdie being drafted. Said she was gonna see Ed Sullivan. 73 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,510 Sure, to get another job. 74 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:13,098 Oh, fine secretary. Why, we have been practically engaged! 75 00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:15,434 Just waiting for an okay from Mama. 76 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,103 Now when I hit bottom, Rosie deserts me. 77 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:21,106 Quits before my body's even warm. 78 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:23,108 Ed Sullivan! 79 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:28,030 Would you send in Rosie De Leon, please. 80 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:34,119 I-Is it yes, Mr. Sullivan? It's just got to be yes. 81 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,204 Rosie, it is yes. 82 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:39,291 Oh, hallelujah! Oh, I love you! 83 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:42,461 Oh, that's marvelous! Oh, I love you too! I'm so glad! 84 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:45,505 Miss De Leon. I'd like you to meet our producer Bob Precht. 85 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,550 - Oh, hi, how are you? - Well, it's my pleasure. 86 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,511 You know, Rosie, if you can overcome your shyness, tell me, 87 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,473 what's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you? 88 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:58,727 Let's face it, I'm a scheming woman. I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out. 89 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,146 If you buy it, I want a little favor. 90 00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,190 All right, let's try it on for size. 91 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:06,360 How'd you like a terrific buildup before the show... 92 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:09,363 that'll have every TV set tuned in to you next Sunday? 93 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:12,324 We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie. 94 00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,576 - This is bigger. - Bigger. 95 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:18,622 Before Conrad Birdie goes into the army, he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls... 96 00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:21,541 who worship him on your TV show. 97 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,045 After all, it's only an hour show and Birdie only gets four minutes. 98 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,798 He kisses them all symbolically. 99 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,758 - What'd you say? - Symbolically. 100 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:33,345 - Actually, he'll only kiss one girl. - He kisses only one girl? 101 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,098 Can't you see it? Birdie, their idol, their leader, 102 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,433 kissing one fabulously lucky teenage tessie? 103 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:41,103 - Yeah! Yeah! - It'll melt every bobby pin in America. 104 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,564 It's gigantic! The newspapers'll eat it up. Think of the advance publicity. 105 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:48,169 Rosie, get Birdie's fan club file right away, and get us a girl from Ohio. 106 00:08:48,670 --> 00:08:48,970 Gotcha. 107 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:51,697 Bob, we'll do it from the stage of the outdoor theater, 108 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,116 - Columbus, Ohio, right after the Ballet. - I'll get the girl. 109 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,702 The network will handle all the physical details. 110 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,871 And after the kiss, Birdie sings a big song. 111 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,499 And that's where Rosie gets her payoff. 112 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,751 I don't get it. The song is "One Last Kiss." 113 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:07,254 - Never heard of it. - Hasn't been written yet. 114 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,715 And who is going to write this classic? 115 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,551 Who else, but my future husband, Mr. Albert F. Peterson? 116 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:13,329 Who else? 117 00:09:13,530 --> 00:09:15,830 Oh, Birdie's been wanting to give Albert a break for six years. 118 00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,223 I know he'll use the song if you say so. 119 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:20,892 Okay, in a spot like this, any song will do, 120 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,329 even though it's written by your ever-loving Albert. 121 00:09:23,513 --> 00:09:24,699 Thank you, Mr. Sullivan. 122 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,600 You know with a plug like this, that song'll sell a million records. 123 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,901 Man, what royalties! 124 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,862 Well, we can sure use the money. 125 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:35,574 Any day now, Albert and I will have another mouth to feed. Rosie. 126 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,994 - You're not even married yet. - His mother. 127 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,996 - Oh? - Bye. 128 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,415 Carmine, get me the publishing department right away! 129 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:47,127 This batch'll do. Get 'em ready for mailing right away. 130 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,004 - Hi, Marge. - Hi. 131 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:52,215 - I need one of your fans from Ohio. - You can have 'em all. 132 00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,760 - Try file number six. - Okay. 133 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:59,014 Uh, six-Here we go. I'm about to make some ga-ga little goof a queen. 134 00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:05,479 Hey, cute. 135 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:11,193 Long distance. I want, uh... Miss Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio. 136 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,738 Oh, Marge, it's amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her. 137 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,616 - You mean you doped Albert's mother? - No. 138 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,285 But if this doesn't work, that's my next move. 139 00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:23,455 What, operator? The line's busy. Well, um, uh, never mind. 140 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,374 I'll try later. Thank you. 141 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,419 Oh, Marge, right now, there's a kid named Kim McAfee... 142 00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:32,297 in Sweet Apple, Ohio, gabbing on the telephone, 143 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:36,718 but little does she realize I'm about to make her immortal. 144 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,600 Hello? - Hello, Urse? This is Kim. 145 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:47,354 And if I don't tell somebody, I'm just gonna burst. 146 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:50,816 So, Ursula, you are the very first to know. 147 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,944 I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody. 148 00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:58,448 Oh, no! Kim McAfee, you didn't! You really got pinned? 149 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:02,577 You mean you and Hugo have a permanent understanding? 150 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:06,623 Uh-huh. Oh, it's Hugo and I... forever. 151 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:10,293 Crazy, crazy! Tell me, Kim. 152 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:15,340 How do you absolutely feel... in your deepest, secret soul? 153 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:20,637 It's like- It's like I've been reborn. 154 00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:25,308 It's like all my life until this very moment, I was nothing. 155 00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:28,270 - It's like... Kim, I must use the phone. I've got to call Grandma. 156 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:31,356 In a second, Mom. Hey, listen, Ursula, I'm gonna have to get off. 157 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,942 - Where was I? - You were nothing. 158 00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:37,863 Oh, yeah. And now I'm alive. 159 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,906 Fulfilled. 160 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,868 Now I know what it means to be a woman. 161 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:45,036 It should only happen to me. 162 00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,873 Kim, where did he pin you? 163 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:51,835 On the back seat. Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus. 164 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:52,981 Kim, hurry, please. 165 00:11:53,182 --> 00:11:55,782 Yeah, hang up, Kim, so I can spread the word. 166 00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,124 Okay, bye, Urse. 167 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:15,233 ♪ Hi, Nancy ♪ ♪ Hi, Ursula ♪ 168 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,235 ♪ What's the story morning glory ♪ 169 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,237 ♪ What's the tale nightingale ♪ 170 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,807 ♪ Did you hear about Hugo and Kim ♪ 171 00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,208 ♪ Hi, Margie ♪ 172 00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:26,453 ♪ Hi, Alice What's the story morning glory ♪ 173 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:30,540 ♪ What's the word, hummingbird Have you heard about Hugo and Kim ♪ 174 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:34,210 ♪ Did they really get pinned Did she kiss him and cry ♪ 175 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,380 ♪ Did he pin the pin on Or was he too shy ♪ 176 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,758 ♪ Well, I heard they got pinned ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 177 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,760 ♪ I was hopin' they would ♪ ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 178 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,371 ♪ Now they're livin' at last ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ ♪ Goin' steady for good ♪ 179 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:48,058 ♪ Hello, Mr. Henkel This is Harvey Johnson ♪ 180 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,353 ♪ Can I talk to Penelope Ann ♪ 181 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,355 ♪ Is it true about Kim ♪ ♪ Penelope ♪ 182 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,357 ♪ I just knew it somehow ♪ ♪ About the prom ♪ 183 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,993 ♪ I must call her right up ♪ ♪ Saturday ♪ 184 00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,394 ♪ I can't talk to you now ♪ 185 00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:02,447 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ You know it, man ♪ 186 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,449 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ It's crazy, man ♪ 187 00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,284 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ You know it ♪ 188 00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:07,663 ♪ It won't last ♪ 189 00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,264 ♪ Not at all ♪ 190 00:13:09,847 --> 00:13:11,107 ♪ He's too thin ♪ 191 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:12,908 ♪ She's too tall ♪ 192 00:13:12,909 --> 00:13:16,378 ♪ Hello, Mrs. Miller This is Harvey Johnson ♪ 193 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:20,674 ♪ Can I speak to Debra Sue ♪ 194 00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:26,388 ♪ Hiya, Hugo Hiya, stupid ♪ 195 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:30,058 ♪ What'd ya wanna go get pinned for ♪ ♪ You don't know how to live ♪ 196 00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,060 ♪ You meathead ♪ ♪ You'd get pinned if you could ♪ 197 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,062 ♪ Lost your marbles ♪ ♪ Kim and I are in love ♪ 198 00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:35,523 - ♪ Are you nutty ♪ - ♪ Goin' steady for- ♪ 199 00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:39,024 ♪ Hello, Mrs. Garfein ♪ ♪ Is Charity homefrom school yet ♪ 200 00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:41,695 ♪ Did they really get pinned ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ 201 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,780 ♪ I was hopin' they would ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ He's gone ♪ 202 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,324 ♪ They're livin' at last ♪ ♪ Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ She nailed him ♪ 203 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:49,494 ♪ If ya gotta go That's the way to go ♪ 204 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:53,206 ♪ When they got you hooked Then you're really cooked ♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo ♪ 205 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,959 ♪ Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do ♪ ♪ Ooo-ooo ♪ 206 00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:58,044 ♪ Well, I heard they got pinned ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪ 207 00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,046 ♪ I was thinkin' they would ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪ 208 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,716 ♪ Now they're livin' at last Goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ Oh, man ♪ 209 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:09,764 ♪ Goin' steady, goin' steady goin' steady for good ♪ ♪ Ooo, ooo, ooo ♪ 210 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:13,018 ♪ He's in love with Kim Kim's in love with him ♪ 211 00:14:13,302 --> 00:14:17,076 ♪ Well, well, do tell ♪ ♪ Goin' steady, Goin' steady for good ♪ 212 00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:20,177 ♪ Well, well, do tell ♪ ♪ Goin' steady, Goin' steady for good ♪ 213 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,012 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 214 00:14:22,213 --> 00:14:23,913 ♪ They'll be happy, I know ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 215 00:14:24,138 --> 00:14:25,757 ♪ Goin' steady for me ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 216 00:14:25,958 --> 00:14:27,558 ♪ That's the way it should go ♪ 217 00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:30,036 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ 218 00:14:30,338 --> 00:14:31,138 ♪ Steady for good ♪ 219 00:14:31,339 --> 00:14:33,439 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ 220 00:14:33,741 --> 00:14:34,541 ♪ Steady for good ♪ 221 00:14:34,693 --> 00:14:36,611 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ ♪ Goin' steady ♪ 222 00:14:36,813 --> 00:14:37,913 ♪ Steady for ♪ 223 00:14:38,014 --> 00:14:38,814 ♪ Goin' steady ♪ 224 00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:44,049 ♪ Oooooh... yeah! ♪♪ 225 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,808 Poor Pidge. 226 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,810 He'll starve. 227 00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:01,232 Here, Pidge. Here, Pidgie. Here, boy. 228 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,238 - Albert! - Here, Pidgie. 229 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,700 Albert, no, no! Don't jump! Don't jump! 230 00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:13,745 Albert, it's all right. Everything's all right. 231 00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:15,914 Come on back. Don't worry about- 232 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,249 Come on. Ooh, Albert. 233 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,669 Oh. Oh. Oh, thank heavens I got here in time. 234 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,838 You almost pushed me out. 235 00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:26,083 It's all right. I just came from Ed Sullivan's office. 236 00:15:26,284 --> 00:15:26,884 Sullivan! 237 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,885 - Yes. - Go to work for Ed Sullivan. 238 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,030 Leap from the sinking ship while the house is on fire. 239 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:31,831 Oh no- 240 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,557 But hear this, Miss De Leon. I was loyal. 241 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,811 All the years I've employed you, I never looked for a job behind your back. 242 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:41,731 - I went to Sullivan's office- - Don't explain. You owe me nothing. 243 00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:44,901 - Even though you were molded by me. - Molded? 244 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:47,987 Yeah, like, that Eliza Doolittle got moldy from Pygmalion. 245 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,949 - I was molded? - Where were you when I found you anyway? 246 00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:55,745 Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop. 247 00:15:55,830 --> 00:16:00,542 Well-Well, sorry I interrupted you! 248 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,336 A man of my ilk does not commit suicide. 249 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:07,090 I've had just about enough of your kind of ilks too. 250 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:13,888 Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love. 251 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,105 Oh, Albert, I'm- I'm... sorry. 252 00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:24,816 I should have known. 253 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,027 - Mama would never get over it. - Mama? 254 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,407 Mam- 255 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,328 - What's the matter? - I'm the prize dope of all time. 256 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:40,707 Thinkin' I could pry you away from your Mama's ever-lovin' tentacles. 257 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:45,295 Rosie, I will thank you to leave my mother out of this. Maybe she does influence me, slightly. 258 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,173 - Slightly? Ha! - She is old and frail. 259 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:51,634 - Which I will be, too, at this rate. - Oh, I don't blame you, Albert. 260 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:55,847 I was living in fantasy, telling myself you were serious. 261 00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:59,017 Oh, Rosie, I was. 262 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:02,061 I am... in here. 263 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,357 Oh, I've thought about marrying you every day, 264 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,526 a lot of nights too. 265 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:12,363 I've spent six years on Project Albert. 266 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:16,284 Well, now, I haven't got the right. 267 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:20,413 I can't offer you security. 268 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,293 A wonderful girl like you, 269 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:32,050 you deserve more from a husband than just personality and good looks. 270 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,768 But I'll always love you, Rosie. 271 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:50,193 You'd better always love me, you nut, 272 00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:54,322 because you're stuck with me. 273 00:17:56,075 --> 00:18:00,828 Now, you've always worried about repaying your mother, right? 274 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,998 Well, from now on, she'll be set for life. 275 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:08,294 She can sit around on her big, fat trust fund and you and I will have our own little house- 276 00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:11,673 No! I don't care what Sullivan pays you, no woman is supporting Albert Peterson. 277 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,968 Oh, you're not listening, darling. I am not a gigolo. 278 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:19,305 Will you get to that piano and start composing? 279 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:23,309 - Mary, I want Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio. - I'm through composing. 280 00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,436 I was always through, but now I know it. 281 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,564 Yeah, that's right. You're a biochemist, but this is one song you can sell. 282 00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:30,608 - Huh? - Okay, call me back. 283 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:33,403 - As I was saying, huh? - Gee, you're slow today. 284 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,698 Now, you are going to write a song called "One Last Kiss." 285 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,450 Is this Albert's floor or is it the one below? 286 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:43,496 "One Last Kiss." Now. 287 00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,999 ♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪ 288 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,876 ♪ There never was such bliss ♪ 289 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,379 ♪ I love your dentifrice ♪♪ 290 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:54,340 - Uh, oh, a little too clinical. - Yeah, you're right. 291 00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:57,510 Albert! 292 00:18:57,594 --> 00:19:00,930 Mama? she's never been to the office since she discovered canasta. 293 00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:04,559 Well, now's a perfect time for you to tell her about dissolving Almaelou- 294 00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,811 Yeah. 295 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:08,980 - And about us. - Yeah. 296 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,691 Albert! 297 00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:15,028 Sonny! Ohh! 298 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,238 - Mama! - Baby! 299 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:20,992 What a nice surprise. And you're just in time for some wonderful news. 300 00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,328 - Oh! - What's the matter? 301 00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:26,706 - It's nothing, son. I just fainted in the subway. - Mama! 302 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,916 But I didn't fall down. It was too crowded. 303 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,086 - I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi. - Taxis? 304 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,173 Taxis are for my successful son. 305 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,217 A dirty, crowded subway is good enough for a mother. 306 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,803 Mothers are nothin' nowadays. 307 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:41,674 Who's that? 308 00:19:41,875 --> 00:19:44,875 Mama, you know Rose De Leon. And guess what? 309 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:49,729 This is that pretty Rose De Leon? 310 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,982 Oh, I don't believe it. 311 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:56,152 Rose, what happened to you? 312 00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:59,030 Ya had a fatal sickness or somethin'? 313 00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,824 It's nice to see you again. 314 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:04,911 Always on the job. She's a credit to the firm. 315 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,413 Look at her, son. 316 00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:10,875 I wonder some older man hasn't snatched her away. 317 00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:14,754 - Personable matron. - Mama, speaking of marriage- 318 00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:19,384 Wonderful institution. Your poor father and I, that was a marriage. 319 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,886 May he rest in peace. 320 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:26,307 Don't worry, Lou. Our only child is taking care of me. 321 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:29,724 He'd never do anything to break my heart. What about marriage? 322 00:20:29,725 --> 00:20:32,289 Well, if it was good enough for you and Papa, it's- 323 00:20:32,373 --> 00:20:35,884 In time. You're just a baby. 324 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,908 Hello? Yes, operator, I'll hold on. 325 00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:47,370 I'm thinking of dissolving Almaelou. 326 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:50,123 Wait, Lou. I'm comin'. I'll be right up there. 327 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,375 We can play canasta again. 328 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,962 - Mama. Mama, forget it. I'm sorry. - You're sorry? 329 00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:59,715 Good-bye, sonny. Take care of yourself. Think of me on Mother's Day. 330 00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,717 - Good-bye, Rosie. - Good-bye, Mae. 331 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:05,471 Call me Mrs. Peterson. Wear your rubbers. 332 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:08,099 That's right, operator. Miss Kim McAfee. 333 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:17,942 I'll tell her, Rosie, tonight. 334 00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:20,945 It's entirely up to you, Albert. The line is still busy? 335 00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,823 Yes, Hugo. Mm-hmm. 336 00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:27,452 Well, of course I'll always wear it, on everything. 337 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:31,706 Oh, except my gym blouse. Miss Turgnisht won't allow it. 338 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:37,336 Tonight? Well, I have no plans. I think I can get out till about ten. 339 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:40,465 Oh, you have to be in by nine. 340 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,800 Well, c'est la vie. 341 00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:45,386 Until tonight then, mon amour. 342 00:21:45,471 --> 00:21:47,388 Bye. 343 00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:59,150 ♪ When you're a skinny child of 15 ♪ 344 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:02,695 ♪ Wired with braces from ear to ear ♪ 345 00:22:02,779 --> 00:22:07,950 ♪ You doubt that you will ever be appealing ♪ 346 00:22:10,078 --> 00:22:14,874 ♪ Then hallelujah. You are 16 and the braces disappear ♪ 347 00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:17,502 ♪ And your skin is smooth and clear ♪ 348 00:22:17,586 --> 00:22:21,672 ♪ And you have that happy grown-up ♪ 349 00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,967 ♪ Female feeling ♪ 350 00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:35,478 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 351 00:22:35,562 --> 00:22:38,648 ♪ The wait was well worthwhile ♪ 352 00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:42,026 ♪ How lovely to wear mascara ♪ 353 00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:45,238 ♪ And smile a woman's smile ♪ 354 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:48,616 ♪ How lovely to have a figure ♪ 355 00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,702 ♪ That's round instead of flat ♪ 356 00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:55,206 ♪ Whenever you hear boys whistle ♪ 357 00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,833 ♪ You're what they're whistling at ♪ 358 00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,795 ♪ It's wonderful to feel ♪ 359 00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:04,382 ♪ The way a woman feels ♪ 360 00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:06,551 ♪ It gives you such a glow ♪ 361 00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:10,930 ♪ Just to know you're wearing lipstick and heels ♪ 362 00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:15,059 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 363 00:23:15,143 --> 00:23:18,229 ♪ And have one job to do ♪ 364 00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:21,566 ♪ To pick out a boy and train him ♪ 365 00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:24,819 ♪ And then when you are through ♪ 366 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:28,072 ♪ You've made him the man you want him ♪ 367 00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:31,075 ♪ To be ♪ 368 00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:34,662 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 369 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:37,206 ♪ Like me ♪ 370 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,501 ♪ How wonderful to know ♪ 371 00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:43,754 ♪ The things a woman knows ♪ 372 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:47,633 ♪ How marvelous to wait for a date ♪ 373 00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:50,886 ♪ In simply beautiful clothes ♪ 374 00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:54,390 ♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪ 375 00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:57,518 ♪ And change from boys to men ♪ 376 00:23:57,603 --> 00:24:00,813 ♪ To go to a fancy nightclub ♪ 377 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:04,233 ♪ And stay out after ten ♪ 378 00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:07,445 ♪ How lovely to be so grown-up ♪ 379 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:10,364 ♪ And free ♪ 380 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:19,582 ♪ Life's lovely when you're a woman ♪ 381 00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:25,504 ♪ Like me ♪♪ 382 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:44,774 Hello? Oh. Oh, hold on, operator. 383 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:48,069 - Kim, it's for you. she says it's long distance. - Thank you, Doris. 384 00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:51,030 Who could be calling- Did you say "Doris"? 385 00:24:51,114 --> 00:24:55,076 It's the modern way, dear. It makes mother and daughter more like friends. 386 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,954 Harry, I think you took the news about Hugo and I awfully well. Hello? 387 00:24:59,081 --> 00:25:01,165 - She called you "Harry." - Yeah. 388 00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:02,795 Yes, this is Miss Kim McAfee. 389 00:25:02,996 --> 00:25:05,996 Yesterday I was a mother. Today I'm a friend. 390 00:25:05,997 --> 00:25:10,716 - Yes, I'll hold on. - Could call me "Mom"? That's modern. 391 00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:13,469 Times are changing. 392 00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:17,098 You go along or else you're out of it. 393 00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:19,392 Harry, do you have a cigarette? I've run out. 394 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,686 So have I. How 'bout my pipe? 395 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:23,688 - Hello? - Hello? 396 00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,857 - Kim McAfee, I have a great surprise. - Harry. Kids. 397 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:30,361 You have been selected from all the teenagers in the United States... 398 00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:34,532 to be kissed by Conrad Birdie on The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night. 399 00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:36,742 We'll be in touch. Good-bye. 400 00:25:36,827 --> 00:25:40,204 Conrad Birdie? 401 00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:43,749 To kiss me? 402 00:25:43,834 --> 00:25:47,378 Ohhh. Doris! 403 00:25:49,756 --> 00:25:53,592 Mother? Mommy! Mommy! 404 00:25:53,719 --> 00:25:56,971 - Baby, what happened? - Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me! 405 00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:59,974 - Oh, isn't that nice. Sit down. - But you don't understand. 406 00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:03,436 Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me! 407 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,646 Oh, Mommy! Oh! Oh! Oh! 408 00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:09,567 Well, I never thought I'd say it, but God bless Conrad Birdie. 409 00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:14,447 Oh, Conrad Birdie! Oh! 410 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:18,367 Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me! 411 00:26:27,794 --> 00:26:31,464 Now, listen. The absolute instant he appears, 412 00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:34,508 now, I'll introduce Kim, to him. 413 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:38,804 And then we'll all recite our Pledge Of Everlasting Loyalty. 414 00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:42,892 The plane! The plane's almost landed! 415 00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:46,145 ♪♪ 416 00:26:46,229 --> 00:26:49,857 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 417 00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:53,736 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 418 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:57,239 ♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪ 419 00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:00,785 ♪ Oh, Conrad we love you ♪ 420 00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:04,789 ♪ We hate you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 421 00:27:04,873 --> 00:27:08,584 ♪ We don't hate anyone as much as you ♪ 422 00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:12,296 ♪ You're singing makes us say "p-u" ♪ 423 00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:15,800 ♪ Oh, Conrad we hate you ♪ 424 00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:19,804 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 425 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:23,349 ♪ We don't hate anyone as much as you ♪ 426 00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:27,353 ♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪ 427 00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:30,606 - ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪ - ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪ 428 00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:33,943 ♪ We love you ♪♪ ♪ We hate you ♪♪ 429 00:27:35,904 --> 00:27:38,280 Hugo wants to talk to Kim. 430 00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:41,408 Uh, that-that's if it's okay with Kim. 431 00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:45,746 - Certainly, Hugo. - Uh, well, Kim- 432 00:27:45,831 --> 00:27:47,748 Yes? 433 00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:02,054 Hugo, what do you want? 434 00:28:04,432 --> 00:28:07,977 Gee, Kim, the fellas are making me do this, 435 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:10,479 but just the same, they're right. 436 00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:12,731 Kim, you can't go through with this. 437 00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:14,859 Hugo, please be mature. 438 00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:17,862 Well, gee, doesn't gettin' pinned mean anything these days? 439 00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:22,366 Ohh. It means everything. It's sacred. 440 00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:27,204 Well, then how can you let another man kiss you? A-And in public? 441 00:28:27,330 --> 00:28:30,541 - I assure you, I won't even feel it. - Huh? 442 00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:33,419 - I'm just a symbol. - A symbol? 443 00:28:34,921 --> 00:28:38,841 Ah, don't you see? This is bigger than us. 444 00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:42,803 Why, all this publicity for Sweet Apple. 445 00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:45,306 Thousands of people will move here. 446 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,726 We'll have a population explosion. 447 00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:53,689 And just think what this'll do for your father's undertaking business. 448 00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:59,403 Hey! Hey, yeah, you're right. 449 00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:05,826 But you really don't go for that Birdie creep. Do ya? 450 00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,455 What do my eyes tell you? 451 00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:20,591 No, you don't. I can see you're all mine. 452 00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:23,177 Forever. 453 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:25,846 Starting right after the Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night. 454 00:29:27,349 --> 00:29:30,184 Right after The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night. 455 00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:34,146 Hey, we'll be late! 456 00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:39,026 One, two, three-♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 457 00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:42,529 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 458 00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:46,450 - ♪ When you're not ne-♪♪ - ♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪ 459 00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:49,536 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪♪ 460 00:29:53,249 --> 00:29:56,835 Well, uh, I told her off, guys. She knows where I stand. 461 00:29:56,962 --> 00:30:00,631 But she's leaving. Yeah, but that's only to make the population explode. 462 00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:03,008 Anyone for the reception, kids? 463 00:30:03,093 --> 00:30:06,053 Gee, Mr. Paisley, we think you're okay, even if you are the English teacher. 464 00:30:06,279 --> 00:30:07,423 Well, it should be a fascinating experience. 465 00:30:07,724 --> 00:30:09,624 Yeah, but are you with them? 466 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:10,619 With "them"? 467 00:30:10,820 --> 00:30:13,420 Yeah, that Birdie creep. He's poisoned our women. 468 00:30:13,603 --> 00:30:16,605 It's bad enough the Mayor's a fink, but you, Mr. Paisley. 469 00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:20,484 Well, you see, fellas, as a teacher and a brand-new American citizen... 470 00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,486 with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, 471 00:30:22,570 --> 00:30:26,657 I feel I should witness this unique, sociological phenomenon, hmm? 472 00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:32,079 Yeah, guys, suppose I- suppose I did let Kim kiss him. 473 00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:34,748 I only wanna see- a, uh, um, unique- 474 00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:38,627 a so-uh, soci- phenomenon. 475 00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:41,755 Hugo the fink! 476 00:30:43,049 --> 00:30:45,050 So long, fink! Fink! 477 00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:48,095 Fink! What a fink! 478 00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:53,434 ♪♪ 479 00:30:58,023 --> 00:31:02,484 Here are the gentlemen from the press. I'll handle them. You go find the Mayor. 480 00:31:02,610 --> 00:31:07,239 - We want him! We want him! - Kim. Kim. 481 00:31:07,323 --> 00:31:10,325 Here's your speech. Learn it, and hurry. 482 00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:16,749 We want him! We want him! 483 00:31:16,833 --> 00:31:19,293 Look this way, please. 484 00:31:20,837 --> 00:31:23,047 What's your name? - Conrad Birdie. 485 00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:25,049 - No, no, your name. - Oh. 486 00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:29,053 Um, um... McAfee. Kim. 487 00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,055 Kim McAfee. 488 00:31:31,139 --> 00:31:33,640 She doesn't even know her name. 489 00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:37,478 ♪♪ 490 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:40,564 We want him! We want him! 491 00:31:40,648 --> 00:31:43,984 We want him! We want him! We want him. Eeew! 492 00:31:44,069 --> 00:31:50,032 We want him! We want him! 493 00:31:50,158 --> 00:31:53,577 I beg your pardon. May I add a welcome from Sweet Apple. 494 00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:56,455 I'm Claude Paisley. Kim McAfee's my student in English. 495 00:31:56,581 --> 00:32:00,042 - Oh, how do you do? I'm Rose De Leon. - Nice to know you. 496 00:32:00,126 --> 00:32:02,920 - Uh, and you're, uh- - Hugo. 497 00:32:04,297 --> 00:32:07,674 - Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. - Hugo Fink. 498 00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,843 Oh, hello, Mr. Fink. How are you? 499 00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:15,641 Please don't think me forward, but if you should have any spare time during your visit, 500 00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:18,936 I-I'd appreciate discussing Mr. Birdie with you. 501 00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:21,146 Well, uh... 502 00:32:21,231 --> 00:32:23,774 I'm afraid I'll be very busy. 503 00:32:23,858 --> 00:32:25,943 Uh, but thank you. 504 00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:33,325 Ow! Watch it, rube, don't bend the fur. 505 00:32:33,409 --> 00:32:35,327 He's coming! 506 00:32:35,411 --> 00:32:38,956 Look, everybody, he's coming! Here he comes! 507 00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:49,133 ♪♪ 508 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:52,886 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 509 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:56,849 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 510 00:32:56,933 --> 00:33:00,727 ♪ When you're not near us we're blue ♪ 511 00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:05,482 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪ 512 00:33:05,567 --> 00:33:09,486 ♪ We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do ♪ 513 00:33:09,571 --> 00:33:12,990 ♪ We love you, Conrad and we'll be true ♪ 514 00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:17,494 ♪ When you're not near us We're blue ♪ 515 00:33:17,579 --> 00:33:21,623 ♪ Oh, Conrad We love you ♪♪ 516 00:33:44,606 --> 00:33:49,526 Before you hear from the girl upon whom you have chosen... 517 00:33:49,611 --> 00:33:53,572 to bestow your final kiss upon, we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge. 518 00:33:56,784 --> 00:34:00,537 I, being of sound mind and body, 519 00:34:00,622 --> 00:34:02,623 do hereby promise... 520 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:07,377 to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true... 521 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:11,882 to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America, 522 00:34:11,966 --> 00:34:13,884 both indivisible, 523 00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:16,762 with liberty and justice for all. 524 00:34:21,809 --> 00:34:25,395 As the fortunate girl whom you have selected... 525 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,398 to represent all my fellow girls, 526 00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:31,568 I welcome you. 527 00:34:53,383 --> 00:34:55,759 - Now, Mayor, now. - Oh. 528 00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:59,930 And now I present this key to our city, 529 00:35:00,014 --> 00:35:04,268 to our honored guest, uh, Conrad Birdie. 530 00:35:06,396 --> 00:35:09,439 He said it! He said the name! 531 00:35:12,318 --> 00:35:14,945 What happened? All I said was "Conrad Birdie." 532 00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:22,160 Now, now, girls, you're gonna have to stop that, or I- or I can't finish my speech. 533 00:35:22,245 --> 00:35:25,038 Who cares about your speech? 534 00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:28,041 We wanna hear Conrad! 535 00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:35,007 He's not so much. 536 00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:39,511 ♪♪ 537 00:35:39,595 --> 00:35:43,307 ♪ You gotta be sincere ♪ 538 00:35:43,391 --> 00:35:46,560 - Ohhh. - Edna! What's wrong? 539 00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:48,103 ♪ Ya gotta be sincere ♪ 540 00:35:49,605 --> 00:35:52,524 Birdie! What are you doing? 541 00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:54,943 ♪ Ya gotta feel it here ♪ 542 00:35:55,028 --> 00:35:57,571 ♪ 'Cause if you feel it here ♪ 543 00:35:57,655 --> 00:36:00,365 ♪ Well, then you're gonna be ♪ 544 00:36:00,450 --> 00:36:02,492 ♪ Honestly ♪ 545 00:36:02,577 --> 00:36:04,911 ♪ Sincere ♪ 546 00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:12,836 ♪ If what you feel is true ♪ 547 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:17,174 ♪ You really feel it You make them feel it too ♪ 548 00:36:17,258 --> 00:36:21,928 ♪ Write this down now You gotta be sincere ♪ 549 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,264 ♪ Honestly sincere ♪ 550 00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:27,142 ♪ Man, you gotta be ♪ 551 00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:32,898 ♪ Sincere ♪ 552 00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:37,944 ♪ If you're really sincere If you're really sincere ♪ 553 00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:41,698 ♪ If you feel it in here Then it's gotta be right ♪ 554 00:36:41,783 --> 00:36:43,784 Oh, baby Oh, honey ♪ 555 00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,745 ♪ Hug me ♪ 556 00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:49,456 ♪ Ah, suffer ♪ 557 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,504 ♪ In everything I do ♪ 558 00:36:56,631 --> 00:37:00,092 ♪ Why, my sincerity shows through ♪ 559 00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:03,387 ♪ Yeah, I look you in the eye ♪ 560 00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:06,390 ♪ I don't even have to try It's automatic ♪ 561 00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,142 ♪ I'm sincere ♪ 562 00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:13,563 ♪ When I sing about a tree ♪ 563 00:37:13,648 --> 00:37:18,110 ♪ Listen, why I really feel that tree ♪ 564 00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:22,739 ♪ Yeah, when I sing about a girl I really feel that girl ♪ 565 00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:25,409 ♪ I mean I really feel ♪ 566 00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:30,831 ♪ Sincere ♪ 567 00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:33,750 ♪ Why, if you're really sincere ♪ 568 00:37:33,835 --> 00:37:37,379 ♪ If you're really sincere If you feel it in here ♪ 569 00:37:37,505 --> 00:37:40,590 ♪ Then it's gotta be right Oh, baby ♪ 570 00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,592 ♪ Oh, honey ♪ 571 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:46,263 ♪ Hug me Ah, suffer ♪ 572 00:37:47,181 --> 00:37:49,683 Yeah, here we go now! 573 00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:52,602 ♪ Why, you gotta be sincere ♪ 574 00:37:52,687 --> 00:37:56,940 ♪ Oh, you gotta feel it here Oh, my baby ♪ 575 00:37:57,024 --> 00:38:01,319 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 576 00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:04,781 ♪ Oh, my baby Aw, yeah ♪ 577 00:38:04,866 --> 00:38:06,741 ♪ Go, girl, go ♪ 578 00:38:06,868 --> 00:38:08,785 Angela! Angela! What are you doing? 579 00:38:10,705 --> 00:38:12,831 ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere ♪ 580 00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:14,525 - ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere ♪ 581 00:38:14,726 --> 00:38:15,226 Yeah! 582 00:38:15,410 --> 00:38:18,179 - ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are ya gonna be sincere ♪ 583 00:38:18,380 --> 00:38:19,280 Yeah! 584 00:38:19,464 --> 00:38:22,242 - ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere ♪ 585 00:38:22,443 --> 00:38:23,543 Yeah! 586 00:38:23,626 --> 00:38:26,182 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 587 00:38:26,483 --> 00:38:29,983 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 588 00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:33,143 ♪ Are ya gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere ♪ 589 00:38:33,227 --> 00:38:35,783 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 590 00:38:36,084 --> 00:38:39,884 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 591 00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:43,653 ♪ Oh, my baby Oh, yeah ♪ 592 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:46,323 ♪ Oh, my baby ♪ 593 00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:48,617 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 594 00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:52,829 ♪ Yeah Yeah ♪ 595 00:38:52,914 --> 00:38:54,873 ♪ Yeah ♪♪ 596 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:34,329 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 597 00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:38,416 ♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪ 598 00:39:38,501 --> 00:39:42,379 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 599 00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:46,716 ♪ And we'll be true ♪ 600 00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:51,012 ♪ When you're not near us ♪ 601 00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:54,975 ♪ We're blue ♪ 602 00:39:55,101 --> 00:39:58,270 ♪ Oh, Conrad ♪ 603 00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:01,439 ♪ We love you ♪ 604 00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:05,569 Randolph, your father's warned you. If you make another bomb, you'll get spanked. 605 00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:09,447 - It was an accident, Mom. - Oh! Now, get this stuff out of here. 606 00:40:11,492 --> 00:40:14,035 ♪ We love you, Conrad ♪ 607 00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:16,121 Doris. Doris! 608 00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:18,915 ♪ And we'll be true ♪ 609 00:40:19,041 --> 00:40:22,419 ♪ When you're not near us ♪♪ - Doris, what's going on here? 610 00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:24,879 Harry, where have you been since supper? 611 00:40:24,964 --> 00:40:27,173 In plenty of trouble, but I'm not now. No siree. 612 00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,426 You kids, go home before I sic the constable on you! 613 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,596 Go on! Get that carnival off my front lawn! 614 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,723 I'll show 'em who's boss here! 615 00:40:34,807 --> 00:40:37,792 Harry McAfee's not gonna be pushed around by any roll and rocker. That's for sure. 616 00:40:37,818 --> 00:40:40,979 - Harry, they'll hear you. - Ah, let 'em hear me. 617 00:40:41,105 --> 00:40:44,858 - Put those chemicals away and go to bed! - Yes, Papa. 618 00:40:46,819 --> 00:40:50,447 We're in trouble. He can't stand Conrad living here. 619 00:40:53,242 --> 00:40:56,202 Especially around his pretty young daughter. 620 00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:03,335 She's still under the magic spell. 621 00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:09,883 Dear little Conrad certainly has a devastating impact. 622 00:41:09,967 --> 00:41:12,052 He might make a terrific soldier. 623 00:41:12,136 --> 00:41:14,846 Turn him loose and the enemy'll twitch itself to death. 624 00:41:14,930 --> 00:41:17,474 I don't care. I've changed my mind. 625 00:41:17,558 --> 00:41:22,203 My daughter is not gonna be publicly kissed by that-that wiggler. The deal is off. 626 00:41:22,329 --> 00:41:25,774 But, dear, you know these adolescents. Kim'll lose face. 627 00:41:25,858 --> 00:41:30,570 And if I don't get rid of that Birdie, that's not all she'll- 628 00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:33,156 Now, hear this. I have decided... 629 00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:35,784 that bunch of grafters is getting outta here! 630 00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:40,671 That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household! So you upstairs and tell 'em. 631 00:41:40,697 --> 00:41:44,751 Me? How can I tell Mr. Peterson and that nice Miss De Leon- 632 00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:49,297 Nice? Ha-ha! I know that show business crowd. Probably livin' in sin. 633 00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:51,633 Harry Lionel McAfee! 634 00:41:51,717 --> 00:41:55,804 I never told you. One summer I worked with the circus. Oh, those midgets, wild. 635 00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:56,583 Not another word. 636 00:41:56,884 --> 00:41:59,584 She's been engaged to Peterson for six years. Don't tell me- 637 00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:03,770 - We were engaged for five years. - He's not as stupid as I was. 638 00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:05,033 Are you stupid, Pop? 639 00:42:05,334 --> 00:42:08,134 Find out for yourself! That's the trouble with kids today: lazy! 640 00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:11,820 Will you go up? Get up to bed! 641 00:42:11,904 --> 00:42:15,865 Oh, Harry, they'll be gone day after tomorrow. 642 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,034 I'm a peace-loving man. 643 00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:20,245 A good father and husband. 644 00:42:20,329 --> 00:42:23,707 And the result, the home that I hewed out of this wilderness... 645 00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:26,459 with my bare hands is no longer mine. 646 00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:29,796 Tonight, I had to wait until 6:00 for my supper. 647 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:33,633 And that Peterson grafter, running up my phone bill with long distance calls! 648 00:42:33,759 --> 00:42:37,846 - He offered to reimburse you. - I don't take Diner's Club cards! 649 00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:41,891 And then that snake in a gold suit insists on parking in- 650 00:42:41,976 --> 00:42:45,687 in my beautiful living room! Yech! 651 00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,731 - You know where I've just been? - Where? 652 00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:52,068 To a meeting with the big boys. Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp, my biggest customers. 653 00:42:52,153 --> 00:42:54,821 They don't approve of this kind of notorious goings-on. 654 00:42:54,905 --> 00:42:56,781 Darling, they put pressure on you? 655 00:42:56,866 --> 00:43:00,160 If I don't cancel this whole Birdie deal, 656 00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:03,288 - they'll starve me right out of business. - Oh, my heavens! 657 00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:06,207 It's, it's, it's them or, or us. 658 00:43:13,007 --> 00:43:15,717 - What happened? - Are you all right? 659 00:43:15,843 --> 00:43:17,761 - What's wrong? - Just some of Randolph's chemicals. 660 00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:22,474 A mixture of Iron Sulfide, plus two parts H2SO4. 661 00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:25,351 Smart boy you have there. It isn't every lad who can make a stench bomb. 662 00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:28,980 - Which brings me to Mr. Birdie. - Mr. Peterson is really a biochemist. 663 00:43:29,106 --> 00:43:31,399 - I couldn't care less. - Yes, I am. I have one formula... 664 00:43:31,484 --> 00:43:35,069 which is miraculous in its ability to increase the work output of domestic animals. 665 00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:37,071 About this Birdie- 666 00:43:37,156 --> 00:43:39,824 It speeds up the reflexes so that an ox could outrun a racehorse. 667 00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:43,244 By adding in his formula, a hen will lay three eggs a day. 668 00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:45,997 Three eggs a day? If that's so, you can make a million- 669 00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:49,626 I've been nursing this compound for a year. Still needs more tests, but it works. 670 00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:52,837 - Uh, aren't you in farming? - He's McAfee Fertilizer. 671 00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:54,881 - Oh, yes. - Been in it for 20 years. 672 00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:57,091 - Really? - But I may be out if- 673 00:43:57,176 --> 00:44:01,137 If you and Albert got together, you could revolutionize farm production. 674 00:44:01,263 --> 00:44:04,307 Would you like a demonstration? Do you have a hen? 675 00:44:04,391 --> 00:44:07,310 - Uh, how about trying it on that? - A tortoise. I don't know. 676 00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:10,897 Sure. It won't bite. Here, let me. 677 00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:18,404 Of course, there isn't much demand for turtle eggs, but, uh... 678 00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:22,659 if it really works on farm animals maybe you and me could do some business. 679 00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:28,998 I'll sure need something if I let Kim go through with this Birdie stuff. 680 00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:31,334 Some of Harry's customers are against it. 681 00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:35,421 - So I've decided it's absolutely out of the question. - Oh, your neighbors are going... 682 00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:40,510 to be thrilled when they see the two of you on The Ed Sullivan Show. 683 00:44:40,594 --> 00:44:42,887 - The Ed- - The Ed Sullivan Show. 684 00:44:43,013 --> 00:44:46,891 - We, uh-we were saving that as a surprise. - Yes, a surprise. 685 00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:51,354 - Me, me on Ed Sullivan? - Oh, I'd die. What would I wear? 686 00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,314 Oh, we'll find something. Gee, Ed sullivan. 687 00:44:53,399 --> 00:44:58,152 He's my favorite human. That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place. 688 00:44:58,237 --> 00:45:01,739 Me on The Ed Sullivan Show? 689 00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:04,075 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 690 00:45:05,995 --> 00:45:08,538 Me, Harry McAfee, appearing with- 691 00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:11,708 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 692 00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:16,963 ♪ Ed Ed Sullivan ♪ 693 00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:19,090 ♪ Ed ♪ 694 00:45:19,174 --> 00:45:24,220 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 695 00:45:24,346 --> 00:45:29,559 ♪ Ahhh ♪ ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 696 00:45:29,643 --> 00:45:32,061 ♪ Ed Ed ♪ 697 00:45:32,146 --> 00:45:35,064 ♪ Sull Sull ♪ 698 00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:39,861 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 699 00:45:39,945 --> 00:45:44,407 ♪ We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan ♪ 700 00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:50,788 ♪ How could any family be ♪ 701 00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:56,002 ♪ Half as fortunate as we ♪ 702 00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:58,796 ♪ We'll be coast-to-coast ♪ 703 00:45:58,881 --> 00:46:02,675 ♪ With our favorite host ♪ 704 00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:15,772 ♪ Ed Sullivan ♪ 705 00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:20,443 ♪ We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan ♪ 706 00:46:21,862 --> 00:46:25,406 ♪ Ooo-oooh ♪ 707 00:46:25,532 --> 00:46:29,577 I've got a wonderful wife. Two swell kids. ♪ Ooo-ooh ♪ 708 00:46:29,662 --> 00:46:33,122 A good business. And now this. 709 00:46:33,207 --> 00:46:36,125 ♪ Someday we'll recall ♪ 710 00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:40,171 ♪ The greatest day of all ♪ 711 00:46:40,255 --> 00:46:42,173 Ed, I love you. 712 00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:51,849 ♪ Ed sullivan ♪♪ 713 00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:03,194 Hello? Oh, yes. 714 00:47:03,278 --> 00:47:06,739 Harry, it's the Mayor. He sounds mad. 715 00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:08,741 I'll handle this. 716 00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:12,495 Yes? Yes, Mayor. 717 00:47:12,579 --> 00:47:17,000 Yes, the boys talked to me. Yep, I've decided. 718 00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:19,377 Birdie stays right here. 719 00:47:19,461 --> 00:47:21,379 And Kim's on TV. 720 00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:25,258 And what's more, I'm gonna be on the show too. 721 00:47:25,342 --> 00:47:27,218 With Eddie Sullivan. 722 00:47:27,302 --> 00:47:31,806 Now, listen, Harry. You saw what that crazy galoot did at the reception. 723 00:47:33,809 --> 00:47:36,269 It was a disgrace! 724 00:47:36,353 --> 00:47:40,732 Uh, look, Mayor, you're gonna be on TV too. 725 00:47:40,816 --> 00:47:43,401 They want you to make a speech. 726 00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,821 They want me... 727 00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:48,906 on Ed Sullivan? 728 00:47:50,909 --> 00:47:53,953 A short speech. Why, sure. 729 00:47:55,748 --> 00:47:58,958 I could become a statewide face. 730 00:47:59,043 --> 00:48:01,210 It's a deal, Mayor. 731 00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,880 Sure, I'll plug you up for governor. 732 00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:06,507 Bye, Sam. 733 00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:08,676 What a hambo. 734 00:48:08,761 --> 00:48:12,805 Well, it's, uh-it's been a long day, so I think we'll- 735 00:48:22,483 --> 00:48:25,401 I'm thinkin' of callin' 'em "speed-Up." You like it, Mr. McAfee? 736 00:48:25,486 --> 00:48:28,029 "Feed Up With Speed-Up." I love it, partner. 737 00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:31,949 - How will Randolph ever catch his tortoise? - Just give him one of these. 738 00:48:32,076 --> 00:48:35,036 Hi, Mr. McAfee. Gee, I just wanted to thank you. 739 00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:39,582 My dad said you're not letting Kim go on TV and kiss that-That! 740 00:48:39,666 --> 00:48:42,293 It can't be true! Oh, Mr. McAfee, 741 00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:45,505 you wouldn't destroy Kim, your own flesh and blood. 742 00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:48,424 Oh, sure he would. A father has a right. Right? 743 00:48:48,509 --> 00:48:51,761 Hugo, my daughter's old enough to make her own decisions. 744 00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:54,305 So, I've decided to let her do it. 745 00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:59,435 Well, in that case, your daughter's the former future Mrs. Hugo Peabody. 746 00:48:59,561 --> 00:49:01,729 - Oh, Hugo, stop acting like a child. - Kim! 747 00:49:01,855 --> 00:49:06,442 - Where is he? Can I see him? - Conrad's asleep, poor dear. 748 00:49:06,527 --> 00:49:08,778 You may peek through his keyhole, while I- 749 00:49:08,862 --> 00:49:12,406 while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo. 750 00:49:27,131 --> 00:49:29,048 You're lucky people. 751 00:49:29,133 --> 00:49:32,343 What'd we ever do to deserve such a daughter? 752 00:49:32,427 --> 00:49:35,012 We got married. 753 00:49:35,097 --> 00:49:36,973 Marriage. 754 00:49:37,099 --> 00:49:40,393 But, Kim-Yeah, but, Kim-I don't have time for debate. 755 00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:43,479 Ursula's waiting. I've gotta learn my speech for tomorrow's rehearsal. 756 00:49:43,564 --> 00:49:47,650 Wait a minute, Kim. Don't go yet, please. 757 00:49:47,734 --> 00:49:51,445 Gee, you don't know what I've been through with all the guys buggin' me. 758 00:49:51,572 --> 00:49:55,741 - Well, about you and that Birdie creep. - Oh, that. 759 00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:59,036 - Yeah, that! - Well, that's silly. 760 00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:02,248 Aw, he means nothing to me. 761 00:50:05,752 --> 00:50:07,753 ♪ One boy ♪ 762 00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:13,176 ♪ One special boy ♪ 763 00:50:13,260 --> 00:50:16,345 ♪ One boy to go with ♪ 764 00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:20,474 ♪ To talk with and walk with ♪ 765 00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:22,977 ♪ One boy ♪ 766 00:50:23,061 --> 00:50:28,024 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 767 00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:31,694 Yeah. Yeah! That's the way it should be. 768 00:50:31,778 --> 00:50:33,863 ♪ One boy ♪ 769 00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:36,532 ♪ One certain boy ♪ 770 00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:39,243 ♪ One boy to laugh with ♪ 771 00:50:39,328 --> 00:50:42,997 ♪ To joke with Have Coke with ♪ 772 00:50:43,081 --> 00:50:45,791 ♪ One boy ♪ 773 00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:50,671 ♪ Not two or three ♪ 774 00:50:53,967 --> 00:50:56,552 ♪ One day ♪ 775 00:50:56,637 --> 00:50:59,889 ♪ You'll find out ♪ 776 00:50:59,973 --> 00:51:05,895 ♪ This is what life is all about ♪ 777 00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:11,734 ♪ You need someone who ♪ 778 00:51:11,818 --> 00:51:14,070 ♪ Is living ♪ 779 00:51:14,154 --> 00:51:18,199 ♪ Just for you ♪ 780 00:51:18,283 --> 00:51:21,577 ♪ One boy ♪ 781 00:51:21,662 --> 00:51:23,955 ♪ One steady boy ♪ 782 00:51:24,039 --> 00:51:26,540 ♪ One boy to be with ♪ 783 00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:30,253 ♪ Forever and ever ♪ 784 00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:33,130 ♪ One boy ♪ 785 00:51:33,215 --> 00:51:45,726 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 786 00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:57,196 Now, is that the kiss of a woman interested in any other man? 787 00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:03,286 I don't know. How do I tell? 788 00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:11,294 - Aw, but he made you faint! - Oh, he did not! 789 00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:15,047 I-I was just exhausted cramming for my English exam. 790 00:52:17,009 --> 00:52:21,762 Hugo. Hugo, you-you've got to try to understand me... 791 00:52:21,847 --> 00:52:24,265 as a woman. 792 00:52:24,349 --> 00:52:27,601 Now, I might like Conrad as a friend. 793 00:52:27,686 --> 00:52:30,938 But when it comes to the real thing- 794 00:52:31,023 --> 00:52:34,066 oh, the grand passion- 795 00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:38,571 well, that's something special, Hugo. 796 00:52:38,655 --> 00:52:41,490 That's you. 797 00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:44,160 ♪ One day ♪ 798 00:52:44,244 --> 00:52:46,537 ♪ You'll find out ♪ 799 00:52:46,621 --> 00:52:49,999 ♪ This is what life is all about ♪ 800 00:52:50,083 --> 00:52:54,795 ♪ You need someone who ♪ 801 00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:57,089 ♪ Is living ♪ 802 00:52:57,174 --> 00:53:01,552 ♪ Just for you ♪ 803 00:53:01,636 --> 00:53:03,846 ♪ One boy ♪ 804 00:53:03,930 --> 00:53:06,307 ♪ One steady boy ♪ 805 00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:08,684 ♪ One boy to be with ♪ 806 00:53:08,769 --> 00:53:11,437 ♪ Forever and ever ♪ 807 00:53:11,521 --> 00:53:14,357 ♪ One boy ♪ 808 00:53:14,441 --> 00:53:20,780 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 809 00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:23,866 ♪ That's the way ♪ 810 00:53:23,950 --> 00:53:29,997 ♪ It should be ♪ 811 00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:36,545 Homework! Hey, I got homework to do! 812 00:53:36,630 --> 00:53:38,339 Come on. 813 00:53:50,852 --> 00:53:55,856 ♪ When will he find out ♪ 814 00:53:55,941 --> 00:54:00,820 ♪ This is what life is all about ♪ 815 00:54:02,197 --> 00:54:06,826 ♪ Will he ever see ♪ 816 00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:11,997 ♪ I need him ♪ 817 00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:18,838 ♪ And he needs me ♪ 818 00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:22,883 ♪ One boy ♪ ♪ One special boy ♪ 819 00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:25,469 ♪ One special boy ♪ ♪ One boy ♪ 820 00:54:25,595 --> 00:54:28,889 ♪ To be with always ♪ ♪ One boy to be with ♪ 821 00:54:29,015 --> 00:54:33,936 ♪ Forever and ever ♪ ♪ Forever ♪ 822 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:37,857 ♪ I love him ♪ ♪ One boy ♪ 823 00:54:37,983 --> 00:54:46,532 ♪ I love him so ♪ ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 824 00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:54,790 ♪ That's the way it should be ♪ 825 00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:02,965 ♪ That's the way ♪ 826 00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:11,557 ♪ It should be ♪♪ 827 00:55:29,284 --> 00:55:33,746 Hello, Sweet Apple Drive-In. I'm looking for my mother, Mrs. Peterson. 828 00:55:33,830 --> 00:55:38,000 Are you sure there's no one left in your drive-in? Okay, thank you. 829 00:55:38,084 --> 00:55:40,961 Don't worry, partner. Your mother'll get along fine. 830 00:55:41,046 --> 00:55:43,339 Sweet Apple's full of friendly folk. 831 00:55:43,423 --> 00:55:46,050 Oh, if anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself. 832 00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:48,636 What kind of a dump is this? - Dump? 833 00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:53,265 Conrad. Let's humor him, partner. If he walks off The Sullivan Show, we're sunk. 834 00:55:53,350 --> 00:55:55,267 Gotcha. 835 00:55:57,479 --> 00:56:00,064 I can't find no church key in my room. 836 00:56:00,148 --> 00:56:03,400 Church key? We've had a church here, but it's open. 837 00:56:03,527 --> 00:56:08,864 A can opener, man. Sheesh. You're from nowhere-like. 838 00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:22,253 Well, that's my favorite brand. 839 00:56:22,337 --> 00:56:25,506 Well, it's, uh... bedtime, huh, Conrad? 840 00:56:28,385 --> 00:56:32,263 Okay, for tonight. But tomorrow's saturday. 841 00:56:32,347 --> 00:56:36,058 And that's my real tense night. 842 00:56:44,150 --> 00:56:46,902 Thanks, Mr. McAfee. 843 00:56:46,987 --> 00:56:51,198 The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy. 844 00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:53,409 I am a lucky man, though, Albert. 845 00:56:53,493 --> 00:56:55,869 Meetin' up with a biochemical wizard. 846 00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:59,248 Peterson and McAfee are goin' right to the moon. 847 00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:04,128 I've got to. Not just for my mother, for Rosie. 848 00:57:10,343 --> 00:57:12,928 Well, I guess I'll get a little air and turn in. 849 00:57:13,013 --> 00:57:16,473 Take all the air you want, chum. 850 00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:34,533 Hi, Rosie. 851 00:57:36,077 --> 00:57:39,747 Rosie, you don't have to worry about Mama. She'll show up. 852 00:57:39,873 --> 00:57:42,791 - I'm certain she will. - Well, then you oughta be happy. 853 00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:47,504 Kim's on the show. Conrad does my song. I promise I'll tell Mama about us. 854 00:57:49,549 --> 00:57:52,009 Come on. 855 00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:04,188 ♪♪ 856 00:58:04,272 --> 00:58:07,149 ♪ Why look so awfully tragic ♪ 857 00:58:07,233 --> 00:58:09,568 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 858 00:58:09,653 --> 00:58:12,321 ♪ Smiling can work like magic ♪ 859 00:58:12,405 --> 00:58:14,948 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 860 00:58:15,033 --> 00:58:18,243 ♪ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy ♪ 861 00:58:18,328 --> 00:58:20,454 ♪ It's not your style ♪ 862 00:58:20,538 --> 00:58:24,041 ♪ You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided ♪ 863 00:58:24,125 --> 00:58:26,085 ♪ To smile ♪ 864 00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,712 ♪ Pick out a pleasant outlook ♪ 865 00:58:28,797 --> 00:58:31,340 ♪ Stick out that noble chin ♪ 866 00:58:31,424 --> 00:58:34,343 ♪ Wipe off the full-of-doubt look ♪ 867 00:58:34,427 --> 00:58:37,179 ♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪ 868 00:58:37,263 --> 00:58:41,183 ♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪ 869 00:58:41,267 --> 00:58:45,604 ♪ Just put on a happy face ♪ 870 00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:52,528 Flowers? 871 00:58:52,612 --> 00:58:55,155 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 872 00:58:57,742 --> 00:59:00,494 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 873 00:59:03,248 --> 00:59:05,457 ♪ It's such a strain ♪ 874 00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:08,377 ♪ I always try to chuckle hourly ♪ 875 00:59:08,461 --> 00:59:11,088 ♪ It clears the brain ♪ 876 00:59:13,508 --> 00:59:18,095 ♪ I knew a girl so gloomy She'd never laugh or sing ♪ 877 00:59:18,179 --> 00:59:20,889 ♪ She wouldn't listen to me ♪ 878 00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:23,142 ♪ Now she's a mean old thing ♪ 879 00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:28,689 ♪ So spread sunshine all over the place ♪ 880 00:59:28,773 --> 00:59:32,234 ♪ Put on a happy ♪ 881 01:00:44,766 --> 01:00:52,481 ♪ So put on a happy face ♪♪ 882 01:01:07,247 --> 01:01:10,999 Well, like I said, 883 01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:13,794 you're a genius, Dr. Peterson. 884 01:01:13,878 --> 01:01:17,840 Ah, honey, you sure have put up with a lot, but this time we're gonna make it. 885 01:01:17,966 --> 01:01:21,110 - Let's live in a small town like this. - Anything you say, dear. 886 01:01:21,311 --> 01:01:22,111 Okay. 887 01:01:22,636 --> 01:01:25,681 The last time we were alone together, 888 01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:29,560 last summer at Palisades Park, we went through the Tunnel of Love. 889 01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,562 Your mother sat between us. 890 01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:34,606 Oh, honey, I told you, from now on, things are gonna be different. 891 01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:38,527 Yoo-hoo! Albert! - It's Mama. 892 01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:40,529 Mama? 893 01:01:40,613 --> 01:01:42,531 Mama! 894 01:01:43,950 --> 01:01:48,203 Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. 895 01:01:48,288 --> 01:01:51,623 Boy gets mother. Eeew-ooo! 896 01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:58,714 - Mama, where have you been? - Neglected! That's where I've been. 897 01:01:58,798 --> 01:02:01,967 Well, I tried to find you. Have you had any dinner? 898 01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:06,305 A mother doesn't need food. Besides, I'd rather be with my famous son. 899 01:02:06,389 --> 01:02:10,225 - Albert, what is it? - Oh, it's your mother. Oh, good evening. 900 01:02:10,351 --> 01:02:13,103 - How are you, ma'am? - How can I be? 901 01:02:13,187 --> 01:02:16,565 Ripped from my native land, alone in this jungle. 902 01:02:16,649 --> 01:02:19,526 Gosh, Albert, I wish we had room to put up your mother. 903 01:02:19,611 --> 01:02:23,655 Thanks. A motel mattress full of lumps is good enough for me. 904 01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:26,742 Comfort is for my loving son. 905 01:02:31,956 --> 01:02:34,541 I just came to tuck you into bed. 906 01:02:34,626 --> 01:02:37,586 Mama's got a condition. She won't tell me what it is. 907 01:02:37,670 --> 01:02:40,422 Why worry a growing boy? 908 01:02:40,506 --> 01:02:43,592 Okay, if you insist. 909 01:02:43,676 --> 01:02:47,179 I got maybe one-tenth a normal heart. 910 01:02:47,263 --> 01:02:49,556 A mother doesn't need a heart. 911 01:02:49,641 --> 01:02:52,517 As soon as Albert and I get our new deal a-rollin', 912 01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:55,187 you'll have the finest doctors in the country. 913 01:02:55,271 --> 01:02:58,649 Deal? What deal, Albert? 914 01:02:58,733 --> 01:03:03,737 Well, Mama, I'm quitting the music business and going back to chemistry. 915 01:03:03,821 --> 01:03:07,741 That Rosie! She's finally turned you against me. 916 01:03:07,825 --> 01:03:09,785 Ah, please, Mama, she didn't! 917 01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:11,912 Albert, go, desert me! 918 01:03:11,996 --> 01:03:16,124 But when I was expecting him in the maternity ward, three days I waited. 919 01:03:16,209 --> 01:03:18,293 Did I desert him? No. 920 01:03:18,378 --> 01:03:21,755 I stayed right there so he wouldn't be alone when he was born! 921 01:03:21,839 --> 01:03:25,133 Mama, please don't excite yourself. Mama, you know I love you. 922 01:03:25,218 --> 01:03:27,970 - It's just Rosie and I have plans. - Okay. 923 01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:30,389 Lou. 924 01:03:30,473 --> 01:03:32,391 I'll be right up. 925 01:03:32,475 --> 01:03:34,476 Start dealing. 926 01:03:36,813 --> 01:03:41,650 Just bury me on your front lawn so Rosie can walk all over me! 927 01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,738 Mama! Mama, please! 928 01:03:46,823 --> 01:03:50,659 - It's not gas. It's electric. - Doris! 929 01:03:50,743 --> 01:03:54,162 Doris! Doris! 930 01:03:54,247 --> 01:03:58,000 Doris, how do you like it? Isn't it exciting? 931 01:03:58,084 --> 01:04:01,920 No, no, no! I told you not to dye your hair! 932 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:04,506 Oh, but I wanted to. Isn't it a gas? 933 01:04:04,590 --> 01:04:06,925 You dare defy your mother? 934 01:04:07,010 --> 01:04:10,387 - Well, it's my hair. - Not till you're 21. 935 01:04:10,471 --> 01:04:11,983 What's the matter, Papa? 936 01:04:12,184 --> 01:04:14,584 Young lady, you stay in your room till it changes back! 937 01:04:14,767 --> 01:04:17,102 - Do ya hear? - I won't! I won't! 938 01:04:17,228 --> 01:04:19,688 - I demand respect around here. - It's my hair. 939 01:04:19,772 --> 01:04:22,941 - Respect, do ya hear? Respect! - I respect you, Papa. 940 01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:25,360 I don't want your respect. 941 01:04:25,445 --> 01:04:29,364 Who wants respect from a ten-year-old kid? 942 01:04:29,449 --> 01:04:33,368 ♪ Kids I don't know what's wrong with these kids today ♪ 943 01:04:33,453 --> 01:04:37,789 ♪ Kids Who can understand anything they say ♪ 944 01:04:37,874 --> 01:04:42,044 ♪ Kids They are disobedient disrespectful oafs ♪ 945 01:04:42,128 --> 01:04:46,465 ♪ Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers While we're on the subject ♪ 946 01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:50,635 ♪ Kids You can talk and talk till your face is blue ♪ 947 01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:54,973 ♪ Kids But they still do just what they want to do ♪ 948 01:04:55,058 --> 01:04:57,350 ♪ Why can't they be like we were ♪ 949 01:04:57,435 --> 01:04:59,436 ♪ Perfect in every way ♪ 950 01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:02,481 ♪ What's the matter with kids today ♪ 951 01:05:04,108 --> 01:05:07,569 ♪ Kids I've tried to raise you the best I could ♪ 952 01:05:07,653 --> 01:05:12,407 ♪ Kids All the things I've done were for your own good ♪ 953 01:05:12,492 --> 01:05:16,912 ♪ Kids Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed ♪ 954 01:05:16,996 --> 01:05:21,208 ♪ Working, slaving scrimping, saving pennies And living with your father ♪ 955 01:05:21,292 --> 01:05:24,086 ♪ Kids No one knows the burdens I've had to bear ♪ 956 01:05:24,170 --> 01:05:26,088 ♪ And in my condition ♪ 957 01:05:26,172 --> 01:05:29,841 ♪ Kids I'm a poor sick woman and does he care, ha ♪ 958 01:05:29,926 --> 01:05:34,221 ♪ Go on, go on and kill me That's what it's coming to ♪ 959 01:05:34,305 --> 01:05:37,516 ♪ When a mother has kids like you ♪ 960 01:05:39,185 --> 01:05:41,937 ♪ Kids ♪ ♪ All the chicken soup that I made for you ♪ 961 01:05:42,021 --> 01:05:43,939 Mama, take it easy. ♪ Kids ♪ 962 01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:46,983 ♪ Now you throw me out like a worn-out shoe ♪ 963 01:05:47,068 --> 01:05:51,613 Not in front of everybody, Mom. ♪ After all, I haven't been such an awful son ♪ 964 01:05:51,697 --> 01:05:55,033 ♪ I never sassed you back or leave a ring around the bathtub ♪ 965 01:05:55,159 --> 01:05:57,202 ♪ And don't I always phone you ♪ ♪ Kids ♪ 966 01:05:57,286 --> 01:06:00,455 ♪ You can give your life to them night and day ♪ 967 01:06:00,540 --> 01:06:02,999 ♪ Kids Then they go get married ând movie away ♪ 968 01:06:03,126 --> 01:06:05,127 ♪ And move away ♪ Who's gettin' married? 969 01:06:05,211 --> 01:06:07,295 ♪ Why do we have these children ♪ 970 01:06:07,380 --> 01:06:10,674 ♪ Better to have a pet ♪ You know where you stand with the pet. 971 01:06:13,261 --> 01:06:15,512 ♪ I've never asked for nothin' ♪ 972 01:06:15,596 --> 01:06:17,514 ♪ Nothin' is what you'll get ♪ 973 01:06:17,598 --> 01:06:20,600 ♪ What's the matter with kids to- ♪ 974 01:06:20,726 --> 01:06:24,396 - I tried, Lou, but I failed. - Oh, you didn't, Mama. 975 01:06:24,480 --> 01:06:27,482 Don't try to pay me back, sonny. I forgive ya. 976 01:06:27,608 --> 01:06:30,536 So what if you're an ingrate, so long as you're happy. 977 01:06:30,737 --> 01:06:31,537 I don't wanna be happy. 978 01:06:31,821 --> 01:06:36,575 Don't feel guilty. Just make believe I'm an old, used car. Junk me, leave me in the gutter. 979 01:06:36,701 --> 01:06:37,643 I'll never leave you. Never. 980 01:06:38,128 --> 01:06:39,355 You heard him. You're a witness. 981 01:06:39,556 --> 01:06:42,356 I promise, Mama. I never broke a promise to my mama. 982 01:06:42,582 --> 01:06:45,959 Good boy. ♪ Why can't they be like Albert ♪ 983 01:06:46,043 --> 01:06:50,213 - ♪ Perfect in every way ♪ - ♪ What's the matter with kids ♪ 984 01:06:50,298 --> 01:06:52,549 ♪ Yeah, what's the matter with kids ♪ 985 01:06:52,633 --> 01:06:56,344 ♪ Nothing's the matter with kids today ♪♪ 986 01:06:58,806 --> 01:07:01,683 Mr. Paisley, this is Rose De Leon. 987 01:07:01,767 --> 01:07:07,230 You asked me to call if I had any free time. Well, I'm free. Very free. 988 01:07:07,315 --> 01:07:10,567 - Rosie! - Ten minutes? 989 01:07:10,651 --> 01:07:13,195 Oh, I'll be waiting for you. 990 01:07:15,865 --> 01:07:18,909 Don't worry, sonny. You can always get another secretary. 991 01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:20,952 Rosie! 992 01:07:25,082 --> 01:07:28,376 Can you see him? Can you see him? 993 01:07:28,461 --> 01:07:30,420 No. Babette, can you see him? 994 01:07:30,504 --> 01:07:35,300 I can't see him. All I can see is the basketball hoop. Hey, Gret, can you see him? 995 01:07:35,384 --> 01:07:37,969 Conrad Birdie in our gym. 996 01:07:38,137 --> 01:07:40,263 ♪♪♪ Uh, uh, oh ♪ 997 01:07:40,348 --> 01:07:42,515 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 998 01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:45,143 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 999 01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:49,064 ♪ One more time Baby, one more time ♪ 1000 01:07:49,148 --> 01:07:53,235 ♪ It really is sublime Ah, baby, so sublime ♪ 1001 01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:55,403 ♪ You know I need your love ♪ 1002 01:07:55,488 --> 01:07:59,616 ♪ Uh, uh, oh Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1003 01:07:59,700 --> 01:08:02,911 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 1004 01:08:02,995 --> 01:08:06,581 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-a-by ♪ 1005 01:08:06,666 --> 01:08:10,794 ♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪ 1006 01:08:10,878 --> 01:08:15,423 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-a-by ♪ 1007 01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:19,594 ♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪ 1008 01:08:19,679 --> 01:08:24,599 ♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪ 1009 01:08:24,684 --> 01:08:26,977 ♪ Give me one last kiss ♪ 1010 01:08:27,061 --> 01:08:31,273 ♪ It never felt like this Nah, baby, not like this ♪ 1011 01:08:31,357 --> 01:08:33,483 ♪ Ya know I need your love ♪ 1012 01:08:33,567 --> 01:08:36,278 ♪ Uh, uh, oh-♪♪ - Okay, cut. 1013 01:08:36,362 --> 01:08:40,198 We'll rehearse the song later, Conrad. Al, what's the exact length? 1014 01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:44,202 Oh, uh, one, uh-1:20. 1015 01:08:44,287 --> 01:08:47,747 Check. That gives us two minutes and forty seconds for Sullivan's intro to Kim. 1016 01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:52,127 Kim's good luck speech to Conrad. Then Conrad socks over a plug for army enlistment. 1017 01:08:52,211 --> 01:08:56,131 Bangs into the song. And we top it all off with a big kisseroo. Kim? 1018 01:08:56,215 --> 01:08:59,134 Yes, sir. 1019 01:08:59,218 --> 01:09:02,679 Uh, uh, beg, beg pardon, but when do I make my speech? 1020 01:09:02,763 --> 01:09:04,681 Speech? What speech? 1021 01:09:04,765 --> 01:09:08,685 I promised Mr. McAfee he could say a few words. After all, he's Kim's father. 1022 01:09:08,811 --> 01:09:12,105 - Yes, he is. - Kind of a hello from a proud parent. 1023 01:09:12,189 --> 01:09:16,651 All right. But ya can't have much time. In fact, all you can have is 20 seconds on the nose. 1024 01:09:16,736 --> 01:09:21,656 Gotcha. I'll just say a few words, get some big laughs. And introduce the Mayor. 1025 01:09:21,741 --> 01:09:24,326 The Mayor? Aw, come on, Al, what is this? 1026 01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:27,245 I- We had a problem. 1027 01:09:27,330 --> 01:09:30,206 I had to give the Mayor a spot to humor McAfee. 1028 01:09:30,291 --> 01:09:34,419 All right. All right. But we'll have to take ten seconds away from McAfee. 1029 01:09:34,545 --> 01:09:36,273 I imagine songwriting must be quite a lucrative profession. 1030 01:09:36,574 --> 01:09:37,974 Oh, yes, it is. 1031 01:09:38,257 --> 01:09:40,967 Well, how many records of this song will they sell? 1032 01:09:41,093 --> 01:09:43,011 Oh, about one or two million. 1033 01:09:43,095 --> 01:09:45,972 You know, Claude, I had a perfectly wonderful time last night. 1034 01:09:46,098 --> 01:09:48,433 - You really are a wonderful dancer. - Oh, I don't know. 1035 01:09:48,559 --> 01:09:52,228 - When one's heart sings, one's feet take wings. - Oh, how lyrical. 1036 01:09:52,355 --> 01:09:55,482 - Is that shelley or Keats? - That, my dear, is Paisley. 1037 01:09:55,608 --> 01:09:57,525 - Really? That's wonderful. - Uh-huh. 1038 01:09:57,610 --> 01:09:59,569 Shall we go? 1039 01:09:59,653 --> 01:10:01,571 Surely. 1040 01:10:04,784 --> 01:10:07,285 Okay, everybody, take your places. 1041 01:10:07,370 --> 01:10:09,329 Now, come on, Kim, move right over there. 1042 01:10:09,455 --> 01:10:11,748 Just read it like you normally would. 1043 01:10:11,832 --> 01:10:15,502 And we, your admirers, are proud that our military leaders have called upon you- 1044 01:10:15,586 --> 01:10:19,464 - Conrad, honey. - Please, Mrs. Peterson, we're rehearsing. 1045 01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:22,217 All right now, Kim. 1046 01:10:22,301 --> 01:10:25,970 Could you move over one, please? 1047 01:10:26,055 --> 01:10:30,683 Kim, you're talking too fast. Now once more, dear, but slower. 1048 01:10:30,810 --> 01:10:35,313 To express to you- - Mrs. Peterson, what does your husband do? 1049 01:10:35,398 --> 01:10:37,941 I don't know. He's dead. 1050 01:10:38,025 --> 01:10:40,235 And- And- 1051 01:10:40,319 --> 01:10:44,030 And I want to say on behalf of all the girls... 1052 01:10:44,115 --> 01:10:47,200 who are your devoted admirers- 1053 01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:50,078 - Oh, I forgot what's next. - Come on, man, let's go. 1054 01:10:50,162 --> 01:10:51,663 - Hiya, Hugo. - Hi, Kim. 1055 01:10:51,747 --> 01:10:54,332 They don't want this jazz. They want Conrad. 1056 01:10:54,417 --> 01:10:58,169 There's the camera. I bail in. I sing up a storm. 1057 01:10:58,254 --> 01:11:00,463 I give this chick the message. 1058 01:11:02,716 --> 01:11:05,260 This is my best side. 1059 01:11:05,344 --> 01:11:08,221 - She's fainted! - Applause. Applause. I'll dig you later, Dad. 1060 01:11:08,305 --> 01:11:11,975 - I've had enough! I'll put my foot down! 1061 01:11:12,059 --> 01:11:14,477 I'm putting my foot down! She's not going on that show! 1062 01:11:14,603 --> 01:11:16,248 Oh, yes, she is. You're not wrecking my career. 1063 01:11:17,149 --> 01:11:18,549 Oh, what happened? 1064 01:11:18,732 --> 01:11:21,151 Tell him you're through because you do not wish... 1065 01:11:21,235 --> 01:11:23,653 to humiliate your steady in this sordid fashion. 1066 01:11:23,737 --> 01:11:25,905 Hugo Peabody, you take that back! 1067 01:11:26,031 --> 01:11:28,658 I will not, but I will take my pin back! 1068 01:11:28,742 --> 01:11:31,035 Oh, with pleasure! 1069 01:11:39,128 --> 01:11:43,298 Conrad, I know you're tense, but we haven't finished the number. It's not ready. 1070 01:11:43,382 --> 01:11:46,342 Conrad's a trooper, like I was. Us troopers get tense. 1071 01:11:46,427 --> 01:11:48,344 Yeah man, like she said like. 1072 01:11:48,429 --> 01:11:51,264 Why don't you and I go for a nice ride in the country? 1073 01:11:51,348 --> 01:11:55,643 Uh-uh. Man, I hope I never get that tense. 1074 01:11:58,397 --> 01:12:00,773 I never should have said that to Rosie. 1075 01:12:00,900 --> 01:12:04,152 Who does he think he is? - Al, I got a wire from Sullivan. 1076 01:12:04,236 --> 01:12:07,447 "Russian Ballet switching to different dance, requiring additional four minutes. 1077 01:12:07,573 --> 01:12:10,784 "Therefore, the entire Birdie spot must be cut to less than 30 seconds. 1078 01:12:10,985 --> 01:12:11,685 Cut!? 1079 01:12:11,869 --> 01:12:14,871 Tell Peterson and Rosie I'm sorry, song is out, but no choice." 1080 01:12:14,955 --> 01:12:18,583 Oh, no! No, no! They can't do this! They can't cut the song! 1081 01:12:18,667 --> 01:12:22,837 They've already done it, kid. In thirty seconds, all Birdie can do is take a bow. 1082 01:12:22,922 --> 01:12:24,839 I'm awfully sorry. 1083 01:12:26,091 --> 01:12:27,967 The Russians! 1084 01:12:28,052 --> 01:12:33,014 First they take Czechoslovakia, now they take my four minutes! Oh, Mama. 1085 01:12:33,098 --> 01:12:35,517 Oh, baby. Oh. 1086 01:12:35,601 --> 01:12:38,811 Well, that's- that's show business. 1087 01:12:55,829 --> 01:13:05,880 ♪♪ 1088 01:13:05,965 --> 01:13:10,218 ♪ There are chicks just right for some kissin' ♪ 1089 01:13:10,302 --> 01:13:14,597 ♪ And I mean to kiss me a few ♪ 1090 01:13:14,682 --> 01:13:19,143 ♪ Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin' ♪ 1091 01:13:19,228 --> 01:13:23,064 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1092 01:13:23,148 --> 01:13:27,694 ♪ Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin' ♪ 1093 01:13:27,778 --> 01:13:31,573 ♪ And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new ♪ 1094 01:13:31,657 --> 01:13:36,744 ♪ Gotta move 'cause time is a-wastin' ♪ 1095 01:13:36,829 --> 01:13:40,456 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1096 01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:43,668 ♪ There's music to play Places to go ♪ 1097 01:13:43,752 --> 01:13:45,628 ♪ People to see ♪ 1098 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:49,632 ♪ Everything for you and me ♪ 1099 01:13:49,717 --> 01:13:53,928 ♪ Life's a ball if only you know it ♪ 1100 01:13:54,013 --> 01:13:58,308 ♪ And it's all just waitin' for you ♪ 1101 01:13:58,392 --> 01:14:02,604 ♪ You're alive so come on and show it ♪ 1102 01:14:02,688 --> 01:14:06,608 ♪ Yeah, we've got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1103 01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:09,777 ♪ There are men ♪ 1104 01:14:09,862 --> 01:14:12,572 ♪ With childhood behind them ♪ 1105 01:14:14,033 --> 01:14:17,160 ♪ Handsome men ♪ 1106 01:14:17,244 --> 01:14:19,537 ♪ From Yale or Purdue ♪ 1107 01:14:21,373 --> 01:14:24,459 ♪ Older men ♪ 1108 01:14:24,543 --> 01:14:27,170 ♪ And I'm gonna find 'em ♪ 1109 01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:35,595 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1110 01:14:35,679 --> 01:14:40,808 ♪ I-I-I'm a-gonna have fun Gonna be wild ♪ 1111 01:14:40,893 --> 01:14:43,728 ♪ Have my own way ♪ 1112 01:14:43,812 --> 01:14:47,148 ♪ I may break ♪ 1113 01:14:47,232 --> 01:14:50,234 ♪ A heart a day ♪ 1114 01:14:51,111 --> 01:14:54,280 ♪ Drink champagne ♪ 1115 01:14:54,365 --> 01:14:56,949 ♪ As if it were water ♪ 1116 01:14:58,744 --> 01:15:00,745 ♪ Pink champagne ♪ 1117 01:15:01,872 --> 01:15:04,707 ♪ And after a few ♪ 1118 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:09,170 ♪ Daddy dear ♪ 1119 01:15:09,254 --> 01:15:12,090 ♪ You won't know your daughter ♪ 1120 01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:19,555 ♪ She's got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1121 01:15:24,728 --> 01:15:29,023 ♪ Think I'll be a ring-a-ding drummer ♪ 1122 01:15:29,108 --> 01:15:33,361 ♪ Make each week a thousand or two ♪ 1123 01:15:33,445 --> 01:15:37,365 ♪ Gorgeous girls will beg for my number ♪ 1124 01:15:37,449 --> 01:15:42,120 ♪ Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1125 01:15:42,204 --> 01:15:44,789 ♪ Yes, I'm gonna break out Gonna take off ♪ 1126 01:15:44,873 --> 01:15:47,208 ♪ Gonna be free ♪ 1127 01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:51,462 ♪ This town is awfully square for a cat like me ♪ 1128 01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:55,341 ♪ Or I'll be a superjet pilot ♪ 1129 01:15:55,426 --> 01:15:59,387 ♪ Fly me high way out in the blue ♪ 1130 01:15:59,471 --> 01:16:04,058 ♪ Then they'll see I'm no shrinking violet ♪ 1131 01:16:04,143 --> 01:16:07,478 ♪ Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1132 01:17:23,013 --> 01:17:39,946 ♪♪ 1133 01:17:40,030 --> 01:17:43,074 ♪♪ 1134 01:18:39,548 --> 01:18:44,635 ♪ I got a lot of livin' to do ♪ 1135 01:19:06,074 --> 01:19:09,368 - ♪ There's music to play ♪ - ♪ Places to go ♪ 1136 01:19:09,453 --> 01:19:11,412 ♪ People to see ♪ 1137 01:19:11,496 --> 01:19:15,583 ♪ Ah, everything for you and me ♪ 1138 01:19:15,667 --> 01:19:19,879 ♪ Life's a ball if only you know it ♪ 1139 01:19:19,963 --> 01:19:24,258 ♪ Yeah, and it's all just waitin' for you ♪ 1140 01:19:24,343 --> 01:19:28,763 ♪ Oh, you're alive so come on and show it ♪ 1141 01:19:28,847 --> 01:19:33,517 ♪ Yeah, we got a lot of livin' Such a lot of livin' ♪ 1142 01:19:33,602 --> 01:19:36,103 ♪ Tonight's the night we're gonna fly ♪ 1143 01:19:36,188 --> 01:19:39,106 ♪ Let's kick this hick town into high ♪ 1144 01:19:42,736 --> 01:19:45,112 ♪ I want a taste of everything ♪ 1145 01:19:45,197 --> 01:19:47,782 ♪ Let's live it up and really swing ♪ 1146 01:19:47,866 --> 01:19:50,785 ♪ Got a lot of livin' ♪ 1147 01:19:50,869 --> 01:19:53,621 ♪ Livin', livin', livin' ♪ 1148 01:19:53,705 --> 01:19:57,041 ♪ Livin' to do ♪♪ Live! 1149 01:20:13,892 --> 01:20:15,810 Hugo. 1150 01:20:32,411 --> 01:20:35,329 ♪♪ 1151 01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:49,277 But you needn't bite my head off. I only asked a civil question. 1152 01:20:49,361 --> 01:20:53,598 Ten times you've asked me. I don't know why they changed to this slow dance for TV. 1153 01:20:53,982 --> 01:20:57,852 All I know is if Albert can't get 'em to cut it shorter, tomorrow night I won't be on Ed Sullivan. 1154 01:20:57,978 --> 01:21:00,222 And neither will Kim, and you know how much it means to her. 1155 01:21:00,223 --> 01:21:01,323 How about m- 1156 01:21:01,606 --> 01:21:05,317 Well, anyway, Albert's still in with the manager, so that's a good sign. 1157 01:21:05,402 --> 01:21:08,279 If Eisenhower couldn't handle the Russians, how's Albert gonna talk to 'em? 1158 01:21:18,540 --> 01:21:21,167 Jack Kennedy. 1159 01:21:21,251 --> 01:21:23,210 Oh, uh, long live Joseph Stalin. 1160 01:21:23,336 --> 01:21:26,172 - Stalin? I mean, uh, Stalin-Stalin lived too long. 1161 01:21:26,298 --> 01:21:28,841 Long live Khrushchev. 1162 01:21:46,318 --> 01:21:48,986 Save your life? Me? 1163 01:21:49,071 --> 01:21:51,781 My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor. 1164 01:21:51,865 --> 01:21:56,494 "If you're sick, see a doctor." You-You speak English? 1165 01:21:56,578 --> 01:21:59,330 It saves time. 1166 01:21:59,414 --> 01:22:03,584 What can I do for you- Uh, Mr., eh, Peterson? 1167 01:22:03,668 --> 01:22:07,088 Sir, I have-I have come to appeal to you. 1168 01:22:07,172 --> 01:22:09,840 That ballet, the one you're doing on TV tomorrow night. 1169 01:22:09,925 --> 01:22:12,134 Da. Mr. Ed Sullivan. 1170 01:22:12,219 --> 01:22:16,388 Yeah, that's the one. Could, could you just cut that four minutes? 1171 01:22:16,473 --> 01:22:18,516 Well, it's beautiful. I love it. 1172 01:22:18,600 --> 01:22:21,102 But my life depends on it. 1173 01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:23,646 Desecrate this classic? 1174 01:22:23,730 --> 01:22:26,524 I need the time for Conrad Birdie to sing my song. 1175 01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:31,278 Who sent you here? Senator Goldwater? 1176 01:22:31,363 --> 01:22:34,365 Will you cut three minutes? 1177 01:22:34,449 --> 01:22:36,617 Two minutes? 1178 01:22:36,701 --> 01:22:39,328 A minute and a half? 1179 01:22:39,412 --> 01:22:42,456 To cut even ten seconds would be artistic sabotage. 1180 01:22:42,541 --> 01:22:45,292 This ballet has historic significance. 1181 01:22:45,377 --> 01:22:48,504 It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Czar. 1182 01:22:48,588 --> 01:22:51,465 Lenin himself made the arrangement. 1183 01:22:51,591 --> 01:22:55,719 - Lenin arranged music? - No, funerals. 1184 01:23:01,560 --> 01:23:05,354 Hello, Rose. - Oh, hi, Kim. You still up? 1185 01:23:05,438 --> 01:23:08,482 Oh, I'm so miserable, Rose. 1186 01:23:08,567 --> 01:23:13,195 I've lost Hugo, and now I'm not even going to be on TV. 1187 01:23:13,321 --> 01:23:16,574 - Why not? - Oh, the Ballet's taking four extra minutes, 1188 01:23:16,658 --> 01:23:19,535 so Birdie's song and the kiss are out. 1189 01:23:19,619 --> 01:23:22,830 Well, serves Albert right. 1190 01:23:22,914 --> 01:23:25,207 Oh, now come on, relax. 1191 01:23:25,292 --> 01:23:28,460 Faithless men like Albert and Hugo, they're all alike. 1192 01:23:28,545 --> 01:23:32,339 From puberty to stupidity, from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini. 1193 01:23:32,424 --> 01:23:36,760 Men... we laugh at them. Right? 1194 01:23:36,845 --> 01:23:41,515 It's easy for you to pick up the pieces of your shattered dream. 1195 01:23:41,600 --> 01:23:44,518 You've found a compensation. 1196 01:23:44,603 --> 01:23:49,607 Oh, that Claude Paisley's just too much. 1197 01:23:49,691 --> 01:23:52,610 He's too much all right. 1198 01:23:52,694 --> 01:23:54,904 But I won't mention of what. 1199 01:23:54,988 --> 01:23:57,823 All that charm, so genteel, 1200 01:23:57,908 --> 01:24:00,951 so educated, so underhanded! 1201 01:24:03,997 --> 01:24:09,043 You mean Mr. Paisley's like all the rest? I thought he was the marrying type. 1202 01:24:09,127 --> 01:24:13,297 Oh, he is. He is. He wanted to elope tonight. 1203 01:24:13,381 --> 01:24:16,133 And you know what? He'd like to live in New York. 1204 01:24:16,218 --> 01:24:18,552 Uh, not to teach. To be a songwriter. 1205 01:24:18,637 --> 01:24:20,971 A songwriter? 1206 01:24:21,056 --> 01:24:24,058 He's all the things I wanna get away from. 1207 01:24:24,142 --> 01:24:26,060 Oh, I'm sorry. 1208 01:24:26,144 --> 01:24:29,730 I never dreamed that Mr. Paisley, of all men- 1209 01:24:29,814 --> 01:24:34,360 Oh, well, men. They're only out to use us, Kim. 1210 01:24:34,444 --> 01:24:37,238 I know. Hugo's used me since we were freshmen. 1211 01:24:37,322 --> 01:24:40,366 All those years I wasted on Albert. 1212 01:24:40,450 --> 01:24:44,787 Rosie, the dependable one. Rosie, the patient one. Rosie, the good girl. 1213 01:24:44,871 --> 01:24:48,958 I know it sounds old-fashioned, but... I'm not ashamed to admit it. 1214 01:24:49,042 --> 01:24:51,252 - I'm still a good girl. - Rose? 1215 01:24:51,336 --> 01:24:53,837 - Hmm? - So am I. 1216 01:24:55,757 --> 01:24:59,009 No kidding? 1217 01:24:59,094 --> 01:25:01,595 Well, you won't be sorry. 1218 01:25:05,850 --> 01:25:08,269 - Are you going out so late? - Mm-hmm. 1219 01:25:08,353 --> 01:25:13,732 My farewell to Sweet Apple. A night to remember. I'm going to Maude's Cafe. 1220 01:25:13,817 --> 01:25:17,194 Maude's! That's a wild place. 1221 01:25:17,279 --> 01:25:19,613 You're not gonna do anything rash? 1222 01:25:19,698 --> 01:25:22,074 Whatever you hear about me, Kim, just tell them... 1223 01:25:22,158 --> 01:25:24,535 that she loved not wisely, but too well. 1224 01:25:24,619 --> 01:25:26,537 Ole! 1225 01:25:33,336 --> 01:25:36,380 ♪♪ 1226 01:25:38,091 --> 01:25:40,676 This is the place, Albert. Hottest spot in the county. 1227 01:25:40,802 --> 01:25:44,138 - How do you know? - Oh, I heard, only heard. 1228 01:25:44,264 --> 01:25:48,183 - Albert, don't go in that place. - I must. It's the only way. 1229 01:25:48,310 --> 01:25:52,646 - But drinking won't solve anything. - He's frustrated. 1230 01:25:52,731 --> 01:25:54,648 Good-bye. 1231 01:25:57,193 --> 01:26:00,195 I'd go in there with you if I weren't a happy family man... 1232 01:26:00,280 --> 01:26:02,364 and not allowed to enjoy myself. 1233 01:26:02,449 --> 01:26:04,658 Oh, please, mister. I just- 1234 01:26:04,784 --> 01:26:07,995 I'm telling you for the last time! 1235 01:26:08,079 --> 01:26:10,497 No drinks! Now get lost! 1236 01:26:10,582 --> 01:26:13,792 Well, just a pint of bourbon? Gin? Scotch? 1237 01:26:13,918 --> 01:26:16,837 - No! - How 'bout a malted with a little vodka? 1238 01:26:16,921 --> 01:26:19,381 Come back when you're 21. 1239 01:26:19,466 --> 01:26:23,969 Oh, well, well, I'm way over 21. I only look young from too much drinking. 1240 01:26:30,435 --> 01:26:34,855 Oh, look at me. Look at this shell of a human being. The monster you've created. 1241 01:26:34,939 --> 01:26:39,360 Oh, I'm sorry about- Hugo, don't worry, you'll get Kim back. 1242 01:26:39,444 --> 01:26:43,238 No, thanks. The bloom is off the rose. 1243 01:26:43,323 --> 01:26:47,117 Rose. Little Rose. 1244 01:26:47,202 --> 01:26:50,537 A precious flower that I trampled on. 1245 01:27:06,054 --> 01:27:07,763 There we go. 1246 01:27:07,847 --> 01:27:11,350 A toast. To Mae, she's okay. 1247 01:27:11,434 --> 01:27:13,477 I'm a songwriter too, huh? 1248 01:27:13,561 --> 01:27:17,189 Would you call the McAfee house again and see my Al-Sonny! 1249 01:27:17,273 --> 01:27:19,566 Mama, what are you doing in a place like this? 1250 01:27:19,651 --> 01:27:22,528 I'm playing canasta. I got lonesome. Did you cut the Russians? 1251 01:27:22,654 --> 01:27:25,030 - Why are you consorting with that man? - Glad to meet you. 1252 01:27:25,115 --> 01:27:29,618 Looks ain't everything. Besides, Mr. Maude is 100% gentleman, and a widower. 1253 01:27:29,702 --> 01:27:31,412 Three times. Sit down, Albert. 1254 01:27:31,496 --> 01:27:34,998 Any son of Mae Peterson is a friend of mine. Come, come. 1255 01:27:35,083 --> 01:27:38,001 Mama, get your things. We're taking the bus to New York tonight. 1256 01:27:38,128 --> 01:27:42,256 Your song? It's all off? - It's dead, Mama, like I am. 1257 01:27:42,340 --> 01:27:45,592 - You ain't goin', Mae. Say you aint! - You unhand her. Come on, Mama. 1258 01:27:45,677 --> 01:27:48,595 Okay, buster, set 'em up. Double scotch and gin on the side. 1259 01:27:48,680 --> 01:27:52,141 And, uh... a bourbon chaser. Make that a triple chaser. 1260 01:27:52,225 --> 01:27:55,102 And bring on the dancing boys! 1261 01:27:55,186 --> 01:27:58,355 Well, come on, make with the drinks, Meyer. We gotta put out this fire. 1262 01:27:59,566 --> 01:28:03,610 Uh-♪ Everything is Rosie Cha-cha-cha ♪ 1263 01:28:03,736 --> 01:28:06,113 - ♪ 'Cause my name is Rosie ♪ - Ah, the poor thing. 1264 01:28:06,239 --> 01:28:08,407 ♪ Si, si, si ♪♪ She can't get over me. 1265 01:28:08,533 --> 01:28:11,660 - She's singing the song I wrote for her. - You wrote her a song? 1266 01:28:11,744 --> 01:28:15,205 Only eight bars, Mama. Somehow, I never could finish it. 1267 01:28:15,290 --> 01:28:18,459 Hey, what's with the red caps? You got a train inside? 1268 01:28:23,506 --> 01:28:25,424 Eeew! 1269 01:28:25,550 --> 01:28:26,587 Hey, where ya goin'? 1270 01:28:26,788 --> 01:28:29,188 I'm gonna go and see what the boys in the backroom'll have. 1271 01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:32,097 Albert! Where are you going? 1272 01:28:32,182 --> 01:28:36,685 To save her from herself. To save her for me. She might get in trouble. 1273 01:28:36,769 --> 01:28:39,480 Report on the charity bazaar which we ran... 1274 01:28:39,564 --> 01:28:43,066 for the benefit of the old folks' home; to wit, net cash receipts: 1275 01:28:43,151 --> 01:28:47,154 $840.06. 1276 01:28:47,238 --> 01:28:48,091 Rosie! 1277 01:28:48,392 --> 01:28:50,792 Valuable goods contributed: two milk cows, live; 1278 01:28:51,075 --> 01:28:52,910 Rosie! 1279 01:28:52,994 --> 01:28:54,745 80 lugs of fresh fruit; 1280 01:28:54,829 --> 01:28:58,040 45 young kumquat trees; 1281 01:28:58,124 --> 01:29:00,209 one ton of fertilizer- 1282 01:29:14,307 --> 01:29:19,353 And now, before the recording secretary reads the minutes from last week's meeting, 1283 01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:22,314 I wish to bring up a subject that I know is on... 1284 01:29:22,398 --> 01:29:26,944 everybody's mind... tonight. 1285 01:29:27,028 --> 01:29:29,112 Ooo. 1286 01:29:49,050 --> 01:29:51,969 ♪♪ 1287 01:30:29,882 --> 01:30:32,259 As I was saying, gentlemen- 1288 01:31:02,707 --> 01:31:04,625 Yeah! 1289 01:31:07,670 --> 01:31:10,172 Hey! 1290 01:31:36,115 --> 01:31:37,741 Yeah! 1291 01:31:38,910 --> 01:31:40,827 Yeah. 1292 01:31:43,790 --> 01:31:45,707 Hey! Hey! 1293 01:31:50,213 --> 01:31:52,422 No. 1294 01:32:08,564 --> 01:32:12,025 Hey! 1295 01:32:12,151 --> 01:32:14,027 Hey! 1296 01:32:14,153 --> 01:32:18,073 Hey! 1297 01:32:18,157 --> 01:32:21,493 Hey! Hey! 1298 01:32:21,619 --> 01:32:23,495 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 1299 01:32:23,579 --> 01:32:27,958 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 1300 01:32:33,381 --> 01:32:35,298 No! No, listen, fellas. stop! 1301 01:32:35,383 --> 01:32:37,926 Haah! 1302 01:32:40,805 --> 01:32:42,806 Rosie! 1303 01:32:47,645 --> 01:32:49,980 Albert! 1304 01:32:58,823 --> 01:33:00,741 Oo. 1305 01:33:00,825 --> 01:33:04,911 - Albert! Whoa! - Ole! 1306 01:33:30,855 --> 01:33:32,773 Rosie? 1307 01:33:34,942 --> 01:33:36,860 Rosie, baby? 1308 01:33:43,326 --> 01:33:45,285 Good morning, darling. 1309 01:33:45,369 --> 01:33:48,079 It's way past noon. Sleep okay, honey? 1310 01:33:48,164 --> 01:33:51,166 Mm-hmm. I tried not to. 1311 01:33:51,250 --> 01:33:54,544 I wanted to keep reliving that wonderful moment... 1312 01:33:56,130 --> 01:33:58,381 when my shining knight... 1313 01:33:58,466 --> 01:34:01,259 rushed into the sultan's cave... 1314 01:34:01,344 --> 01:34:03,595 and carried me off. 1315 01:34:05,056 --> 01:34:07,307 Well, that's just the beginning. 1316 01:34:07,391 --> 01:34:10,936 Pack. We're taking the bus to Niagara Falls. 1317 01:34:11,020 --> 01:34:12,938 Oh, yes, dear. 1318 01:34:17,985 --> 01:34:20,070 - Rosie? - Hmm? 1319 01:34:20,154 --> 01:34:23,824 You-You never saw me in pajamas before. 1320 01:34:23,908 --> 01:34:25,909 Are you disappointed? 1321 01:34:31,415 --> 01:34:33,375 Are you? 1322 01:34:43,594 --> 01:34:47,514 Let's take a plane to Niagara Falls. A jet! 1323 01:34:50,643 --> 01:34:52,894 Oh, Albert, 1324 01:34:52,979 --> 01:34:56,147 we came here to get your mother set financially. 1325 01:34:56,232 --> 01:35:01,027 Our marriage wouldn't have a chance if we started off feeling guilty about deserting her. 1326 01:35:01,112 --> 01:35:04,823 That's right. It may be a long time before I make any money. 1327 01:35:04,907 --> 01:35:07,158 Not if Birdie sang your song tonight. 1328 01:35:07,243 --> 01:35:12,372 No chance. I pleaded. They won't shorten the ballet, not even ten seconds. 1329 01:35:12,456 --> 01:35:16,459 It's the slowest dance I ever saw. They move like turtles. 1330 01:35:17,795 --> 01:35:20,088 Albert. Albert! 1331 01:35:20,172 --> 01:35:22,507 What? Randolph! Randolph! 1332 01:35:28,389 --> 01:35:32,601 Boys, those are really showstoppers! Frank, Dean and Sammy. 1333 01:35:32,685 --> 01:35:34,811 Come out here and take a bow. 1334 01:35:36,522 --> 01:35:40,901 Frank, Dean and sammy McWilliams. Thank you, boys. 1335 01:35:40,985 --> 01:35:44,821 Right now, here on our stage, the magnificent orchestra... 1336 01:35:44,906 --> 01:35:48,158 of American composer-conductor, Ray Block. 1337 01:35:48,242 --> 01:35:50,160 Now really, let's hear it. 1338 01:35:50,286 --> 01:35:53,204 - Well, that oughta do it. Any questions? - No sir, not at all. 1339 01:35:53,289 --> 01:35:55,874 - Okay, I'm going backstage. - Right. 1340 01:35:59,837 --> 01:36:02,464 Don't know why I let that Albert drag us here. 1341 01:36:02,548 --> 01:36:05,091 Rosie said she might have a big surprise for us. 1342 01:36:05,176 --> 01:36:08,386 Maybe they'll show us sitting here on TV. I bet that's it. 1343 01:36:08,512 --> 01:36:12,849 - Where did you get that money? - I sold Mr. Peterson my chemical set. 1344 01:36:15,394 --> 01:36:19,481 - Two minutes, Maestro. - Borov will be there. 1345 01:36:19,565 --> 01:36:23,151 I've never been late for performance in whole career. 1346 01:36:24,737 --> 01:36:28,156 - You say you from magazine? - Uh, yes, American Ballet Magazine. 1347 01:36:28,240 --> 01:36:32,285 And we want a picture of the world's greatest conductor, Maestro Borov. 1348 01:36:32,370 --> 01:36:36,623 You flatter me. So, shoot me quick. 1349 01:36:36,707 --> 01:36:39,459 Oh, drinking this milk. 1350 01:36:39,543 --> 01:36:41,461 - Milk? - Yes. 1351 01:36:41,545 --> 01:36:44,589 We drink vodka, little flower. 1352 01:36:44,674 --> 01:36:48,426 Oh, no, well, no. No, thank you. Uh, please, Maestro, this milk. 1353 01:36:48,511 --> 01:36:53,556 You see, our President has asked us to drink more milk and it would be a goodwill gesture. 1354 01:36:53,641 --> 01:36:55,892 - President? - Yes! 1355 01:36:55,977 --> 01:37:00,730 Uh, won't you please, Maestro, to improve our relations? 1356 01:37:00,815 --> 01:37:03,400 You're pretty enough to be un-American. 1357 01:37:05,987 --> 01:37:09,197 All right, here we go. Drink up. That's it. 1358 01:37:09,323 --> 01:37:14,536 Now, keep drinking until I frame you-frame you perfectly. 1359 01:37:14,620 --> 01:37:16,997 All right, once more. Bottoms up. That's it. 1360 01:37:21,919 --> 01:37:24,170 Very good. 1361 01:37:24,255 --> 01:37:27,507 Ah, you got it! Uh, I mean, gotcha. 1362 01:37:30,136 --> 01:37:32,012 See you after, could be? 1363 01:37:32,138 --> 01:37:35,849 - Oh, I'll catch up with you. - And for you, I do not go too fast. 1364 01:37:35,933 --> 01:37:38,309 We shall see. 1365 01:37:38,436 --> 01:37:40,395 Good-bye. 1366 01:37:40,521 --> 01:37:43,314 Thank you. 1367 01:37:53,117 --> 01:37:55,076 Mission accomplished. 1368 01:37:55,161 --> 01:37:57,078 - He drank it? - Yeah. 1369 01:37:57,163 --> 01:38:00,498 My formula works on chickens and Randolph's turtle, but I don't know about humans. 1370 01:38:00,583 --> 01:38:05,628 If it doesn't, we're no worse off; but if it does, this'll be the shortest ballet in history. 1371 01:38:05,713 --> 01:38:10,216 Now, ready, America and Canada, because here we go out to Columbus, Ohio, 1372 01:38:10,301 --> 01:38:15,555 where the Moscow Ballet dances the "Rose Adagio" from Tchaikovshy's Sleeping Beauty, 1373 01:38:15,639 --> 01:38:18,349 conducted by Maestro Borzoi Borov. 1374 01:38:18,434 --> 01:38:21,728 Take it away, CBS, Columbus, Ohio. 1375 01:38:21,812 --> 01:38:23,855 We're on. Up on one. 1376 01:38:31,405 --> 01:38:33,907 Lights. 1377 01:38:38,746 --> 01:38:50,340 ♪♪ 1378 01:39:06,065 --> 01:39:08,942 ♪♪ 1379 01:39:38,973 --> 01:39:43,893 Camera two, can you move to your right a couple of feet? 1380 01:40:14,758 --> 01:40:16,885 Magnificent! 1381 01:40:39,074 --> 01:40:42,202 It's not gonna work. 1382 01:41:10,814 --> 01:41:14,776 ♪♪ 1383 01:41:25,829 --> 01:41:28,581 Well, this is crazy. That's not the way it was rehearsed. 1384 01:41:28,666 --> 01:41:33,002 What is it? What's the matter? 1385 01:41:35,756 --> 01:41:38,341 What happened? 1386 01:41:50,854 --> 01:41:53,940 Borov! Borov! 1387 01:42:04,868 --> 01:42:08,454 Hello. Ed Sullivan. 1388 01:42:30,477 --> 01:42:34,355 Bob! Bob! We'll have to kill some time. Put the Birdie song back in. 1389 01:42:34,440 --> 01:42:38,985 Got ya, Ed. Take over. Be prepared for the Birdie spot. 1390 01:42:45,951 --> 01:42:49,203 Albert, "One Last Kiss" is back in. Find Conrad. Rosie, get Kim. 1391 01:42:49,330 --> 01:42:52,999 Put the Birdie spot on stage. And let's go, go, go! 1392 01:43:03,260 --> 01:43:06,554 McAfee, hurry up. Come on. Let's go. The song is back in. 1393 01:43:06,638 --> 01:43:09,057 - What? Come on! - Let's go! 1394 01:43:32,956 --> 01:43:35,208 Are you crazy, Borov? 1395 01:43:43,967 --> 01:43:45,510 ♪♪ 1396 01:43:52,142 --> 01:43:54,852 Aye, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! 1397 01:44:00,484 --> 01:44:03,736 I've never seen such speed in dancers. Thank you, Moscow Ballet... 1398 01:44:03,821 --> 01:44:06,072 for that brilliant and unexpected bit of burlesque. 1399 01:44:06,156 --> 01:44:10,576 And now, another great treat: Conrad Birdie. Yee-hoo! 1400 01:44:33,183 --> 01:44:36,352 What- 1401 01:44:39,189 --> 01:44:43,443 On behalf of all the members of the Sweet Apple chapter... 1402 01:44:43,569 --> 01:44:46,863 of the Conrad Birdie Fan Club, 1403 01:44:51,243 --> 01:44:54,620 We wish to express to you our great pride... 1404 01:44:54,705 --> 01:44:56,789 - in your brave deed. - Hiya, Ed. 1405 01:44:56,874 --> 01:45:00,042 Oh, no. 1406 01:45:01,753 --> 01:45:04,714 Oh, hi. How are ya? 1407 01:45:10,679 --> 01:45:15,141 I wish to convey our deep pride in your brave deed, namely- 1408 01:45:15,225 --> 01:45:19,645 As a citizen, I'm proud to have Conrad defend my... family... 1409 01:45:19,730 --> 01:45:22,064 and the McAfee Fertilizer Company. 1410 01:45:23,567 --> 01:45:25,651 Conrad, sing. 1411 01:45:26,904 --> 01:45:29,947 ♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪ 1412 01:45:30,073 --> 01:45:32,742 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1413 01:45:32,826 --> 01:45:37,330 ♪ It never felt like this Nah, baby, not like this ♪ 1414 01:45:37,414 --> 01:45:41,334 ♪ Ya know I need your love Uh, uh, oh ♪ 1415 01:45:41,418 --> 01:45:44,212 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1416 01:45:44,296 --> 01:45:46,839 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 1417 01:45:46,924 --> 01:45:50,676 ♪ One more time Baby, one more time ♪ 1418 01:45:50,761 --> 01:45:55,181 ♪ It really is sublime Ah, honey, so sublime ♪ 1419 01:45:55,265 --> 01:46:00,019 ♪ Ya know I need your love Uh, uh, oh ♪ 1420 01:46:00,103 --> 01:46:01,938 ♪ Gimme one last kiss ♪ 1421 01:46:02,022 --> 01:46:04,398 ♪ One last kiss ♪ 1422 01:46:06,485 --> 01:46:09,529 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-by ♪ 1423 01:46:09,613 --> 01:46:13,324 ♪ Gi-ive me one last kiss ♪ 1424 01:46:14,409 --> 01:46:18,371 ♪ Ba-a-a-a-by ♪ 1425 01:46:18,455 --> 01:46:20,540 ♪ Give me one las-♪♪ 1426 01:46:29,550 --> 01:46:32,718 Yoo-hoo! Albert! 1427 01:46:32,803 --> 01:46:34,804 Albert! 1428 01:46:34,888 --> 01:46:39,308 Albert, I saw it all on TV. "One Last Kiss" was a disaster. 1429 01:46:39,393 --> 01:46:41,619 Who wants to buy a record of a guy with a glass jaw? 1430 01:46:41,845 --> 01:46:44,273 Now, will you take Mama's advice and get out of show business? 1431 01:46:44,357 --> 01:46:48,434 I am. My song may be dead, but my chemical formula works on people. 1432 01:46:48,819 --> 01:46:51,070 Shh. The Russians may have this place bugged. 1433 01:46:51,154 --> 01:46:55,324 It was Albert's formula that made the orchestra leader go that fast. 1434 01:46:55,409 --> 01:47:00,037 My genius! Oh! You gotta work on my cleaning woman. She gets a dollar an hour. 1435 01:47:00,163 --> 01:47:02,582 Yeah. Mama- 1436 01:47:04,543 --> 01:47:07,795 Mama, Rosie and I are going to Niagara Falls. 1437 01:47:09,506 --> 01:47:12,300 Well... 1438 01:47:13,385 --> 01:47:15,970 it's about time. 1439 01:47:19,725 --> 01:47:23,102 Oh, Mae, you have to come with us! 1440 01:47:23,186 --> 01:47:26,439 No. I'm one mother who doesn't mix in. Maude! 1441 01:47:26,523 --> 01:47:28,941 Don't fall in the pit, Maude. 1442 01:47:30,027 --> 01:47:31,777 - Albert. - Yes? 1443 01:47:31,862 --> 01:47:34,155 I would like to do things proper, 1444 01:47:34,239 --> 01:47:37,033 so I would like the honor of becoming your stepfather. 1445 01:47:38,535 --> 01:47:41,412 Is it all right, Albert? 1446 01:47:41,496 --> 01:47:43,748 Mama, with my blessing! 1447 01:47:43,874 --> 01:47:47,001 Oh, I'm so glad, because we just got married. 1448 01:47:48,378 --> 01:47:51,797 - What a surprise. - Oh, how exciting. 1449 01:47:51,882 --> 01:47:54,800 Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, congratulations. 1450 01:47:54,926 --> 01:47:55,438 Thank you very much. 1451 01:47:55,839 --> 01:47:58,539 Let's go, Maudie. We're leaving for Akron. 1452 01:47:58,722 --> 01:48:02,016 Hubby has to open a new bar and he wants me to throw out the first beer can. 1453 01:48:02,100 --> 01:48:03,285 Yeah, good-bye, son. 1454 01:48:03,411 --> 01:48:05,688 Niagara Falls is wet, so take along your rubbers! 1455 01:48:05,789 --> 01:48:06,889 Bye! 1456 01:48:07,272 --> 01:48:10,316 How about that Maude and Mrs. Peterson? 1457 01:48:10,400 --> 01:48:12,485 - Oh, ready here, Albert. - Be right with you. 1458 01:48:12,569 --> 01:48:16,822 No hurry, partner. I promise you one thing, snookums. 1459 01:48:16,907 --> 01:48:19,575 No matter how many millions I make selling Speed-Up, 1460 01:48:19,660 --> 01:48:22,495 I'll still be the same humble, lovable guy. 1461 01:48:22,579 --> 01:48:27,166 And if any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em. 1462 01:48:27,250 --> 01:48:29,669 ♪♪ 1463 01:48:29,753 --> 01:48:33,255 ♪ Everything is Rosie ♪ 1464 01:48:33,382 --> 01:48:37,677 ♪ Since I found my Rosie ♪ - Same old words. 1465 01:48:37,761 --> 01:48:41,514 ♪ With a girl like Rosie ♪ 1466 01:48:41,598 --> 01:48:43,683 ♪ How could I be blue ♪ 1467 01:48:43,767 --> 01:48:45,685 Same eight bars. Now what? 1468 01:48:45,769 --> 01:48:49,397 ♪ Hand in hand we'll mosey ♪ 1469 01:48:49,481 --> 01:48:51,691 ♪ Me and little Rosie ♪ 1470 01:48:53,276 --> 01:48:55,569 ♪ We will be so cozy ♪ 1471 01:48:55,654 --> 01:48:58,864 ♪ By a fire built for two ♪ 1472 01:48:58,949 --> 01:49:01,200 Oh, Albert, you're too much. 1473 01:49:01,284 --> 01:49:05,162 ♪ Oh, I once heard a poem that goes ♪ 1474 01:49:05,247 --> 01:49:08,874 ♪ "A rose is a rose is a rose" ♪ 1475 01:49:08,959 --> 01:49:12,878 ♪ But I don't agree Take it from me ♪ 1476 01:49:12,963 --> 01:49:16,424 ♪ There's one Rose sweeter than any that grows ♪ 1477 01:49:16,508 --> 01:49:18,634 ♪ And that's my Rosie ♪ 1478 01:49:19,761 --> 01:49:23,389 ♪ I'm so glad she chose me ♪ 1479 01:49:23,473 --> 01:49:26,142 ♪ Life is one sweet ♪ 1480 01:49:26,226 --> 01:49:29,228 ♪ Beautiful song to me ♪ 1481 01:49:29,312 --> 01:49:33,065 ♪ Everything is Hugo ♪ 1482 01:49:33,150 --> 01:49:36,902 ♪ I will go where you go ♪ 1483 01:49:36,987 --> 01:49:41,031 ♪ With a boy like Hugo ♪ 1484 01:49:41,116 --> 01:49:44,201 ♪ How could I be blue ♪ 1485 01:49:45,287 --> 01:49:48,956 ♪ We will be so cozy ♪ 1486 01:49:49,040 --> 01:49:52,918 ♪ Just like Al and Rosie ♪ 1487 01:49:53,003 --> 01:49:55,755 ♪ But we're gonna mosey ♪ 1488 01:49:55,839 --> 01:49:58,924 ♪ In a hot rod built for two ♪ 1489 01:50:01,011 --> 01:50:04,889 - ♪ And that's my Rosie ♪ - ♪ Gee, how delighted we'll be ♪ 1490 01:50:05,015 --> 01:50:09,059 ♪ I'm so glad she chose me ♪ ♪ When you are cozy with me ♪ 1491 01:50:09,144 --> 01:50:13,314 ♪ Life is one sweet beautiful song ♪ 1492 01:50:13,398 --> 01:50:17,610 ♪ When love is right then what could be wrong ♪ 1493 01:50:17,694 --> 01:50:19,820 ♪ Life is one sweet ♪ 1494 01:50:19,905 --> 01:50:24,241 ♪ Beautiful song to me ♪♪ 1495 01:50:24,326 --> 01:50:28,412 ♪♪ 1496 01:50:28,497 --> 01:50:32,833 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 1497 01:50:32,918 --> 01:50:36,712 ♪ The army's got you now ♪ 1498 01:50:36,797 --> 01:50:41,133 ♪ I'll try, Birdie ♪ 1499 01:50:41,218 --> 01:50:46,388 ♪ To forget somehow ♪ 1500 01:50:46,473 --> 01:50:51,519 ♪ No more sighing ♪ 1501 01:50:51,603 --> 01:50:55,272 ♪ Each time you move those lips ♪ 1502 01:50:55,357 --> 01:50:59,735 ♪ No more dying ♪ 1503 01:50:59,820 --> 01:51:03,322 ♪ When you twitch those hips ♪ 1504 01:51:03,406 --> 01:51:07,493 ♪ Your swivel and your sway Your super-duper class ♪ 1505 01:51:07,577 --> 01:51:12,665 ♪ There's nothing left to say but, Conrad, you're a gas ♪ 1506 01:51:14,334 --> 01:51:18,838 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 1507 01:51:18,922 --> 01:51:22,508 ♪ Ta-ta, ol' sweetie pie ♪ 1508 01:51:22,592 --> 01:51:26,971 ♪ Bye, bye, Birdie ♪ 1509 01:51:27,055 --> 01:51:35,479 ♪ Time for me to fly ♪ 1510 01:51:35,564 --> 01:51:40,693 ♪ Time to say good-bye ♪♪ 1511 01:51:40,777 --> 01:51:42,695 Bye now. 120454