Original subtitles

- Sol Dolman, again, King of the Juice.

- Marcus Goode here Sol.

- Lima Express.

- Blanca, it's Kerry Akermanis here, from Footy Inquest.

- Ron Greally.

- It's James White here from Music, Music, Music, Music.

- Dick Denyar, Abel Cain Furniture.

- Haydn King.

- It's my graduation.

- Do I dare ask who else will be there?

- Lloyd, mom and Jerome.

- And Jesus.

♪ Don's Dirty ♪

♪ Don's Dirty ♪

♪ Don's Dirty Dog Wash ♪

- Competitive franchises are available now.

- If we are going to invest

all of Noel's worker's compensation payout

we do wanna be sure.

- Tony you'll get paid as soon as I get paid.

- If you don't transfer that money,

I'm gonna personally come over there and make you cry.

(upbeat music)

♪ This country is the best around ♪

♪ You can be what you wanna be ♪

♪ It's got great infrastructure ♪

♪ And a top economy ♪

♪ You can make it as a movie star ♪

♪ A swimmer or a gymnast ♪

♪ It's the land of opportunity ♪

♪ If you want to start a small business ♪

♪ Small business ♪

(Don Farts)

(upbeat music)

- And the last one.

- So this is it then?

- That's right.

- Wait!

There, not there.

Thanks Don.

- Come on, it's not like we're not gonna

see each other again.

- Yeah, I know.

- Free for lunch if you like,

- I'm meeting friends.

- No wuckas.

- Thanks for stopping by, Mr. Angel.

- Ah, my pleasure.

Well, not my pleasure, but.

- Oh well.

- One door closes another one opens.

- Yes.

(telephone ringing)

Speaking of which...

(upbeat music)

- Okay.

(gentle music)

Well that's it.

It's all over red rover, I've signed the papers.

- Oh,

your marriage.

- Alert all ovaries Ray.

I'm officially back on the market.

50% of my income, can you believe that?

Why are we listening to this shit?

- They're taking a quarter page ad

in Music, Music, Music, Music.

So before I start the editorial I thought I'd you know.

- Is that dirty Janet Wilson's band?

- Mm. - Mm.

You don't mind do you?

- No, no.

- It's just that,

I hate it.

- Hmm.

You having a divorce party?

- Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Later.

Yeah.

It's a bit disrespectful to have one straightaway.

- Mm.

But yeah. - Yeah.

- Probably go to Spearmint Rhino or something.

(upbeat music)

- So how do you feel about the divorce?

- What do you mean?

- How do you feel about the divorce?

- I feel about 50% worse off.

As long as the kids are happy, I'm happy.

- Are they happy?

- I don't know, pissing themselves

at the Simpson's last week.

Do you reckon I have the kids that whatever I spend on them

should come off that 50%, I reckon it should,

'cause 50% is massive.

Thankfully, though it's 50% of Don Angel's income.

I didn't say anything about Pete, Kerry, Marcus,

Hayden or James?

(Don laughing)

These are good aren't they, hmm?

5% off a wheel alinement.

- That's not actually how you spell alignment.

- Still it's 5% off?

- Yep.

- It all adds up, doesn't it?

Two for one on a pizza, free bugle lesson.

It's a great idea Ray, isn't it?

Roping a whole bunch of local businesses into the one

promotional envelope, you know it's something nice

that you wanna keep and letter box 'em.

You know I had this idea in a dream,

can you believe that?

- Yep.

- How much do you reckon they're paying to climb on board

the Super Savers, right?

- I've got no idea.

- Have a guess.

- I really wouldn't know.

- Have a bloody guess.

- $6,000

- 6,000?

No, it's 250 each,

and that's, that's oodles.

No one would pay six grand for that.

- Well, I'm off to deliver these,

and then it's Lesley's graduation straight after that so.

- Oh, so is what's her name gonna be there?

And Geronimo?

- Jerome, I'd expect so.

- You gonna punch him out?

- No, I'm going to kiss him.

(beeping)

- [Voicemail] Good day, it's Kerry Akermanis

from Footy Inquest and yes he is my cousin.

- I'll see you later this afternoon.

- [Voicemail] Leave a message and I'll get back

to you by the end of play.

(car honking)

- Kerry, it's Gary Monahan from GM printing

returning your call.

Look, we'd love to print your Footy Inquest for you.

The timing couldn't be better actually.

It's been a bit of a lame patch of late.

So truth be told, I'd be grateful for the work.

So give us a call back when you get a moment Kerry

and we'll talk turkey as it were.

- (laughing) All right, well there you go,

one door closes another one opens.

- Good morning, we're from the Australian Taxation Office.

- Ah, you would be wanting dirty Denise

from Hunger Solutions just up the road there,

I'm surprised it's taking you this long...

- We're actually here for a Don Angel, is that you?

- I am a Don Angel, yep.

(country music)

- Mr. Angel, why has World Wide Business Group

failed to lodge a business activity statement

for the last 11 quarters?

- I just keep forgetting.

I'll tell you what.

I'll, write myself a bloody note right now.

That is as good as done, my friend.

- You would have collected a substantial amount of GST,

in that period?

- And it's your money isn't it?

I firmly believe that and you'll get it, no questions asked.

That is my rolled gold promise to you.

- Mr. Angel, there are numerous payments

on your bank statements to a Kerry Akermanis, Hayden King,

Marcus Good, James White and a Pete Mandela,

who are they?

- They are employees of mine unfortunately.

(laughing) No, they're great.

- Presumably you treat them as contractors

because you're not deducting tax from any of their wages.

- Yep, I treat them as contractors.

- I'm curious because I just checked

and the ATO has no record of any of them,

ever having filed a tax return.

- It's a bit of an oversight, isn't it?

By them.

- They don't show up on the Medicare database either.

- Yeah, well they're pretty fit.

- Three of them aren't on the electoral roll.

- Two of them are?

- Yes. - Well, I don't know,

maybe they're working under aliases.

Always thought that Pete Mandela was a fairly suss name

to be perfectly Francis.

- Mr. Akermanis?

- No, out in the field babe,

I'm his boss though.

Can I help?

- Yeah, I just have a letter for him.

- Ah, not a Frenchie, is it?

- No, it's a copy of an injunction we had granted today

on behalf of the AFL against any further publication

of Footy Inquest.

(upbeat music)

- Catch you later.

- Can't you read?

- I'm trying to save you money.

- Piss off.

(upbeat music)

- What do you reckon?

Claimables art work for the office?

- You've also been claiming against seven office desks

for your employees.

Where are they?

- Exactly, still waiting for that wretched removalist

company to deliver them.

We've just moved in.

- Because I noticed that all of your employees' phones

are on your desk.

- Tell me about it, do I look like a receptionist?

- What was the name of the removals company?

(phone rings)

- Don Angel. - Mr. Angel.

- [Sam] Dad, it's me.

- Oh, hi ya Sam.

- Can you come pick us up?

- What, where are you?

- Mom's divorce party, I'm bored

and she's drunk too much to drive.

- A divorce party, what a mole, eh?

- Mm.

- Who's there Sam?

- You know, her stupid friends.

- Uncle Simon isn't there?

- No. - Yeah well look,

I'd love to come and get you Sammy,

more than anything but I just can't get away at the minute.

Why aren't you at school?

- It's school holiday.

- Is it?

Fantastic.

- Look I think we're going to your place

for four days tomorrow.

- Oh, I didn't know that.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

- Mm.

- Yeah look just, put your mom on for a sec, will you Sammy?

- Okay.

Mom.

Mom!

Dad for you.

- He wants me back already.

(women cheering)

Hello. - Do you think

it's appropriate that you have our kids there

whilst doing your maggotted mates dance on my grave?

- I could lock them in the car, if you prefer.

- What are you supposedly doing,

for the next four days anyway?

- It is none of your business Don.

- Yeah polishing your fucking shoe collection I bet.

- Yeah is that all?

- Don't drive anywhere with the kids, just get a taxi,

all right?

- Well, I'm nearly out of money.

Could you courier over half of whatever you've earned today?

(call laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Thanks for coming.

- Oh bloody hell, look at her.

- Don't make a scene, please.

- Ray.

- Hello.

- Hi Ray, I'm Jerome.

Nice to finally meet you.

(lips smacking)

- 5% off a wheel alignment.

- Thanks Ray.

We really appreciate that, don't we?

- Very thoughtful.

- (laughs) How did you know,

our wheels through out of whack?

- I noticed it when I was putting the bomb under your car.

- Look, I realize this must be really awkward for you,

but we really appreciate you being here

for our daughter's graduation.

- No, it's not awkward.

Hmm? - Hmm.

- Thanks Ray, you're such a bad liar.

- Certainly not in your league.

- I meant it as a compliment, for Christ's sake.

- Can you for fuck sake just get along for five minutes?

- Language. - What?

Don't patronize me.

- Please don't tell her what she can and can't say Lloyd.

You're not her father.

- Welcome to my world.

- In your annual return you claimed $1,200

for a coffee machine,

$4,000 for office artwork,

$1,500 for additions to your professional library,

and a $1,000 for uniforms.

Can you show us those items or receipts for them?

- Hmm?

Coffee machine is in for repairs along with the receipt.

Artwork is still in storage.

Most of it's Aboriginal which is good, isn't it?

Mind you, the receipts are all in those little dots

so they're a bit hard to read.

The professional library is in storage,

the receipts I'm using as bookmarks, I think.

And the uniforms...

(phone rings)

- Don't answer that, answer the question, the uniforms?

- [Voicemail] This is James White from Music times four.

I'm probably at a gig or a recording session, either way,

leave me a message and I'll get back to you pronto-saurus.

Nice lick.

- [Lyle] Ah yeah, my name's Lyle.

I'm on the list of black band venue operators in your mag.

And I'm told my name could drop off for a couple 100.

- Right the uniforms, okay, - My number is 0387667...

- I was trying that on, not the uniforms.

But, come on, everyone does a bit of that, don't they?

You have to get something over the tax department.

You can't tell me you haven't tried a bit of

the old Indian takeaway, hmm?

(upbeat music)

- Hi how are you, okay, are we next?

- Yeah. - Just group

in a bunch over there.

That'd be great, thanks.

So you're the father, just bunch right up there

for me sir. - I'm the father.

- All right, okay, so,

so you're the boyfriend? - I'm the boyfriend.

- Right.

Sorry, so who are you?

- The patsy.

- Come on. - Okay, just,

if we can just bunch right up there for me,

sir, that'd be great.

See that gap if you could close the gap right up, right up,

next to the lovely lady, that'd be...

- Can you just do it in Photoshop?

- Yeah, okay.

All right, everyone, if we could just say Jesus Christ

for me on the count of three, and one, two,

three. - Actually, can we not

say that?

I'm not comfortable with that.

- Sure, I just think cheese is boring, that's all.

- All right, well, how about goat's cheese?

That's a bit different.

- Yeah, all right, let's go with that, okay everyone,

on the count of three and one, two, three.

- [Group] Goat's cheese.

- Yep, pretty great and I'll just grab one of you separately

just for the Photoshop thing and one, two, three.

- Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, great, thank you.

- You should come along to the ministry one of these days.

We're always looking for new Pentecostal soldiers.

- Will I get to shag someone half my age?

- If that's what the Lord has in mind for you, yes.

- I'm really sorry, Ray, for what I did to you,

I know it was horrible and I'm genuinely really sorry.

- How much weight have you lost?

- 44 kilos.

- Must make working for World Vision more comfortable?

- Makes quite a few things more comfortable.

I wanna divorce, Ray.

Jerome and I wanna get married.

- Oh he's happy to marry you now,

Now that someone else has brought up his kids,

now that you're not a blimp?

- Yeah that's not fair.

- Well you don't sound very sorry.

- I am but I'm not gonna beat myself up about it anymore.

- Well, do you mind if I have a go?

- Look at her.

We did a great job with her.

You were a fine father, figure.

You had a really positive weird influence on her.

Yes, she's using a disturbing sexual relationship

to resolve her father issues but,

thank you Ray.

- Oh, oh, oh, off of me, I think that's...

- Are you, are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, no I'm not.

(upbeat music)

- Well, well, well, well, well (laughing).

What a bunch of assholes.

Sorry to interrupt your scheming.

- We're from the Australian Taxation Office.

We're here to conduct a field audit.

- Oh, I do beg your pardon.

My name's Dick Denyar, I'm the spokesman for this group of

disaffected business proprietors,

all of whom have in some way been

infected by the World Wide Business Group.

- This is just a bunch of yokels who have swung through

the trees, down from the mountains trying to blame

a city slicker like me because they don't understand

how business works.

I see this everywhere, you know, people who try

and blame somebody else for their own shortcomings

and it's quite pathetic.

- This guy, Marcus Good, charges people

to advertise in a magazine that he never distributes.

- Marcus Good?

- No, no, no, he's Hayden King, I recognize the voice.

- He sounds an awful lot like James White to me.

- I thought the same thing.

- So who's Don?

- Are you Don Angel?

- Now I'm bloody Don Angel.

- So who are you?

- I'm Ray Leonard Leonard.

- Mr. Angel, don't you think it's time you gave up

this charade?

- No, I bloody don't.

Look just, you can check my driver's license, hmm?

What, you think anyone can run a business this size

on their own?

Manage five premier publications,

keep all those clients happy, forget these pullets

and be a loving father in my spare time?

You people have got no idea.

You got your ponce degrees in, in accounting and,

and business bloody management.

You're just paper shufflers.

It's just origami what you people do?

You got no idea what happens in the real world.

It's people like me that drive this country's economy.

Ray Leonard Leonard is a respected journalist.

What are you doing working here, Ray?

- I don't think I could do anything else really.

- You see, he can't imagine himself doing anything else.

He's excited by the world of opportunities here,

because I brought him into the World Wide family.

I treat Ray, like I treat my own kids, don't I Ray?

- Pretty much.

- And that's the beauty of small business.

But you people, oh dear, you just wanna take small business

up the ass.

I'm about wealth creation,

the trickle down effect, but you're, you're about red tape

and regulation you're, you're a, you're a condom,

on the small business penis.

I mean, I'm just trying to have a good old fashioned

Aussie go, no offense.

I mean this, you know what this is?

This is the tall poppy syndrome.

This is Alan Bond all over again.

Look what he did, you know, the winged keel and beer,

Bond University?

I mean do we have an ATO university?

No we don't, because he was a businessman

and he built things and you people just tear them down.

- I think you'll find we do actually

have taxpayer funded universities, Mr. Angel

and hospitals, and schools, and roads,

and the more tax we collect from people who evaded,

the more we can spend on them.

- As for this bunch of losers,

hoo, talk about small businessmen.

- Why don't you just shut up?

You're a complete charlatan,

you're some sort of sibyl of small business.

- Oh, I have had enough of this, deary me.

I'm sorry, wait here, 'cause I will prove you wrong,

deary me.

- Mr. Angel.

(upbeat music)

(glass breaking)

- Jesus!

Fuck!

(glass breaking)

- So, what's gonna happen now?

- Well, we'll take these documents away with us,

try to get a picture of what's going on here

and then we'll take whatever action is appropriate.

(Noel singing)

(Noel barking)

- Hello.

- Oh, you've got someone with you.

We'll pop back later.

- No, we were just finishing.

- In that case, you'd better break out the bubbly Ray?

We have decided to earn our living doggy style.

- So you're saying...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah the franchise

we really wanna give it a crack.

- Do you mind telling me why?

- For all the reasons you outlined, Ray.

I mean, we really appreciated your honesty

and your lack of bovine excrement, if you get my meaning.

- But I hope you don't think that I was twisting,

talking you into it?

- No, no if anything, it was like you're trying to talk

us out of it, wasn't it love?

- Hmm.

- Good.

- Perhaps it was reverse psychology?

- No, no, I'm still struggling with it

the right way around.

- We're doing the right thing though?

- Well, come on, this checkbook is burning a hole

in my pocket.

Uh, that was 91,000 wasn't it?

- Yep.

- Should we make it 90?

- Well I don't think we should be quibbling over $1,000,

so let's just keep it at 91, shall we?

- Yeah (laughing) that's fine, that's fine, okay.

Who should I make it out to mate?

- Cash might be best.

(Noel sighing)

(upbeat music)

(phone ringing)

- [Voicemail] I can't get to the phone so leave a message.

(phone beeping)

- [Ray] Don it's Ray, can you give me a ring?

Noel and Coralie have just given me a check for $91,000

for a Don's Dirty Dog Wash franchise

and I'm not sure what I should do next,

practically or morally.

Thanks.

(telephone beeps)

(country music)

♪ The Sydney Harbour Bridge it lights up on new years eve ♪

♪ Revealing to the world ♪

♪ Just what Aussies can achieve ♪

(Don farting)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

♪ Sure is something to be proud of ♪

♪ 'Cause electricity you don't want to run out of ♪

(Don farting)

(Don sighing)

♪ To an island paradise ♪

♪ It's no wonder migrants flock here ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nowhere ♪

♪ Nowhere, nowhere ♪

♪ Quite as ♪

- That was delicious.

- Mm-hmm.

- Must give you some money for that.

- No, no my treat.

I got it on a two for one voucher.

- Oh well, thanks for using it on me.

- My pleasure.

Anyway, this is what I've got so far.

The debut album from the Camberwell Woodwind

and Brass Band.

Ole, it's the Camberwell Woodwind and Brass Band.

Marks them as one of the premier bands of their genre

in Melbourne's eastern suburbs.

The punchy horn section and crisp woodwinds

shines through on every track

under the masterful baton of retired public servant,

Anthony Juhuche A.M.

A particular note is systems analyst Ian Gourlay's

French horn playing, on the, "Entertainer."

An absolute delight.

While retail Queen Janet Wilson's work on the...

Oh boy.

Oh God.

♪ Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere ♪

♪ Quite as nice ♪

♪ Quite as nice ♪

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