Original subtitles

[ Fanfare plays on cellphone ]

[ All chanting "Lulu!" ]

[ Cellphone beeps, fanfare and chanting stops ]

You believe it?

She scored five goals.

Well, to be fair, it was the goalie's nap time.

Is this what pride feels like?

I've never felt it before.

[ Knock on door ]

You left me in the car.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

It's okay. You also left your keys.

Wait. You were in the car alone with the ‐‐

Yeah, she moved it.

What?! I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

I've got to go change Lulu.

She got so excited about the victory,

she literally pooped herself.

Whatcha doing?

My puzzle game.

Mm.

You know, Emily, there's still time to sign you up

if you want to play soccer like your sister.

I don't want to kick the ball.

I feel like I'm hurting it.

[ Sighs ] We've got to get her

into something besides that puzzle game.

Yeah. She's a sweet kid.

The world is gonna destroy her.

[ Door opens ]

Oh, Jo,

I notice you lose your keys a lot.

Do I?

Yes, you do.

That's why I thought you'd like my new purse.

It has a special key pocket.

Uh‐huh.

And a‐a holder for your phone.

Neat.

And I call this little special pouch "the gum zone."

That's really great.

Don't you just love it?

Careful.

I‐I do.

I ‐‐ I do just love it.

I knew you'd love it.

So I got one for you, too!

Yay. [ Laughs ]

Now you won't be a hot mess.

You'll just be hot.

Like me.

We have to do something about her gifts.

This cannot be my purse.

It looks like a giant gorilla testicle.

Quick impression ‐‐ me, 10 years ago.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

I gave this bag a shot, but I can't.

A hawk tried to steal it from me.

You know, before I met you,

I never changed my sheets, and it was fine.

You know [Sighs] if your mom would stop

spending all her money on terrible gifts,

maybe she could, like, chip in on groceries instead.

I know. She keeps eating all the string cheese.

[ Emily and Lulu screaming ]

Emily: Give it to me! Lulu: My trophy!

Your turn.

Hey, what's going on?

Lulu wouldn't give me her trophy.

Oh, Emily.

You know the best way to get a trophy?

Lulu gives me hers?

No, no, you earn one by playing soccer, like Lulu.

Nah. I don't want to lose my weekends.

You know, you don't have to play a whole season.

Your Tío Chuy has a soccer clinic,

and if you try it for a day,

you get a participation trophy.

Just a day?

And do you promise I'll get a trophy?

Yes. Fine.

Are we making a mistake here?

Definitely, but what are you talking about?

I don't want to bribe Emily into playing sports.

I mean, why doesn't she just like them like we did?

Babe, you remember that moment in the hospital

when we were alone with that other couple?

Yeah.

Did we take the right kid?

♪♪

Alright, my superstar niece is here.

And Emily.

Hi, Tío Chuy.

Why don't you go run a few suicides,

and we'll start in a minute?

[ Sighs ] So, Chuy,

it took a lot of encouragement to get Emily here today, so...

Ah, you don't know how to motivate your kid,

so you need me to step in and save your family.

I got it.

Yep, that's exactly what we were gonna say.

Hey, Jo, I love that purse.

Okay. That's it. It's gone.

Kids, you probably know who I am.

Local soccer legend, Chuy Rodriguez.

Chh, chh! [ Pops lips ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Chuckles ]

Today it is my honor

to introduce you to the most beautiful game ‐‐

soccer.

And then you'll all get trophies.

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Soccer has just a few simple rules.

Rule number one ‐‐ you can only use your feet.

No hands.

Okay, little early for questions,

but, uh, what's up, Emily?

Why can't we use our hands?

Well, because, uh, soccer's been around

for thousands of years,

and no one's ever used their hands.

Yes?

Did people used to not have hands?

What?

No. No, no, no. People ‐‐ People had hands.

Then why did they hate them?

Let's not talk about hands.

If you don't want to talk about hands,

then why did you bring it up?

Okay, change of plans.

Uh, we're gonna do some sprints.

Okay, now, everybody run between the cones.

[ Blows whistle ]

Hey, uh...

What are you doing?

I'm not allowed to use my hands.

Well, you ‐‐ you can use your hands for that.

This is the most confusing thing that's ever happened to me.

Me, too.

♪♪

[ Groans ]

Hey, uh, where's my mom's purse?

[ Smacks lips ] About that.

Oh, no.

You know I love your mom.

You do?

Of course.

[ Scoffs ]

But a purse is enormously personal.

That's why they call it a purse.

Hmm. Really?

No.

Oh, my God, babe. [ Chuckles ]

Look, hon, I know it's a lot to ask,

but you don't have to use it the rest of your life.

Just the rest of hers.

You don't get it.

It's different for you, because you actually like her gifts.

Pbht! What?

No, I don't.

You don't?

No.

Every birthday since I was 10,

she's given me a plaid shirt.

You think I like plaid shirts?

Yes.

You wear one every day.

This is like a prison to me.

I want to wear Hawaiian shirts.

Hawaiian shirts!

That sounds very doable.

Why don't you just talk to her?

Oh, you don't think I've tried?

Once, in 2005, I started to,

and she looked at me like that possum you ran over last year.

[ Whimpers ] Blblblbl!

Don't ever bring him up.

Okay, look, i‐i‐in your family,

if you don't like something, you just tell each other, right?

Yeah.

Well, that's not how we do it.

[ Scoffs ]

What do you think is gonna happen if you're honest?

It would destroy the system. What system?

The system of never, ever saying what you think

to avoid releasing a lifetime of unexpressed emotions.

You're crazy.

Why don't we go get the kids?

Okay, sure. [ Sniffs ]

Where are they?

♪♪

Congratulations.

I know participation trophies are stupid, but ‐‐

So stupid.

...I'm excited for Emily to get one.

Me too. Yeah.

She needs a win.

I mean, even just getting her to participate

was a huge accomplishment.

Yeah, they should give us a trophy.

[ Applause ]

Mom, Dad,

I didn't get a trophy.

What?

Tío Chuy didn't give me one.

Chuy, what the [bleep]

You said every kid gets a trophy!

If they participate. Emily did not.

What are you talking about?

Emily didn't kick the ball once.

She spent six hours trying to eat a sandwich with her foot.

Well, that's a new level of weird.

Okay, Chuy, but she was here,

so Emily should get a damn trophy.

Jo, attendance is not the same as participation.

If I give her one,

then a participation trophy means nothing.

Exactly. It's just a piece of plastic.

Chuy, come on.

She's been refusing to play sports for years.

Look, we finally got her here, okay?

If Emily doesn't get a trophy today,

I‐I don't think she's ever gonna try sports again.

So, you guys screw up for six years,

and you expect me to fix it in six hours?

That's exactly what you said you were gonna do.

As much as I love my niece,

when I get to the pearly gates,

I don't want the big guy saying,

"Why did you lie and say Emily participated?

I expected more from local soccer legend Chuy Rodriguez."

I'm gonna destroy him on Yelp.

[ Sighs ]

You promised if I went to the stupid thing,

I would get a trophy.

Yeah, but you didn't actually play soccer.

Who cares?

I just want a trophy.

[ Sighs ]

Emily, if Daddy or I went to work

and didn't do anything,

do you think we'd still get paid?

Mm, it's kind of a gray area for me.

Yeah, you know, government work.

You're always changing the rules.

[ Footsteps fade ]

Before kids,

did you ever imagine having a problem like this?

[ Scoffs ] "I don't want to eat my broccoli"?

Sure.

"Not gonna do my homework." Heard of that.

"I don't like fun."

It's not something they tell you about.

The only thing she ever does without complaining

is that puzzle game. I know.

I kept thinking this was gonna get better as she got older.

But now she is older, and it's not better.

We've tried so many activities ‐‐ piano, ballet.

She wouldn't even pretend to have a job in improv.

[ Chuckling ] Oh. I remember that.

She kept saying, "I'm unemployed."

[ Laughs ]

I don't know. We ‐‐ We can't give up on her.

We j‐‐ We have to find a way to get her interested in something.

What are you talking about?

We were just saying that we need to get Emily

interested in something.

Oh, you need to get Emily interested in something.

Right, yes, I‐I just said that.

But, hey, you know, since we're all talking...

[ Chuckles ]

Yes?

The purse you got me ‐‐ very thoughtful.

Oh, thank you.

Yes.

However, a purse...

I...

You know ‐‐ Jo lost the purse.

Yes, yes! Yes. It's so crazy.

You bought me the purse so that I wouldn't lose my keys,

and then I lost the purse that was supposed to help me not lose my keys.

I guess ‐‐ I guess I need a purse for my purse.

[ Laughs ]

Okay.

[ Door opens ]

God. I couldn't do it.

I cou‐‐ You were right.

Her whole eye was pupil.

Couldn't just use the purse for the rest of her life, huh?

Alright, what happens now?

You're gonna bury that purse.

[ Fanfare plays on cellphone ]

Okay, Emily.

[ Cellphone beeps, fanfare stops ] Open your eyes.

Welcome to the Olympics of You.

The what of me?

Olympics. Remember?

We watched the summer ones like three years ago?

I was 3.

Do you remember when you were 3?

No, but I've had a lot of drinks.

Look, i‐in the Olympics,

people participate in a bunch of different sports.

And you can earn this trophy

if you try any of the sports on this lawn.

Take your time, honey.

See what speaks to you.

Hello?

It's not saying anything.

Okay, that ‐‐ No, that's just a figure of speech.

Here. How does the ball feel in your hands?

This one's too hard.

This one's too soft.

This one's gonna be just right.

I hate this one!

[ Fanfare plays ]

Oh!

Basket.

Great job, Lulu!

See? It's not hard.

Lulu did it.

If Lulu can do it, I‐I bet you can, too.

You like Lulu better than me.

Hey, Lulu.

Read the room.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Just draw a dagger through my heart.

What color?

Hey, Em, can we talk to you?

Hey, we don't like Lulu better than you.

Yeah, there are no favorites in this family, okay?

I mean, you know, it's like Mom and me.

You don't have a favorite, right?

Yeah, I do. It's Mom. Don't answer tha‐‐

It was a hypothetical. You ‐‐

Look, we're just trying to get you interested

in something other than your puzzle game.

I love that game.

We know.

There's just a lot more to life.

Than doing what you love?

Yes.

The real lesson here is

that there's a whole, big world out there, baby,

and you should try new things.

No, thanks. I just want to lay in bed and play my game.

Okay.

Then the real, real lesson here

is that no matter what,

you're special, and we love you, okay?

I love you, too.

Even though Lulu has two trophies and I have none.

Oh, God. She's doing your mom's pupil thing.

You know what? Hold that thought.

Here.

This is for being a great kid.

[ Gasps ]

Okay, we're done here.

Thank you. Bye. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Bye‐bye‐bye. Bye‐bye‐bye‐bye.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Did we just get played?

Well, she's not doing sports, she didn't learn anything,

we gave her a trophy, and got kicked out of her room.

So, yeah.

Oh, Jo. Jo: Mm.

Would you get me a diet soda from the fridge?

Sure. Thanks.

Aah!

Something wrong, Jo?

You look as though you've seen a ghost.

The purse. [ Exhales sharply ]

You found it.

How?

I put a tracking tile in it.

Well, you do lose things

and you said you liked it a lot,

and I found it in a bag in a hole.

Oh, Bill,

do you know anything about this?

I told her not to, Mommy.

Nice.

It seems we need to talk.

What is going on here?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, this has gone on long enough.

I have to come clean.

Bill hates plaid shirts.

Jo hates the purse.

Bill hates everything you've ever given him!

Jo ran over a possum! [ Gasps ]

So, you don't like my presents?

Mom, listen, w‐w‐we ‐‐ we appreciate them so much.

But, yes, we hate them.

Oh.

Alright, I'll cool it on the presents.

That's it?

Yeah, what did you think was gonna happen?

Nah, I knew you'd be totally cool with it.

Yeah, I'm cool.

Okay, so you're not mad?

Why would I be mad?

I‐I‐I‐I only give you gifts

because I don't contribute.

I don't pay rent. I‐I don't buy groceries.

Now I can stop.

Okay, great.

Thank you! Bye!

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Feels like we just got played again.

You know what? Who cares if she buys groceries.

I can finally wear Hawaiian shirts.

Hawaiian shirts.

And I can use my old purse.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Emily: [ Singsong voice ] Mom. Dad.

And it feels like we're gonna get played a third time.

♪♪

[ Normal voice ] Watch.

[ Fan whirs ]

Oh.

I built the thing from the iPad game.

Emily, this is amazing.

I‐I am so proud of you.

Wait. Hold on. Thi‐‐ This is why you wanted the trophy?

I should've just given it to you.

I know you don't like Lulu better than me.

I just said that 'cause I knew you were gonna give me a trophy.

And you did.

You guys are a puzzle, and I figured you out.

[ Laughing maniacally ]

Hey, babe. Hm?

What do you think, the one with a lot of pineapples

or the one with all the hot sauces?

[ Knock on door ]

I'll get that. You're very busy.

[ Sighs ]

Chuy.

I've given this a lot of thought,

and some things are more important than participation.

One of them is family, which is why I'm here ‐‐

Chuy, stop talking. It's all settled.

It is?

Yeah, she just wanted the trophy

for this, like, crazy, cool machine thing.

Ha‐ha!

God is so funny.

Here I am, about to compromise everything I hold dear

to make a child happy,

and He shows me

that rules are more important than children.

Have a great night!

[ Door closes ]