Original subtitles

What do we got here?

You lost?

You're a pretty thing.

Hey, girl! Hey, girl!

You're in the wrong part of town.

Hey, girl! We're talking to you!

Hey, get back here!

- Hey! Get her! - You better get back here!

- We gonna get you! - Hey!

You boys must be lost.

I suggest you find a barber shop in Oak Lawn.

They specialize in your kind of hair.

Okay, come on, girl.

- Let's sit you down. Yeah. - Yeah.

- Poor thing. - That's right, take it easy.

Her husband chased him five blocks down Patterson,

blitzed out of his mind, in his drawers.

You're jiving me.

Allison, am I lying?

Don't pull her into your mess. You know the girl can't speak.

Sorry I'm late. Good to see everybody.

Hey!

All right, so, I have been getting a lot of questions from the young folk

asking me about why...

why it is that the S.J.C.C. chooses to be nonviolent.

And they'll say to me things like, "Ray, these people are killing us.

So why don't we just fight back?"

And I understand their sentiment. Believe me, I understand it.

'Cause I was there once myself.

In case you wanted to get involved, sister.

- Here you are, darlin'. - See ya.

- Do your thing, bro. - All right now.

Well, maybe we can discuss these over dinner.

My name is Ray.

What's your name?

Allison.

Well, all right, Miss Allison.

Dinner?

You've got a good nose.

You know, planting her in a psych ward,

taking advantage of my simpleton brother,

that was smart.

Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

- She's your... - Daughter.

Yes. And she's my only one,

so I'd appreciate it if you didn't crush her windpipe.

I am so going to enjoy killing you someday.

Lila, darling, would you give us a minute, please?

Yes, the grown-ups need to talk.

What is it you want?

Do you like jazz, Five?

I'd rather lick a cheese grater.

Aww.

Jazz is like a beautiful woman.

Complex, emotional, hard to please.

She doesn't just give it to you... she makes you work for it.

I'm really hoping that you're going somewhere with this.

Under my leadership,

the Commission would sound more like...

...jazz.

And what about the board of directors?

Well, that's where you come in.

Nope.

No, it isn't.

In exchange for the assassination of the board,

I'm willing to get you and your family out of this timeline

and back to 2019 where you belong.

And what about World War III

that's due to kick off in just a few days?

Once you and your siblings are gone, that goes away.

And the apocalypse when we get back to 2019?

That too.

I distinctly remember you telling me that that apocalypse had to happen,

that it was supposed to happen.

Back then I was toeing the company line,

but once I'm in charge...

We can riff...

Jazz.

Exactly.

What about the board of directors, hmm?

I mean, nobody knows who they are.

Correct.

But once every fiscal quarter, they get together for a board meeting.

- Where? - The question is when.

They meet somewhere in the timeline but never in the same place twice.

The exact location and date of these board meetings

is the most closely-guarded secret in the Commission.

But you know where it's gonna be, don't you?

Would I be any good at what I do if I didn't?

- I need some time to think about it. - Fine.

But remember, doomsday's right around the corner,

and the way things are going,

I'm your only option.

Not yet you aren't.

Diego, this is a setup.

Maybe. But we should go anyway.

Says the guy who's already been stabbed once this week.

Oh, don't worry, me and him are gonna have words.

- Would you tell him that he's nuts? - I think we should go.

- See? - Vanya, of all people,

you should hate Dad the most.

Come on, can he really be that bad?

Okay, well, let's see.

He isolated you from the rest of the family.

Kept you hopped up on pills.

And he brainwashed you into thinking you had no powers.

- Jesus, this guy... - Yeah.

I mean, come on, I have to meet him.

You already know how this is gonna go.

Dad is gonna play all his little mind games on us,

get into our heads,

and he's gonna turn us all against each other. You watch.

Luther, we're not 12 anymore.

All right? We're grown-ass men.

And women.

Hey.

Hey.

We can handle him.

- Wanna know what's different this time? - What's that?

You got me.

We go in there as a united front.

No more "Number One," "Number Two" bullshit.

From now on, it's...

Team Zero.

"Team Zero"?

Team Zero.

All the way.

This is a mistake.

Don't mess with my flow.

You can't just go out there and tell them the world is gonna end.

You know what can happen to cults when things go sideways.

First of all, it's not a cult.

All right? And second of all,

relax, all right?

I'll make sure there's no Kool-Aid in the house.

Oh, what are you gonna say? "Prepare to die"?

- They deserve a better explanation, Klaus. - What, better than the truth?

Listen, this whole thing started by accident,

and it was fun helping people for a while.

Oh, this whole thing started because you're a narcissist.

- Oh, is that right? - Isn't an altruistic bone in your body.

If the world's gonna end, Ben,

these people should go back to their families.

Most of them don't have families to go back to.

Jill gave up an Albright scholarship to Berkeley

to follow you around the world.

- Her parents won't even talk to her. - Jill...

Jill... Oh, that's the, um...

...the Dutch girl with the lazy eye, right?

No.

Brown skin, glasses.

Almond-shaped eyes you get lost in.

She gave up her entire future for you.

Maybe she freed herself from the prison of the American education system

and decided instead to come and learn from the school of life.

- Clever girl, I say. - Klaus, these are real people.

They're not just...

scarves you can try on and toss out whenever you feel like.

You owe them.

You know, it's a teensy-weensy bit frustrating

when you seem to always want exactly the opposite of what I want.

All right, fine.

Thank you.

Great, cool.

Thank you.

Okay, thank you. Sit down.

My name is Klaus, and I am an alcoho...

Sorry, that's the wrong meeting.

Uh...

In my walkabout, I did a lot of thinking...

searching, ruminating,

and there's something that I'd like to share

with all of you.

I'm a fraud.

Yeah, I... I've been lying to all of you from... from the start, and, uh...

I'm a complete and total fraud.

Me too.

I... I'm a fraud too.

- Uh... - I'm the worst kind of fraud.

I... I am a fraud to myself.

But your scriptures say,

"As long as I know how to love...

I know I'll stay alive."

- I... - That's... Ta-ta-ta-ta. But...

But that's not scripture.

Okay? That's a song lyric by disco diva Gloria Gaynor,

and I stole it!

- Gloria Gaynor? - Gloria Gaynor...?

Look, eh, you guys don't wanna follow me.

I can't lead you anywhere.

I'm not a guru, I'm not a messiah,

I'm... I'm a... fraud!

And I don't know what I'm doing up here.

I... I don't. I'm just, you know...

making it up as we...

You... You people should all just...

go back to your families.

Keechie...

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look, look, look at me in the face, okay? It's okay.

It's okay, though. Listen.

Everything is gonna be okay.

Okay?

I understand.

Good.

When we admit our own fraudulence,

only then can we experience true humility.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

That's not what I meant.

- It's not what I meant. - I too am a fraud.

- I am a fraud. - I too am a fraud!

I am a fraud!

I am a fraud! A fraud.

Okay.

Well...

Dude, I tried.

I am a fraud.

So there was a Black president?

- We've been through this. - Like, "Black" Black.

- In the White House? - Yes.

And you have...

Powers, yes.

For the 17th time.

Why are you telling me this now?

Because we might not...

Because you deserve to know the truth.

Then prove it.

- Excuse me? - You heard me.

Prove it.

Okay, it is not just some parlor trick. There is a cost.

Okay, so Wonder Woman's got powers, but nobody can see 'em?

How convenient.

Excuse me...

my husband would like to try on this suit.

Colored folks can't try on the merchandise,

- but if you'd like to make a purchase... - I heard a rumor

that you let him try on anything in the store.

Why don't you do this all the time?

I mean, think of everything that we could accomplish.

For the movement.

Allison, wait.

Don't go in there, Allison.

No, no. We are not doing this again.

Get your Black ass outta here

before I call the police.

I heard a rumor that you shut your damn mouth.

Coffee, black.

More.

More.

Allison.

- What the...? - Allison?

- More. - Allison, stop it.

- More. - Look at his hand. You're hurting him.

- More. - Enough.

- You proved your point, babe. - Sorry.

B-6!

- Thank you. - Oh, I got that one.

I got lucky.

Oh, yeah?

O-72!

- Oh! - And remember, folks,

tonight's grand prize is a brand-new patio set

from Monroe's Furniture Emporium!

Come on. You missed O-72.

Pay attention. I want that patio set.

I-29.

You're gonna get crow's feet if you keep scowling like that.

Do you really think Five's the best assassin

the Commission's ever produced?

Come on, I'm just buttering him up, honey.

Why not ask me to kill the board?

Because I have much bigger plans for you.

- Trust me. - You don't think I can handle it.

- Of course you can. - Then what's the problem?

I would kill for an assignment like that.

In any coup, you need a scapegoat, all right?

We need deniability.

- You and me both. - G-47.

G-47...

Damn it.

What about Diego?

What about him?

Is he part of your little scapegoat plan?

What's wrong? You gone sweet on him?

- Don't be silly. - Mmm, come on,

I know every look, every tick...

every crack in your voice.

And that little bracelet you're wearing, that certainly isn't very subtle.

Hey, this is a trophy.

From a job well-executed.

Falling for your mark, it's so cliché.

That's so ridiculous.

Is it?

So you'd kill him if I asked you to?

- You hesitated. - No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

- Nice try. - B-9!

B-9...

Oh, my God.

- Bingo, you old shitbags! - Jiminy Christmas!

God damn it. Ahh...

I know you fancy yourself a spiritual guru and all of that,

so this is gonna be hard to hear,

but, um...

you need serious help.

"Oh, Klaus, don't do this!

Klaus, do do this, but not like that."

I mean, I can't take a piss without you nitpicking at my aim.

Oh, without me you'd be dead in a ditch somewhere.

I just realized who you sound like.

- Who? - Dad.

Don't say that.

- Dad. - I'm serious! Shut up!

Sixteen years in the grave,

and you finally turned into your father.

That was weird.

Jesus, Ben.

What the hell did you just do?

I think I was...

inside of you.

Ugh.

I'm sorry. We've caught you in the middle of prayer.

- Dave? - Jill.

Raymond, you clearly have something to say,

so why don't you just go ahead and say it?

Did you use it on me?

Ray, of course not.

But if you had, would I even know?

Where did that come from?

What is it?

Uh...

So how did you find me?

- Hmm? - I found this pamphlet

- with your face on it. - Oh, no.

Well, I'm glad you came.

Hey, listen, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the other day.

Pfft. Don't worry about it.

It's good for the ego to take a punch every now and again, I say.

Yeah, but still, that's not the kinda guy I am.

I know. I know.

Hey, the other day you said a bunch of stuff

- about the war and about my uncle. - Uh-huh.

- How did you know all that stuff? - Oh, that's easy. I'm a prophet.

Yeah, right.

- It's all right there in the pamphlet. - Prophet.

Yeah, but, I mean, no disrespect, but this stuff isn't real.

- Prophet. - Oh.

Okay, well then how come I know everything about you?

Yeah, like what?

Like...

I know your favorite food

is a plain hamburger with two pickles.

- Everybody likes a hamburger. - Oh, come on.

Your favorite song is "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance."

Who told you that?

And your favorite book of all time is Dune.

Ha. Wrong.

- I've never even heard of Dune. - Mmm!

You will.

And you'll love it, trust me. And you're welcome, by the way.

What else?

What else, what else, what else...

I know that sometimes

you feel like an outsider in your own family.

You hope that being a soldier will prove something to them

and prove something to yourself.

And I'm here to tell you, Dave,

that that's not gonna work

and you're gonna end up wishing that you didn't.

You have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

- Mmm. - I'm joining the military

- because it's the right... - 'Cause it's the right thing to do.

Don't even know why I came here.

Listen, February 21, 1968, in the A Shau Valley,

you take fire trying to hold hill 689...

You never come off that hill, Dave. That's... That's it.

You're lying.

- You're some kind of con artist. - Here, look, look, look. Look, look.

Take these.

They're all I have left of ya.

- Even if I believed you... - Mm-hmm.

- Which I don't... - Mmm.

This is what I signed up for.

It's an honor to die for my country.

That's what you peaceniks don't understand.

- But you don't have to... - Yes, I do.

- No, you don't. - I've already enlisted.

What? That's not supposed to happen yet.

The other day after I saw you, my uncle took me down to the recruitment office.

He made me sign up.

I ship out next week.

What?

So save these for the next dumb kid you're trying to recruit.

Dave.

Dave? Dave, come back.

This came for you, Prophet.

All the new age remedies out there,

but nothing beats a schvitz when it comes to stress.

My job can be stressful, sure.

But I can't imagine what it must be like for you boys.

Do we know you?

No.

But I know all about you.

However,

seems you've run into some problems

on this job.

Just a snag.

You lost your brother. I'd call that more than a snag.

What if I can give you the location

of the knife-hurling dolt responsible for blowing up

your beloved brother?

Who are you?

Somebody you're going to want to know.

Unharm my wiener.

Go on.

I'll give you the exact location

of the one you're looking for, Diego.

The rest...

I leave up to your imaginations.

What's in it for you?

Let's just say that

his little game of "Hide the Sausage" with my daughter

needs a swift end.

I just have one request.

Don't hurt the little one with

the cute socks.

Lavender.

Wait up.

Hold it.

Hey, everyone.

Excuse me.

Good. We're all here.

- Oh... - Oof.

- Luther! - Oh, my God.

Sorry, I'm nervous.

Oh...

- Nasty. I'm choking! - None of that.

All right, when Dad gets here, I'll do the talking, okay?

Got a few questions for him myself.

Hey, we don't wanna scare him off.

He might be able to help us stop doomsday, get us home.

No, we need to figure out why he's planning to kill the president.

This is a matter of life and death, you imbecile.

Okay, yeah, maybe we should take turns talking. Yeah?

Here, whoever has got this conch shell gets to talk.

Vanya, we don't have time for a debate, okay?

Maybe I should lead. We all know I'm a better public speaker than the rest.

Okay, Daddy's girl.

Oh, jealous, Number Two?

Hey, no more numbers.

No more bullshit. We're Team Zero.

We're all Team Zero.

Uh, Diego.

You don't have the conch.

Classic.

Not only have you burglarized my lab,

set my chimp loose,

conned your way into the Mexican consulate,

repeatedly stalked and attacked me,

but you have, on numerous occasions, called me...

- Hey, Pop. How's it hangin'? - "Dad."

My reconnaissance tells me you're not CIA,

not KGB, certainly not MI5, so...

who are you?

We're your children.

We're from the future.

In 1989, you adopted us all and trained us to fight against the end of the world.

Called us the Umbrella Academy.

- Why on earth would I adopt six... - Seven.

- One of us isn't here. - Dead.

One of us is dead.

Dead, yes, but I'm here. Klaus!

- Yeah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. - Tell them I'm here.

Enough of that now.

Regardless,

what would possess me to adopt seven ill-mannered malcontents?

We all have special abilities.

Special? In what sense?

In the superpower sense.

Called me old-fashioned,

but I'm a stickler for a pesky little thing called evidence.

Show me.

Everybody wants to see powers all of a sudden.

We're not circus animals, okay?

We're not gonna bounce balls on our noses

and clap our hands like seals for your amusement.

What are you writing?

You are zero for two, young man.

Stop!

Now that is interesting.

All right, uh, quick rundown.

Luther: super strength.

Klaus can commune with the dead.

Allison can rumor anyone to do anything.

Except she never uses it.

I heard a rumor you punched yourself in the face.

Aah!

Damn it!

And you?

Uh, maybe we don't take Vanya for a test run.

Oh, yeah, that's probably not a good idea.

- Yeah. - It's fine.

- I can handle it. - Handle it?

Last time you handled it, you definitely blew up the moon.

No, Vanya, don't!

This is my favorite shirt. Wow.

Oops.

That was impressive.

Look, we know that you're involved in a plot to assassinate the president.

You were recently hospitalized, isn't that correct?

You still appear to be suffering from delusions of grandeur and acute paranoia.

Am I?

Explain this.

That's you.

That's two days from now on the grassy knoll

at the exact spot the president's gonna get shot.

Well...

I suppose you've solved it.

You've single-handedly unearthed my nefarious plot.

Is that what you want to hear?

You fancy yourself a do-gooder?

The last good man who will save us from our descent

into corruption and conspiracy?

This is a fantastic delusion.

The sad reality is that you're a desperate man,

tragically unaware of his own insignificance,

desperately clinging to his own ineffectual reasoning.

More succinctly,

a man in over his head.

You're wr... wrong.

Look, forget about the president.

We have a catastrophic war coming in five days.

We need to figure out how to stop it.

War?

Men will always be at war with each other.

No, this isn't just some war.

I'm talking about a doomsday.

The end of the world.

Well...

you're the special ones, aren't you?

Why don't you band together and do something about it?

All right. Screw it.

Is he having a seizure?

Overdosing probably.

Should we do something?

Klaus!

Now is not the time. What are you doing?

I'm...

Out with it, boy.

...Ben!

Well...

thank you for coming.

- I've seen about enough. - No, I...

Look at what you did to me.

Look at it!

Oh, shit. Why?

You in the culottes.

A word, in private?

Check, please.

Well, that went as well as any Hargreeves family function.

I feel so violated.

I need an herbal bath.

You had no right to possess me.

Oh, possession is a strong word. I'd like to say "borrowed you."

Temporarily.

- Congratulations. - For what?

I think that's the first time you've ever stood up to Dad.

- Hmm. - Are you okay?

So much for having my back in there.

Team Zero, my ass.

Klaus.

Just leave me.

Just leave me.

You again? Why are you followin' us?

I just wanna show you something.

How did you find me?

This came for you at the farm.

Can we go somewhere?

Private?

What is this?

Your boyfriend isn't the nice guy you think he is.

Him and his nasty little squad of lizard people

are planning to kill Kennedy the day after tomorrow.

I don't understand.

He is going to kill the president.

That's ridiculous.

He would never hurt anyone.

What do you think he's doing here in Dallas?

What do you think that meeting at the consulate was all about?

It is a conspiracy.

We have to stop him.

You're mistaken.

Don't take my word for it.

Ask him yourself.

You seem to be the sensible one of the bunch.

That's because I'm the oldest.

You know, technically, I'm older than you right now.

Cognac?

Just a smidge.

The other night you quoted Homer at me.

Why?

You forced us all to learn it as kids.

In the original Greek, no less.

Mmm.

This world ends in five days if we don't get out of the timeline.

Worlds end.

Paleozoic, Jurassic, and so on.

We can do something about this one.

Man's greatest flaw:

the illusion of control.

I need your help.

All right? You're my last sane option.

Otherwise, I gotta make a deal that I really don't wanna make.

What do you know about time travel?

- In theory? - In practice.

I know it's akin to descending blindly

into the depths of freezing waters and reappearing...

As an acorn. Yeah.

What transpired when you tried traveling before?

- I botched it. - How?

I jumped too far forward,

got stuck in the future for 45 years in an apocalypse.

Then I jumped too far backwards...

except this time I brought my entire family with me.

Maybe your appetite is disproportionate to the size of your abilities.

Start small.

Seconds,

not decades.

- Seconds? - Mmm.

Look, no offense, but I need a bit more time

for what I'm trying to accomplish.

So much can change in a matter of seconds.

One could overthrow an empire.

One could fall in love.

An acorn doesn't become an oak overnight.

I was really hoping you had more than that.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

I'm sorry, too.

I gave you such a hard time as a kid.

I didn't know any better.

Hmm.

No skin off my teeth, old man.

Hey, buddy.

How'd you get up here?

Huh?

What's wrong?

You hungry?

Let's see here... Ooh.

Look what I got.

Where is Diego?

I don't... I don't... I don't... I don't know.

Where is he?

I told you, I don't know.

Aah...

Say "Ahh." Ahh!

I don't like how we left things.

I wanna explain.

Whatever this is...

Vanya, it's dangerous.

They do not abide...

women like us

around here.

- I know. - Just let me finish.

Some of us don't get to have

the life we want.

That doesn't mean we don't want it.

You understand me?

What if we go somewhere?

Away from here.

Away from Carl.

Somewhere we can be safe.

What do you mean? Where?

I don't know yet.

I don't know.

But I won't let anything happen to you or Harlan.

I can protect you.

I just need you to trust me.

I do.

Lord help me, I do.

Let's get outta here.

We could drive north.

I got family in Oklahoma.

We gotta be careful. Carl can't catch a scent.

His brother Jerry is a st...

He's a state trooper and if he thinks I'm gonna run...

- Hey, hey, we won't let him, okay? - Okay. Okay, okay.

It's gonna be everything as usual

- until we're ready. - Okay.

Just give me a little time.

Elliott?

Just in time for a nightcap.

To be clear,

I take out the board...

You get me and my family home.

No more doomsday, no more apocalypse.

Is that correct?

That's the deal.

Then I'm in.