All language subtitles for The Grand Tour - 1x01 - The Holy Trinity.WEB-DL.DEFLATE.en

According to today's
newspaper headlines,

it seems that it's
the end of the road

for motoring presenter
Jeremy Clarkson...

...and said that
it's with deep regret

the decision had been taken
not to renew him.

...forecast plenty of sunshine
through today

with seasonal temperatures.

We should reach a high of about
82 degrees by this afternoon...

Hello, everybody!

Hello.
That was the Hothouse Flowers.

And now,
look what we have here.

He was born-

He was born in 1836...

He was fired by Car magazine,

fired by Autocar magazine,

fired by Scotland On Sunday,

and somehow he managed
to get fired

by a Volvo dealership.

Thank you.

Probably for driving
too slowly.

Ladies and gentlemen,
James May!

Thank you, thank you.
You're very kind.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

you probably can't see him
from the back,

but I assure you
he is here.

He was fired by Radio York,

fired by Radio Leeds,

and fired by Radio Lancashire,

it's Richard Hammond!

Hello! Hello! Thank you!

Thank you.

And, ladies and gentlemen!

Over here!

He's-- He's basically

a shaved ape in a shirt.

And he, technically,
is the only one of us

never to be fired by anyone.

It's Jeremy Clarkson!

Thank you so much.

And the good thing is,

it's very unlikely
I'm going to be fired now,

because we're on the Internet,

which means
I could pleasure a horse.

No! No.

- Dog?
- No.

No pleasuring of any sort.

- There are families watching.
- Yes!

Anyway, we are all
car journalists.

And we have spent
the last 20 years...

- Being fired.
- Yes.

But we have poured
everything we know,

everything we care about,
into this show.

Everything. And coming up now
is a small montage

of what you can expect
over the next 12 weeks.

Are we ready, gentlemen?

Honestly, I don't know.

Argh!

Is that the size of the drop
or what's happened to his penis?

You're looking
at magnificence.

Help! This is bad.

James says we've got
to stop for fuel.

I hate you!

He doesn't like us.

Bloody Nora!

May be leaking slightly.

What a moron.

You sunk my limousine!

I've lost one of
my nose tampons.

This is not a particularly
cultural thing to do.

I don't like the smell
of tire smoke in the evening.

Oi! Get back in!

James is falling...

Sideways in linen.

There's no dignity in that,
is there?

No.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Now-- Thank you.

All of that is gonna
be hosted from this.

This is our new
travelling studio tent.

Thank you so much. We're gonna
be roaming the world in it.

We're gonna be like gypsies.

Only the cars we drive
are gonna be insured.

Stop saying things
that are gonna get us fired.

But I'm just saying,
it's brilliant.

It is.

Oi! Who shot our drone?

- Did someone shoot it?
- Him.

Let's not get bogged down
in who shot what, okay?

Let's get changed
and get on with the show.

Shall we get on
with the show?

Let's do it.

Thank you, everybody!

Thank you so much.

And welcome
to the first ever Grand Tour.

Thank you. Now, we hope
you like our tent.

We think the great thing is that
because it roams around the world,

we get a different view out of
the big picture windows every week.

So this week,
obviously we've got

the high desert
of California.

- Next week, who knows?
- I do.

Well, yes, James, we know.
It's Johannesburg.

- Now they know.
- I know they know! It doesn't matter!

The point is the view changes
and so does the audience, okay?

This week
you're all Americans.

Now, this is a bit
of a problem

for people like us
who speak English.

We can converse perfectly well
in a shop or a restaurant,

but when it comes
to cars and motoring,

every single word you use
is different.

When I say "different",
I mean "wrong."

When you change gear with a
lever, what do you call that?

- Stick.
- Stick.

Now, you see,
this is a stick.

Couldn't change gear
with this.

Wouldn't work. What you can do
with this is point at things.

Let's see
if we can get you educated.

What do you call
this bit of a car?

- The hood!
- Bonnet.

- Bonnet.
- They're learning.

What do you mean? I know you
can wear a bonnet on your head.

It's two things. We're capable of
having those different thoughts.

- What type of vehicle is this?
- Pick-up.

No, it's stupid.

- Oh, now, hang on.
- It is stupid.

Let's do another one of these.

- What type of vehicle is this?
- Coupe.

Coupe? Coop is where
you keep your chickens.

That's a coup�.
That's a French word, I admit.

- Yeah, a bit.
- They're muddled with that.

George Bush, have you heard what
he once said about the French?

"The trouble with the French is
they have no word

for entrepreneur."

It is difficult. I think
the only thing we agree on

- is "steering wheel."
- Yeah.

But then they go and put it
on the wrong side of the car.

It must be really annoying having to
drive along like that all the time.

Why don't you just put it in
front of the driver like we do?

It's probably a good idea if
we get on with the actual show.

Yes, it is. But we had
to clear all that up,

because contrary to what
some people have been saying,

this actually is a car show.

- Well, not next week it isn't.
- Next week is an exception.

- Yeah.
- But not when we go to Barbados either.

No, Barbados is definitely
another exception.

But tonight couldn't be
more "car-y" if it tried.

I'm gonna prove that point because
we're kicking off with this.

Bear with me, bear with me-

I agree!

The thing is, though,

various supercar makers
have now taken

the polar-bear-friendly
technology from a Prius,

and they are now using it
to create raw, naked speed.

Now, I say the best
of these hybrid hypercars

is the mad,
swivel-eyed McLaren P1.

Whereas Richard Hammond,
who's wrong-

I'm not wrong.

He is, because he says
the best

is actually the rather
boring Porsche 918.

- It's not boring!
- Yes, it is.

- It isn't.
- Mm-hmm.

It isn't.
Well, whatever.

We decided to meet up
with the cars

and settle this
once and for all.

The location we chose for this
titanic duel was Portugal...

specifically, the international
race track of the Algarve.

When we arrived,
mechanics from Porsche

and McLaren pounced on
our cars,

fettling them for
what was to come.

And this meant Hammond and I
had some time to indulge

in a spot
of childish point scoring.

Which one of these is going to
be the fastest around this track?

- This?
- Yeah.

Apart from this one,
which will be faster.

It won't. Which one do you
think will be the fastest?

- This one.
- This one.

Porsche think the Porsche will be
fastest. McLaren say the McLaren.

How much is it
if I wanted to buy one?

I think one was sold in
an auction for 1.8 million.

1.8 million dollars.
Hammond, how much is yours?

838 euros.

- Thousand I'm guessing?
- Yes. It is thousands.

Why has your car
got a number on the side?

It's the Weissach edition,
this one.

- You also get titanium chassis bolts.
- Stupid.

For just an extra �60.000.

And a carbon-fiber
bonnet strut.

Look at that.
How much does that save?

- About 100 grams.
- Right there, 100 grams.

Has the McLaren got
a carbon-fiber bonnet strut?

- Doesn't need one.
- No, because my bonnet doesn't go up

because it will never
break down.

And it's got silly doors.
Proper doors, silly doors.

Mine does 34 miles
to the gallon.

This does 94.

- 94 miles to the gallon?
- 94mpg.

Just remind me,
Porsche is owned by?

That'll be Volkswagen.

Soon the McLaren and the Porsche
were ready for some shakedown laps.

And for these we decided
we'd drive each other's cars.

Straight away,
I can tell you

that this doesn't have
the brutality or the savagery

of the McLaren.

Because it has rear-wheel
steering and four-wheel drive,

it feels secure and safe.

And that gives you
the confidence-

...to play about.

If I went round this corner
this fast in the McLaren...

...a lot of poo would come out.

Whoa! There's poo
coming out now!

Jesus.

It's spinning its
wheels in sixth!

This is frightening,
that's what it is.

Whoa! More poo.

I didn't think it was possible
to shit yourself to death.

The grip is genuinely
incredible.

Oh, there you go.

In the savage
and unforgiving P1,

my nerves were shot
to pieces.

But I, too, was falling
in love.

903 horsepower.

Oh, my God!

Oh, you bad, bad,
naughty car!

Jesus.

This recalibrates
your mind.

I didn't think anything could
be as exciting as that Porsche,

but this- this is.

This is brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Oh.

What a car.

I love it.

- Well?
- This is rubbish!

I was just thinking exactly
the same about this.

- Were you?
- This was boring me to death.

It was like being stuck
in a Victorian woman's novel.

I'd rather that than being stuck in a
telephone box with a panicking gorilla.

- Rubbish.
- It was trying to kill me.

- It wants to hurt me.
- That's why I like it.

This is
a missionary-position car.

Razor blade
in the hands of a surgeon.

Sickle in the hands
of a drunk peasant.

Downton Abbey. Breaking Bad.
That's crystal meth.

That's some iffy weed.

Fine wine.
Crate of Newcy Brown.

Schooner of sherry.
Absinthe.

James Bond specifying

his martini to be shaken
not stirred.

Begbie in Trainspotting

lobbing a pint pot over
his shoulder in a night club

and starting a bar fight.
What?

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm here because, gentlemen,

I have in the back
of that lorry

something that will make
your McLaren and your Porsche

look like lumps of yesteryear.

I cannot remember
the last time a car,

or, indeed,
any sort of thing,

gave me a fizz like
the Ferrari LaFerrari.

This has 950 horsepower.

950.

More than either
of the other two.

And it's lighter.
It weighs 1.250 kilograms.

Which is less
than most hatchbacks.

Actually there is a bit more
to the Ferrari LaFerrari,

because what it has is, in
effect, a formula one KERS system.

It constantly recovers energy
that would otherwise be lost

using its electric motor
and its battery.

So as I brake there,

the car is actually saying,
"That energy, I'll have that."

Straight!

This is what 950 horsepower
feels like!

Jesus!

This I believe will absolutely
mince the other two.

Oh, man!

James was obviously
talking nonsense.

But there's no getting
around the fact

that these three cars
take automotive science

to a new level.

They use
the latest green technology

to squeeze
as much speed as possible

from every molecule of fuel.

As a result, they're
all capable of blasting

way past 200 miles an hour

whilst producing fewer harmful
emissions than a family saloon.

What we have here, then,
are three incredible machines

which, at a stroke,

have made the traditional
supercar look wooden...

and old-fashioned.

Welcome, everyone,
to the hypercar holy trinity.

In that door mirror
I have a �1 million Porsche.

In that door mirror
I have a �1 million Ferrari.

What a toy box today.

Sparks from Jezzer.

I don't think so, Hammond.

This could be so expensive.

It's going to boost.

Pushing the IPAS button!

And that gives me
another 170 horsepower.

Opening DRS!

Oh, my Christ!

Bloody...

And here comes May
in the Ferrari LaFerrari.

Concentrating.
Concentrating.

Oh-oh! That bloody car

is trying to kill me,
and I'm not even in it.

Ha-ha!

We could have played
out there all day,

but before we ended up
in a �3 million crash,

we decided to start
the tests

to see which
of the cars was best.

I came up with the first one,

mainly to annoy
gate-crasher May.

Let's make the first test
a drag race

- using electrical power only.
- Good idea.

- It isn't a good idea.
- Why not?

Because you can't drive the
Ferrari on electrical power only.

- No!
- Of course you can't,

because it's a KERS system
like a Formula One car.

It's got a V12 engine
and an electric motor,

but they are integrated, they work
together, you can't separate them.

- You should have thought about that, shouldn't you?
- Bad planning.

With James reduced
to the role of onlooker,

we lined up the P1 and
the 918 on the start line,

but then, instead of
revving the petrol engines,

we shut them down.

That is weird.

Preparing to start a drag race

in complete silence.

I still have
two electric motors

that together produce
285 brake horsepower

which is 109 more

than the one electric motor
in his McLaren. Oh, yeah.

I'm outta here!

You've got to love that,
the immediate power

from an electrical engine.

That is 70 miles an hour
already and it isn't enough.

Who won that?
It was me, wasn't it?

Yeah, but it's not
important though, is it?

- Is it not?
- It's just not relevant.

Right, right.

In a drag race, it's irrelevant
which car gets there first?

Yeah, yours is
the better milk float.

Back in the pits, Hammond had
an idea for the next test.

We've got to drive to the hotel
yet. It's about an hour away.

It gives us a chance to see
what they're like on the road.

- That's a good point.
- Real world.

- That is a good point.
- I can't do that.

I can't drive the Ferrari
on the road.

- Why?
- It's not registered.

It is,
it's got number plates.

No, that's just pretend
number plates.

If they register it,
it becomes second-hand

and they pay tax. That's
why it came in the lorry.

So you can't drive it
on the road either?

Nobody can drive it.
It's not road legal.

- Oh, no.
- Mate, that's...

- That is such a shame.
- It's an hour of-

That's really a rotten bit
of luck.

'Cause you've come a long way
from Italy.

I can't give you a lift

'cause the soundman's headphones
are on the seat and the mixer.

Oh, no.

There's literally
nothing I can do.

Soon Richard
and I were enjoying

the world's
best-ever commute.

It may be a bit Spartan
in here,

but it's unbelievably
comfortable.

Because it uses electronics

rather than traditional
anti-roll bars.

That means there's
no physical connection

between the wheels.

So if one goes over a bump
the others aren't affected.

It's uncanny. It's like being
in a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

It's a lovely evening.
Taken the roof panels out.

Set the air-con just so.

And I'm enjoying
a drive in the country.

Meanwhile...

Oh, bloody hell.

You're all right.

You're all right,
in Italian.

Oh, God.

- James.
- What?

I'm sorry to have to say this,
but that Ferrari is useless.

Yes, yes, yes.
Later on in part two,

when these two have stopped
dreaming up

idiotic and irrelevant tests

that it can't take part in,
we shall see.

Fair enough. Now,

at this point in the show
we like to sit down

and chew the fat about new
cars and motoring issues.

Like, for example, why in Britain
we have to drive at 50 miles an hour

when they're doing roadworks to protect
the workforce which is never there.

Yes, okay...

And why fully-grown adults

have taken to riding around
the city on children's toys?

- Yes, okay.
- I think they're called bicycles.

- Is that the right word?
- It's issues like that.

It's a segment we are calling
Conversation Street.

- Well...
- What?

We put a lot of work into that!

It was really,
really hard doing that.

Better than that, rather
brilliantly, we have made

a bespoke version
of that sting

for every single episode

we're gonna make
for the next three years.

How about that?

But hold on.
The slight problem with that

is that we were
so busy doing that

we didn't think actually
of anything to talk about.

- We did.
- Yeah.

- What?
- You'll love this.

James May, the world's
slowest moving human being,

has been caught speeding.

Actually charged
by the police.

Criminal.

He's actually quite proud of it.

He did it on a Honda
CBR 600RR sports bike.

The thing was...

Richard and I were
genuinely astonished.

He came into the office
and said,

"I've been done
for speeding."

Until we found out
how fast he was going.

James, how fast was it again?

37 miles an hour.

Crazy! Mad man!

How did you even breathe
at that kind of speed?

How did the police catch you?
Were they running?

Gentle jog for sure.

The thing is,
if you've been caught,

'cause we genuinely don't
believe anyone in the world has,

but if you've been caught
speeding at a speed less than 37,

do honestly please write
to us and let us know.

'Cause we don't think
it's possible.

And mark your envelope,
"I'm a tortoise."

And that is all
we have time for this week

on Conversation Street.

- Whoa! Hang on a minute.
- What?

The first-ever show,
and you just mock me

for my speeding ticket
and then we move on?

It's a busy show.

It is a busy show. We've got to
tell everyone about our track.

Yes, we have one.

This is the sort of place
where you can drive cars

at speeds that you can do
on the road

but only if you want
to go to prison afterwards.

What, like 38 miles an hour?

39 maybe even,
40 from time to time.

Now, we were hoping
that we could bring it

round the world with us
like the tent.

But unfortunately
it's too heavy,

and, as you are about to see,
too bitey.

This is it.

It's not a race circuit.

It's not an airfield.

It's not a road.

What it is
is brilliant and fast.

And extremely dangerous.

It even looks dangerous
on a map.

Because as you can see,
it's the exact same shape

as the Ebola virus.

Right, time now to show you
what a lap looks like.

To do that we've got a bit of
a performance benchmark.

A Ferrari 488.

Take it away.

Take it away.

First up,
it's the Isn't Straight,

so called because
it isn't straight.

There is a super-fast left
followed by a super-fast right.

And if you make a mistake,
there's no run-off area or Armco.

It's just woods.

Woods that are full of wildlife

which likes to run out
in front of you.

After the second right
on the Isn't Straight,

we're into
Your Name Here Corner.

Sponsorship opportunities
are available here.

However, I should explain

that it's possible nobody
will be looking at your banner

because this is a corner
that was designed

so a car can do this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

James May...
isn't here today.

That's just a friend
of mine

on his way back up
the Isn't Straight...

towards Old Lady's House.

We've called this section
Old Lady's House,

because it's right next
to a house

where an old lady lives.

She tells us she likes cars.

Says she used to have one.

Not sure she's going
to like them quite so much

after we've been here
a few times.

Next up, there's a narrow
and bumpy sprint

to Sub Station.

You need to get
this 90-left right,

or you'll crash into
a cage full of electricity.

And you'll need to get the
final 90-left right as well,

or you'll run into
a field of sheep.

So, trees, animals,

a house, electricity,

and because it's in England,

usually quite a lot
of moisture in the air.

It really is the most dangerous
track anywhere in the world.

To post a fast time here,

you do need...

those.

The car I've selected
for my first lap

of the Eboladrome
is this.

The BMW M2.

Sadly, there isn't the time
in this, our first-ever show,

to do a full road test
of this car,

but there is time
to say that I think

this is the best M car
BMW has ever made.

In a lot of fast cars
these days,

you get all sorts
of knobs and buttons

which you can use
to change-

I say change-
I mean ruin

the characteristics
of the engine

and the suspension
and the steering and so on.

And I always think,
isn't that like a chef

bringing a fish to your table

and an oven and some butter
and a bit of parsley,

and saying,
"Cook it yourself"? No.

You cook it,
it's what I'm paying for.

This car, happily,
has a more

back-to-basics approach.

In the M2, you get a little
rocker switch down here

which does nothing at all

as far as I can see,
and that's it.

You're buying a car
which was set up at the factory

by engineers who know
what they're doing.

And all you have to do
is enjoy it.

Which I am doing.

Yes, look at this.

Oh, yeah, loving that.

I'll do that again, actually,
and make sure-

make sure I was correct.

There's hardly
any understeer at all.

Poke the back out
and hold it there.

Yeah!

I'll do that again...

only going the other way.

Wrong way round
Your Name Here.

Klaus and Fritz,
I am loving your work.

Oh, I made a mess of that.
But I'll just do this,

and it'll look like
I did it on purpose.

With the tires begging
for mercy,

I got back onto the Isn't

and unleashed
365 rampaging horsepowers

from the turbo-charged
three-liter straight six.

This isn't as fast
in a straight line

as an M3,
but everywhere else...

it is better.

It feels less heavy,
less cumbersome.

And due to the unique
characteristics of our straight,

I can tell the steering
is less...

It's less twitchy.

This track was designed
to trip cars up.

There are fast corners,

slow corners,

drifty corners, and bumps.

It's hard on the tires.

It's hard on the brakes.
It's hard on the engine.

It's point and squirt
and bark and yelp.

It is vicious.

But there is nothing here
which has flummoxed the M2.

This thing is
an absolute masterpiece.

Like I said,
it is the best M car

BMW has ever made.

You may think
it's mad to suggest

the cheapest M car
is the best,

but look at it this way,

this track is a lot cheaper
than Silverstone.

And I know which one
I'd rather drive round.

Go drive an M2.
Unbelievable.

What?

Why is there that zigzag
at Old Lady's House?

- That wasn't there when I went.
- No, that wasn't.

But after you'd left,
we discovered there is

an unexploded Second
World War bomb, seriously,

right where the track was,
so we had to go round it.

- Fair enough.
- Let me get this right.

At our track,
there's trees, animals,

moisture, electricity,

a house,
and an unexploded bomb?

Yeah. Like I said, it's the most
dangerous track in the world.

Honestly, it makes Imola
look like a duvet. Honestly.

Anyway, all the cars that
we test at the Eboladrome

will do a timed lap.

And to make sure it's a
completely level playing field,

they will all be driven
by the same racing driver.

Ooh!

We thought about this.
We gave it some thought.

How clever is that? Now...

The thing is,
Amazon insisted

that the racing driver
in question

should be from this side
of the pond.

So we went to something
called NASCAR?

And we found one.
We shipped him to England

and then we introduced him
to the complicated procedure

which involves turning right.

He's called Mike Skinner,

but we know him simply as
"the American."

We should warn you

that some of his views
are quite strong.

Yes, he has very specific
views, for example,

on cars that have engines
with fewer than eight cylinders.

- Communist.
- Or more than eight cylinders.

- Communist.
- Or cars that have their engine in the middle.

Communist.

Everything that isn't American
really with a V8 is communist.

So let's see how he gets on
with the M2.

There he is.

Looking utterly bewildered.

But he's off.
A skitter of a wheel spin.

And immediately
he's onto the Isn't Straight.

There is a right there
that will have confused him.

Now a left,
he'll be good at that.

Now he can open the taps.

Three liters, six cylinders.

This thing wouldn't pull
a greasy string

out of a dog's ass.

I've literally no
idea what he's talking about.

Where I come from,
this ain't a car.

It's a cry for help.

Whatever.

He's through the final corner
on the Isn't Straight.

Into Your Name Here.
Hard on the brakes.

Grabbing the stick,

which is on the left-hand
side of where he's sitting,

and turning in.

See what I mean?
No understeer at all.

Damn tracks are narrower
than my driveway.

Yeah, that's 'cause it doesn't
have a monster truck on it.

Wonder which one of them
came up with this thing.

The tall one? The short one?
Or the one with the girly hair?

Okay, coming up
to Old Lady's House.

Hard on the brakes.

Turning in, round
the unexploded bomb,

and now opening
the taps again.

No turbo lag at all,

as he hammers down
the bumpy back straight

towards Sub Station.

This is a 90-left,

new Tarmac
but it held it well.

One more 90-left to go
through Field Of Sheep.

And he's done it well.
And across the line.

First one. That's good.

He's great.

He's great going
left and right. Amazing.

To make sure that the M2-

that wasn't on the lap board
all by itself,

we got the American to put
other benchmark cars-

we call them benchmark cars,
he calls them communist-

around the track,
to see what's what.

McLaren, Audi and so forth.

Hang on a minute.
We saw a Ferrari 488

at the track
in the film earlier on.

Why isn't that on there?

Because Ferrari
wouldn't let us time it.

- Wouldn't let us?
- No.

So the Ferrari LaFerrari
can't go on the road

- or run on electric only?
- No.

And the 488
can't do a timed lap?

Ferrari are quite tricky to
deal with from time to time.

Let's just put it that way
and move on. It's time to see

where the M2 goes
on that board.

Let's have a look.
Let's put it on.

- Oh!
- Ha-ha!

Wow! Wow!

"I think it's the best M car
they've ever made."

Not my words.

"I prefer it to all the others
that are quicker than it."

- Yes, it's-
- The one you should have,

if you want one that's slower
than all the other M cars.

It's better.
It's only two seconds-

- It's quicker than a Civic.
- Yeah.

But it's slower than-

If you had a choice
of M cars, lined them up,

and said, "I'd like the
fastest", it wouldn't be that one.

- Shut up.
- Better in every single way?

- You said that.
- I don't care. Have you driven one?

- I have.
- It's fabulous.

It's a brilliant car.
It really honestly is.

It's a shame we can't take the
track round the world with us.

Because if we did, we could invite
celebrities to drive round it

and we could keep
a score sheet

of who was the fastest.

No, I don't like it!

I don't like it, no.

- I don't think it would work.
- Nobody wants to watch that.

I'm not sure that they do.
Anyway, we've got a better idea,

Okay, for our celebrities.

We're calling it
Celebrity Brain Crash,

and we had a sting made
for that as well.

That is terrible.

I don't like to use this...

It's just terrible.

Who is gonna say, "I'm gonna
watch that new Amazon car show.

Henry VIII's head explodes"?

Why is there smoke coming out
of Brad Pitt's head?

What are we trying to say?

- No, we're not.
- No, we're not saying that.

Not that.

That is a terrible sting,

but the machine itself
isn't terrible at all.

It's used to measure
somebody's mental agility,

their observational skills

and their ability
to multi-task.

It's actually based
on a machine

that's used
to test fighter pilots

who want to join
the Royal Air Force

which, as we all know, is the
finest and greatest air force

in the world.

What do you mean, "Boo"?
What do you mean, "Boo"? What?

If that was true, we wouldn't have to
help you every time you get in trouble.

I'll hold myself back here.

Now, hold on. You lot can
grumble as much as you like,

but we edit this show
and we're British,

so you'll just get cut out.

We're all in agreement.

That the Royal Air Force is
better than the US Air Force.

USA! USA! USA!

We're all in agreement

the Royal Air Force is better than
all the other air forces in the world.

We're all now in agreement.

The Royal Air Force is-

is the best air force
in the world.

So we're all in agreement the
Royal Air Force is quite good.

That will do. That will do.

So let's get back
to Celebrity Brain Crash

and meet our first-ever guest.

Normally on other shows,

the guest will come through
a sparkly curtain,

wave a bit and then sit down,
but not here.

Oh, yes, our guests
make a proper arrival.

And on that note,
let's meet tonight's star.

He has been in pretty much

every single movie franchise
there is

apart from Bridget Jones.

No, he was Bridget Jones.

- Was he?
- No.

But it doesn't matter.
He was in the Bourne films.

He was in the
Mission Impossible films,

the Avengers films,

and right now
he is 10.000 feet above us,

waiting to make
one hell of an entrance.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeremy Renner!

There he is. There he is,
that's his plane.

Hold on, everybody.
Here he comes.

He is ready to jump.

I'm ready!

He is ready to jump.
And there he goes!

That is amazing

to see him doing
his own stunts.

Yeah, I know.
And he is looking good!

When he gets here,

I do want to talk to him
about that Bourne Legacy film.

A: what it was like to punch
Shane Jacobson.

And, B...
Ooh, hang on.

He's leaving this terribly late.

Right.

Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?

No, James, he's not.

It's okay, though. We
anticipated this sort of thing,

so we got
a back-up guest ready.

Uh...

He was in Man From Uncle.

He was in Lone Ranger.
He was both twins

in The Social Network.

And his new film is called
Nocturnal Animals.

We haven't had time,
unfortunately,

to organize
a dramatic entrance,

but I hope you'll give him
a warm welcome nevertheless.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Armie Hammer!

There he is.

Oh, my...

Jesus!

Is that a snake?

- It's a snake.
- That's a rattlesnake.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

He's being killed.
Quiet, everyone.

Quiet, please.

There's literally
nothing we can do.

He's yards away from us.

Snakes are like herds
of them.

- They hunt in packs.
- Yeah, they're pack animals.

Does that mean
he's not coming on either?

No, James, he's finished
writhing around in agony.

And now he's dead.

So that is a no.

Well, uh...

maybe there's somebody famous
in the audience.

That's unlikely.

No. Seriously,
you know Carol Vorderman?

She rang me this morning
from an air show nearby

and said,
can she come to the show?

I know you don't know
who Carol Vorderman is.

She's a huge, huge,
huge star in the UK.

She started out on
a program called Countdown

and established herself as
being unbelievably brilliant,

a fantastic mathematician

and very beautiful.

Yes, she's also dead.

What?

- What?
- She's dead.

- How did that happen?
- I don't know. I'm not a pathologist!

But she's dead
is what she is.

- Seriously?
- Yes!

- Christ.
- Problem.

What are we gonna do?

Um...

Jesus, look at that out there.
It's like a-

It's just littered
with corpses.

Lads, I don't think
this bit is working.

Let's drop

Celebrity Brain Crash
this week.

We'll do it again in
South Africa next week,

and I think people will
have forgotten all this.

- They might not.
- I think they will.

We'll just skip over it now.
It's not gonna happen.

That's okay, 'cause we
can back to the cars.

Yes! Moving on!

- Don't look.
- Yes, don't look.

This week-

This week we are trying
to find out

which of the new breed of
hybrid hypercars is the best.

Yes. On day one
at the track in Portugal,

we established that
the McLaren P1 is a mentalist,

that the Porsche 918
is a very good milk float,

and that the Ferrari LaFerrari
can do nothing at all.

Some of that is true.

But now, day two.

We began by lining up

the three most exciting cars
on the planet

for the drag race
of all drag races.

Naturally, this meant
engaging launch control,

which in the McLaren
takes about a fortnight.

I have to have the drive tray
in track mode,

the aero package
in sport mode,

so that the rear end squats

when I set off
and gives me more traction.

I have to have the DRS
button pressed with my thumb

to keep the rear wing open
which reduces drag obviously.

Launch control in the Porsche,
left foot on the brake hard.

Right foot
on the throttle hard.

Light goes green, left foot
off brake. Pa-ching!

Launch button,
press for two seconds.

Left foot on brake.
Right foot on throttle.

Press launch control,
mash the throttle,

within four seconds
release the brake.

Three seconds later,
I have full boost,

and I have to set off
within three seconds

or the entire system
disengages.

I'm going to get this wrong.

Just so you know.

I've got a lot to do in here.

I wasn't ready.

Oh, my God!
That is quick!

Holy mother!
Did you see that?

F*** me!
Jesus F*** Christ!

It's all over the place.

Since it was clear I'd got
all my buttons wrong,

the chaps agreed
to another run.

Sit rep,
the lights went green

before the boost was ready,

and I had the DRS button
still pressed

when I got to the end,
which meant I had no downforce,

which meant-
Well, poo came out.

This time I'm gonna do it
with more drag,

which will slow me down,
but I will be able to stop

without killing myself.

KERS system charged. Right.

Boost building.

Three, two...

And we are away!
What a start!

The Porsche has got off
to a flyer.

Oh, balls!

180, 190, 210.

230 kilometers an hour.

That wasn't very good.

Because James had
somehow messed up that time,

and because this test
was about the cars,

we decided to go again.

It's a rocket ship.

For England!

No, no!

Okay, we have all three
won this now.

Determined
to find a definitive

one-two-three
finishing order,

we ran again.

Another totally different
result there, gentlemen.

And again.

That's a different result
again.

And again?

At this point,
we decided to call

a halt to proceedings,

because we had reached
a scientific conclusion.

It turns out it doesn't really
matter which car you buy,

it all depends on your shoes.

Now, this is a TOD loafer.

Slightly worn
to get a crisper jump

off the brake pedal,
and it's immediate.

- This is a Converse.
- There's more sponge in there than I thought.

See, Adidas, they weren't
thinking that through.

- So, as you lift your foot up...
- It's a millisecond.

I know you've got KERS,

I know you've got
a 6.3-litre V12,

and I know that launch
control system is amazing,

but it's all let down

by the sponginess
of the Adidas shoe.

So they should sell you
the car and the shoes.

No, have you got the correct
shoes and have you worn them in?

- Exactly.
- Fresh shoes, lads.

- I just need to...
- You need to skid about. There we go.

With that sorted,

it was time to bring in
a racing driver

to see which of our cars
could do the fastest lap.

Our resident American
said he wasn't interested,

because all three cars
are probably communist.

So instead, we went
for a Belgian chap-

...who's done Formula One
and Formula E,

Jerome d'Ambrosio.

Jerome took the cars out

to get a sense of how
they handled.

And when he'd finished,

we were interested to hear

his professional opinion.

At this point,
word reached us that Jeremy

was taking liberties
with the subtitling machine.

So we moved on
to the big event:

the timed laps.

Once the mechanics had
finished their preparations,

the three speed traps
were activated.

And the Ferrari LaFerrari
took its place

on the start line.

Look how good it looks there.

This is just wasting time.
It's wasting rubber and fuel.

No, this is like
an amuse-bouche.

Yeah, it is. You have ordered
the duck and sherry trifle.

- And you're a melon ball.
- I'm not even listening.

Gentlemen, it is doing
231.4 kilometers an hour

at the end of the straight.

It's about the same speed as a
Golf diesel, something like that.

194.9.

Going down the hill
using gravity.

- Is he stopping off for shopping?
- He must be.

Here he is.

- James, if you want to get a cup of tea.
- We've warmed the track.

Next it was the turn
of the Porsche 918.

How much faster will it go
because of the stripes?

Much.

231 point...

So he's faster
than the Ferrari.

183.0.

Way, way,
way slower than him.

Don't forget between here
and the next measuring point,

Okay, you've got
four slow corners,

and those are the ones where the
Porsche is gonna make up time.

Because of the
four-wheel steering.

- Like a Honda Prelude?
- No!

- 110 point what?
- One.

So, almost to a tenth of a kilometer
an hour, the same speed as you.

Here he comes.
He's firing noises.

There it is.
Look at that.

Finally, it was
the turn of the psycho killer.

The trickiest,
the edgiest of the three.

But I was so confident
it'd win,

I was prepared
to take a massive gamble.

If the McLaren
isn't the fastest,

you two can knock
my house down.

- What?
- Knock it down.

- What, your house?
- Yeah, and I mean that.

That's how confident I am
that that will be the fastest.

- You know we will do that?
- Yeah.

- It's a serious bet?
- Yeah.

- Fine.
- If that's not the fastest,

- we can knock your house down?
- Yup.

You know where it is.
You've both been.

I'd love to knock it down.

Here we go.
A lot riding on this.

235.9.

Okay, it's fastest at the end
of the first straight.

Would you like to come
to my house for dinner?

Yes. Can I bring a bulldozer?

188.3.

That is worryingly quick.
Brisk.

It's quite brisk?

We don't know how fast it's
going around the tight turns.

Might have been doing two
kilometers an hour around here.

Where is he?

Crashed.

With that,
back to the tent.

Thank you so much. Now...

I want to make it
absolutely plain,

'cause I know this matters
to anoraks,

all three cars were running on
exactly the same sort of tires.

Yes, same tires, same track,
same driver.

So the times
are down to the cars.

Yup. And now it is time
to reveal those times.

Let me just make it
absolutely clear.

We don't know what they are.

The producers have kept them
from us.

- They're top secret.
- Yup.

So, let's put
the scoreboard up,

and let's begin with

the Ferrari LaFerrari,
I believe.

Let's see what it did it in,
please.

We don't know
if that's any good, do we?

Let's move on
and do the Porsche next.

What did the Porsche
do it in?

Oh, yes! 1:54.2!

Yes! Yes! You see?

You said it would mince
the Porsche.

And it didn't mince it.
It was slower than the Porsche.

I told you
it's just a melon ball.

It's slower than my car,

which was faster
than your car.

0.2 of a second,
and it looks better.

Yeah, it did in my mirror where
it belongs getting smaller.

It's a melon ball,
and it lost.

- Hammond.
- What?

- Calm down.
- All right.

Because now we must bring up

the time that really matters.

The one where
a lot's at stake.

The McLaren...

The McLaren P1.

- Are you nervous? Sure?
- No. No.

- A little bit?
- No!

- I'm not nervous.
- Why be nervous?

You could get, like,
a shopping trolley

and keep all your things
in it.

Make some new friends
under a bridge somewhere.

- Hammond.
- I'd say sell your body but don't do that.

Be quiet! Let's-

Let's bring up the time
of the P1. Here we go.

- Oh, God.
- Where is it?

Yes!

That is funny.
Because you said...

the fastest,
but it's not the fastest.

It's the slowest!

Ladies and gentlemen,
journalist, broadcaster

and homeless man,
Jeremy Clarkson.

That's what it is.
That's what it is.

You're not really going
to knock my house down?

Yes, we are.

- A bet is a bet.
- That's the deal.

- And we're going to film it.
- No, but the thing is,

on the tires that the
McLaren can be bought with,

it was faster.

We agreed right at the start

we'd all run on
the same tires.

That was the deal
before your car lost.

So let's just...

Let's just sum this
first show up, shall we?

I've lost my house.

- We've had a fight with the audience.
- Big one.

Somebody shot our drone down.

And we've killed three
quite major celebrities.

Yeah, but on the plus side,

my Porsche was the fastest!

And on that terrible
disappointment,

I'm afraid it's time to end.

Thank you all very much
for coming.

Thank you for watching.

And we'll see you next week
in Johannesburg.

Good-bye!