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1
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:09,572
Wake up! Wake up!
Sergeant, wake that man up.
2
00:02:09,739 --> 00:02:11,991
Constable, liven that man up
with your truncheon.
3
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,327
Get his feet moving!
4
00:02:18,289 --> 00:02:21,501
Remember, you're
electricity man to the whole nation.
5
00:02:52,031 --> 00:02:54,367
Rubber? Rubber?
6
00:03:21,977 --> 00:03:23,061
Eh?
7
00:03:28,901 --> 00:03:31,612
Yes. Coming, coming, coming!
8
00:03:35,074 --> 00:03:38,494
Good evening. I mean that most sincerely.
9
00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:42,123
- I am the BBC, as you can see.
- Oh!
10
00:03:42,206 --> 00:03:44,083
And here was the last news.
11
00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:54,802
On this, the third,
or is it the fourth anniversary
12
00:03:54,885 --> 00:03:56,178
of the nuclear misunderstanding
13
00:03:56,262 --> 00:03:59,515
which led to the Third World War,
here is the...
14
00:04:01,183 --> 00:04:02,685
Oh, sod!
15
00:04:05,688 --> 00:04:06,939
...here is the...
16
00:04:09,942 --> 00:04:13,195
...of the Third World War,
here is the last recorded statement...
17
00:04:13,279 --> 00:04:15,656
...of the Prime Minister, as he then was,
18
00:04:15,698 --> 00:04:19,202
...who had just succeeded his
illustrious father into office.
19
00:04:20,619 --> 00:04:23,372
"I feel I am not boasting
when I remind you that this was,"
20
00:04:23,455 --> 00:04:27,376
"...without a shadow of a doubt,
the very shortest war in living memory."
21
00:04:27,459 --> 00:04:31,463
"Two minutes, 28 seconds,
up to and including the grave process..."
22
00:04:31,547 --> 00:04:33,674
"...of signing the peace
treaty fully blotted."
23
00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:37,178
"The great task of burying
our 40 million dead..."
24
00:04:37,219 --> 00:04:41,015
"...was also carried out
with great expediency and good will."
25
00:04:41,974 --> 00:04:45,895
"You know this great country of ours
often sticks in the mud of past,"
26
00:04:45,978 --> 00:04:49,523
"...searches out and holds up
to the light the mistakes of past times."
27
00:04:49,732 --> 00:04:53,069
That man! Damn him! Haig the Butcher.
28
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:56,155
I shall tell the world. Look at that!
29
00:04:56,572 --> 00:04:59,575
Another chap butchered. Oh, the horror!
30
00:04:59,658 --> 00:05:02,161
Oh, the horror! I can't look!
31
00:05:02,745 --> 00:05:05,581
"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism..."
32
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,208
"...and death east of Suez."
33
00:05:07,917 --> 00:05:12,338
"But I am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"
34
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,008
The Prime Minister had, as you all know,
35
00:05:16,091 --> 00:05:20,095
...just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference...
36
00:05:20,596 --> 00:05:24,934
...and was greeted on
the steps of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.
37
00:05:25,935 --> 00:05:28,437
The Chairman has invited me kindly in.
38
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,272
I can't say very much at the moment,
39
00:05:30,356 --> 00:05:33,859
...but there will be some pretty hard
bargaining, you may be sure.
40
00:05:33,943 --> 00:05:37,112
That's all.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, thank you.
41
00:05:39,031 --> 00:05:41,200
Ah, Lord Fortnum. BBC Television.
42
00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:43,118
Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,
43
00:05:43,244 --> 00:05:45,079
...I like your hat, I do.
44
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,789
Do you? Do you say that?
45
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,792
I tell you, it's the
latest early warning hat.
46
00:05:49,875 --> 00:05:52,044
It gives you that extra
four minutes in bed.
47
00:05:52,127 --> 00:05:55,130
I never wore a hat in bed, I've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,
48
00:05:55,214 --> 00:05:57,800
...and I wouldn't know where to begin.
Is this your car, sir?
49
00:05:57,883 --> 00:05:59,968
It is, I acquired it from Lord Snowdon.
50
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,471
- Not the Lord Snowdon?
- No, a Lord Snowdon.
51
00:06:02,554 --> 00:06:05,557
Ah, yes, the woods are full of them.
Goodbye, sir.
52
00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:10,646
Said that very well, didn't he?
53
00:06:14,817 --> 00:06:16,986
The Prime Minister...
54
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:18,654
The Prime Minister is coming out.
55
00:06:21,156 --> 00:06:23,492
- Prime Minister, can you say...
- Yes, I can say.
56
00:06:23,575 --> 00:06:25,619
I can say without any
fear of contradiction,
57
00:06:25,661 --> 00:06:29,081
...after some pretty tough
bargaining, I can say,
58
00:06:29,164 --> 00:06:33,502
...we have finally fixed the rent of
Number 10 at an undisclosed figure...
59
00:06:33,669 --> 00:06:38,007
...of 100 yen pounds per week.
60
00:06:38,507 --> 00:06:42,011
This lease means peace in our time.
61
00:06:48,434 --> 00:06:50,978
That, I'm afraid, was the end of the news.
62
00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:54,690
Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,
63
00:06:54,773 --> 00:06:58,110
...when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope...
64
00:06:58,193 --> 00:07:00,112
...for the Sportsman of the Year title.
65
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:05,200
Until then, all walk backwards
into long shot while good night is given.
66
00:07:11,373 --> 00:07:14,877
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
67
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,047
♪ Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
68
00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:20,507
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
69
00:07:20,549 --> 00:07:24,386
♪ Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone ♪
70
00:07:25,387 --> 00:07:26,680
Good night.
71
00:07:26,889 --> 00:07:28,891
Here! Here!
72
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,852
Come out of that television set.
It's our turn for the telly news.
73
00:07:31,894 --> 00:07:34,104
- Oh, is it?
- Are you the District Visiting Announcer?
74
00:07:34,229 --> 00:07:35,689
Yes, that's right. Have you any requests?
75
00:07:35,731 --> 00:07:37,399
Can you do the fall of Singapore?
76
00:07:37,441 --> 00:07:39,068
Oh, yes, certainly.
77
00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:42,279
Tonight, Japanese invasion forces
reached Singapore.
78
00:07:42,654 --> 00:07:43,864
Oh, dear!
79
00:07:43,906 --> 00:07:46,033
- Ah!
- I didn't quite catch the name.
80
00:07:46,075 --> 00:07:47,242
Are you a doctor, Doctor?
81
00:07:47,368 --> 00:07:50,079
- I advertise.
- No boots. I don't wear them.
82
00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:51,580
And I don't travel in them.
83
00:07:51,622 --> 00:07:53,582
Don't be sharp with me, young man.
84
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,917
My card.
85
00:07:55,376 --> 00:07:57,086
"Kennington and District Steam Laundry."
86
00:07:57,127 --> 00:07:58,462
Oh, I am pleased to meet you.
87
00:07:58,587 --> 00:08:01,090
Oh, no, that's not me.
I've let the space for advertising.
88
00:08:01,256 --> 00:08:03,759
I am other side, Lord Fortnum of Alamein,
89
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:05,761
...I acquired the title from
a soldier person...
90
00:08:05,803 --> 00:08:07,429
...who found himself on hard times.
91
00:08:07,471 --> 00:08:09,139
With psychiatry or army surplus?
92
00:08:09,264 --> 00:08:10,724
I think he had to do with all of that.
93
00:08:10,766 --> 00:08:12,976
And table lamps were negotiable.
We all got one.
94
00:08:13,268 --> 00:08:14,770
I don't require surgery.
95
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,314
I shall decide that, Lord Fortnum.
96
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:21,151
Now, do you want
it privately or on the National Health?
97
00:08:21,276 --> 00:08:22,403
- Yes.
- What?
98
00:08:22,444 --> 00:08:24,780
Yes, I want it privately,
on the National Health.
99
00:08:42,131 --> 00:08:44,258
Ah! You're home early tonight, Father.
100
00:08:44,842 --> 00:08:47,428
- The last bar on the Circle Line.
- Oh!
101
00:08:47,469 --> 00:08:49,138
I think I'll have a smoke.
102
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:51,098
One of these days, you'll not come back.
103
00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:53,851
Be brought back
by the health visitor, smoking.
104
00:08:54,476 --> 00:08:55,811
You know, and yet you persist,
105
00:08:55,853 --> 00:08:58,772
...you know that I don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.
106
00:08:58,814 --> 00:09:01,483
She doesn't get enough exercise
on the whole.
107
00:09:01,525 --> 00:09:04,528
After all, it's been...
How long's it been?
108
00:09:05,654 --> 00:09:07,281
It's been since... Dear?
109
00:09:07,322 --> 00:09:10,534
That, since the... Since, well...
110
00:09:11,326 --> 00:09:14,663
Still, we've managed very well.
111
00:09:18,041 --> 00:09:19,834
I expect it's the choccy bars.
112
00:09:21,295 --> 00:09:23,130
I like my women chubby built.
113
00:09:23,505 --> 00:09:26,133
I think she smokes
to try to keep her weight down.
114
00:09:26,717 --> 00:09:30,512
Oh, I wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line...
115
00:09:30,846 --> 00:09:32,681
...she could perhaps smoke with.
116
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:36,518
It'll be a damn fast habit, Mother.
Oh, she's always at it.
117
00:09:37,519 --> 00:09:39,021
Ah, Well...
118
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,385
Now, look here,
there's a limit to what I'll do, you know.
119
00:10:10,511 --> 00:10:12,513
Is there? Well, let's go as
far as that, then, shall we?
120
00:10:12,554 --> 00:10:15,390
Yes. Huh! Well, it's not unpleasant
121
00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:17,559
- when one gets used to it.
- Yes.
122
00:10:18,060 --> 00:10:19,895
Well, you know,
123
00:10:20,562 --> 00:10:22,064
...you've been a bit off colour.
124
00:10:22,231 --> 00:10:24,191
Yes, I have.
And what's more I'm not eating anything.
125
00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:25,993
- Why is that?
- Well, I can't get the stuff.
126
00:10:26,068 --> 00:10:28,237
Ah, but look, I had this mounted,
this very morning.
127
00:10:28,487 --> 00:10:29,822
Eighteen carat Hovis.
128
00:10:30,072 --> 00:10:31,740
Well, tell me about it, more.
129
00:10:31,823 --> 00:10:33,742
Well, things were going swimmingly
until that...
130
00:10:33,784 --> 00:10:36,787
Well, until they dropped the,
well now, you know...
131
00:10:36,912 --> 00:10:39,248
- Oh, the old...
- That's the fellow.
132
00:10:39,331 --> 00:10:40,749
Yes. Did the noise keep you awake?
133
00:10:40,791 --> 00:10:44,461
Oh, no, I slept through it all right. Yes.
In fact, when I was in England, still Abed,
134
00:10:44,586 --> 00:10:46,867
...albeit in a club chair,
the Third World War took place.
135
00:10:48,173 --> 00:10:50,092
I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
136
00:10:50,175 --> 00:10:52,177
Neither did I. I was standing by,
137
00:10:52,261 --> 00:10:53,929
...ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.
138
00:10:54,012 --> 00:10:56,139
- Mmm.
- And I couldn't find them.
139
00:10:56,265 --> 00:10:57,766
Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
140
00:10:57,849 --> 00:11:01,019
I haven't the least idea.
I thought, Doctor,
141
00:11:01,103 --> 00:11:05,774
...I thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.
142
00:11:05,857 --> 00:11:07,609
Ah, yes. Well...
143
00:11:08,026 --> 00:11:12,823
Take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
144
00:11:12,948 --> 00:11:14,589
You can get it made up at any restaurant.
145
00:11:14,616 --> 00:11:16,118
Oh, good! I'll have it made up in Boots.
146
00:11:16,201 --> 00:11:17,452
It's more hygienic in bottles.
147
00:11:17,536 --> 00:11:20,831
Yes, yes, yes, but will it cure me, huh?
148
00:11:20,956 --> 00:11:23,292
My first impulse is to cut and run.
149
00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:26,295
Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,
150
00:11:26,336 --> 00:11:30,215
...but Doctor, I, I...
I feel it is more.
151
00:11:31,341 --> 00:11:33,969
Lord Fortnum,
we must have a thorough look at you.
152
00:11:34,011 --> 00:11:35,137
Uh, yes.
153
00:11:35,178 --> 00:11:36,805
- Would you sit down again, please?
- Yes, yes, yes.
154
00:11:36,888 --> 00:11:38,890
Inside and out. Feet up, please.
155
00:11:40,892 --> 00:11:43,312
Oh, your skin is very white.
156
00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:44,646
My parents were white.
157
00:11:44,688 --> 00:11:49,026
Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um...
158
00:11:50,694 --> 00:11:55,365
That's the fellow.
I've had terrible morbid fears.
159
00:11:55,699 --> 00:11:59,369
I think I may turn into a bed sitting room.
160
00:12:02,414 --> 00:12:07,002
Ah! Ah, that's probably atomic mutation.
161
00:12:07,085 --> 00:12:09,206
- There's a lot of it about.
- What can I take for it?
162
00:12:09,838 --> 00:12:11,340
- Three guineas?
- What?
163
00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:13,091
Take three guineas, for your rent?
164
00:12:13,175 --> 00:12:18,764
Rent! I don't want rent, I want to
be cured, I demand a second opinion.
165
00:12:18,847 --> 00:12:20,647
Yes, well, that is your
privilege, of course.
166
00:12:20,682 --> 00:12:24,853
But I can tell you that
there's no evidence of dry rot or woodworm,
167
00:12:24,936 --> 00:12:28,940
...but keep well wrapped up
and try and keep out of overdrafts.
168
00:12:35,739 --> 00:12:39,368
She gets later and later every night,
and sometimes morning.
169
00:12:39,451 --> 00:12:41,370
Well, perhaps she's had more than one.
170
00:12:41,411 --> 00:12:43,538
She's had time for half
a dozen, if you ask me.
171
00:12:45,374 --> 00:12:46,541
I'm going to get her.
172
00:12:46,583 --> 00:12:48,710
Oh, Father, don't leave me at night.
173
00:12:48,794 --> 00:12:50,546
It is bleedin' night, isn't it?
174
00:14:39,988 --> 00:14:41,490
God, what's this?
175
00:14:44,826 --> 00:14:46,453
A likely story!
176
00:14:47,829 --> 00:14:49,956
Those are not my daughter's little hairs.
177
00:14:51,249 --> 00:14:52,542
Out you come.
178
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:00,717
There's a simple explanation, sir.
179
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:03,178
Yes. And I'm going to give it to you.
180
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:13,855
Ah! What class of person are you?
I am top drawer, to put it mildly.
181
00:15:13,939 --> 00:15:19,110
You, I expect, are from the guttering.
But I don't believe it, about my turning,
182
00:15:19,194 --> 00:15:20,237
...no.
183
00:15:34,876 --> 00:15:36,586
Well, what can I say?
184
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,713
- Say?
- Say sorry.
185
00:15:39,089 --> 00:15:40,340
Sorry?
186
00:15:41,550 --> 00:15:42,759
Sorry.
187
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:45,220
That's not nearly enough enough,
under the circumstances.
188
00:15:45,929 --> 00:15:49,391
Actually, sir, I'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.
189
00:15:49,474 --> 00:15:51,226
- That's nice.
- Forwards and backwards.
190
00:15:51,309 --> 00:15:52,894
How dare you!
191
00:15:52,978 --> 00:15:56,064
- Does it get boring?
- How really dare you say such things?
192
00:15:57,065 --> 00:15:58,400
And do them!
193
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:03,071
Well, I'd be interested in joining your party,
I'm sure you can use another pair of hands.
194
00:16:03,154 --> 00:16:05,156
You keep your filthy commuter hands
to yourself.
195
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,576
Down the seams of your trousers,
where I can see them.
196
00:16:09,578 --> 00:16:11,329
She'll need a nurse.
197
00:16:36,104 --> 00:16:40,317
Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?
198
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,943
Want, want?
199
00:16:42,027 --> 00:16:45,027
Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?
200
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:46,823
You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.
201
00:16:46,907 --> 00:16:47,991
Do you want a potty?
202
00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:50,535
I want no such thing. I want an opinion.
203
00:16:51,786 --> 00:16:53,830
Well, in my opinion...
204
00:16:53,955 --> 00:16:56,791
In my opinion, you need re-pointing.
205
00:16:56,875 --> 00:16:58,627
But that's only putting off the evil hour.
206
00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:03,882
What you really need, you see,
is a full-scale conversion to maisonette.
207
00:17:04,674 --> 00:17:06,343
- It's true, then?
- Oh, I expect it is.
208
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:09,679
Still, try not to worry, love.
It's a simple op.
209
00:17:10,513 --> 00:17:12,599
And the Council
will give you a grant for your bathroom.
210
00:17:12,682 --> 00:17:15,185
You don't realise, do you,
I don't want a bathroom.
211
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:19,564
Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.
212
00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:30,367
My God, I've dropped a brick!
213
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,002
Come along, Mother.
214
00:17:41,086 --> 00:17:42,963
Must we go, Dad?
215
00:17:43,713 --> 00:17:45,465
I felt safe in there.
216
00:17:46,216 --> 00:17:48,510
Nothing to worry about.
217
00:17:59,229 --> 00:18:00,313
Where are we going?
218
00:18:00,397 --> 00:18:02,732
I say that. I'm the
leader of the new world.
219
00:18:02,816 --> 00:18:04,609
Where we're going,
up is where we're going, young man.
220
00:18:04,693 --> 00:18:06,653
And don't you forget it.
221
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:12,617
I say, sir, you can't do that.
That's public property.
222
00:18:12,701 --> 00:18:14,995
That's all right. I am a
member of the public.
223
00:18:16,454 --> 00:18:17,956
Public member.
224
00:18:22,085 --> 00:18:25,380
At last! At last they've
come to collect me.
225
00:18:29,467 --> 00:18:31,511
- How long have you been...?
- Three years.
226
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:32,887
Three years?
227
00:18:32,971 --> 00:18:34,639
Collect me, collect me.
228
00:18:34,723 --> 00:18:37,350
I've been here dead
since imminent warning red.
229
00:18:37,434 --> 00:18:39,436
I'm afraid there's far too much to pay.
230
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,688
My friend will pay. If you can find him.
231
00:18:41,771 --> 00:18:43,773
There are no friends left.
232
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,110
Roger, is this your trunk?
233
00:18:47,485 --> 00:18:49,946
Me? My name's not Roger, it's Alan.
234
00:18:50,655 --> 00:18:52,282
Roger's name is not on the lid.
235
00:18:53,408 --> 00:18:55,118
It'll cost you 25 shillings.
236
00:18:56,286 --> 00:18:58,121
Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any money, sir.
237
00:18:58,955 --> 00:19:00,790
I shall lend you some.
238
00:19:04,961 --> 00:19:07,297
Take something useful.
239
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,968
Help me on.
240
00:19:16,931 --> 00:19:19,350
Oh! This is nice and warm.
241
00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:25,106
Oh, dear me!
242
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,568
I'm afraid I'm three shillings short, sir,
I shall have to owe it to you.
243
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,166
Come along.
244
00:19:47,837 --> 00:19:49,380
What are you doing with that trunk?
245
00:19:49,464 --> 00:19:51,674
What? We've got to have luggage, girl.
246
00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:53,551
Can't be arrested as vagrants.
247
00:19:54,052 --> 00:19:55,136
Go on.
248
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:57,430
You've got the tickets, dear.
249
00:20:15,573 --> 00:20:16,991
I hear a rumor, sir,
250
00:20:17,117 --> 00:20:19,661
the Pope's now
allowing contraceptives for all occasions.
251
00:20:20,662 --> 00:20:22,664
Except during sexual intercourse.
252
00:20:22,747 --> 00:20:23,998
You'd better get your hair cut.
253
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:27,919
That's enough of that talk.
Keep talk out of it!
254
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,022
You all right?
255
00:21:28,396 --> 00:21:30,815
Look here, look here.
Can't you get more horsepower?
256
00:21:30,899 --> 00:21:35,028
Keep moving. Keep moving, sir.
You're safer on the move.
257
00:21:36,654 --> 00:21:37,864
What?
258
00:21:38,656 --> 00:21:42,535
I shan't, I shall not
keep asking you to keep moving, sir.
259
00:21:42,577 --> 00:21:46,915
You will not? You'll do your duty, young
man. I wish to speak to your superior,
260
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,918
...I expect to turn
into a bed sitting room very shortly.
261
00:21:50,919 --> 00:21:53,087
I think you'd better speak to me, sir.
262
00:21:53,213 --> 00:21:56,049
In which particular,
I shall be obliged to stop somewhere,
263
00:21:56,090 --> 00:21:57,258
...preferably a street.
264
00:21:57,342 --> 00:21:58,426
You can't stop here, sir.
265
00:21:58,551 --> 00:21:59,886
Oh, well, where can I stop?
266
00:21:59,928 --> 00:22:02,096
You can't stop anywhere, sir,
as you very well know.
267
00:22:02,222 --> 00:22:04,022
We don't want to stay
in one place long enough...
268
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:06,559
...for the enemy to have
another chance at us, do we, sir?
269
00:22:06,601 --> 00:22:09,103
Not until our pre-emptive
strike is launched, do we, sir?
270
00:22:09,604 --> 00:22:10,688
Do we, sir?
271
00:22:10,772 --> 00:22:13,858
Have we not struck back? Has England not?
272
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:18,112
We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.
273
00:22:18,238 --> 00:22:21,115
I expect we did, sir.
But these things take time.
274
00:22:21,616 --> 00:22:25,119
You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?
275
00:22:25,245 --> 00:22:27,288
Oh, my God! Sorry, sir.
276
00:22:27,413 --> 00:22:31,960
Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until I'd turned into a bed sitting room.
277
00:22:32,085 --> 00:22:33,294
And you are not that?
278
00:22:33,378 --> 00:22:34,796
Not yet fully, damn you, man!
279
00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:37,382
Do I, do I... Do I look
like a bed sitting room?
280
00:22:37,548 --> 00:22:39,133
It's not for me to say, sir.
281
00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:40,969
But should you stop,
you're liable to be knocked down...
282
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:42,220
...without the option.
283
00:22:42,303 --> 00:22:43,972
Well, I...
284
00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:46,641
I don't want to turn
into a bed sitting room.
285
00:22:46,766 --> 00:22:48,476
I don't.
286
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,396
You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.
287
00:22:51,479 --> 00:22:55,817
I mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey,
a place where the takings are considerable,
288
00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:57,819
...but a bedsitter!
289
00:22:58,486 --> 00:23:01,489
Three pounds ten a week. Never!
290
00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,157
Carry on, Sergeant.
291
00:23:03,241 --> 00:23:05,827
Excuse me.
292
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,168
Do you hear the frog?
293
00:23:20,174 --> 00:23:21,342
Here's a turkey.
294
00:23:25,388 --> 00:23:27,849
In every way,
I'm getting better and better.
295
00:23:27,890 --> 00:23:29,142
Every day, in every...
296
00:23:33,354 --> 00:23:35,356
- Hello, hello?
- Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?
297
00:23:35,398 --> 00:23:36,899
No. I've still got it in me hand.
298
00:23:37,025 --> 00:23:38,359
Hello, hello. Have they dropped it?
299
00:23:38,401 --> 00:23:39,861
- Hello, up there.
- It's coming from...
300
00:23:39,902 --> 00:23:41,571
Hello, hello!
301
00:23:41,696 --> 00:23:42,739
Hello, hello!
302
00:23:42,864 --> 00:23:44,907
You stupid...
303
00:23:45,033 --> 00:23:48,202
Hello. I can hear you down here.
Can you hear me up there?
304
00:23:48,911 --> 00:23:50,872
Every day, in every way,
I'm getting better and better.
305
00:23:50,997 --> 00:23:52,707
Every day and every...
306
00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:07,221
She's got big busts, hasn't she?
For a girl her age, hmm?
307
00:24:07,347 --> 00:24:08,890
- What?
- Yeah, what?
308
00:24:08,931 --> 00:24:11,392
That left bust, especially seems to,
309
00:24:11,434 --> 00:24:13,186
...the nipple seems
to stand out more on that one.
310
00:24:13,227 --> 00:24:14,354
Yes.
311
00:24:14,395 --> 00:24:17,231
Mmm. Father's very observant.
He was in the Corps.
312
00:24:17,357 --> 00:24:19,317
I wish he wouldn't
talk about me in front of Alan.
313
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,569
He doesn't want to know about my busts.
314
00:24:21,611 --> 00:24:22,779
No, I do, I do.
315
00:24:22,904 --> 00:24:24,781
Shall we stop here for tea?
316
00:24:24,906 --> 00:24:27,033
I hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?
317
00:24:27,075 --> 00:24:28,284
- No, not a bit of it.
- Good.
318
00:24:28,409 --> 00:24:32,080
Well, I expect you'd like a little dance
now. To relax you, the both of you.
319
00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:51,140
I'm glad it's all over. The, um...
320
00:24:52,392 --> 00:24:54,477
Do you know, Mother, so am I.
321
00:24:55,144 --> 00:24:56,771
Just like I was glad when I married you.
322
00:24:57,980 --> 00:24:59,232
Got it all over.
323
00:24:59,273 --> 00:25:03,403
If I'd known the end was such a relief.
If only I...
324
00:25:03,444 --> 00:25:05,988
I used to say,
"For Christ's sake, drop it," didn't I?
325
00:25:06,114 --> 00:25:08,241
Only when you were very tired.
326
00:25:12,161 --> 00:25:13,955
He's not a bad lad.
327
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,623
Now, there you are, what did I say?
328
00:25:15,665 --> 00:25:18,126
- Did you hear what I said, lad?
- He said you were not a bad lad.
329
00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:19,293
There!
330
00:25:19,335 --> 00:25:20,461
Oh, thank you.
331
00:25:20,586 --> 00:25:22,672
- One of the family now.
- There.
332
00:25:22,797 --> 00:25:25,466
I want you to treat me
just as if I was your father.
333
00:25:27,635 --> 00:25:29,470
I hated my father!
334
00:25:29,512 --> 00:25:31,806
No. Right. Ahhh!
335
00:25:32,348 --> 00:25:35,069
Well, haven't you got a favourite uncle
you were fond of, young Alan?
336
00:25:36,185 --> 00:25:37,353
Yes.
337
00:25:37,854 --> 00:25:39,814
Well, treat me like him, then.
338
00:25:43,443 --> 00:25:46,279
Uncle, can I have
sixpence for sweeties, please?
339
00:25:48,281 --> 00:25:49,449
Of course you may.
340
00:25:50,450 --> 00:25:52,326
What a good, polite boy you are!
341
00:25:58,374 --> 00:26:00,543
Radiation's rising.
342
00:26:01,127 --> 00:26:03,045
Still, one mustn't grumble too much.
343
00:26:07,675 --> 00:26:10,178
- Hello?
- Hello, have they dropped it yet?
344
00:26:10,303 --> 00:26:12,013
- Hey?
- Hello?
345
00:26:12,138 --> 00:26:14,182
- What?
- Have they dropped it yet, boy?
346
00:26:14,223 --> 00:26:16,100
- Where are you?
- In by here.
347
00:26:17,226 --> 00:26:19,020
- Hmm?
- In by here.
348
00:26:23,232 --> 00:26:26,402
I'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.
349
00:26:26,527 --> 00:26:28,571
I'll soon have you seated and governed.
350
00:26:30,406 --> 00:26:32,450
Fancy seeing you down here.
351
00:26:32,533 --> 00:26:34,368
- Who are you?
- First of all,
352
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:36,454
...have they dropped it yet, indeed?
353
00:26:36,537 --> 00:26:37,622
Have they dropped what?
354
00:26:37,705 --> 00:26:42,418
You know, the... You're bound to know.
You're up there, weren't you?
355
00:26:46,047 --> 00:26:49,884
Still, towards the end it got all
mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.
356
00:26:49,967 --> 00:26:53,387
There's a fellow for you, LBJ.
I was proud to regionally serve him.
357
00:26:53,429 --> 00:26:56,766
Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.
358
00:26:57,934 --> 00:26:59,769
Harrods laid all this on, you know.
Harrods!
359
00:26:59,894 --> 00:27:01,938
- They're very good at that.
- Yes.
360
00:27:02,230 --> 00:27:04,941
I expect I talk too much. Don't listen.
I don't listen.
361
00:27:05,316 --> 00:27:07,401
Thank God I've kept my head,
when all about are...
362
00:27:08,569 --> 00:27:09,820
Have they?
363
00:27:10,947 --> 00:27:12,323
Some good people have gone, you know.
364
00:27:12,406 --> 00:27:14,325
- Oh, yes.
- I shot two myself.
365
00:27:14,408 --> 00:27:18,329
I had to. They came at me. They tried
to get in with the man from Harrods.
366
00:27:18,412 --> 00:27:20,289
In gas masks, they were, trying to get in.
367
00:27:20,414 --> 00:27:23,292
So I shot them. I said, "Take those
gas masks off your face," I said.
368
00:27:23,417 --> 00:27:25,920
I had to. They might have been some
of my directors, you see.
369
00:27:26,003 --> 00:27:27,171
Who? Who did you shoot?
370
00:27:27,255 --> 00:27:29,090
My mother and my wife. Shot them dead.
371
00:27:29,131 --> 00:27:31,092
- Oh.
- Of course, I married again.
372
00:27:32,426 --> 00:27:33,678
Don't mind me, I talk too much.
373
00:27:34,929 --> 00:27:36,764
- Doris. Doris.
- Hmm?
374
00:27:37,139 --> 00:27:39,475
I'm very much in love.
Of course, it led to marriage.
375
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,519
She doesn't seem to mind.
376
00:27:42,270 --> 00:27:43,479
Are you hungry?
377
00:27:43,604 --> 00:27:45,356
- No.
- That's a damn lie!
378
00:27:45,940 --> 00:27:47,984
Don't you shout at me,
I'm a medical practitioner.
379
00:27:48,317 --> 00:27:50,361
Hey!
380
00:27:50,945 --> 00:27:52,989
I have the proof. The terrible proof.
381
00:27:53,114 --> 00:27:54,323
There!
382
00:27:54,448 --> 00:27:57,118
Fresh evidence has
come to life as to who is responsible.
383
00:27:57,702 --> 00:27:59,203
Will you have a bite with us?
384
00:27:59,287 --> 00:28:01,956
I Will, I will, I will. In that order.
385
00:28:10,673 --> 00:28:12,049
Mmm.
386
00:28:12,133 --> 00:28:13,175
Where are we?
387
00:28:13,301 --> 00:28:15,011
Are you all forgotten?
388
00:28:15,136 --> 00:28:16,178
Paddington.
389
00:28:17,847 --> 00:28:19,640
Don't you know your London?
390
00:28:22,310 --> 00:28:23,352
Shall I carve?
391
00:28:41,912 --> 00:28:43,497
It's family life that's important.
392
00:28:44,332 --> 00:28:46,083
Do you have a family, young man?
393
00:28:46,167 --> 00:28:48,878
No. My big brother did.
394
00:28:49,003 --> 00:28:50,880
Didn't you have a Daddy and a Mummy, then?
395
00:28:51,005 --> 00:28:52,340
No. My brother had them.
396
00:28:53,382 --> 00:28:56,510
That's a bit unfair.
You could've had one each.
397
00:29:02,350 --> 00:29:06,437
I'm sorry to have to rest, Dad,
but my legs feel like lumps of wood.
398
00:29:44,558 --> 00:29:47,103
Well, thank goodness
I caught you on your rounds, Doctor.
399
00:29:47,186 --> 00:29:48,979
What are you going to do for me? What?
400
00:29:57,446 --> 00:29:59,865
Take, um,
401
00:30:00,533 --> 00:30:03,494
...six of these pills. One every half mile.
402
00:30:03,911 --> 00:30:06,706
Oh, but I can't do that,
I only live a mile away.
403
00:30:06,789 --> 00:30:08,374
This is Hyde Park, isn't it?
404
00:30:08,457 --> 00:30:10,668
Yes. Well, then you'll
have to move further out, I'm afraid.
405
00:30:10,751 --> 00:30:13,921
No. I'll tell you what,
I'll take the long road home.
406
00:30:14,004 --> 00:30:15,798
That's the ticket. Splendid!
407
00:30:16,173 --> 00:30:17,800
I don't know what to say to you, Doctor.
408
00:30:17,883 --> 00:30:19,468
Say, "Doctor, how much will that be?"
409
00:30:19,552 --> 00:30:21,137
Doctor, how much will that be?
410
00:30:21,220 --> 00:30:22,471
That'll be 18 post-war guineas,
411
00:30:22,555 --> 00:30:24,875
...marked down to three and six
in the last bargain budget.
412
00:30:31,230 --> 00:30:32,982
Oi, here!
413
00:30:33,065 --> 00:30:34,775
Will you excuse me?
414
00:30:37,987 --> 00:30:40,656
Are you Captain Bules Martin?
415
00:30:40,740 --> 00:30:41,949
Yes.
416
00:30:42,658 --> 00:30:45,327
Just sign there, sir, on that line.
Here we are.
417
00:30:46,162 --> 00:30:47,246
Thank you.
418
00:30:47,329 --> 00:30:50,374
- Ah! Luncheon.
- Ah, would you care to join me?
419
00:30:50,458 --> 00:30:52,042
Yes, certainly, certainly.
420
00:30:54,211 --> 00:30:56,172
If this is Regent's Park, then...
421
00:30:57,381 --> 00:30:59,133
...Marble Arch must lie to the south.
422
00:31:00,259 --> 00:31:01,802
Dad!
423
00:31:08,684 --> 00:31:11,520
What I have here, sir,
is your wife's death certificate.
424
00:31:11,604 --> 00:31:13,773
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, dear!
425
00:31:15,316 --> 00:31:19,028
There! Well, it was a lovely way to go.
426
00:31:19,487 --> 00:31:20,696
But Mummy's alive!
427
00:31:20,780 --> 00:31:22,490
I'm afraid not, dear.
428
00:31:25,451 --> 00:31:27,536
It makes me feel all funny to read it.
429
00:31:28,829 --> 00:31:29,914
No!
430
00:31:29,997 --> 00:31:31,540
No! Tell them no, Alan.
431
00:31:31,624 --> 00:31:33,000
- No!
- Pull yourself together!
432
00:31:33,083 --> 00:31:34,794
I am together. We are!
433
00:31:34,877 --> 00:31:37,880
I want you to call me Arthur
and come to me for every little plaster.
434
00:31:38,088 --> 00:31:39,590
But Mum's alive!
435
00:31:39,673 --> 00:31:42,760
Well, I thought I was, dear.
By rights, I should be,
436
00:31:42,843 --> 00:31:45,805
...but how can you tell if
it's here in black and white?
437
00:31:45,888 --> 00:31:47,431
Give it to me.
438
00:31:47,515 --> 00:31:50,601
I shouldn't, should I, Dad?
It'll only upset her to read it.
439
00:31:51,602 --> 00:31:55,898
Give it to me, dear. I'll put it
somewhere safe with all the others.
440
00:31:56,857 --> 00:31:58,442
With the health cards.
441
00:31:59,276 --> 00:32:01,445
Look, Mrs Frereton,
there is nothing wrong with you.
442
00:32:01,529 --> 00:32:03,864
Now then, you're a nice, kind boy.
443
00:32:03,948 --> 00:32:06,867
It's your wife being alive that
seems to be all the trouble, sir.
444
00:32:08,244 --> 00:32:09,453
- I'm sorry.
- Ah.
445
00:32:09,537 --> 00:32:11,705
Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't want to cause any trouble.
446
00:32:11,789 --> 00:32:13,123
Oh, now listen, Mum...
447
00:32:13,207 --> 00:32:14,333
Penny!
448
00:32:14,416 --> 00:32:15,668
Don't argue with the nurse, dear.
449
00:32:15,751 --> 00:32:18,546
She's bound to know best,
what's best for us.
450
00:32:19,922 --> 00:32:22,132
Do I lie down or anything?
451
00:32:23,300 --> 00:32:25,553
The way, the way
I'd like you to look at it is this.
452
00:32:26,262 --> 00:32:30,474
You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.
453
00:32:30,558 --> 00:32:33,978
I expect you've got the set now,
if you haven't been careless with them.
454
00:32:34,270 --> 00:32:36,605
I do hope we haven't been careless
with our papers,
455
00:32:36,689 --> 00:32:38,274
...birth, marriage, death...
456
00:32:38,357 --> 00:32:39,817
And school.
457
00:32:40,276 --> 00:32:41,986
Mum got her school.
458
00:32:44,321 --> 00:32:48,158
Father, can you let me see them all
before you send them off?
459
00:32:49,076 --> 00:32:53,080
I would just like to, to
hold them all together,
460
00:32:53,163 --> 00:32:54,790
...look through them.
461
00:33:02,673 --> 00:33:04,008
Not much, is it?
462
00:33:05,134 --> 00:33:06,677
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
463
00:33:07,011 --> 00:33:11,181
And we've all been so much
happier since that...
464
00:33:16,020 --> 00:33:19,481
Oh, well, at least I can
still keep cheerful.
465
00:33:20,524 --> 00:33:22,067
That's the style, Mum.
466
00:33:22,985 --> 00:33:24,862
That's the hammer.
467
00:33:26,030 --> 00:33:28,032
Forward.
468
00:33:36,874 --> 00:33:38,042
Hello!
469
00:33:39,084 --> 00:33:40,961
My dear God, gas metres!
470
00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:46,342
I can hear them shilling in the slot.
Gas metres on a lord's legs.
471
00:33:47,301 --> 00:33:51,305
Belgravia! I must find
Belgravia before I turn.
472
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:55,392
For all I know,
I may even now be in the provinces.
473
00:33:55,476 --> 00:34:01,398
Will someone kindly set me on the right
road to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!
474
00:34:02,149 --> 00:34:05,903
My freehold for a guide!
475
00:34:07,988 --> 00:34:11,533
Ah, what a lovely evening.
Splendid meal.
476
00:34:11,784 --> 00:34:13,786
Yes,
care for an after-dinner drink?
477
00:34:13,869 --> 00:34:15,746
Well, thank you very much, yes.
478
00:34:27,424 --> 00:34:29,093
No. Here, let me have a try.
479
00:34:39,353 --> 00:34:40,479
Cheers!
480
00:34:43,941 --> 00:34:45,461
What were you doing before this, then?
481
00:34:45,526 --> 00:34:47,903
I was in the army, actually.
I'm a Captain.
482
00:34:47,987 --> 00:34:50,114
Oh, I say! What regiment?
483
00:34:50,197 --> 00:34:52,533
Oh, we didn't know,
due to the Official Secrets Act.
484
00:34:52,616 --> 00:34:57,329
But from what I can make of my cap badge,
it was the Household Cavalry.
485
00:34:57,413 --> 00:34:58,789
Did you have to be a householder?
486
00:34:58,872 --> 00:35:02,251
Oh, good lord, no, no!
No. It did help for a commission.
487
00:35:02,334 --> 00:35:03,460
No, the household that
we're referring to...
488
00:35:03,544 --> 00:35:06,005
...is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.
489
00:35:06,088 --> 00:35:08,924
Did you? They're splendid!
490
00:35:09,008 --> 00:35:12,094
All destroyed,
of course, when they dropped the...
491
00:35:12,594 --> 00:35:13,679
Oh!
492
00:35:13,762 --> 00:35:15,514
♪ God save our gracious Queen ♪
493
00:35:15,597 --> 00:35:17,391
♪ Long live our noble Queen ♪
494
00:35:17,474 --> 00:35:19,059
♪ God save our Queen... ♪
495
00:35:19,143 --> 00:35:22,146
No, no, no! We don't sing that any longer.
496
00:35:22,229 --> 00:35:23,647
- You don't?
- No, we sing now that...
497
00:35:23,731 --> 00:35:27,484
...God should save Mrs Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.
498
00:35:27,568 --> 00:35:28,652
Oh.
499
00:35:28,736 --> 00:35:31,488
Of the twenty people
who are known to be left alive in England,
500
00:35:31,572 --> 00:35:33,572
...she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.
501
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:36,243
I say!
502
00:35:36,326 --> 00:35:40,330
You're lucky to be still connected, huh?
Bit of luck to have the phone.
503
00:35:40,414 --> 00:35:44,626
I've only got the bells, boy.
Drive me mad, they do, they drive me mad!
504
00:35:44,710 --> 00:35:45,794
Aye.
505
00:35:45,878 --> 00:35:48,005
Hey, is that the authorities?
506
00:35:48,088 --> 00:35:50,257
Hey! Hey! Keep moving!
507
00:35:50,340 --> 00:35:53,010
No building whatever! Keep moving!
508
00:35:53,552 --> 00:35:55,179
No building whatever!
Keep moving! Keep moving!
509
00:35:55,262 --> 00:35:57,222
I have the proof! I have the proof!
510
00:35:57,723 --> 00:36:00,059
Look! The proof of germ warfare, boy.
511
00:36:01,727 --> 00:36:04,521
They dip the weapons in germs, you see.
They dip the weapons in the germs.
512
00:36:04,605 --> 00:36:06,023
And then if they survive the, you know...
513
00:36:06,106 --> 00:36:09,526
If you survive that, you see,
you go down with the measles.
514
00:36:10,736 --> 00:36:12,654
Uh, excuse me, madam.
515
00:36:12,738 --> 00:36:15,324
Uh, which one
of you ordered a business telephone?
516
00:36:15,407 --> 00:36:16,450
- Both of me.
- Huh?
517
00:36:16,533 --> 00:36:19,703
At last, at last, I shall convince
the world with my documentary voice!
518
00:36:19,787 --> 00:36:20,913
No, this is a...
519
00:36:20,996 --> 00:36:23,373
Hello, folks of world!
Hello, hello, folks of world!
520
00:36:23,457 --> 00:36:25,584
This is a... It's only
a demonstration model.
521
00:36:25,667 --> 00:36:27,544
But this is the type
you'll be getting, madam.
522
00:36:27,628 --> 00:36:29,546
Just let me have the borrowing of it,
will you, please?
523
00:36:29,630 --> 00:36:31,173
- The bells are driving me mad, you see.
- Don't worry, sir.
524
00:36:31,256 --> 00:36:33,092
Don't worry.
As soon as the telephone's installed,
525
00:36:33,175 --> 00:36:34,426
...we rip the bells out.
526
00:36:34,510 --> 00:36:36,053
Let me have it! Let me have it!
527
00:36:36,136 --> 00:36:37,262
Madam!
528
00:36:37,346 --> 00:36:38,889
Hello, hello, hello!
529
00:36:41,100 --> 00:36:42,518
It's for you.
530
00:36:42,601 --> 00:36:43,727
Oh.
531
00:36:44,436 --> 00:36:47,064
- Hello?
- Colour? I'll show you in bloody colour.
532
00:36:47,147 --> 00:36:49,399
- What's he talking about, chum?
- Colour!
533
00:36:49,483 --> 00:36:52,694
The dirty... sod! That's naughty.
534
00:36:52,778 --> 00:36:54,822
Bules Martin, Captain and Doctor.
535
00:36:56,323 --> 00:36:57,866
Oh, just a moment!
536
00:37:01,662 --> 00:37:05,374
Hello, darling.
What are you doing this evening?
537
00:37:06,583 --> 00:37:08,377
Oh, are you?
538
00:37:09,586 --> 00:37:11,630
Well, let me have a photograph of it,
won't you?
539
00:37:13,173 --> 00:37:14,925
Oh, give him my regards.
540
00:37:15,384 --> 00:37:17,678
Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.
541
00:37:18,178 --> 00:37:21,348
Ah, Gregory, have you seen my Nigel?
542
00:37:26,186 --> 00:37:30,482
Oh, it's getting late.
Time for my humiliation.
543
00:37:30,566 --> 00:37:32,818
Now, what have I done
with my defeat of England medal?
544
00:37:35,195 --> 00:37:38,615
Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I failed you.
545
00:37:38,699 --> 00:37:41,451
I tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,
546
00:37:41,535 --> 00:37:43,287
...but one of your corgis bit me.
547
00:37:47,833 --> 00:37:49,334
Come on, Sergeant, put your back into it.
548
00:37:49,418 --> 00:37:50,669
I've got my back into it, sir.
549
00:37:50,794 --> 00:37:52,462
Put your front into it, then!
550
00:37:52,546 --> 00:37:53,797
Put your front into it, Constable.
551
00:37:53,881 --> 00:37:56,258
Come on now, sir, keep moving.
552
00:37:56,341 --> 00:37:59,303
Hurry up! Don't stand there and watch us.
553
00:37:59,386 --> 00:38:03,599
We'll be moving, all right. Come on, lady.
She who hesitates is lost.
554
00:38:18,947 --> 00:38:20,991
My first wife died, you know.
555
00:38:21,074 --> 00:38:23,118
I'm sorry to hear that.
556
00:38:23,202 --> 00:38:25,078
I got my certificate the other day.
557
00:38:27,289 --> 00:38:29,791
You don't want an old woman like me.
558
00:38:41,511 --> 00:38:43,263
You remind me of my first wife.
559
00:38:43,347 --> 00:38:45,849
That's funny. You see,
I never met her, you see.
560
00:38:46,808 --> 00:38:50,020
Will you do for me what my first wife did?
561
00:38:50,103 --> 00:38:53,023
Doris tries, but she can't
coordinate, you see.
562
00:38:54,233 --> 00:38:55,692
Will you do it for me?
563
00:38:55,776 --> 00:39:01,406
Well, so long as we get it over quickly,
before Daddy misses me.
564
00:39:09,539 --> 00:39:11,208
Now, no, no, no!
565
00:39:11,291 --> 00:39:13,919
See reason, Mildred!
Mildred, you're worse than your mother!
566
00:39:13,961 --> 00:39:17,130
I didn't, Mildred, I haven't!
She's a common or garden secretary!
567
00:39:17,256 --> 00:39:19,299
Mildred, please! I love you!
568
00:39:19,383 --> 00:39:21,468
She means nothing to me at all! Mildred!
569
00:39:21,593 --> 00:39:24,096
I was kept late at the office.
Mildred, I love you!
570
00:39:24,137 --> 00:39:26,223
Mildred, please, no! The people next door!
571
00:39:26,306 --> 00:39:28,433
Mildred, please! Mildred, no! Mildred!
572
00:39:28,475 --> 00:39:30,435
Mildred! Mildred, Mildred!
573
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:31,770
Oh! Oh!
574
00:39:35,107 --> 00:39:38,485
Get out, you slut! Get
out and leave me alone!
575
00:39:41,238 --> 00:39:43,490
That was my best dinner service.
576
00:39:50,247 --> 00:39:52,791
Hello! Hello!
577
00:39:55,252 --> 00:39:57,004
Doctor!
578
00:39:57,087 --> 00:39:58,463
Hello!
579
00:40:15,647 --> 00:40:17,024
Call the roll, Alan.
580
00:40:19,484 --> 00:40:21,194
- Father figure!
- Present.
581
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,864
- Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
- Here.
582
00:40:24,031 --> 00:40:25,657
Alan! Here!
583
00:40:25,699 --> 00:40:27,326
Mother!
584
00:40:27,868 --> 00:40:29,369
Mummy?
585
00:40:29,494 --> 00:40:31,538
We're all here except one, Mother.
586
00:40:31,663 --> 00:40:33,707
That's all we ever had, one Mother.
587
00:40:33,790 --> 00:40:34,958
Mummy!
588
00:40:35,042 --> 00:40:36,293
All right.
589
00:40:37,377 --> 00:40:39,504
Now, when I say wave,
I want you all to wave.
590
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:41,048
Wave!
591
00:40:41,173 --> 00:40:42,883
- Hello.
- Hello, young Alan.
592
00:40:43,967 --> 00:40:45,969
- Hello, Penelope.
- Hello.
593
00:40:47,804 --> 00:40:49,014
Mummy!
594
00:40:49,056 --> 00:40:50,974
All right. That's enough.
595
00:40:51,058 --> 00:40:52,476
Mummy!
596
00:40:52,893 --> 00:40:54,478
I demand an explanation.
597
00:40:56,355 --> 00:40:59,024
Oh! Much worse than I thought.
598
00:40:59,483 --> 00:41:01,360
Oh! Mother!
599
00:41:02,694 --> 00:41:05,197
Don't worry, Mother, we'll look after you.
600
00:41:29,513 --> 00:41:32,891
One more stop, madam, and I shall
be forced to endorse your licence.
601
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,728
You wouldn't want us to
use our special powers, would you, madam?
602
00:41:37,187 --> 00:41:40,774
I can't move. My legs are stiff.
603
00:42:10,929 --> 00:42:12,472
- Hello?
- It is I.
604
00:42:13,140 --> 00:42:14,975
- Who?
- Lord Fortnum. I've changed.
605
00:42:15,058 --> 00:42:17,144
Lord Fortnum! And you've changed?
606
00:42:17,269 --> 00:42:18,395
Yes, I have.
607
00:42:18,478 --> 00:42:21,481
Well, keep moving, and where are you?
608
00:42:21,940 --> 00:42:23,900
I'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
609
00:42:23,984 --> 00:42:26,945
Hurry, for God's sake,
and bring me some furniture, I'm freezing.
610
00:42:26,987 --> 00:42:29,322
I shall come at once.
Try not to look conspicuous,
611
00:42:29,448 --> 00:42:31,328
...or you'll be knocked
down without the option.
612
00:42:38,331 --> 00:42:41,334
Oh! Oh, you black fiend!
613
00:42:41,460 --> 00:42:44,463
Get your hand out of my drawers!
I'm a mother!
614
00:42:44,754 --> 00:42:46,006
Mummy!
615
00:42:47,632 --> 00:42:49,134
Mummy!
616
00:42:50,510 --> 00:42:52,137
Mummy!
617
00:42:52,637 --> 00:42:54,431
Penny!
618
00:42:56,516 --> 00:42:57,684
Penny!
619
00:43:14,451 --> 00:43:15,994
I'm over here.
620
00:43:16,286 --> 00:43:20,040
So you are.
I'd recognise you anywhere, My Lord.
621
00:43:20,624 --> 00:43:22,542
I must say it suits you.
622
00:43:30,008 --> 00:43:32,135
Please don't do that, I'm not well.
623
00:43:33,136 --> 00:43:35,847
It's me. Captain Bules Martin.
624
00:43:37,015 --> 00:43:38,808
And I'm your doctor.
625
00:43:41,228 --> 00:43:43,688
Come in, Doctor.
Did you bring some furniture?
626
00:43:47,567 --> 00:43:49,069
I say!
627
00:43:51,863 --> 00:43:53,073
Is this you?
628
00:43:53,198 --> 00:43:56,034
Yes, tell me the worst. Where am I?
629
00:43:56,076 --> 00:43:59,704
Yeah, you're number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
630
00:43:59,746 --> 00:44:02,249
Yes, I know that, but what borough?
631
00:44:02,374 --> 00:44:03,750
Ah, that's pretty bad news, I'm afraid.
632
00:44:03,875 --> 00:44:05,544
- It's Paddington.
- Quick, put a card.
633
00:44:05,585 --> 00:44:06,711
Put a card in the window.
634
00:44:06,753 --> 00:44:09,756
No coloureds, no children
and definitely no coloured children.
635
00:44:09,881 --> 00:44:10,924
Don't worry.
636
00:44:11,049 --> 00:44:12,092
Doctor Bules Martin looks like
he's come to stay.
637
00:44:12,217 --> 00:44:14,427
You're still under your doctor.
638
00:44:14,469 --> 00:44:17,556
If everyone thought like you,
this world would be a much happier place.
639
00:44:23,270 --> 00:44:24,563
Breathe in.
640
00:44:24,604 --> 00:44:26,940
In...
641
00:44:30,235 --> 00:44:32,946
- Out.
- Out!
642
00:44:33,738 --> 00:44:35,156
Yes.
643
00:44:37,784 --> 00:44:38,952
How's your water?
644
00:44:39,077 --> 00:44:40,662
It hasn't run properly for years.
645
00:44:40,787 --> 00:44:43,227
Oh well, we'll soon fix that.
Have you got a washer somewhere?
646
00:44:45,292 --> 00:44:48,295
One, two, three, 12...
647
00:44:52,007 --> 00:44:54,426
Cough.
648
00:44:58,638 --> 00:45:01,349
- You married?
- No, not at the moment.
649
00:45:02,267 --> 00:45:05,145
Well, I'd advise against it. Against it.
650
00:45:08,648 --> 00:45:10,150
Listen.
651
00:45:10,984 --> 00:45:12,485
Harken.
652
00:45:19,326 --> 00:45:23,163
Survivors of the Third
Gurkhas, quick march!
653
00:45:29,502 --> 00:45:31,671
It's the Burma reunion.
654
00:45:32,881 --> 00:45:34,549
And hot dinner.
655
00:45:35,467 --> 00:45:37,510
The Cavalry cometh!
656
00:45:41,014 --> 00:45:42,557
I must find the Albert Hall.
657
00:45:44,517 --> 00:45:46,144
I shall be out till dawn.
658
00:45:46,645 --> 00:45:49,147
No, don't wait up. And don't take any rent.
659
00:45:50,899 --> 00:45:53,526
That's got rid of him.
Come on, Abdul, let's get the furniture in.
660
00:46:12,712 --> 00:46:14,214
Mummy!
661
00:46:20,887 --> 00:46:22,555
Thank you, my dear.
662
00:46:22,597 --> 00:46:27,060
As you chaps know, electricity is
the life blood of civilisation.
663
00:46:27,769 --> 00:46:31,731
Without electricity, civilisation
as we know it could not survive.
664
00:46:32,399 --> 00:46:37,028
So I intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle...
665
00:46:37,070 --> 00:46:40,198
...until we've hit this
desolation for six...
666
00:46:40,240 --> 00:46:44,244
...and won God's just victory
over the forces of evil.
667
00:46:55,755 --> 00:46:57,132
Mummy!
668
00:46:57,924 --> 00:46:59,259
Mummy!
669
00:47:01,928 --> 00:47:03,138
Mummy!
670
00:47:03,972 --> 00:47:05,724
I'll look up here.
671
00:47:08,435 --> 00:47:09,936
No...
672
00:47:26,119 --> 00:47:28,955
Oi, you watching?
673
00:47:28,997 --> 00:47:30,623
Oh, please come down!
674
00:47:30,749 --> 00:47:31,958
Okay, coming.
675
00:47:41,634 --> 00:47:43,803
I like it! I like it!
676
00:47:43,845 --> 00:47:46,681
More! More! Oh!
677
00:47:49,142 --> 00:47:51,022
What are you doing with that?
It's not raining.
678
00:47:52,145 --> 00:47:53,313
Come on.
679
00:48:01,196 --> 00:48:05,533
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
680
00:48:07,535 --> 00:48:09,162
♪ Do it again ♪
681
00:48:10,830 --> 00:48:13,833
♪ Roll me over... ♪
682
00:48:15,794 --> 00:48:19,130
♪ On the road to Mandalay ♪
683
00:48:27,388 --> 00:48:29,891
- Who's there?
- Oh, for pity's sake!
684
00:48:30,016 --> 00:48:31,810
No coloureds, damn you!
685
00:48:31,851 --> 00:48:35,021
Have you
not yet finished with my poor bruised body?
686
00:48:35,146 --> 00:48:36,731
Are you
that black man's woman?
687
00:48:36,856 --> 00:48:39,025
That's hardly likely,
in my condition.
688
00:48:39,108 --> 00:48:40,527
And what is
your condition?
689
00:48:40,610 --> 00:48:43,863
I'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?
690
00:48:44,364 --> 00:48:48,034
I'm Lord Fortnum of Alamein. Who are you?
691
00:48:48,952 --> 00:48:50,745
I'm Mrs Frereton.
692
00:48:51,204 --> 00:48:53,706
Well, madam,
in view of the ghastly circumstances...
693
00:48:53,790 --> 00:48:55,208
...in which we both find ourselves,
694
00:48:55,250 --> 00:48:58,878
...I suggest we speak
only when spoken to and hold our tongues.
695
00:48:58,962 --> 00:49:00,630
Very well, if you think so.
696
00:49:02,632 --> 00:49:04,050
Mummy!
697
00:49:06,135 --> 00:49:07,762
Mummy!
698
00:49:09,389 --> 00:49:12,392
Mummy! Mummy!
699
00:49:14,227 --> 00:49:15,895
Mummy!
700
00:49:24,779 --> 00:49:29,075
Oh, let's sleep here for a bit.
We can look again when it's light, love.
701
00:49:54,601 --> 00:49:56,102
I will say this for him,
702
00:49:57,478 --> 00:49:59,147
...I can't really say anything for him,
703
00:49:59,939 --> 00:50:02,609
...except he is like
a sheet of white paper.
704
00:50:04,277 --> 00:50:07,155
I haven't seen a sheet of white paper
for years I could draw a face on.
705
00:50:09,449 --> 00:50:11,284
His poor suit!
706
00:50:11,326 --> 00:50:13,786
Crumple-fashion little
stitches on the edges.
707
00:50:15,288 --> 00:50:16,998
And I'll say this for him,
708
00:50:17,123 --> 00:50:19,375
...trendy boy.
709
00:50:19,459 --> 00:50:21,127
You can say his lapels are crumpled...
710
00:50:21,169 --> 00:50:23,796
...and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.
711
00:50:25,298 --> 00:50:27,008
And I'll say this for him.
712
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:29,677
He's always here.
713
00:50:30,011 --> 00:50:31,846
Wherever his feet are, he is.
714
00:50:33,389 --> 00:50:36,643
Toes are bent upwards, but he's straight,
715
00:50:38,186 --> 00:50:39,479
...flat.
716
00:50:41,189 --> 00:50:42,982
Stupid as the sun.
717
00:50:44,984 --> 00:50:46,653
I will say this for him.
718
00:50:47,987 --> 00:50:49,822
And he has got twirly hair.
719
00:50:50,990 --> 00:50:54,327
But you do get the whole of him,
720
00:50:55,411 --> 00:50:58,247
...now, to stroke.
721
00:51:01,501 --> 00:51:03,002
There's nobody else.
722
00:51:17,225 --> 00:51:21,020
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
723
00:51:23,898 --> 00:51:28,027
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
724
00:51:28,069 --> 00:51:32,865
♪ Roll me over,
lay me down and do it again ♪
725
00:51:34,784 --> 00:51:36,202
♪ When she's... ♪
726
00:51:59,225 --> 00:52:02,562
- All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
- That's, uh...
727
00:52:02,687 --> 00:52:04,397
- ...22 inches, sir.
- Carry on.
728
00:52:04,439 --> 00:52:05,732
Thank you.
729
00:52:06,399 --> 00:52:09,235
Head, 22 inches.
730
00:52:09,277 --> 00:52:11,070
Ah, taking my measurements!
731
00:52:13,448 --> 00:52:14,615
Chest, 22 inches.
732
00:52:14,741 --> 00:52:18,077
That's right. That's the hammer.
Get it all down, eh!
733
00:52:18,202 --> 00:52:19,370
Inside leg,
734
00:52:21,789 --> 00:52:23,750
- 22 inches, sir.
- You're right.
735
00:52:23,875 --> 00:52:26,085
Right, sir. We'll let you know.
736
00:52:26,127 --> 00:52:28,046
Thank you very much, thank you.
737
00:52:28,755 --> 00:52:30,048
Ah! There are my children!
738
00:52:30,548 --> 00:52:31,591
Hello, Daddy!
739
00:52:32,091 --> 00:52:35,803
You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.
740
00:52:35,928 --> 00:52:38,765
My word! What a hairy trunk!
741
00:52:41,768 --> 00:52:42,977
Keep moving.
742
00:52:45,646 --> 00:52:47,273
You going to let me know, then?
743
00:52:47,398 --> 00:52:49,942
Uh, who are you?
744
00:52:50,568 --> 00:52:51,652
They are.
745
00:52:51,778 --> 00:52:54,138
I must say, they seemed rather
impressed with my inside leg.
746
00:52:54,572 --> 00:52:56,449
Excuse me, sir, but it was a 22, wasn't it?
747
00:52:56,491 --> 00:52:58,326
- Yes, I believe it was.
- I say!
748
00:52:58,451 --> 00:53:00,620
Not many of them left, you know.
749
00:53:00,745 --> 00:53:02,163
Like to shake you by the hand.
750
00:53:02,288 --> 00:53:04,832
Yeah, I would, but not
until I've referred it...
751
00:53:04,957 --> 00:53:06,598
- ...to the Ministry of Health.
- Quite, quite.
752
00:53:06,626 --> 00:53:08,252
Can't be too careful.
753
00:53:08,294 --> 00:53:09,420
You in business, then?
754
00:53:09,462 --> 00:53:10,922
- Hmm?
- Looking for a partner?
755
00:53:10,963 --> 00:53:12,131
No, I am a partner.
756
00:53:12,256 --> 00:53:14,759
Of course. Who is your partner?
757
00:53:14,801 --> 00:53:17,011
I don't need one,
I'm just Partner and Company.
758
00:53:17,136 --> 00:53:20,306
I say, uh, is that your daughter?
759
00:53:20,431 --> 00:53:22,809
I say, it is. Chubby little thing.
760
00:53:23,267 --> 00:53:24,977
- Well-built young girl.
- Thank you.
761
00:53:25,603 --> 00:53:28,773
Been going on for some time?
762
00:53:29,107 --> 00:53:31,776
- Eighteen months.
- Eight... Indeed, indeed!
763
00:53:32,485 --> 00:53:34,612
Well,
I'd like your permission to...
764
00:53:35,154 --> 00:53:36,781
...call upon your daughter.
765
00:53:37,782 --> 00:53:39,992
Often. Starting now.
766
00:54:20,199 --> 00:54:21,325
No.
767
00:54:21,367 --> 00:54:24,328
I'd like a bit more off here, for courting.
768
00:54:34,213 --> 00:54:36,549
Ah! Ah, yes, that's much better.
769
00:54:36,591 --> 00:54:40,595
I'm not one of your hippie types, you know.
Such as that never won fair lady.
770
00:54:40,720 --> 00:54:43,014
Anything else, sir?
771
00:55:05,536 --> 00:55:07,288
But Daddy, I love Alan.
772
00:55:07,914 --> 00:55:10,750
Love?
Love is a four-letter word.
773
00:55:10,791 --> 00:55:12,251
Come to that, so is bull.
774
00:55:12,919 --> 00:55:14,712
Cat is a three-letter word.
775
00:55:14,754 --> 00:55:15,963
Right.
776
00:55:17,256 --> 00:55:18,925
You're going to make a famous son-in-law.
777
00:55:19,425 --> 00:55:20,885
Been my ambition for years.
778
00:55:22,094 --> 00:55:23,429
Uh...
779
00:55:31,312 --> 00:55:33,272
Now, look here, Mr Frereton!
780
00:55:33,314 --> 00:55:35,942
You can't arrange
this thing over our heads, you know.
781
00:55:35,983 --> 00:55:37,068
Can't I?
782
00:55:37,109 --> 00:55:39,870
Captain Bules Martin is a man of subsidence
and property, if not more.
783
00:55:40,154 --> 00:55:41,489
Moreover, he's a partner.
784
00:55:42,323 --> 00:55:45,117
A very fitting
son-in-law for a future Prime Minister.
785
00:55:45,952 --> 00:55:47,286
Who is?
786
00:55:47,328 --> 00:55:48,496
I am.
787
00:55:48,621 --> 00:55:51,958
You don't imagine they gathered my
measurements for nothing, do you?
788
00:55:51,999 --> 00:55:55,294
Show me a 22 inside leg
and I'll show you a future Prime Minister.
789
00:55:55,419 --> 00:55:57,129
It's a well-known fact.
790
00:55:57,255 --> 00:55:59,507
I expect Mrs Ethel Shroake...
791
00:56:00,591 --> 00:56:02,343
...to consider my credentials any day now.
792
00:56:03,010 --> 00:56:05,972
That trunk of yours, get rid of it.
793
00:56:07,473 --> 00:56:09,308
This is not my trunk.
794
00:56:10,142 --> 00:56:13,187
He tied his thumbs up with string and
exposed himself for a limited period...
795
00:56:13,312 --> 00:56:15,356
...between Bagshot and Camberley.
796
00:56:15,481 --> 00:56:16,983
Was that you, sir?
797
00:56:18,025 --> 00:56:19,860
A post-war gesture, I suppose.
798
00:56:20,653 --> 00:56:22,196
I hope you destroyed the string.
799
00:57:25,051 --> 00:57:28,054
Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!
800
00:57:30,222 --> 00:57:31,724
Clear out!
801
00:57:33,059 --> 00:57:34,268
Naughty...!
802
00:58:01,796 --> 00:58:03,464
I love St Paul's, you know.
803
00:58:04,215 --> 00:58:06,467
Dearly love us to be married here.
804
00:58:07,385 --> 00:58:08,928
Ah! Vicar!
805
00:58:10,429 --> 00:58:12,890
May be requiring your services soon.
806
00:58:13,933 --> 00:58:15,267
My fiancée and I.
807
00:58:16,769 --> 00:58:18,437
I'm not surprised.
808
00:58:18,979 --> 00:58:23,609
I wouldn't leave it too long, if I were
you. Chubby little thing, isn't she?
809
00:58:27,446 --> 00:58:29,740
My patient, you know.
810
00:58:30,908 --> 00:58:32,118
Well, if you'll excuse me,
811
00:58:32,243 --> 00:58:36,080
I'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.
812
00:58:43,254 --> 00:58:44,588
I can't go through with it.
813
00:58:45,256 --> 00:58:46,298
What?
814
00:58:46,424 --> 00:58:49,009
Having this monster.
815
00:58:53,013 --> 00:58:55,141
Well, no one else can have it, can they?
816
00:59:23,002 --> 00:59:24,837
- Then it must be?
- It must be.
817
00:59:26,672 --> 00:59:29,008
Well, I'll just slip into
an old wedding dress.
818
00:59:29,049 --> 00:59:30,843
No, no, wait a minute, darling.
819
00:59:32,845 --> 00:59:34,513
Go behind the screen.
820
00:59:34,889 --> 00:59:37,183
Oh, really, darling,
you've watched a lady undress...
821
00:59:37,224 --> 00:59:38,559
...before today, haven't you?
822
00:59:38,684 --> 00:59:40,352
Of course, darling.
823
00:59:40,519 --> 00:59:43,022
I'll go behind the screen with you.
824
00:59:47,860 --> 00:59:49,862
I wish Mother could have
been alive to see it.
825
00:59:52,364 --> 00:59:53,908
Uh, just a thought.
826
00:59:54,867 --> 00:59:59,371
Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?
827
00:59:59,413 --> 01:00:02,208
Three pounds one shilling. Catholics extra.
828
01:00:02,583 --> 01:00:05,211
No, no, we couldn't afford
the divorce just now.
829
01:00:05,336 --> 01:00:07,213
She'll have to be satisfied
with the wedding.
830
01:00:07,254 --> 01:00:10,049
Later on, of course, when I'm earning,
then we can get the annulment.
831
01:00:10,174 --> 01:00:12,384
Uh, this is the instant God kit, sir.
832
01:00:13,344 --> 01:00:14,386
Good luck.
833
01:00:26,023 --> 01:00:28,234
Alley-up there.
834
01:00:28,734 --> 01:00:30,236
Would you join hands, please?
835
01:00:31,403 --> 01:00:33,447
Good, good.
836
01:00:33,572 --> 01:00:34,907
And now for a good book.
837
01:00:37,910 --> 01:00:41,121
♪ Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper ♪
838
01:00:41,247 --> 01:00:43,415
♪ Took her into the potting shed v
839
01:00:43,457 --> 01:00:45,751
♪ And laid her upon the ground ♪
840
01:00:45,793 --> 01:00:47,628
♪ And with hands quivering, he ripped... ♪
841
01:00:47,753 --> 01:00:49,421
I say, look here, that's not the Bible.
842
01:00:49,463 --> 01:00:50,965
I know, it's Lady Chatterley's Lover.
843
01:00:51,090 --> 01:00:54,718
But if you prefer the old twit version,
I think I can still recall it.
844
01:00:56,637 --> 01:01:00,432
♪ Do you, Bules Martin, take this
girl to be your lawful wedded wife? ♪
845
01:01:00,474 --> 01:01:02,234
♪ I was expecting you
to ask me that question ♪
846
01:01:02,268 --> 01:01:03,894
♪ As it so happens, I do ♪
847
01:01:04,645 --> 01:01:08,607
♪ And do you, Penelope, take this lawful
wedded man to be your husband? ♪
848
01:01:08,732 --> 01:01:09,775
I do.
849
01:01:09,817 --> 01:01:12,903
♪ And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton ♪
850
01:01:12,945 --> 01:01:15,656
♪ To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health ♪
851
01:01:15,781 --> 01:01:18,617
♪ In trial and in ordeal
and in all that holy... ♪
852
01:01:18,659 --> 01:01:19,910
I do!
853
01:01:19,952 --> 01:01:21,495
I say, look here,
there's still some decency left.
854
01:01:21,620 --> 01:01:22,663
Come on, darling, let's get out of here.
855
01:01:22,788 --> 01:01:23,789
Stop!
856
01:01:24,331 --> 01:01:26,125
Haven't finished, have we?
857
01:01:26,792 --> 01:01:30,588
I now pronounce you man and wife.
858
01:01:32,006 --> 01:01:34,425
On your mark, get set...
859
01:01:43,517 --> 01:01:46,687
Get out of my bedroom, you Peeping Tom.
860
01:01:48,147 --> 01:01:50,441
Ah! This ought to do the trick.
861
01:01:50,482 --> 01:01:52,443
You've got two hours, mate.
862
01:01:52,484 --> 01:01:54,320
- I won't need this, then, will I?
- No!
863
01:01:56,155 --> 01:01:58,782
My God! When was my last virility test?
864
01:02:03,954 --> 01:02:05,205
Congratulations, Mrs Martin.
865
01:02:05,331 --> 01:02:07,333
I thought you'd never get here.
866
01:02:11,837 --> 01:02:13,839
- Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
- Yes?
867
01:02:16,216 --> 01:02:18,510
When did you first decide
to become a politician?
868
01:02:21,639 --> 01:02:22,973
Did you get that?
869
01:02:23,015 --> 01:02:25,142
I'm afraid I didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?
870
01:02:25,184 --> 01:02:27,353
It began when I measured
my inside leg one day,
871
01:02:27,478 --> 01:02:28,979
...as we all do.
872
01:02:29,021 --> 01:02:31,357
And I found that I was very well-equipped.
873
01:02:49,208 --> 01:02:51,085
Good heavens! Penelope?
874
01:02:52,586 --> 01:02:53,921
Hello, Daddy.
875
01:02:54,046 --> 01:02:56,215
But you're promised
to Captain Bules Martin, you slut.
876
01:02:56,340 --> 01:02:57,883
Come down at once.
877
01:02:58,008 --> 01:02:59,593
I married him this morning, Daddy.
878
01:02:59,718 --> 01:03:01,095
So you did.
879
01:03:01,220 --> 01:03:02,554
That's all right, then.
880
01:03:02,596 --> 01:03:03,764
Carry on.
881
01:03:10,854 --> 01:03:12,356
Wife sent you along, did she?
882
01:03:12,773 --> 01:03:15,025
Well, it did occur to me that I
might review the circumstances.
883
01:03:15,067 --> 01:03:16,860
Huh. You'll love it.
884
01:03:16,902 --> 01:03:19,613
Yeah, I can't keep away.
885
01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:21,881
You'll learn to love your virility test.
886
01:03:22,116 --> 01:03:23,617
I've always had a very good wind.
887
01:03:23,742 --> 01:03:25,077
Mmm, oh dear.
888
01:03:26,120 --> 01:03:28,539
- Who's wrong?
- Well, my wife...
889
01:03:28,622 --> 01:03:31,041
She... Well...
890
01:03:34,086 --> 01:03:35,129
Oh!
891
01:03:35,254 --> 01:03:38,465
Best thing, uh, best thing to do is
talk dirty among yourselves.
892
01:03:38,590 --> 01:03:42,428
Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.
893
01:03:58,235 --> 01:03:59,278
Is it?
894
01:03:59,486 --> 01:04:01,113
- Is it?
- Due?
895
01:04:01,613 --> 01:04:03,240
- Due?
- I knew it.
896
01:04:03,282 --> 01:04:05,451
- Ooh!
- Should have kept my socks on.
897
01:04:08,287 --> 01:04:09,955
Look, never mind, my love.
898
01:04:10,289 --> 01:04:12,624
I'll nip downstairs and
get some boiling water.
899
01:04:13,459 --> 01:04:15,461
Come. Come on down.
900
01:04:16,628 --> 01:04:17,796
Come on, we'll just nip down.
901
01:04:29,975 --> 01:04:31,643
Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll!
902
01:04:47,326 --> 01:04:50,412
Ah, did you pass your virility test, son?
903
01:04:50,496 --> 01:04:52,748
I don't know. Hard to tell.
904
01:04:53,165 --> 01:04:55,167
You see, lights fused
at the critical moment.
905
01:04:55,751 --> 01:04:58,086
Where's my bride? She
should be able to tell.
906
01:04:58,170 --> 01:05:01,131
Sit down, son. Your bride is in labour.
907
01:05:01,840 --> 01:05:03,425
Oh, God!
908
01:05:05,260 --> 01:05:07,679
Daddy, I need a drink.
909
01:05:12,768 --> 01:05:13,852
What'll you have, old boy?
910
01:05:13,936 --> 01:05:16,814
I'll have a large, uh, water.
911
01:05:16,855 --> 01:05:18,106
With water?
912
01:05:18,190 --> 01:05:20,526
No, nothing with it.
913
01:05:20,651 --> 01:05:22,027
- Here you are.
- Good. Thanks.
914
01:05:22,110 --> 01:05:23,445
A pleasure.
915
01:05:23,529 --> 01:05:27,825
Well, I think I'll
wander along to the saloon car, bar.
916
01:05:27,866 --> 01:05:30,202
Well, here we are again.
917
01:05:30,327 --> 01:05:33,330
Another one for you? Pleasure, old friend.
918
01:05:34,456 --> 01:05:36,208
Oh, I knew.
919
01:05:36,333 --> 01:05:40,212
As soon as I grasped the test-tube
firmly in my right hand.
920
01:05:40,295 --> 01:05:42,631
None of your cheek and impotence.
921
01:05:42,714 --> 01:05:43,715
Cheek?
922
01:05:47,511 --> 01:05:49,555
- You'll like it, I think.
- Thank you.
923
01:05:49,680 --> 01:05:51,223
Jolly good health.
924
01:06:07,698 --> 01:06:09,408
Evening.
925
01:06:10,492 --> 01:06:11,827
We're looking for a man.
926
01:06:11,910 --> 01:06:13,704
Are you indeed, Inspector?
927
01:06:13,745 --> 01:06:16,415
There aren't many of us left, you know.
928
01:06:19,543 --> 01:06:21,420
We're also looking for a bed sitting room.
929
01:06:21,503 --> 01:06:23,255
Aren't we all?
930
01:06:23,380 --> 01:06:24,673
True. True.
931
01:06:25,757 --> 01:06:29,052
We're on the trail of a
foul and grisly murder.
932
01:06:29,094 --> 01:06:32,347
I say, isn't that the
first, uh, post-war murder?
933
01:06:32,431 --> 01:06:34,391
Things are looking up for you
in popular fiction.
934
01:06:34,433 --> 01:06:36,560
Yes, we've had a pretty
thin time of it recently.
935
01:06:36,602 --> 01:06:37,686
Yes.
936
01:06:37,769 --> 01:06:38,937
What with 40 million dead,
937
01:06:39,062 --> 01:06:40,522
we haven't been
able to see the wood for the trees.
938
01:06:40,606 --> 01:06:42,524
Yes, quite.
939
01:06:42,608 --> 01:06:45,360
But this is murder, not glory.
940
01:06:46,111 --> 01:06:47,362
How do you do?
941
01:06:51,116 --> 01:06:55,704
We are also looking for a trunk,
if the Inspector doesn't mind me saying so.
942
01:06:55,787 --> 01:07:00,292
And when we find it,
we shall know why we're looking for it.
943
01:07:06,798 --> 01:07:08,592
Penelope!
944
01:07:09,968 --> 01:07:12,095
Penelope!
945
01:07:13,138 --> 01:07:14,640
Penelope!
946
01:07:15,891 --> 01:07:17,392
Penelope!
947
01:07:19,144 --> 01:07:20,646
Penelope!
948
01:07:20,729 --> 01:07:22,147
Penelope...
949
01:07:22,898 --> 01:07:25,109
Relax, dearie. She's doing very well.
950
01:07:25,150 --> 01:07:28,403
Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.
951
01:07:28,487 --> 01:07:30,906
Let me go! She needs me!
952
01:07:30,989 --> 01:07:32,074
No.
953
01:07:32,157 --> 01:07:35,160
What she has need of is medical science.
954
01:07:42,834 --> 01:07:44,294
Father?
955
01:07:46,922 --> 01:07:50,926
Oh! Are you that bloke
what ordered the Van Gogh painting?
956
01:07:51,009 --> 01:07:54,346
I am, I am. Hang it up there.
957
01:07:57,182 --> 01:07:59,142
I think it might do better on the wall.
958
01:07:59,184 --> 01:08:02,020
I wish you'd make your bleeding mind up.
959
01:08:03,855 --> 01:08:07,025
Is your name Frereton?
960
01:08:07,109 --> 01:08:09,111
No. It's not.
961
01:08:09,194 --> 01:08:10,529
Never!
962
01:08:10,612 --> 01:08:12,698
- That is the man you want.
- Never!
963
01:08:12,823 --> 01:08:16,284
Only it's, uh, it's his
turn to be Prime Minister.
964
01:08:17,786 --> 01:08:19,871
I know. I know.
965
01:08:19,997 --> 01:08:23,041
I always knew
my inside leg would lead to power.
966
01:08:23,166 --> 01:08:26,962
Dear Martin... Bules,
give me a hand, will you?
967
01:08:27,045 --> 01:08:30,966
And get rid of my old togs, which I shall
not need as Prime Minister.
968
01:08:42,728 --> 01:08:44,813
Martin, what about down there, eh?
969
01:09:26,605 --> 01:09:28,398
Oh, fire, fire!
970
01:09:28,940 --> 01:09:30,067
Fire!
971
01:09:30,108 --> 01:09:33,028
- Did you say something?
- What? Me? No.
972
01:09:33,111 --> 01:09:34,279
Fire!
973
01:09:34,362 --> 01:09:36,740
All right, Sergeant, nip down and see
what that fire's about, would you?
974
01:09:36,782 --> 01:09:38,617
I was just going to do so, actually, sir.
975
01:09:38,700 --> 01:09:40,285
Can't have fires around
this time of the year.
976
01:09:40,368 --> 01:09:41,536
Very well put, sir.
977
01:09:41,620 --> 01:09:42,746
Down you go, then, Sergeant.
978
01:09:42,788 --> 01:09:44,581
Right. Could you lower the
balloon a little, sir?
979
01:09:44,623 --> 01:09:46,958
- Doing me best.
- Thank you.
980
01:09:48,126 --> 01:09:50,295
Oh, my bloody leg!
981
01:09:50,420 --> 01:09:52,089
Never mind about your bloody leg!
982
01:09:52,130 --> 01:09:54,424
Look at me, I'm drifting!
Grab hold of the rope!
983
01:09:54,466 --> 01:09:57,135
Grab hold of the rope, Constable.
Sir's drifting.
984
01:09:57,219 --> 01:10:00,597
Sir's more than drifting! Sir's away!
985
01:10:00,639 --> 01:10:02,390
Grab the anchor!
986
01:10:02,474 --> 01:10:06,478
I didn't join the force just to
drift aimlessly into the void!
987
01:10:06,603 --> 01:10:09,147
Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll soon
have you out of trouble!
988
01:10:09,231 --> 01:10:10,565
Grab the anchor!
989
01:10:10,649 --> 01:10:12,609
I've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control!
990
01:10:12,651 --> 01:10:16,154
Oh, my God! Pull me down, Sergeant!
991
01:10:16,279 --> 01:10:17,489
I will, sir!
992
01:10:17,572 --> 01:10:19,991
Use your weight and gravity.
I'll come and help you!
993
01:10:20,075 --> 01:10:22,577
I haven't got much gravity left, sir!
994
01:10:23,954 --> 01:10:26,581
What a lovely dome that is.
Wren, isn't it?
995
01:10:26,665 --> 01:10:29,501
No, it's not rain, sir.
It looks a bit cloudy,
996
01:10:29,626 --> 01:10:32,420
...but I don't think we're in for any rain.
Sorry, sir.
997
01:10:32,504 --> 01:10:34,865
Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?
998
01:10:36,007 --> 01:10:37,175
We have this new system.
999
01:10:37,259 --> 01:10:40,262
Instead of moving the baby out,
we move the furniture in.
1000
01:10:41,471 --> 01:10:42,514
Excuse me.
1001
01:10:42,639 --> 01:10:44,599
What are you doing to my Penny?
1002
01:10:44,683 --> 01:10:46,184
We should all ask ourselves,
1003
01:10:46,309 --> 01:10:49,271
...is it really necessary
for people to leave the womb nowadays?
1004
01:10:49,354 --> 01:10:52,034
That's when most of the trouble seems
to start in this wicked world.
1005
01:10:55,360 --> 01:10:57,279
My God, it's monstrous!
1006
01:10:57,362 --> 01:10:59,990
It may well be, but you must be prepared
to love your monster.
1007
01:11:00,031 --> 01:11:02,367
Oh, we have some medicated wallpaper here.
1008
01:11:02,450 --> 01:11:05,370
Perhaps you'd like
to chose a pattern to suit your womb.
1009
01:11:19,467 --> 01:11:22,888
Then, in come the three bears.
And Daddy Bear said,
1010
01:11:22,971 --> 01:11:25,223
..."Who's been sleeping in my porridge?"
1011
01:11:25,307 --> 01:11:26,892
And the Mama Bear said,
1012
01:11:26,975 --> 01:11:29,811
..."That's no porridge. That was my wife."
1013
01:11:31,229 --> 01:11:34,024
Waste of time telling bleeding chinks...
1014
01:11:34,065 --> 01:11:36,234
There were three pandas, see?
1015
01:11:37,485 --> 01:11:38,528
Sergeant!
1016
01:11:38,570 --> 01:11:39,821
Sir!
1017
01:11:39,905 --> 01:11:42,073
Quick, man, they're coming over the wire.
1018
01:11:43,325 --> 01:11:47,162
Where, sir? I can see no one whatever, sir.
1019
01:11:47,245 --> 01:11:50,081
Put these glasses to your eyes, you idiot!
1020
01:11:53,835 --> 01:11:56,254
No, sir. Duff information, sir.
1021
01:11:56,379 --> 01:11:59,257
I can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.
1022
01:11:59,382 --> 01:12:00,926
- No sign of the enemy, sir.
- Here.
1023
01:12:02,260 --> 01:12:03,678
Are you the bloke, uh, officer,
1024
01:12:03,762 --> 01:12:07,265
...what was in charge of the nuclear
detergent in the last atomic war?
1025
01:12:07,349 --> 01:12:08,433
I am he.
1026
01:12:08,558 --> 01:12:12,729
Bad news. It has been returned to sender.
1027
01:12:12,771 --> 01:12:15,398
And there's three and nine to
pay on it in Chinese dollars.
1028
01:12:15,440 --> 01:12:17,859
- Good heavens! We got a reply.
- I can't help that, mate.
1029
01:12:17,943 --> 01:12:19,945
You didn't reckon
with the chinky-poo post office, did you?
1030
01:12:20,070 --> 01:12:21,780
- Well, it's a bit late now.
- Yes.
1031
01:12:21,905 --> 01:12:25,700
Sixty-five million pounds
it cost to develop that bomb.
1032
01:12:25,784 --> 01:12:27,953
Pity about the three and nine.
1033
01:12:28,036 --> 01:12:30,914
We could have won, you know.
Damnable bad luck!
1034
01:12:56,439 --> 01:12:58,566
Dad will get a nice surprise.
1035
01:12:59,901 --> 01:13:01,820
- Dad!
- Dad!
1036
01:13:03,822 --> 01:13:05,740
- Daddy?
- Daddy?
1037
01:13:05,824 --> 01:13:08,159
- Dad?
- Dad?
1038
01:13:13,957 --> 01:13:16,918
Sorry we're late home, Dad.
1039
01:13:17,002 --> 01:13:19,296
I had the baby.
1040
01:13:22,173 --> 01:13:24,342
Don't you think he looks
a bit like you, sir?
1041
01:13:46,364 --> 01:13:48,491
It's been a long day.
1042
01:14:06,551 --> 01:14:08,386
Good night.
1043
01:14:17,395 --> 01:14:19,230
Rape!
1044
01:14:19,314 --> 01:14:21,983
Damn it,
I can hold my tongue no longer!
1045
01:14:22,067 --> 01:14:23,902
- What?
- How dare you, adulterer!
1046
01:14:24,027 --> 01:14:26,279
How dare you
take advantage of our feathered friend!
1047
01:14:26,363 --> 01:14:28,198
- Mummy!
- I'm so ashamed.
1048
01:14:28,281 --> 01:14:30,867
Compromised internally
in front of my own daughter.
1049
01:14:30,950 --> 01:14:32,285
Close my doors at once.
1050
01:14:32,369 --> 01:14:34,913
- Can't we go into this in the morning?
I'm all... - Daddy, it's Mummy.
1051
01:14:34,996 --> 01:14:38,708
Very well, Captain.
But be gentle with me.
1052
01:14:38,792 --> 01:14:41,086
Nighty-night.
1053
01:14:43,338 --> 01:14:44,631
Night-night, Mum.
1054
01:14:44,714 --> 01:14:46,716
Good night, dear.
1055
01:14:54,724 --> 01:14:56,726
Uh, good night, Dad.
1056
01:15:08,738 --> 01:15:09,906
MARTINI No.
1057
01:15:11,241 --> 01:15:13,368
Nothing edible here.
1058
01:15:13,451 --> 01:15:18,248
You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,
1059
01:15:18,331 --> 01:15:20,750
...woodworms have become quite extinct.
1060
01:15:20,834 --> 01:15:22,877
Oh, really?
1061
01:15:22,961 --> 01:15:24,421
Very strange.
1062
01:15:25,588 --> 01:15:28,049
Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and
Americans who dropped it, then.
1063
01:15:28,133 --> 01:15:30,010
Perhaps it was Rentokil.
1064
01:15:33,680 --> 01:15:35,932
Dinner is served, Daddy-o.
1065
01:15:39,102 --> 01:15:40,270
Well...
1066
01:15:40,353 --> 01:15:43,481
Well, I don't know who he is,
but he's just in time.
1067
01:15:48,445 --> 01:15:51,114
Well. Sit you down.
1068
01:15:59,038 --> 01:16:02,167
What? What is it, darling? Chicken?
1069
01:16:02,250 --> 01:16:03,668
No, it's Daddy.
1070
01:16:03,751 --> 01:16:08,006
Oh. Well, never mind.
Don't take it too hard.
1071
01:16:08,089 --> 01:16:11,801
We'll let his perch to another bird,
if we can find one.
1072
01:16:11,885 --> 01:16:13,470
Be gentle, Bules.
1073
01:16:15,472 --> 01:16:19,058
How did this terrible thing happen?
1074
01:16:19,142 --> 01:16:20,727
After his career in politics,
1075
01:16:20,810 --> 01:16:23,855
...he said he wanted his body
to be left to science.
1076
01:16:23,938 --> 01:16:26,149
Then he threw himself off his perch.
1077
01:16:42,999 --> 01:16:46,836
Here, what's that silly thing?
1078
01:16:46,920 --> 01:16:48,254
It's her father.
1079
01:16:48,338 --> 01:16:51,174
Father, eh? Ooh! This'll
mean a by-election.
1080
01:16:51,257 --> 01:16:53,092
Oh dear Lord!
1081
01:16:54,469 --> 01:16:58,264
Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.
1082
01:18:03,830 --> 01:18:05,582
I am moving.
1083
01:18:23,766 --> 01:18:25,935
Gas masks on!
1084
01:18:27,145 --> 01:18:29,856
Gas masks on! Hurry up.
1085
01:18:30,690 --> 01:18:34,902
Atomic bomb, radiation rising! Hurry up!
1086
01:18:34,986 --> 01:18:38,531
Radiation rising. Masks on!
1087
01:18:38,615 --> 01:18:39,991
All your masks on!
1088
01:18:41,200 --> 01:18:43,620
My word,
it's a good job the Minister of Defence...
1089
01:18:43,703 --> 01:18:46,914
...had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.
1090
01:18:46,998 --> 01:18:51,169
Mind you, I was thinking. I don't think
the human face fits the modern need.
1091
01:18:51,252 --> 01:18:52,795
- You don't?
- No.
1092
01:18:52,879 --> 01:18:56,382
If I had my way
in the hurly-burly of post-atomic living,
1093
01:18:56,466 --> 01:18:59,135
...I'd have a bloke's mouth
on top of his nut.
1094
01:18:59,218 --> 01:19:01,054
You see, then when he's late for work...
1095
01:19:01,137 --> 01:19:03,598
...all he has to do is slide
his breakfast under his hat...
1096
01:19:03,681 --> 01:19:05,308
...and eat it on the way to the office.
1097
01:19:08,519 --> 01:19:11,105
Do you think we've come
to the end of it all?
1098
01:19:11,939 --> 01:19:14,692
Oh, dear.
1099
01:19:17,195 --> 01:19:18,321
Nah.
1100
01:19:24,369 --> 01:19:27,538
Get your masks on!
Get your masks on!
1101
01:19:27,664 --> 01:19:30,708
Get your masks on! Atomic bomb!
1102
01:19:39,842 --> 01:19:42,345
Oh, please, God, not again.
1103
01:19:49,769 --> 01:19:51,354
Bloody fog.
1104
01:19:52,814 --> 01:19:54,023
What's to become of us now?
1105
01:19:54,107 --> 01:19:56,025
Well, we'll just have to keep going.
1106
01:19:56,109 --> 01:19:57,652
What for?
1107
01:19:57,735 --> 01:19:59,570
Because we're British.
1108
01:19:59,654 --> 01:20:01,072
British?
1109
01:20:01,155 --> 01:20:06,119
Well, what a lot of use that is.
We don't even know who's won the war.
1110
01:20:06,202 --> 01:20:10,957
We've run out of food. No medicine.
We're eating our parents.
1111
01:20:11,040 --> 01:20:12,458
British!
1112
01:20:17,755 --> 01:20:20,049
And another thing. If I had my way,
1113
01:20:20,133 --> 01:20:23,594
...I'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.
1114
01:20:23,678 --> 01:20:24,721
He'd wear a glove, of course?
1115
01:20:24,804 --> 01:20:28,224
Oh, yes!
You don't want the frost to get at it, eh?
1116
01:20:28,307 --> 01:20:31,436
And you think how handy it would
be in them non-corridor trains.
1117
01:20:31,519 --> 01:20:33,104
He could waggle it
out the window then, couldn't he?
1118
01:20:33,187 --> 01:20:35,231
Where would you put a woman's equivalent?
1119
01:20:35,314 --> 01:20:39,152
Well, I'd...
I'd have that up here on her shoulder. See?
1120
01:20:39,235 --> 01:20:41,863
- Oh?
- Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.
1121
01:20:41,946 --> 01:20:43,531
Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?
1122
01:20:43,614 --> 01:20:46,325
No! It'd be easier for her to kneel down.
1123
01:20:46,409 --> 01:20:48,286
Oh no, it wouldn't work.
Out of the question!
1124
01:20:48,369 --> 01:20:50,413
- How do you mean?
- Picture to yourself.
1125
01:20:50,496 --> 01:20:56,961
Crowded train, a young man gets up to
give his seat to a young, pretty girl.
1126
01:20:57,044 --> 01:20:59,922
She doesn't notice at first, and then...
1127
01:21:00,006 --> 01:21:02,675
..."Excuse me, miss." Ah?
1128
01:21:06,262 --> 01:21:07,764
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
1129
01:21:07,847 --> 01:21:09,432
Oh dear, indeed.
1130
01:21:09,515 --> 01:21:12,195
That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?
1131
01:21:22,945 --> 01:21:24,781
Isn't it looking a bit off to you?
1132
01:21:24,864 --> 01:21:27,116
Well, take him inside, then.
1133
01:21:27,200 --> 01:21:29,118
No-poking compartment.
1134
01:21:31,329 --> 01:21:33,915
Ah, let's get in now, dear.
Blowing up foggy.
1135
01:21:34,665 --> 01:21:36,793
Here, here, here. Come here.
1136
01:21:36,876 --> 01:21:38,628
Turn round, darling.
1137
01:21:38,711 --> 01:21:40,087
What?
1138
01:21:40,171 --> 01:21:42,173
Pardon... Pardon me, miss.
1139
01:21:52,099 --> 01:21:53,851
Rubber?
1140
01:21:53,935 --> 01:21:55,520
Please go away.
1141
01:21:58,314 --> 01:22:00,650
It's rubber.
1142
01:22:00,817 --> 01:22:03,986
It's rubber! Rubber!
1143
01:22:04,862 --> 01:22:06,072
Gas.
1144
01:22:06,155 --> 01:22:08,699
This is a killer fog, all right.
Just like the old clays.
1145
01:22:08,783 --> 01:22:10,201
Eh? Isn't it, eh?
1146
01:22:10,284 --> 01:22:13,329
Hey! You'll enjoy this.
It was horrible how they were gassed.
1147
01:22:31,848 --> 01:22:33,266
Oh!
1148
01:22:33,349 --> 01:22:34,976
My baby!
1149
01:22:36,352 --> 01:22:38,020
My poor baby!
1150
01:22:38,813 --> 01:22:40,106
It's dead!
1151
01:22:41,482 --> 01:22:44,902
Now, look, darling,
we all know that Rupert was thing.
1152
01:22:44,986 --> 01:22:49,615
It was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and I.
1153
01:22:50,741 --> 01:22:53,870
It was the only thing
I ever cared for in the whole world.
1154
01:22:56,914 --> 01:23:00,001
Well, never mind, darling,
we might someday make another.
1155
01:23:01,210 --> 01:23:03,421
What a shame. What a shame.
1156
01:23:04,797 --> 01:23:09,677
Here. Here, darling, I'll drink that silly,
silly bottle of milk up for you.
1157
01:23:09,760 --> 01:23:11,721
MARTINI That's right.
1158
01:23:11,804 --> 01:23:14,849
Hey! Look! He's already got the hang of it.
1159
01:23:14,932 --> 01:23:17,894
Look, darling,
why don't we adopt this one? Mmm?
1160
01:23:18,895 --> 01:23:22,732
Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?
1161
01:23:22,815 --> 01:23:25,067
Diddles want his rattle?
1162
01:23:25,151 --> 01:23:26,611
Piss off!
1163
01:23:26,694 --> 01:23:29,989
Listen, darling, his first words.
"Piss off!"
1164
01:23:30,072 --> 01:23:31,407
Piss off.
1165
01:23:50,176 --> 01:23:52,720
Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.
1166
01:23:52,803 --> 01:23:59,226
Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.
1167
01:24:06,692 --> 01:24:09,278
The rubber! The rubber!
1168
01:24:09,362 --> 01:24:11,364
It is the end of us, my friends!
1169
01:24:13,199 --> 01:24:16,702
Oh, yes! The end, my friends, is in sight!
1170
01:24:17,620 --> 01:24:22,291
I carried little Rupert inside me for 17 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.
1171
01:24:24,961 --> 01:24:28,798
Yes, my friend, rubber.
It is the end of us!
1172
01:24:28,965 --> 01:24:30,967
Stretch and repent!
1173
01:24:31,092 --> 01:24:34,387
It's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.
1174
01:24:34,637 --> 01:24:36,263
Run, brothers, run!
1175
01:24:36,347 --> 01:24:39,100
The rubber will get you wherever you hide!
1176
01:24:39,183 --> 01:24:41,143
The rubber is come.
1177
01:24:41,227 --> 01:24:43,813
Stretch, brothers, and repent!
1178
01:24:45,231 --> 01:24:48,985
We've provoked the hand and the foot,
1179
01:24:49,068 --> 01:24:52,989
...and the elbow, and the knees,
and the teeth of God!
1180
01:24:53,072 --> 01:24:54,949
- Right, Sergeant.
- Stand by, men.
1181
01:24:56,200 --> 01:24:59,954
That's why he dropped the bomb.
1182
01:25:00,454 --> 01:25:01,747
The bomb?
1183
01:25:01,831 --> 01:25:02,873
The bomb!
1184
01:25:02,957 --> 01:25:04,959
- The bomb.
- The bomb?
1185
01:25:05,042 --> 01:25:06,502
The bomb!
1186
01:25:13,551 --> 01:25:14,593
Stop!
1187
01:25:15,761 --> 01:25:17,138
Dear God!
1188
01:25:17,430 --> 01:25:19,056
That's the fellow!
1189
01:25:20,182 --> 01:25:23,019
Stretch and repent all your wicked ways!
1190
01:25:23,102 --> 01:25:25,730
Follow me and ye shall be saved!
1191
01:25:26,814 --> 01:25:29,275
Run, brothers, run!
1192
01:25:29,608 --> 01:25:32,737
We can all stretch and repent!
1193
01:25:33,612 --> 01:25:37,783
Stop!
Stop! Stop in the name of the Lord!
1194
01:25:38,701 --> 01:25:43,372
Here, it's God! It's God.
He's come back on us.
1195
01:25:43,789 --> 01:25:45,458
Good old God, mate.
1196
01:25:45,624 --> 01:25:48,544
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
1197
01:25:49,045 --> 01:25:50,880
He's a Socialist, you know.
1198
01:25:50,963 --> 01:25:53,382
Quiet, Labour scum!
1199
01:25:53,549 --> 01:25:55,092
What?
1200
01:25:55,176 --> 01:25:58,429
He's... He's a bleeding Conservative.
1201
01:25:58,512 --> 01:26:00,639
Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,
1202
01:26:00,723 --> 01:26:02,058
...you sound like Lord Fortnum.
1203
01:26:02,141 --> 01:26:04,435
I also do impressions.
1204
01:26:04,518 --> 01:26:08,564
Save us, Lord God,
from the dreadful death by radiation.
1205
01:26:08,731 --> 01:26:10,149
Save us, oh, God,
1206
01:26:10,274 --> 01:26:13,611
...from the temptations
and perversions of the rubber.
1207
01:26:13,694 --> 01:26:17,114
Save me and I'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.
1208
01:26:17,198 --> 01:26:19,492
God, give me back my baby.
1209
01:26:20,367 --> 01:26:23,120
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed!
1210
01:26:23,204 --> 01:26:26,499
In the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.
1211
01:26:26,957 --> 01:26:28,459
Good, now well, um...
1212
01:26:28,542 --> 01:26:32,296
That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.
1213
01:26:32,838 --> 01:26:34,423
What? What? Lies!
1214
01:26:34,507 --> 01:26:36,217
Captain Bules Martin!
1215
01:26:36,634 --> 01:26:38,511
That's God, I recognise the voice.
1216
01:26:39,637 --> 01:26:43,307
A large brown substance
has come to our attention.
1217
01:26:53,901 --> 01:26:56,862
Bules, darling! Say something!
1218
01:26:57,321 --> 01:27:00,407
My God, Nigel! And alive!
1219
01:27:00,991 --> 01:27:03,828
You left me on a left luggage rack.
1220
01:27:03,911 --> 01:27:06,664
There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.
1221
01:27:06,705 --> 01:27:09,333
But apart from that,
there are no further charges against you.
1222
01:27:09,416 --> 01:27:13,212
Provided that you have the immediate funds
about your person, that is.
1223
01:27:13,337 --> 01:27:14,505
It is.
1224
01:27:15,214 --> 01:27:16,674
Is it?
1225
01:27:16,715 --> 01:27:19,677
- Another.
- Due?
1226
01:27:20,344 --> 01:27:23,681
I knew there was something in there.
I'm going to be another mummy.
1227
01:27:23,931 --> 01:27:27,852
I expect you may be wondering why
I've invited you all here this afternoon.
1228
01:27:28,185 --> 01:27:30,187
I've just come
from an audience with Her Majesty,
1229
01:27:30,229 --> 01:27:31,856
...Mrs Ethel Shroake.
1230
01:27:32,022 --> 01:27:35,067
And I'm empowered by her to tell you
that in the future,
1231
01:27:35,192 --> 01:27:39,530
...clouds of poisonous nuclear fog
will no longer be necessary.
1232
01:27:39,905 --> 01:27:42,408
Mutations will cease sine die.
1233
01:27:42,533 --> 01:27:45,536
And furthermore,
I'm the bringer of glad tidings.
1234
01:27:46,412 --> 01:27:48,706
A team of surgeons at
the Woolwich Hospital...
1235
01:27:48,789 --> 01:27:53,711
...have just accomplished the world's first
successful complete body transplant.
1236
01:27:54,378 --> 01:27:57,089
The donor was the entire
population of South Wales...
1237
01:27:57,214 --> 01:27:59,967
...and the new body is
functioning normally.
1238
01:28:00,384 --> 01:28:04,388
I myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.
1239
01:28:04,889 --> 01:28:10,060
All in all, I think we're in for a time
of peace, prosperity and stability,
1240
01:28:10,227 --> 01:28:15,441
...when the earth will burgeon forth anew,
the lion will lie down with the lamb,
1241
01:28:15,566 --> 01:28:18,402
...and the goat give suck to the tiny bee.
1242
01:28:18,736 --> 01:28:20,905
At times of great national emergency,
1243
01:28:20,988 --> 01:28:24,283
...you'll often find that
a new leader tends to emerge.
1244
01:28:24,783 --> 01:28:27,578
Here I am. So watch it.
1245
01:28:28,412 --> 01:28:31,248
Keep moving, everybody. That's the spirit.
1246
01:28:31,332 --> 01:28:33,083
Keep moving!
1247
01:28:54,939 --> 01:28:56,690
Come on, Sergeant.
1248
01:28:56,774 --> 01:28:59,277
Come on. Come on, Sarge. Come on, then.
1249
01:28:59,360 --> 01:29:02,029
Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.
1250
01:29:02,112 --> 01:29:06,033
This is BBC Television.
I have great news for the country.
1251
01:29:06,116 --> 01:29:08,827
Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.
1252
01:29:33,519 --> 01:29:37,147
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
1253
01:29:37,231 --> 01:29:41,318
♪ Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
1254
01:29:41,360 --> 01:29:45,197
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
1255
01:29:45,322 --> 01:29:49,493
♪ Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone ♪
1256
01:29:50,828 --> 01:29:51,829
Good night.
95290
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