Original subtitles

[SUGAR RAY'S "EVERY MORNING" PLAYING]

I am not looking forward to yearbook pictures tomorrow.

Every time I try to smile naturally,

I always end up doing this:

Come on, you're so photogenic.

Just make sure you show off your puka shells.

Hey, you know our senior quotes are due tomorrow, right?

Yeah. You remember our plan?

You still down to pick quotes for each other?

Actually, I think I found you one.

"We love the things we love for what they are."

You remembered I like Robert Frost.

Yeah.

I actually think I got one for you too.

"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take."

Wayne Gretzky.

I like that.

And I think future Peter will like that too.

Okay, I'm done with my profile. What do you think?

All right, let me see.

Really?

"I take the road less traveled."

I do.

Why won't you take my suggestion?

It's like, gold.

Like, pure gold.

Jo-wanna?

Yes. Jo-wanna date me?

That is just so bad.

Come on.

All guys love puns.

So bad.

Jo-wanna go get some sushi?

Jo-wanna get with me?

You need to stop.

Jo-wanna go to the movie--

[♪♪♪]

PETER: So you're done yet?

I'm not sure if it's ready.

Let me see.

Uh, here's your tip.

You don't wanna say you're DTF in your profile.

Why? Chloe said it means "Down To Flirt."

Being out of the country for seven years

has left you a little behind on the current lingo.

Whatever. You done with your profile yet?

No, I've been checking my fantasy league.

Are you serious? Peter, like--

We're supposed to do this together.

Motivate each other.

No, no, no, I want to. I...

just wanna meet someone in real life.

All right, well, I'm going live.

Ooh. Ready?

Wait. I feel really nervous.

Come on. No, it's okay.

Why am I nervous?

It's okay. Here we go.

Okay.

[BEEPS]

Chloe made it seem like people start messaging you,

like, right away, but...

Did you press the right button?

Uh-- Hey, hey, it's okay. It's...

Apps aren't for everyone--

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

Oh.

[BEEPING MORE RAPIDLY]

Oh, you know, I'll just...

cancel it.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Ah.

Oh, my gosh. What?

What, what?

Did you see Mark on there?

You-- Hey!

You don't wanna do apps.

You don't get to play this game.

Oh. Oh, oh, okay. All right.

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

Oh, wow.

All right. Well, I guess I'll leave you to it.

Happy swipin'.

Wow. Hello. Yes.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Man, I don't get you.

First, you make a pact with a girl not to date her.

Now you're telling me you don't wanna use dating apps?

I met all my girlfriends in real life.

Nobody does things IRL anymore.

Okay? That's why the term IRL exists.

Are you gonna help me out or not?

Yeah, I'm coming with the sniper. Go for the top.

Oh!

Man, you're asking me to do

something I haven't done since '07.

A time when phones were just phones.

Psh-- Are you scared?

You got no game without a phone?

[SCOFFS]

I've got game.

Okay.

Okay? Good techniques are timeless.

You know what, I'm gonna take care of you.

I'll take you to the spot.

It's got really good music, sexy bodies,

and it's members only.

Uh...I don't know about this.

Look, Peter,

You wanted off-app? This is off-app.

Let's go get some ladies. Heh, heh?

All right.

Why am I unpacking your things again?

Because I'm grading papers and shaping young minds,

and you're a very kind big sister.

Thank you.

[GROANS]

I hate this.

I feel so superficial.

All dating's a little superficial.

Yeah, but at a bar, you just...

kind of gaze past someone if you're not interested.

Here, I'm literally just swiping them away.

These are real people,

and I'm just treating them like they're disposable.

They are disposable. They're disposable humans.

Joanna, dating is a numbers game, okay?

You need to meet a lot of guys in order to find the right one.

Would you sample just one flavor at Froyo Life?

Absolutely not. You're gonna try 'em all,

and you're not gonna worry about

whether or not you're hurting boysenberry's feelings, okay?

Boysenberry should know that it's not for everyone.

I like boysenberry.

CHLOE: Do you?

'Cause Ryan is more like a... a plain tart.

Yeah, a tart with strawberries.

And mochi.

Joanna, you just moved back.

Why are you suddenly so anxious to find a date?

Did she not tell you about the pact?

What pact?

Oh, my God. Is this the high school pact

where you have to get married by the time you're 30?

Okay, yes, but... it's gonna be good.

Okay, it's just to help push us to get back out there.

You realize most people just date

without promising to marry a friend?

Oh, my gosh, Mark will not take a hint.

I'm clearly trying to ghost him,

and why can't he just accept that and move on?

I'm sorry, "ghost him"?

"Ghosting" is when you cease all contact. You just disappear.

It's moments like these that I'm so grateful to be married

and I don't have to deal with that stuff anymore.

You must miss it, like, a little bit, though, right?

The only drama I need or want in my life

is handcrafted by Shonda Rhimes.

On that note, some people need some flowers.

Peace, bitches.

Bye.

See you later.

LISA: Bye.

Okay, give me this.

Whoa, whoa. What-- What are you doing?

Go get ready. Four guys, 15 minutes each,

we're knockin' it out this afternoon.

Is that even possible?

Joanna, this is a dating application,

and these are thirsty dudes.

Yes, it's possible. I hope you're DTF.

Hey, I know what that means now.

[WEIGHTS CLANKING]

[♪♪♪]

Mark. What's up, man?

Hey, Todd.

All right, hear me out.

This month, 10 classes, only 5 grand. What do you say?

Wow. That is-- I am...

gonna think about that.

All right.

Well, you know where to find me.

What's up, man? I'm Todd.

I'm Peter.

Yeah.

You wanna get swole, bro?

Give me a call.

Thanks.

All right, guys. See you later.

What's up with that guy?

Oh, that's a...

walking douche-nozzle.

I take this free lesson with him,

and he just doesn't get off my back.

He's got me on that Peelio diet.

Aren't a lot of people on the Paleo diet?

No, no, no. Peelio diet.

It's where you only eat food that you peel.

I was only eating bananas, shrimp--

Ugh.

What is it?

It's Chloe. She's...

typing, but she's not sending anything.

She's dot-dot-dotting me, bro.

[SIGHS] Whatever, man.

Let's go home. I don't see any girls.

Hey-- Whoa, whoa, relax. What are you talkin' about, buddy?

It's the bottom of the hour.

Wait for it.

Wait for it...

Boom.

[♪♪♪]

Ugh-- Dude, what are you doing?

This is disinfectant spray. Jeez, it's in my eyes.

It's okay, you look hot and sweaty and ready.

What's up, ladies?

Curls for the girls, pink shirt, glasses.

Hey--

[WOMAN MUTTERING]

Well,

nothing says, "Please come talk to me,"

like a phone in the face.

Are they gone?

So your profile says you're a film connoisseur?

[CHUCKLES]

What's your favorite film?

I'd probably have to say When Harry Met Sally.

That is a...movie? It's not a film.

Uh, what's the difference?

Oh, God.

I'll make it 45 hundred.

I'm on the phone.

Forty-five hundred.

[MARK SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[EXHALES]

Do you work out here a lot?

[MUSIC PLAYS INDISTINCTLY]

Okay. Good talk.

So you must really be into jewelry.

I love the way a ring slides on and off my finger.

On and off...

On...

and off...

Hey, I-I love those glass water bottles.

You know, I heard the plastic ones were really bad for you.

I try to be super eco-friendly.

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to get into that.

I'm doing a beach cleanup. You should come.

I would love to.

It's at the, um...

[SNAPS]

Oh, what-- Babe?

What's that beach we're cleaning up this weekend?

It's okay. I-I-I recycle at home already.

You know, you're lucky I swiped right.

You only have one photo.

What's wrong with that?

The ideal number is five.

One smiling photo, one at a formal event,

one with your hot friends to show you're not a loner,

one duck face selfie, and one on the beach.

Ideally in a bikini and not a one-piece.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, I like your necklace.

Oh. Thanks. I made it myself.

Hey, this might be too forward, but, uh...

would you like to...

Are you asking me out on a date?

Yeah.

Why don't you be a regular person in 2016

and just be on an app?

Right.

Wow. You're, like, the first

normal guy I've met from online dating,

and it is such a relief.

Oh.

Yeah, God, there's just so many weirdos out there.

It can be really stressful.

Yes, totally.

What do you--? What are you doing on Saturday?

You know, I don't think I have plans.

I don't know if this is forward,

but would you wanna join me on a bit of a gathering?

A gathering.

A gathering of the Juggalos.

Juggalo...

Oh, you don't have to look it up. It's the Insane Clown Posse.

And it's not that insane. Those guys are sweet.

All right. Fill me in.

Rough.

I might've been wrong.

Me too.

Uh, I wanna get off apps.

I wanna get on the apps.

See, the problem with the apps though

is that there's too many choices.

Like, how can you ever find the good ones?

Yeah, we're a generation overrun with choice.

Seriously. Have you seen

how many types of Chex Mix there are?

It's unreasonable.

[♪♪♪]

Mm. I have an idea.

Maybe we could choose for each other.

Look. I could read men better, and you could read women better.

We could switch accounts and swipe for each other.

Okay, I can get onboard with this,

but if it doesn't work, I'm just gonna get a cat.

Mm-hm, it'll work.

Here. Take my phone.

Oh, God.

Look, it'll be fun if we don't know anything.

We tell each other where to go,

what time to be there, and a date will be waiting.

Okay, so, like, a blind date with a twist.

Mm-hm.

Hey, just don't make my date at a gym.

Apparently, my dead lift isn't very impressive.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm. Mm. This is really good, Mom.

Did you do anything different?

Yeah, she ordered in.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Oh!

A message on a dating app.

You're dating again?

Ooh, from a dude. Interesting.

Huh?

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

It's not what it looks like.

Joanna and I are just choosing dates for each other.

So you're open to finding a wife?

[GASPS]

What's going on?

She's been waiting for this moment.

Do not disappoint her.

Oh, this should be interesting.

I'm scared.

If you see a girl you like,

put her photo on the right.

if you see a girl you don't like,

put her photo on the left.

Mom, this is like live Tinder.

What's Tinder?

Where did you get these photos?

These are the daughters of friends from church.

I'll go print some more.

No, no, don't.

Aiya,

don't waste more ink.

I don't understand. You're doing all of these

lame, try-hard dating attempts because... why?

'Cause I'm supposed to be married by now.

That's what you're conditioned to believe in

because of society. See,

contemporary marriage derives from property exchanges

and women needing to be owned by men.

There's no real reason to do it. I mean, except for maybe taxes.

Really great having you back home.

You have someone else to annoy?

I do, actually.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

Tiffany, looking for a sugar daddy. Nope.

Melissa... "I love to laugh." Who doesn't love to laugh? What?

Oh, actually, this girl's really pretty.

That's a bot.

What?

Oh, my God, it would be so funny to set him up with a bot.

No, I couldn't do that to Peter.

No, he deserves someone sweet.

He's such a good guy.

It is hard out there for good guys...

because of girls like me.

Yeah. He hasn't dated in a while.

He needs to be eased back in. He needs someone safe

who can gently break the dating seal.

Ew.

Well, why don't you just look for somebody

who's perfectly average.

Just like 5'5", natural hair, no dye,

eyeliner, no shadow, just like, a really sweet, basic bitch

who I would never be friends with.

I hope that's helpful.

MARK: Well, it's been over a day.

Chloe keeps dot-dot-dotting me.

I will not be ghosted.

Okay, Casper.

Hey, tell me what you think about this guy.

What? Oh, my God.

It's for Joanna.

So not only are you not going out with Joanna,

but you're hooking her up with some dude?

What is this, like, a terrible reality TV show?

Okay, I know it sounds weird, but...

Uh-huh?

Eh-- Uh--

I just went along with the pact because...

Because...?

Because...

Because you're a nice guy. Ha, ha!

Yeah! And when a super-hot chick says, "Jump,"

a nice guy like you, Peter, is gonna say,

[DEMURELY]: "How high?"

What was I supposed to do?

Leave her hangin'? Or say,

"Hey, we haven't seen each other for 12 years. Be my girlfriend."

Dude, can you get off my back

and just help me swipe for Joanna?

I don't like to check out dudes, no thanks-- Oh, my God!

That dude needs some serious eyebrow fleeking.

He needs to see my guy.

Hm.

What a freak show.

Him?

This guy looks like a serial killer.

What are you doing? Look at that smile. He's like,

"I'm gonna kill you." No.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

You're trying to set her up with the super-sketchy dude.

That way, you look amazing-- No, no, wait. Let me finish.

Peter, this is genius. I like it. Nice.

That's not what I was trying to do at all.

But...it's not a bad idea.

Mm-hm.

Okay, I set her up on a bad date.

Then she'll think I'm awesome in comparison.

Right.

And then we'll go to the diner

and commiserate on our bad dates.

Then we'll call off the pact.

And I will ask her out.

Mm-hm. Yep. I like it.

It only took about five minutes to get there,

but at least you're asking her out. Okay, now,

she's setting you up on a date.

Who's this girl?

I mean, does it matter?

I mean, who can compete with Joanna? I'm sure it'll suck.

That's true. Okay. Awesome.

Now, we just need to find your guy.

Okay. Now, he can't be too awful,

because then she's gonna be onto you.

We need someone right in the middle.

A nice guy.

Decent-looking guy.

But what we need the most is a dud.

Do you have a dud?

I think I have a dud.

To setting each other up.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[BOTH CLEARING THROATS]

Ow,

Aah.

You know, I'm so glad we're doing this.

[EXHALES]

Although, you know,

if this goes poorly, it's your fault.

If it goes amazing, then I get all the credit.

I mean, it's probably not gonna be.

Well-- We should stay positive, right?

Although, you never really do know.

[LAUGHING] What are you...

Um, in any case,

do you wanna meet up at Sunny's afterwards to recap?

Deal.

[♪♪♪]

Joanna, right?

Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Todd.

Hey, good to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

All right.

Nice one, Peter.

[♪♪♪]

Peter? Hey.

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry. No, please sit.

I'm really sweaty, heh. Um...

Nice to meet you. I'm gonna use the restroom,

and I'll be right back.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm a personal trainer.

Oh, cool. Yeah.

I, uh, love gyms.

Oh.

And you also like to lie a little bit,

don't you?

I hate working out, actually.

No, seriously,

I had a really stressful job in finance,

and my getaway was to work out.

And then one day, I quit my job

and started pursuing something that I love.

That is awesome. And I know how you feel

because I was in finance for the past,

like, eight or nine years.

And I feel like, in finance,

my diet consisted of Cinnabons and Mountain Dew.

Yeah, I lived off of frozen pizza and Red Bull.

But you must eat much healthier now, I'm assuming.

See, not exactly, but my clients, right? They come in,

and they always wanna know the newest fad diet.

Right.

One of the guys came in,

and I completely played a prank on him,

and told him to go on the Peelio diet.

You mean, Paleo diet.

No. Peelio.

I literally convinced this guy

to only eat foods that he can peel,

so he was eating bananas, shrimp,

and like, hard-boiled eggs.

Wow, that's amazing. Ha, ha!

Sorry about that. There's a bit of a situation.

Lots of blood, but don't worry.

The little guy's fine now.

Uh, "lots of blood"?

"Little guy"?

You don't know what I do?

You must think I'm insane.

I'm doing my residency at L.A. Children's Hospital right now.

Oh, I-I had no idea.

You know, that's a-- That's a bold icebreaker.

Can't say I didn't make an impression.

Oh, wow.

I don't know what to get.

I want everything on the menu.

Yep. It all looks good.

So you said you didn't know what I did.

I'm guessing you didn't Google me?

[CHUCKLES]

I came in blind.

Wow.

That's super refreshing.

It's nice to let things unfold organically.

In real life, you know?

Yeah, it is.

Hey.

[SIGHS] What are you doing here in person?

Look, Chloe, we...

We can't connect through a screen protector.

There's a reason why I haven't been texting you back, okay?

Good night.

Whoa. Okay, look.

I will not be ghosted.

I know IRL can be uncomfortable,

but I decided it's worth being uncomfortable because I--

I missed you.

So I came to see you.

[SCOFFS]

No guy's ever shown up for me IRL before.

It's fairly creepy, but...

it's also kind of sweet.

I-- Well, I didn't think it was, like, that creepy.

But, yeah, go--

[♪♪♪]

Who you gonna call?

Don't-- No, don't.

Ghost--

Really? I thought maybe-- Okay.

No, don't do that.

Two brothers and one sister.

Yourself?

Only child.

Ah!

That's the best. I mean, all the attention's on you.

No, that's the worst! All the attention's on you.

[CHUCKLES]

No, you know, being part of a big family,

I always imagined myself with, like, at least two kids.

You?

Ah, you know, I'm just...

hopin' to get married first.

Wait. You really never thought about how many kids you want?

I mean, for me, I always imagined two boys

growing up with each other, always being there,

and then comes the youngest,

the girl. So as she grows up,

she has two brothers that look over her.

Wow.

That sounds like one big happy family.

♪ Na na na na ♪

So your dating profile said you work in apparel?

Yeah. I work for my parents.

Mainly kids apparel. It's not that exciting.

But that's awesome. You get to see your family all the time.

You grow up here in L.A.?

Born and raised.

Ah. Super jealous of your childhood.

I mean, you had the beach and Disneyland.

Still a season pass holder.

Oh, Peter,

I don't know how to break it to you,

but you don't need a pass for the beach.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, okay, thanks for the tip.

So, uh, how about you?

I grew up on the East Coast,

and then I came out here for school and never left.

The weather too good, right?

[CHUCKLES]

Sure.

But I feel like if you've lived in L.A.

for longer than three years,

and you still say the weather's the best part,

you have not had Korean barbecue,

and you've not been Downtown.

I 100 percent agree with that.

I mean, people always give me a hard time

for never leaving my hometown,

but it's L.A. I mean, we have everything here.

Yeah. Except for sane people.

[CHUCKLING] Wait, what?

The dating scene here?

Oh.

It's really hard to meet someone genuine, someone real.

Well, maybe because we all grew up goin' to Disneyland.

[LAUGHS]

Should we get another drink?

Yeah. Sure.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, I was just about to

get off this whole dating app thing,

but... you're the first person I've met

who hasn't made me wanna take a fake phone call.

Oh, there's-- There's still time for that.

[LAUGHS]

To be honest, this has been fun.

"You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take."

Ugh, that's so cheesy.

Sorry. I just...

I played a lot of sports growing up.

No, no, no, that-- That was my senior quote.

[LAUGHS]

JOANNA: Well, yeah,

it started out great, and then...

He got weird?

No.

I don't know. He-- You know, he's nice

and cute, but...

I don't know, maybe it just wasn't there for me.

There had to have been something wrong with him.

He was, like, talking about kids at one point.

That seemed a little quick.

I mean,

at this age, it's kind of fair game to talk about.

I mean, is the goal of the pact to get married, or do you just

not wanna be single, or...?

You know what...

maybe the pact's too confusing. Maybe I should just call it off.

What? Yesterday, you were all in. What happened?

I don't know. I thought the whole point of this was to just,

you know, be in the trenches with Peter, goin' on dates,

but I just wanna find a meaningful relationship.

You do realize in order to find a meaningful relationship,

you will have to go on dates.

Your plan seems a little flawed.

All I know is that I'm having

way more fun hanging out with Peter

than going on all these dates.

When he gets here, I'm gonna call it off.

Uh... so quick question. Is your ex named

Carl Ditani, and is he

getting married to an Allison Apticure?

Yeah, why?

Uh, a little crazy... I'm doing their wedding.

What?

But I totally can

mess with them. You know, like, do they have any allergies?

No, heh. You know, you don't have to do that.

Are you sure? 'Cause you don't know

what I can do with tulips.

You're crazy. Um, Peter just got here. I gotta go.

I'm gonna tell him. Okay? Bye.

[PHONE DISCONNECTS]

Whoa. Sorry I'm late.

It went longer than expected.

Ah! So did I pick a winner?

Actually, she was pretty great.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I was a little worried

when she showed up 15 minutes late and sweaty,

but it turns out that she was a doctor.

And we had fun getting to know each other.

Nice. Well, I'm happy to hear that.

How about you? How was Todd?

Um, he was all right. Um...

Really easy to talk to.

Mainly because he did most of the talking.

So you think you'll see him again?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know that he's for me,

but...maybe. We'll see.

[INHALES]

What about you and Sarah?

I don't know.

I haven't thought about it yet.

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Top 10 rides at Disneyland.

Oh, this is for you.

It's from the app.

Oh, that's hilarious.

It's from Sarah.

We kind of bonded over Disneyland.

Oh, okay, California Screamin'

should not be that high on the list.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Uh, I should sign off here.

This app.

Well, it seems like you guys had a really good time.

I feel like you should see her again.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, why not?

That's what the pact is about, right?

Yeah. I guess so.

It's funny.

Part of me wanted to call off the pact tonight.

But, like Sarah said,

"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take."

Yep.

That's right.

[♪♪♪]