Original subtitles

RuPaul: Previously on All Stars...

I got really close to picking your lipstick.

This imagery of you going to all the girls,

telling them to pick my name--

It's not real, I can tell you that.

I don't know how long they're gonna hold this grudge,

so I have to be perfect

or I'm gonna be the next one home.

For this week's maxi-challenge,

y'all need to serve up two fresh looks

for the Charles Family Backyard Ball.

-Ooh! -Oh!

This is definitely, like, high fashion,

so I'm excited for that.

I feel like this challenge

is, like, the Blair St. Clair challenge.

Miz Cracker.

Overall tonight, from the barbeque to the outfits,

you were actually my favorite.

Blair St. Clair.

This runway look, it's looking a little messy to me.

Alexis Mateo.

The character in the beginning, I felt a little let down by her.

I just felt like it was kind of flat.

Miz Cracker, con-drag-ulations.

You are the top All Star of the week.

If you're not the top All Star, you are in the bottom.

Based on the report card,

it would have to be Alexis and Blair in the bottom.

I'm not looking at who's my best friend.

I'm looking at who's a powerhouse.

It's scary to think that this could be my last day.

It means everything to me to stay.

This dream turned into a nightmare real fast.

Ru-veal yourself!

-Oh! -[laughs]

Roxxxy Andrews, you are a winner, baby.

The $10.000 will roll over into next week's tip.

Which queen has the group chosen to get the chop?

Alexis.

Alexis, sashay away.

Ugh.new

Wow.

[exhales]

I am feeling all the emotions right now.

Girl.

Happy, scared, upset, thankful, grateful.

Um, congratulations, Miz Cracker.

Girl, that was a lot.

We lost a great competitor.

-We really did. -And friend.

Let's just lay that out there.

Like, Alexis is incredible.

Absolutely.

I am really glad that it worked out the way it did,

because I did not want that decision on my shoulders.

What decision did you make?

I...

I really wanted to avoid an awkward moment.

But I thought long and hard about my decision, and...

The lipstick that I chose...

was Alexis.

I wanna punch you in the face so hard right now,

because you really made me think like you chose me or her or her.

Aw, I just wanna hug you.

I was like, what awkward moment?

For real!

You really had me going for a second,

because I really thought

you were heavily considering sending me home.

I feel like you may have been nervous

because we've had friction before,

and we have our problems every day because we're so different.

But I was just putting all that in the waste bin, you know,

and just really thinking about

is this a person that can bring the future of drag?

Well, thank you so much.

I want to see what's inside the box.

Do you want me to...

Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes. -What's in the box?

Let's have a look.

[whispers] Oh, my gosh, I'm so nervous.

Alexis.

Alexis.

Alexis.

And Blair,

which is most likely from Alexis.

Yeah.

Makes you realize

that, like, this all can go away in seconds.

But I'm seriously so grateful to you guys.

You are a fierce queen, you're a fierce competitor,

and every single week I'm always excited to see what you do,

and I wanted to see more.

Thank you.

And also, maybe just a little bit on a personal note,

there was this piece of me,

I was just like this is a little bit of self preservation, too.

I feel like there

is still so much left un-figured-out with Alexis.

But I do feel a sense of relief

knowing that I don't have to look over my shoulder.

I do want to say that I am so proud of all of us.

Yeah, girl.

Repeat after me. We are the top four.

All: We are the top four!

Now, with that said, there's just one crown.

And y'all bitches know me.

I am going to fight until the end.

I ride the subway in New York.

-So I fight every day. -In drag.

In drag.

And just because I have not won a challenge,

do not count me out.

-We don't. -Nobody's counting you out.

You're in the top four, bitch.

Because, bitch, I am still here

with the same drive, passion, and desire.

Good.

I feel like there's big goggles on me

to win this next challenge,

because I need that to get to the finale.

I need that to get to the end.

All I'm saying is

don't nobody throw no pearls out there on the stage.

No, I'm just gonna put some glass shards in your makeup.

When I tell you it is going to be a race to the finish line,

it is going to be a full gallop.

I am still wearing this hair. I don't care what anyone says.

RuPaul: The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics,

a coveted spot in the Drag Race Hall of Fame,

and a cash prize of $100.000.

With our extra-special guest judges

Sam Richardson

and Jane Krakowski.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best woman ♪

♪ Best woman win ♪end teaser

-Bam! -Ladies and gentlemen,

it is the top four,

and this group of girls is fierce.

"Love you all, bam.

"Be your best, but be happy..."

-"Happy." -"Ass."

[all laugh]

"All Stars 5," dummy.

-"AS5." -I saw "ass" at first, too.

-Me, too. -I'm, like, "Ass?"

I love ass!

Sickening, no?

The four girls that are here,

this is exactly what I saw from day one.

And it's happening.

Like my ruffles, let's gather.

Yes!

Yeah.

This week for Ru it may come down to a lock of hair,

a seam, a stumble, a slip, a stutter.

They're looking at the nitty-gritty,

little, tiny details.

You know, may be the best woman win.

[alarm]

RuPaul: Ooh, girl!

She done already done had herses.

Hey, All Stars.

-Hey. -'Sup?

A queen walks out of a bar

and into the Drag Race Hall of Fame.

But first, she's gotta put her money where her funny is.

And I'm not jokin', bitch.

Where are the jokes?

-Oh, my gosh. -Comedy?

You're the comedy queen, girl.

-Yes. -Yes.

-This is a lot of pressure. -Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hello, hello, hello!

-Oh, hello! -Ooh!

And then there were four.

Wow, we are down to it.

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you'll face off in a standup comedy smackdown.

Oh! [all laugh]

#AllStars5.

Each of you needs to work up a comedy routine

that is jam-packed with jokes.

Yuk-yuks. You know, ha-has?

Hee-hee-hee-hee. I'm drinking champagne.

[chuckles]

Now, later today, you'll try out your material

with the hilarious Ross Mathews and...

a mystery funny lady.

Oh.

And tomorrow, you'll perform in front of a live audience

at RuPaul's Shady Shack.

It's right off Route 5.

Route 5.

Now, Miz Cracker, you were the top All Star last week,

so you get to choose the order in which the queens appear.

Woof.

And remember, this is the challenge

that determines who makes it to the grand finale of All Stars,

which is no laughing matter.

[laughs]

Or is it?

I feel very attacked.

All Stars, start your engines, and may the best woman win!

[laughter and applause]end act

Okay.

Oh, we have little notebooks and everything.

This week's maxi-challenge is a standup comedy smackdown.

This decides who's going to make it to the finale.

Your girl is not the most confident about doing standup.

I mean, Juju is really funny, Cracker is hilarious.

She does standup in her show all the time.

Blair has been cracking the judges up all season.

But for me, having to, like, structure and write jokes

is not necessarily my forte.

So this is definitely going to be a challenge.

So anybody coming up with any fun jokes?

Knock, knock.

-Who's there? -Who's there?

Nobody.

-Nobody who? -Nobody who?

Nobody, 'cause I'm so lonely.

Oh, wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jujubee.

-[laughs] -Girl.

Honestly, I think Blair could win this,

because all she has to do for five minutes is this:

Shh!

[all laugh] And RuPaul's just gonna slap.

Don't give away my secrets!

I have not been known to be a comedian,

but I'm embracing my funny.

What you got?

Because not only am I hungry for a win right now,

I'm starving for it. I need it.

I depend upon a win right now to survive in this competition.

-So, Miss Director. -Yes.

You wanna tell us what order we're going in?

As the winner of last week's challenge,

I get to pick the order of performers.

So guess what? Nobody's getting a good spot.

Girl, I could pretend that I don't know what I'm doing,

and I'm just, like, trying to decide.

But I immediately knew what I wanna do.

Now, I wanna start by saying that everyone can shine

no matter where they are in the show.

But as your sister,

I want to try to fuck you guys up as much as possible.

Understandable.

So I think the worst place to be in a comedy show is opening,

because everyone's been sitting there

waiting for the show to start.

And they are, like, deciding

whether they wanna have a good time or not at all.

So I'm gonna put Juju in the beginning,

because you are so strong,

I wanna put you in the toughest position.

-Great. Thank you. -Yeah, you're welcome.

Miz Cracker, ooh, shady.

Blair, you've been extremely funny this season,

which pisses me off.

So the best thing I can do to you

would be to put you right after Juju,

who's also been very consistently funny.

Hopefully that will intimidate you and blah, blah, blah.

[stammers and coughs]

Girl!

And if you trip, I will look good after you.

I'm gonna go when everyone's warmed up.

I'll be the third one.

And then last of all,

I wanna put you,

because no matter how well you do,

-Uh-huh. -in people's minds,

they'll be like, oh,

am I just remembering her because she was the last one?

And they may discount and discredit what you accomplished.

Yeah. Gorgeous.

I actually see true colors coming out now.

Yeah.

This is a competition.

I'm sorry if some people's toes are getting stepped on,

but I don't want any other feet in the spotlight.

All's fair in love and war...

-Okay. -Whew.

...and definitely Drag Race.end act

[gasps] Oh, my gosh, hi!

-Juju, Jane. Jane, Juju. -Hi, Jane.

-So nice to meet you. -It's great to see you.

Are you ready to 30 Rock your tight five?

It's time for my rehearsal, and who's there?

None other than legendary actress

and famous funny lady Jane Krakowski.

Whoa. Her eyes.

Where do I buy eyes like that? Because I want a set.

I'm opening up the whole show

because Miz Cracker won last week's challenge

and she chose me to open up.

I actually think that's an asset to you tomorrow.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Because you set the stage

for where the jokes in your set are gonna be.

They're not gonna get compared to anybody else's,

and I think that's a great advantage.

Okay. That's really good to hear,

because I thought she was setting me up.

Ha ha ha ha. Ooh, Miz Cracker,

you thought you was gonna get me, bitch.

You helped me out, sister.

What's the plan?

All right, so... [clears throat]

[both laugh]

-Already funny. -I am Jujubee.

You may know me from that one time you had sleep paralysis.

Wait, sleep paralysis?

Yeah.

Okay, what do you mean by that?

Like, I'm the monster in the corner of the room.

Okay. [laughs] I didn't get that, you know?

-Yeah, I didn't get it, either. -Okay, okay.

Keep going. I wanna see more.

You may know me from the STDs that I gave you.

-I wouldn't open with the STD. -Okay.

Let us learn something else about you first.

That's what they tell me on my dates.

You shouldn't lead with the STDs.

A lot of the jokes aren't landing

the way that I think that they would,

because I feel like maybe those jokes

would work in a room of six people, you know?

A quiet room of six people.

Maybe my cats.

Do you have other jokes, too?

Can we go to maybe a different section?

Okay, so I'll go to this part.

I'm 35, single, emotionally unavailable.

The type of guy I'm really attracted to

is the kind that'll steal my money and help me look for it.

I'm also really broke, and I love scavenger hunts.

[all laugh]

And it's all part of one joke.

I know. I don't know if it's working or not

because I'm laughing.

Is that too much, or was it not enough or...

I just-- I don't know that I--

They're complicated.

They are complicated.

But it's a different style comedy,

and I don't know if that's what you wanna do

in this challenge or in this room.

People have to really listen.

Just remember the formula of funny.

-Okay. -You gotta set us up,

you gotta surprise us,

and you gotta land a punch line.

Well, now I'm worried.

No, don't be worried, and don't be nervous.

You have it naturally in you, so I think you need to trust it.

I feel like Juju

has to work on the structure of some of her jokes.

I actually liked the intellect

and the thought that were behind it,

but as of today they weren't fully realized.

Make us laugh tomorrow.

I will make you cry.

With laughter. [laughs]

-Hello. -Hello.

Aah! Oh, my gosh, hi!

Hi.

I am a big follower of yours on Instagram.

Oh, I'm a follower of yours, too.

-The feeling's mutual! -[laughs]

It's the most beautiful Instagram feed I've ever seen.

I didn't know you could take such beautiful photographs.

Blair, I know you don't think of yourself as a comedy queen.

Girl, I'm nervous. Not gonna lie.

Comedy is not necessarily my sixth sense.

Well, you've been really stepping into your own

this whole season, so now is your chance

to show us that you've got comedy chops as well.

Yeah, and I think I do. I know I do.

Well, why don't we stop talking about it and start doing it?

So Jujubee is right before me,

so I would like to kind of segue off of her into myself.

Thank you, Jujubee. Nice try.

[both laugh] Already funny.

Okay.

Simple, great, funny.

And you're gonna get the audience to laugh right away,

and that is crucial, because then they trust you.

Right.

-Great beginning. -Okay.

I really wanted to educate everyone

on one of my favorite people.

Unfortunately she was unavailable,

-so Ross Mathews will do. -That's great.

Now, I know people might be wondering who is Ross Mathews?

Careful.

-I know. -No, I'm kidding.

-No, go there! -This is out of love.

I'm just kidding, go there.

Ross Mathews is so gay...

How gay is he?

The only thing higher than his voice is his estrogen level.

Aah! This is good!

-Good! -It's quite impressive

that you've got so many jokes there.

Well done.

The game has been so upped.

She just gets better and better and better,

and I was so impressed

with how much material she came out with today.

Thank you guys so much. Thank you.

Hello, Cracker.

-[laugh] -No!

Say hi to Jane Krakowski.

This is one of those times

where they do, like, a special cutaway

to where I talk about how much I love you.

I love Jane Krakowski.

She's a legend.

She's funny, she can sing, she can dance the house down.

Pleaser boots, she's amazing.

So first of all,

I wanna know is that entire workbook all material?

Yeah, this is, like, my brain.

That's amazing.

I love comedy so much.

This is your challenge, right?

-Yeah, yeah. -So what are you gonna do?

I kind of wanna come out and give them, like, a TED talk.

-Can you give us a sample? -Show us what you got.

I wanna make sure we're on the same page

about what is drag.

What I want you to know about drag

is that it is anybody

who feels like there is no such thing as too much.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

It's been a bit since we've had a joke.

-Yeah. -I think it's really wise

to get a joke in right away

because it'll then make us comfortable

and ready to laugh for the rest of your set.

Give us a little more.

I can't believe

that you guys have come out of your house to see this.

If you wanna see a bunch of rich people

pretend to hate each other for money,

why don't you watch Congress on C-SPAN at home for free?

Too topical?

Too--yeah, I don't know.

There's a lot of words.

You know what I'd love to see you do in this challenge?

-Make yourself laugh. -Yeah.

Do you know what I mean by that?

It's like when you see a comic up there

who kind of is really enjoying themselves,

we can't help but laugh.

I also wanna say I want you to be in it.

Don't just recite the jokes.

Miz Cracker is a very, very funny queen, right?

Yes.

But she is also a very, very thoughtful queen

in that she has so many thoughts.

She's gotta get out of her own way

and just be funny.

The only thing between you and winning this week

is gonna be you.

-Okay. -Okay?

-Bye, Cracker. -Bye!

-Bye! -Mwah!

[whispers] Oh, they're all so sweet.

I just want them all to do so well.

Because I think there's nothing more frightening

than having to stand in front of a mic

and just bare your soul

and hopefully be funny and make up jokes.

Oh, and by the way, if you bomb, the entire world's gonna see it.

Right, right.

I have a lot of nerves,

because most of my funniness comes from dialogue

versus, like, having to sit down

and, like, write and structure jokes,

and make sure there's a punch line.

That's a completely--

Complete different thing.

-Different thing. -Yeah.

The nerves can give you adrenaline,

but you don't want the nerves

to put a wall up between you and the audience.

Why don't you show us a little bit of what you have planned?

Okay. Well, if you don't already know,

my name is Shea, Miss Couleé if you're nasty.

I am an Aquarius.

My favorite color is fluorescent beige.

I'm fond of toy poodles,

and I love long, romantic walks to the bank.

-Okay. -Um... [chuckles]

Ross and Jane are, like ha ha ha ha.

They're not really laughing.

It's more so like, that was a nice effort.

Do you have any comedic heroes

or comedic styles that you want to emulate?

Um...

You know what Whoopi Goldberg's so good at

is when she talks to the audience,

she really has this way of just saying,

"Man, this happened to me, man, and it was..."

And we can all relate.

I think you kind of have that quality, too.

That's a wonderful reference.

Yeah, you see that in--

So it might be interesting to make some jokes

about your experience and that epic moment with Sasha Velour.

It's very unique to you.

I still haven't been able

to quite laugh about that experience yet.

Shea, you've already come here,

and middle-finger up to that experience, right?

You've proven it, you've won challenges

by looking that experience in the face.

The next phase of your whole process

could maybe be laughing about it.

And you might get the audience to go, "Oh, she went there?"

If Shea allows herself to go there,

Shea could go all the way.

I'd like to see you get to that point in your process,

and I think you're there, babe.

Okay. I've definitely been, like, healing

from the disappointment that I felt from Season 9.

But to take those moments that have been triggering

and find a way to turn them into a punch line,

I'm, like, am I ready for that?

Bye.end act

Let's go, funny ladies!

Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.

Today we are performing a comedy.

Pblblblblbl.

Today we are performing a comedy routine

at RuPaul's Shady Shack.

Cut the pickle! Cut the pickle!

Come on, baby, cut the pickle!

Tickle, tickle!

After the coaching session with Jane and Ross,

I am ready to take on the world.

Yeah, I'm, like, scared,

but I'm also not gonna fuck up in front of Jane Krakowski.

Are these mine?

Oh, yeah, they're mine.

[belch]

Wow. I'm sorry.

I had some Tums and ginger ale.

I'm so nervous. [laughs]

My stomach has been in knots since yesterday afternoon.

[belch]

Ross and Jane basically asked me to start from scratch,

and I was not able to come up with any material

until this morning.

[belch]

Oh, wow.

So I'm completely freaking out.

What you wearing that for, Miss Thang?

I'm wearing this for the challenge.

What?

Girl, I am stir-fried, shaken.

Just because I look beautiful doesn't mean I'm gonna be funny.

If my comedy is not going to be that good,

I might as well look drop-dead gorgeous.

So how was your rehearsal yesterday with the coaches?

I had so much fun. They were cackling.

They were saying, like, you have material, you have jokes.

They were, like, just narrow down on your best jokes,

because I have a lot of material.

But, like, just have fun, let loose,

and just enjoy the time you're onstage.

"Oh, my God, they loved me.

"They couldn't stop laughing.

I have too much material."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Bitch.

I kind of feel like maybe I was a little hard on you

when I thought you were trying to set me up to fail.

I think it was more of a gift,

because I get to go out there, be the first one,

set the tone, make people laugh,

and y'all bitches have to follow me.

So your jokes have to hit as hard as mine.

Mm-hmm.

When I told everyone their placement,

people acted like

I was planning to unplug the spotlight during their set.

I'm like, no, I am definitely throwing a challenge your way,

but each spot has its own advantage.

I think you underestimate me, because you put me before you.

So I think you should watch out, girl.

My rehearsal with Ross and Jane felt great,

and being comfortable onstage and delivering a routine,

no problem.

I'm a theater queen.

I'm so thrilled to be going last.

Truly, honestly, I couldn't thank you enough.

Like, honestly?

-No. [laughs] -Oh.

I think this is the scaredest I've been

this entire competition, because here we are, like, at the end.

You know, last time I was in the top four.

Um...

didn't quite make it past that.

We're so close to the finish line,

and I do not wanna get close

like I did in Season 9 and choke.

Seriously, if I bomb this,

it could potentially be enough for these other queens

to be, like, well, guess we can send her home.

So all I keep telling myself is I can do this.

I have to do this.end act

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪

And what?

[applause]

Welcome to the main stage of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars.

My favorite punch line, Michelle Visage.

You know any good jokes?

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

-I don't know? -Eleph-ino.

[all laugh]

The hilarious Ross Mathews.

Hey, Ru, what do gay horses eat?

I don't know. What do gay horses eat?

Hay, girl, hay!

[all laugh]

The fabulous Sam Richardson. Welcome.

Ru, how many drag queens does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know. How may drag queens

does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, actually. One to screw it in,

another one to say, "Hey, you're in my light, bitch."

[all laugh]

-That would be me. -Exactly.

And from the series Dickinson, the luminous Jane Krakowski.

Now, Jane, I hear

you're fighting off a case of laryngitis?

I'm allergic to wig dander.

[all laugh]

Well, you in trouble, girl.

Ru, why did the blonde drag queen cross the road?

I don't know. Why did the blonde drag queen cross the road?

Because she's a whore.

[all laugh]

I know her!

This week, we challenged our drag queens

to tickle us with their funny bones,

as they face off in a standup comedy smackdown.

And on the runway, category is Ah, Freak Out.

All Stars, start your engines, and may the best woman win.

[cheers and applause]

From RuPaul's Shady Shack,

welcome to the standup comedy smackdown,

with beverages provided by Mickey's West Hollywood.

And heeere's Jujubee!

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to RuPaul's Shady Shack.

It's the grand opening, okay?

And I wanna say I am so happy to see all of you here.

I see some new faces, I see some old faces,

I see some new old faces.

Work. No, really, like, lots and lots and lots of work.

Shea, your lips.

Michelle, your titties.

And you over here,

I know them shoulders are fake, baby.

You weren't born with those shoulders.

Mm-hmm.

Ross, I am so glad you're here tonight.

People don't know that you actually wrote a book.

-Mm-hmm. -Oh, sorry, wait, wait, wait.

Blair, so a book is a whole bunch of pages with words.

Ross, you know I love you and I did try to buy your book online,

and it basically said people who bought this book

also searched for chardonnay, lip gloss,

a life.

[all laugh]

Anyway, I noticed that Gwyneth Paltrow

wrote the intro to your book.

Isn't it upsetting that the lady

who could convince millions of women out there

to stick stones in their pussy

still not be able to convince them to buy your book?

[all laugh]

Ah, that's great!

I wish I had one blonde joke, but she's sitting over there.

[all laugh]

Now, I think I've been a little harsh tonight,

but you know what?

This ain't RuPaul Best Friend Race.

Michelle already won that.

[all laugh]

And Michelle, I think of you like I think of my mom.

Resentfully.

[all laugh]

I'm Jujubee. Good night!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Jujubee.

Nice try.

Oh!

Michelle Visage is here.

I've been told by many

that she's the first lady of Jersey.

The very first.

Of all time.

Sounds right.

Now, I can't really make fun of age.

I mean, people say all the time, "Blair, you look so young!"

But I am a grown gay man, and I do eat ass.

Ooh!

With the crust cut off.

Now, speaking of crusty assholes,

Sam Richardson is here tonight, everyone!

[all laugh] Hi.

That's all.

And Jane Krakowski, it is so inspiring

to have you with us tonight as well.

You know, I just can't understand

how you keep escaping from the old folks home.

Ross is so important to the show.

I mean, it only took 10 years of constant appearances

for RuPaul to finally make him a permanent judge on the show.

I mean, what, was Todrick Hall busy?

I'm just kidding.

I think what you do here is so valuable.

I mean, every Destiny's Child needs its Michelle.

And every judging panel needs that one person

to make the guest judges feel just that much more famous.

Oh, I do declare, this is a dumpster fire.

If you loved me tonight, my name is Blair St. Clair,

and if you hated me, it's Derrick Barry.

[scattered applause]

Oh, my goodness!

Hello!

My name is Miz Cracker, and I am so happy to see people.

I don't know if you know this,

but if you are a Drag Race contestant,

they do not let you socialize, like, at all.

They say this is, like, the Olympics of drag. No.

This is like Gay-tanamo Bay.

Please! Please help me!

I am a New Yorker, but, like, not in a mean way.

I am a Jeeew,

so I get to say it that way. You do not.

[all laugh]

But most importantly, I am a drag queen.

I've been telling these girls from the beginning,

like, let's just be nice to each other tonight,

but I guess I'm like Shea Couleé's music,

because nobody listens to me, do you know what I'm saying?

[all laugh]

There's this stereotype that drag queens

have to be, like, beautiful in their makeup

and glamorous and everything,

but that is not necessarily true.

Look at Juju, okay?

[all laugh] Look at her!

What was I saying?

Oh, right, humility and love, that's where it was.

[all laugh]

Also, I am against body shaming completely.

Because I was a chubby kid,

and I know what body shaming can do to a person, you know?

It works, yeah! Aow! Aow! Opulence!

Everything you see is on sale, yeah!

Thank you, everybody, so much.

Whoo!

Appreciate you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, everybody. How you doing tonight?

Oh, come on, you guys can do better than that.

You had Miz Cracker's entire set to take a nap.

Come on, so how you doing tonight?

[cheers and applause] Oh, that's so much better.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we got the lovely Miss Blair St. Clair here,

and, you guys, I don't wanna ruin too much,

but she had a bit of a rough week last week.

She failed her driver's test.

[all laugh]

Miz Cracker. Make some noise for her.

[applause]

I love her. She's just--

She's just so animated, larger than life.

It's like she's a living, breathing puppet, you know?

She's got this big head and these tiny little feet,

and only becomes animated when you put your fist in her.

[all laugh]

Yeah, yeah.

Has anyone in here ever been robbed before?

Well, I have.

And no, I'm not talking about the finale of Season 9.

[all laugh] But for real, you know,

it's been quite an interesting journey for me.

I've been going to therapy, and for the longest time,

I thought that therapy was just for white people with money,

and I was wrong.

It is also for Black people...with money.

[all laugh]

But it's kind of embarrassing to tell your therapist

that rose petals are one of your triggers, you know?

For real, like,

rose petals have been following me around

for the past three years

like I'm James Earl Jones in Coming to America.

The only difference? He had a crown.

[all laugh]

Thank you so much.

That's all the time I have for tonight.

[cheers and applause]

Whoo!

♪ Everyone can be someone ♪

Category is Freak Out.

Let your freak flag fly.

First up, Jujubee.

Michelle: Oh, my God, you guys, we found the missing link.

[all laugh]

She's definitely got a point.

Jujubee: This look has a broken heart,

but it's healing.

And when I take the mask off,

you see there's still emotion behind this monster.

And these shoes are 10 inches,

and I can only take seven...

on a good day.

She has such a checkered past and present.

Jester? I barely know her.

[all laugh]

I do declare, Blair St. Clair.

Michelle: Somebody's getting some tail tonight.

Ross: You guys, she's spotting.

Blair: I'm giving you feline cat fantasy

meets the Blair St. Clair experience.

I have a Velcro harness on, and who does not want a tail?

This is my Alice in Wonderland Cheshire Cat on acid.

Purr-fect for a party rave.

This is what my cat thinks it looks like.

[all laugh]

No Dalmatians or Muppets

were harmed in the making of this costume.

RuPaul: Miz Cracker.

Michelle: What is she crowing about?

Ross: Edgar Allen Ho.

Cracker: My look today

is a post-apocalyptic steampunk death mask,

and underneath is this very sexy woman

who's here to seduce anyone that sees her.

Ross: I've heard of a scarecrow.

This is a Cher-crow.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul imitates Cher] Schnap out of it!

Michelle: Do you believe in the apocalypse?

RuPaul: Shea Couleé.

Michelle: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,

the Gay Years.

[all chuckle]

RuPaul: Scam money don't make money,

but freak money do.

Shea: I'm serving you some nineties raver realness.

Hand-dyed Mongolian lamb coat,

my beautiful bondage Cookie Monster platform shoes,

my pupils are real huge,

and I'm just dancing to the music,

having a good-ass time.

Ross: She is schooling the kids with those pupils.

[all chuckle]

The heels have eyes.

[all laugh]end act

Welcome, freaks.

It's time for the judges' critiques,

starting with Jujubee.

Hi, mama.

This is just phenomenal.

From your eye makeup to under your eyes,

the top of your head to your toes,

I love the clashing patterns.

It's just really fun and really freaky.

It's the best chainbow I've ever seen in my life.

Sorry, a sea witch stole my voice.

[all laugh]

-I'm right here. -Her name's Michelle.

With your standup,

I've told you a few times in this competition

how funny I think you are.

However, I think in the beginning of your routine

I felt the jokes kind of not there.

It seemed like you were just telling the truth,

but it doesn't seem like a joke.

And I think it took the audience a bit to get on board with that.

But, girl, you really got your momentum

by the end of that performance,

especially I think when you started coming after me.

You read Miss Thing so well today.

Sorry.

Hey, I would do the same thing.

If I was roasting you,

I'd make fun of your bestselling book.

[all laugh]

Oh!

If you had one.

But that's the whole point.

Funny's funny, you know? It didn't matter.

Nobody's feelings are getting hurt here.

It was hilarious.

Thank you, Juju.

Thank you, Ru.

I declare, Blair St. Clair.

[purrs]

I love your runway look tonight.

-Oh, thank you. -I think it's so fun.

It fits the theme of freak out so well, and it's elevated.

There's fashion in here.

I love your hair and makeup.

Reminds me of a young Siouxsie Sioux.

I am so interested to know what your dreams are like.

[all laugh] Oh, they can be kind of dirty.

Your comedy, um,

I think in your case, Blair,

it was a case of over-preparation,

because you did not take your eyes off of that pad.

You were literally looking and doing this.

What it felt like was once you got through a joke,

you went slightly panicked to try to turn the page.

And there were moments of silence, unfortunately.

I think that book would have made a great bunch of tweets.

[all laugh]

You know?

But, like, in person, you have an audience here,

so, like, make sure they're on board.

It's a relationship.

Also, there is a difference in roasting and just mean.

Some of the comments to the guest judges were just mean.

And at one part, I just kind of felt bad for you.

Miz Cracker is whacker.

Whacker every day.

I was so afraid that Miz Cracker

would once again get in her own way,

but it was so fun to watch you do your thing.

You were hilarious.

You commanded the stage. You came out with energy.

You had the audience in the palm of your hands from the get.

And all your jokes were the sort of compliment/insults

which are manipulative in the best way.

Oh, my goodness.

See? You're working it right there.

[all laugh]

Your comedy was funny.

You seemed very much at ease on that stage.

I loved that jumpsuit.

You were in your element,

and watching you be so good at it,

I sort of pictured myself

living happily with you, me, and Ross as a thruple.

[all laugh] Oh, my goodness.

So ready.

I think I'm the top.

[all laugh]

That's funny. Tell another one.

[all laugh]

The runway look is very different

than everybody else's interpretation of freaky.

I was kind of going for, like, what if death was a ho?

I'll clue you in. Death is a ho.

She gets around, you know?

It definitely was freaky for me,

and it seemed very unique to you.

And you are so unique.

I think this was exactly what you needed to do

at this point in the competition, Cracker.

Thank you.

Up next, Shea Butter Couleé.

Hey!

Tonight on the runway, this is kind of freaky,

but it's kind of safe, Shea.

I've seen you do some really crazy stuff.

For me, a unitard with a harness over it

and a multicolor jacket with some platforms

is not really the craziest you could do.

I actually agree with Michelle.

Your look is really fun.

You could see this in the club.

It's just not elevated like the other girls.

Okay.

Let's talk about the comedy challenge.

For starters, that red dress was, like, what?

Oh, my God.

I would love to borrow it sometime.

We could talk about that later.

Now, for your standup, terrific.

Like, such confidence.

It was your turf.

I was so impressed that you had memorized it,

that you didn't have your cards.

We talked in rehearsal about your point of view.

And your POV right now

is working out that loss against Sasha Velour.

And when we get to the point where we can laugh about it,

it cleanses us of it.

By opening up your heart and your vulnerability,

we were able to laugh with you,

and it was really beautiful to see.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies. I think we've heard enough.

Based on the judges' critiques, I've made some decisions.

Miz Cracker.

Con-drag-ulations. You're the top All Star of the week.

[applause]

Thank you all.

You've won an amazing eight-night South African safari

and wine country adventure,

courtesy of South African tourism.

A lifelong dream.

Now, ladies, if you're not the top All Star,

you're in the bottom.

[exhales]

Miz Cracker, you need to decide

which of the bottom queens to send home

if you win the lip sync

against this week's lip sync assassin.

The rest of you need to vote

for which bottom queen you think deserves the chop.

Thank you, ladies. You may leave the stage.end act

[whistles] Girl.

Mm, yeah.

You made it?

When I hear that I'm the winner, I think two things.

First of all, eee, I did it!

I did the thing!

And second of all, if I win this lip sync,

I'm gonna have to vote someone off today.

I love every one of these girls,

but it's not about that today.

This vote is about who I wanna go up against in the finale.

-Congratulations, Miz Cracker. -Yeah, girl.

Again, congratulations, Miss Thang.

-Two weeks in a row. -Thank you.

Hands down, you deserved to win.

-Absolutely. -Look at this hand.

What, these peasant fingers?

Oh, my goodness.

Watching you, I was angry at myself.

Because watching you, I was, like,

Cracker is being Cracker at a show.

And I was, like, ugh.

I wish I was Blair at a show today.

I completely and totally choked

right before this last elimination.

It is time for that last vote.

Ugh.

We're all gonna vote today.

Which sucks.

-Yeah. -Ugh.

It's gonna pain me to pick a lipstick.

I know, me, too.

We all have to think about this.

I don't think it's necessarily fair to just go on wins.

I know. I don't, either.

And I think an All Star is someone

that doesn't necessarily have to win every challenge,

doesn't necessarily have to be the top.

And I feel like in this competition we've all grown,

but I feel like I've had, like, this immense growth.

And I've dedicated my entire heart and soul

to be in the end.

I'm not done, because I'm conquering still.

You continue to surprise everyone,

and all of us want to see more.

I feel like it is Blair's time to go.

She was the weakest this week,

and of the track records of the remaining queens,

she just doesn't stack up.

But I'm just hoping that we're all kind of on the same page,

because if not, who knows how this could go?

I think I should stay here because, um...

I went through a really difficult and dark time.

I built up this humongous dream with these huge expectations,

and I worked really hard, and I got really close.

And there was a point

where I didn't know if I would get over that hurt.

But I've worked on myself a lot,

and I want this

more than anything that I've ever wanted in the world.

Yeah.

Vivacious.

Okay, well, I've worked my ass off,

and the drag queen that sits right here now

is not the same queen that was in this werkroom

a decade ago when I walked in for Season 2,

and not even the same queen that walked in on All Stars 1.

Right now, drag is what's making me feel alive.

I don't wanna be cliché, but I have a lot more to show.

And I know we're at that point in the competition

where hard decisions have to be made,

and it pains me to even think about it.

[sobs] This is very hard.

I painted these tears on for a reason, guys.

-[laughs] -She said.

They're actually happening.

I love you.

I love you. I love your unicorn horns.

I love you all, actually.

I love you, too, man hands.

You know why we're all emotional?

It's because the four of us have this amazing connection.

We've become this family here,

and we've all worked so hard to get to this point.

Hey, Ru, it's Juju. Are you there?

Are you still gonna make us vote?

Because this is hard.

-[sighs] -[sighs]

-[sighs] -[sighs]

All right, ladies, we have to go to the ladies' room,

because this may be the biggest elimination of our lives.

Uh, Juju.

What?

Just don't forget your Poo-Pourri.

Thank you so much, Cracker.

It's not even for you. It's, like, for us.

All right.

Don't forget to spray it before you go.

On a scale of one to 10,

I want to make it to the top three a billion.

Like, off the scales.

[sighs]

I feel like these are my sisters,

and I'm taking away somebody's dreams.

I'm so sorry, babe.

But everybody wants the crown,

and there's only one way to get there.

I think of you as a sister.

I love you both so much,

and I have grown so close to both of you in this competition,

I'm voting for someone

that I know will forgive me for this choice later.

This win puts me in sight of the crown,

and there's nothing I won't do to get it.

Weary is the neck that turns the head that wears the crown, girl.

So I know what I have to do.end act

Welcome back, ladies.

Miz Cracker, are you ready to meet your lip sync opponent?

I'm ready, Ru.

-Are you sure? -I'm positive.

The time has come

to present this week's

lip sync ass...

sss...

...ssassin.

-Latrice?

Ru-veal yourself!

Who is it?

-Marianne Williamson. -Oh!

Excuse me. We're over here.

Ooh! [all laugh]

Hey, girls.

Not this!

Kennedy Davenport.

Kennedy!

The flip master!

I'm very worried.

Newark, LaGuardia, Kennedy Davenport.

Good to be back.

Ladies, tonight's lip sync will determine which queens

make it through to next week's grand finale.

Kennedy Davenport holds the lipstick

of the queen that the group has voted to go home.

If Kennedy wins the lip sync,

the queen on her lipstick gets the chop.

Are you ready to slay?

-Ready, mama. -Ready.

Two queens stand before me.

Miz Cracker, this is your chance to impress me,

win $20.000,

and earn the power to give one of the bottom queens el choppo.

The time has come... [thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your legacy!

Good luck, and don't fuck it up.

[music plays]

♪ Well, I remember it all very well lookin' back ♪

♪ It was the summer I turned 18 ♪

♪ We lived in a one-room, rundown shack ♪

♪ On the outskirts of New Orleans ♪

♪ We didn't have money for food or rent ♪

♪ To say the least we were hard pressed ♪

♪ Then Mama spent every last penny we had ♪

♪ To buy me a dancin' dress ♪

♪ Well, Mama washed and combed and curled my hair ♪

♪ And then she painted my eyes and lips ♪

♪ Then I stepped into a satin dancing dress ♪

♪ That had a split on the side clean up to my hip ♪

♪ It was red velvet trim, and it fit me good ♪

♪ Just standing back from the looking glass ♪

♪ There stood a woman where a half-grown kid had stood ♪

♪ She said, here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ She said, here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ She handed me a heart-shaped locket ♪

♪ That said to thine own self be true ♪

♪ And I shivered as I watched a roach ♪

♪ Crawl across the toe of my high heel shoe ♪

♪ It sounded like somebody else who was talking ♪

♪ Asking, Mama, what do I do? ♪

♪ She said, just be nice to the gentlemen, Fancy ♪

♪ They'll be nice to you ♪

♪ She said, here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ Here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ Lord, forgive me for what I do ♪

♪ But if you want out, well, it's up to you ♪

♪ Now don't let me down ♪

♪ Now your mama's gonna move you uptown ♪

♪ She said, here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ She said, here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ Lord, forgive me for what I do ♪

♪ But if you want out, well, it's up to you ♪

♪ Now don't let me down, hon ♪

♪ Your mama's gonna move you uptown ♪

♪ Oh, and I guess she did ♪

[applause]

Those were a lot of words.

Oh, I hadn't noticed.

Did you notice that there were words?

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Miz Cracker, you're a winner, baby.

Girl.

[applause]

Jeez.

Con-drag-ulations.

You've earned a cash tip of $20.000.

Thank you, Mama Ru.

Kennedy, thank you for coming, darling.

You may slay another day.

Always. Back to the castle.

[all laugh]

[applause]

Will the bottom queens please step forward?

Miz Cracker, with great power comes great responsibility.

Which queen have you chosen to get the chop?

You said it yourself.

These are all 10s here.

It is a close call.

But you taught me to go with my gut,

and that is what I did.

The lipstick I chose...

belongs to Blair.

As it is written, so it shall be done.

Blair St. Clair,

you are and will always be an All Star.

Now sashay away.

[sobs]

I love you, baby.

-I love you. -I love you.

I love you both very much.

Thank you so much for changing my life.

I owe you everything.

I credit my personal growth

to my time on RuPaul's Drag Race.

I feel like I kind of

fell in love with myself all over again during this.

Learned to trust myself and to believe in myself

more than I did coming into this.

I still love you.

You're gonna make it through this.

Yeah.

There's no such thing as a perfect Blair St. Clair,

but the Blair St. Clair that I am

is pretty damn good, and I love her.

Well, I do declare, I am the Blair St. Clair!

Shh!

[all laugh]

[applause]

My top three girls, con-drag-ulations.

Next week at the All Star grand finale,

one of you will be inducted

into the Drag Race Hall of Fame.

Now I wanna hear from our fans.

Which queen do you think deserves to win?

Are you Team Jujubee,

Team Miz Cracker,

or Team Shea Couleé?

Let your voice be heard at RuPaul's Drag Race,

#AllStars5.

And tune in next week, when we crown a winner, baby.

Now, if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get a "amen" up in here?

-Amen! -Amen!

[telephone rings]

What? [ring]

[ring]

Michelle, you answer it.

No, no, I'll answer it.

[ring]

Oh! Okay! All right!

Yes?

Yes, I hear you.

Next week?

But it's the grand finale!

All right, all right, all right.

If you must.

[cries]

Now, where was I?

Oh, right.

Now let the music play.

♪ I am American, American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American, American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪vote

♪ Just like you, too ♪

RuPaul: Next time on All Stars...next

You're in the top three.

-Top three! -Brrrrr!

I generally love a good threesome,

and this was the top three that I anticipated.

I feel like I've done this before, twice.

Not well enough.

[shouting and screaming]

Awoo-err?

India said that I was campaigning with Mayhem

to send Shea home.

I thought we were cool.

Wait, what?

-Wait a minute! -Oh, so what, you mad?

Is there an alliance?

I love this, by the way. [all laugh]

This drama is too good.

For this final maxi-challenge,

you'll collaborate on my latest song Clapback.

Seven, eight, clapback.

Juju, how you feeling?

-Terrible. -[laughs]

Can I just clap?

And turn, hip, and lean up.

It can sometimes come off a little bit sloppy

or a little bit rough around the edges.

There's a 33% chance that one of us will win.

Who wants it the most?

Me. The pressure is on.

The whole season rests on this performance.

RuPaul: The next queen to be inducted

into the Drag Race Hall of Fame is...

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

♪ I am American, American, American ♪credits

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American, American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪

♪ Am-Am-Am-Am-American, American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪