All language subtitles for Review s03e01 Locorito.eng

Life. It's literally all we have.

But is it any good? I'm a reviewer.

But I don't review
food, books or movies.

I review life itself.

Aah!

Aah!

??

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to the third season of "Review."

I am Forrest MacNeil.

Whatever life experience you're
curious about, I will do it.

And then I will review it.

I am thrilled to be back
and delighted to be reunited

with my co-host, A.J. Gibbs!

- Forrest...
- Yes!

... you're alive!

I know! [Chuckles]

And it is incredible.

Returning viewers will recall
that our last season ended

rather abruptly when my producer, Grant,

and I very unfortunately
fell off of a high bridge.

If I'm gonna die, you're gonna die, too!

[Both screaming]

[Bleep]

Grant and I both survived.

And that is, without a doubt, a miracle.

There's just no other
way to understand it.

I believe I am alive today

so that I can continue to do

this extraordinarily important work.

And so with that, A.J.,
what is my first...

Oh, wait, you forgot to tell
them about the veto booth.

Yes, I did. That's true.

Last season, I was able
to veto two reviews.

And this season, our
lawyers have insisted

that I have unlimited vetoes.

??

Signified by that eternal flame

and all those stacks of vetoes.

But I swear to you
now that I will not use

any vetoes ever again.

You want guidance on the
vital questions of our time.

If the universe, through
our random system,

chooses your request,

who am I to stand in its way?

There will be no vetoes.

Now, A.J., let's get to it!

What is my first review of season three?

Okay.

It comes from Pete in
Westchester, California.

- Pete?
- Yeah.

Hello. I'm Pete from
the viral marketing team

here at Neato Taquitos.

Forrest, our question to you is,

what's it like to try
our brand new Locorito?

- Neato Taquitos...
- All: We made it, you eat it.

[Cheering]

The vital questions of our time.

Hmm. I believe this may

turn out to be one of those.

And, therefore,

a perfect example of the work

that my life was spared to do.

- Here I go.
- Yum.

[Chuckling]

Buying and eating a
fast-food burrito sounded

like a very short review.

But when I arrived at Neato Taquitos,

it did not look that way.

Oh, no.

Apparently, Pete had
recorded his question

during the months that
my producer, Grant,

and I were lost in the wilderness.

Since then, it appeared that
the entire Neato Taquitos

fast-food chain had
gone out of business.

My interns, Josh and Tina,

suggested placing an ad
on wwww.craigslist.com

to find a Locorito,

which I now understood had

been out of production for 6 months.

Read it back to me, please.

"Wanted: one Locorito
from Neato Taquitos."

Will pay $5.

"Open to paying less.
Serious inquiries only."

Do you think that's gonna work?

Honestly, you never know.
People sell weird [bleep].

Forrest: Vulgarities
aside, Tina was right.

I was astonished to eventually receive

a response to my request...

Man: Who is it?

Uh, Craig sent me.

It's about the Locorito.

... from a man who hung on

to a burrito from a
defunct chain restaurant

because he also hangs
on to everything, always.

I managed to save everything
except my marriage.

Oh, yeah. Divorce can be difficult.

But sometimes it's for the best.

Worst mistake I ever
made. Ruined my life.

Okay.

This simple request had
become a test of my patience.

Can I move some of this stuff?

No! Oh, there it is.

I'd hate to let her go.

I left that house with
a profound appreciation

for whatever mental illness allowed me

to complete my mission.

Hey! Can I interest you

in a discontinued Starbucks muffin?

No, just the Locorito. Thank you.

Your loss.

Oh.

Ever since my return to civilization,

I have been living in the
home of my producer, Grant...

After you.

... who, I am very sorry to say

took the brunt of our
impact on the water

and is now paralyzed
from the waist down.

Ah.

This was an ideal arrangement.

- You found your food.
- Yes, I did.

Forrest: Living with a colleague
meant no distractions from "Review."

- Oxycodone and blood thinner.
- Thank you.

Forrest: This work is all
that I need in my life.

You know, it might help you

to focus better on that experience

if you ate it away from my own meal.

Yes.

I don't know that I've ever eaten food

this far past the date
that it was prepared.

Here goes.

Okay.

This was not the first time fate had

caused me to eat something unsound.

But it was, by far, the most
revolting meal of my life.

That'd be some kind of a mold.

By the time I had successfully
choked down the burrito,

I longed for the raw birds

I'd consumed when I was lost at sea

and the animal droppings Grant

and I lived on after
we accidentally fell

from the bridge and were
living in the wilderness,

fighting for our lives.

This burrito was a
terrible thing to eat.

And my body knew instantly
that something was very wrong.

Ohh. A war raged within my stomach.

Oh, God. Ah!

Ohh. [Stomach rumbles]

Oh, [bleep]. Ohh.

It was a night spent

in terrible burrito-induced agony.

Oh.

Shouldn't have eaten that burrito.

It was the only one I could find.

Even so.

[Stomach rumbles] What
the [bleep] is that?

Oh. [Vomits]

[Bleep]

Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep].

[Cell phone rings]

Yes, hello?

No, no, no.

No.

I had forgotten that this was

a crucial day in my murder trial,

which resulted from last season's review

of killing a person...

[Gunshot] Oh!

In which a person was killed.

Why didn't you give me
more warning about this?

I'm so sorry. I just started golfing.

And it's taken over my life.

Listen, I don't feel very well.

You've got to get it together, Forrest.

This is jury selection.

12 of these people are going to decide

if you're a murderer
or a self-defenser.

So you've got to make a good impression.

Oh, yeah. I'll do my best.

- Bailiff: All rise.
- [Groans]

Forrest: Getting a Locorito into my body

had been a surprisingly difficult task.

But getting it out was far
too easy for anyone's comfort.

Oh, my God. Ohh. He number two'd!

- Ew! Ohh.
- I can explain.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You can't talk to them.

Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday,

I ate a 6-month-old burrito.

And...

Oh! Oh!

I move that that be
stricken from the record.

Considering the many miseries
that the Locorito brought me,

it's no wonder Neato Taquitos
is no longer in business.

An inauspicious beginning

to a rather serious legal
proceeding, I'm afraid.

But also an illuminating
start to our new season.

That rancid fast-food
burrito brought me to a simple

but important life lesson.

It is better to let go of
the past than to eat it.

I give eating the new Locorito
from Neato Taquitos one star.

??

What's next, A.J.?

It comes from 9-year-old
Anastasia in Ryegate, Montana.

- Delightful.
- Anastasia writes,

- "I want to get a puppy"...
- Aw.

"... but my mom says we can't
because we already have a dog.

What's it like to put a pet to sleep?"

Oh. Oh, boy.

You know, Forrest, you could
just sing a lullaby to a cat.

Mmm. I could do that,

but then I would also
have to kill it somehow,

because that's what Anastasia wants.

I'm off to put a pet
to sleep, meaning death.

[Sighs]

The only pet I've ever
had was a golden retriever

that I acquired for my family
in my review of stealing.

- Okay.
- His name was Sergeant.

And there was no way of
knowing how old he was.

If he had fallen ill,
I would not have known

because my ex-wife, Suzanne,

did not allow me into the new home

she and our son live
in. What do you want?

But if I was going
to put a pet to sleep,

Sergeant was the logical place to start.

I'm just seeing how things are going.

I've b... I've been, uh,
thinking about the dog lately.

- What's the review?
- What's the review?

What is it, like, "What's it
like to be a veterinarian"?

No.

I not even saying for
sure that this is a review.

Well, you're not getting
anywhere near the dog.

Good-bye.

It appeared I would not be
putting my old dog to sleep.

But Suzanne's reference
to veterinary medicine

gave me a good idea.

[Bell jingles]

Hi.

Is your cat dying?

Well, if the doctor says that
there's nothing you can do

for the bee sting,

I would be happy to
put him down for you.

This approach was
also proving difficult.

But just as I was ready to give up

on the veterinary hospital

and go out in search of
a critically injured bird,

this story took an exotic turn.

Wow. What is that?

- It's a bearded dragon.
- What's wrong with him?

It's old. He hasn't been eating.

Might just be time to
put him out of his misery.

Really?

I have nothing to do
for the rest of the day.

And I would be more than happy

to help this little fellow

over to the other side for you.

Why put yourself through that pain?

To be honest, he belongs to my son.

And he's too busy getting
high to give a shit about him.

It's not going to be painful,

but I do have things I could do today.

- Okay.
- Great.

And just like that, this unloved
reptile was left in my care.

However, it was, in no way

that really meant anything, my pet.

I realized, I would not have
a genuine experience of this

unless I spent at least a day

or 2 bonding with my lizard.

Hello, Beyonce.

- Oh, cool, a bearded dragon!
- Mm-hmm.

My brother had one of
these when I was a kid.

- Oh, yeah?
- What's up, dude?

You're supposed to spritz
him with water once a day.

Do you have a spray bottle for that?

I wouldn't worry about it.

Well, it's fine. Like,
I'll get you set up.

I'll get, like, crickets
and stuff, it'll be fun.

No, really.

Josh? Don't bother, okay?

No, it's cool, man.

Forrest: It did not seem possible for me

to form a connection with this creature,

whose name I later learned was
popularly pronounced Beyonc�.

It barely moved.

The crickets that wandered
freely around the habitat

seemed like more interesting pets.

Beyonc� was stoic, remote and ill.

But by the end of the second day,

I began to take comfort in his quiet,

undemanding presence.

And on the third day,
something remarkable happened.

Oh, hey, you guys!

You guys! Look! Look at this!

- What's up, Mr. MacNeil?
- The crickets are ge.

Beyonc� ate the crickets.

- That's so great, Mr. MacNeil.
- I know.

- That's wild.
- You're such a good dad!

- Want me to get more crickets?
- Yes! Get more crickets!

- I mean, he's hungry, right?
- Yeah, okay, cool. Come on.

Wow.

It appeared that all Beyonc�
needed was a little TLC,

or at least not to be
completely ignored by a druggie

and his heartless mother. Sorry.

I knew that Beyonc� was only in my care

for the purpose of being euthanized

and that he wouldn't
be around much longer.

But still, it was nice
to see him rebound.

Oh, hey, Grant, did I
tell you that yesterday...

- [Soft music playing]
- Can it wait?

I want to hear the flute.

[Flute plays]

Forrest: Beyonc� and I
even seemed to be developing

some actual form of communication.

Hello. Hi! Hello!

The more time I spent with the
increasingly healthy lizard...

Here we go. The more I realized

that this was no ordinary animal.

Behind those eyes was

a whole world of thoughts and feelings.

He was wise and soulful and kind.

I have no use for a
friend of any species,

but the fates had brought
Beyonc� and me together,

and the thought of killing him began

to seem like a bit of a waste.

And just put that right there.

My producer, Grant,

does an impressive and
always appreciated job

of keeping me on task.

Lately, I could feel his
eyes on me and Beyonc�.

And I knew what he was thinking.

Ah. Grant.

I think I know what you're here to say.

I've been spending a lot
of time with Beyonc�.

And this is not a
review of having a pet.

It's a review of putting a pet to sleep.

That is what I was going to say.

I feel like you're
falling for this lizard

and forgetting what you have it for.

Uh, no. [Laughs] Come on, Grant.

I'm not capable of falling
for anything except "Review."

Now, having said that,

I will not be euthanizing Beyonc�.

Forrest. No.

This is no regular dime
store lizard, Grant.

He just returned from
the brink of death.

Does that sound familiar?

That happened to you and me too, right?

You relate to him, don't
you? I've gotten to know him.

And he's actually extremely intelligent.

I mean, it's like, there's
a lot going on up there.

So it would be a crime.

Which is why I have purchased...

Aha!

Another pet for the
express purpose of keeping

for a couple of days and then killing.

I'm gonna kill that one
instead. I named him Deyonc�.

Take a look. Here you go.

Beyonc� and Deyonc�.

Friends for 1 or 2 days tops.

And then, that one, I'm gonna kill.

That sounds fine.

Good. Yeah.

Since any animal at all
would do for this assignment,

I felt I'd found a good way

to spare the life of a
creature with whom I had perhaps

developed some kind of mutual respect.

But there was a
terrible flaw in my plan.

Forrest: The picture is good,

but I wish it could
look more old-timey.

You know how old-timey
paper was all yellow, and...

Yes! Just like that! Oh, that's perfect!

Okay.

[Laughs] Whoa. Where's Beyonc�?

Josh: Isn't that Beyonc�?

No, this is my new lizard, Deyonc�.

Whoa! Where's Beyonc�?

Wait, did you 'em in there together?

Yeah, why?

You shouldn't put two bearded
dragons in the same tank.

- Why not?
- Is that Beyonc�'s foot?

- Oh!
- Okay.

Oh, no! What happened?!

Yeah, sometimes they eat
each other. It's crazy.

What the [bleep] are you talking about?!

I knew that. Ere's videos on YouTube...

What the [bleep] are you talking about?!

These [bleep] lizards eat each other?!

Oh, so we both knew that.

Why the [bleep] didn't
you tell me that?!

Oh, I thought we all knew that.

I put them both in the same thing,

and one of them ate the other one?!

[Breathing heavily]

Well, I deal with grief alone.

[Sobbing]

Maybe he's in the cave?

Josh: Yeah, okay. All right.

I looked in the [bleep] cave!

Forrest: I had no emotional
attachment to Beyonc�

and was not sad for myself.

But the injustice of what
had happened troubled me.

[Sobbing] My only friend in the world!

[Sobbing]

??

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

After a period of reflection,

I decided that I had
bonded enough with Deyonc�

to have a genuine experience
of putting him to sleep.

You're comin' with
me, you piece of shit.

My experience of putting
Deyonc� to sleep was, frankly,

more like pet capital punishment.

It was justice.

Regrettable, but completely necessary.

I give putting a pet
to sleep three stars.

Next up, a tweet from GoGoOctavio.

I love the tweets! Uh-huh.

"You survived death, so
here's a present from me."

What's it like to make
your dream come true?

"Ta-da!"

Ta-da.

What's it like to make
my dream come true?

What an... What an odd request that is.

To go to sleep and have a dream

and wake up and reenact
it in the real world?

Should be interesting.

I'm off to make my dream come true.

Grant couldn't let me use
one of his many guest rooms

in case out-of-town relatives

dropped by unexpectedly. You never know.

So I spent my nights in
his garage on a sturdy

cot that I rented from him.

A perfect place for sleeping,
and thus, for dreaming.

I had never given a moment's
thought to my dreams.

But now I would record one precisely

and then reenact it in the real world.

Okay, interesting stuff.

There's gonna be some props to
round up, so please take notes.

All right, so, it starts.

And I'm walking down a
quaint, tree-lined street.

And I've got a plate
and my penis is on it.

And, uh, no. Sorry, not penis, peacock.

- Thank [bleep] God.
- It's just my handwriting.

Something slips out of my pants...

- There it is.
- ... and it's my lizard.

- Thank [bleep] God.
- He scampers away.

And then we arrive at a park.

And my ex-wife is there
on a picnic blanket.

And she's got Thanksgiving dinner out

with all the trimmings,
and then I hear a voice.

And I run to it. And then I get lost.

And then I get really, really scared.

And that's when I woke up. Wild, right?

- Mm.
- That shouldn't be too hard.

Yeah. There's just one
part I got to work out.

Convincing my ex-wife

to help me make my dream come true

by playing a role in it

would require all of my charms.

Go away. I mean it.

Which were difficult to
deploy through a closed door.

And so I went back to
the drawing dream-board.

Hmm.

Unfortunately, Suzanne
also played a large role

in the dreams I had the next night.

No.

Hmm.

Yes. Yes.

And the night after that.

Suzanne.

What the [bleep] is the matter with me?

Oh, Suzanne.

Suzanne. Suzanne.

To my great frustration,

it appeared that my sleeping brain

was constantly dwelling on my ex-wife.

Perhaps if Suzanne had been

more willing to open the door to me,

she and I could have
moved on from one another

in a healthier way.

Ugh. Oh, [bleep].

And my dreams would be
free to explore other ideas.

Come on. Come on. Suzanne!

Amazingly, this prlem
persisted for 27 nights.

Suzanne! Finally, I could wait no more.

If this task were ever to be completed,

I would simply have to reenact

a dream that involved Suzanne.

Would she cooperate or
thwart my life's work?

There was only one way to know.

Forrest: Looking back on
it now, it occurs to me that

when people speak of
making a dream come true...

... they are usually referring
to realizing an aspiration,

rather than reenacting the pointless

meanderings of a sleeping brain.

Ah.

I would like a hot dog, please.

[Singsong] They're free.

Thank you.

Perhaps that would have been
a more meaningful exploration.

Forrest. I talked to the judge,

and he wants to end the trial

because he doesn't like you

and he wants you to go to jail.

Suzanne!

This was the moment of truth.

Suzanne!

I needed Suzanne to act
in a very specific way

and had no idea if she would comply.

- [Dog barking]
- Go away, Forrest.

Incredibly, Suzanne played
her role to perfection.

Then I woke up. Perfect!

Haha, we did it. Great job, everybody.

That was exactly how I dreamed it.

Oh, you know what? I should get dressed.

Psychiatrists have argued

that our dreams provide windows

into our true inner thoughts.

Speaking as a man who has
lived one of those dreams,

I'd say those doctors are
all frauds and hucksters.

But a group project is always fun.

So, making your dream
come true gets four stars.

Forrest, that's the end

of the first episode of season three!

Well, we're just getting started, A.J.

We'll see you next time on "Review."

"Review."

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Man: Extra cheese!

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