Original subtitles

- LIFE--IT'S LITERALLY ALL WE HAVE.

BUT IS IT ANY GOOD?

I'M A REVIEWER, BUT I DON'T REVIEW

FOOD, BOOKS, OR MOVIES.

I REVIEW LIFE ITSELF.

VIVA THE REVOLUTION!

[crowd cheering]

[Taser crackling] AGH!

[triumphant fanfare]

*

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO REVIEW.

I'M FORREST MACNEIL, AND AS ALWAYS,

I WILL REVIEW ANY EXPERIENCE YOU WANT ME TO,

NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.

- YOU READY, FORREST? - YES, I AM.

- OKAY.

THIS COMES FROM NICK IN SYOSSET, NEW YORK.

- AHA.

- HEY, FORREST.

SO, ON THE BACK OF THIS BOX OF PANCAKE MIX,

THEY TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE 15 PANCAKES,

BUT IT DOESN'T TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE ANY FEWER THAN THAT.

SO HERE'S THE THING-- I LIVE ALONE.

DO THEY EXPECT ME TO EAT 15 PANCAKES?

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO EAT 15 PANCAKES?

- NO. REALLY?

THAT'S THE, UH--

THAT'S THE PROFOUND LIFE EXPERIENCE

HE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT-- EATING 15 PANCAKES?

- THAT'S HIS REQUEST, SO...

- YES, THAT IS... [clears throat]

THE REQUEST THAT HAS BEEN MADE.

OKAY, NICK,

I'M GOING TO COVER YOUR REQUEST IN BUTTER AND SYRUP

AND DIG IN TO TRY TO FIND SOME IMPORTANT MEANING

IN A GIANT, STEAMING PILE OF FLAPJACKS.

EATING 15 PANCAKES.

- YUM. - AHH.

THOUGH THIS TASK WAS CLEARLY MORE SUITED

TO A FRATERNITY BROTHER WHO HAD LOST A BET

THAN TO A LIFE REVIEWER,

I PREPARED MY STOMACH AND MY NERVES

FOR A VERY LARGE BREAKFAST.

THE WORLD RECORD FOR PANCAKES EATEN

IN ONE SITTING IS 73 PANCAKES.

THAT IS HELD BY A RUSSIAN MAN

WHOSE LIFE MUST BE AN UNENDURABLE HELLSCAPE

OF EXCRUCIATING SADNESS.

PERSONALLY, I DOUBT I'VE EVER HAD

MORE THAN TWO PANCAKES IN A MONTH.

- OKAY, FIVE TALL STACKS OF PANCAKES.

- YES.

- THEY SAY BACK IN THE KITCHEN IF YOU CAN FINISH IT ALL,

WE'LL PUT YOUR PICTURE UP ON THE WALL.

- MM, NO, I DON'T THINK SO, BUT THANK YOU.

MAY I HAVE AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF WATER, PLEASE?

- YOU GOT IT. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

THIS CERTAINLY IS AN UPSETTING NUMBER OF PANCAKES.

HERE WE GO.

[dramatic music]

*

THEY'RE TASTY...

FOR NOW.

*

THREE PANCAKES IN, AND I ALREADY FEEL

THAT I HAVE GREATLY OVERINDULGED.

I AM FULL OF PANCAKES.

ANY RATIONAL PERSON FEELING THE WAY I DO NOW

WOULD DEFINITELY STOP.

[chuckles]

*

THERE'S A VERY LOUD THRUMMING IN MY EARS.

THE BLOOD FEELS VERY SLOW.

OH, GOD.

I HAVE NOW EATEN TEN PANCAKES,

AND ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I CAN SEE THE LIGHT

AT THE END OF THIS DISGUSTING TUNNEL, BUT...

IT HAS NOW BEEN 45 MINUTES

SINCE I STARTED EATING,

AND THE PANCAKES ARE NO LONGER HOT.

THESE AREN'T FOOD.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, BABY.

- WITH 1 1/2 PANCAKES TO GO, I HAD HIT A WALL.

MY PRODUCER, GRANT, MADE THE UNPRECEDENTED MOVE

OF STEPPING OUT FROM BEHIND THE CAMERAS

TO PROVIDE MUCH-NEEDED MORAL SUPPORT.

- HEY, YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO FINISH THESE PANCAKES, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- YOU DO, MAN. - MM.

- THIS IS YOUR SHOW. DON'T BAIL ON IT.

- GO AWAY, PLEASE.

- I'M JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU BACK DOWN.

REMEMBER?

"EVEN IF I BEG TO STOP, DON'T LET ME."

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

- THIS ONE IS REALLY STUPID.

- DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU TOLD ME

ABOUT THE GUY WHO SPENT ALL HIS TIME

GROWING FUNGUS ON A STICK?

AND EVERYBODY TOLD HIM TO KNOCK IT OFF,

AND HE WAS GONNA,

UNTIL IT TURNED OUT TO BE PENICILLIN.

- MM-HMM.

- THIS COULD BE YOUR PENICILLIN, FORREST.

- [sighs]

[suspenseful music]

*

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

- YOU DID IT. YOU DID IT!

[laughing]

OKAY, I'LL TAKE THIS WHEN YOU'RE READY.

- AS I LEFT THE RESTAURANT,

I SCANNED MY SOUL FOR SOME GREATER WISDOM

TO SHARE WITH HUMANITY.

[heaving]

[spits] UGH.

[groaning softly]

YEAH, THERE'S NOT REALLY

A WHOLE LOT MORE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

IT WAS EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED

AT ALL COSTS.

EATING 15 PANCAKES-- HALF A STAR.

ALL RIGHT, A.J., I HOPE MY NEXT REVIEW

IS A LITTLE MORE SUBSTANTIAL THAN MY LAST ONE.

- WE'LL SEE. - YEAH.

- OKAY, THIS COMES FROM LADYTARA

IN ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI.

- AH.

- HELLO. WHAT'S IT LIKE TO GET A DIVORCE?

- OH, NO.

- WHAT'S IT LIKE TO, UH...

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO--

TO GET DIVORCED? [clears throat]

UH...

THIS REVIEW WOULD INDEED BE SUBSTANTIAL.

ENDING MY MARRIAGE WAS BY FAR MY WEIGHTIEST REVIEW YET.

THIS WOULD TEST THE LIMITS OF PERSONAL SACRIFICE.

- SUZANNE AND I HAVE ENJOYED

THE MOST LOVING, FUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE

IN MACNEIL FAMILY HISTORY.

- I JUST WANT TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

- AND THOUGH WE HAD OUR ARGUMENTS, WE ALWAYS MANAGED

TO WORK THINGS OUT.

WAS ALL THAT REALLY GOING TO END?

- NO! - WHOO!

- BEFORE UNDOING 14 YEARS WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,

I NEEDED TO REVIEW THE TERMS OF THIS EXERCISE.

WHAT IF I, LIKE, JUST MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE

FOR A DAY OR A WEEK OR WHATEVER

AND THEN JUST DIVORCED THAT PERSON,

YOU KNOW...

- WELL, LOOK, IF YOU WANT IDEAS

FOR EASY WAYS OUT OF THINGS,

YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

BUT THIS ISN'T ABOUT FINDING LOOPHOLES.

THIS IS ABOUT COMMITTING TO THE STANDARD THAT YOU SET.

[phone ringing]

"EVEN IF I BEG FOR HELP...

DON'T LET ME OUT," RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- WHO SAID THAT?

- [whispering] I DID.

[normal voice] YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS.

IT SEEMED THAT TO HONOR MY COMMITMENT TO THIS SHOW,

I WOULD HAVE TO REND MY FAMILY IN TWO.

THERE WAS NO WAY AROUND IT.

- HI.

- [sighs]

PFFFT.

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT.

- OKAY.

- I WANT A DIVORCE. - [laughs]

HA HA. GOOD ONE, FORREST.

[chuckles]

- [sighs]

- DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE ROOT-BEER FLOATS?

FORREST? - I'M NOT JOKING.

- WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - I'M DIVORCING YOU.

[sighs] I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW TERRIBLE IT FEELS.

- WAIT, WHY? WHY--WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

[breathing heavily] OKAY.

- WHY NOT? - WHY NOT?

- YEAH. - FORREST, THINGS HAVE BEEN

JUST AS GOOD BETWEEN US AS THEY'VE EVER BEEN.

- WELL, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID

FOR GOING OUT ON A HIGH NOTE, YOU KNOW?

- A HIGH NOTE? - UH...

- OKAY, ARE YOU-- ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE?

- NO, I'M NOT SEEING-- I'M REALLY NOT.

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THAT I WAS.

- OKAY, WELL, THEN IS IT A MIDLIFE CRISIS OR SOMETHING?

'CAUSE WE COULD WORK ON IT TOGETHER.

- [groaning] - I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU.

- WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE A REASON?

- WHY--WHAT--THERE HAS TO BE A REASON, FORREST.

- STOP LOOKING FOR A REASON!

WE HAVE TO GET DIVORCED!

- WHY?

- ENOUGH OF BEING MARRIED!

I KNOW THIS IS VERY HARD. THIS IS REALLY HARD.

THIS IS A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.

- [crying] YOU DON'T LOVE ME. - NO, LISTEN, I REALLY DO.

- THAT'S IT. YOU DON'T LOVE ME. - NO, I REALLY DO.

I REALLY DO LOVE YOU. - OH, MY GOD, ERIC.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT ERIC? - AH, YEAH.

[groans]

[huffs and puffs]

HE IS NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.

- HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE IT?

THAT'S YOUR ANSWER? HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE IT?

- OW! OW, OW, OW, OW! - OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, PEOPLE GET DIVORCED ALL THE T--

- DON'T TOUCH ME!

YOU ARE GONNA DIE ALONE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYONE WOULD LOVE YOU!

- YEAH. - YOU'RE WEIRD!

SO GET OUT OF HERE.

- WELL, I THOUGHT I WOULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

DO YOU KNOW IF THERE'S ANY CLEAN SINGLE SHEETS?

- I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE.

[sentimental music]

- MY SUDDEN SINGLEHOOD LANDED ON ME

LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.

I WAS, IN A WORD, COMPLETELY DEVASTATED.

OH! [thud]

[metal clatters]

*

AND I WOULD SPEND MY FIRST NIGHT ALONE

IN THE COLD EMBRACE OF THE JOB

THAT HAD DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE.

*

- OH, HEY! - [groans]

- JOSH, WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING IN MY OFFICE?

- 'CAUSE YOU PAY ME IN COLLEGE CREDITS.

CAN YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHT? YOU'RE KILLING ME.

- YOU SLEEP HERE EVERY NIGHT? - YEAH.

- HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THAT?

- SINCE THE BEGINNING.

THAT'S WHY I TOOK THE INTERNSHIP.

YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE A SECURITY GUARD.

- [sighs]

I HAVE TO HAVE MEETINGS ON THAT COUCH.

THAT'S A-- THAT'S A WORK COUCH.

- CLOSE THE DOOR! - OH, GOD.

DEPRIVED OF THE COMFORTS OF MARRIED LIFE,

A DIVORCED MAN MIGHT FIND HIMSELF EXPERIENCING

SOMETHING LIKE LONELINESS--

DESPERATE LONELINESS.

[sobbing]

- HEY, MR. MACNEIL...

IS GETTING OLDER REALLY THAT SAD?

[somber music]

*

- WITHOUT SUZANNE, EVERY ASPECT OF MY DAILY LIFE

WAS NUMBED BY SADNESS,

WHICH IS AMONG THE WORST OF OUR EMOTIONS

AND ONE OF THE SADDEST.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH! OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WERE... DIFFICULT.

SEEING PEOPLE TOGETHER

REMINDED ME THAT I WAS NOT TOGETHER.

LOVE SONGS BECAME UNBEARABLE.

- * LICK IT TIGHT NOW, DO IT, BOY *

* LICK IT UP AND DOWN

* SUCK IT, LICK IT, LICK IT TIGHT NOW *

- SUZANNE! [sobs]

AND THEN SUZANNE REQUESTED A MEETING.

I CONCLUDED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO ASK ME TO RECONCILE,

AND I DID NOT KNOW IF I'D HAVE THE STRENGTH

TO RESIST.

- HI, FORREST. - HI.

- COME ON IN.

- YEAH, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU CALLED.

- HEY, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY LAWYER, MARK.

- OH.

- FORREST, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

- HELLO. - HOW ARE YOU?

- OKAY. WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

- WELL, SIT, SIT, SIT. CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

- UH...

NO.

OKAY.

- [sighs]

LISTEN, YOU REALLY SURPRISED ME WITH ALL OF THIS,

BUT THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

THE MORE I REALIZED,

"YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT."

- OH.

- WE HAVE BEEN HOLDING EACH OTHER BACK.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, ALL I'VE EVER DONE FOR YOU

IS JUST REASSURED YOU THROUGH YOUR MANY INSECURITIES.

- YEAH. - "AM I LOSING MY HAIR?"

YOU KNOW, "DO MY BANGS LOOK THINNER?"

- I KNOW. - "I'M SORRY--THIS DIDN'T SEEM

TO WORK TONIGHT." - OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

- "MAYBE WE CAN TRY AGAIN ON THE WEEKEND."

- YEP, YEP, YEP. - YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,

ALL OF THAT, AND I DON'T HAVE

ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS,

BUT A REAL STRONG PERSON WOULD HAVE SAID,

"HEY, FACE THEM."

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST SO CONTENT

WITH WHO I AM,

YOU'VE LOST INTEREST WITH THE PERSON

I WANT TO BECOME.

- SHE'S ALREADY LEARNING HOW TO SURF.

- [chuckles] - I JUST--

I'M NOT GOOD YET. - NO, SHE'S FANTASTIC.

- WHAT IS THIS? HELLO OR GOOD-BYE OR--

- HANG LOOSE, YEAH. - OKAY.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER

IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.

- THAT'S GREAT. IT'S GREAT NEWS.

THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY... - GOOD.

- BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY,

FOR ME TO FEEL LIKE WE HAD TO END THE MARRIAGE

AND FOR YOU TO THEN NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY--

- OH.

- YEAH, THAT WOULD BE JUST...

both: DEVASTATING.

- EXACTLY. - YEAH.

- YEAH. - GOD, THIS IS GREAT.

- GREAT. - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

BEFORE YOU GO, MARK HAS JUST PREPARED

SOME DOCUMENTS FOR YOU.

- MM. - IT BASICALLY JUST SAYS

THAT YOU AGREE TO UNCONTESTED MEDIATION.

- SURE.

- LOOK THROUGH IT AT YOUR LEISURE.

- NAH. - NO CRAZY RUSH.

- GO AHEAD AND SIGN IT RIGHT NOW.

- OKAY. - WOW.

IT SHOWS A LOT OF CARE FOR WHAT YOU HAD

TO LET PEOPLE BE FREE FOR THE FUTURE.

- THANK YOU FOR YOUR INSIGHT.

WELL, UH, I G--YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO. - OKAY.

- THANKS. - IT WAS GREAT SEEING YOU.

- YEAH, UH...

- WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW? OKAY.

- OH. - HMM.

- NO, I...

UH...

- DO YOU NEED HELP? IS IT LOCKED OR--

- NO, NO, I GOT IT. THANKS.

- OKAY.

- [clicks tongue]

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

- TAKE CARE. - YEAH. YEAH.

[moaning, flesh slapping]

- OH, MY GOD. - [moaning]

- OH, MY GOD. - YEAH.

- WAIT, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN. - OH.

- UGH! - NO.

- OKAY, OKAY-- OH, OH!

[glass shatters] OH, OH.

[laughs]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DO YOU HAVE A CONDOM?

- NO.

- OKAY. OKAY, SORRY. GO BACK TO BED.

- [sighs]

- WANT ME TO JUST EAT YOU OUT?

- [sobbing]

DIVORCE--A BIG DEAL.

ON THE ONE HAND, I'VE LOST THE PERSON

WITH WHOM I PLANNED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I WOULD NOT HAVE LEARNED

OF HER FUNDAMENTAL UNHAPPINESS

HAD I NOT DIVORCED HER.

SO THAT'S A--

THAT'S A-- THAT'S A PLUS.

DIVORCE, THEREFORE, GETS...

[sentimental music]

*

[triumphant fanfare]

- [laughing]

WHAT IS MY NEXT REVIEW?

- OKAY-- - I JUST GOT DIVORCED

FOR THIS SHOW.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

- OKAY, NEXT IS FROM @CHRISTYLAPLANT

IN AUGUSTA, GEORGIA.

- BEAUTIFUL TOWN. - YEP.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW...

- 30 PANCAKES?

- YEP.

- THIS IS A DIFFERENT PERSON FROM THE 15-PANCAKE PERSON?

- YEP.

- IT'S TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. - YEAH. YEP.

- THAT DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE.

HERE WE ARE. - YEP.

- WHAT'S IT LIKE TO EAT 30 PANCAKES?

- MM-HMM.

- YEAH.

- GO, FORREST! GO, FORREST, GO!

GO, GO!

- IT WOULD BE CHALLENGING

TO FIND MEANING IN ANY LIFE EXPERIENCE

NOW THAT MY LIFE HAD NO MEANING.

ALSO, I HATE THAT KID IN THE GLASSES,

AND AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, IS A [bleep]HOLE.

THE IDEA OF EATING TWICE THE NUMBER OF PANCAKES

THAT LAID ME SO LOW LAST TIME

SHOULD HAVE FILLED ME WITH A SENSE OF DREAD OR FEAR,

BUT I FELT NOTHING.

I GREETED THE PROSPECT OF ALL THIS PAN-FRIED DOUGH

WITH ONLY A VAST, EMPTY NUMBNESS.

- HEY, IT'S MR. PANCAKES!

- BRING ME TEN TALL STACKS OF PANCAKES.

- WHAT? YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

OH, MY GOD.

HEY, FILIPE, GUESS WHAT!

[chuckling]

[foreboding music]

*

- AND THEN, FROM SOMEWHERE DEEP AND PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN,

THERE SPRANG A RESERVE OF FORTITUDE AND COURAGE.

[dramatic music]

*

OR WAS IT RESIGNATION...

OR FATALISM...

OR NIHILISM?

*

OR PERHAPS I SIMPLY UNDERSTOOD,

FROM THE DARKEST CORNER OF MY SOUL,

THAT THESE PANCAKES COULDN'T KILL ME

BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY DEAD.

- THAT'S MY BOY.

ALL RIGHT.

- [vomiting]

[spits] UGH.

[spits] UGH. MM.

FOLKS, I HAVE NO MORE DESIRE

TO GET THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE

THAN I DID TO EAT THOSE PANCAKES.

[vomits]

BUT I ATE THEM.

AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I CAN KEEP GOING

WHEN ALL SEEMS LOST--

THAT'S A GREAT THING TO ACQUIRE.

EATING 30 PANCAKES--

FIVE STARS.

- THAT'S IT FOR REVIEW. I'M FORREST MACNEIL,

AND MY WIFE IS PROBABLY [bleep] HER LAWYER RIGHT NOW.

- AND I'M A.J. GIBBS. GOOD NIGHT.

[triumphant fanfare]

SO YOU AGREE WITH ME?

- YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

THEY'RE [bleep]. - SO MUCH CHEMISTRY.

- DEFINITELY [bleep]. - YEAH.