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1
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,700
- LIFE: IT'S LITERALLY
ALL WE HAVE.
2
00:00:10,733 --> 00:00:12,173
BUT IS IT ANY GOOD?
3
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,700
I'M A REVIEWER,
BUT I DON'T REVIEW
4
00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:15,533
FOOD, BOOKS, OR MOVIES.
5
00:00:15,567 --> 00:00:17,967
I REVIEW LIFE ITSELF.
6
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,900
VIVATHE REVOLUTION!
7
00:00:19,933 --> 00:00:21,473
[crowd cheering]
8
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,130
[triumphant music]
9
00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:25,367
AAH!
10
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:33,130
*
11
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,697
HELLO, AND WELCOME
TO REVIEW.
12
00:00:35,733 --> 00:00:37,233
I'M FORREST MACNEIL.
13
00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,827
WHATEVER LIFE EXPERIENCE
YOU'RE CURIOUS ABOUT,
14
00:00:39,867 --> 00:00:42,967
I WILL DO IT,
AND THEN I WILL REVIEW IT.
15
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,670
AND HERE TO FIELD
YOUR INQUIRIES
16
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,500
FROM THE REVIEW COMMAND CENTER
IS A.J. GIBBS.
17
00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:50,233
A.J., IF WE DO THIS RIGHT,
18
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:53,397
WE'LL SHED NEW LIGHT
ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ALIVE.
19
00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:55,403
- WE'D BETTER DO IT RIGHT.
20
00:00:55,433 --> 00:00:56,673
- YES, WE'D BETTER.
21
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:59,000
MY FIRST REVIEW.
WHAT IS IT, PLEASE?
22
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,373
- YOUR FIRST REVIEW
COMES TO US FROM MORK
23
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,600
IN LINCOLN, NEBRASKA.
24
00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:04,103
- MORK?
- YEAH.
25
00:01:04,133 --> 00:01:05,373
- WELL, YOU DON'T
HEAR THAT VERY OFTEN.
26
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,970
- NO.
- HI, I'M MARK.
27
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,727
- OH.
28
00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,727
- FORREST, I'M THINKING
ABOUT STEALING MY MOM'S TV,
29
00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:12,697
BUT I WONDER WHAT
IT WOULD FEEL LIKE.
30
00:01:12,733 --> 00:01:14,903
WOULD THE GUILT DEVOUR ME
FROM THE INSIDE OUT,
31
00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:17,203
OR WOULD I LIKE IT SO MUCH
THAT I LOSE INTEREST
32
00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:19,803
IN EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE?
33
00:01:19,833 --> 00:01:21,573
- STEALING.
34
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,600
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO TAKE THINGS
THAT AREN'T YOURS?
35
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,197
I'M GONNA FIND OUT.
36
00:01:29,233 --> 00:01:32,403
AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW, MARK.
- GOOD LUCK.
37
00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:39,273
- MY OLD FRIEND
MALTED MILK BALLS.
38
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,730
A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK,
I COME HERE
39
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,527
AND SCOOP A FEW
OF THESE FELLAS INTO A BAG,
40
00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:44,967
BRING IT UP
TO THE REGISTER,
41
00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:46,597
AND TRADE MY MONEY
FOR MY BALLS.
42
00:01:46,633 --> 00:01:48,533
BUT TODAY--
OH, HELLO.
43
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,727
[chuckles]
44
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:52,967
TODAY I'M SKIPPING
THAT LAST PART.
45
00:01:53,067 --> 00:01:55,597
COME ON. OKAY.
46
00:01:55,633 --> 00:01:57,803
OH, BOY.
47
00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,203
OH, WOW.
48
00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:00,873
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
49
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,500
WHAT AM I DOING?
50
00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,603
DIDN'T REALLY FIND ANYTHING
TO BUY TODAY, SO--
51
00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:05,873
- OKAY.
- JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
52
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,130
[thud]
OH, OH.
53
00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,467
- YOU ALL RIGHT, DOG?
54
00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,170
- I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
55
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,470
I'M REALLY DOING THIS.
56
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,700
[deep breath]
OKAY.
57
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:15,273
THESE PEOPLE TRUST ME.
58
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,830
I CAN GO TO JAIL
FOR THIS.
59
00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:20,067
AAH.
60
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,967
[growls]
61
00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:25,697
OH, WOW.
THAT WAS EXCITING.
62
00:02:25,733 --> 00:02:28,473
I MEAN, IT WAS SCARY,
BUT IT WAS KIND OF SCARY
63
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:30,330
LIKE A ROLLER COASTER,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
64
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,767
AND I-I CAN'T SAY
65
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,830
I FEEL ANY GUILT
ABOUT IT, REALLY.
66
00:02:35,867 --> 00:02:37,197
AND LOOK AT THESE.
67
00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:38,473
I MEAN, THESE
ARE MY FAVORITES.
68
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,500
[chuckles]
69
00:02:40,533 --> 00:02:44,273
I WONDER IF MY THEFT
WAS TOO IMPERSONAL.
70
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,730
HMM.
71
00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:50,467
HEY, PARDON ME.
72
00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:52,100
CAN I GIVE YOU A HAND
WITH THOSE?
73
00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:53,633
- OH, THANK YOU.
74
00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:55,667
- OH, SURE.
OH, GOOD, YEAH.
75
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,100
- IT'S SO HARD TO GET--
76
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:59,073
- OH, I KNOW, YES.
77
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,727
WELL, MY PLEASURE.
78
00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:03,597
[clears throat]
79
00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:05,203
SORRY.
80
00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,433
OH, YEAH.
81
00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:07,897
- HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
82
00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:09,903
- AH, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
83
00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:12,703
FEELS BAD.
THAT FEELS REALLY BAD.
84
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:15,233
BUT STEALING BEGAN TO LOOK
QUITE DIFFERENT TO ME
85
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,067
WHEN I BROUGHT
THE GROCERIES HOME
86
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,570
AND SHARED THEM WITH MY WIFE
SUZANNE AND SON ERIC.
87
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,830
- CAKE!
- OH, MY GOD.
88
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,067
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
89
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,330
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY...LORRAINE"?
90
00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:25,727
- YEAH. WELL, I GUESS
91
00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,067
THEY JUST HAD
SOME EXTRA CAKES AND--
92
00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,267
- OH. COME HERE, YOU.
93
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:29,670
both: MWAH.
94
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:31,230
- VERY GOOD.
- I LOVE THESE SURPRISES.
95
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,897
- YES.
96
00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:34,533
- A LOT OF SHREDDED WHEAT
IN HERE, HUH?
97
00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:36,597
- YEAH.
98
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:39,373
TO TRULY EXPERIENCE
LIFE AS A THIEF,
99
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,270
I REALIZED I WOULD
HAVE TO PUT MYSELF
100
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:45,370
AT GREATER AND GREATER RISK
OF LEGAL CONSEQUENCES.
101
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,900
MY CRIMES COULD
NO LONGER BE EASY
102
00:03:47,933 --> 00:03:51,533
OR SIMPLY VICTIMIZE
THE OLD AND THE SLOW.
103
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,097
- EXCUSE ME.
- OH.
104
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,073
- DID YOU JUST TAKE MY HAT?
105
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:56,327
- NO.
106
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:57,567
HEY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
107
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,470
IF SOMEBODY DID
TAKE YOUR HAT,
108
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,500
I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO HAVE MINE.
109
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,933
COME ON.
110
00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:05,927
[laughs]
YEAH, WHY NOT?
111
00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:07,297
I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND
112
00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:08,803
THAT I WAS
INCREDIBLY TALENTED
113
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:10,933
AT SEPARATING PEOPLE
FROM THEIR BELONGINGS.
114
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:12,797
MY GOODNESS.
HEY, IS THAT JUSTIN BIEBER,
115
00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:14,573
OR DOES SHE JUST
LOOK LIKE HIM?
116
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,830
NO, THAT'S HIM.
117
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:18,067
WHAT AN ANGELIC FACE
HE'S GOT.
118
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,497
THERE WAS NOTHING
I COULD NOT HAVE...
119
00:04:20,533 --> 00:04:22,133
FOR FREE.
120
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:23,797
[siren wails]
121
00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,803
[police radio chatter]
122
00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:36,803
[light classical music]
123
00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:40,733
*
124
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,227
- GO!
125
00:04:42,267 --> 00:04:44,227
- INSPIRED BY MY SUCCESSES
WITH PETTY CRIME,
126
00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:46,927
I CONVERTED THE REVIEW OFFICES
INTO A STAGING GROUND
127
00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:48,597
FOR MY MOST AMBITIOUS HEIST YET.
128
00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:49,973
WE ARE NOT HERE
FOR YOUR MONEY.
129
00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:51,267
WE ARE HERE
FOR THE BANK'S MONEY,
130
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:52,930
WHICH IS FEDERALLY INSURED.
131
00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:55,227
I ENLISTED THE AID OF
MY EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT LUCILLE
132
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,067
AND OUR OFFICE INTERN JOSH.
133
00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:58,467
WE WOULD NOT
GO UNPREPARED.
134
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:01,130
AS WE SAW DURING
THE FISCAL CRISIS OF 2008,
135
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,167
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
WILL NOT HESITATE
136
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,070
TO STEP IN AND BAIL OUT
THE BANKS...
137
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:06,500
- 30 SECONDS!
- WITH TAXPAYER MONEY, AND--
138
00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:08,073
WHEN WE DO IT,
I'LL MAKE IT SHORTER.
139
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,630
IT'S TOO LONG. OKAY.
140
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,197
- IF YOU'RE THE HEAD TELLER,
RAISE YOUR HAND!
141
00:05:11,233 --> 00:05:12,733
- WILL YOU PLEASE
BE THE HEAD TELLER, LUCILLE?
142
00:05:12,767 --> 00:05:14,827
PLEASE. GOOD. OKAY.
- GREAT.
143
00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:17,067
OKAY. TAKE ME INTO THE VAULT,
RIGHT NOW!
144
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,627
NO FUNNY BUSINESS.
- GREAT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
145
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:21,667
WHERE'S THE VAULT?
- OH, IT'S OVER HERE.
146
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,303
- THANK YOU.
147
00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:38,333
- GRACIAS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
148
00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:42,303
- GOOD. SO YOU'RE HEADED
TO THE VAULT.
149
00:05:42,333 --> 00:05:44,073
- RIGHT.
150
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,397
- LUCILLE, DO YOU
HAVE THE STOCKINGS?
151
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,333
- YES, I DO.
152
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,367
- OH.
153
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,667
- THERE'S THE GUARD,
MR. MACNEIL.
154
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:02,100
- OKAY.
155
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:03,573
LET'S DO THIS.
156
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,700
- THANK YOU.
157
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,273
- MM-HMM.
158
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,770
- THEY CERTAINLY ARE WARM.
159
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,900
- IT'S NICE.
160
00:06:10,933 --> 00:06:12,533
- ALL RIGHT.
161
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:13,767
HEAD TELLER.
- YEAH.
162
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,370
- STRAIGHT TO THE VAULT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
163
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,730
- AND I'M CROWD CONTROL.
164
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,897
YOU READY?
- YEAH.
165
00:06:18,933 --> 00:06:21,573
- LET'S GO.
- [laughs]
166
00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:27,297
[laughs]
167
00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:30,933
- PLEASE DON'T SKIP.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
168
00:06:30,967 --> 00:06:32,867
LET'S GET IT.
169
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:34,930
- DROP YOUR WEAPON!
- OH, NO, NO, NO!
170
00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:36,197
[gunshots]
171
00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,533
OH, GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH!
172
00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:40,297
[all screaming]
LET'S GO! LET'S GO! GET OUT!
173
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,573
OH, LOOK AT THAT!
174
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,370
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
175
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:45,770
- OH, MY--OH, MAN--
176
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,530
- OH, YOU ARE GONNA DIE.
- NO!
177
00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,197
- YES, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
- SHUT UP!
178
00:06:49,233 --> 00:06:50,773
- START THE CAR, LUCILLE!
179
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,530
- WHAT?
- THERE WAS ANOTHER GUARD!
180
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:54,597
START THE CAR!
START THE CAR!
181
00:06:54,633 --> 00:06:56,773
OPEN THE DOORS!
- HOLD ON.
182
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,300
- REACH THROUGH
AND OPEN THE HANDLE.
183
00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,803
MANUALLY OPEN IT.
- THERE!
184
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:02,133
- THANK YOU.
WHY WAS THAT SO HARD?
185
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,627
COME ON, JOSH!
186
00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,467
- HE'S BLEEDING.
- YES, I KNOW HE'S--
187
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:06,770
- [screams]
- GO, GO, GO!
188
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,500
DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE!
- AAH!
189
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:10,473
- OH, WHAT A POINTLESS
WAY TO DIE!
190
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,430
- YOU DON'T KNOW
THAT I'M DYING!
191
00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:13,927
- YOU DON'T SEE THE BLOOD!
192
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,527
THIS IS A LOT OF BLOOD!
- I'M GONNA BE FINE!
193
00:07:15,567 --> 00:07:16,797
- IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT US
194
00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:18,073
TO SAY TO YOUR FAMILY?
195
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,767
- [bleep] YOU!
I TRUSTED YOU.
196
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,300
- OH, DON'T SAY THAT--
197
00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:22,703
ALTHOUGH WE DID NOT
LEAVE THE BANK
198
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:25,073
WITH A GARBAGE BAG
FULL OF CASH,
199
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,967
I TOOK AWAY SOMETHING
FAR MORE VALUABLE:
200
00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:31,167
A NEWFOUND RESPECT
FOR AMERICA'S UNPAID INTERNS.
201
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,130
JOSH'S SCREAMS
WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER.
202
00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:35,467
- AAH! OH, GOD!
203
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:38,430
- MY ONLY CONSOLATION,
IF THERE EVEN IS A CONSOLATION,
204
00:07:38,467 --> 00:07:40,197
IS THAT HE WILL NOW
CARRY AROUND WITH HIM,
205
00:07:40,233 --> 00:07:41,673
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE,
206
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,930
A REMINDER ABOUT THE FOLLIES
OF STEALING...
207
00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:47,697
ON HIS BUTTOCKS.
THAT'S WHERE THE REMINDER IS.
208
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:50,733
STEALING: TWO STARS.
209
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:01,897
- LET'S SEE WHAT
MY NEXT REVIEW IS, A.J.
210
00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:05,773
- PATTY IN
PARK CITY, UTAH, TEXTS:
211
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,430
- WELL, THE ONLY THING
I'VE EVER BEEN ADDICTED TO
212
00:08:17,467 --> 00:08:19,867
IS A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE.
213
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,300
I GUESS THAT
DOESN'T COUNT, THOUGH.
214
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,203
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
215
00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:25,703
I AM ABOUT TO GO
AND GET MYSELF ADDICTED
216
00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:27,573
TO SOMETHING STRONGER
217
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,430
AND MORE POWERFUL
THAN KNOWLEDGE.
218
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,697
AHA.
219
00:08:31,733 --> 00:08:35,603
THOSE ARE NICELY MADE LINES.
220
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:37,133
WELL, I HAVE NEVER
DONE COCAINE BEFORE,
221
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,867
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
HOW EASY OR HARD IT IS
222
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:40,400
TO GET ADDICTED TO IT.
223
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,973
I CONFESS I AM QUITE NERVOUS
ABOUT THIS, BUT--
224
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:47,367
THANK YOU.
225
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,130
BON VOYAGE.
226
00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,427
- HAPPY SAILING.
227
00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:51,927
- [snorts]
228
00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:53,397
[grunts]
229
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:55,473
AAH. OH!
230
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,430
THAT'S LIKE BLEACH
IN MY SINUSES.
231
00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:58,697
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
232
00:08:58,733 --> 00:09:01,633
[coughs, hacks]
233
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,327
NO. THAT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING.
234
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:05,597
GOOD-BYE, COCAINE.
235
00:09:05,633 --> 00:09:07,373
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
MISTER--
236
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,700
AAH.
- WHAT?
237
00:09:09,733 --> 00:09:11,503
YOU WOULD'VE LIKED
TO HAVE DONE THAT COCAINE?
238
00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:13,103
- NO.
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
239
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:15,703
THAT'S ABSOLUTE GARBAGE.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
240
00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:17,773
I FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A WALK.
YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK?
241
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,330
- YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA
TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH REAL QUICK.
242
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:20,827
- THAT'S FINE.
243
00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:22,927
SOME PEOPLE SIMPLY
CAN'T GET ADDICTED.
244
00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:24,927
THEIR BRAINS ARE TOO STURDY.
245
00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:26,427
COULD THIS BE MY PROBLEM?
246
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:28,797
I TESTED THAT HYPOTHESIS
WITH TWO OTHER
247
00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:30,873
FAMOUSLY ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES:
248
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:32,530
CIGARETTES FILLED
WITH TOBACCO...
249
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,327
[coughing]
250
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:35,597
OH, NO, NO, NO.
251
00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:37,133
AND ALCOHOLIC WINE.
252
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:40,267
BUT I COULD NOT GET
THOSE MONKEYS ON MY BACK.
253
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:43,200
ALL THIS DOES
IS MAKE ME SLEEPY.
254
00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:46,303
I THINK I'LL, UH,
GO TO THE BATHROOM.
255
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,067
[exhales]
256
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,197
SO YOU CAN ADD ALCOHOL
TO THE LIST
257
00:09:52,233 --> 00:09:53,873
OF [bleep]
I'M NOT ADDICTED TO.
258
00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:55,800
I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUST
INVULNERABLE TO ADDICTION.
259
00:09:55,833 --> 00:09:57,633
LIKE, WHAT AM I,
A SUPERHERO?
260
00:09:57,667 --> 00:09:59,297
IT'S MR. INVULNERABLE!
261
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,833
[laughs]
262
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,427
OKAY, SO I HAVE TRIED
263
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:04,097
COCAINE, CIGARETTES, ALCOHOL.
264
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:05,603
DIDN'T GET ADDICTED
TO ANY OF THOSE.
265
00:10:05,633 --> 00:10:07,273
BUT THERE'S ONE MORE THING
I NEED TO TRY.
266
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,600
COCAINE!
[chuckles]
267
00:10:09,633 --> 00:10:12,503
JUST LIKE MY WIFE SUZANNE,
WHO FOR YEARS
268
00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:15,703
HAD ENJOYED TAKING POT
FROM TIME TO TIME,
269
00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:17,673
MY OCCASIONAL RECREATIONAL USE
OF COCAINE
270
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,500
HAD IMPROVED MY LIFE.
271
00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:21,203
I WAS MORE PRODUCTIVE...
272
00:10:21,233 --> 00:10:22,833
RED ONES AND YELLOW ONES.
I GOT A LOT OF RED BOOKS--
273
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:24,097
I MADE MORE SCARVES...
274
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,103
I'M MAKING YOU ONE.
275
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,303
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL WEAR IT
OR NOT--I DON'T EVEN CARE.
276
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:28,603
I WAS A BETTER FATHER.
277
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:29,873
CHICKEN LITTLE GOES UP
TO HENNY PENNY.
278
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,500
"HENNY PENNY,
THE SKY IS FALLING!"
279
00:10:31,533 --> 00:10:32,873
AND OF COURSE HENNY PENNY
DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM.
280
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,270
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THE SKY IS FALLING?"
281
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,770
THE SKY IS FALLING!
282
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,500
[snores]
283
00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:39,633
[sniffs]
OKAY.
284
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:40,867
ALL RIGHT.
285
00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:42,270
- HEY, FORREST.
- [grunts]
286
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,700
- DID YOU MAKE
14 ATM WITHDRAW--
287
00:10:43,733 --> 00:10:45,173
WHOA.
- YEAH, SORRY.
288
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,700
- WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
- NOTHING, IT BROKE.
289
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:47,973
IT JUST BROKE.
IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.
290
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,330
NO. WHAT? WHAT?
- OKAY.
291
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,527
SOMEBODY MADE 14 ATM WITHDRAWALS
THIS WEEK.
292
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:52,797
- WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME
THAT IT WOULD BE ME?
293
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:54,033
DID YOU EVER CONSIDER MAYBE
294
00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:55,467
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME IS DOING IT?
295
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:56,700
IT COULD BE
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.
296
00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:57,973
- WHO'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME?
297
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,600
- YOU KNOW, UPSTAIRS.
298
00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:01,503
THE KID.
[clears throat]
299
00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:02,833
ALL RIGHT, HOT SHOT,
DO YOU KNOW HIS NAME?
300
00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:04,597
- ERIC?
301
00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:06,703
- ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YES, YOU WIN THAT ONE.
302
00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:08,073
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
303
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,327
- NOTHING'S WRONG.
I'M FINE.
304
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:12,497
I'M JUST TRYING
TO EAT SOMETHING.
305
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,833
- [sighs]
306
00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:15,427
- SHOW ME WHAT I DID WRONG.
307
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,397
- I'M PRETTY SURE
THESE GRAY ONES GO IN HERE.
308
00:11:17,433 --> 00:11:18,733
- I VOLUNTEERED
TO CHAPERONE ERIC
309
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:20,667
AND HIS FRIENDS
ON A CAMPING TRIP
310
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,170
AND MADE
AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY
311
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,270
ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP
TO COCAINE.
312
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,230
WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, ERIC.
313
00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:30,497
HAVE YOU SEEN, UH,
THAT BAG THAT I HAD,
314
00:11:30,533 --> 00:11:34,673
THAT LITTLE PLASTIC BAG
OF, UH, CAMPING POWDER?
315
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:36,170
- NO.
316
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,270
- BEING SEPARATED
FROM COCAINE FOR SIX HOURS
317
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,370
MADE ME REALIZE
I HAD A PROBLEM,
318
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,600
AND I NEEDED HELP...
319
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,373
IN THE FORM
OF MORE COCAINE.
320
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,070
- HEY, MR. MACNEIL.
- DO YOU HAVE IT?
321
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,070
- YEAH.
- THANK YOU.
322
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:48,827
GOD.
323
00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:50,367
ALL RIGHT, MEN, WE'RE GONNA DO
EVERYTHING THIS WEEKEND.
324
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,770
WE'RE GONNA GET OUR
BIRD-WATCHING BADGES.
325
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,400
WHO WANTS THEIR BIRD-WATCH--
ANYBODY WANT
326
00:11:53,433 --> 00:11:55,373
THEIR BIRD-WATCHING BADGE,
WE'RE GONNA DO IT.
327
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,230
WE'RE GONNA FIND SOME BIRDS,
AND WE'RE GONNA WATCH THEM,
328
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,727
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET OUR
ORIENTEERING BADGES, YOU GUYS.
329
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,797
- YOUR NOSE IS BLEEDING.
- OH.
330
00:12:00,833 --> 00:12:02,403
THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M HAVING
A HEART ATTACK, YOU GUYS.
331
00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:03,903
- DAD?
- I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
332
00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:05,503
- DO YOU HAVE SHOOTING PAIN
DOWN YOUR ARM?
333
00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:06,973
- YEAH, I GOT SHOOTING PAINS
EVERYWHERE.
334
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,227
OH, MY GOD,
I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
335
00:12:08,267 --> 00:12:09,627
I'M DEFINITELY GONNA DIE.
336
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:11,397
I AM DEFINITELY GONNA DIE!
337
00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:12,633
OH, GOD! OH!
- DAD?
338
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:13,897
- SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
339
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,333
SHUT UP.
HOW DO YOU KNOW CPR?
340
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,067
WHY DO YOU KNOW CPR?
THIS KID'S A COP!
341
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,770
- DAD?
- THIS KID IS A COP!
342
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,570
[birds chirping]
343
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,270
- WE DON'T KNOW
HOW HE'LL REACT,
344
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,970
BUT REMEMBER, YOU LITERALLY
COULD BE SAVING HIS LIFE.
345
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:26,597
SO IT'S IMPORTANT
EVERYONE IS HERE AND--
346
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:27,833
- OH, MY--OKAY.
- OH, WHAT IS THIS?
347
00:12:27,867 --> 00:12:29,497
OH, IS THIS AN INTERVENTION?
348
00:12:29,533 --> 00:12:32,333
ALWAYS A FAST LEARNER,
I WAS PROUD TO SEE
349
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:34,497
I HAD GONE FROM FUMBLED SNORTING
TO OVERDOSE
350
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:36,803
TO FAMILY INTERVENTION
IN RECORD TIME.
351
00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,173
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
PUT YOUR LETTERS AWAY.
352
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,430
I CAN SAVE YOU SOME TIME.
NO, NO, NO.
353
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,797
I'VE BEEN A MONSTER, RIGHT?
354
00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:42,403
EVERYBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT,
RIGHT?
355
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:43,933
I'VE BEEN A REAL TERRIBLE DAD.
I LET YOU DOWN.
356
00:12:43,967 --> 00:12:45,767
I'VE BEEN A HORRIBLE
SON-IN-LAW.
357
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,170
I'VE BEEN A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT
AS A DOG OWNER.
358
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,400
I'VE BEEN SUCH A BAD NEIGHBOR.
359
00:12:50,433 --> 00:12:51,803
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID
TO THESE GUYS.
360
00:12:51,833 --> 00:12:53,733
WHO CARES?
LET'S GO TO REHAB!
361
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:55,067
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO
TO REHAB!
362
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,567
COME ON, TOM, HURRY UP!
363
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,900
I DON'T NEED ANYTHING.
364
00:12:57,933 --> 00:12:59,903
LET'S JUST GO!
LET'S JUST GO!
365
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:03,867
- I-I GUESS I SHOULD GO TOO.
- OKAY.
366
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:07,300
- SORRY.
367
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:09,203
- WELL, I'M GONNA READ
MY SPEECH.
368
00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:11,073
I WORKED HARD ON IT.
369
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:13,827
"IN THE WORDS
OF GRANDMASTER FLASH,
370
00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:16,227
"YOU GOING HIGH
ON THAT COCAINE.
371
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:19,697
YOU GOING CRAZY
LIKE A COCAINE TRAIN."
372
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,173
- WHEN I GET BACK FROM REHAB,
373
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,870
I'LL PROBABLY SAY COCAINE
IS TERRIBLE,
374
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,700
BUT DON'T BELIEVE ME.
COCAINE IS AMAZING!
375
00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:28,173
I GIVE IT A MILLION STARS!
376
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,300
DO NOT BELIEVE THE GUY
IN THE STUDIO
377
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,203
WHO TRIES TO TELL YOU
IT'S TERRIBLE.
378
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:35,233
- [sobbing]
- THAT GUY IS A LIAR!
379
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,970
NO. I AM NOT A LIAR.
380
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,227
HE IS.
381
00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:42,527
I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT
382
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:43,967
WHO WENT TO REHAB
AND GOT CLEAN.
383
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,867
HE IS A DRUG-ADDLED MANIAC
384
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:49,130
WHO NEARLY DESTROYED HIS FAMILY
AND HIS FINANCIAL SECURITY
385
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:50,867
AND HIS HEART AND HIS BRAIN.
386
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:53,900
ADDICTION:
HALF A STAR.
387
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,670
- A.J., MAY I HAVE
MY NEXT REVIEW, PLEASE?
388
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,700
- @KELLYóOFóVT TWEETS:
389
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,500
- GOING TO THE SENIOR PROM.
390
00:14:17,533 --> 00:14:19,673
IT WON'T BE EASY
FOR AN ADULT LIKE ME,
391
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,770
BUT I WILL FIND A WAY
TO DO IT.
392
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,770
PROM SEASON
WAS IN FULL SWING,
393
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,730
BUT TO GAIN ENTRY
TO THIS EXCLUSIVE EVENT,
394
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,367
I'D NEED
AN AGE-APPROPRIATE ESCORT.
395
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,500
I DON'T HAVE A DATE MYSELF.
396
00:14:31,533 --> 00:14:33,173
NO DATE TO THE PROM.
397
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,330
BUT JUST LIKE
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
398
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:38,097
EVERY TEENAGE GIRL I ASKED
ALREADY HAD PLANS.
399
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,433
THAT'S QUITE HURTFUL,
BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.
400
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,727
EXCUSE ME, I DON'T HAVE
A VISITOR'S PASS,
401
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,767
SO I NEED TO MAKE THIS
REALLY QUICK.
402
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,200
HEY, I'M LOOKING FOR A DATE
TO YOUR SENIOR PROM,
403
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,533
AND I DON'T CARE
WHO I GO WITH.
404
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:49,167
HANG ON, NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
405
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,700
OOP, THERE'S THAT
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
406
00:14:50,733 --> 00:14:52,103
WHO WAS GIVING ME GRIEF
BEFORE.
407
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,273
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
IN THE BUILDING.
408
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,830
EVENTUALLY, MY SEARCH
FOR A HUMAN PROM TICKET
409
00:14:58,867 --> 00:15:01,267
LED ME TO MY OWN LIVING ROOM.
410
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,300
I SEE YOU FOUND
THE SANDWICHES.
411
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,933
MEG CARMICHAEL, A SENIOR
AT NEARBY FRANKLIN HIGH,
412
00:15:06,967 --> 00:15:09,397
WAS OUR SITTER.
413
00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:12,403
[classical music playing]
414
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:14,173
*
415
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,400
[music stops]
416
00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:19,773
MEG, THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
417
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,800
YOU'RE A SENIOR
IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW, YES?
418
00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:24,403
- Y-YEAH.
419
00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:27,433
- AND YOU'VE GOT A PROM
COMING UP, RIGHT?
420
00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:29,067
- YEAH.
421
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,067
- HAS ANYONE ASKED YOU
TO YOUR SENIOR PROM YET?
422
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:36,673
- NO.
423
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,800
- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO YOUR PROM WITH ME?
424
00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:47,573
- OKAY.
- YES!
425
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,970
OH, GOODY!
I'M--I'M GLAD. I'M GLAD.
426
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:54,067
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A VERY GOOD TIME.
427
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:56,827
NOW I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
428
00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:58,927
I ARRIVED AT 6:00 SHARP
429
00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:01,867
TO FIND MY DATE LOOKING
ELEGANT AND LADYLIKE.
430
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,630
[chuckles]
LOOK AT THAT DRESS.
431
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:07,197
OH, MY GOODNESS, IT MATCHES
YOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY.
432
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,533
AFTER A BRIEF PHOTO SHOOT
ON THE FRONT LAWN...
433
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:10,967
THIS IS SORT OF AN EXCITING
MILESTONE
434
00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:12,467
FOR PARENTS, ISN'T IT?
435
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,230
WHO KNOWS WHAT'S IN STORE
FOR US TONIGHT?
436
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:16,527
- WE WERE ON OUR WAY.
437
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,527
[dance music]
438
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:20,967
*
439
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,467
WHOO!
440
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,730
PAGING MEG CARMICHAEL
TO THE DANCE FLOOR!
441
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,667
*
442
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,300
MEG WAS A SWEET ENOUGH GIRL,
443
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,833
BUT I QUICKLY REALIZED
THE RESULTS OF MY EXPERIMENT
444
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:34,897
WERE BEING SKEWED BY HER
SEEMINGLY GENETIC INABILITY
445
00:16:34,933 --> 00:16:36,173
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
446
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,470
HUH?
- I'M NOT DANCING.
447
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,970
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA DANCE?
COME ON.
448
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,327
PUT THAT DOWN.
449
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,627
THERE'S BETTER FOOD
THAN THAT HERE.
450
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:42,897
DID YOU BRING THIS FROM HOME?
451
00:16:42,933 --> 00:16:44,233
YOU BROUGHT
YOUR OWN SANDWICH?
452
00:16:44,267 --> 00:16:45,867
LET'S GO HAVE US SOME PROM.
453
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,200
HEY, HOW'S EVERYBODY OVER HERE?
HOW'S IT GOING?
454
00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:50,203
MEG AND I WERE JUST CIRCULATING
ABOUT, MEETING SOME FOLK.
455
00:16:50,233 --> 00:16:51,533
ARE YOU A FRIEND OF MEG'S?
456
00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:53,367
- UM...
- OH, NO.
457
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,200
LOOK AT THAT REACTION.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
458
00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:57,333
HAVE WE SIDLED
UP TO A TABLE FULL
459
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:58,727
OF POPULAR KIDS?
460
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,097
- DID YOU BRING
YOUR S.A.T. TUTOR?
461
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,233
- HE LOOKS LIKE MY PEDIATRICIAN,
DR. NOSEBAUM.
462
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:05,067
- NO, HE'S THE WEATHERMAN,
463
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,570
AND I BET I KNOW
HIS FAVORITE TEMPERATURE.
464
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,800
- WHAT?
- 69.
465
00:17:07,833 --> 00:17:09,533
[laughter]
466
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,067
- ACTUALLY, YES,
THAT IS MY FAVORITE TEMPERATURE.
467
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,730
69 IS MY FAVORITE TEMPERATURE.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
468
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,227
- YES, IT IS. 69.
IT'S LIKE A PERFECT SPRING DAY.
469
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,697
- NO, MR. MACNEIL IT IS NOT--
- A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
470
00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:18,133
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
471
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,867
I LIKE 69.
- NO, NO.
472
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:21,570
- IT'S OUR ONE AND ONLY
PROM NIGHT.
473
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,530
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF WE GET
A BUNCH OF THESE.
474
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,397
LET'S DO ONE WHERE WE'RE BOTH
FLYING TOWARD THE CAMERA, OKAY?
475
00:17:25,433 --> 00:17:27,203
GOOD. OKAY GREAT.
AND THEN LET'S DO THE OLD
476
00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:29,773
ADDAMS FAMILY POSE, LIKE--
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
477
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,200
UH, I FORGET, BUT YEAH.
478
00:17:31,233 --> 00:17:33,303
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO DO--
479
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,533
PLEASE, WE HAVE NOT SETTLED
ON A POSE YET.
480
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:36,967
[romantic music]
481
00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:38,767
ALTHOUGH DEPRESSED MYSELF
AT THIS POINT,
482
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,930
I DECIDED TO RALLY MEG
WITH A PEP TALK.
483
00:17:40,967 --> 00:17:42,797
ONE DAY, EVERYONE HERE
WILL GROW UP,
484
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,903
AND THE PEOPLE WHO WERE MEAN,
THEY WILL REGRET
485
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,203
HOW INSENSITIVE THEY WERE.
486
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,633
- FORREST MACNEIL?
487
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,067
IS THAT YOU?
- YES, IT IS.
488
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,070
- WOW, WHAT ARE THE ODDS, MAN?
489
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:53,127
TODD SCHUSTER.
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
490
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,727
- TODD SCHUSTER!
- YEAH.
491
00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:57,197
- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S AMAZING.
- HOW ARE YA?
492
00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,533
- I'M GOOD.
- WOW.
493
00:17:58,567 --> 00:17:59,867
- WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL
TOGETHER.
494
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,470
WOW.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
495
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:02,870
- I--WELL, I COULD ASK YOU
THE SAME QUESTION.
496
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:04,600
- I'M THE WRESTLING COACH HERE.
497
00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:06,203
- ARE YOU? OH, GREAT.
OH, GOOD.
498
00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:07,673
- SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- YOU KNOW, WELL,
499
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,170
JUST SAME AS EVERYBODY,
I GUESS.
500
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,070
THIS IS A GREAT PROM.
501
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:12,697
THIS IS A PROM.
- YEAH.
502
00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:13,973
- IT'S NOT LIKE OUR PROM,
YOU KNOW.
503
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,797
WE HAD THIS HORRIBLE PROM
504
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,673
IN THIS ABANDONED
FISH FACTORY, AND, YOU KNOW,
505
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,370
NOBODY--I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF YOU WERE THERE FOR THAT.
506
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,630
- I WASN'T, BECAUSE WE SENT YOU
TO DECOY PROM.
507
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,067
[laughs]
YES.
508
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,427
- WHAT?
- YEAH.
509
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:28,327
WE HAD A SEPARATE PROM
FOR THE NERDS,
510
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,097
AND HE FELL FOR IT.
511
00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:31,603
- OH, THAT WAS A S--
OH, OKAY.
512
00:18:31,633 --> 00:18:33,103
- YEAH.
- THAT WAS A SEPARATE PROM--
513
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,833
- YEAH, AND DID YOU HAVE
ANY OF THE PUNCH THERE?
514
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:36,127
- I THINK--
- 'CAUSE WE PISSED IN IT.
515
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:37,797
- OH.
- YEAH.
516
00:18:37,833 --> 00:18:39,703
- YOU GUYS--
- WE DID.
517
00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:41,103
[laughing]
518
00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:42,633
- THAT IS ELABORATE.
519
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,627
- DECOY PROM.
- OH, MAN.
520
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:45,867
SOMETHING ELSE.
521
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,670
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
522
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,170
UH, I FORGIVE YOU,
523
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,270
AND I THINK
WE SHOULD HUG ON IT.
524
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,100
- OH. ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
525
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,303
- WE'RE GONNA HUG IT OUT.
- YEAH, YEAH, I THINK SO.
526
00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:58,173
I THINK, AFTER ALL THIS TIME,
WHY NOT?
527
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,200
- WELL, IT WAS REALLY GREAT
TO RUN INTO YOU.
528
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:01,433
- FANTASTIC.
- ENJOY A REAL PROM.
529
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:02,827
- THANKS, MAN. YEAH.
530
00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,197
[both chuckling]
531
00:19:04,233 --> 00:19:06,403
INCREDIBLE. OKAY.
532
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:09,073
THIS PROM IS ABOUT TO GET FUN.
COME WITH ME.
533
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,067
LET'S GO.
534
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,070
PERHAPS I HAD ALSO GONE
TO DECOY REHAB,
535
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:16,097
BECAUSE I WAS NOT ABLE
TO WITHSTAND THE PRESSURES
536
00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:17,833
OF THIS PROM.
537
00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:20,367
I'M NOT PROUD THAT I STOLE
TODD SCHUSTER'S WALLET,
538
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,870
AND I'M NOT PROUD THAT I SPENT
539
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,300
HIS WRESTLING COACH MONEY
ON COCAINE.
540
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,597
- WHEN YOU GO TO A PROM,
541
00:19:29,633 --> 00:19:31,873
YOU WEAR A COSTUME AND PRETEND
TO BE ALL GROWN UP.
542
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,700
LET'S BLOW.
543
00:19:33,733 --> 00:19:35,073
MEN'S ROOM, RIGHT NOW,
ALL OF YOU.
544
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,400
COME ON, LET'S GO.
545
00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:38,403
BUT IT WAS CLEAR TO ME
THAT DEEP DOWN,
546
00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:40,833
NONE OF US WERE READY
FOR THE ADULT WORLD AT ALL.
547
00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:42,827
[sniffs]
AH, YEAH!
548
00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:44,867
[laughing]
OH!
549
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:47,070
IMMEDIATELY, IT'S LIKE, BANG!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, MEG.
550
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:48,567
LET'S GO.
- NO.
551
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,900
- MEG. MEG.
- I-I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.
552
00:19:50,933 --> 00:19:52,373
all: MEG, MEG, MEG, MEG.
553
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,700
- NO.
all: MEG!
554
00:19:53,733 --> 00:19:55,073
PEER PRESSURE, PEER PRESSURE,
555
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:56,400
PEER PRESSURE, PEER PRESSURE,
556
00:19:56,433 --> 00:19:57,673
PEER PRESSURE, PEER--
557
00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,170
- [laughing]
558
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,430
[cheers, claps]
IT WORKS!
559
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:05,427
[energetic dance music]
560
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:09,227
*
561
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,027
WHOO!
562
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,427
[cheering]
563
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,827
MEG, MEG, MEG, MEG, MEG!
564
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:17,327
[cheering]
565
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,667
- DID YOU SEE THAT?
566
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,570
DID YOU SEE THAT?
567
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,100
- THIS IS ME!
568
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,873
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM!
569
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:25,830
THIS IS WHO I AM!
570
00:20:25,867 --> 00:20:27,497
- WHOO!
571
00:20:27,533 --> 00:20:31,333
[all cheering, shouting]
572
00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:33,067
[police radio chatter]
573
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,530
OH, GOD, I'M GONNA DIE!
574
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,397
- NO!
- I'M GONNA DIE HERE!
575
00:20:37,433 --> 00:20:39,773
[sobbing]
576
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,100
LEAVE ME ALONE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
577
00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:46,773
YOU GUYS ARE RUINING
THE PROM!
578
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,030
MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE THE CHANCE
TO GO TO THE PROM
579
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:50,667
WITH A DATE
WHO'S NOT A SOCIAL OUTCAST
580
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,700
WITH AN UNDIAGNOSED
MOOD DISORDER,
581
00:20:52,733 --> 00:20:55,403
AND YOU WILL HAVE THE NIGHT
OF YOUR LIFE.
582
00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:58,033
BUT FEW PEOPLE
ARE EVER THAT LUCKY,
583
00:20:58,067 --> 00:21:00,267
AND IT IS NOT WORTH
THE RISK.
584
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,100
GOING TO THE PROM:
HALF A STAR.
585
00:21:11,633 --> 00:21:14,403
- [crying]
586
00:21:14,433 --> 00:21:16,073
[mutters]
587
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:18,497
[sobs]
588
00:21:18,533 --> 00:21:20,533
- BACK TO REHAB.
40863
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