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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,700 - LIFE: IT'S LITERALLY ALL WE HAVE. 2 00:00:10,733 --> 00:00:12,173 BUT IS IT ANY GOOD? 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,700 I'M A REVIEWER, BUT I DON'T REVIEW 4 00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:15,533 FOOD, BOOKS, OR MOVIES. 5 00:00:15,567 --> 00:00:17,967 I REVIEW LIFE ITSELF. 6 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,900 VIVATHE REVOLUTION! 7 00:00:19,933 --> 00:00:21,473 [crowd cheering] 8 00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,130 [triumphant music] 9 00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:25,367 AAH! 10 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:33,130 * 11 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,697 HELLO, AND WELCOME TO REVIEW. 12 00:00:35,733 --> 00:00:37,233 I'M FORREST MACNEIL. 13 00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,827 WHATEVER LIFE EXPERIENCE YOU'RE CURIOUS ABOUT, 14 00:00:39,867 --> 00:00:42,967 I WILL DO IT, AND THEN I WILL REVIEW IT. 15 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,670 AND HERE TO FIELD YOUR INQUIRIES 16 00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,500 FROM THE REVIEW COMMAND CENTER IS A.J. GIBBS. 17 00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:50,233 A.J., IF WE DO THIS RIGHT, 18 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:53,397 WE'LL SHED NEW LIGHT ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ALIVE. 19 00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:55,403 - WE'D BETTER DO IT RIGHT. 20 00:00:55,433 --> 00:00:56,673 - YES, WE'D BETTER. 21 00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:59,000 MY FIRST REVIEW. WHAT IS IT, PLEASE? 22 00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,373 - YOUR FIRST REVIEW COMES TO US FROM MORK 23 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,600 IN LINCOLN, NEBRASKA. 24 00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:04,103 - MORK? - YEAH. 25 00:01:04,133 --> 00:01:05,373 - WELL, YOU DON'T HEAR THAT VERY OFTEN. 26 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,970 - NO. - HI, I'M MARK. 27 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,727 - OH. 28 00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,727 - FORREST, I'M THINKING ABOUT STEALING MY MOM'S TV, 29 00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:12,697 BUT I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE. 30 00:01:12,733 --> 00:01:14,903 WOULD THE GUILT DEVOUR ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT, 31 00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:17,203 OR WOULD I LIKE IT SO MUCH THAT I LOSE INTEREST 32 00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:19,803 IN EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE? 33 00:01:19,833 --> 00:01:21,573 - STEALING. 34 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,600 WHAT'S IT LIKE TO TAKE THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS? 35 00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,197 I'M GONNA FIND OUT. 36 00:01:29,233 --> 00:01:32,403 AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW, MARK. - GOOD LUCK. 37 00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:39,273 - MY OLD FRIEND MALTED MILK BALLS. 38 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,730 A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK, I COME HERE 39 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,527 AND SCOOP A FEW OF THESE FELLAS INTO A BAG, 40 00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:44,967 BRING IT UP TO THE REGISTER, 41 00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:46,597 AND TRADE MY MONEY FOR MY BALLS. 42 00:01:46,633 --> 00:01:48,533 BUT TODAY-- OH, HELLO. 43 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,727 [chuckles] 44 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:52,967 TODAY I'M SKIPPING THAT LAST PART. 45 00:01:53,067 --> 00:01:55,597 COME ON. OKAY. 46 00:01:55,633 --> 00:01:57,803 OH, BOY. 47 00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,203 OH, WOW. 48 00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:00,873 WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT AM I DOING? 49 00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,500 WHAT AM I DOING? 50 00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,603 DIDN'T REALLY FIND ANYTHING TO BUY TODAY, SO-- 51 00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:05,873 - OKAY. - JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS. 52 00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,130 [thud] OH, OH. 53 00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,467 - YOU ALL RIGHT, DOG? 54 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,170 - I'M FINE. I'M FINE. 55 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,470 I'M REALLY DOING THIS. 56 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,700 [deep breath] OKAY. 57 00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:15,273 THESE PEOPLE TRUST ME. 58 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,830 I CAN GO TO JAIL FOR THIS. 59 00:02:16,867 --> 00:02:20,067 AAH. 60 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,967 [growls] 61 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:25,697 OH, WOW. THAT WAS EXCITING. 62 00:02:25,733 --> 00:02:28,473 I MEAN, IT WAS SCARY, BUT IT WAS KIND OF SCARY 63 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:30,330 LIKE A ROLLER COASTER, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 64 00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,767 AND I-I CAN'T SAY 65 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,830 I FEEL ANY GUILT ABOUT IT, REALLY. 66 00:02:35,867 --> 00:02:37,197 AND LOOK AT THESE. 67 00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:38,473 I MEAN, THESE ARE MY FAVORITES. 68 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,500 [chuckles] 69 00:02:40,533 --> 00:02:44,273 I WONDER IF MY THEFT WAS TOO IMPERSONAL. 70 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,730 HMM. 71 00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:50,467 HEY, PARDON ME. 72 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:52,100 CAN I GIVE YOU A HAND WITH THOSE? 73 00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:53,633 - OH, THANK YOU. 74 00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:55,667 - OH, SURE. OH, GOOD, YEAH. 75 00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,100 - IT'S SO HARD TO GET-- 76 00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:59,073 - OH, I KNOW, YES. 77 00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,727 WELL, MY PLEASURE. 78 00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:03,597 [clears throat] 79 00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:05,203 SORRY. 80 00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,433 OH, YEAH. 81 00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:07,897 - HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 82 00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:09,903 - AH, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT. 83 00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:12,703 FEELS BAD. THAT FEELS REALLY BAD. 84 00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:15,233 BUT STEALING BEGAN TO LOOK QUITE DIFFERENT TO ME 85 00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,067 WHEN I BROUGHT THE GROCERIES HOME 86 00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,570 AND SHARED THEM WITH MY WIFE SUZANNE AND SON ERIC. 87 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,830 - CAKE! - OH, MY GOD. 88 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,067 WHAT DOES IT SAY? 89 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,330 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY...LORRAINE"? 90 00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:25,727 - YEAH. WELL, I GUESS 91 00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,067 THEY JUST HAD SOME EXTRA CAKES AND-- 92 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,267 - OH. COME HERE, YOU. 93 00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:29,670 both: MWAH. 94 00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:31,230 - VERY GOOD. - I LOVE THESE SURPRISES. 95 00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,897 - YES. 96 00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:34,533 - A LOT OF SHREDDED WHEAT IN HERE, HUH? 97 00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:36,597 - YEAH. 98 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:39,373 TO TRULY EXPERIENCE LIFE AS A THIEF, 99 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,270 I REALIZED I WOULD HAVE TO PUT MYSELF 100 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:45,370 AT GREATER AND GREATER RISK OF LEGAL CONSEQUENCES. 101 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,900 MY CRIMES COULD NO LONGER BE EASY 102 00:03:47,933 --> 00:03:51,533 OR SIMPLY VICTIMIZE THE OLD AND THE SLOW. 103 00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,097 - EXCUSE ME. - OH. 104 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,073 - DID YOU JUST TAKE MY HAT? 105 00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:56,327 - NO. 106 00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:57,567 HEY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? 107 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,470 IF SOMEBODY DID TAKE YOUR HAT, 108 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,500 I WOULD LIKE YOU TO HAVE MINE. 109 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,933 COME ON. 110 00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:05,927 [laughs] YEAH, WHY NOT? 111 00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:07,297 I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND 112 00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:08,803 THAT I WAS INCREDIBLY TALENTED 113 00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:10,933 AT SEPARATING PEOPLE FROM THEIR BELONGINGS. 114 00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:12,797 MY GOODNESS. HEY, IS THAT JUSTIN BIEBER, 115 00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:14,573 OR DOES SHE JUST LOOK LIKE HIM? 116 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,830 NO, THAT'S HIM. 117 00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:18,067 WHAT AN ANGELIC FACE HE'S GOT. 118 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,497 THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD NOT HAVE... 119 00:04:20,533 --> 00:04:22,133 FOR FREE. 120 00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:23,797 [siren wails] 121 00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,803 [police radio chatter] 122 00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:36,803 [light classical music] 123 00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:40,733 * 124 00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,227 - GO! 125 00:04:42,267 --> 00:04:44,227 - INSPIRED BY MY SUCCESSES WITH PETTY CRIME, 126 00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:46,927 I CONVERTED THE REVIEW OFFICES INTO A STAGING GROUND 127 00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:48,597 FOR MY MOST AMBITIOUS HEIST YET. 128 00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:49,973 WE ARE NOT HERE FOR YOUR MONEY. 129 00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:51,267 WE ARE HERE FOR THE BANK'S MONEY, 130 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:52,930 WHICH IS FEDERALLY INSURED. 131 00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:55,227 I ENLISTED THE AID OF MY EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT LUCILLE 132 00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,067 AND OUR OFFICE INTERN JOSH. 133 00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:58,467 WE WOULD NOT GO UNPREPARED. 134 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:01,130 AS WE SAW DURING THE FISCAL CRISIS OF 2008, 135 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,167 THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT HESITATE 136 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,070 TO STEP IN AND BAIL OUT THE BANKS... 137 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:06,500 - 30 SECONDS! - WITH TAXPAYER MONEY, AND-- 138 00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:08,073 WHEN WE DO IT, I'LL MAKE IT SHORTER. 139 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,630 IT'S TOO LONG. OKAY. 140 00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,197 - IF YOU'RE THE HEAD TELLER, RAISE YOUR HAND! 141 00:05:11,233 --> 00:05:12,733 - WILL YOU PLEASE BE THE HEAD TELLER, LUCILLE? 142 00:05:12,767 --> 00:05:14,827 PLEASE. GOOD. OKAY. - GREAT. 143 00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:17,067 OKAY. TAKE ME INTO THE VAULT, RIGHT NOW! 144 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,627 NO FUNNY BUSINESS. - GREAT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 145 00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:21,667 WHERE'S THE VAULT? - OH, IT'S OVER HERE. 146 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,303 - THANK YOU. 147 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:38,333 - GRACIAS. - YOU'RE WELCOME. 148 00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:42,303 - GOOD. SO YOU'RE HEADED TO THE VAULT. 149 00:05:42,333 --> 00:05:44,073 - RIGHT. 150 00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,397 - LUCILLE, DO YOU HAVE THE STOCKINGS? 151 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,333 - YES, I DO. 152 00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,367 - OH. 153 00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,667 - THERE'S THE GUARD, MR. MACNEIL. 154 00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:02,100 - OKAY. 155 00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:03,573 LET'S DO THIS. 156 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,700 - THANK YOU. 157 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,273 - MM-HMM. 158 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,770 - THEY CERTAINLY ARE WARM. 159 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,900 - IT'S NICE. 160 00:06:10,933 --> 00:06:12,533 - ALL RIGHT. 161 00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:13,767 HEAD TELLER. - YEAH. 162 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,370 - STRAIGHT TO THE VAULT, RIGHT? - RIGHT. 163 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,730 - AND I'M CROWD CONTROL. 164 00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,897 YOU READY? - YEAH. 165 00:06:18,933 --> 00:06:21,573 - LET'S GO. - [laughs] 166 00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:27,297 [laughs] 167 00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:30,933 - PLEASE DON'T SKIP. - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 168 00:06:30,967 --> 00:06:32,867 LET'S GET IT. 169 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:34,930 - DROP YOUR WEAPON! - OH, NO, NO, NO! 170 00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:36,197 [gunshots] 171 00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,533 OH, GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH! 172 00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:40,297 [all screaming] LET'S GO! LET'S GO! GET OUT! 173 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,573 OH, LOOK AT THAT! 174 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,370 OH, I'M SO SORRY. 175 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:45,770 - OH, MY--OH, MAN-- 176 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,530 - OH, YOU ARE GONNA DIE. - NO! 177 00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,197 - YES, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. - SHUT UP! 178 00:06:49,233 --> 00:06:50,773 - START THE CAR, LUCILLE! 179 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,530 - WHAT? - THERE WAS ANOTHER GUARD! 180 00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:54,597 START THE CAR! START THE CAR! 181 00:06:54,633 --> 00:06:56,773 OPEN THE DOORS! - HOLD ON. 182 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,300 - REACH THROUGH AND OPEN THE HANDLE. 183 00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,803 MANUALLY OPEN IT. - THERE! 184 00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:02,133 - THANK YOU. WHY WAS THAT SO HARD? 185 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,627 COME ON, JOSH! 186 00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,467 - HE'S BLEEDING. - YES, I KNOW HE'S-- 187 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:06,770 - [screams] - GO, GO, GO! 188 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,500 DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE! - AAH! 189 00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:10,473 - OH, WHAT A POINTLESS WAY TO DIE! 190 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,430 - YOU DON'T KNOW THAT I'M DYING! 191 00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:13,927 - YOU DON'T SEE THE BLOOD! 192 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,527 THIS IS A LOT OF BLOOD! - I'M GONNA BE FINE! 193 00:07:15,567 --> 00:07:16,797 - IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT US 194 00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:18,073 TO SAY TO YOUR FAMILY? 195 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,767 - [bleep] YOU! I TRUSTED YOU. 196 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,300 - OH, DON'T SAY THAT-- 197 00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:22,703 ALTHOUGH WE DID NOT LEAVE THE BANK 198 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:25,073 WITH A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF CASH, 199 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,967 I TOOK AWAY SOMETHING FAR MORE VALUABLE: 200 00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:31,167 A NEWFOUND RESPECT FOR AMERICA'S UNPAID INTERNS. 201 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,130 JOSH'S SCREAMS WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER. 202 00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:35,467 - AAH! OH, GOD! 203 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:38,430 - MY ONLY CONSOLATION, IF THERE EVEN IS A CONSOLATION, 204 00:07:38,467 --> 00:07:40,197 IS THAT HE WILL NOW CARRY AROUND WITH HIM, 205 00:07:40,233 --> 00:07:41,673 FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, 206 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,930 A REMINDER ABOUT THE FOLLIES OF STEALING... 207 00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:47,697 ON HIS BUTTOCKS. THAT'S WHERE THE REMINDER IS. 208 00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:50,733 STEALING: TWO STARS. 209 00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:01,897 - LET'S SEE WHAT MY NEXT REVIEW IS, A.J. 210 00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:05,773 - PATTY IN PARK CITY, UTAH, TEXTS: 211 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,430 - WELL, THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BEEN ADDICTED TO 212 00:08:17,467 --> 00:08:19,867 IS A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE. 213 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,300 I GUESS THAT DOESN'T COUNT, THOUGH. 214 00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,203 - I DON'T THINK SO. - ALL RIGHT, THEN. 215 00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:25,703 I AM ABOUT TO GO AND GET MYSELF ADDICTED 216 00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:27,573 TO SOMETHING STRONGER 217 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,430 AND MORE POWERFUL THAN KNOWLEDGE. 218 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,697 AHA. 219 00:08:31,733 --> 00:08:35,603 THOSE ARE NICELY MADE LINES. 220 00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:37,133 WELL, I HAVE NEVER DONE COCAINE BEFORE, 221 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,867 AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW EASY OR HARD IT IS 222 00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:40,400 TO GET ADDICTED TO IT. 223 00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,973 I CONFESS I AM QUITE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS, BUT-- 224 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:47,367 THANK YOU. 225 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,130 BON VOYAGE. 226 00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,427 - HAPPY SAILING. 227 00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:51,927 - [snorts] 228 00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:53,397 [grunts] 229 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:55,473 AAH. OH! 230 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,430 THAT'S LIKE BLEACH IN MY SINUSES. 231 00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:58,697 THAT'S TERRIBLE. 232 00:08:58,733 --> 00:09:01,633 [coughs, hacks] 233 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,327 NO. THAT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING. 234 00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:05,597 GOOD-BYE, COCAINE. 235 00:09:05,633 --> 00:09:07,373 - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, MISTER-- 236 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,700 AAH. - WHAT? 237 00:09:09,733 --> 00:09:11,503 YOU WOULD'VE LIKED TO HAVE DONE THAT COCAINE? 238 00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:13,103 - NO. - NO, OF COURSE NOT. 239 00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:15,703 THAT'S ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. THAT'S TERRIBLE. 240 00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:17,773 I FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A WALK. YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK? 241 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,330 - YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH REAL QUICK. 242 00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:20,827 - THAT'S FINE. 243 00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:22,927 SOME PEOPLE SIMPLY CAN'T GET ADDICTED. 244 00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:24,927 THEIR BRAINS ARE TOO STURDY. 245 00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:26,427 COULD THIS BE MY PROBLEM? 246 00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:28,797 I TESTED THAT HYPOTHESIS WITH TWO OTHER 247 00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:30,873 FAMOUSLY ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES: 248 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:32,530 CIGARETTES FILLED WITH TOBACCO... 249 00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,327 [coughing] 250 00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:35,597 OH, NO, NO, NO. 251 00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:37,133 AND ALCOHOLIC WINE. 252 00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:40,267 BUT I COULD NOT GET THOSE MONKEYS ON MY BACK. 253 00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:43,200 ALL THIS DOES IS MAKE ME SLEEPY. 254 00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:46,303 I THINK I'LL, UH, GO TO THE BATHROOM. 255 00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,067 [exhales] 256 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,197 SO YOU CAN ADD ALCOHOL TO THE LIST 257 00:09:52,233 --> 00:09:53,873 OF [bleep] I'M NOT ADDICTED TO. 258 00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:55,800 I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUST INVULNERABLE TO ADDICTION. 259 00:09:55,833 --> 00:09:57,633 LIKE, WHAT AM I, A SUPERHERO? 260 00:09:57,667 --> 00:09:59,297 IT'S MR. INVULNERABLE! 261 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,833 [laughs] 262 00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,427 OKAY, SO I HAVE TRIED 263 00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:04,097 COCAINE, CIGARETTES, ALCOHOL. 264 00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:05,603 DIDN'T GET ADDICTED TO ANY OF THOSE. 265 00:10:05,633 --> 00:10:07,273 BUT THERE'S ONE MORE THING I NEED TO TRY. 266 00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,600 COCAINE! [chuckles] 267 00:10:09,633 --> 00:10:12,503 JUST LIKE MY WIFE SUZANNE, WHO FOR YEARS 268 00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:15,703 HAD ENJOYED TAKING POT FROM TIME TO TIME, 269 00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:17,673 MY OCCASIONAL RECREATIONAL USE OF COCAINE 270 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,500 HAD IMPROVED MY LIFE. 271 00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:21,203 I WAS MORE PRODUCTIVE... 272 00:10:21,233 --> 00:10:22,833 RED ONES AND YELLOW ONES. I GOT A LOT OF RED BOOKS-- 273 00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:24,097 I MADE MORE SCARVES... 274 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,103 I'M MAKING YOU ONE. 275 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,303 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL WEAR IT OR NOT--I DON'T EVEN CARE. 276 00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:28,603 I WAS A BETTER FATHER. 277 00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:29,873 CHICKEN LITTLE GOES UP TO HENNY PENNY. 278 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,500 "HENNY PENNY, THE SKY IS FALLING!" 279 00:10:31,533 --> 00:10:32,873 AND OF COURSE HENNY PENNY DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM. 280 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,270 "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SKY IS FALLING?" 281 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,770 THE SKY IS FALLING! 282 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,500 [snores] 283 00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:39,633 [sniffs] OKAY. 284 00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:40,867 ALL RIGHT. 285 00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:42,270 - HEY, FORREST. - [grunts] 286 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,700 - DID YOU MAKE 14 ATM WITHDRAW-- 287 00:10:43,733 --> 00:10:45,173 WHOA. - YEAH, SORRY. 288 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,700 - WHAT JUST HAPPENED? - NOTHING, IT BROKE. 289 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:47,973 IT JUST BROKE. IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE. 290 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,330 NO. WHAT? WHAT? - OKAY. 291 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,527 SOMEBODY MADE 14 ATM WITHDRAWALS THIS WEEK. 292 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:52,797 - WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT IT WOULD BE ME? 293 00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:54,033 DID YOU EVER CONSIDER MAYBE 294 00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:55,467 WHAT'S-HIS-NAME IS DOING IT? 295 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:56,700 IT COULD BE WHAT'S-HIS-NAME. 296 00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:57,973 - WHO'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME? 297 00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,600 - YOU KNOW, UPSTAIRS. 298 00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:01,503 THE KID. [clears throat] 299 00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:02,833 ALL RIGHT, HOT SHOT, DO YOU KNOW HIS NAME? 300 00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:04,597 - ERIC? 301 00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:06,703 - ALL RIGHT, FINE. YES, YOU WIN THAT ONE. 302 00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:08,073 - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 303 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,327 - NOTHING'S WRONG. I'M FINE. 304 00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:12,497 I'M JUST TRYING TO EAT SOMETHING. 305 00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,833 - [sighs] 306 00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:15,427 - SHOW ME WHAT I DID WRONG. 307 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,397 - I'M PRETTY SURE THESE GRAY ONES GO IN HERE. 308 00:11:17,433 --> 00:11:18,733 - I VOLUNTEERED TO CHAPERONE ERIC 309 00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:20,667 AND HIS FRIENDS ON A CAMPING TRIP 310 00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,170 AND MADE AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY 311 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,270 ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP TO COCAINE. 312 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,230 WAIT A MINUTE. HEY, ERIC. 313 00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:30,497 HAVE YOU SEEN, UH, THAT BAG THAT I HAD, 314 00:11:30,533 --> 00:11:34,673 THAT LITTLE PLASTIC BAG OF, UH, CAMPING POWDER? 315 00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:36,170 - NO. 316 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,270 - BEING SEPARATED FROM COCAINE FOR SIX HOURS 317 00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,370 MADE ME REALIZE I HAD A PROBLEM, 318 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,600 AND I NEEDED HELP... 319 00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,373 IN THE FORM OF MORE COCAINE. 320 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,070 - HEY, MR. MACNEIL. - DO YOU HAVE IT? 321 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,070 - YEAH. - THANK YOU. 322 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:48,827 GOD. 323 00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:50,367 ALL RIGHT, MEN, WE'RE GONNA DO EVERYTHING THIS WEEKEND. 324 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,770 WE'RE GONNA GET OUR BIRD-WATCHING BADGES. 325 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,400 WHO WANTS THEIR BIRD-WATCH-- ANYBODY WANT 326 00:11:53,433 --> 00:11:55,373 THEIR BIRD-WATCHING BADGE, WE'RE GONNA DO IT. 327 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,230 WE'RE GONNA FIND SOME BIRDS, AND WE'RE GONNA WATCH THEM, 328 00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,727 AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET OUR ORIENTEERING BADGES, YOU GUYS. 329 00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,797 - YOUR NOSE IS BLEEDING. - OH. 330 00:12:00,833 --> 00:12:02,403 THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK, YOU GUYS. 331 00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:03,903 - DAD? - I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. 332 00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:05,503 - DO YOU HAVE SHOOTING PAIN DOWN YOUR ARM? 333 00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:06,973 - YEAH, I GOT SHOOTING PAINS EVERYWHERE. 334 00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,227 OH, MY GOD, I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. 335 00:12:08,267 --> 00:12:09,627 I'M DEFINITELY GONNA DIE. 336 00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:11,397 I AM DEFINITELY GONNA DIE! 337 00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:12,633 OH, GOD! OH! - DAD? 338 00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:13,897 - SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! 339 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,333 SHUT UP. HOW DO YOU KNOW CPR? 340 00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,067 WHY DO YOU KNOW CPR? THIS KID'S A COP! 341 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,770 - DAD? - THIS KID IS A COP! 342 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,570 [birds chirping] 343 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,270 - WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE'LL REACT, 344 00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,970 BUT REMEMBER, YOU LITERALLY COULD BE SAVING HIS LIFE. 345 00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:26,597 SO IT'S IMPORTANT EVERYONE IS HERE AND-- 346 00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:27,833 - OH, MY--OKAY. - OH, WHAT IS THIS? 347 00:12:27,867 --> 00:12:29,497 OH, IS THIS AN INTERVENTION? 348 00:12:29,533 --> 00:12:32,333 ALWAYS A FAST LEARNER, I WAS PROUD TO SEE 349 00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:34,497 I HAD GONE FROM FUMBLED SNORTING TO OVERDOSE 350 00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:36,803 TO FAMILY INTERVENTION IN RECORD TIME. 351 00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,173 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, PUT YOUR LETTERS AWAY. 352 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,430 I CAN SAVE YOU SOME TIME. NO, NO, NO. 353 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,797 I'VE BEEN A MONSTER, RIGHT? 354 00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:42,403 EVERYBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT, RIGHT? 355 00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:43,933 I'VE BEEN A REAL TERRIBLE DAD. I LET YOU DOWN. 356 00:12:43,967 --> 00:12:45,767 I'VE BEEN A HORRIBLE SON-IN-LAW. 357 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,170 I'VE BEEN A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT AS A DOG OWNER. 358 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,400 I'VE BEEN SUCH A BAD NEIGHBOR. 359 00:12:50,433 --> 00:12:51,803 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID TO THESE GUYS. 360 00:12:51,833 --> 00:12:53,733 WHO CARES? LET'S GO TO REHAB! 361 00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:55,067 I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO REHAB! 362 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,567 COME ON, TOM, HURRY UP! 363 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,900 I DON'T NEED ANYTHING. 364 00:12:57,933 --> 00:12:59,903 LET'S JUST GO! LET'S JUST GO! 365 00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:03,867 - I-I GUESS I SHOULD GO TOO. - OKAY. 366 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:07,300 - SORRY. 367 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:09,203 - WELL, I'M GONNA READ MY SPEECH. 368 00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:11,073 I WORKED HARD ON IT. 369 00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:13,827 "IN THE WORDS OF GRANDMASTER FLASH, 370 00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:16,227 "YOU GOING HIGH ON THAT COCAINE. 371 00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:19,697 YOU GOING CRAZY LIKE A COCAINE TRAIN." 372 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,173 - WHEN I GET BACK FROM REHAB, 373 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,870 I'LL PROBABLY SAY COCAINE IS TERRIBLE, 374 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,700 BUT DON'T BELIEVE ME. COCAINE IS AMAZING! 375 00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:28,173 I GIVE IT A MILLION STARS! 376 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,300 DO NOT BELIEVE THE GUY IN THE STUDIO 377 00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,203 WHO TRIES TO TELL YOU IT'S TERRIBLE. 378 00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:35,233 - [sobbing] - THAT GUY IS A LIAR! 379 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,970 NO. I AM NOT A LIAR. 380 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,227 HE IS. 381 00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:42,527 I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT 382 00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:43,967 WHO WENT TO REHAB AND GOT CLEAN. 383 00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,867 HE IS A DRUG-ADDLED MANIAC 384 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:49,130 WHO NEARLY DESTROYED HIS FAMILY AND HIS FINANCIAL SECURITY 385 00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:50,867 AND HIS HEART AND HIS BRAIN. 386 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:53,900 ADDICTION: HALF A STAR. 387 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,670 - A.J., MAY I HAVE MY NEXT REVIEW, PLEASE? 388 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,700 - @KELLYóOFóVT TWEETS: 389 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,500 - GOING TO THE SENIOR PROM. 390 00:14:17,533 --> 00:14:19,673 IT WON'T BE EASY FOR AN ADULT LIKE ME, 391 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,770 BUT I WILL FIND A WAY TO DO IT. 392 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,770 PROM SEASON WAS IN FULL SWING, 393 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,730 BUT TO GAIN ENTRY TO THIS EXCLUSIVE EVENT, 394 00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,367 I'D NEED AN AGE-APPROPRIATE ESCORT. 395 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,500 I DON'T HAVE A DATE MYSELF. 396 00:14:31,533 --> 00:14:33,173 NO DATE TO THE PROM. 397 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,330 BUT JUST LIKE WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, 398 00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:38,097 EVERY TEENAGE GIRL I ASKED ALREADY HAD PLANS. 399 00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,433 THAT'S QUITE HURTFUL, BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY. 400 00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,727 EXCUSE ME, I DON'T HAVE A VISITOR'S PASS, 401 00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,767 SO I NEED TO MAKE THIS REALLY QUICK. 402 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,200 HEY, I'M LOOKING FOR A DATE TO YOUR SENIOR PROM, 403 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,533 AND I DON'T CARE WHO I GO WITH. 404 00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:49,167 HANG ON, NOW. ALL RIGHT. 405 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,700 OOP, THERE'S THAT GUIDANCE COUNSELOR 406 00:14:50,733 --> 00:14:52,103 WHO WAS GIVING ME GRIEF BEFORE. 407 00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,273 I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE BUILDING. 408 00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,830 EVENTUALLY, MY SEARCH FOR A HUMAN PROM TICKET 409 00:14:58,867 --> 00:15:01,267 LED ME TO MY OWN LIVING ROOM. 410 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,300 I SEE YOU FOUND THE SANDWICHES. 411 00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,933 MEG CARMICHAEL, A SENIOR AT NEARBY FRANKLIN HIGH, 412 00:15:06,967 --> 00:15:09,397 WAS OUR SITTER. 413 00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:12,403 [classical music playing] 414 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:14,173 * 415 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,400 [music stops] 416 00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:19,773 MEG, THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. 417 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,800 YOU'RE A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW, YES? 418 00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:24,403 - Y-YEAH. 419 00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:27,433 - AND YOU'VE GOT A PROM COMING UP, RIGHT? 420 00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:29,067 - YEAH. 421 00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,067 - HAS ANYONE ASKED YOU TO YOUR SENIOR PROM YET? 422 00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:36,673 - NO. 423 00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,800 - HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO YOUR PROM WITH ME? 424 00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:47,573 - OKAY. - YES! 425 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,970 OH, GOODY! I'M--I'M GLAD. I'M GLAD. 426 00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:54,067 WE'RE GONNA HAVE A VERY GOOD TIME. 427 00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:56,827 NOW I'LL TAKE YOU HOME. 428 00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:58,927 I ARRIVED AT 6:00 SHARP 429 00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:01,867 TO FIND MY DATE LOOKING ELEGANT AND LADYLIKE. 430 00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,630 [chuckles] LOOK AT THAT DRESS. 431 00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:07,197 OH, MY GOODNESS, IT MATCHES YOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY. 432 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,533 AFTER A BRIEF PHOTO SHOOT ON THE FRONT LAWN... 433 00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:10,967 THIS IS SORT OF AN EXCITING MILESTONE 434 00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:12,467 FOR PARENTS, ISN'T IT? 435 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,230 WHO KNOWS WHAT'S IN STORE FOR US TONIGHT? 436 00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:16,527 - WE WERE ON OUR WAY. 437 00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,527 [dance music] 438 00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:20,967 * 439 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,467 WHOO! 440 00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,730 PAGING MEG CARMICHAEL TO THE DANCE FLOOR! 441 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,667 * 442 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,300 MEG WAS A SWEET ENOUGH GIRL, 443 00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,833 BUT I QUICKLY REALIZED THE RESULTS OF MY EXPERIMENT 444 00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:34,897 WERE BEING SKEWED BY HER SEEMINGLY GENETIC INABILITY 445 00:16:34,933 --> 00:16:36,173 TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. 446 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,470 HUH? - I'M NOT DANCING. 447 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,970 - YOU'RE NOT GONNA DANCE? COME ON. 448 00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,327 PUT THAT DOWN. 449 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,627 THERE'S BETTER FOOD THAN THAT HERE. 450 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:42,897 DID YOU BRING THIS FROM HOME? 451 00:16:42,933 --> 00:16:44,233 YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN SANDWICH? 452 00:16:44,267 --> 00:16:45,867 LET'S GO HAVE US SOME PROM. 453 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,200 HEY, HOW'S EVERYBODY OVER HERE? HOW'S IT GOING? 454 00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:50,203 MEG AND I WERE JUST CIRCULATING ABOUT, MEETING SOME FOLK. 455 00:16:50,233 --> 00:16:51,533 ARE YOU A FRIEND OF MEG'S? 456 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:53,367 - UM... - OH, NO. 457 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,200 LOOK AT THAT REACTION. THAT'S INTERESTING. 458 00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:57,333 HAVE WE SIDLED UP TO A TABLE FULL 459 00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:58,727 OF POPULAR KIDS? 460 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,097 - DID YOU BRING YOUR S.A.T. TUTOR? 461 00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,233 - HE LOOKS LIKE MY PEDIATRICIAN, DR. NOSEBAUM. 462 00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:05,067 - NO, HE'S THE WEATHERMAN, 463 00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,570 AND I BET I KNOW HIS FAVORITE TEMPERATURE. 464 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,800 - WHAT? - 69. 465 00:17:07,833 --> 00:17:09,533 [laughter] 466 00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,067 - ACTUALLY, YES, THAT IS MY FAVORITE TEMPERATURE. 467 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,730 69 IS MY FAVORITE TEMPERATURE. - NO, IT'S NOT. 468 00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,227 - YES, IT IS. 69. IT'S LIKE A PERFECT SPRING DAY. 469 00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,697 - NO, MR. MACNEIL IT IS NOT-- - A BEAUTIFUL DAY. 470 00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:18,133 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. 471 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,867 I LIKE 69. - NO, NO. 472 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:21,570 - IT'S OUR ONE AND ONLY PROM NIGHT. 473 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,530 I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF WE GET A BUNCH OF THESE. 474 00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,397 LET'S DO ONE WHERE WE'RE BOTH FLYING TOWARD THE CAMERA, OKAY? 475 00:17:25,433 --> 00:17:27,203 GOOD. OKAY GREAT. AND THEN LET'S DO THE OLD 476 00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:29,773 ADDAMS FAMILY POSE, LIKE-- WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? 477 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,200 UH, I FORGET, BUT YEAH. 478 00:17:31,233 --> 00:17:33,303 IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO-- 479 00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,533 PLEASE, WE HAVE NOT SETTLED ON A POSE YET. 480 00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:36,967 [romantic music] 481 00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:38,767 ALTHOUGH DEPRESSED MYSELF AT THIS POINT, 482 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,930 I DECIDED TO RALLY MEG WITH A PEP TALK. 483 00:17:40,967 --> 00:17:42,797 ONE DAY, EVERYONE HERE WILL GROW UP, 484 00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,903 AND THE PEOPLE WHO WERE MEAN, THEY WILL REGRET 485 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,203 HOW INSENSITIVE THEY WERE. 486 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,633 - FORREST MACNEIL? 487 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,067 IS THAT YOU? - YES, IT IS. 488 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,070 - WOW, WHAT ARE THE ODDS, MAN? 489 00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:53,127 TODD SCHUSTER. FROM HIGH SCHOOL. 490 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,727 - TODD SCHUSTER! - YEAH. 491 00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:57,197 - OH, MY GOD, THAT'S AMAZING. - HOW ARE YA? 492 00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,533 - I'M GOOD. - WOW. 493 00:17:58,567 --> 00:17:59,867 - WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER. 494 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,470 WOW. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 495 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:02,870 - I--WELL, I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION. 496 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:04,600 - I'M THE WRESTLING COACH HERE. 497 00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:06,203 - ARE YOU? OH, GREAT. OH, GOOD. 498 00:18:06,233 --> 00:18:07,673 - SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - YOU KNOW, WELL, 499 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,170 JUST SAME AS EVERYBODY, I GUESS. 500 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,070 THIS IS A GREAT PROM. 501 00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:12,697 THIS IS A PROM. - YEAH. 502 00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:13,973 - IT'S NOT LIKE OUR PROM, YOU KNOW. 503 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,797 WE HAD THIS HORRIBLE PROM 504 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,673 IN THIS ABANDONED FISH FACTORY, AND, YOU KNOW, 505 00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,370 NOBODY--I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU WERE THERE FOR THAT. 506 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,630 - I WASN'T, BECAUSE WE SENT YOU TO DECOY PROM. 507 00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,067 [laughs] YES. 508 00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,427 - WHAT? - YEAH. 509 00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:28,327 WE HAD A SEPARATE PROM FOR THE NERDS, 510 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,097 AND HE FELL FOR IT. 511 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:31,603 - OH, THAT WAS A S-- OH, OKAY. 512 00:18:31,633 --> 00:18:33,103 - YEAH. - THAT WAS A SEPARATE PROM-- 513 00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,833 - YEAH, AND DID YOU HAVE ANY OF THE PUNCH THERE? 514 00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:36,127 - I THINK-- - 'CAUSE WE PISSED IN IT. 515 00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:37,797 - OH. - YEAH. 516 00:18:37,833 --> 00:18:39,703 - YOU GUYS-- - WE DID. 517 00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:41,103 [laughing] 518 00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:42,633 - THAT IS ELABORATE. 519 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,627 - DECOY PROM. - OH, MAN. 520 00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:45,867 SOMETHING ELSE. 521 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,670 - YEAH. - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? 522 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,170 UH, I FORGIVE YOU, 523 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,270 AND I THINK WE SHOULD HUG ON IT. 524 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,100 - OH. ALL RIGHT. - YEAH. 525 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,303 - WE'RE GONNA HUG IT OUT. - YEAH, YEAH, I THINK SO. 526 00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:58,173 I THINK, AFTER ALL THIS TIME, WHY NOT? 527 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,200 - WELL, IT WAS REALLY GREAT TO RUN INTO YOU. 528 00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:01,433 - FANTASTIC. - ENJOY A REAL PROM. 529 00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:02,827 - THANKS, MAN. YEAH. 530 00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,197 [both chuckling] 531 00:19:04,233 --> 00:19:06,403 INCREDIBLE. OKAY. 532 00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:09,073 THIS PROM IS ABOUT TO GET FUN. COME WITH ME. 533 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,067 LET'S GO. 534 00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,070 PERHAPS I HAD ALSO GONE TO DECOY REHAB, 535 00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:16,097 BECAUSE I WAS NOT ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE PRESSURES 536 00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:17,833 OF THIS PROM. 537 00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:20,367 I'M NOT PROUD THAT I STOLE TODD SCHUSTER'S WALLET, 538 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,870 AND I'M NOT PROUD THAT I SPENT 539 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,300 HIS WRESTLING COACH MONEY ON COCAINE. 540 00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,597 - WHEN YOU GO TO A PROM, 541 00:19:29,633 --> 00:19:31,873 YOU WEAR A COSTUME AND PRETEND TO BE ALL GROWN UP. 542 00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,700 LET'S BLOW. 543 00:19:33,733 --> 00:19:35,073 MEN'S ROOM, RIGHT NOW, ALL OF YOU. 544 00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,400 COME ON, LET'S GO. 545 00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:38,403 BUT IT WAS CLEAR TO ME THAT DEEP DOWN, 546 00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:40,833 NONE OF US WERE READY FOR THE ADULT WORLD AT ALL. 547 00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:42,827 [sniffs] AH, YEAH! 548 00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:44,867 [laughing] OH! 549 00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:47,070 IMMEDIATELY, IT'S LIKE, BANG! ALL RIGHT, COME ON, MEG. 550 00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:48,567 LET'S GO. - NO. 551 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,900 - MEG. MEG. - I-I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. 552 00:19:50,933 --> 00:19:52,373 all: MEG, MEG, MEG, MEG. 553 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,700 - NO. all: MEG! 554 00:19:53,733 --> 00:19:55,073 PEER PRESSURE, PEER PRESSURE, 555 00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:56,400 PEER PRESSURE, PEER PRESSURE, 556 00:19:56,433 --> 00:19:57,673 PEER PRESSURE, PEER-- 557 00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,170 - [laughing] 558 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,430 [cheers, claps] IT WORKS! 559 00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:05,427 [energetic dance music] 560 00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:09,227 * 561 00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,027 WHOO! 562 00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,427 [cheering] 563 00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,827 MEG, MEG, MEG, MEG, MEG! 564 00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:17,327 [cheering] 565 00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,667 - DID YOU SEE THAT? 566 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,570 DID YOU SEE THAT? 567 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,100 - THIS IS ME! 568 00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,873 THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM! 569 00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:25,830 THIS IS WHO I AM! 570 00:20:25,867 --> 00:20:27,497 - WHOO! 571 00:20:27,533 --> 00:20:31,333 [all cheering, shouting] 572 00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:33,067 [police radio chatter] 573 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,530 OH, GOD, I'M GONNA DIE! 574 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,397 - NO! - I'M GONNA DIE HERE! 575 00:20:37,433 --> 00:20:39,773 [sobbing] 576 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,100 LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! 577 00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:46,773 YOU GUYS ARE RUINING THE PROM! 578 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,030 MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE THE CHANCE TO GO TO THE PROM 579 00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:50,667 WITH A DATE WHO'S NOT A SOCIAL OUTCAST 580 00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,700 WITH AN UNDIAGNOSED MOOD DISORDER, 581 00:20:52,733 --> 00:20:55,403 AND YOU WILL HAVE THE NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. 582 00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:58,033 BUT FEW PEOPLE ARE EVER THAT LUCKY, 583 00:20:58,067 --> 00:21:00,267 AND IT IS NOT WORTH THE RISK. 584 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,100 GOING TO THE PROM: HALF A STAR. 585 00:21:11,633 --> 00:21:14,403 - [crying] 586 00:21:14,433 --> 00:21:16,073 [mutters] 587 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:18,497 [sobs] 588 00:21:18,533 --> 00:21:20,533 - BACK TO REHAB. 40863

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