Original subtitles

[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "JANE DOE"]

Put on your coat, put on your hat,

and say goodbye to your welcome mat.

Forget your bag, forget yourself, forget

the lines you knew so well.

So brace yourself and open up the door because it's

everybody for themselves.

Well, here we go.

Yeah.

Here we go.

You can't say yes, you can't say no.

You lose your mind, you lose your way,

you lose your temper every day.

And you wonder why you always have to fight

for such an ordinary life.

Oh, shit.

Argh.

Son of a bitch!

[MUSIC - PINK MARTINI, "LET'S NEVER STOP FALLING IN LOVE"]

I wish a falling star could fall forever.

IAN: Wow.

Look at this.

And sparkle through the clouds and stormy weather.

KRYSTA: I-- I don't want to be by the other car

so just keep going.

Now left.

IAN: Down this road here?

KRYSTA: Yeah.

Yeah.

IAN: Gosh, if it wasn't for all the smog,

I bet we could see everything from up there.

Wow.

There's even more.

KRYSTA: Just keep going.

Hold me close and whisper that you love me.

OK, now-- now left.

IAN: One left coming up.

And promise that your dreams are only of me.

KRYSTA: Oh no. No, no, no.

Go back IAN: Huh?

KRYSTA: Over there.

IAN: Oh, sorry.

I thought you wanted to park up there?

KRYSTA: No, no. You can't park up there.

You have to park over there.

Always, I hope that we follow the star

and be forever floating above.

I know a falling star can't fall forever--

Here.

IAN: Right here? KRYSTA: Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

--but let's never stop falling in love.

You know, for all the years I've lived here,

I never even knew this place existed.

Nobody does.

Uh, echo delta niner to big dog.

We are confirmed for a 10-100.

Repeat, echo delta niner to big dog.

MR. HABIB : for the sake of Christ.

Jesus, Ian, just say that you're breaking for lunch.

Roger that.

Turn around.

OK?

Oh, sure.

Krysta?

Hmm?

I think there's something you should know.

I asked Mr. Habib to make you my permanent partner.

You like me that much, huh?

Well, there-- there's something else, too.

This will probably come as a surprise, but, well--

What the fuck?

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

I was wondering if you might have some lubricant

that I could borrow?

Did you say lubricant?

Yeah.

Um, you know, like, WD-40, or Vaseline, or some

other petroleum-based product.

I'm having trouble with my car.

Oh.

Hold on.

May I help you?

What do you know?

The all-purpose lubricant just like you wanted.

I'll bring it right back.

Oh, that's all right.

You should probably just keep it.

OK. Yeah.

Thanks.

Woo, hoo, hoo.

Woo, hoo, hoo.

NATHAN: Welcome, ladies, to the best

kept secret in Los Angeles.

A piece of land that actually hasn't been turned

into a strip mall, a gated community,

or a fast food restaurant.

Mary bought a Cadillac.

BABAR: But we always park at the top.

NATHAN: All the more reason to try something different.

BABAR: We usually park up at the top.

NATHAN: True.

But we have guests with us today and I, for one,

think that the least we can do is

show them something a little more

interesting than the usual.

Here we are.

This is it?

This is it.

NATHAN: Uh, guys.

Actually, we usually just stay in the van.

You bring your lunch to a park but you stay in the van?

Uh, that's right.

OK.

A little odd but OK.

MERIDITH: Of course they didn't mark any of these.

Uh, who

Oh, that's for Sher.

I don't know if I can do this.

We have trouble trying new things.

That's not true.

Ah.

Well, you got to try new things, Sheryl.

I mean, that's the best part of life and besides,

it's a well-known fact that sushi is the secret

to Japanese longevity.

I mean, they eat tons of this stuff

and they live way longer than anybody

else in the entire world.

Fucking shit!

What was that?

I-- I don't know.

A

It sounded like a gunshot.

Yeah, of course it was a gunshot.

This is LA; it's like background music.

Where the hell are we, anyway?

Uh, McGiffin Park.

One of the few places in LA where

you can actually be left alone.

No gangs, no homeless.

No cops.

Mhm.

Oh, my god.

This is the best hirame.

You guys have to taste this.

Uh, Meridith?

Mm

Um, we usually like to say a few words before we start.

Are you serious?

Oh, my god.

Your totally serious.

I usually like to start with a moment of silence.

No.

Mother fucking son of a bitch!

Jesus christ!

Oh kind and gentle spirit, non-gender or race specific

other, we ask you that the lives of our aquatic friends were not

spent in vain, but rather that their nutrients give us

strength to rise above the shallow pursuits

of the material world so that we can embrace

each other in a collective oneness of peace,

unity, and friendship.

You know what I was saying before?

Yeah, you want to be regular partners.

Oh, I do.

I do.

But, uh-- Well, I guess there's no real easy way to say this.

I-- I don't have an enormous am-- amount of experience

with women.

I know, Ripley's Believe It or Not.

But, well, at first I thought I--

I was waiting for-- for the right girl but then she, uh--

she never really showed up.

Um-- but then you came along.

And now that you're going to all this trouble, I--

I just thought that well--

Ian, why did you think I wanted to come here with you?

Well, it's a little em-- embarrassing

to-- to say out loud, but, um--

did I mention that I play the piano?

I-- I wrote a song for you.

You did?

IAN: From a cold and distant land,

oh, oh, she came a rolling.

It was the land known as Poland.

Now my gentle heart she's stolen--

--like a run away--

Ian, did you think I wanted to come here to make love to you?

No.

Ian, that's so sweet, but you're a dog groomer.

So are you.

Yeah, but for me, it's just temporary.

Ian, put yourself in my shoes.

Uh, you shampoo dogs, you live with your parents, and you,

uh, read books like "21 Days."

"Guaranteed Sex in 21 Days."

It's guaranteed sex appeal.

You see it says right here "appeal."

Hmm.

And on top of that, your hair--

doing, doing.

I mean, what's going on in there?

You said you liked me.

I-- I liked working with you, Ian.

I mean, who wouldn't?

You do everything.

OK.

Let me explain something to you.

Life is like a pyramid.

The better looking you are, the more money you have,

the closer to the top you are.

That is how life works.

The sooner you realize that, the less time

will be wasting trying to date someone

not on same level as you.

And I suppose you're right up there at the top, huh?

Ian, just the same way you have every right to date

someone on the same level of the pyramid as you,

I have every right to date someone

on the same level as me.

Oh yeah?

Like who?

[MUSIC - LOVERBOY, "TAKE ME TO THE TOP"]

Here's looking at you.

What do you think--

100% top of the pyramid.

I'll be back in 30 minutes.

Because I have to do the things I have to do.

What's a poor boy to do when he's fallen in love with you?

Help me make it through the night.

Everything's going to be all right.

Yeah.

CLAIRE: Are you sure you want to do this?

PEGGY: Am I sure want to do what?

I mean, maybe they're just really close friends

and he's afraid to tell you because he

doesn't think you'd understand.

PEGGY: Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe she is just a really good friend who just happens to look

like a disease-infected whore.

Oh, my.

She really does look like a whore.

Help me make it through the night.

Everything's going to be all right.

You ordered a maid?

Your late.

I am sorry.

You're a bad little maid, now aren't you?

I am not so good at cleaning either.

I am dirty.

Very, very dirty.

I brought some supplies.

Excellent.

And a little something for you.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I got a little something for you, too.

Yes?

You know, the sooner you put these on,

the sooner I can get started.

BABAR: Mhm.

So good.

I swear sometimes I think sushi is better than sex.

What?

OK.

The thing is, you guys have been sneaking off

on your little lunches for a while now

and every time you come back your clothes are all wrinkled,

so it's pretty obvious what's going on.

And we just want you to know we're totally OK with it.

And you might feel like you need to pretend with other people

at work but you totally don't have to with us.

And that's the only reason why we insisted on coming to lunch

with you guys today because we just want you

to know we are so OK with it.

Of course, Sher had, like, the major stalker crush on you.

Meridith.

No, it's OK, Sher.

We talked about it.

No we didn't talk about talking about it.

But we agreed it wasn't a big deal.

Well, it's not.

Anywho, now that it's just out there

and you guys don't have to fake it anymore,

we can all just be who we are.

Meridith, we're not gay, we're nudists.

Hi, again.

Hi.

I-- um, I'm still having trouble with my car.

Oh, uh-- I--

I'm, uh.

I'm-- I'm afraid I'm not very mechanical.

Oh, it's OK.

You know, I just really--

I need a hose of some kind.

Um, do you have anything like that?

Um, are

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, you know, the whole car thing.

I mean, it's just kind of upsetting, you know.

I mean, you finally get one that you think you can depend on,

you know, and suddenly you think your whole life's

going to be so much better because it's

going to be like the others.

But, uh, the next thing you know, they're

having sex with your roommate and selling naked pictures

of you all over the internet.

Hold-- hold on.

I'll be right back.

We use this when we have to wash a dog outside--

and cats, too.

Although, we don't get many cats, actually.

I don't know if you've ever tried to shampoo a cat

but it's kind of a nightmare.

OK.

Thank you.

MERIDITH: So you're telling us, for the past three months,

you've been sneaking off just so you

can take of all your clothes and stare at each other?

Well, we don't stare at each other but, essentially, yes.

You are so phenomenally gay.

No, we're not.

Oh, come on.

Babar, please.

He's right.

OK, nudists go to nudist colonies,

they don't perv out in a van in some random park.

Why can't two men be naked with each other

without it instantly becoming sexual?

Because you're gay.

Meredith, nudism--

it-- it isn't about titillation, it's about rejecting

a completely artificial taboo.

By staring at each other's meat puppets.

Would you let him finish!

Thank you.

Clothes are a straight jacket.

I mean, all they do is perpetuate shame.

I mean, really, what do you think

casual Fridays are all about?

I mean, even after centuries of conditioning, you--

you still feel that this suffocating

uniform that they make you wear just isn't natural.

So

Once a week they let you dress down in the hope

that it will anesthetize our most basic human need--

the need to be free.

Do you know what I think?

I think you're full of shit, totally and completely.

Oh, my god, you guys.

Come on.

I've never seen so much leather in my whole life.

That's right, baby.

100% grade A American cowhide.

Not to mention, shatterproof windows,

push button roadside assistance, and a 26-speaker Bose

audio system.

Argh!

Come on, you stubborn old Nazi piece of shit.

Oh, hi.

Have a nice day.

Oh.

PEGGY: I just can't believe he's doing this.

CLAIRE: Peg, And I'm going to ask you something

and I don't want you to get mad, OK?

How would you categorize Dennis size

What do you mean?

I mean how does he stack up against other men?

Are you talking about his penis?

Yes.

He's average, I guess.

I'm not exactly the world's leading expert.

Maybe he's a little undersized.

I know he's always insecure about it

but I thought all men were insecure about their size.

So would you say he has a small penis?

Smallish, I guess.

Why on Earth are you asking me this?

Well, I was only a psych major for a semester,

but this just seems like a classic case of Freud 101.

OK.

A man has a penile insecurity complex so he compensates

for it by buying a big, throbbing truck

and then going out and finding some cheap sleazy slut.

But everyone I know says Freud was full of shit.

The overall length of the vehicle

is 18 feet 9 and a half inches.

I can't even fit it in to most garages.

The overall width of the vehicle

is 6 feet, 7 and 3/4 inch.

And you want every inch of it don't you, baby?

You know what else I want?

I want this to be our last time in the truck.

It's not a truck, it's a luxury sports utility vehicle.

Well then, I want this to be our last time in the luxury

sport utility vehicle.

It will, baby.

It will.

I promise you.

You said that before.

Honey, come on!

You know how much I like this.

OK! OK!

You're nudists.

Whatever.

We believe you.

No, no you don't.

You know what?

You're right.

And as a matter of fact, I think you're

going to a hell of a lot of trouble in a, truthfully,

sad kind of way to hide something you have

absolutely no need to hide.

Hmph.

Sheryl?

Yes?

Do you think that we're going to hell of a lot of trouble

in a truthfully, absolutely, sad kind of way

to hide something that we have absolutely no need to?

Thank you.

Behold the glory of my manhead.

Oh, my god.

I think someone is ready for the glove of love.

Oh, yeah.

But first, promise me this is our last time in the park.

I promise.

Why?

Because, baby.

Because why?

Because, baby, I love you.

Awh, do you really?

You know I do.

Awh.

Then prove it to me.

OK.

Oh!

Good god.

Oh.

Oh!

Fuck.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

--me.

Who's your daddy?

- Fuck! - --me

- Say it. - Fuck!

- --me. - Say it!

Fuck!

--me harder, you big strapping circus

freak of a man with a dick like a giant Budweiser horse!

PEGGY: What happened in my life, Claire?

I mean, you grow up, get a job, get married

just like you're supposed to, and what

do I have to show for it?

My husband cornpoling some underage tart in a park.

It's not your fault, Peg.

How do you know?

How could this possibly be your fault?

Because we stopped having sex over a year ago!

MEREDITH: Tell me you're not looking, Sher.

BABAR: Oh, she's looking.

I don't believe this.

Meridith, you're the only one making a big deal of this.

I've seen a penis before, Nathan.

I bet you have.

All the more reason to accept that this

is our natural state; the way that we were meant to be.

OK.

Fine.

Fine.

Hello?

Oh, my god.

I cannot even believe that I'm sitting here.

Hi, again.

Take, take, take.

That's me.

Um, if I could just borrow a lighter this time,

I swear that'll be it.

I'm having a bit of a nic

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

My girlfriend usually has one.

IAN: Oh, look.

Here's one. Oh, great.

Thanks.

IAN: You really shouldn't, you know, smoke.

It's bad for you in like 17 different ways.

I'll keep that in mind.

IAN: Don't.

Oh, what?

Go away!

Go away!

OK.

Go ahead.

No!

Than neither am I?

Now, for god sake, just do it.

No!

No!

PEGGY: I can't do this.

Peg, you made me swear I wouldn't let you chicken out.

I never loved him, Claire.

So?

So what right do I have to even be angry?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Maybe because he's lying and cheating on you?

So what if you haven't had sex in a year.

Your vows didn't say "till death do us part unless we

go 12 months without a screw."

I just don't care anymore.

He tried to sleep with me.

He said he didn't think it was natural for a man to have

to go so long without it.

But Dennis hates you.

I know.

He also said that if I moved around a little,

it would be the best sex he'd had since he was single.

He shouldn't have done that.

Peg, I am sure you are a very vibrant

and dynamic lover when you want to be.

Claire, I'm not talking about that.

You're my best friend.

Our relationship means more to me than anything.

He knows that.

Maybe that's why he did it?

Of course that's why he did it.

Put that on.

What?

Just because?

That's the best you can do?

What do you want?

Some kind of detailed explanation?

Uh-hu.

Yes!

Well, why don't you give me one?

Because I was here first.

I could tell you my reasons but if I did and you didn't,

then I'd just be getting the shit end of the stick again

and, frankly, I've had enough of the shit end of the stick.

DENNIS: Give it to me

KRYSTA: Yes!

I am giving it to you.

DENNIS: Oh, yeah.

Louder!

KRYSTA: The is 146.8 feet.

It is the biggest interior in it's class.

DENNIS: That is big.

KRYSTA: Yeah.

It's big.

It's so very, very big.

DENNIS: Oh, no, no, no.

Pick a different store, baby.

KRYSTA: It has a towing capacity of about 50,000 pounds.

DENNIS: Yeah, it turns real nice!

Yeah!

It has a 375 horsepower engine.

DENNIS: Engine!

KRYSTA: And over last six years in a row,

it has rated number one in the

by powered engine.

DENNIS: Ah!

Oh, yeah

KRYSTA: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Who came up with the idea that we should

be ashamed of our bodies?

I'm not ashamed of my body.

Then why do you hide it?

- Everybody does. - Yeah.

But that doesn't make it right, does it?

By making our natural state a crime, all we're doing

is creating a society of individuals so ashamed

of themselves that they walk around petrified

that one day the world might actually

see who they really are.

You know, anytime you want to jump and, Sher, feel free.

- Well, I think he's right. - Tell me your joking.

I told you this would happen.

Meredith, Babar didn't think you'd be able to handle it.

Oh, really?

NATHAN: It's not a judgment, Meredith.

Oh, bullshit it's not.

Let's just forget the whole thing.

MEREDITH: No, please.

You guys act like you're curing cancer here.

Anybody can nude up, but you're like, oh,

we are so progressive, you couldn't

even begin to understand us.

This is why we never invited you.

See?

Because we knew you'd wig.

Oh, now I'm wigging?

God, I swear this is just like work.

You guys sit around with your holier than thou attitudes

acting like, oh, we're programmers,

we're so much smarter than you.

And now here you are again with you patronize attitudes

thinking your little nudie lunches

are so incredibly enlightened, us

little feeble-minded chicks couldn't even possibly begin

to understand you.

Maybe she's the deformed.

Oh, fuck off, Babar.

Meredith, there's no need to justify your fear.

My fear?

You think I'm afraid?

Can we please just go?

No.

I'm sorry, but um, I can handle anything you guys

can and one hell of a lot more.

Wait.

It's OK, Sher.

I'm just going to prove a point.

It may be an incredibly stupid one

but I'm going to prove it anyway.

Well, maybe I want to prove a point, too.

Hmph.

Men.

100,000 years of coexistence and you

still think you're the only ones with balls.

KRYSTA: You are a monster!

DENNIS: A gigantic

I'm fucking gigantic!

I mean, I have tried having a job and being normal and it--

it just doesn't work.

And, like, I mean, I've trying being abnormal too--

you know, like the creationism, stuff like that--

but I pretty much sucked at all that.

So I though well, you know, what the hell.

I mean, the only thing I've ever really wanted to do

was make music.

Oh, it smells really bad in here, doesn't it?

Actually, I like the smell of gas.

Anyway-- and so I just thought well, who knows.

Maybe I'll be good and then it won't

matter that I'm not pretty.

Well, you're not not pretty.

Please, do not try to cheer me up.

And that way, I could just play my music

and I could forget about men because I am just

not cut out for that either.

I mean, I don't know how many relationships

it took me to learn that "I love you" does not mean I love you.

No.

It's guy lingo for enjoy it while it lasts bitch

because tomorrow I'm going to take

a big, fat, hairy dump right in the middle of your face.

Do you want to hear my demo?

Sure.

APRIL : You!

Oh, you.

I try to love you but you only love me so that I

would buy you cigarettes.

You dick!

You!

Oh, you!

You told me I was great.

But you changed your mind when you came to find my flat chest.

You dick!

You!

Oh, you!

You said you liked my friend.

You said she was cool, then you fucked her!

Oh.

I knew it was bad, but I never thought

it would make someone cry.

What if somebody calls the cops?

I don't give a shit.

No one knows who we are.

By the time a cop shows up, we'll be long gone.

You said to bring something sharp.

That's a potato peeler.

It's Williams-Sonoma.

Ugh!

Here.

Sweet jesus, Peggy.

Claire, I need you to focus.

This isn't just for me, this is for all the women

out there who have been lied to and cheated on

by some insensitive asshole, like Dennis.

Am I right?

Yes.

Claire, I need you to say it.

Yes.

Am I right?

Yes, Peggy you are right.

So what's your story?

Well, I'm 36, I live with my parents, and I wear a wig.

APRIL: I don't get it.

Women don't find me attractive.

Oh, no.

Why do you wear a wig?

There's nothing wrong with your hair.

Oh, uh, there was this self-help

book that I was reading--

the last chapter's called "Desperate Measures."

You know, there's a better way to do this.

Sher, are you OK?

NATHAN: Sheryl?

This is supposed to be an uplifting, liberating

experience.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

Well, there it is.

We are naked, you're naked.

Big fucking deal.

Progress.

Progress!

Progress!

Progress.

[MUSIC - THE CHELSEA SMILES, "NOWHERE RIDE"]

What the fuck?

I love you, Nathan.

NATHAN: Sheryl, no.

Oh, my god.

NATHAN: Oh, god that's cold.

What's happening?

Argh!

What the-- jesus christ.

I have do me.

KRYSTA: Oh!

Ahh!

What's happening, Dennis?

DENNIS: Oh, my god.

What is happening?

Argh!

Hmph.

DENNIS: Where are the keys?

It's just like the old days in the hooker town.

Get in the back!

Get in the back!

Ow!

Damn!

They're killing my SUV!

Why is Regis Philbin trying to kill us?

Oh, my god.

BABAR: For god sake, get off of him.

MEREDITH: Ow!

Stay away.

SHERYL: Stop it!

NATHAN: Guys, come on. MEREDITH: Stop it.

SHERYL: Argh! BABAR: Ow!

MEREDITH: Get off her!

Let go! BABAR: Ahh!

That's my hair!

NATHAN: Fuck.

BABAR: You crazy bitch!

Nothing to hide because nothing matters to us.

It's Peggy.

It's fucking Peggy!

13 years and I get this?

Peggy, no.

Wait!

This is not what it looks like.

Maybe this hasn't been the perfect marriage, Dennis,

but I really don't think I deserve you

fucking whoever that person is.

Not to mention trying to fuck my best friend!

Ahh!

An eye for an eye, Dennis.

Isn't that your new favorite saying?

Peggy!

This is not all my fault. You know that.

Here's what I know.

I know we have only just begun.

[MUSIC - CARPENTERS, 'WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN']

We've only just begun to live.

White lace and promises.

A kiss for luck and we're on our way.

We've only begun.

Before the rising sun, we fly.

So many roads to choose.

We'll start out walking and learn to run.

And, yes, we've just begun.

Sharing horizons that are new to us.

Watching the signs along the way.

Oh, I. Talking it over, just the two of us.

Working together day to day.

Together.

And when the evening comes, we smile.

So much of life ahead.

We'll find a place where there's room to grow.

And, yes, we've just begun.

Sharing horizons that are new to us.

Watching the signs along the way.

Oh, I. Talking it over, just the two of us.

Working together day to day.

Together.

Ah!

Oh, what the hell is wrong with you two?

I was here first, you freakazoid.

Oh, wake up and smell the orientation!

He doesn't even like boys!

You're going to pay for this, Peggy.

Divorce papers, asshole.

I always knew you were freaking nuts, just

like your whole goddamned family.

CLAIRE: Come on, Peggy. Let's go.

Let's go.

Fucker!

Do you mind telling me who the fuck that was?

Who do you think?

You told me you were divorced.

Were, will be.

What difference does it make, honey?

Well, it makes a big difference to me.

Nothing works.

They took the keys.

Ah!

Ian!

Ian!

Would you sit down?

Sit down!

You lied to me.

I can't believe you lied to me.

Just stay calm, OK, honey?

I'll get us out of this.

JOYCE : Thank you for calling Galaxy on Board.

My name is Joyce.

Joyce, this is Dennis.

I'm calling from McGiffin Park in Los Angeles,

my SUV has been attacked, and I'm trapped inside.

JOYCE : You're having

trouble with your signal.

I'll need a customer number to--

I don't have my customer policy number.

JOYCE : I'm sorry, sir.

Company policy--

Joyce, don't give me your corporate policy bullshit, OK?

I said I don't have the number.

JOYCE : I'm afraid a customer number is required.

What are you, fucking deaf?

I just told you I don't have it.

Dennis, stop!

JOYCE : I don't care

for your tone of voice, sir.

Joyce, do me a favor, OK?

I don't give a shit if you don't like my tone of voice.

Now, you're going to get on the phone,

you're going to call the cops, and if you don't, I'm

going to sue you and your company so goddamn hard,

you're going to be living off of food

stamps and government cheese for the rest of your fucking life.

JOYCE : I just need an ID number, sir.

I don't have it!

I don't fucking have it.

Jesus christ!

Do you fucking hear me?

I told you I don't fucking have the fucking number!

Stop it!

Stop it!

I can't believe how good that felt. Goddamn it.

It really, really did.

CLAIRE: What are you doing?

PEGGY: I want to watch.

CLAIRE: We'll watch at home on the video.

We got to get out of here.

Why isn't it working?

I think it's the window.

Let's just do it my way!

No.

I don't think we should.

Why not?

Because there's always a chance we'd survive

and then we'd have to spend the rest of our lives

in a burn unit.

What happened?

I-- I think you ran out of gas.

Oh, man.

Oh, god.

I am such a fucking loser, I can't even kill myself.

Thought you said you were over it?

Of course I said I was over it.

It was the only way I could get you to shut up.

So you are gay?

Oh, my god.

Duh!

I knew it.

Why couldn't you just tell me?

Because you would have freaked.

I-- I'm not homophobic.

Oh, really?

Really?

Would we still have had our little nudie rudie lunches?

See?

How do you think this has been for me, Nate?

Try excruciating.

Spending all of this time with, ah--

with someone I'm crazy about--

butt ass naked to boot.

But far be it from me to impinge on planet Nathan.

You're so caught up in your pseudo philosophical, Woodstock

hippie babble, you never even once considered how

you might be making me feel.

You said you were going buy me a house.

Argh.

You promised.

Ah, son of a bitch.

Ahh!

You said that you loved me.

You big-- ahh!

And you're some kind of a saint, huh?

PEGGY: This isn't as much fun as I thought.

Watching him just reminds me of what a waste my life has been.

I applied to another dating service.

They rejected me.

I guess we're both single now.

That makes it official.

Tried everything; personal ads, pottery for dummies,

salsa for singles.

You know what I finally realized, Peg?

I realized that big, strong, nice smelling

Latin man with the broad shoulders

and the gentle smile--

he ain't coming for me.

He still might.

Pfft.

Nah.

We're playing a zero sum game here, Peg.

Searching for a pot of relationship gold

while the fat little relationship leprechauns

just laugh their asses off.

Mhm.

There's gotta be something better out there.

Like what?

I already sent an email to my family

telling them I was going to do it.

If I don't go through with it, they're just going

to be like, oh, you know April.

She never finishes anything.

We'll figure something out.

Do you promise?

I promise.

CLAIRE: I know it sounds crazy but ever since she moved

into the building, it's like this whole new world just

appeared.

She has all these amazing friends,

and they go to all these great bars,

and it's just got me thinking.

Peg, we already do everything together.

We both love the Indigo Girls, we've been to Lilith Fair twice

already.

Claire, are you suggesting that we become lesbians?

Become, are-- I don't know.

I don't know.

But I've been reading that some women are born that way,

but others end up achieving lesbianism later.

Lesbians aren't lesbians because they can't find a man,

they're lesbians because they prefer women.

Well, maybe we prefer women but we've

been conditioned to deny it for so long

that we don't even know it.

So now we're stuck in some pre-lesbian hell where we

can't ever get close to anyone.

Maybe that's why you never felt like you

were making love with Dennis.

Maybe you stopped having sex, Peg, because you

were having the wrong kind.

Claire, that's a horrible, horrible, horrible idea.

Yeah.

Well, so is committing felony vandalism in broad daylight,

but I went along with it.

Yeah.

Oh.

So many times people turn they backs

to you because they don't want to see what's inside of you.

Because looking inside of them, they might realize we alone.

But something inside of them, they might not want to find.

But it ain't about who you love.

Who you love.

No.

See, it's all about do you love, do you love, do you love?

See, it ain't about who you love.

Who you love.

No, no, no.

See, it's all about do you love, do you love, do you love?

Well, well, well, well the sun will shine on the ugliness.

Ain't nobody feeling no ugliness tonight.

See, ain't it fine--

You've got to be kidding me.

MEREDITH: Gosh, silly me.

Here I thought such a massive outbreak of dysfunction

would be a mess to clean up, but the solution's so simple.

Just spark up a big old fatty.

Jesus, Meredith, give it a rest.

Well, can't you see he's oblivious?

He's like this, um--

this new age Johnny Appleweed sowing his magic seeds of love.

Only he's so caught up in his own trip,

he never even notices the wreckage he's leaving behind.

DENNIS: Ah, jeez.

I told them to call the cops, not a goddamn tow truck.

Sir, I'm not the one who decides who they call.

Now, if you want to tow, I can help you.

If not-- - Hey.

Take a look around.

We got a $50,000 SUV and it's been destroyed.

Understand?

Now, I don't know if they covered things like that

at the AAA towing academy, but we need slightly more than a

goddamned tow here.

Dennis, stop being--

Shut it!

Shut it!

--such a shithead.

Shut it.

Sir, you've got about five seconds

to overhaul your attitude towards me and the young lady.

You got it?

Is that right?

Let's get something straight here.

I paid for this vehicle, which supposedly comes

with a state of the art roadside service

that pays for your sorry ass.

So you either put on your thinking cap

and find a way to get us the hell out of here

or you climb back into your little Tonka truck

and call one of the big boys who can.

You got that?

Yeah.

I got it.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, don't be.

Oh, no.

No, it's no good, Peg.

It's not natural.

How can you say that?

It was a bad idea, Peggy.

Let's just make like it never happened.

OK?

I don't think I can.

Oh, my god.

This is so unfair!

I can't believe it.

It never even occurred to me.

DENNIS: Come on. Move it.

Move it.

[MUSIC - STEPPENWOLF, "THE PUSHER"]

You know, I've smoked a lot of grass, oh, lord,

and I've popped a lot of pills.

But I never did touch nothing-- - Let's go, baby.

Let's go. Come on.

Move it.

Come on.

You know, I see a lot of people walking around here

with two stones in their eyes.

Hey!

You'd better not be leaving.

But of course you don't care, child, if you live

or if you die.

Take it easy!

I'm taking my orders, sir.

I said goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Argh.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah!

Ah, ah, ah.

Ladies first.

Be careful.

Move it, move it, move it.

Yeah, my man!

Ah, ah, ah ah.

Back it up, sugar drawers.

What for?

Because I said so, that's what for.

Hey!

What are you doing?

You let me out of here you son of a bitch.

Hey!

What the hell do you think you're doing here?

Let me tell you something.

You're going to open this door right now

or I'll call your boss.

I'll have your sorry ass so fired.

You going to call my boss?

That's right.

Go ahead because you looking at him.

Oh, you are so done.

You are so done.

I'm a lawyer.

I'm going to sue your goddamn ass so hard,

it's going to make your fucking head spin around.

You hear me, brother?

Do you see what it say on my truck?

"Bonded and insured".

So I don't give a damn what kind of punk ass lawyer you are.

You're right.

My insurance got 100 punk ass lawyers just like you.

And from the looks of it, it seems

like you done already pissed somebody off,

but apparently you didn't learn because now you done

went and pissed me off.

So as a public service to you and anybody

else that cross your sorry ass path,

me and Sheila, here, going to teach you a little lesson.

What?

Ah!

What, are you out of your fucking mind?

Uh-hu.

Ring the bell, class is now in session.

The hell are you doing?

Today's lesson is about courtesy.

You think just because you got money, you can abuse people.

Hey!

You think that's what the good Lord meant this world to be?

Yeah.

I'm so sick of you big old SUV driving fools acting

like normal rules don't apply.

Like you can do whatever,

whenever,

however you want.

Let me tell you something, bitch.

That ain't how it works.

Now, I done done your a favor--

gave you a little time with your thoughts.

And if you are lucky, you'll realize that your priorities

are all fucked up.

See it ain't all about how much you got

or about how much you can get away with.

It's about decency, forgiveness, and love, you stupid

ass fatheaded mother fucker.

You got a tiny, little dick, too.

I'll get you for this-- both of you.

You hear me?

I swear to god.

I swear to god!

You know those bars that you said the woman in your building

would go to?

I--

I don't believe you.

Well, it's not my fault you didn't like it.

Oh, see.

And once again, it's all about, Peggy.

What Peggy needs and what Peggy wants.

Claire, I don't know what I want.

All I know is that for the first time in what feels like

forever, I'm finally excited about what

might be possible as opposed to being

depressed about what isn't.

Are you really going to sit there and hold that against me?

Santa Monica Boulevard between La Brea and Fairfax.

What's it look like?

Oh, it's a bar, Peg.

It's got a door.

If there any men inside, you're at the wrong place.

OK?

What's it called?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Want to help you out.

Let me see.

Um, Felt, um, Blush.

Something like a free range shag--

something like that.

How the hell am I supposed to know, Peggy?

Would you like me to make a reservation for you?

Why don't you just admit, you've been as

obsessed with him as we have?

Oh, please.

You've been riding him since the day

he moved on to our team.

Because he's a slacker.

Try because you like him.

But it's a lot safer to sit back and criticize than risk

being vulnerable, isn't it?

APRIL: Know what I'm going to miss?

What?

Music.

Other people's, not mine.

And baths.

I'm going to miss the dogs.

I'm going to miss you.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Me too.

I mean I'm going to miss you, not me.

I knew what you meant.

Oh.

Would you be upset if I changed my mind?

I-- I--

I know.

I-- I feel the same way.

Oh.

What are we supposed to do now?

Well, we got to--

we got to hurl.

You mean like vomit?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I-- I can't.

I mean, I can't make myself.

Me neither.

Argh!

Argh!

Open, you mother.

Open, you mother fucker.

Open!

KRYSTA:

Look, I'll tell you what.

Now, every Friday I take my lunch

at the 64th Street Mission.

My momma does the cooking, the food is good, it's free.

Only thing you'll have to do is just listen to a little bit

of the word.

We can go pick you up something to wear.

You're welcome to come.

No strings attached, no expectations.

OK?

OK.

OK.

Son of a bitch.

You mother fucker.

Come back here, you son of a bitch!

PEGGY: Hey, Dennis.

Catch!

APRIL: Oh, my god.

IAN: Sorry, sir.

APRIL: We're sorry.

IAN: It was an accident. APRIL: Oh.

Do you think he's mad?

IAN: We-- we-- we didn't mean it.

APRIL: I think he's mad.

I ain't going to take this shit anymore.

Oh, god.

Hold the door.

APRIL: Oh, my god.

Not going to take this--

Oh, no. Go.

I'm going

--shit anymore!

I'm sick of this shit, son of a bitch.

Open this door.

Do you hear me?

So you admit to having a crush?

Everyone else at work is either married,

gay, or has open sores.

Oh, my god.

You are such a whore.

What

Oh, what did I do?

It's not my fault everybody loves me.

Why is it so hard for you to admit you like someone?

You know, because in this case, I know better.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's like Babar said--

you're oblivious.

Only, I don't think it's some cute space case thing.

I think it's your way of dealing with the fact

that you are terrified of ever having to get close to someone.

This is getting good.

You know, for being so preachy,

I don't recall meeting any of your boyfriends.

Men find my strength and intelligence attractive--

at first, anyway.

But when it comes to a relationship,

they inevitably find these same qualities threatening.

And I'm sure it has nothing to do with you being

unbearably pushy and insecure?

Hmm?

Do you have a point?

Or are you just trying to be mean?

The point is if you'd just drop

your verbal machete for five seconds, you never know--

that guy might stick around.

He's right, you know.

If I was straight, and you weren't so

I'd probably ask you out.

OK.

Well, my only point was that fighting

the big, bad corporate boogeyman might make the world a better

place but it's never going to make you

feel whole until you find someone to do

it with who's your equal--

not just an admirer.

Well, at least he doesn't run around half naked attacking

pet grooming mobiles.

SHERYL: I've always thought those things

looked kind of suspicious.

Trust me, you no idea.

APRIL: Is he going away? IAN: Yeah.

Oh, Ian.

What if it's too late?

What do you mean?

What if enough of it got into our system

and we're going to die anyway?

April--

What?

--we didn't drink flea dip.

What did we drink?

Puppy shampoo.

An Akita went nuts and broke the bottle

so I had to pour it into an old flea dip jug

so it wouldn't get wasted.

Are you mad?

No.

How did you know I'd change my mind?

Well, I didn't.

I-- I mean believe me, I was ready to do it to myself,

but I couldn't bear the thought of having anything to do

with the world losing you.

Oh.

Like this is all my fault. She's the one

that didn't want to have sex.

What kind of frickin' marriage doesn't have sex, huh?

The bunch of bullshit kind.

A man needs sex like he needs food.

He doesn't get food, he gets hungry.

He gets hungry, he's going to have to go out there and hunt.

Ahh!

Oh, my god.

Ahh! Jesus!

Oh.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Ahh!

What the-- oh!

Ohh, shit!

Holy rolling shit.

[MUSIC - INDIGO GIRLS, "CLOSER TO FINE"]

I'm trying to tell you something about my life.

Maybe give me insight between black and white.

And the best thing you've ever done for me

is to help me take my life less seriously.

It's only life, after all.

Yeah.

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable.

And the lightness has a call that's hard to hear.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket.

I'm crawling on your shores.

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains,

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains.

There's more than one answer to these questions,

pointing me in a crooked line.

And the less I seek my source for some definitive,

the closer I am to fine.

The closer I am to fine.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yes.

For the last time, I'm fine.

If you don't mind, I'd just prefer to be left alone.

OK?

Yeah, you just look like you could use a little help.

That's all.

Yeah, I guess we didn't realize helping you out

would be such an imposition.

Not at all.

This is how I prefer to spend my lunch hour--

having my vehicle destroyed by my psychotic fucking future

ex-wife and then being condescended to by a bunch

of smug 20-somethings.

Dude, was there something in this weed?

Or is this guy just like the biggest cock bite ever?

MR. HABIB : Ian, where in the name of hell

are you? Ian.

Oh, for christ sake, jesus.

This is big dog.

Better cut out the bullshit.

Now, if somebody does not answer me, I am going to be losing it.

Uh, sir, there's been a slight delay.

MR. HABIB : What do you mean, delay?

Uh-- Krysta left, sir.

But don't worry, I already found a replacement.

MR. HABIB : The hell you say she left.

Well-- well quit, actually.

But I met this girl and she's looking for a job.

I'd be happy to train her and-- and--

and she even said that she could start today.

MR. HABIB : Is this some kind of stupid fucking

American joke?

IAN: No, sir,

MR. HABIB : I don't expect this from you, Ian.

You're my only employee who isn't a slobbering monkey.

Uh, thank you, sir.

Like, I promise that I wouldn't recommend her if I didn't

think that she was top notch.

MR. HABIB : All right, fine.

But if this backfires in my ass, eggs

will be sticking to your face.

Uh-- wh-- uh--

Yes, sir.

Over and out.

That was probably the nicest thing anyone's ever

done for me in my entire life.

But you should know I have a lot of issues.

So do I.

I even have issues about my issues.

I know, right?

It's like when will it ever fucking end?

[MUSIC - HERB ALPERT, "THIS GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU"]

Oh, no.

Gracias.

But you should.

I don't know what that meant, but OK.

How can I show you I'm glad I got to know you

because I've heard some talk.

They say you think I'm fine.

This guy's in love.

Um-- uh-hu. Uh-hu, yeah.

Yes, actually.

Actually, where-- yes.

Yes, thank you.

I'm fine.

Don't let me be the last to know.

I say again, don't let my heart keep breaking

because I need your love.

I want your love.

Say you're in love--

Um-- so I think I--

I owe you an apology, you know, for going

um, totally psycho like I did.

It's no big deal.

And you know what's even more humiliating is that I don't

think I even really meant it.

But-- but even that was way more about me than--

than you.

Does that make any sense?

No.

Not really.

Well, I think I've just been wanting to bust out for so long

and you just make being true to yourself look so easy

that I just put all this crazy desperation

inside of me onto you.

And then I guess it all just came

exploding out like some kind of just spastic hormonal volcano.

I'm sorry.

You know, the truth is I actually believe

most of the crap that I say.

I know you do.

She really likes you, you know.

Really?

That's funny.

I mean she's got me pegged.

Basically, I'm just an emotional moral.

Well, you've got her pegged.

She only plays the bitch to protect herself.

So now that you know all of the bad things about each other,

think about how much fun you'll have discovering all the good.

[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "HAVE A NICE LIFE"]

Well, look at you blowing all shiny and fresh.

Standing alone, looking over the edge.

It's a long way down.

Damn it.

First time?

That obvious?

I nearly peed myself before I get through the door.

To be honest, I'm not even positively

sure I should even be here.

Well, think of it this way.

It's just a beer.

Just a beer.

Right.

Without the penis, of course

Right.

Miller Light-- no penis, please.

Who needs that thing, anyway?

OK.

Let's do this.

Look, why not just tell the truth?

BABAR: You mean like, um, hey.

Sorry about the super long lunch but we were just sitting there

and next thing you know, we're having this raging nudie fight

and getting baked.

Oh, and then we had to rescue this total prick muncher

wearing these really horrible ass pants.

IAN: What about your car?

APRIL: Just leave it.

IAN: Are you sure?

APRIL: I'm positive.

IAN: Oh, one more thing.

What they say about dogs smelling fear is true.

Mental domination is the key, except with cats.

Promise me you'll never try to play mind games with a cat.

APRIL: Mhm.

I promise.

[MUSIC - NIK KERSHAW, "HAVE A NICE LIFE"]

I love you, my precious.

I love you, my son.

I'm sorry for all the wrong things

that I've done in the past.

But it happened so fast.

It didn't quite go as I'd planned.

And I hope to god one day you'll understand.

And have a nice life.

Yeah.

Have a nice life.

Have a nice life.

Hope you find all you're looking for.

I hope it goes well.

I hope it goes right for you.

Have a nice life.

Have it your way.

I hope you live long and prosper.

I hope you get high.

I hope you get lucky and find the right one.

The one love.

The right one.

[MUSIC - GRANDVILLE, "DISASTER FIEND"]

Hey, you, making the scene, plotting the scheme,

you know what's happening.

Hey, you, the devil-may-care with passionate

flare but lonely without despair.

And you, you're kerosene, you're gasoline,

you're a disaster fiend.

Yeah, you.

You.

Hey, you, dropping the clues, you're front page

news, no one left to accuse.

And you planting a sprig, an old recipe,

a taste for catastrophe.

Yeah, you.

Doesn't seem so ordinary to a simpleton like me.

But if you've come looking for your fix, you may be--

In this chaos you've bathed, and dried off unscathed,

and ready to misbehave.

And you, you're kerosene, you're gasoline,

you're a disaster fiend.

Yeah, you.

You.

Doesn't seem so ordinary to a simpleton like me.

But if you've come looking for your fix,

may be you're in the right place.

You may be in the right place.

Hey, you, making the scene, plotting the scheme,

you know what's happening.

And you, you're kerosene, you're gasoline,

you're a disaster fiend.

Yeah, you.

If you've come here for your fix,

you've found the right place.

If you've come here for your fix,

you've found the right place.

If you've come here for your fix,

you've found the right place.

If you've come here for your fix,

you've found the right place.