Original subtitles

(spirited music)

- Come on now, Linda, stop that, will ya, Sweetie?

(laughing) Come on, hon...

Oh, Cleo.

Oh, come on now, Cleo.

Off you go.

You're not the one I thought you were. (audience laughs)

Go home, go home.

That's a girl.

(cheerful music)

(spirited music)

Oh, now, come on, Cleo!

Go find yourself another rabbit, will ya?

- But I'm not a rabbit, Tim. (audience laughs)

- Oh, Mrs. Brown.

- I'm sorry I woke you up, but I wanted to know

if you had a date for the masquerade party tonight?

- Tonight, it's tonight?

- Of course, it says so right on the ticket,

"Policeman's Masquerade Ball Tonight".

- Oh, Mrs. Brown, I'm afraid I got my days mixed up.

I don't think I can get a date this late.

- Oh, that's a shame.

She would've had such a good time.

Oh, but you and Martin are still coming to my house

for punch and fudge brownies before we go.

That'll put us in a gay mood.

- Crazy. (audience laughs)

- You come back here.

Cleo, you come right back down here, do you hear me?

- What's the matter, Pammie?

- Cleo ran away up into your apartment.

- Oh?

Well, I'll get her for ya.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Cleo!

Cleo, baby, come now, where are ya?

Cleo...

(spirited music)

Uncle Martin, have you seen Pammie Goodwin's rabbit?

Oh, good, well where is she?

- In the kitchen.

- Oh. - Don't go in there.

- Well, what happened?

- I was preparing my vitamins, martian-style,

when this little beast came hippity-hopping in.

- And?

- And I dropped one on the floor,

and before I discovered it, she had eaten it.

- Well, what did it do to her?

(Cleo yelping) (audience laughs)

- Ah! (audience laughs)

- No, no, come back! - Ah, ah, ah!

(Cleo yelping) (audience laughs)

(spirited theme music with beeping)

(cheerful music)

(knocking)

- Oh, hello, Pammie.

What can I do for you?

- I want my rabbit.

- Your rabbit?

- Yes, sir, my rabbit, Cleo.

She went into your house.

- Oh, um...

This rabbit, can you describe her?

What did she look like?

- She looked like a rabbit.

- Oh, that's a fair start. (audience laughs)

Now, uh, how big was she?

- She was just a regular-sized rabbit, like this.

- Mm, no, no, I'm certain that there's no rabbit

that size in our apartment.

- You big bunny, will you get off of me!

- Excuse me, Pammie.

- [Tim] Uncle Martin!

- Cleo, that's not a carrot!

- Will you get this cotton-picking jackrabbit off of me?

(Cleo whining)

- He didn't mean it that way, Cleo.

- What do you mean I didn't mean what what way?

- You offended her when you called her a jackrabbit.

It's the same thing as calling a thoroughbred racehorse

a jackass.

- Well, she's big enough for that, too!

(Cleo yelps loudly)

- Will you please stop antagonizing her?

- Antagonizing her?

Look, she knocked me down, jumped on top of me,

then started chewing on the back of my neck!

Now, who is antagonizing who?

- Whom. - Whom.

(Cleo moaning)

- It was nothing personal, Tim,

but you may have to change your brand of hair oil.

Apparently, it has a base of vegetable concentrate

which seems to attract rabbits.

- Well, according to the commercials,

it's supposed to attract girls.

(Cleo yelping)

- [Pammie] Cleo, you come back here!

- Now, stay away from Cleo.

- Don't worry.

(sneaking music)

(Cleo whimpering)

- I understand your problem, Cleo, but for the time being,

we're all going to have to make certain adjustments.

- Yeah, well, the first adjustment you'd better make

is on that king-size rodent.

Do you have any idea what Mrs. Brown would say

if she found out that we had a six-foot rabbit

as a houseguest?

- Mrs. Brown is not our problem at the moment.

Getting Cleo back to normal is.

- Well, Mrs. Brown is going to be our problem.

If we don't show up at her party tonight,

she'll be up here wanting to know why.

Now, what are we gonna tell her?

That we couldn't find a rabbit-sitter? (audience laughs)

(Cleo moans) - Sh-sh-sh-sh.

The trouble with you, Tim, is that you worry about things

that may never happen.

Now, run down to the supermarket

and get a couple of bushels of carrots

while I see if I can undo the damage.

- Right.

A couple of bushels of carrots?

- Cleo's appetite has grown in direct proportion

to her size.

- Uncle Martin, uh, what happens

if you can't get her down to normal?

- That will be an excellent time to start worrying.

- Well, I can't wait!

I'm gonna start worrying now. (audience laughs)

(growls)

(Cleo yelps)

"Cleo's appetite had grown in direct proportion

"to her size."

Hm, boy, it's a darn good thing she didn't

start off being an elephant. (audience laughs)

- Oh, there you are, Tim.

Did Martin find Pammie's little rabbit?

- Um, uh, no, he didn't, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, that's good, 'cause I know just where to look it.

- Well, he's very busy now, Mrs. Brown,

and, uh, I don't think he wants to be disturbed.

- Oh, well, I'm not gonna disturb him.

I just want to find Pammie's rabbit.

- That'd disturb him. (audience laughs)

(knocks)

- [Martin] Come in, Mrs. Brown.

- Well, now, you see, Mrs. Brown, he said...

Come in?

- Oh, Martin, I was making some coleslaw

for the party tonight, and right in middle of the cabbage,

I remembered the pussycat.

I'll bet you anything that's where the rabbit is.

- In the cabbage?

- (laughs) Oh, no, silly, behind the stove.

- Well, uh, I must confess, Lorelei,

it never occurred to me to correlate cabbage

with a pussycat, a rabbit and a stove.

- Well, the trouble with you is, Martin,

that you don't think like a rabbit.

- Nor like a pussycat.

- Well, of course not, so it really isn't your fault.

You see, I once had a pussycat so I know.

The little thing used to hide behind the stove

where it was all nice and snuggley and warm.

And that's where the rabbit is.

Pardon me.

- What did you do with the rabbit?

(Cleo whimpering)

Quiet down, you dumb bunny,

Mrs. Brown is looking for you behind the stove.

- She's hungry again.

She smells the cabbage.

- Cabbage?

What cabbage?

- The cabbage Lorelei has been cutting to make coleslaw.

The scent of it is on her hands,

and it's driving Cleo to distraction.

- Oh, well, if she doesn't like it there,

I have a couple of other places I'd like to drive her.

(audience laughs)

- Now, I was just sure she'd be there.

- Yeah, well, that's the way it goes sometimes, Mrs. Brown.

But next time we lose a rabbit,

we'll be sure and call on you. (laughs)

- Now, now, wait a minute.

Now, wasn't this table over here when I came in?

- Well, now, what made you think that?

We've always had it right here.

- Yeah, we like to keep it right next

to the cabbage, kitchen.

- Perhaps you became disoriented

when you went in the kitchen, Lorelei.

You see, before, you were standing there,

and the table was here.

Now, you're standing there, and the table is here.

- Oh...

Oh, yes, well, maybe I did.

(audience laughs)

Oh, say, did you look under the couch?

(spirited music) (audience laughs)

No, I guess she isn't there.

Oh, now, now, Martin, this time I'm positive

that the table was not there.

- Hm, that's very interesting.

A classic case of human (mumbles) syndrome.

Are you familiar with his theories of

inter-tertiary displacement?

Well, it happens occasionally with individuals

of extremely high intelligence

that once they become disoriented,

their sense of perspective remains discombobulated

for an indefinite length of time.

- Oh, really, well, isn't that nice?

(spirited music)

I'll think about that for a while.

And meantime, if I get anymore ideas where Cleo might be,

I'll let you know.

Now, don't forget, eight o'clock at my house.

I just hope I can recognize you in your costumes.

- Yeah, well, don't worry, Mrs. Brown.

We'll be the only two there with a nervous twitch.

(audience laughs)

Oh, oh, down, down.

(Cleo whines)

(Cleo whining)

- You're breathing on my antenna.

(spirited music)

Hopefully, I'm preparing an antidote for the vitamins

you so foolishly gulped down. (audience laughs)

(Cleo yelps)

My vitamins obviously caused an excitation

of your thyroid glands, and I'm hopeful

the dysprosium in the antidote will counteract the effect

and reduce you to normal.

(Cleo muttering)

You don't have to understand it, you just have to drink it.

(Cleo whimpering)

I don't care, Cleo, you're gonna drink this stuff

whether or not it smells like burnt shoe leather.

(mystical music)

Brennan, Detective Brennan is calling on Mrs. Brown.

And he's a man who lives, breathes,

and wallows in suspicion.

(audience laughs)

(tense music)

(doorbell rings)

- Hello, Pammie.

- Hi.

- Well, if it isn't Bill Brennan, come on in.

Oh, did you find your rabbit, Pammie?

- No, ma'am, Tim's uncle kidnapped her.

- What did she say about O'Hara?

- He kidnapped her.

- Pammie thinks her rabbit went in Tim's apartment,

and now Martin is holding her for ransom or something.

- Oh...

- Oh, don't look so suspicious, Bill.

You know as well as I do that Martin

wouldn't do anything that mean.

- No, I guess he wouldn't.

(jazzy radio music)

Excuse me.

Two bushels of carrots?

- Uh, yes, as a matter of fact.

Well, you see what happened, Detective Brennan,

is that Uncle Martin came up with this theory

that carrot juice was good for the eyesight,

and we're gonna try it out.

- Well, now, isn't that a coincidence?

- Is it?

- Dr. Strochmeyer evolved that same theory

in Vienna, 40 years ago. (audience laughs)

- Yeah, well, it's about time, then,

that someone got around to proving Dr. Stro-stro--

- Strochmeyer.

- Strochmeyer's theory, isn't it?

(audience laughs)

- If that rabbit's up in that apartment, Pammie,

I'll get it for you.

- Uh, uh, uh, Detective Brennan, you mean, uh,

you're going to be going up upstairs, sir!

- Quick, quick, in the bedroom.

If Brennan sees you like that,

you'll end up under a microscope.

(Cleo yelps)

And so will I.

Well, Mr. Brennan.

And do what mischance do I owe this unexpected visit?

- It would probably be classified as investigating

an over-aged juvenile delinquent.

In the vernacular of my profession,

I'm looking for a hot rabbit. (audience laughs)

- Well, such fearlessness should not go unrewarded.

- That little girl downstairs says

her rabbit went into your apartment.

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I came in and looked around.

- I most certainly would.

- Oh, you have something you don't want me to see.

- Not at all, I simply resent implied accusations.

- "They whose guilt within their bosom lies imagine

every eye beholds their blame."

- Was it Ben Johnson who said,

"They that know no evil, will suspect none."

- You don't want me to go in.

- No.

- All right.

You're within your legal rights.

But let me remind you, there's more than one way

to skin a cat.

- Do Shakespeare and Mark Twain

write everything you say?

(laughing)

- O'Hara-- - Sh-sh-sh.

(whistles)

(audience laughs)

- Tim? - What?

- Detective Brennan is going to get a search warrant.

- A search warrant?

- Yeah. - For a rabbit?

- I doubt if he can get one before morning.

But if he does, you and I are in the stew,

right along with Cleo.

(spirited music)

(Cleo whimpering)

(Cleo yelps) (audience laughs)

- Well, if you must know, I'm made up for a masquerade.

(Cleo muttering)

You most certainly may not go with us.

You can't mingle with people.

In your present condition,

you can't even mingle with rabbits.

(Cleo yelps)

Cleo, we are not being inhospitable,

we are being realistic.

And I might remind you that you haven't been exactly

a little ray of sunshine around here.

(Cleo whimpers loudly)

Ah, shut up! (audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, will you take a look and see

what that rabbit did to this plant?

After two bushels of carrots!

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were through.

(Cleo yelps)

Boy, I tell you, Uncle Martin, I can just feel

Brennan's search warrant breathing down our necks.

If you know him, he will be over here

at one minute after midnight.

Hey...

Uncle Martin, why do you keep stirring

and playing with that thing?

You've been shimmering and coddling it

and boiling it all day.

- Tim, you can't boil a three-minute egg

in a minute and a half.

- Gee, that's what I like about you, Uncle Martin,

ask a simple question, get directions how to boil an egg.

(audience laughs)

(hopping music)

(audience laughs)

(Cleo whimpering) (hopping music)

(Cleo yelping)

(spirited music)

- Mm, it's ready.

Where's Cleo?

- Well, she was here just a minute ago, that batty bunny.

Cleo!

Cleo?

Cleo?

Cleo, where...

Uncle Martin! (thuds)

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin, she's outside, she's outside!

- What do you mean?

- Well, the door's open, she's gone,

she must've gone outside!

(thuds)

- Let's hurry before that rabbit does more damage

than a herd of locusts!

- [Tim] Cleo!

- There she is, way down there!

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) Oh, just our imagination.

Maybe it was the little people.

- I don't care how hungry you are,

you can't dig up the neighbors gardens.

(audience laughs)

- Yoo-who, Martin, Tim!

Hasta la vista, cha-cha-cha.

Oh, Tim, how nice,

you got a date for the masquerade party, after all.

- A date?

- Yes, at the very last moment, as it were.

Uh, may I present Tim's friend,

Miss, uh, Miss Cleopatra Jones.

- How do you do, Miss Jones, I'm Mrs. Brown.

Oh, what a darling costume.

Oh, I'll bet you're very attractive.

Why don't you take your head off so I can see your face?

- Oh, that's impossible, she'd never get it back on.

What I mean is, uh,

she just got one of those beehive hairdos.

- Oh, I see.

Well, then you just leave your head right where it is.

Come along with me, and I'll start introducing you.

(Cleo yelping)

- She's got a very bad cold.

- We'll be along a little later, Lorelei.

We promised to take a picture of Miss Jones

in her costume before the party,

and all my equipment is upstairs.

- Oh, all right, but hurry up now.

(spirited music)

- Uncle Martin, look, I have been on dates with dogs,

but I am not gonna take a rabbit to a masquerade party.

Uncle Martin.

(Cleo whimpers) (mystical music)

- Oh, well, I must not have secured it very well.

Oh, do you like my costume, dear?

I think this hat is just priceless, don't you?

- It's adorable. (audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin...

Uncle Martin, please, tell me it wasn't Cleo was it?

Please.

- Of course not.

I threw my voice.

- Oh.

- You come along with me, dear.

You can have your picture taken later.

- Now, you run upstairs and get that antidote

while I try to keep Cleo from defoliating Lorelei.

- Oh, no, with modern methods of criminal investigation,

it's virtually impossible to maintain an effective disguise

for any length of time.

A trained detective can penetrate any disguise

almost with a glance. (chuckles)

- Oh, Bill.

I'd like you to meet Tim's date, Cleopatra Jones.

Miss Jones, this is Mr. Brennan.

- The pleasure is mine, Miss Jones.

- Oh, she can't take off her head

because she's got a beehive in it.

- Oh...

Oh, there you are, O'Hara.

A few hours from now, I'll be paying you a little visit

about another rabbit.

Would you care for some punch, Miss Jones?

- No, thank you. (audience laughs)

- Lorelei.

- Thank you.

(mystical music)

Now, you come along with me, dear,

and I'll introduce you to the other guests.

Miss Nilsson, I want you to meet Tim's date,

Cleopatra Jones.

Oh, I do hope you like my punch.

It's a recipe handed down from my grandmother's time,

made of cranberries, elderberries and beets.

(audience laughs)

- Tell me, O'Hara...

(audience laughs)

- Here are your grapes.

- (stammers) What happened to them?

- This young lady bit them off.

- Yes, it was my idea.

You see, I thought it might be a rather clever idea

for the masquerade.

You might win first prize.

- Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful if I did win first prize?

- Oh, would you all excuse me for just a moment?

Tim wants to speak to Cleo.

Uh, come along, dear, let's go.

Come on, come on.

- Oh, here, I'll take those.

- Here, drink this up.

(Cleo yelps)

Cleo, you can't stay six-feet tall.

There's no room in this world for six-foot rabbits.

(audience laughs)

- For heaven's sake, Uncle Martin,

will you hurry up and get her to drink it

before somebody comes in here?

(Cleo whimpers)

- I'm sorry Pammie has never taken you

to masquerade parties,

but there are just certain places that rabbits don't fit in.

- Now, listen to me, you dumb bunny,

if you don't drink this stuff,

I can't help, but she (stammers)...

- Just a small lovers quarrel.

(elegant party music)

- Oh, Bill, would you give these to the girls, please?

- [Bill] Oh, delighted.

- [Lorelei] How about you, Don, would you like some more?

- Tim, we've got to get Cleo back in the kitchen.

Time is running out.

- Well, what's the use?

You can't get her to drink the antidote anyway.

- Well, as Mr. Brennan so cleverly quotes Mark Twain,

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

- Huh?

(mystical music)

(elegant party music)

- Well, I better make some more.

I'll be right back, Don.

- Hold it.

Would you mind telling me something?

Where did that punch go?

- From whence it came, back into the air,

by a process called evaporation.

- I'll have more punch in just a moment.

- Well, may we help?

- Oh, no, thank you, not just yet.

(mystical music)

- What are you doing?

- What Mr. Twain said about cats,

it can also be applied to rabbits.

(mystical music)

(approaching footsteps)

Oh, uh, Tim, did you get a chance

to talk to Mr. Brennan about that?

- What?

- Well, you remember...

You were thinking of joining the police force?

- I was?

Oh, I was, yes, I was!

Detective Brennan, I don't know if I ever told you this,

but when I was a little boy,

I always thought perhaps I'd like to be a policeman,

or maybe even a firemen.

You see, but I didn't really go along with it

because I thought, well, it's sort of silly...

(mystical music)

- Oops.

- [Tim] I'd like to be a streetcar conductor...

(mystic music)

And if I'd been a conductor, I wouldn't have been able

to drive one, so then I thought...

- Oh, my goodness.

(mystical music) Oh!

Excuse me.

- [Tim] So I thought, well, then I'll become a policeman.

That's what I've always wanted to be anyway,

and that's what I think I'll be, yeah.

- [Bill] O'Hara? - Hm?

- Have you any idea what you're talking about?

- No, no, but it doesn't really matter, ha ha.

(audience laughs)

- There, it's all ready.

Oh, Pammie's rabbit.

Well, I wonder how she got here...

Well, don't just stand there, Bill.

Don't you think you oughta take Cleo back to Pammie?

Well, she's probably been worried.

- Cleo. (audience laughs)

- I told you I'd tell you when to start worrying,

and I never told you. (audience laughs)

(cheerful music)

- Oh, my, what a lovely evening.

Oh, it's a shame Miss Jones couldn't go to the ball.

- Oh, well, she was very sorry, too,

but you know how those sudden headaches are.

- Yes, poor thing.

Well, hasta la vista, cha-cha-cha!

(spirited Latin music)

- Oh, hey, how about that.

You know, I got so excited when I ran upstairs,

I grabbed your vitamin pills and put 'em in my pocket.

(shattering)

- Say, fellas, can I see you a minute?

You've been to a masquerade, haven't you?

- That's right.

- Well, you know, you gave me an awful start.

I saw that big rabbit come out of your apartment.

You know, I live down the street here.

My wife's been out of town for a few days,

and I guess I got to thinking about things,

and when I...

(spirited music) (audience laughs)

'Night.

(spirited music) (audience laughs)

(spirited theme music)